The5MoneyPersonalities™

The5MoneyPersonalities™

SpeakingtheSameLoveandMoneyLanguage

Scott&BethanyPalmerTHEMONEYCOUPLE®

©2013ScottandBethanyPalmerAllrightsreserved.Noportionofthisbookmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans—electronic,mechanical,photocopy,recording,scanning,orother—exceptforbriefquotationsincriticalreviewsorarticles,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.

PublishedinNashville,Tennessee,byThomasNelson.ThomasNelsonisaregisteredtrademarkofThomasNelson,Inc.

ThomasNelson,Inc.titlesmaybepurchasedinbulkforeducational,business,fund-raising,orsalespromotionaluse.Forinformation,pleasee-mailSpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com.

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataPalmer,Scott,1971–The5moneypersonalities:speakingthesameloveandmoneylanguage/Scott

andBethanyPalmer.

p.cm.ISBN978-0-8499-6478-7(tradepaper)1.Couples—Finance,Personal.2.Finance,Personal.3.Financialsecurity.4.Finance,Personal—Religiousaspects—Christianity.I.Palmer,Bethany,1965–II.Title.III.Title:Fivemoneypersonalities.HG179.P18872013332.0240086'56—dc23

2012040164

PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica1314151617QG54321

Tooursons,ColeandCade:Weloveyouboth.

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction:HowNinetyDaysCanChangeYourLife

Part1:It’sAllAbouttheMoneyPersonalities

Chapter1:WhenLoveandMoneyCollide

Chapter2:YourMoneyRelationship

Chapter3:GettingtoKnowMe:TheFiveMoneyPersonalities

Chapter4:TheOppositeDynamic

Chapter5:TheBigReveal:TheFiveMoneyPersonalitiesTogether

Chapter6:OppositesAttract

Part2:TheHeartoftheMatter

Chapter7:YourMoneyorYourWife

Chapter8:TheRootsofFinancialInfidelity

Chapter9:TheMoneyDump

Chapter10:TheMoneyHuddle

Chapter11:BeginwiththeE.N.D.

Part3:ReclaimingYourMarriage

Chapter12:WhyWeFight

Chapter13:HowtoFightFair

Conclusion:AMillionDreams

Appendix:The5MoneyPersonalitiesSurvivalGuide

W

Acknowledgments

earesothankfulfortheamazingpeopleGodhasputintoourlivestomakethisnewestbookareality!Thankyoutothebestsonsparentscouldeveraskfor,ColeandCade.Yourflexibility,encouragement,andabilitytojumponaplaneatanytimetospreadourmessageofhopeareagifttous.Thank you to both of our parents, who have done nothing but support us.

Thankyou,too,foryourexamplesofhardworkandlong,strongmarriages.DanMerrellandJohnThompsonfromPropellerhavebeenahugeblessing.

Their input with the brand and direction of The Money Couple has beeninvaluable. You guys are amazing to work with, and we would not be herewithoutyourguidance.ThankyoutoMattBaugherandtheamazingteamatThomasNelson.Thank

youforbelievinginourmessageandourpassionformakingmarriagesbetter.CarlaBarnhillcontinuesnotonly tobeagreat friend,butalsoherability to

writeandshapeourmessagehasbeensuchagreatblessingover thepast fiveyears.We are also so thankful to the couples who have opened up their Money

Relationshipstous.Theyhaveletusguide,direct,andlearnfromthem.NewLifeChurch inColoradoSprings has been an incredible support to us

alongthisjourney.Thankyou,PastorBradyBoyd,foryourfriendshipandfaithinus.Our goal is to change relationships for the better and make marriages

awesome.PraisebetoGodforallthatHecanaccomplish!

I

INTRODUCTION

HowNinetyDaysCanChangeYourLife

have always been an athlete. Scott?Not somuch. So early in ourmarriage,whenScottcamehomeonedayandtoldmehewasgoingtorunamarathon,Itriedreallyhardnottolaughoutloud.Scotthadneverrunamile,muchless26.2of them.As I sat there insilent shock,heexplained thathe’d founda trainingprogramonlinethatwouldhavehimtrainedandreadyinninetydays.Iwasstillconvincedtherewasnowayhecoulddothis.Thatspring,ScottrantheLosAngelesMarathon.Sometimeshestillwearshis

medal around the house.Scott’s determination showedme that it’s possible tomakemajorchangesinyourlifeinjustninetydays.Thensomethingelsehappenedinourlivesthatconvincedusamazingthings

can happen in just ninety days. In 2008, Iwas diagnosedwith Stage 3 breastcancer.Ihadgoneinforaroutinemammogramanddidn’tthinktwiceaboutit.Aboutaweeklater,wewereonvacationandIgotamessagetocallmydoctor.Icalled her back and she said, “Are you sitting down?”That’s neverwhat youwanttohearfromyourdoctor.That’swhenshetoldmeIhadbreastcancer.We let the news sink in as best we could. Becausewe didn’t know all the

detailsofmydiagnosis,wedecidednottotellourboysaboutthecancerjustyet.We decided to finish out our vacation and deal with this life-changing newswhenwegothome.Wemetwiththeoncologist,andI triednot tolosemymindwiththeworry,

thefear,andthequestionsthatracedaroundinmyhead.Mytreatmentpathwasclear—I’dtakeamedicationthatwasdevelopedtofightthekindofcancerIhadand then go through chemotherapy. We prepared ourselves for the long road

aheadandallthatitwouldinvolve.Chemodoesanumberonyourbody.Itkillseverythingbad—thecancer—but

it alsokills everythinggood.And in someways, chemokilledoffnot just thecancerbutalsomyspirit.Iwasaslowasapersoncanget.ButthenIstartedtoseealittlebitoflightattheendofthetunnel.Ihadninety

daysofchemoaheadofme.Ithought,IfIcanjustget throughthenextninetydays,Icanbeatthis.Andwiththehelpandsupportfrommywonderfulfamily,friends,andScott,andthestrengthIfoundinGod,Igotbetter.Ourfriendsandfamilycarriedusduringthoseninetydays,andwemadeitthroughtheroughesttimeinourmarriage.Thoseninetydayschangedourlives.Andyourlifecanchangeinninetydays

too. As you work through this book, you will see a transformation in yourrelationship.Afterninetydaysofdoingsomething,itbecomesmorethanahabit;it becomes a lifestyle.Webelieveyou can take amarriage that’s struggling, arelationship that’s riddled with financial infidelity and mistrust, and turn itaround.Webelieveyoucanadoptalifestylewhereargumentsaboutmoneyareathingof thepast,a lifestylewhereyoumakedecisionsoutofmutual loveandrespect.WhenScottwasrunninghismarathon,hegottomile24andjuststopped.He

wasmentallyandemotionallyspent.Suddenlyamancamerunningupalongsidehimandtookhimbythearm.Thisman,atotalstranger,startedtalkingtoScott,askinghimquestionsabouthislife,andtellingScottabouthimself.Beforetheyknewit,they’dreachedthefinishline.ThejourneytowardastrongMoneyRelationshipcanfeellikealonghaul,but

ifyouarecommittedtolinkingarmsandfinishingthisjourneytogether,youcanmake it happen. By picking up this book, you have made the decision tostrengthen your relationship and dream about the future. It won’t happenovernight,and itwon’thappenwithoutbothofyoudecidingyouwant to startfreshandbuildagreat life together.But itcanhappen.We’veseenitoverandoveragain.Youcanmakeithappen!

FormoreinformationanddetailsaboutBethany’sjourney,gotoTheMoneyCouple.com.

TheBigPictureBefore you jump in,wewant to be clear about something: this book is not aguide tomanaging yourmoney.Youwon’t find tricks for creating a balancedbudgetor tipsonsavingmoney.Wearen’tgoing to teachyouhow to find thebestinvestmentsorhowtoreduceyourmortgage.Thereareplentyofbooksouttherethatdoallofthatandmore.Thisbookisaboutyouandyourmarriage.It’saboutthewayyourmoneyand

your relationship combine to create aMoney Relationship. That’s right—youand your spouse have aMoneyRelationship, just like you have an emotionalrelationship,aspiritualrelationship,andaphysicalrelationship.Everycouplerecognizesthosetimeswhentheyareemotionallyoutofsync—

oneofyouisupsetandtheotherpersoncan’tunderstandwhy.Manyofusknowhowit feels tobeatadifferentplace thanourspouseswhen itcomes to faith.Andwhat couple hasn’t had those nightswhenoneof you is in themood forsomelovin’andtheotherjustwantstofallasleep?Your Money Relationship is no different. When you and your spouse are

makingfinancialdecisions—thebigonesandthelittleones—therewillbetimeswhenyoutotallygeteachother,whenyoumakeaplantospendorsaveorinvestandyouheaddownthatfinancialroadtogether.Butifyou’relikenearlyeverycouplewe’veevermet, thereareother timeswhenyour loveandyourmoneyturnintoatoxicmess.Youcan’tagreeonaplanoryoucan’tsticktotheplansyou’vemadeoryoujustcan’tunderstandwhyyourspousedoesn’tseethingsthewayyoudo.Likeeveryotheraspectofyourrelationship, themoneypiececaneitherhelpyougrowcloserorpullyouapart.Webelievethatwhencoupleshavetherighttoolsandarecommittedtousing

them, they can make their love and their money work together to create athrivingMoneyRelationshipandanintimate,solidmarriage.

