The Adventures of ‘Boris’

(The world’s only farting spider!)

Book One

‘Boris Returns A Hero’

By Alan Brewis

Boris Returns A Hero

For ‘Pider and The Big Guy (a.k.a. Boris and Imelda)

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Chapter 1

The little village of Old-Ham, hidden deep in the countryside of East Anglia, is a very small village indeed. It has only 2 small rows of beautiful old wooden-framed houses. Each house is different from its neighbour, but all are so old that they actually have their own names! Names like ‘The Old Bakery’; ‘The Rectory’; ‘Bridge House’; and ‘The Old School House’. However, the old house that we are interested in happens to be one of the oldest houses in the village. Its name is, quite simply, ‘The Old House’.

‘The Old House’ is actually over 600 years old, and has ‘higgledy-piggledy’ rooms, oak-beamed ceilings, and creaky wooden staircases. It also has huge stone fireplaces, which, in winter, hold magical roaring log fires.

The garden of ‘The Old House’ is quite large, and just as ‘higgledy-piggledy’ as the house itself. It has 3 rickety old garden sheds, an old unused pigsty, a very large old greenhouse, and a big pond (more like a small lake really).

The garden also has many dark, quiet places where spiders have lived in peace and comfort for hundreds of generations.

It is here, in the garden of ‘The Old House’, that our story takes place.

But first, let me take you to a place in the garden where a hero lives. Of course, he doesn’t actually know that he’s a hero yet!

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Chapter 2

Our Hero’s name is Boris - and he’s a spider.

A very unusual spider.

To get to our brave little hero’s home, you will have to walk up the garden path from the main gate, past the big greenhouse on your right, and the old log-shed on your left.

If you keep walking, past the rows of vegetable plots (great insect-hunting ground for spiders!) you will come to a gap in the tall conifer hedge on your right, in the shape of a tall archway.

The archway leads into a meadow at the bottom of the garden, and, if you look over to the other side of the meadow you will see the pond - complete with Lilly-pads, tall reeds, and ducks!

On the far side of the pond, if you look very carefully among the tall grass, you will see four small bushy trees that, although quite old, have only grown 30 centimetres or so.

It is in one of these small bushy trees (the 2nd one from the right actually), growing slowly in the old garden of ‘The Old House’, in the small village of ‘Old-Ham’, hidden deep in the beautiful countryside of East Anglia, that our hero lives.

Mind you, he didn’t always live there, but you will have to read on for more details of that!

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Chapter 3

From the outside, Boris looked like any other common-or-garden spider you may have seen, run away from, stepped on (how could you!), or eaten (by accident of course - just don’t sleep with your mouth open!).

He was young (almost a teenager) and fairly plain looking - by spider standards anyway - and like all teenagers, his life seemed to be full of problems.

However, Boris had one problem that was very, VERY unusual. It made him quite different from other spiders.

In fact there was no record in history of any spider - anywhere in the world - having the same problem as Boris.

But I get ahead of myself!

As with all good stories, I should start at ‘T he B eginning ’, move on to ‘T he M iddle ’, and then come to ‘T he E nd ’!

So… here is the beginning!

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Chapter 4

The Beginning

Boris hatched from his egg - along with his 113 sisters and 96 brothers, in a web built in a top corner of the old abandoned pigsty in the garden of ‘The Old House’.

Actually, Boris didn’t so-much hatch from his egg - more like exploded from it really! He flew clear over the heads of his astonished brothers and sisters to land, with a soft ‘splat’, flat on his mother’s back! She was more than a little surprised I can tell you, and she quickly realised that this particular spiderling of hers was going to be ‘a bit of a problem!’

She didn’t quite realise just how much of a problem though!

Eventually, exhausted from trying to control her ‘flying baby’, she built a special ‘cot-web’ for him up in the very top of the home-web, far away from all his brothers and sisters.

Poor baby Boris.

His first days were filled with loneliness.

For his own safety, his mum had ‘webbed’ him into his cot, so Boris ‘goo-gooed’ and ‘gurgled’ all alone. He drank his spider’s milk alone (when his mum remembered to feed him!).

He even slept alone (no bedtime stories!).His Mum tried to spend time with him, but she had 209 other boisterous babies to look after too. Just imagine how long it takes to wash all those nappies!

She also had 6 bottles of spider-milk to make up every day for each baby spider. If you are good at mathematics you will have worked out that’s 1,260 bottles. Every day!

She was kept very, very busy.

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It didn’t take long for her to realise that she wasn’t looking after her problem-baby as well as she should be. He needed more care than she could give, and unless she did something quickly he would soon die from neglect.

Now there are some spiders that would have simply left him to die up there, all alone in a faraway corner of the web. Spiders can be like that. Mind you, they do normally have at least a couple of hundred other babies to look after!

Thankfully, Boris’ mum wasn’t like that. Besides, she knew of a spider that would look after Boris properly, despite his unusual problem.

And so it was, that very early one crisp spring morning, Boris’ mum gently wrapped him up in a soft, warm spider-silk blanket, stuck him firmly to her back, and began the long journey across the meadow to the far side of the pond.

Fortunately a kind neighbour, with only 58 babies of her own to look after, offered to take care of Boris’ brothers and sisters for the day. (Now that’s what I call a good neighbour!)

With Boris ‘snug as a bug in a web’, his mum trudged across the meadow and made her way around the outside of the pond to the far side.

With great difficulty she clambered through the tall pond-side grasses towards one of the small bushy trees growing close to the edge of the pond. It was in one of these small trees (2nd from the right), that ‘Aunt Maura’ lived.

I suppose that it should be mentioned that, although a distant relative, Aunt Maura wasn’t really an Aunt. She was very well known among spiders because of her kind nature, and she was called ‘Aunt Maura’ by spiders because… well… she was every-spider’s friend.

Spiders came to Aunt Maura for advice on practically everything. Sometimes she had queues outside her web! She even held special classes in thread-spinning and weaving for the younger spiders!

Aunt Maura was also one of those spiders that always seemed to know exactly what to do in an emergency! (Do you know someone like that?)

Aunt Maura didn’t have any of her own children. She always said that she didn’t need any, and that she had enough going on with everyone else’s!

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Anyway, with a very sad heart, Boris’ mum left him firmly tied down to Aunt Maura’s door-step, and then quietly slipped away. Boris was now an ‘abandoned baby’… never having really known any of his brothers or sisters, or even his mum! Poor little Boris.

Fortunately, Aunt Maura found Boris shortly after his mum had abandoned him. There was a note stuck to his blanket.

The note said…

‘Dear Aunt MauraI know you are a kind spider and will give my little baby a better life than I can. Please look after him for me.I’m sorry.Thank you.I’m very sorry.’

At this point Aunt Maura began to go into shock!Then she read the ‘P.S.’ at the bottom of the note…

‘P.S. You will need to keep him webbed-down until he learns to control himself.Sorry.Thank you.I’m really, really sorry.

Aunt Maura soon discovered why Boris was so firmly webbed-down! (About twenty seconds after she released him from his webbing actually!)

When she finally managed to grab hold of him, she hugged him tightly and laughed out loud. “My, what an interesting time we have in store my little-one…” she giggled quietly “…all big eyes, smiles and legs!” Then she smiled, a soft, sad kind of smile, and looked down at the little black bundle of limbs snuggled-up in her fore-legs.

This was the first time that Boris had ever been hugged.

