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The Adoption

ConstellationA Publication of Adoption Mosaic

When AdoptionFAlls ApArtWhat We Can Learn

hoW Blogs Are trAnsForming our Community

humor And AdoptionAn Uneasy Balance

WAlking the line: CeleBrAting And grieving Adoption p. 18 * seArCh AdviCe p. 6

Winter 2011 volume 1 issue 2

2 The Adoption Constellation Winter 2011

3 From the Editor & Letters How Far We Have Come

4 Multifacets:Paper Pregnancy, Adoption Lexicon: Am Adopted or Was Adopted, Adoptive Parent Breastfeeding

5 Behind the Scenes:Humor and Adoption: An Uneasy Balance

6 Professionally Speaking:Sheila Ganz & Chris Winston answer questions about reunion

7 Column: ShelisePBS Made Me Cry - Faces of America from an adoptee’s perspective

8 Column: MaureenFirst Steps - Beginning the journey of reunion with my birth daughter

9 Column: CatherineOn Tea’s Birthday - Purchasing a gift for my son’s birth mother

10 Myth of The Forever Family: When Adoption Falls ApartA look at adoption disruption and dissolution

12 Book Review Baby We Were Meant For Each Other: In Praise of Adoption

13 Blogging Adoption

14 The Adoption Constellation InterviewA conversation with blogger Melissa Konomos

16 Ask Astrid & BJ Lifton MemorialHow do I approach talking to my adoptive parents about adoption?

17 Without BreakingAn Adoptee’s experience at the Concerned United Birthparents Retreat

18 Our Own Words Walking The Line - Both celebrating and grieving adoption

Publisher: Astrid DabbeniChief Editorial and Creative Director:

Tara KimEditorial Director: Livia Montana

Executive Editor: Kelly JeskeSubscription Manager: Shelise Gieseke

Project Associate: Kristin LiebowitzCopy editor: MereAnn ReidPhoto Editor: Troy Folsom

Send letters, submissions or questions to tara@adoptionmosaic.org

SubscriptionsThe Adoption Constellation is published quar-terlyYearly Subscriptions: USA $25.00, Canada $30.00, Other Countries $35.00

Subscribe online: www.adoptionmosaic.org/?page_id=1521For subscription questions: info@adoptionmo-saic.org or call (971) 212-1108

SubmissionsThe Adoption Constellation welcomes article and photography/art submissions. Please view writer’s guidelines at (www.adoptionmosaic.org/?page_id=1521) prior to submitting your work.

E-mail submissions to tara@adoptionmosaic.org

All rights reserved. Reproduction (whole or part) without permission is prohibited.

On the CoverCity Spirits by Sara Roizen

ContributorsDawn Friedman lives in Columbus, Ohio. Her work has appeared in Utne, Ode, Salon.com, Parenting and in Rebecca Walker’s anthology, One Big Happy Family. You can find her at www.DawnFriedman.com.

Jennifer Lauck is the author of the bestselling memoirs Blackbird, Still Waters, Show Me the Way and the soon to be released memoir, Found, the story of her own reunion journey.

Laura Willard is a Southern California-based freelance writer who has proudly and successfully avoided using her law school education for many years now. She and her husband have a three-year-old son from Vietnam and a two-year-old daughter from Ethiopia.

contents

Sara Roizen is a fine artist, art therapist, and muralist living in Queens, NY. She is inspired by the rhythms of nature as much as by the energy of the urban landscape. Sara currently works as an art therapist with men and women with HIV and AIDS who are also struggling with issues of mental illness and chemical addiction.

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from the editor

International First FamiliesI’ve ordered your magazine and think it is a great addition to the adoption world. I was wondering if there were any plans to try to include the voices of the first families in other countries. International adoption is a huge part of the adoption world and without the voices of the first parents/siblings/extended family whose members have been adopted, the magazine is missing a large and important part of the adoption constellation.

Terri, BC, Canada Adoption MosaicA colleague sent me a copy of your magazine and I read it cover to cover. I had never heard of Adoption Mosaic before but it looks like a great organization. I am both an adoptee and a birth parent and live firsthand the complexity of the two roles. I am looking forward to future issues.