WhyYourMoneyRelationshipMattersWehavemorethanthirty-eightyearsoffinancialplanningexperiencebetweenus.We’veworkedwiththousandsofcouplestohelpthemputtogetherbudgetsandretirementplans.Foralongtime,wethoughtallacoupleneededforasolidfinancialfuturewasaclearbudgetandhealthysavingsaccount.Butweweresovery,verywrong.We started to see couples we’d worked with, couples we’d helped create

beautifulbudgetplansthatshouldhavesentthemintoaglorious,happyfuture,comebackintoourofficeonthevergeofdivorce.Alloftheperfectplanswe’dbuilt with themweren’t enough to inoculate them against miscommunication,resentment,andissueslikehiddencreditcardsandsecretspending.Clearly,somethingelsewasgoingonwiththesecouples,somethingeventhe

bestplanscouldn’tfix.Wejustcouldn’tfigureoutwhatitwas.Thenwereadastatisticthatscaredus.Weallknowthatthere’sa50percentdivorcerateintheUnitedStates, a rate that isnotall thatdifferentamongChristiancouples.Buthere’s what we didn’t know. Of those divorced couples, nearly 70 percent ofthemsaytheirbreak-upwasdueinlargeparttomoneyproblems.That number lit a fire in us. If money was at the root of so many broken

marriages,andifweknewathingortwoaboutmoney,thenitseemedthatwehad a responsibility to use our expertise to help put a dent in this staggeringdivorce rate. That’swhywe’ve spent the last eight years figuring outwhat ittakes for couples to stop fighting about money and start working together tobuildthelifetheyalwaysdreamedof.Andwethinkwe’vecrackedthecode.Itboilsdowntothis:youandyourspousehaveaMoneyRelationship.It’sat

thecoreof thewayyoumakedecisionsaboutmoney.UnderstandinghowthatMoneyRelationshipworksisessentialtoathriving,healthymarriage.Andthat’swhatthisbookisabout.

TheMaritalMixRecognizing that every couple has aMoneyRelationship that ripples throughtheirentiremarriagewasahugestepinoureffortstohelpcouples.Themoreweduginto this idea, themoreweknewitwassomethingfarmorecomplex thanwefirstthought.At the center of everyMoney Relationship are two people—two different,

uniqueindividualswithdifferent,uniqueideasandfeelingsaboutmoney.Ifyouandyour spouse felt the samewayabout sex, you’dnever argue about sex. Ifyou felt the samewayabouthow todisciplineyourkidsorhowoften tovisityour parents or how important it is to talk throughyour feelings, you’dneverhave any conflict.But youdon’t feel the sameway about these things.That’sbecauseyouaren’tthesameperson.AndthankGodforthat!Butwhen it comes to aMoneyRelationship, couples seem to assume they

oughttoseethingsexactlythesamewayallthetime,andwhentheydon’t...well,theywonderwhytheirspouseissuchanidiotaboutmoney.Buthere’sthething:everypersonhasauniquewayofthinkingaboutanddealingwithmoney—we call this a Money Personality. As we’ve worked with couples, we’vediscoveredtherearefiveMoneyPersonalities.Whentwopeoplestartbuildingalifetogether,it’sonlyamatteroftimebeforetheirMoneyPersonalitiesstarttoplayintothedecisionstheymake—everythingfromwheretoeatdinnertowhatkindofshoestobuytowhatkindofweddingtohave.Discovering your Money Personalities—something you’re going to do in

chapter3—willbea revelation inyourmarriage. Itwilluncoverapartofyouthatyoulikelyneverreallythoughtaboutbefore.You’llstarttounderstandthatyouthinkaboutanddealwithmoneyinaveryparticularway,awaythatmightbe nothing like the particular way your spouse thinks about and deals withmoney.It’sgoingtobeoneofthoseahamoments.You’llhaveanotherof thosemomentswhenyouandyourspousetalkabout

theways inwhichyourMoneyPersonalitiescomplementeachotherandclashwitheachother—that’schapter4.Thatongoing“conversation”abouthowmuchyouspendonshoes?Nowyoucangettotherootofyourdifferentideasabouthow much is too much. Your spouse’s reluctance to buy you something forValentine’sDay?Youmightfindoutthere’smoretoitthanyourspousebeingajerk.Sometimes the combination of different Money Personalities can create

serious tension and conflict.Butwhen couples know and respect each other’sMoneyPersonalities,theresultscanbebeautiful.Ifyou’rewillingtostickwithus,we’regoingtohelpyouuncoverthatbeautyinyourmarriage.Godcreatedeachoneofuswithverydistinctpersonalities.Thatbeautifuluniquenessispartof ourDNAand affects everythingwedo. It’s crucial thatweunderstand thatthis also includes our approach to money. We believe that this God-givenuniqueness is something to be celebrated but also something to beacknowledged,nurtured,anddevelopedintandemwithourspouses.

MakeItHappenWehaveasayingthatyou’llfindthroughoutthisbook:“MakeItHappen.”Webelieve most couples want a relationship that works. They just need help tobreak out of old patterns and ways of dealing with money issues. Make ItHappenisourwayoftellingyouwebelieveyouhavewhatittakestochangethecourse of yourMoney Relationship.We’ve got the tools to help you, but themotivation will come from you. And we know that if you’re serious aboutmaking a change, if you are willing to commit to taking an honest look atyourselfandyourMoneyRelationship,youcanmakeyourMoneyRelationshipsomethingtobeproudof.We’veseencountlesscouplesrecoverfromyearsofconflict, secrecy, even separation, and rebuild a marriage that’s worthcelebrating.Iftheycandoit,youcantoo.To make the most out of the tools in this book, we suggest you read it

together. You’ll be finding out how you deal withmoney as a person—that’syourMoneyPersonality.You’llbediscoveringpotentialareasofmoneyconflictin your marriage—we call it the Opposite Dynamic. And you’ll be gaininginvaluable insightonhowto turn thoseconflicts intocooperation—we’ll teachyoutoFightFair.Allofthiswillbefarmoreeffectiveifbothofyouarereadingalongandmakingthesediscoveriestogether.Wealsosuggesttakingitslowly.Thereisalotofinformationinthebookand

wewantyoutoreallygeteachideabeforeyoumoveon.Sodon’trushthis.Theintention is that this bookwill take you twelveweeks (or ninety days) to getthrough,sowerecommendreadingachapterortwoaweekandlettingtheideassettleabitbeforeyoumoveon.Talk toeachotheraboutwhatyou’re reading.Seewhatyourspouseisthinkingastheseideasstarttotakehold.Attheendofeachchapter,you’llfindasimpleexercisetohelpyouintegratetheconceptsintoyourmarriage. They’re quick and easy, but they’re essential to putting all thepiecesofthebooktogether.TheyareawaytoMakeItHappen.We alsowant you to do something else.Before you read anotherword,we

want tomake sure you’re in this for real.Wewant you tomake a promise toeachotherthatyouarereadytochangethewayyouthinkaboutanddealwithmoneyasacouple.Thisisalifestylechange,notashorttermplanoraone-shotdeal.Likeadietplanor exerciseplan, these ideas aren’t going to stickunlessyou decide you are donewith the habits that got you to this point. You’ll beworking on a new way of relating to each other so that you can protect and

preserveyourrelationship.We’regoingtobeaskingyoutotakeanhonestlookatyourselvesandtomake

somesignificantchangesforthesakeofyourrelationship.Whenitfeelsliketoomuch, when you’re ready to give up, come back to this promise and remindyourselves that there’s nowhere to go but forward. Remember, it takes onlyninetydaystochangeyourmarriageforthebetter.If you’re committed to doing whatever it takes to discover your Money

PersonalitiesandbuildahealthyMoneyRelationship,signhere:

Bysigningmyname,IpromisemyspouseIwillworkonourMoneyRelationship.Iwillbehonest,Iwillbecommitted,andIwilldomybesttounderstandmyspouseandrespectthedifferencesinourMoney

Personalities.Together,wecanmakeachange.

____________________________________________

MakeItHappen!