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Chapter 5

Of course, Aunt Maura tried hard to find Boris’ real mum. She searched the local shrubs and flowerbeds (with Boris tied firmly onto her back) asking every spider she met if they recognised him. “All young spiders look the same to me!” was the most common answer - which is actually not far from the truth. Even mums sometimes had problems recognising their own children. There’s just so many of them!

After 2 long days of searching, Aunt Maura wearily returned back to her home - with Boris still riding quite happily on her back.

Aunt Maura knew that it was now up to her to look after Boris. His mum had trusted her, so she was going to do the best that she could.

It only took a few days for Aunt Maura to realise that she rather enjoyed having this big-eyed spiderling around. Even with his unusual problem.

It wasn’t long before she looked on Boris as if he were her own son.

She cared for him. She spent quality time with him.

She loved him.

Aunt Maura was the one that gave him his name - which he pronounced ‘Bowish’! (Well, he was still rather young!).

Aunt Maura soon got used to Boris’ problem too, and she tried to teach him ways to control it. Nothing really worked though.

In fact sometimes it even made things worse! Poor Boris.

Now I mentioned earlier that Boris was kind of… ‘different’.Boy was he different!

You see, Boris could fart!

Now there’s nothing unusual in being able to blast out ‘botty-burps’. In fact, most people fart between 8 and 15 times a day!

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Yep, if you are a living, breathing thing (and you probably are if you’re reading this book!) the chances are that you are a living, breathing, farting thing.

However, Spiders do not fart!Well… they are not supposed to anyway!

But Boris did.

All day - every day! All night - every night! Asleep or awake, it simply didn’t seem to matter to Boris’ stomach. It just loved producing gas!

It didn’t seem to matter what Boris had to eat either, or even if he ate at all! He just kept on blasting!

As he got older, poor Boris found it more and more difficult to control his wind output.Once he even tried not eating for 3 days to see if he could stop farting! It didn’t work of course. He farted just as often as normal.

As he grew into a young thread-spinner, Boris developed his own special exercises to build up the strength in his bum-muscles. He hoped to become better at holding on to his wind until it was safe (or polite) to ‘let rip’. However, those spiders that saw him then said that, at times, he looked twice as big as normal (and fit to burst) with all that gas inside him!

Even when Boris did manage to find a time or place where he thought he could fart in safety, quite often the power of his fart would blast him - totally out of control - up to 20 centimetres away! Through almost anything that got in the way!

Unfortunately, ‘things that got in the way’ often included the home-webs of other spiders, and sometimes it even included the unfortunate spiders themselves!

Imagine the scene: there you are, all cosy and comfortable in your web - just getting ready to tuck into a rather tasty snack of dried Mayflies – when… "KABOOM!” …an explosion rattles your eardrums… then your damaged ears pick up the sound of rushing wind… and, just as you turn to look in the direction of the noise…… “SMASH!” a jet-propelled spider crashes into your web at supersonic speed and knocks you (and your mayfly snack) clear into the middle of next

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week!

Try explaining that one at the hospital!

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Chapter 6

Now you may think that it would be great fun to have a friend that farted all the time, but believe me, the novelty soon wears off!

Trouble seemed to follow Boris around no matter where he went. Hardly surprising really, when you realise that most spiders (especially the teachers!) thought that Boris was farting ‘on purpose’, and that he was ‘seeking attention’.

Mind you, Boris didn’t help things much by letting off enormous stinkers at the worst possible times!

Take last week at school for example. All the 2nd level spiders (including Boris) were having maths, and were desperately trying to make sense of quadratic equations. ‘Old Baldy’ the maths teacher was trying to explain (for the third time) about ‘not forgetting to move the decimal point’ (or something like that).

He was just beginning to go blue with anger and frustration when all of a sudden Boris let loose a seriously loud fart. It not only rattled the walls of the class-web, but also had Old Baldy diving under his desk for cover!

The fart sounded like a nuclear bomb, and lasted for nearly 3 seconds!

Imagine rotten eggs mixed with beans, sprouts, rotten cabbage, and mouldy caterpillars and you may get an idea of how smelly it was!

When ‘Old Baldy’ finally struggled out from under his desk, he screamed and shouted until he got every-spider to stop laughing and get back onto their seats - with mouths closed, and forelegs folded! He then shouted a bit more, before giving the whole class detention!

Every single spider in class looked round to stare at Boris.

He felt that no matter what he did, he just couldn’t win.

No-spider ever tried to make friends or play with Boris, either in or out of school. In fact, no-spider ever came near him if they could help it. All they ever did was point and laugh at him, or call him names like ‘Smelly’ and ‘Windy-bum’.

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He felt ever-so lonely.

It seems that young spiders can be just as cruel as young humans.

After school Boris would sit alone in his home-web and watch all his schoolmates playing together. Some of the boys in his class even had girlfriends. Poor Boris felt that he would never have a girlfriend. ‘Hardly surprising really’ he would say to himself ‘I mean, what girl in her right mind would want me as a boyfriend?’

The sad truth was that Boris would have been happy with any kind of friend.

However, occasionally Boris had his otherwise sad and lonely school life brightened up by a rare and fleeting glimpse of his ‘secret love’.Her name was Imelda (‘Imelda Bananya Big-foot’ actually), and just thinking about her gave him green-fly bumps all over and made the hairs on his belly quiver!

Boris thought she was beautiful.

He also knew she was very clever. She passed her ‘Stage 3 - Thread Spinning’, and her ‘Grade 2 - Gnat Wrapping’ when she was still at nursery! Normally you wouldn’t pass those until you reached level 1 Junior!

Boris was completely in love with her, but he knew he had no chance with a girl like Imelda.

However, one of the strange things about life is that sometimes the most unexpected and amazing things happen. Things that you would have never imagined!

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Chapter 7

The bullying, teasing, and detentions meant that Boris didn’t really look forward to going to school - not surprising really. However, Boris was quite a clever and sensible young spider, and he knew how important a good education was (Aunt Maura must have told him a million times!), so he tried his best to ignore the bad stuff and try to do well with his schoolwork. Boris knew that, when things began to get too much, he always had Aunt Maura to talk with. She was always there for him, ‘just like a real mum!’ as Boris often told himself.

The fact that Boris had quite a hard time at school, and that he had no friends, meant that he had become quite an independent young spider. He had a wonderful imagination, and could sometimes read two or three books a week! He became used to doing things alone.

The main thing that he looked forward to was the school holidays. It was then (with Aunt Maura’s full knowledge and permission of course) he could sneak off to his secret ‘hide-away web’ and spend time on his own!

Boris had built his secret web in a quiet part of the big conifer-hedge near the bottom edge of the meadow. It was dark, damp and not very inviting, so few spiders ever went there. It was the perfect place for a secret hideout!

Only there, away from all the other spiders, could he really relax and enjoy his two favourite pastimes; eating and exploring!

Of course, being alone, he could also fart whenever he wanted!

But there was also another reason why Boris loved to escape to his secret web!

Boris rather liked mosquitoes.

In fact, he loved them… and I don’t mean in a “Wow, aren’t they amazing and beautiful?” kind of way. I mean he loved to eat them!

He liked to leave them in the catch-web until they were nice and dried up. All crunchy and crispy! He always had a tough job trying to get at all the little bits that got stuck in-between his teeth. It took ages… and he loved it!

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By the way, just in case you’re interested, mosquitoes taste rather like those little green ‘loopy’ caterpillars you see in the garden in summer. Not nice at all for humans (instant ‘Pukeville’!) but to Boris they tasted like caviar and honey rolled into one!

