THE APE’S SURVIVAL SONGS There were a few moments when it was safe to sit back and chill. During one of

those moments I got talking to the Ape. If you can call it talking. I wanted to ask

him about survival, and how come we’d managed to stay alive this long. He got

distracted playing with his phone, then he found some songs and started playing

them to me. They were all loud with lots of drumming. He said if the boxing

didn’t work out he’d be a drummer in a band. I tried to get him back on track, we

were talking about survival – remember? He stopped for a moment, looked

through his playlist again and then told me that all you need are good tunes.

“Good tunes?”

“Yeah.”

“For helping you survive?”

“What?”

“They help you stay alive?”

“What? No. Doctors do that.” He was looking at me like I was the fool here.

“I mean now. Right now. Where we are right now.” I tried again. “How have we

stayed alive?”

“Who cares?”

“Can you turn the sound down?”

“These are my tunes.”

“I know but I’m asking you about--- Look, it doesn’t matter.”

“Listen to this one.”

I stepped away form him, I should have listened to my instinct and not got into

this with him.

“I’d better check on Billie.”

“This is mega.”

He shoved his phone practically under my nose.

“Really? What’s it called?”

There was a song on pause called D’you Wanna Go Faster? By Terrorvision.

“Best band name ever! When I get a band I’m calling it that.”

“I don’t think you can do that.”

“Yeah I can.”

“You can’t have two Terrorvisions.”

“Mine’ll be better. “

I decided not to labour the point because I’m not sure I could really see the Ape

being in anyone’s band.

He started playing the song, pushing the phone right up against my ear.

“This is a fast song.” He yelled. “It says in the title it’s fast and it is. You always

need a fast song in your head. It makes you do everything faster. And doing

things faster than everyone else means you’re ahead of the game. Slow people

are dead people.”

“Got it.” I nodded then when it finished he took the phone away from my ear and

searched for another song.

“This is Go With The Flow by Queens of the Stone Age. They’re men but they call

themselves queens. Should be kings and someone needs to tell them that. Don’t

know what it’s about but it’s a good driving song. It makes you nod your head

fast. If you’re in a car and you’re trying to get away put this on, the car will go

faster. Guaranteed.”

“Okay, that’s great.” I made to leave but he then blasted out another song. Run

To the Hills by Iron Maiden who are, like, ancient, so I don’t know how he found

this song.

“No one should run.” He told me. “Ever. If there’s a fight then you step up. Every

time. So this tune makes me think about scared people seeing me coming for

them. They should be running because I am coming and they are not going to

stop me.”

He played that one really loud and I was desperately hoping the next one might

be Adele or Lorde.

It was Best of Friends by the Palma Violets and of course I immediately thought

of Johnson and his t-shirt.

The Ape grinned widely. “The only band I have seen live. I was in the mosh pit

throwing people around, and when this song came on I tried to get on the stage.

A bouncer tried to stop me but I threw him into the pit. Happy times. You need

to think about happy times when you are facing bad things. It makes you want to

stay alive.”

“Have you got any, like quieter songs?”

“You don’t like that one?”

“I love it, I’m getting a bit of a headache though.”

His big stubby thumb flicked through his playlist again. Then his eyes lit up.

“This one!” He bellowed. “The Fight Song by Marilyn Manson, who is a man but

has a woman’s name. This song is for anyone who is good with their fists. It’s

about fighting. That’s all. Just fighting and fighting.“

“I thought you were looking for a quieter song.”

“When I become a boxer I will have this played when I walk into the ring. Fight is

one of my favourite words. This song says it over and over. The world needs

this song!”

He’d already forgotten I had a headache and he sang along to it, mostly straight

into my face.

“Yeah – great, I can see that.” I tell him but my head was pounding.

“Yowza, here’s another great one!”

I wish I’d never started this now. Why am I so stupid?

“You like dancing?”

“Yeah, love it.” I don’t really, I’m hopeless at it, the worst dancer in the world.

Billie says I’m like an octopus trying to escape from a wine bottle.

“Kids by MGMT, which is not a proper band name, it’s just letters. Don’t know

what it’s about but it has a good tune. I can put out some good shapes to this

song. I dance like I’m in the boxing ring, ducking and weaving. It’s all good

practice. I can clear a dance floor in ten seconds.”

“It’s not really a survival song then?”

“A what?”