TheMoneyCouple

ScottandBethanyPalmer

PART1

It’sAllAbouttheMoneyPersonalities

I

1WhenLoveandMoneyCollide

tallstartswiththevows:forricherorpoorer.Westandupatourweddingsandrecite thosevows fully expecting thatwewill happily standby eachother, nomatterwhat.Wehavebigdreamsabout the lifewe’restartingwith thispersonwelovesomuch.Everymarriage startswithbighopesanddreams.Youwalkdown that aisle

celebrating all the beautiful ways you connect as a couple, all those littlemomentsofexcitementandjoyandintimacyandfunandloveandgoodnessthathavebeenthebuildingblocksofyourrelationship.Andforawhile,thosehopesand dreams and joys are enough to carry you through the adjustments ofmarriage.Andthenlifehappens.Itdoesn’tmatterifthingsgoalongjustasyouplanned

orifyourplansgetderailedearlyon.Thebottomlineisthatlife,nomatterhowgreatitis,pushesalotofourhopesanddreamstotheside.Youhavejobs.Youhavekids.Youbuyahouse.Youloseahouse.Yourparentsgetolder.Youfindyourselves stressedout by thepresent andworried about the future.Andovertime,throughnofaultofyourown,thosedreamsyouhadforyourlifetogethergetputonthebackburnerand,onebyone,theystarttodryupanddisappear.The dream to buy a house? Can’t afford it. The dream of going back to

school?Notwithababyontheway.ThedreamofbackpackingthroughEurope?Can’t get time off. The dream of retiring at the beach? Not after the markettanked.Whetheryourdreamsarebigorsmall,theytendtofadeastheyearsgoby.Ellen and Jack are a perfect example. When they got married, Ellen was

workingherway towardapartnershipatasmall lawfirm.Jackwasagraphicdesignerandhaddreamsofstartinghisowndesignbusiness.Rightaway, theystartedsavingsoJackwouldhavesomestart-upcapitalwhenthetimecametoset out on his own. They had a five-year plan and a common goal. But after

they’dbeenmarriedfor twoyears,Ellenwasdiagnosedwithachronic illness.Herdoctorrecommendedshecutbackherhoursatworkand try toreduce thestressors inher life.While theyhadgoodhealth insurancethroughEllen’s job,theystillhadnewexpensestodealwiththatputadentintheirsavings.AndthatmeantJack’sdreamwouldhavetowaitabitlonger.As Ellen’s illness became more manageable, the job market became less

stable.ItnolongerseemedlikeagoodideaforJacktoventureoutonhisown,especially when he knew plenty of designers who would do anything for aregularjobliketheonehewantedtoleave.Sotheywaitedalittlelonger.Youcanseehowthiswillplayout,right?Prettysoonfiveyearshavepassed.

And then they have kids, and then ten years have gone by and the kids needbracesortheywanttobuyabiggerhouseorJack’smomdiesandhisdadmovesinwiththem.Afterawhile,thedreamsofthoseearlydaysjustdieoff.NowJackandEllenwouldbethefirsttotellyouthattheyhaveagreatlife,

thatthey’vemadechoicestheyfeelgoodabout,andthattheyareblessedbeyondmeasure.Buttheyalsoadmitthattheymissdreamingaboutthefuturetogether.Ellen says, “Whenwe gotmarried, I remember talking about how fantastic itwould be for Jack to have his own company and reallymake hismark in thedesignworld.Hiseyeswouldlightupwhenwetalkedaboutit.Nowmostofourconversationsarelikebusinessmeetings—who’sdoingwhatandwhen.Iknowhewouldn’ttradeourlifenowforanything,butI’dsureliketoseethatlookinhiseyesagain.”There’s something life-giving about dreaming together as a couple. It’s a

reminderthatyouarestrongertogetherthanyouareapart.It’sawayofsayingtoyourspouse,“Ilookforwardtothefuturewithyou.”Ifyou’ve lost trackof thedreamsyouused tohave,webelieveyoucanget

themback.Webelieveyoucanreclaimthelifeyouenvisioned,onedreamatatime.

TheMoneyPartThere’s a reason we take vows to stick together for richer or poorer. Moneyripplesintoeverypartofourlivesascouples.That’swhy,whetheryouhaveitoryoudon’t,moneycantestarelationship.Ifyouthinkaboutthedreamsyouhadwhen you gotmarried,most of themhave some kind ofmoney component—buyingahouse,havingchildren,gettingajob,movingtoanewcity,traveling,

spending time with friends. Money doesn’t equal happiness, but money doesplay a part in whether our dreams turn into reality. And when money getsbetween us and our dreams, we get very unhappy and look for someone toblame.Andguesswho’ssittingrightthere?Yep,ourspouses.Wemeetwithallkindsofcouples.Andthere’salookweseethatshowsupin

coupleswhohavelosttheirdreamsforwhattheirmarriagecouldbe.Itdoesn’tmatterifthey’rerichorpoor.Itdoesn’tmatterifthey’vebeenmarriedforfortyyearsorfourmonths.Itdoesn’tmatteriftheyargueconstantlyaboutmoneyoriftheynevertalkaboutmoney.Theysitinourofficeandbarelytalktoeachother,barelylookateachother.Whentheydospeak,theirwordsarefilledwithblameand resentment and anger.And it’s all because life hasn’t turned out thewaythey’dhopeditwould.Theycome tousbecause theybelieve thathavingabetterbudgetwillhelp.

Theyhopethatiftheyinvestsomemoneyinjusttherightways,theycanhavethatretirementhousetheydreamedof.Buttheirbudgetisn’treallytheissue.Wecan hand them a budget that’s airtight, but if they don’t know how tocommunicatewitheachother,iftheydon’tknowhowtoworktogetherastheylivewithin that budget, then it doesn’tmatter how nice their plans are. Theirrelationshipwillsink.Most couples have no idea how to talk to each other about the money

componentofadecision.Theydon’tknowhowtocompromiseorlistentoeachother or make plans that meet both of their needs. Instead, they fight. Theyblameeachother.They resent eachother andhurt eachother andhidemoneyfromeachother.Andthentheydivorceeachother.

RevivingYourDreamsItdoesn’thave tobe thatway.Here’s the thing:everydecisionyoumakeasacoupleinvolvesmoney.Every.Single.One.Moneyfactorsintoeverythingfromthe kind of house you live in towhere you go on vacation, from the kind ofshampooyouusetothekindofbreadyoueat.Itdoesn’tmatterifwe’retalkingabouta$5cupofcoffeeora$50,000car—moneyispartofeverypieceofourlives.That’swhycoupleswhodisagreeaboutmoneywilldisagreeabouteverything.That combination of love and money is what makes up your Money

Relationship.Just likeyourphysicalrelationshipisaboutmuchmorethansex,

and your emotional relationship is about far more than your feelings, yourMoneyRelationshipinvolvesawholelotmorethanyourmoney.It’sabouthowand why you connect—or don’t—when you make decisions where money isinvolved.It’sthedeepersetofassumptionsandbeliefsyoubringtoyourmoneydecisions.We created this book to help couples stop fighting aboutmoney and repair

their Money Relationship, regardless of their financial situation. We want tochangethewayyoucommunicateaboutmoney.Wewanttogiveyoupractical,efficient, easy-to-remember, easy-to-apply tools to help you build a strongerMoney Relationship. But more than anything else, we want to rekindle yourpassionforthefuture—andforeachother.Whenyoustarteddating,youcouldn’thelpbutdreamtogether.Youwereso

excitedtolearnabouteachother,todiscoveryoursweetheart’sfavoritefoodormost embarrassing moment. You wanted nothing more than to know andunderstandeachother.Youcouldtalkforhours,dreamingofthelifeyou’dbuildtogether.This is theday to startdreamingagain.Webelieve thateverycouplecanrecoverthelove,intimacy,anddreamstheyhadwhentheyfirstfellinlove.

MAKEITHAPPEN

Recapturethatdesiretodiscovernewthingsaboutyourspouse.Taketurnstellingeachotheronethingtheotherpersonmightnotknowaboutyou,evenafteryearsofbeingtogether.

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2YourMoneyRelationship

e’regoingtostartbyreallydiggingintothisideaofaMoneyRelationship.It’skindofironicthatmostofthecouplesweworkwithhavenoideatheyhaveaMoney Relationship, even though they have come to us to talk about theirmoneyandhow it’s affecting their relationship. It justdoesn’toccur topeoplethatthewaytheydealwithmoneyasindividualswillplayintothewaytheydealwithmoneyasacouple.Instead,couplestendtothinkthatiftheyjustgetareallygreatfinancialplan

inplace,they’llstoparguingaboutmoney.Theythinkthatiftheycanstickwitha budget or get enoughput away for retirement or start building their savingsthat their money problems will be over. But they’re wrong. They can fix thebudget,stockupforretirement,evenloadupthesavingsaccountandstillhavealousyMoneyRelationship.Andwhatgoodisthebudgetifyoucan’tstandeachother? What good is that retirement fund or that savings account if yourrelationshipisamess?