To most spiders, eating mosquitoes is not a problem. However, as we all know, our Boris is not your ordinary ‘run-of-the-mill’ spider. Unfortunately, mosquitoes had a rather dramatic (and evil) effect on his digestive system!

Boris’ mosquito farts were so wickedly, disgustingly gross that the merest ‘whiff’ would make any insect (and even some of the smaller animals) instantly throw-up!

However, this was only the first stage (‘Stage 1’) of a mosquito fuelled ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’Stage 1, ‘The Puking’ would last for approximately 2/3 minutes in most insects (up to 10 minutes in the smaller ones), and was immediately followed by a period in which the victim’s whole body would go into spasm - twitching and jerking violently.

This was Stage 2, ‘The Jerking’ which could last for anything up to 5 minutes.

Then Stage 3, ‘The Big Sleep’ - the final stage - would ‘kick-in’.

You could always tell when stage 3 was starting, because the poor victim would suddenly stop twitching and jerking around, and begin pleading for mercy before dropping like a stone to the ground in a deep sleep!

You really shouldn’t laugh you know! In some creatures this was only the start of many days of confusion! Stage 3 could last for up to 30 minutes in ‘Boris-sized’ insects, but up to 2 or 3 hours in the smaller ones (green-fly, the smaller spiders etc).

And worse was yet to come!

When it did eventually wake up, the poor confused insect would have no memory of what had happened. It would also have no idea who it was, where it was, or what it was supposed to be doing! (Mosquito fart-gas had quite a traumatic effect on short-term memory!)

And still Boris’ ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’ hadn’t finished!

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After waking up the poor thing would, of course, try to stand up!

Unfortunately, ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’ gas also affects the nervous system in such a way as to completely separate the limbs from the brain. This means that the victim’s legs (and arms, if they have any) simply refused to do what the brain was telling them to do. Instead, they would do whatever they felt like doing - which, more often than not was something completely different from every other limb!

Now that’s what I call a seriously smelly fart!

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Chapter 8

Naturally, Boris couldn’t eat mosquitoes when he was in his home shrub - the risk to other spiders was too great!

Maybe now you can understand why Boris loved his secret web so much. Not only could he eat, explore, and ‘pop-a-smelly’ whenever he felt like it - he could munch on his favourite snack without running the risk of putting the entire spider population of his home-shrub into a deep sleep! Of course, that would only be after they had gone through stages 1 and 2 of Boris’ ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’.

Imagine the mess!

Imagine the smell!

It just wasn’t worth the risk.

Fortunately for Boris, he didn’t have to wait too long until the next school holiday, made all the more exciting because it was ‘The Big One’ - the long summer holiday that all young spiders look forward to!

He became more and more restless as the end-of-term got closer and, with just over a week to go Boris was spending most of his time daydreaming of endless days eating, exploring, and farting whenever he felt like it!

Finally, the timetable was given out for the last week of term.

There was uproar among the pupils!Even Boris couldn’t believe it!

There were lessons planned all the way up to lunchtime on the very last day of term! A bit mean, don’t you think?

Those last few days dragged by (as they always do!), but Boris satisfied himself with the thought that ‘The Last Day’ was getting closer and closer.

Then it arrived!

The teachers tried their best to teach, but, to be honest, I don’t think their hearts were really in it. I suppose the teachers were looking forward to the

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holiday as much as their pupils!

At lunch-time, all pupils were told to walk quietly and sensibly to the main recreation web, where the Head-teacher would address the entire school.

After a short speech (actually a very short speech - the Head could see that she was losing control) the school was officially dismissed for the summer. All of the teachers were immediately covered in a shower of inkblots fired by the pupils! Very few teachers escaped the barrage, but certain teachers did seem to get hit much more than others!

Boris ran all the way home.

Once over the door-step, he quickly climbed to his corner and grabbed his knapsack. He had first packed his knapsack 2 weeks ago; but it was checked and re-checked every day – ‘just to make sure’!

Boris carefully went through his ‘last-minute’ checklist (again!)., and, when he was certain that everything was in order, he shouted an excited ‘Goodbye’ to a smiling Aunt Maura and dropped from the web.

He ran a few steps… and then stopped.

Turning around, he looked back at Aunt Maura.

Grinning broadly at her, he blew a huge kiss and shouted “Love you Mum, see you in a few weeks… and don’t worry!”

This was the very first time Boris had called Aunt Maura ‘Mum’, and to this day, the thought of that moment brings tears of joy to her eyes.

Finally, she really did have a child of her own.

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Chapter 9

Happy at last, Boris began the long hike to his secret web.

He took his time on the journey, enjoying the scenery and the peace and quiet. He also made sure to stop for lots of rests and snacks!

He made it to his hideout just as the sun was setting, and with legs aching from the afternoon’s long walk he slowly climbed up the tall hedge to his web.

Despite his weariness, he had one more thing to do before he could curl up for the night.

It was a sort of ‘Tradition’.

With a tired smile on his face, he climbed to the highest point in the hedge above his web and sat down quietly to watch the sun complete its days work and slowly sink beneath the horizon.

The sky was filled with a magical red glow. ‘Red sky at night, spider’s delight’ thought Boris to himself ‘…tomorrow is going to be a good day.’

Suddenly feeling very tired, he lowered himself down to his web, curled up into a tight snug little black ball, farted twice, and promptly fell into a deep sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, he lazily stretched and yawned. “Good morning Boris” he quietly said to himself as he looked out with sleepy eyes across the huge garden.Then he smiled. “Good morning indeed” he muttered again for no particular reason.

Boris felt happier than he had been for a long time, and he hadn’t even done any exploring yet!

Being quite an imaginative spider, he loved to read adventure stories, and had built up quite a library in his secret web during his numerous visits - bringing one or two books each time he came.

He had them all neatly stacked in the top corner of his web, where they were protected from the weather by the bigger branches of the old conifer trees

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that made the hedge.

He had cleverly webbed together the thinner branches directly above the books, making a very effective roof.Needless to say, the books all had a common theme - mainly recounting the adventures of famous spider explorers.

Boris treasured his books.

The stories he read helped him to drift off into his own world, where his imagination could run riot with ‘narrow escapes from danger’ and ‘the rescue of a beautiful girl from certain death’ etc!

I think he really believed he had ‘explorer-blood’ in him, somewhere along the thread!

Boris never took too long to get into ‘holiday mode’, and was soon following his routine, which went like this:

1. Breakfast.2. Decide which area to explore.3. Snack. 4. EXPLORE!5. Lunch.6. More exploring.7. Afternoon snack.8. Trek back to the web.9. Dinner.10.Read/relax.11.Supper.12.More reading/relaxing.13.Sleep.

It was a routine he followed day, after day, after day!

It was on one of those days, whilst out exploring, that Boris discovered he had quite an unusual talent!

The special exercises he was doing to build up strength in his bum-muscles, now gave him tremendous control over his farting.

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In fact, if he concentrated hard enough, he could ‘play around’ with the pitch and tone of his farts, as well as the length and volume. After only a few days of serious practice, his farting actually began to sound musical!

He quickly became so good at controlling his bum-muscles that he could even copy the sounds of a couple of real instruments!

He did quite a good impression of a French Horn, and a very impressive Tenor Saxophone sound.‘Practice Makes Perfect!’

How many times have you heard THAT phrase?