Maura, Canberra, Australia

Balancing ActI’m very impressed by the balanced, yet challenging viewpoints you are bringing to the table, all in one publication.

Erin, Princeton, New Jersey

Together or AloneFinally a magazine that speaks to all members of the adoption community! Whether we go it alone in a separatist fashion, or walk together unified, the choice is up to us. I applaud your efforts to bring the community together.

Dan, Virginia

Tell us what you think: e-mail tara@adoptionmosaic.org. Correspondence may be edited for length and clarity.

Letters to the Editor

I’m always excited when January comes around and a new year blooms. It is a time of reflection; looking forward to the year ahead while honoring the year that has passed. This January I’m looking back even further to 1997. This was the year the Evan B. Donaldson Institute conducted their benchmark survey showing that approximately six of every ten

people in the United States had been affected by adoption. Either they, a family member, or a close friend had adopted a child, were adopted, or had placed a child for adoption. Already significant to begin with, I am certain that, in 2011, the numbers are even greater.

In the United States, just about everyone has either a personal experience with adoption, or knows someone who has. However, adoption is still so misunderstood. Just ask the birth parent who is told, “I could never give up my child,” the adoptee who is often questioned, “Who are your real parents,” or the adoptive parent who hears, “too bad you couldn’t have your own kids.” Oh yes, we still have a ways to go.

But as we are reminded of the path set before us, as we move into this new year, let’s never forget how far we have already come.In 2011 we now live in a time where the adoption constellation is no longer only a subset of the population. We are becoming less

marginalized and better heard. The visibility of adoption is the highest it has ever been. Movie stars with their adopted children grace the covers of countless magazines, adoption-focused movies and documentaries have surged, and it is commonplace to see adoption in print and news media on a regular basis. Yes, sometimes they get it horribly wrong, but there is an increased willingness to begin the conversations, recognize the complexities, and to acknowledge the truth that adoption speaks to us all.

2010 has been an incredible year of growth within our adoption constellation. Constellation members are reaching out to each other on adoption blogs and making meaningful connections that are crucial to our understanding of adoption. In her piece Blogging Adoption Livia Montana writes about this resource and gives some great tips to those who are unfamiliar with the adoption blog community.

This past year several reports of adoption disruption and dissolution (most notably the plight of seven-year-old Russian adoptee, Artyom Savelyev, whose adoptive mother sent him back to Russia alone on a plane) have brought a rarely discussed topic to the forefront of the adoption community’s consciousness. In this issue, Dawn Friedman thoughtfully examines the subject in her article The Myth of the Forever Family: When Adoption Falls Apart.

In Laura Willard’s essay Walking the Line, Laura describes the conflicting feelings that arise for her as an adoptive parent who simultaneously loves adoption for the joy it has brought to her life, while loathing it for the loss it has caused her children. In our feature Behind the Scenes, readers can join The Adoption Constellation’s editorial staff as we explore the topic of humor and adoption. Throughout this issue, you will also find the artwork and photography of constellation members Sara Roisen, Troy Folsom, Jeanne Modderman, and Ed Willard.

We have many exciting things planned for this coming year, more thought-provoking and inspiring articles, and new features. Be sure to join our Facebook page for unpublished behind-the-scenes bonus material, and between-issue updates. 2011 is certain to be another fascinating year in the world of adoption and we are excited to experience and share it with you.

Sincerely,

Tara Kim Chief Editorial and Creative Director

How Far We Have Come

4 The Adoption Constellation Winter 2011

multifacets

Conceptualizing the adoption process as a “paper pregnancy” implies that biological reproduction is the only legitimate path to family-making. Its use perpetuates existing barriers to seeing the adoption process, in and of itself, as a valid and legitimate path to building or adding to a family.

Paper Pregnancy

The use of the term “paper pregnancy” trivializes the lived experience of conception, gestation, and birth. It diminishes the adoptee’s actual birth story, and renders birth mothers invisible.

Breastfeeding provides adoptive mothers with the opportunity to bond with their adopted children and helps to foster strong attachment. Infants benefit from immunological, nutritional, physical, and emotional support.