WhatIt’sNotYourMoneyRelationshiphasnothingtodowithyourbudget.Ithasnothingtodowithyoursavings.Ithasnothingtodowithhowmuchdebtyouhaveorhowmuch you spend everymonth. That’s your financial arrangement—your debt,retirement,taxes,insurance,investing,estateplanning,andsoon.YourMoneyRelationshipisaboutthedailydecisionsyoumakeasacouplein

whichmoneyisinvolved.(Weevenputitinitalicstoshowyouhowimportantitis!)Beforewemoveon,wewantyoutoreallyunderstandthedifferencebetween

your finances and yourMoney Relationship. Your financial plans, your debt,

your investments, your taxes, your budget—that’s one aspect of your lifetogether. And that’s not what this book is about. We want to focus on therelationshipbehind that part of your life, yourMoneyRelationship.That’s thepartofyourmarriagethatinvolvesallofthoselittleday-to-daydecisionsaboutmoney.Here’swhatwemean: JonellandKaihavebeenmarried for fourteenyears.

Theymake a fairlygood living;he’s an accountant at ahospital and shedoesfund-raising forasmallnonprofitorganization.Theyhaveowned theirmodesthouseforeightyears.Theyhaveabitofstudentloandebtlefttopayoffandonecarpayment.Theytendtousecreditcardstopayfornearlyeverything,buttheypayofftheircardsalmosteverymonth.Kaihasa401(k)throughwork,buttheyhaven’tthoughtallthatmuchabouttheirretirementfunds.Theirmainfinancialgoal right now is to put aside a decent amount of money to help their twochildrenpayforcollege.We’vegivenyouaprettygoodpictureofKaiandJonell’sfinancialsituation.

Youknowtheyhavesomedebt,somesavingsgoals,somemoneyinaretirementfund. You have the basics on their financial life. But those details tell younothingabouttheirMoneyRelationship.When it comes to theirMoneyRelationship,Kai and Jonell have some real

challenges. Kai, the accountant, is obviously good at balancing a budget andfiguringoutwheretosaveandwheretospend.Sohehandlesallofthefinancesintheirmarriage.Jonell,despitebeinginafinance-orientedfieldherself,isn’tallthatinterestedinhowmuchtheybringineachmonthorhowmuchtheypayouteachmonth. She knows Kai has it taken care of and she doesn’t think twiceaboutit.ButKaiworriesabout theirmoneyconstantly.Everyevening,he looksover

their online credit card account to see howmuch they spent that day.He liesawake,silentlycalculatingwheretheycancutbacktomakesuretheypayoffthebill thatmonth.Thoseraremonthswhen theyhave tosettle foraminimumorpartialpaymentfeellikeafailuretohim.IfJonellbuysanewoutfitforafund-raisingevent,Kaimentallycancelshis

planstotakeheroutforanicedinnerlaterthatweekandquietlyresentsJonellforpushingtheirmonthlybudget to its limits.Heworries that theywon’thaveenoughfortheirretirement,muchlessenoughtohelpthekidswithcollege.He’sconsideredtalkingtoJonellabouthisconcerns,butheknowsshegetsdefensivewhentheytalkaboutmoney.Sohekeepshisworrytohimself.Whiletheirfinancialpictureisperfectlyhealthy,theirMoneyRelationshipis

anythingbut.He’sawreck,she’sclueless,andneitherofthemhasanyideathatthisisacrisisinthemaking.Itwon’tbelongbeforeKaieitherexplodesatJonellforherspendingordevelopsanulcerfromworryingaboutit.AndJonelldoesn’tget a freepasshere.Herwillingness towashherhandsof the family financesisn’tasignoftrust;it’sasignofdisrespectforKai.Whyshouldhebearthefullweightofdecisionsthathaveanimpactonthewholefamily?Mostcoupleshavenoideathatthere’sadifferencebetweentheirfinancesand

theirMoneyRelationship.SowhentheytrytosolvefinancialproblemsthatarereallytheresultofatroubledMoneyRelationship,theyendupfrustrated.Unlesscouples get to the root of the problem—the challenges in their MoneyRelationship—theyjustcan’tmoveforward.Weworkedwithacouplewhohadbeenmarriedformorethanfortyyearsand

hadbeenclientswithour financialplanningcompany formostof thoseyears.One afternoon, they came in for an appointment and announced they weregettingadivorce.All their financial plans were in place and had been for a long time. But

behind those perfect plans were resentment and hurt feelings andmisunderstanding.Theproblemwasthattheyneverunderstoodthattheythoughtaboutmoneyinverydifferentways.Soeverydecisiontheymadeinthoseforty-plusyearsjustaddedanotherstrawofresentmenttotheproverbialcamel’sback.Theirplansweresolidbuttheirrelationshiphadfallenapart.Theyhadplentyofmoneyand they’dmanaged it fairlywell.Theproblem?

Shethoughttheyneededmoremoneyintheirretirementaccountsandhedidn’t.She’d been anxious about their future for years and had nagged him aboutputtingmoreaway.Buthe thought they’dbe fineandhadstopped listening toherconcernsalongtimeago.Theclosertheygottoretirement,themoreanxiousshebecameuntilshecouldn’ttakeitanymoreandshebailed.On the surface, their impending divorce was the result of poor financial

planning.Butitwasn’ttheirassetsthatweretheproblem.Itwastheirtotallackof communication. We’ve never seen a couple break up over their 401(k)performance.We’veneverseenacouplegetdivorcedbecausetheydidn’thaveenough life insurance or because their estate planning wasn’t complete orbecausetheydidn’tpayofftheirstudentloansinlessthanfiveyears.Whatkillsrelationshipsismiscommunicationandmisunderstanding.That’sespeciallytruewhenitcomestomoneybecause,aswe’vesaid,ithasanimpactoneveryaspectoflife.Weoftenaskcouplestotellusaboutthelastmoneydecisiontheymade.Most

ofthemcomeupwithsomeinvestmentorasavingsplanorabigpurchase.Butwhenweask themto thinksmaller, theystart tosee that theyaredealingwithmoneyalmostfromthemomenttheywakeup.Thinkabout it.Doyou takea longshoweroramoneysavingshort shower?

Coffeeathomeorafancycoffeefromtheplaceonyourwaytowork?Genericcerealorthenamebrandstuff?Drivetoworkortakepublictransportation?Baglunchorouttoeat?Squeezeinsomeovertimeorgobackhometothefamily?Ifyouandyourspousehavefundamentaldisagreementsaboutmoney—how

much to spend,howmuch to save,howmuch risk is toomuch—theneachofthoselittle,seeminglyinnocentdecisionsabouthotwaterandcoffeeandluncharefraughtwithmeaning.Takealongshowerwhenyourspouseistryingtocutback on the utilities and you’ve just created a problem.Grab breakfast at thefastfoodjointwhenyou’veagreedtoaneat-at-homebudgetandyou’vestirredthehornet’snest.Becausemoneytricklesdowntojustabouteverydecisionwemakeduringthe

day, it’s not surprising that couples clash overmoney. It’s like a constant popquiz,oneyou’reboundtofailunlessyouandyourspousehaveastrongMoneyRelationship.

BreakingtheCycleWhatwe see over and over again is coupleswho are caught up in a cycle ofassumptions, misunderstanding, and blame. It doesn’t matter if they have ahealthy bank account or are deep in debt. Because money isn’t the problem.TheirMoneyRelationshipistheproblem.It tookusyears tosee this,notonly inourmarriage,but inourwork.We’d

been in the financial planning business for a decade before we realized thatsomething wasn’t working. We’d meet with couples, put together airtightfinancial plans for them, and still see them fighting, stressing out, and evendivorcingbecauseoftheirfinancialissues.Andwedidn’tgetit.Wethoughtthatoncewegavethemaplan,theirconflictwouldgoaway.Butitdidn’t.That’s when we realized there was something else going on. It wasn’t the

moneyitselfthatcreatedtheseissues.Itwasthatcoupleshadnoideahowtotalkaboutmoneyinawaythathelpedthemworktogethertobuildthefuturethey’dalwaysdreamedof.We’dbeenfocusingonthe“how”behindtheirmoneyplansinsteadofthe“why.”

Whatwedidn’trealizeisthatit’snotenoughtohaveyourfinancialducksinarow.Youneedtoknowwhyyouthinkaboutanddealwithmoneythewayyoudo.Andthat’swhatthisbookisallabout.Thinkaboutthelasttimeyouandyourspousearguedaboutmoney.Formost

couples, those arguments are rarely about the money itself. Instead, they areaboutdeeperrelationshipissuesliketrustandrespectandconnection.TakeMitch andKaren, for example.Mitch loves his coffee.Loves it. If he

can’tstarthismorningwithatwentyouncedoubleshotfromhisfavoritecoffeeshop,hiswholedayisoff.ButKarendoesn’tunderstandwhyMitchwouldpayalmostsixbucksadaytofeedhishabitwhenshebrewsagreatpotofcoffeeathomeeverymorningforpennies.She’stiredofwatchingMitchspendmorethan$100amonthon something she sees as totallyunnecessary.Onemorning sheletshimknowheneedstocutback.