However, there is no denying that Boris’ musical talent improved with practice. In fact, he became so good that he could play a couple of the current ‘pop tunes’ of the day!

His particular favourite was ‘Shake Your Thorax’ by The Beetles.

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Chapter 10

Alone in his secret web, Boris could also eat his favourite snack whenever he wanted to; or rather, whenever he could catch them! He never really noticed the disgusting smell that hung permanently around his web because, like us all, Boris didn’t mind his own fart smells. Even the really gross smell of a mosquito powered ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’ only made him feel slightly sick!

More than anything else (even eating mosquitoes), Boris loved exploring! He loved to think about exploring. He loved to talk about exploring (if he could get Aunt Maura to listen!).

He loved to read about exploring.

Boris even dreamed about exploring!

Beautiful summer day followed beautiful summer day.

The sun shone.

Boris picked a new area to explore every day, made sure he ate enough to keep up his energy, and relaxed and read his books every evening.

However, ‘All good things end up in the web’, as the old spiders say, and, after endless days of eating, exploring, reading and farting - but not necessarily in that order - Boris woke up one perfect ‘blue-sky’ morning near the end of the holidays.

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Chapter 11

The Middle

On this particular morning Boris woke up with a big grin on his face. He had dreamt a very exciting dream - about exploring of course - and remembered the adventure vividly.

In his dream, Boris had been exploring an area never before explored by spiders. He survived dangerous encounters with ferocious wild animals, and rescued a beautiful girl!

But that wasn’t all!

His smile got even bigger as he remembered that he and the beautiful girl he rescued fell madly in love with each other and lived happily ever after!‘If only!’ he joked to himself.

After a quick grooming and tidy up (he always kept his web clean), Boris prepared for the day ahead.

He looked up at the sun, which was already blazing in a bright blue and completely cloudless sky. (Spiders can do this without hurting their eyes… people can’t, so don’t try it!).

As he then lowered his gaze to look over his ‘hunting ground’, quite suddenly, and for no apparent reason, the hairs on his belly started to quiver.

Something made him feel that ‘today’ was going to be different from all the other days. He didn’t know why - he could just feel it.

The garden of ‘The Old House’ was very quiet as the heat brought almost every living thing to a standstill. Not Boris though, he was planning to do more exploring!

That dream had put him in the mood for a real adventure.

He had come to a decision.

It was quite a big decision.

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Boris decided that today was going to be THE day!

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Chapter 12

During the long summer days Boris had managed to explore most of the quieter places in the enormous garden; including the ‘hidden-garden’, the greenhouse, the top-lawn and the borders - even most of the meadow!

I say ‘most’ of the garden because there was one area, close to the old garden tool shed, that he had not explored.

And for a very good reason!

In the past, whenever Boris had got anywhere near this particular area (he called it ‘Area 51 - Spooksville’), he began to hear very strange, and very, very frightening noises! Ghostly moans and tortured screams mainly.Well, that’s what they sounded like to Boris!

Using his intelligence (remember, I did say he was quite a clever spider!), he decided that there were lots of other places to explore that didn’t have ghostly moans and tortured screams – so he chose to leave ‘Area 51 - Spooksville’ well alone!

Until now!Today was the day that his curiosity eventually got the better of him - just like in the old saying (I’m sure you will have heard of it) - ‘Curiosity killed the Spider’.

Chapter 13

Don’t get me wrong, Boris was not overjoyed at the prospect of meeting up with whatever made those awful scary noises, but having explored practically everywhere else in the garden (and with only 3 days left before school started again), ‘Area 51’ had to be ‘The Final Challenge!’

Boris had decided to get a grip of himself (actually quite easy to do if you are a spider) and face up to his fears.‘Area 51 - Spooksville’ was waiting for him!

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He prepared for his final adventure by packing his little knapsack with the same three items he always took with him when exploring.

1. His sunglasses.2. His favourite red bandanna, and…3. A small pot of ‘wasp-sting’ cream (just in case!).

As he planned his route, he couldn’t help thinking about his dream again, and smiled as he remembered rescuing the beautiful girl-spider.

His smile grew wider as he remembered they fell madly in love and lived happily ever after.

Well, as I have said before, life can be very strange sometimes. Certainly, on this most special of summer days, our windy-bottomed spider had no idea that his dream of an adventure, filled with danger, narrow escapes, and the rescue of a beautiful girl, was all about to come true.

Even the falling in love bit!

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Chapter 14

Boris was keen to get started, and threw his knapsack onto his back. He fastened it firmly in place with a couple of sticky threads, and, feeling confident, began the march to ‘Area 51’.

This just HAD to be his absolutely most exciting adventure yet!

Naturally, it wasn’t too long before he was looking for a snack (or 3!). Fortunately snacking was never a problem, as he had set up numerous catch-webs all over the garden. He simply had to check them out for snacks as he walked.

By the time he reached the outskirts of ‘Area 51’, he had checked more than 30 or so catch-webs. Over half of them had snacks that he simply couldn’t resist. They included 22 mosquitoes!

Many of the catch-webs had other tasty flyers too, so by the time he actually reached ‘Area 51’ he was absolutely and completely stuffed (and his farts were more evil than you could ever imagine)!

As Boris had loaded the mosquitoes and various other snacks into his stomach, his farts became bigger, louder, and smellier.

Not that he cared!

The mosquitoes worked their particular magic on Boris’ digestive system and produced a simmering cocktail of evil smelling gas that was almost deadly to insects!

Unfortunately, a poor old centipede found out just how lethal Boris’ farts were!

It happened earlier in the morning, shortly after Boris had indulged in yet another small snack (3 mosquitoes, one fat juicy wasp, 2 small gnats, and an old shrivelled-up blue-bottle).

He was concentrating on working his way through a particularly dense patch of chickweed when he suddenly came upon an elderly centipede out for his daily walk.

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The poor old centipede got the shock of his life when Boris suddenly appeared out of the chickweed!He froze on the spot and instantly closed his eyes, thinking ‘If I can’t see the spider, then he can’t see me’! (Centipedes are not exactly the brightest of crawlers!)

Unfortunately for the centipede, Boris also got a bit of a shock, and accidentally let-off a small fart as he jumped sideways.

The old centipede had no idea what was coming as the gas from Boris’ ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’ began to creep its way slowly along the ground to where he was cowering. (Still with his eyes closed!).

Oh dear!

Boris watched helplessly as the poor creature breathed in the first whiffs of ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’ gas.

The centipede slowly opened his eyes, and moved his head to look up at Boris - his eyes suddenly wide with a mixture of fear and confusion. Then he dropped his walking stick, gagged once, and then started to puke all over the place!

Stage 1 of ‘The Ultimate Stinky Pump’ had begun.

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Chapter 15

The poor old centipede began to threw-up so hard that his spectacles were thrown to the ground at his feet. His false teeth (which he had always said had never fitted him properly anyway!) were catapulted almost 2 centimetres into the middle of a nettle patch!

Boris felt ever so guilty! He tried hard to waft the fart-gas away from the old chap by waving his forelegs around - but it didn’t seem to help much.

Boris thought he may be able to pick the centipede up and carry him to a ‘fart-free zone’, but the creature was, by now, covered from head to feet in sick.

He would have been a slippery bundle to hold!

Boris eventually gave up any hope of helping when the old boy suddenly, and very dramatically, entered ‘Stage 2’ of the ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’.

He began twitching and jerking like a mad dancer!