“You’re choosing songs that help you stay alive.”

“No. Doctors do that.”

“Anyway, they’re all really cool but I’ve got to go.”

But he was already thumbing to another song.

“I’ve got to turn this one up.”

Up?? Did he say up? My nose was going to start bleeding any second from the

pressure. Even my eyes hurt.

He sang the title and the band name to me.

“Fallout Boy! This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race. I love this because it sounds

like he is saying it’s a Godamm arse race. Which cracks me up. If there was an

arse race though I’d win it, no problemo.”

His thumb found another song and I was starting to wonder if I’d die there, he

could have had ten thousand massively loud drumming songs on his phone for

all I knew. I’d die from bleeding ears. If that’s possible.

“This is by a man called Seasick Steve, so I think he wrote it on a boat. It’s called

Don’t Know Why She Love Me But She Do and my dad loved this. It’s another fast

song.”

“No – really?” I’m feeling as sick as Seasick Steve now.

“It’s not as fast as the fastest songs but still fast. It’s about how girls love you.

Most girls love someone but sometimes you need to tell them who to love. They

don’t always know. My dad played it in the car a lot. But he is dead now so it’s

up to me to keep the song alive.”

I had to replay what he just said a couple of times in my head before speaking.

”Your dad’s dead?”

”Yeah.”

I’d always imagined the Ape’s dad would be someone unknown to him. Some

guy who met his mum for a night and then disappeared. How wrong was I?

“How did that happen?”

“He was in a fight. Outside a pub.”

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“Wasn’t a fair one. There were four of them.”

“My God.” I felt terrible.

“Ain’t going to happen to me. They can bring an army and I’ll beat them all.”

There wasn’t anything emotional in what the Ape said, but somehow that made it

even more emotional. I wanted to do something, put my arm round him, or say

something profound but the second I made the slightest move he was already

blasting another song out.

“Teenagers! My Chemical Romance. Best song ever. Tells it like it is. Whatever

that is.”

I watched him the whole time the song played. I don’t know if he buried things

really deeply or if they never actually penetrated, so much so that even his dad’s

death bounced off him. I don’t think even the Ape could be that impervious so I

figured he was dealing with it in his own way.

I now knew why he had to fight though. I knew he was fighting the men who

attacked his dad. Fighting them over and over, with his every last breath.

Then the song ended and I quietly asked him if there were any songs that

weren’t any good if you were fighting for your life.

“Yeah. Anything slow.“

“Just that?”

“Slow equals dead.”

“Well. That was some playlist and I’ll keep them in my head, in case I ever need

them.

“You’ll also need a weapon.”

He was finally answering my original question. It’d broken through at last.

“You have to have that. Without a weapon you are dead meat. So do what I do

Rev. Make a weapon. Something you can carry easily but is strong enough to do

a lot of damage.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“You’ll also need chicken. It’s good for you. Crisps are too. But they can make

noise and you have to be careful of that. Chocolate is quieter. Not toffee though.

Toffee can rip out the fillings in your teeth and I did that once and it was sore.

My mum didn’t make an appointment for three months to get it sorted. Kept

forgetting.”

I winced inwardly at the thought.

“You also need to know how to drive. An automatic car is easy. Foot down and

go. Like a dodgem, but bigger. Some petrol is good too. So weapon, chicken, car.

That’s all you need. And something to drink. And maybe bowel towel.”

“Bowel towel?”

“Bog roll.”

I hadn’t expected a nod to hygiene but he did have a point.

“And a pillow and blanket. Maybe some matches. An axe would be good if you

were in a forest and you had to chop down a tree and burn it. A map would help

if you drove somewhere you didn’t know. I hate maps. They are too small to

read properly. And they never say which way up they are meant to go. Put it all

in your car and drive.”

“Is that it?” I asked.

“If you see people check them out before you stop. They might be bad guys. If

they are. Then stop. And take them down. If they are good guys, stop and see if

there’s a fit girl with them. If not keep driving. You don’t want to be stuck with

people you don’t like. Or find fit. You need to find people who get you. Don’t

bother looking for your mum. She will be drunk anyway.”

“That’s great. I’m going to remember every word.”

Then he put a great hand on my wrist and looked me right in the eye.

“There’s only one other rule for survival. Don’t end up dead. That’s my advice.

If you want to survive, don’t end up dead.”