Here’showthatconversationgoes:

KAREN:You’vegottostophittingthecoffeeshopeverymorning.It’stooexpensive.

MITCH:Itisnot.Besides,Ilovetheircoffee.KAREN:Imakecoffeehereeverymorning.Whycan’tyoujustdrink

that?MITCH:It’snotthesame.What’sthebigdeal?KAREN:Thebigdealisthatitcoststoomuch!MITCH:It’safewbucksanditmakesmehappy.What’swrongwith

that?KAREN:Thisisn’taboutyourhappiness.It’saboutyouspendingtoo

muchmoney.MITCH:Whyareyousocheapallthetime?Ijustwanttogetacupof

coffee!KAREN:I’mnotcheap!I’mtryingtokeepusfromspendingmoneywe

don’thave!MITCH:Thisisridiculous.

So he walks away feeling controlled; she walks away feeling disrespected.They’rebothhurtandupset.Andnotbecauseofthemoney.Disagreementslikethisgototheheartofyourrelationship.Theyarethekind

ofconflictsthatlinger—everytimeMitchheadstothecoffeeshop,he’sgoingtobeirritatedatKarenalloveragainandshe’sgoingtogetmadatMitchalloveragain. This is the kind of conflict that gets worse over time because couplessimplydon’tknowhowtofixit.Andsinceeverydecisionyoumakeasacouplehas a money component, conflicts like this come up over and over and overagain.It’saterriblecycle.But you can break that cycle by learning to understand your Money

Relationship.

BringingLoveandMoneyTogetherYourMoneyRelationshipisn’tabouttheplansyoumakewithyourmoney.It’sabout the reasons you make those plans. You save for a house because youdreamofsettlingdown together.Yousave forcollegebecauseyoudreamofabright future for your children.Youplan for retirement because youdreamoftraveling together one day. You buy lavish gifts for your spouse because youdreamofshowingherhowmuchshemeanstoyou.Youclipcouponsandbuyday-oldbreadbecauseyoudreamofkeepingyourfamilyfinanciallysecure.Youandyour spouse startedyour lives togetherwith thosedreams.Sonow

it’s time to do what it takes to reclaim those dreams, to quit arguing aboutmoney,andtohealyourMoneyRelationship.We aren’t therapists, but we have worked with thousands of couples as

they’vetriedtorepairtheirMoneyRelationships.Overandover,we’veseenthatwhen a couple’s Money Relationship isn’t working, nothing else in therelationship is working either. But when couples know how to communicateaboutmoney,whentheyunderstandeachother’sapproachtomoney,whentheybuildastrongMoneyRelationship,therestoftheirrelationshipgrowsstrongertoo.Wewanttoshowyouhowyourloveandmoneycometogetherandhelpyou

createalifestylethatworks.Weknowit’snotalwayseasytoturnarelationshiparound; it takes time to changeold habits and replace themwith patience andgraceandunderstanding.Andittakesintentionalefforttobreakoutofthecycleofblameandfrustrationandlearntoreallylistenandrediscovereachother.Butwebelieveyoucando this.We’ve seen somanycouplescomeback from thebrink of divorce by making the decision to repair their Money Relationship.Whetheryou’vebeenmarriedfivemonthsor fiftyyears,weareconfidentyou

canbeoneofthosesuccessstoriestoo.Ourhopeforyouasyouworkyourwaythroughthisbookisn’tthatyoucome

awaywithmoremoney inyourbankaccount. It’s thatyoucomeawaywith astrong,healthyMoneyRelationship.

MAKEITHAPPEN

Whatarethreedecisionsyoumadethisweek?Whatwasthemoneycomponent?Remember,it’snotjustthebigdecisions

thatinvolvemoney,butthelittleonestoo.

N

3GettingtoKnowMe:TheFiveMoney

Personalities

ooneisneutralaboutfruitcake.Youeitherlovethestufforyouhateit.Noinbetween;nogreyarea.OnTeamFruitcake,youareallinorallout.Youdon’tevenhavetothinkaboutittoknowwhichsideyou’reon.Youjustknow.Moneyworksthesameway.Therearepeoplewhohatetospendmoney.They

feel real, physical pain when they spend more money than they think theyshould.Andtherearepeoplewholovetospendmoney.Theygetanadrenalinerush just thinking about their next purchase. There are people who have noqualmsaboutriskingeverythingtheyhaveonabiginvestmentandpeoplewhowouldratherstuffalltheirmoneyintheirsockdrawerthantakeachanceonasix-monthCDoralow-riskinvestment.Thentherearethosepeoplewhoneverthink about money. They spend it when they have to and save it if someoneremindsthemto,buttheyhavenoemotionaltiestotheirmoney.It’sanonissuein their lives.Youdon’tevenhave to thinkabout it;youknowjustwhichoneyouare.Weboth love to spendmoney. Itdoesn’tmatter ifwehavemoneyornot—

even in our leanest years,we couldn’twait for the chance to spendmoney. Itdoesn’tmatterhowmuchwespend—gettingacoupleofdoughnutsforabuckfeelsasgoodasbuyingacar(okay,almostasgood).Itdoesn’tmatterwhomwespenditon—we’reashappybuyinggiftsforfriendsordonatingtoagoodcauseas we are buying something for ourselves. But we know people who hate tospendmoney, peoplewho cringe at dropping a couple of dollars in the officebirthdaypool,peoplewhowouldrathereatastalesandwichforlunchthangrababurgerat thedrive-through.Andfora longtime,wedidn’tget it.Whywerethesepeoplesocheap?Didn’ttheyknowhowtoenjoylife?Didn’ttheywanttobegenerous?

Thenwefiguredsomethingout:peoplehaveverydifferentwaysofthinkingaboutanddealingwithmoney.Nowthatmightseemsortofobvious,buthere’sthething:mostofusassumethateveryonethinksaboutmoneylikewedo,andthosewhodon’t,well,they’rewrong.Bethany’smomisagreatexample.Sheisthequeenofsavingmoney.Ifshe

hasachoicebetweenabrandnameandagenericitem,she’llalwaysgogeneric.She’sthewomanwhobuysday-oldbreadatthebakery.Andhere’sthething—shedoesn’tdoitbegrudgingly.Shelovesit!Shecanaffordtobuynamebrandsandfreshbread.It’snotamatterofhowmuchmoneyshehas.It’sthatshetrulyenjoyssavingmoney.Ifshecanpaylessthantheotherguy,she’sthrilled.Thewomanlovesadeal.Andnotjustthedealsshefindsforherself.Shegetsjustasexcitedwhensomeoneelsefindsabargain.WhenBethanyscoresapairofkillershoesonclearance,hermomisashappyasifshe’dgottenthemherself.Thereisjustsomethinginher that lovestosavemoney,whethershesavestencentsongenericcerealor80percentonadesignerdress.OtherpeoplearelikeourfriendCarla.Shedoesn’tthinkaboutmoney,doesn’t

careaboutmoney,doesn’tworryaboutmoney.Shedoesn’tthinktobalancehercheckbook until her bank statement shows up in her e-mail in-box. She’s afreelancewriter and sometimes forgets to invoiceherclients.Shecouldn’t tellyou how much she has in her savings account or even if she has a savingsaccount.Forgetplanningforretirementorcollegeforherkids.Notonherradar.She’s always happy to get something on sale and she’s not reckless with herfinances.Shejustdoesn’tgivehermoneymuchthought.Both Bethany’s mom and Carla deal with money in ways that are vastly

differentfromthewaywedealwithit.Butthatdoesn’tmeanourwayissuperior—asmuchaswe’re tempted to think it is.Bethany’smomdoesn’t understandhowwecanjustdecidetogoouttoeatwithoutalongconversationabouthowmuchwe’regoingtospend.Fromherperspective,ourideasaboutmoneyareasoddasherideasseemtous.We all know people with vastly different spending habits than our own.

Everyonehas that“cheap” friendwhonever seems topay foranything,or thecoworkerwhothrowsinafiveonagroupgiftwheneveryoneelseisthrowinginatwenty,orthecouponqueenwhonevermetadealshedidn’tlike.Weallknowpeoplewhoseemtospend indiscriminately—the“shopaholic”whocan’t resistonemorepurchase,thebig-spendingbuddywhoalwaysbuysanotherround.Weknowpeoplewhowillalwaystakeafinancialbet—investinginthelatest

multilevel marketing business or buying shares of some company they know

nothingaboutinSriLanka.Weknowpeoplewho’veplannedforeverypossibleproblem the future might hold—flood insurance and fire insurance anddismemberment insurance and pet insurance and on and on. And we knowpeoplelikeCarla,whodon’tthinkaboutmoneyatall.The bottom line is that everyone thinks about and deals with money in a

unique,highlypersonalway.That’sbecauseeachofushassomethingwecallaMoneyPersonality.Therearefiveofthem:

EachofthefiveMoneyPersonalitieshasitsstrengthsanditschallenges.Eachofthemcanhelpyoumakegreatfinancialdecisions,andeachof themhasthepotential to get you into financial trouble. That’s whywe remind people thatthere is no right orwrongMoneyPersonality.They arewhat they are. So thegoalindiscoveringyourMoneyPersonalityisn’ttopointoutyourflaws.It’stohelpyouunderstandyourselfandthewayyouthinkaboutanddealwithmoney.Becausethemoreyouknowaboutyourselfandyourperspectiveonmoney,thebetter equipped you are to work with your spouse to build a strong MoneyRelationship.

