THE ADDAMS FAMILY ABRIDGED

OR

LA CAGE AUX FALSE

A "Broadway Abridged" Script

By Gil Varod

SCENE: THE LUNT-FONTANNE THEATRE, WHERE OVERBLOWN MUSICALS

"THE LITTLE MERMAID" AND "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" CROAKED.

We are treated to an overture that

sounds like Disney orchestrated a

bastardized Addams Familyesque tune and

had them focus-group tested by

tourists.

ORCHESTRA

Dun dun dun dun.

AUDIENCE

Snap! Snap!

ORCHESTRA

Dun dun dun dun.

AUDIENCE

Snap! Snap!

ORCHESTRA

Dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun.

Dun dun dun dun.

AUDIENCE

Snap! Snap!

NATHAN LANE

Good, I hopp you've gutten that "tunefulness" thing out of

yoor seestem.

I'm Nathan Lane as "Nathan Lane as Gomez Addams", and--

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Nathan! Nathan!

NATHAN LANE

Yis, what eez it honeeey?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

It's our Daught--

Is that really the accent you're going to use?

NATHAN LANE

Yiiiiisss.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Fine then.

It's our daughter Wednesday, what are we going to do?

NATHAN LANE

What's happent?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

She watched "The Birdcage" too many time, and wants to act

out the plot!

NATHAN LANE

Baht the plot to that centerrrs arount looooove!

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Which isn't what an Addams Family musical should be about!

Oy vey!

NATHAN LANE

Donttt say Oy Vey pleez.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

It's in the script for some reason.

NATHAN LANE

Ignore it, I doo.

Pirhapps Wednesday's growing ahp and

(stage whispers)

sheee'll be Thurssssday before you knoh it!

BEBE NEUWIRTH

My that's a terrible joke. How did you actually milk that to

be sort of funny?

NATHAN LANE

I whispered the punchline self-defeatingly.

Yoo should tri it.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

(entering)

Oh no these flowers are dead and they should be beautiful

because I fell in love the way a normal person falls in love

and not, say, in the weird demented way that Christina Ricci

fell love in the films.

NATHAN LANE

Goh ahid.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

What's the matter?

(whispered)

You're happy.

(to Nathan)

How was that?

NATHAN LANE

Um... You have a nice cleavage?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

What does that mean?

NATHAN LANE

It means, what a sad, sad waste of Bebe Neuwirth.

SCENE: ENTER HORTON THE ELEPHANT.

KEVIN CHAMBERLIN

I'm once-in-awhile-narrator Uncle Fester, and I can make a

lightbulb light up in my mouth.

(does so)

AUDIENCE

(applauds on cue)

KEVIN CHAMBERLIN

And for some reason I'm also really into the importance of

love and Wednesday falling in love? Sounds like something

the bookwriters threw me into at the last minute because the

audience was having difficulty focusing on the plot.

BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL

BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE

We decided to put aside the television shows and movies and

base the musical on the original comics!

KEVIN CHAMBERLIN

Whatever. The point is--get this excuse for a chorus--

until "LOVE IS SOLVED", this chorus of dead ghosts are doomed

to wander the earth singing Andrew Lippa songs.

CHORUS OF DEAD GHOSTS

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Theeeyyyrreee nnnoootttt

eeevvvveeeennnnn ddddarrrrkkkk iiiinnnnn ttttoooonnne!!!!

DEAD GHOST DRESSED LIKE DON

QUIXOTE TO REMIND YOU THAT

MUSICALS CAN ACTUALLY GET

BETTER THAN THIS

What a sad, sad waste of Kevin Chamberlin!

CUE OBLIGATORY THRILLER

CHOREOGRAPHY AND WE'RE AT...

SCENE: KNOW THAT ONE FAMOUS STRIP WHERE WEDNESDAY IS

TORTURING PUGSLEY ON A RACK? HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED

SOMEBODY TO PORTRAY THAT SCENE THROUGH *SONG*?!?