‘Oh well’ thought Boris, ‘at least he’s stopped puking’!

Boris couldn’t get anywhere near the wildly jerking insect without risking serious injury, but he managed to find a twig long enough to poke and prod him towards a plant-root hollow.

There the centipede finally collapsed into stage 3.

Boris dutifully retrieved the centipede’s glasses and cleaned the sick off them with a soft buttercup petal. He eventually even managed to find the old chap’s false teeth in the nettle patch, and he placed them, along with the glasses, on the ground next to the sleeping centipede.

The old codger’s walking stick was beyond repair. It had been smashed to splinters during the stage 2 convulsions.

However, Boris picked up the splinters and laid them (in a sort of ‘walking-stick’ shape) next to the spectacles and false teeth.

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He felt dreadfully sorry for the poor thing.

In the twilight of his life anyway, the doddery codger was probably confused enough before suffering the effects of Boris’ ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’! Goodness knows what he’ll be like after this!

Boris left him there to ‘sleep-it-off’. He had tried his best to make sure that the old chap was as comfortable as possible, even covering him with buttercup petals to prevent him getting a chill later on. The petals also hid him from the searching eyes and hungry stomachs of birds.

Anyway… back to our Boris - who was now getting very close to the outer-limits of ‘Area 51 - Spooksville’!

He had reached the point where the ‘ghostly moans and tortured screams’ normally started - and - sure enough, he heard them now.

But this time they sounded different.

There were screams, most definitely - but they didn’t sound the same as before. He couldn’t hear any ‘ghostly moans’ this time either. But there were - if he listened carefully enough - cries for help!

Female cries for help at that!

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Chapter 16

Boris took time to consider the situation. ‘Ghostly Moans and Tortured Screams’ are one thing - but cries for help from a possible maiden in distress were another thing altogether!

Boris actually began to feel a little scared.

He knew he couldn’t run away from this situation. This wasn’t a story - this was for real!

He had to do something. It was his duty as an adventurer and an explorer , but it was also his duty as a spider.

A rescue had to be planned! But first, Boris needed more information. He had to get closer and try to find out what was happening. He needed to be careful, but above all else he needed to be quiet!

Very quiet!

He couldn’t afford an untimely fart to give away his position. ‘After all’ he thought ‘it may be a trap or something.’

Boris decided to quietly let-off a steaming jet of poisonous fart-gas to lower his internal pressure a little bit. He still held onto a large ‘reserve’ though, just in case he needed it as a weapon of self-defence.

Then something very strange happened.

Boris began to realise that he wasn’t frightened anymore.

He was excited.

He was confident.

It helped, of course, that he was armed with the deadliest knockout gas in the insect world!

Well, it would, wouldn’t it!

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The excitement he felt churned the mosquito remnants in his stomach, slowly and steadily producing more evil smelling gas.

However, for the moment at least, Boris was in control. He could remain fart-free, and therefore quiet, for a short while yet.

He then took out his red bandanna and tied it tightly around his head.Now he felt ready… for anything!

He made his way to one of the smaller trees that marked the boundary of ‘Area 51’ and began climbing. He was careful, and very, very quiet.

The screaming never stopped or slowed as Boris continued to climb higher and higher.

When he felt that he had climbed high enough, he began to move towards the general area of the screams.

As he got closer, he began to hear sobbing in-between the screams and cries for help.

‘This is one very frightened lady’ thought Boris.

He also thought that he recognised the voice, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t quite figure out who the voice belonged to.

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Chapter 17

Boris continued moving slowly towards the screams, his senses working on overtime, listening, smelling and feeling his way carefully. His eyes peered ahead (and behind, and to the sides, and upwards!) for signs of trouble. Even the air itself was being ‘tasted’ for possible danger and information.

At regular intervals Boris would carefully squeeze out a single fine sticky thread from his spinnerets and attach it to the branch or leaf he was climbing on. In an emergency he could leap off to safety. (A sort of ‘safety-rope’ I suppose)

He moved on, edging closer and closer to the terrifying sounds.

Then, quite suddenly, the screams got louder and even more desperate.

The sudden increase in noise startled Boris, who accidentally let-off a short but powerful fart (he had done very well up until now!).

Boris never saw the effects of his fart on the unfortunate Leaf-bug resting under the leaf just behind him. The poor little thing was puking itself silly before it hit the ground! A definite case of ‘wrong place - wrong time’!

It will fully recover though - eventually!

The screaming became more and more frantic the closer Boris got, and he was getting closer with each delicate and careful step he took.

He was in ‘Stealth Mode’.

He was ‘In The Zone’!

Just - a - few - more - centimetres…

Boris moved more carefully and quietly than he had ever done before, but he was now also trying to control the pressure building up quickly in his gas chamber!

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He took a few more steps… and then froze as he spotted the source of the screaming.

He stared, his eyes wide with shock.

‘It can’t be…’ he thought to himself.

‘It can’t be…’ he thought again.

Boris crouched, frozen to spot, and stared in total disbelief.

‘It is!’ thought Boris.

“Great Spider!” he whispered, “Its Imelda!”

And it was!

Imelda Bananya Big-foot, his secret love!

He scanned the immediate area in an attempt to make sense of the situation.

Imelda was quite badly hurt, and obviously in a great deal of pain.

Boris could see that three of her legs were broken. They were all on her right side too. Walking or standing would be impossible for her.

He could also see that she had cuts to her head and body, but her screaming proved that she was still fully conscious!

She looked terrified.

Boris was thinking of what to do next when he became aware of a deep rumbling which (for a change!) seemed to have nothing to do with his stomach!

He turned his gaze to focus on the ground just behind Imelda.

And then he saw them.

Imelda had seen them too… which explained the recent increase in her screaming!

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Boris was looking down at the biggest army of red ‘Soldier Ants’ he had ever seen in his entire life!

In fact he was looking at the ONLY army of Soldier Ants he had ever seen in his life - but it was big nonetheless!

The red line of ants seemed to be endless, and they were rapidly closing in on Imelda. The most feared and fearless soldiers in the entire insect world had Imelda marked out as their next ‘Take-away’ meal - in portions!

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Chapter 18

Imelda was utterly helpless, and the ants were now less than a metre away from her. They were closing fast.

Once they reached her, they would have her chewed and chopped into small pieces and carried off back to their colony within minutes!

Boris had to act fast.

He flexed his bum muscles - testing for response and sensitivity. The pressure in his gas chamber suddenly began to increase.

“It must be nerves.” he muttered to himself.

He looked at Imelda.

Then he looked again at the Soldier Ants.

Any other spider not quite as clever as our Boris would race quickly to Imelda, grab her, throw her on their back, and run away as fast as they could!

Not Boris.

He knew that Imelda was seriously hurt, and that moving her could possibly make her injuries worse. Maybe even kill her!

Somehow the Soldier ants would have to be distracted away from her… or beaten! If he did nothing, then Imelda would be killed and dismantled piece-by-piece before his very eyes. He had to act now if she was to have any chance of rescue.

He had no choice to make but the right choice.

The choice only a true hero would make.

He would try.

But exactly what he would try he wasn’t sure!

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He started to put his brain to work, desperately trying to think of a way to save Imelda.

The shock of seeing Imelda had increased the rumbling in his stomach, and gas pressure was reaching critical. Boris was just about to release some gas to ease the pressure when the seeds of an idea began to form in his mind.

‘Crazy!’ he thought to himself… ‘It could never work… could it?’