FindingYourMoneyPersonalityBeforewedig inanydeeperon theMoneyPersonalities,wewantyou to readthroughthedescriptionsbelowandfigureoutwhichofthemseemtofityouthebest. You’re actually going to choose two of the five—a Primary MoneyPersonality and a Secondary Money Personality. As you read through thedescriptions,you’ll findone that strikesyouasabsolutely true towhoyouarewhenitcomestomoney.That’syourPrimaryMoneyPersonality.Therewillbeasecondonethathitsclosetohomeaswell,butisn’tquiteasstrong.That’syourSecondaryMoneyPersonality.For example, Scott’s PrimaryMoney Personality is Spender. He can spend

money with the best of them. His Secondary Money Personality is SecuritySeeker.When there’s an investment tobemade,Scottwill always thinkaboutthrowing in some money—that’s his Spender side—but because he’s also aSecuritySeeker,he’lldoatonofresearchontheinvestmentbeforehecommits.Even then, he’s likely to say no if the risk is outside his comfort zone. Hisprimary approach to money is to spend, but he’s also careful about how hespends.Fora longtime,wethoughtpeoplehadjustoneMoneyPersonality.But the

morewelookedatourselvesandourMoneyPersonalities,themorewerealizedthattheseMoneyPersonalitiesaren’tmutuallyexclusive.YoucanbeaSaverandaRiskTaker,aSpenderandaFlyer,aSecuritySeekerandaSaver.Notonlyisitpossible to havemore than one; it’s highly likely!We’ll talkmore about howyour Primary and Secondary Money Personalities work together in the nextchapter.Fornow,allwewantyoutodoisidentifyyourPrimaryandSecondaryMoneyPersonalities.We’llgettothenitty-grittysoonenough.Your Primary Money Personality—the one that really drives your thinking

aboutmoney—willbeeasytofigureout.You’ll instantlyrecognizeyourself inthedescriptionsbelow.YourSecondaryMoneyPersonalityislessobvious,butitoftenshowsupwhenyou’refeelingstressedaboutmoney.Soifyou’reaSaverwho worries you won’t have enough money in the bank to cover you in anemergency, you’re probably a Saver/Security Seeker. If you’re a Saver whoskimps on the little things so you can afford a splurge now and then, you’reprobablyaSaver/RiskTaker.Ifyouaren’tsureoryoujustwantmoredetailsabouteachtype,youcanfinda

freeMoneyPersonalityProfileonourwebsite,TheMoneyCouple.com.Withthe

help of statistical scientist Dr. Kirk Cameron, we’ve developed this tool toconfirm your Money Personalities. This simple quiz will take you less thanfifteenminutestocomplete,buttheresultswillhaveaprofoundimpactonyouandyourrelationship.

Once you’ve figured out your Primary and SecondaryMoneyPersonalities,haveyour spousedo the same.You’ll bothneed this informationasyouworkthroughtheremainingchaptersofthebook.

TheMoneyPersonalities

Saver

EdisaSaver.Howdoweknow?Well,EdisthekindofguywhowasheshisZiplocbags.Hereusesaluminumfoil.Ifhefindsapieceofrottingfence

inanalley,hebringsithomeandtucksitawayinhisworkroomincasehefindsauseforit later.Hehaslittleplasticbinsfullofoldfaucetsandknobs,jarsofrustyscrewsandbentnails,threehammersthathegotatagaragesaleforadimeapiece,andatleastthreeoldlawnmowersheisprettysurehecanfix.IfEdsoundsa lot likeyourgrandpa,well,he is.Except thatEd is a thirty-

eight-year-oldhighschoolphysicsteacher.LikemostSavers,Ednevermetadealhedidn’t like,but forEd, freebeats

cheapeverytime,evenifthethinghe’sgettingisold,broken,oruseless.He’dratherrecyclethatoldrottenfenceintosomesortofwoodworkingprojectthan

buynewstuffatthelumberyardathalfprice.Ed’sjunkcollectionisjustthetipofhisSavericeberg.Hedrivesacarwithno

heat, his driver’s side door doesn’t close all the way in the winter, and it’smissing its ignition panel. He has to start it with a screwdriver. Most of hiswardrobeismadeupofclotheshe’shadsincecollegeandshirtshiswifebuyshimforChristmas.Hisfavoriteshoesareapairofhigh-endloafershegotatthethriftstorefor$7—abitmorethanhelikestospend,buthiswifeconvincedhimtheywereaverygooddeal.Ed is, obviously, a fairly extreme exampleof aSaver.Not everySaver is a

pack rat.Not every Saver objects to buying something new.We knowSaverswhowearnothingbutdesignerlabels—thattheyboughtatadeepdiscount.WeknowSaverswhoareworthmillions,andtheygotthatwaybywatchingeverypenny.WeknowSaverswhodrivenicecarsandliveinnicehousesandgoonnicevacations—allofthempaidforupfront,incash.WhileSaversdon’talwayssave in thesameways, therearesome traits that

arecommontomostSavers.You’reaSaverifyou:GETAGENUINERUSHFROMSAVINGMONEY.It’sasourceofprideto

getsomethingyouwantedforless.ARE ORGANIZED, RESPONSIBLE, AND TRUSTWORTHY WHEN IT

COMESTOFINANCES.ASaverwon’ttapoutthekids’collegefundtopayforanewboat.ASaverwon’ttossa$20intotheofficebasketballpool.RARELYSPEND IMPULSIVELY. Saverswill scour the Internet for deals,

plan every detail of a vacation, andmake sure they have the money in handbeforemakingapurchase.AVOID CREDIT CARD DEBT LIKE HEAD LICE. Savers hate paying

interestandaccruingdebt.Theywanttopayoffeverybill,infull,rightaway.As we mentioned, everyMoney Personality has its challenges. If you’re a

Saver,youneedtobeawarethatyoucanbe:AJOYSTEALER.Ifyou’reaSaverandyourpartnerisn’t,yourresistanceto

spendingmoneycansuckthefunoutofeverythingfromseeingamovietogoingonvacation.OVERLYFOCUSEDONFINANCIALGOALS.Often,thereasonSaversare

joystealersisthattheytendtothinkaboutonlythemoney.It’sgreattohavefirmfinancial goals and towork hard tomeet them, but sometimesSavers need toswallowtheiranxietyandletthemselves—andothers—justenjoylife.CHEAP.ASaverhasahardtimepartingwithhermoney,somuchsothatshe

comesacrossascheapandevenselfishtoothers.Savers can be great partners because they are careful about spending and

usuallyspendwisely.Thechallengeisforthemtoseemoneyasameanstoanend,notanendinitself.

Spender

Colleen isaSpender. If there’sachance to spendmoney, she’ll spend it.Friends coming over for dinner? That’s the perfect excuse for a bundle of

fresh flowers and some cute new dessert plates. A Saturday running errands?Mightaswell invitea friend to lunchat thecafé tobreakup theday.ByMayshe’salreadygotaclosetfullofChristmasgifts.Andyouknowthosedisplaysrightby thecheckoutcounter at every store?Colleencan’t resist them—she’llgrabapackofgum,alittletoyforherdaughter,acoupleofpacksoflipbalm,whateverlooksinterestingornewornecessary.ForColleen,spendingisn’tabouthavingmorestuff.She’sfarmorelikelyto

buyagiftforafriendthantospendmoneyonherself.Sheisthefirsttopickupthe tabwhen she has coffeewith a friend, always shows up at a partywith alovelygift for thehostandhostess,andhasa reputationforgivinggenerouslywhenthere’saneedinherchurchcommunityorherchildren’sschool.Colleen’s spending has gotten her into some financial pickles. She has

bouncedafewchecksinhertime,andsheamassedafairbitofdebtbeforeshewasmarriedandhandedthefinancesovertoherhusband.Butshe’slearnedthatshedoesn’thavetospendalotofmoneytogetthatrushofjoythatcomesfromshoppingandgiving.Thoselittleitemsfromthecheckoutlinemakeherjustashappyasthecartfullofbig-ticketitems.Spenders don’t care howmuch they spend or who they spend it on. They

aren’tnecessarilyrich;weknowSpenderswhocandosomeseriousshoppingatthedollarstore.Spendersjustlikespending.You’reaSpenderifyou:LIVE INTHEMOMENT. Spenders are focused onwhat’s happening right

now,andtheyarewillingtospendmoneytomakelifeablast.Theymighthaveless money down the road, but for the Spender it’s all about making greatmemoriestoday.LOVETOBUYTHINGSFOROTHERPEOPLE.Spendersgeta lotof joy

outofgivinggifts,helpingout,andtreatingotherpeople.GET A THRILL FROM THE PURCHASE. It doesn’t matter if you’re

shoppingatSaksorattheSalvationArmythriftstore.Thepricedoesn’tmatter.It’sthefunofbuyingthatcounts.Ifyou’reaSpender,youneedtobeawarethatyoucanbe:IMPRACTICAL.Spendersareoftenimpulsebuyers.ASpenderwalksintoa

store without lists, without limits. Spenders don’t do research to find a gooddeal;wedon’twait forasale. Ifwewantsomething,weget it—andSpendersdon’tdifferentiatebetweenwantsandneeds.NONCOMMUNICATIVE. All that impractical impulse buying means that