CUBBY BERNSTEIN

Go ahead, Wednesday, "pull" my limbs on these chains...

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

...while I stop the plot with a specialty song about how

being in love is "pulling" me in a new direction!

SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA

(proudly)

Ha!

CUBBY BERNSTEIN

Wouldn't it be funny if my limbs got pulled and stretched

like silly putty? Ah well.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

(singing)

MOTHER ALWAYS SAID BE KIND TO STRANGERS,

BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW--

Wait, Mother said to be kind to strangers?

Morticia Addams said this? Of the Addams Family?

BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL

BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE

We decided to put aside the television shows and movies and--

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Pretend that Morticia Addams is Donna Reed?

BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL

BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE

--base the musical on the original... uh...

Okay we admit it, we just didn't want to do the research of

watching the old TV series to find out what people actually

*like* about the Addams Family.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

What a sad, sad waste of not-that-fat Cubby Bernstein.

SCENE: NATHAN LANE AND BEBE NEUWIRTH SING A SONG CALLED

"WHERE DID WE GO WRONG".

BEBE NEUWIRTH

(real lyrics)

ARE WE GOOD PARENTS?

NATHAN LANE

(real lyrics)

ARE WE CLICHE?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

WOULD THE ADDAMSES REALLY ASK QUESTIONS LIKE THIS?

NATHAN LANE

DIDN'T I ALREADY SING THIS SONG IN THE PRODUCERS?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

What a sad, sad waste of Musicans Local 802.

SCENE: EVERYBODY PREPARES FOR WEDNESDAY ADDAMS' BOYFRIEND'S

PARENTS TO ARRIVE.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Please everybody, tonight, I just need the Addams Family to

act like a normal, not-strange, not-too-unusual family.

NATHAN LANE

Thas eeee-zee.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Huh?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Because that's what we have been doing all night!

(hands Wednesday the script)

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

(scanning it over)

What a sad, sad waste of trees.

SCENE: WEDNESDAY'S BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY HAS ARRIVED...

...and they are being portrayed by the

German Guy from Rock of Ages, Lucille

from Parade, and the original Broadway

Rum Tum Tugger!

This couldn't *possibly* fail!

CAROLEE CARMELLO

The person I play likes to rhyme,

It's my only characterization all the time.

My poems are always all about love,

Cause that's the theme we're forcing down your throat! ...of!

NATHAN LANE

Who wants to hear jokes about Jews from Florida?

Couldn't... *possibly*...

TERRENCE MANN

(actual line from the musical)

What is this, some kind of theme park?

AUDIENCE

(actual line from the brain)

What is this, some kind of theme park?

STODGY SCENE: THE WOMEN TALK.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Wouldn't it be funny if my dark, depressing outlook on life

scared the crap out of you?

CAROLEE CARMELLO

Yes!

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Well forget that. Who wants to hear jokes about healthcare?

CAROLEE CARMELLO

What a waste of jokes about healtchare.

STODGY SCENE: THE MEN TALK.

NATHAN LANE

I liiik yoo.

TERRENCE MANN

Why?

NATHAN LANE

Beecuz yor Ohio Accent sounds teeeerrible.

TERRENCE MANN

So?

NATHAN LANE

Weeth my Spanish accent, ayy kehn relaytttt.

TERRENCE MANN

THAT ACCENT IS SPANISH?

STODGY SCENE: THE KIDS TALK.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Wouldn't it be funny if Wednesday Addams fell in love, and we

got to see what strange, strange kind of relationship an

Addams family teenager would have?

GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES

Yes!

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

I agree! Oh well.

GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES

Wednesday, we need to tell your parents who just met me that

we have decided to take up the timeworn cliche of running off

and getting married without permission.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

No we can't yes we can no we can't yes we can no we can't.

Yes we can.

GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES

Glad you worked that out. Creating dramatic tension in

musicals is HARD!

CUBBY BERNSTEIN

What will I do?

(sings about this for a bit)

JACKIE HOFFMAN

Holy crap, how are you singing with your mouth closed?