Boris quickly went through the theory of his desperate plan; power to weight ratio, trajectory, aerodynamics, distance, acceleration, G-force. (I told you he was clever!)

“It has to work!” he whispered to himself “… it just has to!”

Boris lifted his eyes to look directly at the leaders of the huge army of ants getting closer and closer to Imelda.

He took a deep breath, and then shouted at the top of his voice “YOU WILL NOT BE DINING ON SPIDER-MEAT TODAY!”

The ants took no notice.

Boris was about a metre off the ground and 2 metres away from Imelda, who was lying in a little clearing under a tall Gorse bush.

He stuck a ‘double-strength’ thread to his branch and, after adjusting his bandanna, quickly removed his sunglasses from his knapsack and pushed them firmly into place over his eyes.

He then carefully lined himself up with a branch hanging almost directly above Imelda and, when he was satisfied with his position, settled down and tucked his legs under his body.

He then took a very, very deep breath in, while at the same time clenching his bum muscles as tight as he could. He knew that he was going to need some serious power for this to work!

When he had breathed in as much as he possibly could, he clenched his mouth tightly closed, held his breath, and then slowly… began… to tighten… up… his… stomach muscles!

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The pressure inside Boris reached critical - and kept increasing. Every fibre of Boris’ body was working to stop him from exploding!

Just one… more… little… squeeze… and… “KAABBOOOOM!”

The beautifully controlled fart that exploded from Boris’ bum sent him flying through the air at a tremendous speed, his safety thread glinting in the sun behind him like some kind of cosmic rocket trail.

On hearing the explosion, Imelda stopped screaming and looked around to see what had exploded.

What she saw will stay in her memory forever.

Picture this… if you can!

Boris flying through the air towards Imelda at the speed of sound… red bandanna on his head… a huge toothy grin on his face… sunglasses… and all eight legs flapping wildly in the wind behind him!

Boy did he look cool!

As he flew through the air, Boris caught Imelda’s eye and he cheekily gave her a ‘wink’.

Imelda’s mouth dropped wide-open!

Boris meanwhile continued to fly majestically towards her and, at exactly the right moment, he cut loose his safety thread and twisted his body around until it was aiming at the branch directly above Imelda.

He then blasted a powerful but narrow fart towards the branch, at the same time releasing another strong silken thread.

The fart blasted the thread, like a silver arrow, perfectly to its target where it stuck like glue on contact with the branch.

Boris then swung triumphantly to the ground, looking like a cross between Tarzan the Apeman and a member of the ‘S.A.S.’ (‘Special Army Spider’).

He landed less than two centimetres from Imelda’s broken body.

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Although her mouth was still wide-open, Imelda’s eyes beamed with astonishment and wonder!

Boris’ fart-chamber rumbled menacingly, a seething mass of deadly mosquito-gas. He took off his knapsack and placed it on the ground close to Imelda, and then turned to look at her.

Despite her pain and fear, Imelda was managing a pretty good impression of a smile. And it seemed to be meant for him!

Boris could feel himself blushing, which made Imelda smile even more!

He gave her another wink and then turned around quickly. “I’ll be back” he said quietly, and then calmly strode off alone to meet the army of Soldier ants.

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Chapter 19

Imelda gasped! “Wait!” she shouted. “Please… stop! You’ll be eaten alive!” she screamed.

Boris slowly turned and gave Imelda a huge smile.

“I won’t be long...” he said “…stay there until I get back.”, and he continued walking towards the leading ranks of Soldier Ants.

“Boris, what are you going to do?” Imelda shouted.

“I’m going to teach a few little ants not to mess with us spiders.” Boris replied.

Imelda just stared after him as he walked proudly and confidently towards the long column of bloodthirsty ants.

He was less than 10 centimetres away from them when, for no apparent reason, he stopped dead in his tracks!

Imelda held her breath as she watched him reach up and adjust his bandanna and then check his sunglasses were firmly secured in place. Boris then lowered himself slowly to the ground, moved his legs close to his body, and did nothing!

Imelda stared in horror as she watched the Soldier Ants change direction slightly to head straight for Boris, who simply lifted his head a little to stare directly at them.Imelda was still holding her breath!

Excitement mounted within the ranks of the leading ants as they sensed ‘extra portions all-round’.

They increased their pace and prepared to charge.

Boris still didn’t move!

Imelda began to feel a bit faint, so she started breathing again.

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The leading soldier ants were less than 5 centimetres away when Boris finally moved. But if you weren’t looking closely you wouldn’t have noticed.

He began to breathe in… and he continued breathing in until he couldn’t breathe in any more.

At the same time Boris clenched his bum muscles very hard indeed!

Then… very slowly… he… began… to… tighten… up… his… stomach muscles. Gas pressure began to climb rapidly.

It reached ‘critical’ as the leading rows of soldier ants were only two centimetres away.

Boris looked directly into the eyes of the leading soldiers, and then screamed “Death or Glory!”

Then he relaxed! Everything! Completely!

‘KAAAAA - BOOOOOOOOM!’

The ‘shock-wave’ travelled for over 5 metres!

Imelda screamed in terror (you can’t blame her really!)

To the soldier ants it was the equivalent of an earthquake and an erupting volcano at the same time!

There is no doubt that this fart will go down in history as the biggest and loudest fart of the insect world. Ever!

Even the famous exploding Bombardier beetle couldn’t compete with that kind of power output!

A jet-powered stream of poisonous, putrid, mosquito-fuelled fart-gas blasted Boris like a cannonball into the leading ranks of Soldier ants, knocking them aside like skittles.

He smashed through the second ranks, going way too fast for any ant to grab him or slow him down.

He bounced, bludgeoned, and boomeranged his way backwards and

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forwards through row after row of ants, twisting his body to steer himself for maximum coverage.

Ants were dodging and ducking and diving around all over the place.

Some soldiers, completely failing to understand the danger they were in, began to laugh at the ‘flying spider’!

They stopped laughing when the first molecules of Boris’ ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’ entered their nostrils!

They started puking instead!

All over the place… thousands of them!

‘Stage 1’ had introduced itself to the ant army. It fell into complete chaos!

There were ants puking-up violently on all sides, quickly turning the ground into a slippery, stinking quagmire!

The ants that hadn’t as yet been affected by the gas could see that something pretty dreadful was happening to their comrades, so they tried to escape.

Notice the word ‘tried’!

Mainly they just slipped and slid around on the lake of sick not really making much progress.

It was only a matter of time before they were overcome and, just like the thousands of others, first began to gag…then throw-up!

It took Boris only twenty seconds to cover the entire army of soldier ants, end-to-end, in a cloud of ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’ gas. Good job really, because Boris’ could feel the pressure in his gas-tank dropping quickly. He was seconds away from running out of gas!

Initially there was enough fart-power to blast him around, almost airborne. Then he started running, blasting out deadly farts like a machine gun.

At the end he was walking - sweeping the edges of the army ranks and ready to use his remaining ‘ammunition’ on any ants still willing to have a go.

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He didn’t find many!

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Chapter 20

The End

When he was happy that there were no more ants to take care of, Boris worked his way back around the edge of the gas-cloud towards Imelda.Meanwhile, the ants that had entered ‘Stage 2’ began to twitch and jerk around, crashing and bashing into each other and slipping around on the sick-covered ground. They tripped up and beat up hundreds of other ants as they jerked and flailed their limbs about. This made it difficult for any of the others to run away.