Because breastfeeding adoptive mothers will likely be seen as birth mothers, adoptive breastfeeding erases birth mothers from social consciousness.

“Paper pregnancy” metaphorically explains the progression of adopting a child. This term conveys the often lengthy and emotional process of building a family through adoption. It also helps friends and extended family to recognize the process as a period of waiting, preparation, and celebration.

Breastfeeding your adopted child

Breastfeeding may be uncomfortable for some babies because the adoptive mother is a stranger to them. Since they are pre-verbal and dependent on another for nourishment, adopted babies may experience it as a forced intimacy

Was adopted: Adoption is seen as a one time event and doesn’t necessarily shape an individual’s identity or self-concept.

Adoption Lexicon:Am Adopted or Was Adopted

Am adopted: Adoption is seen as an ongoing component of an individual’s identity and day-to-day life.

Viewpoints from our Adoption Community

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Most everything in the world, no matter how poignant, can be viewed through the lens of humor. However, when it

comes to adoption, there is sometimes an uncomfortable pause before anyone giggles at the punch line. It’s a pause that seems to ask, “Wait, is it okay to laugh about this?” New rules apply, and it’s hard to know what they are, who is making them, and how they’ll be enforced.

Is it okay to laugh about adoption? If it is, does it matter whether the person telling the joke is a first parent, adoptee, adoptive parent, or someone without any adoption connection? For instance, an adoptee might joke with a wink that he looks uncannily like the next door neighbor, but is that joke still funny if told by an adoptive father about his adopted son? And in a time when the media is still using, “You’re adopted!” as a punch line, should the adoption community be encouraging laughter about adoption?

These are some of the questions that we at The Adoption Constellation asked ourselves as we approached the comic No Refund. The beauty of a short comic strip is that, like a painting or sculpture, it is open to many different interpretations regardless of the artist’s original vision. For instance, the title No Refund can be seen as a tongue-in-cheek commentary on adoption dissolution and

disruption. But the title can also be read as a reflection on the paradox of the, at times, exploitative economics of adoption and the lived realities of families built through adoption. Whatever the author’s intent or the reader’s interpretation, the title No Refund is sure to provoke strong reactions. We struggled with whether such a title might offend people to the point that they would not want to engage with this piece at all.

We wondered if the comic would be viewed differently if the title changed or if the illustrations were redrawn. We talked about whether the impact of the comic would change if it were authored by an adoptee, a birth parent or an adoptive parent. We found that we’d shared a common pause when we read the comic, one that problematized the smile tugging at our lips. Wait, was this funny? And if we thought it was, what exactly were the implications of that? If we found it offensive, what did that mean? On the other hand, maybe we all just needed to lighten up.

Our confusion was not surprising given that people have different ideas about humor, just as they have different ideas about art. What is considered funny varies from person to person. In addition, humor serves different purposes in society. While humor has often been utilized to smooth tension, ease communication, and bring people together, it has also historically been

used to keep people in their place and create or enforce separation by stigmatizing those outside of an insider group. Humor also has a trangressive side. It allows us to say things that are not polite. It can give voice to uncomfortable truths and shock us out of complacency. As such, humor has often been used as a tool to transform the status quo.

The intersection of humor and adoption requires that we challenge ourselves and push out of our comfort zones. Humor can break down our assumptions and certainty. All we can do is wonder. And in this state of wonder, we are open to new possibilities.

Thinking critically about adoption means we must listen to different voices and build bridges between divergent perspectives. We look at how joy and sorrow intertwine. And we do not settle for easy answers. Because we know that to do so would close down dialogue. As we’re doing this work, can we also welcome levity to the table? Is there a place set for joking? As Sally Moon Lee invites, can we entertain the possibility that there is something to laugh about?

We commit to listening and sitting through the uncomfortable pauses. We stay with each other through the tears—whether they are tears of grief or of laughter. As The Adoption Constellation sets about the work of building bridges, we invite you to wonder alongside us.

Humor and AdoptionAn Uneasy Balance

behind the scenes