CUBBY BERNSTEIN

I'm singing entirely out of my nose.

JACKIE HOFFMAN

WELL YES WE HEAR THAT.

CUBBY BERNSTEIN

Jackie Hoffman As Grandmama, I was wondering if you had a

potion so my sister won't be in love with the Rock of Ages

guy anymore.

JACKIE HOFFMAN

Yeah, but don't mix it up and accidentally give the potion to

somebody else like in Hamlet.

CUBBY BERNSTEIN

(line written with an

exclamation mark, but only

acted with a period)

I don't understand your references!

JACKIE HOFFMAN

Is it because you're texting all the time?

CUBBY BERNSTEIN

No, because I'm playing Pugsley Addams, and the references

are incongruous to a musical like this.

JACKIE HOFFMAN

What a sad, sad waste of Jackie Hoffman.

THAT'S ME.

Does anybody mind if we skip to the end

of the first act?

Oh good.

SCENE: DINNER.

NATHAN LANE

Andrew Lippa has a leftover tune he wrote from a musical

about circuses, and somehow was permitted to shove it into an

Addams Family musical.

JACKIE HOFFMAN

Wouldn't it be funny if the Addamses served strange foods at

a dinner party that the Ohio-ans were creeped out by?

CAROLEE CARMELLO

Yes it would!

JACKIE HOFFMAN

Ah, dreams and wishes and dreams.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

So here's what happens now: we light the Shabbat candles, we

say the blessing over the Challah, everybody drinks from a

Shabbat wine goblet, then tells a secret.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Let's not do this with guests here please?

NATHAN LANE

But it's a tradition. We as a family have done it every

night at dinner forever. Over 10,000 times now. Me first...

Uh...

I have a weird bunion on my foot. Next!

BEBE NEUWIRTH

The other morning I used some eggs beyond their expir--

NATHAN LANE

No you used that one *last* night.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Oh right. Um... I forgot deodorant today? Next!

JACKIE HOFFMAN

I'm reusing some ad-libs leftover from Xanadu. Next!

CUBBY BERNSTEIN

I put some plot item into the beverage that Carolee Carmello

drank and it didn't actually make a particularly notable

difference in the plot. Next!

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

I'm looking forward to the intermission because we get to go

fifteen minutes without hearing Andrew Lippa songs.

NATHAN LANE

Oooh that's the best one. You win.

SCENE: INTERMISSION.

YOU

Hah. That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be!

ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY

You haven't met me yet.

YOU

So?

ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY

So how far along in the plot of La Cage are we right now?

YOU

We're a mere fifteen minutes away from the end of the

plot of La Cage.

ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY

And how long do we have left in Addams Family?

YOU

About seventy, seventy-five min...

ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY

(grins)

YOU

Touche, Act Two. Touche.

SCENE: BEBE NEUWERTH'S BIG 9:45 NUMBER.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Wouldn't it be funny if I had a song to sing about the wonder

and fantastic-ness that is death?

SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA

It would?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

If David Yazbek or William Finn wrote it it would.

Still, I don't want to sing the number about growing old that

I had in Chicago. Write me something new.

SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA

Here you go.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

(reading over sheet music)

Wow. I'm impressed.

SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA

You like it, Ms. Neuwirth?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Hah. No, I just can't believe that you wrote another song

that has different lyrics, different notes, and yet is

exactly as crappy and forgettable and unfunny as the one we

removed. Not even Nathan Lane could save it.

SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA

But... they say I'm the next Stephen Sondheim.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Let's settle this once and for all, Andrew.

Who is this "they"?

SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA

...people fifteen years ago?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

Yeah, that's right.

SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA

Um... what a sad, sad waste of Andrew Lippa..........?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

No. No Andrew.

SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA

(sulks)

BEBE NEUWIRTH

WILL NO ONE IN THIS SHOW GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO?

SCENE: FESTER SINGS ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH THE MOON.

Fucking A, where the hell did this idea

come from?

Oh. This.