Spenders don’t think—much less talk—through purchases with their partners.This lack of communication can come across as secretive and sneaky to theSpender’sspouse.FILLEDWITHREGRET.We’rebothSpenders,soChristmasisablast!But

January 15 is never pretty.We don’t regret the purchases or the fun we hadbuyingthemandgivingthem,butweregretgettingcarriedaway.ABUDGETBREAKER.ASpendercanputtogetherameanbudget.Andhe

canhavegreatintentionsofstickingtoit.ButSpendersrarelydo.Thatcanleadthem—and their unwilling spouses—into serious, life-altering debt. Spendersmight even feel bad about overspending, but they have a hard time stoppingthemselves.ThiscanbeunbearablyfrustratingtotheSpender’sspouse.ASpendercanbeagreatpartnerbecauseshewillneverletfinancesgetinthe

wayoftrulylivinglifetoitsfullest.ThechallengefortheSpenderistorespectthemoneyexpectationsofherspouse,particularlyifthatpersonisaSaver.

RiskTaker

You’veprobablymetsomeonelikePatrice.She’sthatpersonwhoisalwaysuptosomethinginteresting.Whenshegoesonvacation,it’sneversomewhere

likeFloridaor theGrandCanyon.No,Patriceheads toabeach inVietnamorgoesiceclimbinginCanada.Whenshegoesouttoeat,it’stothatnewplacethatopenedinawarehousedowntownoralittlehole-in-the-walljointyou’veneverheardof.She’sthefirst totryoutanewtechgadget, thefirst totellyouaboutsomebandshediscoveredatamusicfestivalinTucson,thefirsttobiketoworkinthesnow.PatriceisaRiskTaker,notjustinhertravelplansandrestaurantchoices,but

inherfinancesaswell.She’snotafraidtoinvestinafriend’sbusinessventureorchip in tohelp a buddymakehis independent film.Shehas a good job anda

healthydisposableincome,andsheseesnoreasontolethermoneysitinabankaccountwhen she can use it to be part of something amazing or intriguing orinnovative.Shehastakenahitmorethanonce.Sheandafriendofafriendwentinona

foodcartbusinessthatneverreallytookoff,andnowshe’stheproudownerofanindustrial-gradechestfreezer.Sheboughtahouseindesperateneedofrehabwiththeintentionofflippingit,but thehousingmarket tankedandshe’sstuckwith a house she can’t sell.Despite these financial setbacks,Patrice is alwayslooking for thenextbig thing, thenextopportunity toplungeheadfirst intoanadventure.Oneofthesedays,sheknowsit’sgoingtoplayoutperfectly.ForRiskTakers, the thrillof jumping intoa financial challengedoesn’t just

comefromahugepayoutonaninvestment;itcomesfromtakingtheriskinthefirstplace.Eveniftheyneverhititbig,RiskTakersnevergiveuponfollowingthatrushtheygetfromtryingoutanewidea,evenif itcosts themeverything.It’sjusthowthey’rewired.Ifyou’reaRiskTakeryou:AREABIG-PICTURE PERSON.Risk Takers aren’t alwaysworried about

details.Theydon’tgethunguponthehowofanidea.Instead,theygetabeadonsomething—a business opportunity, an investment option, a real estate deal—andtheymove.Fast.LOVEFINDINGTHENEXTADVENTURE.ForRiskTakers,noideaistoo

outthere,norisktoobig.Theirsenseofadventuretakesoverandtheywantin.GETEXCITEDBYPOSSIBILITY.RiskTakersgetmore excited about the

ideaofsomethingthanaboutthethingitself.Bythetimethedealplaysoutandthey’vegottheirreturn,they’vemovedontothenextbigidea.LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. More than conventional wisdom or financial

experts, intuition is what a Risk Taker trusts. If a deal doesn’t feel right, shewon’tdoit.Butifsomethingstrikesher,she’sonit.AREN’TAFRAIDTOMAKEDECISIONS.RiskTakersdon’tmessaround

whenitcomestomoney.Theymakeadecisionandmakeitfast.Thatcanbearealpluswhenthereareimportantdecisionsontheline.Ifyou’reaRiskTaker,youneedtobeawarethatyoucanbe:BLINDED BY POSSIBILITY.When a Risk Taker gets a hold of an idea,

reasonhasleftthebuilding.Andwithitgoconcernforotherpeople’sfeelings,attentiontodetails,andlong-rangeplanning.EASILYRESENTED.EvenifaRiskTaker is inarelationshipwithanother

RiskTaker, thequickdecisions and the leveragingof assets can endwith two

people who don’t like each other very much. When a decision pays off,everyone’shappy,butallittakesisonebumdealtocreateariftofresentment.IMPATIENT.TheRiskTakercanlosepatiencewithpeoplewhodon’tsignon

to her big ideas as quickly as she’d like.RiskTakersmake decisionswithoutconsultingthepeoplethosedecisionsaffectmost—theirspouses.INSENSITIVE.RiskTakershatefeelinghemmedinbyotherpeople,sorather

thanworkforcompromise,theychargeaheadanddealwiththerelationalfalloutlater.AndwhentheRiskTaker’sspouseisn’tonboardwiththedecision,thereisalwaysrelationalfallout.ARiskTakercanbeagreatspousebecausesheisalwaysthinkingaboutthe

future.Thechallenge for theRiskTaker is tokeepher spouse involved in therisk-takingdecisionsandtobewillingtosaynotoadeal.

SecuritySeeker

Ifever therewasaclassicSecuritySeeker, it’sJerry.HeeatsbreakfastatthesamerestauranteverySaturday.OnCasualFridaysatwork,hewearsone

ofhisthreeblueV-necksweatersandkhakipants.HisfavoritevacationspotisOrlando,Florida,whereheownsasmallcondo.Butallthatpredictabilitydoesn’tmeanJerryisboring.Notatall.He’salways

up for an adventure, as long as he can plan for it.When a group of collegebuddiesdecidedtoringintheirfortiethbirthdaystogetherbyrentingasailboatandspendingfivedaysontheocean,Jerrywasrighttherewiththem.Whenhisanniversary rolls around every year, his wife knows he’ll come up withsomething over-the-top romantic—a surpriseweekend getaway, a couple’s spaday,orapieceofcustomjewelryshe’sbeenhintingabout.LikesomanySecuritySeekers,Jerryhasnoproblemspendingmoney;hejust

wantstomakesurehe’sspendingwisely.Thatvacationproperty?Hedidn’tbiteuntilthepricewasrightandheknewhisfamilywouldwanttospendtimeintheDells for years to come. The sailing trip? Jerry mapped out their course,researchedrentalcompanies tofindonewithasolidreputation,andmadesurehis life insurancewas up-to-date. The gifts for hiswife?Hemakes sure theiryearlybudgetincludesroomforthisannualsplurgebycuttingbackonextrasfora few weeks. So while he’s willing to spend money, he’s not willing tojeopardizehisfamily’sfuturetodoit.SecuritySeekersliketoknowthefutureissettledandsafe.Theyareallabout

planning, consistency, and clear expectations. When it comes to money, the

SecuritySeeker’smottois“Thesafer,thebetter.”Helovesasenseoforderandpredictability.You’reaSecuritySeekerifyouare:AN INVESTIGATOR. A Security Seeker would never invest in a piece of

propertyhehasn’tseen.Infact,aSecuritySeekerwouldn’tjustneedtoseetheproperty;he’dneedtohavethesoil testedfor toxicity, lookintoall thezoningrestrictions within a three-mile area, and get a detailed prospectus from thedeveloperandaresuméfromeveryotherinvestor.TRUSTWORTHY.SecuritySeekersrarelyput theirfuturesontheline.That