The battlefield was soon a mass of puking, twitching, jerking ants, all sliding and rolling around in their own sick.Thousands of them! Not a pretty sight (or smell!).It wasn’t long before the leading ants; the first to be affected by Boris’ ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’, started dropping like flies. For them, ‘Stage 3’ had begun. They would be asleep for quite some time.Boris thought about an hour, maybe even a little longer.He slowed his walk and looked around. Though exhausted, he was smiling. He considered himself a very lucky spider.His desperate plan had worked. Down to the finest detail!

He had fought, and beaten, a huge army of deadly ants.He had saved the life of Imelda - the most beautiful girl in the entire world!‘Yes!’ thought Boris.“YES, YES, YES!” he shouted!“YES, YES, YES!” he shouted again. Just because he felt like it!Then he remembered Imelda.

He got back to her fairly quickly, and, despite her pain she wore a huge smile!Their eyes locked for a brief moment, and Boris’ belly-hairs began to quiver.“I told you I’d be back” he said.“Boris” she said.“My Hero” she said (and she meant it!).Boris tried very hard to look like a hero by puffing out his chest, but it’s difficult to look ‘mean and broody’ when you’re blushing heavily! Still, he tried.

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It was then that Imelda fell instantly head-over-feet in love with him!

Boris meanwhile was kicking at a grain of dirt on the ground. Her gaze made his legs wobble. He quickly looked away to hide his embarrassment, and tried hard to pull himself together.“Don’t worry Imelda…” he said as he turned to meet her gaze, “…those ants will be asleep for ages. I’ll get you home.We’ll be ok – honest.”Imelda couldn’t say anything. She just kept smiling at him with a glazed look in her eyes.‘She must be in shock’ thought Boris. (love more like!).“I’ll get some twigs to splint your legs” he said “They should make you a lot more comfortable and ease the pain a little.” He looked at Imelda’s other wounds. “But first I have to deal with your other injuries.” he said quietly.As he looked once more into Imelda’s eyes he noticed, for the first time, her tears. Boris thought that she was very brave and strong - and he told her so.Now it was Imelda who blushed!After a deep sigh, Boris went to work!

He took the wasp-sting cream from his knapsack. ‘Not perfect…’ he thought ‘…but it has antiseptic and pain relieving properties, so it should help a little’.He gently spread the cream on all of the less serious wounds before covering them with a layer of fine woven silk - a ‘web bandage’.

He continued by carefully putting a little cream inside the cuts and lacerations on Imelda’s head and body, and then used a strong sticky thread to pull their edges together – a bit like stitching without a needle.It was very neat work, and Boris realised that Aunt Maura had taught him well.

As he tenderly wove the last bandage into place, Imelda looked up and gave Boris yet another smile that made his legs wobble.“Thank you, hero-spider!” she said, rather weakly. Boris returned her smile. “I’ll be back in a few minutes” he said, and trotted off. Imelda nodded slowly.

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Chapter 21

It only took Boris a couple of minutes to find 3 dried grass stems that would be perfect as splints for Imelda’s broken legs.He rushed back to her to begin work.

It was very painful for Imelda, as even the slightest movement would make her cry out in pain. However, she was very brave, and Boris was very careful.Boris slowly and carefully moved the first leg into a more ‘natural’ position (this was the most painful bit for Imelda) before spinning a sticky thread to firmly hold one of the splints in place against it. He then finished off by covering both the leg and splint in a strong ‘non-sticky’ protective covering.He did the same to the second broken leg and then, finally, the last leg received Boris’ tender loving care.Imelda’s pain slowly eased, and she even managed to relax a little.

It wasn’t long before she fell into a comfortable sleep, exhaustion finally catching up with her.

Boris waited a few more minutes, just to make sure she was ok, before deciding to check on the ‘ant-situation’.He thought that he would have a look around, just in case any of the less-affected soldiers were beginning to wake up.

His gas reserves were slowly building up again, so he was armed and dangerous!‘Lock and Load!’ he said to himself (I think our Boris is beginning to like this ‘Hero’ business, don’t you?).He made his way back to the battlefield, and looked out over the scene of devastation.

The ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’ gas had long since drifted off into the atmosphere (there were some pretty sick birds around for a couple of days afterwards!), so Boris could see the whole scene clearly.He was surrounded by thousands of ants, all sleeping where they fell.The luckier ants had collapsed on top of other sleeping ants.The unluckiest ants had fallen onto the sick-covered ground and had other ants fall on top of them. Yuck!

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Not a single ant moved!

Boris knew that all the excitement and nerves had reacted in his gut to increase the power of the mosquito-gas, but it looked like these guys would be out for hours yet!Not far wrong as it turned out. The ants that were only mildly affected took nearly three hours to wake up. Others took as long as six!

Boris finally felt he could relax a little, and lowered himself down to rest for a short while, and began to wonder what the ants would make of it all when they eventually managed to stagger back to their colony.

He would never know.

But I do!

What actually happened was that a few of the Soldier ants belonging to the back ranks of the army saw very clearly what was happening to their comrades. To them it was obvious.There was this flying spider……it farted on the soldiers……the soldiers breathed in the fart gas……started to puke and twitch around……then died! (that is what they thought anyway!)

Being among the very few soldiers that managed to escape and run back to the colony that day - this is the report they gave to their commander.

“SIR, the army SIR was attacked SIR and destroyed by a flying spider SIR that farted death, SIR!” was what they said!

Even though every single ant (over the next 5 days!) made it back to their colony, the legend of ‘The Flying Spider That Farts Death’ remains in that particular ant colony to this very day.

As you can imagine, those ants never, ever, went back to that area again!

Meanwhile… back to our exhausted hero, who had decided that ten minutes rest was enough. He made his way back to Imelda.

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When he got within sight of her, he could see she was dozing fitfully, as if she was re-living the afternoon’s horrific events. Boris quietly walked to her side.

She looked bruised and battered, and he felt a desperate need to protect her; to help her; to stop her from hurting.

That was when he realised he was in love.Properly… really in love!

His belly-hairs quivered (they seem to be doing that a lot lately, don’t they?).

She didn’t seem too bad, now that her legs were splinted, but you never can tell. Shock alone can kill a spider.

She needed to be seen by an expert.She needed to be seen by Aunt Maura!

Boris picked up his knapsack and webbed it in place right at the top of his back. He was going to need most of his back clear for what he had in mind.

Imelda stirred… “Owww, ouch, OW!” she moaned.

Then she opened her eyes, saw Boris, and felt much better.

She felt safe.

She knew Boris would get her home - she could trust him.

“Hi” she said weakly.“Hi to you too!” said Boris. “I think we should make a move soon. It’s going to take some time to get home with your weight on my back, and we only have a few hours until it gets dark.” He smiled at her.“Let’s go” replied Imelda, and held out a foreleg for Boris to help her wobble slowly to her feet.

Boris supported Imelda’s weak side (the side with the broken legs) and then slowly began to work his way underneath her.

She cried out with pain as two of her splinted legs got twisted.“Sorry” said Boris quietly. “It’s ok…” Imelda said “…keep going, you’re doing fine.”

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‘Brave and beautiful’ Boris thought to himself.

He tried again, this time succeeding in sliding right underneath her.

He then slowly and carefully stood up, lifting Imelda clear of the ground. Unfortunately, he farted quite loudly with the effort and, worried that Imelda would become an ‘Ultimate Stinky Pump’ victim, he ran away from the area as quickly as he could - without warning!