SCENE: THE ADDAMS FAMILY LIVES IN CENTRAL PARK?

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

I'm leaving, Daddy.

NATHAN LANE

What?

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

I love the German Guy from Rock of Ages, and I can't figure

out if he and I are NYU and/or Columbia students or what.

But we're running away, either together or apart or something.

NATHAN LANE

OH RIGHT THAT WAS THE MAIN PLOTLINE! I totally forgot!

The boy now enters, for plot

convenience reasons. They sing

rejected melodies from Wicked.

GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES

Wednesday, how can I prove to you that I love you enough to

run away with you without actually running away?

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Let me shoot an apple off of your head with a crossbow?

GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES

Really? Will that actually tie up whatever's left of this

"loose plotline"?

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Yes. Somehow, yes.

GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES

What a sad, sad waste of prop apples.

SCENE: HAVE WE MENTIONED THE SAD WASTE OF NATHAN LANE YET?

BY THE WAY WHERE IS HIS ONE-MAN SHOW ALREADY?

NATHAN LANE

Bebe Neuwirth, would a tango cheer you up?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

No. Only one thing would cheer me up.

NATHAN LANE

I can't invent a time machine to go back and unsign our

Addams Family The Musical contracts.

BEBE NEUWIRTH

(sighs loudly)

Then it is hopeless.

SCENE: NATHAN LANE, JACKIE HOFFMAN, AND KEVIN CHAMBERLIN

NOW HAVE TO SING A SONG ABOUT LOVE, IN AN ADDAMS FAMILY

MUSICAL THAT YOU HAVE TO WATCH.

JACKIE HOFFMAN

(making more damn pop-culture references

instead of, oh maybe ADDAMS FAMILY JOKES?)

Did you know that in 1969 at Woodstock, I gave John Lennon

the idea for "All You Need Is Love"?

NATHAN LANE

I have a copy of the Wikipedia article right here and it says

the song was broadcast in June of 1967.

JACKIE HOFFMAN

Oh... uh... look, it's the original Broadway Javert singing a

song about squid rape that somehow managed to not be funny!

(runs off)

SCENE: THE ENDING.

CAROLEE CARMELLO

Ah, now we're in love more somehow!

TERRENCE MANN

Because of me being raped by a squid! Obviously that's the

reason!

BEBE NEUWIRTH

(massaging Nathan Lane's back)

Also we are in love.

NATHAN LANE

Thank you, Bebe. Shows can be heavy!

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Also we're in love.

GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES

Yep. In love.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Yep....

Boring, boring silence.

NATHAN LANE

That reminds me. Has anybody heard of the term "Silent Bob

moment"?

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

What's that?

NATHAN LANE

It's where the character who doesn't speak finally speaks at

the end of the dramatic work, and his line is funny. Wanna

try that, Lurch?

LURCH

(sings lines in a key too low

for lyrics to be understood

or laughed at)

NATHAN LANE

Well, I guess we can actually learn something from Young

Frankenstein The Musical!

BEBE NEUWIRTH

What a sad waste of Zachary James.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

...?

BEBE NEUWIRTH

He plays Lurch.

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD

Got it.

NATHAN LANE

Also a sad waste of a Silent Bob moment!

GHOSTS

Fester, can we go back to our graves now?

KEVIN CHAMBERLIN

Oh right, you guys. Why did we hire a chorus?

GHOSTS

(shrug)

NATHAN LANE

Fester are you going to close the show?

KEVIN CHAMBERLIN

Right right right, I'm the narrator. And so, everybody lived

unhappily ever after.

TERRENCE MANN

Because it's an Addams Family musical?

KEVIN CHAMBERLIN

No, because now that this happened, the rights to write an

Addams Family Musical will never become available.

ENTIRE CAST

(singing)

WHICH MEANS NOBODY WILL EVER WRITE

A GOOD ADDAMS FAMILY MUSICAL

EVER!

Screech.

NATHAN LANE

My god, what was that sound?

SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA

Sorry. Must've been a song I wrote.

BLACKOUT.