“FART POWER!” shouted Imelda at the top of her voice (thinking that the fart had shot them forward), and she desperately hung on to Boris’ with her 5 good legs.

At what he thought was a safe distance, Boris slowed to a walk. Then, with a shock, he remembered he had Imelda on his back!

He quickly looked over his left shoulder to find her grinning madly.She had rather cleverly fastened herself to Boris’ back with sticky threads.

Good job too given the speed he took off!

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Chapter 22

With eight legs, spiders can give pretty smooth ‘fly-a-backs’ (‘piggy-backs’ we humans call them), so Imelda was quite relaxed and comfortable as they made their way back home.

Boris’ digestive system had, by now, cleared itself of the deadly fart-gas (hardly surprising given how much he had let-rip during the afternoon!). Occasionally he would let a ‘normal’ fart quietly and secretly leak out.

Although they weren’t smelly, Imelda sometimes heard them of course, but she never said anything.

In the end, Boris gave up trying to disguise his farts.

The extra effort of having Imelda on his back as well as trying to control his fart output was making him feel extremely uncomfortable.

He decided to throw caution to the wind, and began to fart as and when he needed to. He always said “Excuse me” politely after each and every fart. (Aunt Maura had always taught him that ‘Politeness costs nothing’).

As Boris and Imelda chatted, certain things began to make sense. For example, Boris discovered that the spooky noises he heard coming from ‘Area 51’ were actually made by Imelda!

Just like him, she too had a secret hide-away.

She told him that some of the girls at school thought that she was ‘too beautiful and clever for her own good’, and picked on her practically every day. (Basically they were all jealous of her.) They took any opportunity they could to make her look foolish, and one girl even told lies to the Head and got Imelda detention - her first ever!

It seems that she was just as sad and lonely as Boris, and that was why she loved to escape to her secret place, where she could read as much as she wanted, with no-spider to call her names like ‘bookie’ or ‘swotty-bum’.

She certainly didn’t want her hide-out to be discovered so, if she heard or

49

sensed another spider approaching she would scream and shriek something awful (girls can do that, can’t they?).

It normally did the trick, and had scared away every single spider that got too close.

It had certainly worked on Boris! For a while anyway!

It’s a good job he went back isn’t it?

When Imelda had finished telling her story, she asked Boris to begin his.

He explained all about his web and his adventures, finally telling Imelda his version about ‘Area 51 - Spooksville’.

When he got to the bit about first hearing ‘ghostly moans and tortured screams’, she started laughing so much she nearly fell off his back! She told Boris that she remembered the first time he came and, although he wasn’t close enough for her to see him, she sensed his ‘speedy retreat’!

They both started to laugh at each other, and ended up laughing at themselves!

Boris then went on (in great detail) about his ‘final assault’ on ‘Area 51’, and how he was expecting to meet some kind of monster. Imelda was giggling continuously, and Boris was now ‘playing to his audience’!

He told her how he struggled to control his bum muscles as he sneaked slowly towards what he thought was certain death!

Imelda was laughing uncontrollably at this point, and each laugh was followed by an ‘Ouch!’

I think you can guess how much Boris enjoyed recounting his attack on the army of ants!

Boris always did love a good story, and this was as good as any story in any of the books he had read!

When he started explaining how he thought of splinting her injured legs, he looked back at Imelda, realising for the first time that he had no idea how she had got her injuries.

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He asked (rather thoughtfully) if she minded talking about what had happened to her, and how she came to be injured.

“Not at all” she said, beaming a fond smile down to him.‘Brave, kind and thoughtful’ Imelda thought to herself.

She explained that, whilst out checking her catch-webs for flyers, she had been attacked by a young thug of a sparrow who, although not hungry, decided to have some fun and ‘throw her around a bit’.

Luckily he quickly got bored, and flew off to find something else to play with.

When Imelda started describing how she thought that she was going to die, all alone; and how scared she felt when she saw the ants; her voice trailed off into a whisper, and then she went quiet.

Boris imagined that the shock was wearing off, and that she was beginning to realise that she had cheated death today - not once (enough for any spider) - but twice!

He was almost right.

You see, Imelda wasn’t just thinking about how fortunate she was to have been rescued from certain death; she was thinking about how fortunate she was to have been rescued from certain death by the bravest, kindest, and most wonderful spider in the whole world!

Strange how things turn out sometimes, isn’t it?

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Chapter 23

Although they were making good ground, the day’s events were slowly catching up with Boris.He was young and very strong, and he had done ever so well to carry Imelda so far - but he needed to rest his legs for a short while. They were beginning to wobble a bit too much!

When they came upon one of Boris’ many catch-webs they decided to stop for a snack or two.

Once the flyers had been divided up, Boris simply lowered himself to the ground, resting his legs while Imelda snacked in comfort on the ‘top deck’. She had webbed all three injured legs firmly to Boris’ back so they didn’t move.

Although Imelda was still in pain, she chatted easily and freely as she shared her ‘picnic’ with Boris - ‘her own, personal, real, live Hero!’He chatted just as easily and freely as she did. He knew now that they were safe, and that they would soon be home.

As it turned out, their short snack-break lasted a bit longer than they planned! They both got carried away chatting!

When Boris finally remembered that they were supposed to be going home, he realised that he had never talked this much to any-spider before. Even Aunt Maura!

He also realised that, despite the horrors of the day, he felt very happy.Very happy indeed!

And do you know - Imelda was thinking exactly the same thing.

At exactly the same time!

Spooky!

Eventually Boris rose and carefully stretched each of his legs in turn. “Not too bad at all!” he said. “Ready when you are, my Princess” he continued.Imelda lent forwards and planted a kiss on the top of Boris’ head. “That’s for

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saving my life…” she said rather seriously.She kissed him again “…and that’s for being a Hero!” she said. Then she whispered “…my Hero!” and she kissed him again!

Not for the first time that day, Boris blushed and, also not for the first time that day, his belly-hairs quivered.

He laughed out loud and, with a sly grin said “I’m afraid it’s going to cost you a bit more than that!”

“If, my Hero…” said Imelda “…you mean that you would like to take me out on a date…” she looked down at Boris and smiled“…then I accept!”

She giggled nervously.

Boris felt like he had a thousand grasshoppers dancing in his stomach. He looked up and beamed a smile at Imelda “When you’ve fully recovered of course!” he said.

They talked on and on, hardly stopping for breath.

They swapped life-stories and learnt more and more about each other the closer they got to home.

Boris even talked about his rather unique problem, and how (just like Imelda) he was also bullied and teased at school.

He explained how ashamed and embarrassed he was about his farting, until Imelda interrupted and told him firmly that “… if he hadn’t been able to blast wind out of his bottom, she would currently be feeding half the families of an ant colony!” She went on to say that she “… didn’t give a ‘Gnat’s Doo-dah’ what other spiders think!”

Boris laughed so much he started spluttering!

Imelda couldn’t help but join in! They were caught up in a world of their own, both knowing they had not only found a true friend, but found ‘True Love’ as well.

Imelda even found it easy to cope with her pain - as long as they were talking! This suited Boris who found that, for some unknown reason, he

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couldn’t stop talking!

And so Boris and Imelda shared many stories and experiences on their way home - each step taking them closer and closer to safety… to their families… to Aunt Maura… and of course, back to School!

Well, I suppose even the most amazing summer holidays have to come to an end sometime, but maybe… just maybe… things will be a bit different now.

After all, Boris was returning a Hero!

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