meanstheyaren’tlikelytospendthismonth’smortgageonacarortapintothecollegefundtojoinamultilevelmarketingcompany.WILLINGTOSACRIFICE.ASecuritySeekerwouldratherdowithouttoday

thandowithouttomorrow.SecuritySeekerswon’tspendmoneyuntiltheyknowthey’vegotenoughtopaythebills,contributetotheirretirement,andcoveranyotherobligationsthey’vesetuptomakesurethefutureistakencareof.PREPAREDFORANYTHING.SecuritySeekersarenevercaughtwithouta

plan.TheSecuritySeekerrarelyendsup inacrisis (at leastnota realcrisis—that 5 percent stockmarket dip can feel like a crisis to the Security Seeker),whichmeanstherestofthefamilycanrestalittleeasier.Ifyou’reaSecuritySeekeryouneedtobeawarethatyoucan:BEOVERLYNEGATIVE.SecuritySeekersgetnervous about risk, so they

often sayno to every idea that comesalong.TheSecuritySeeker canbecomecontrolling, using his veto power to keep his spouse from exploring her owndreams.GETSTUCK INARESEARCHRUT.We call this tendency “paralysis by

analysis.” In other words, Security Seekers can get so caught up in avoidingbuyer’sremorseormakingsureanopportunityisfoolproofthattheyneveract.STIFLECREATIVITY.Thischallengedoesn’tjustaffectotherpeopleinthe

SecuritySeeker’slife;itaffectstheSecuritySeekertoo.Overtime,thatneedforsecuritycanbecomesoall-consumingthatshestopslookingatthepossibilitiesandstickswiththecertainties—andthatcanbeaverysubtleformofcontrol.TheSecuritySeekercanbeagreat spousebecausehiscarefulplanningand

steadyapproachtomoneycanhelpcouplesavoiddisaster.ThechallengefortheSecuritySeekeristoresistmakingdecisionsoutoffearandtoknowhowmuchfinancialsecurityisenough.

Flyer

Finally, we get to themysterious Flyer. Take Brett, for example. He’s amusician—he plays in a couple of bands, teaches music, and works in a

recording studio as a sound engineer and producer. He lives a fairlyunconventionallife,andhewouldn’thaveitanyotherway.Bretthaslivedinatleasttendifferentapartmentsinfivedifferentcitiessince

graduatingfromcollegefifteenyearsago.Hetendstogowheretheworkisandmakesalifeforhimselfwhenhegetsthere.Forthelastthreeyears,heandhiswifehave lived in agreatoldhouse,buthe’s starting toget antsy.Oneof hiscoworkers toldBrett abouta studiohis friendowns inanother state, andBrettandhiswifeareseriouslyconsideringmakingamove.Brett’s students would be sorry to see him go. He’s a gracious, passionate

teacher,andheistrulyinvestedinthesuccessofthekidsheworkswith.Theirparents love him too.He is easygoing, encourages the kids towork hard andpractice,andisn’tpickyaboutwhentheypayhimorevenhowmuchtheypayhim for lessons. One of the parents has offered to help Brett set up a morereliable billing system, but Brett thinks that’s more work than it’s worth. Healwaysgetspaideventuallyandhe reallydoesn’thaveahead forbusiness, sohe’djustassoonavoidtheheadacheofbillingandkeepingaccounts.TheFlyerisperhapsthemostunusualMoneyPersonality.Flyersdon’tthink

aboutthemoneycomponentofadecision—atall.They’renotanxiousaboutit;they’re not consumed by it; they have absolutely no emotional response tomoney.You’reaFlyerifyouare:BASICALLYCONTENTWITHYOURLIFE.AFlyermightbedirt-poorand

living in anAirstream out by the highway, but he doesn’t care. As long as aFlyerismakinghisownchoices,he’shappy.BIGONRELATIONSHIPS. For Flyers, relationships and connectionswith

otherpeoplearecrucial.HAPPYTOLETSOMEONEELSETAKECAREOFYOURFINANCES.

Thiscanbeabigplusinrelationships,especiallyiftheotherpartnerhasoneoftheotherMoneyPersonalities.NOTMOTIVATEDBYMONEY.MostFlyersenduplivingexactlythelives

theywanttolivebecausetheymakechoicesbasedonwhattheywant,notwhatwillmakethemthemostmoney.Ifyou’reaFlyeryouneedtobeawarethatyoucanbe:REACTIONARY.Flyersdon’t thinkaboutmoney,butmoney isanecessary

partoflife.Sosoonerorlater,evenFlyershavetopayattentiontotheirbillsor

theirloomingretirement.Andwhentheydo,theyoftenmakedecisionsbasedonfear,notgoodadvice.LACKING IN THE SKILLS NEEDED TO SOLVE YOUR MONEY

PROBLEMS. When money problems come up, the Flyer tries to handle itherself.But because she doesn’t care aboutmoney, she doesn’t have any ideahow finances work. Interest? Consolidation? Refinancing? Comparisonshopping?Theseconceptsaren’tonherradar.DISORGANIZED. Flyers aren’t always disorganized people in the general

sense, butwhen it comes tomoney, they are all over the place.We’ve askedFlyers tobring in tax returnsand theyhaveno ideawheresomething like thatmightbe.Someof themdon’teven remember if they filed taxesorwhat theirtaxableincomeis.UN-RESPONSIBLE. Anyone who isn’t a Flyer might think Flyers are

irresponsible. But really, they are un-responsible. Irresponsibility suggests adeliberate lack of maturity. But Flyers aren’t trying to be lazy or inattentive.Theygenuinelydon’tthinkaboutmoneyissues.Flyerscanmakegreatspousesbecausetheyarefairlyeasygoingaboutmoney

issues. They aren’t going to be controlling or uptight about finances. Thechallenge for Flyers is to stay involved and invested in the family financialpicture.

Sowheredidyoufindyourselfinthesedescriptions?Asyougothroughtherestofthisbook,we’llkeepcomingbacktoyourMoneyPersonality,somakesureyouhaveasenseofwhoyouare.And don’t forget to identify both a Primary Money Personality and a

SecondaryMoneyPersonality.The interplayof these twohas a big impact onyourMoney Relationship, so it’s important that you knowwhat they are andhaveafairlygoodsenseofhowtheyplayoutinyourlife.

BesuretotakethefullMoneyPersonalityProfileatTheMoneyCouple.com!

Onemore note:Now that you have identified your Primary and SecondaryMoneyPersonalities,you’veprobablyalreadyfiguredoutwhichofthemfityourspousetoo.Butstoprightthere.It’sessentialthatyouletyourspousedeterminehis or her Money Personalities. Part of the process of healing your MoneyRelationshipisforbothofyoutoknowyourselveswellandunderstandwhyyouthink about money the way you do. If you just assign your spouse aMoneyPersonalitywithoutreallylettinghimorherworkthroughtheoptionsandownthatMoneyPersonality,therestoftheideasinthisbookwon’tbeaseffective.It’seasytoreadthesedescriptionsandthinkaboutalltheissuesthatcancome

upwhencoupleshavedifferentMoneyPersonalities,andwe’llgettothatsoon.Butfornow,wewanttokeepthefocusonyouasindividualsandmakesureyoutrulyunderstandyourownMoneyPersonalityandhowitaffectsyou.

YourLensforLifeYourMoneyPersonality is the lens throughwhichyoumakemoneydecisions.It’swhatmotivatesyoutowaituntilthatsweaterisonsale.It’swhatdrivesyoutoput30percentofyourpaycheckinyoursavingsaccount.It’swhatmakesyoubuyaroundofdrinksforyourbuddies.Andsincemoneytoucheseverydecisionyoumake,yourMoneyPersonalityframesyourperspectiveonlife.WefindthatpeoplewhoareSpenderstendtobefairlygregarious.Theylive

large.Theyaregenerousnotonlywiththeirmoneybutwiththeirtimeandtheirtalentsaswell.Spenderslovetolavishaffectionandattentiononthepeopletheycare about. They are the kind of peoplewho insist you staywith themwhenyou’revisitinginsteadofgoingtoahotel.Theyaretheoneswhooffertodrivewhenyougoondoubledatesorletyouchoosetherestaurantandstillinsistonpaying.They are just bigheartedpeople.They aren’t necessarily outgoing, butthey are always ready to helpout anddowhat they can for thegoodof otherpeople.Savers tend tobemore intentional about theirmoneyand theotherpartsof

theirlives.Theyrarelymakeadecisionwithoutalotofforethought.Theylikeplans and clear expectations about relationships, work, even their free time.Savershaveagoodsenseofhowmuchtimeoreffortaprojectwilltakeandwilldoleouttheirenergyaccordingly.That’swhySaversoftencultivateatightcircleoffriends—intheirownway,theyconservetheirrelational“funds”asdeftlyastheyconservetheirmoney.TheSecuritySeekerandRiskTakerMoneyPersonalitiescreateuniquelenses

for life as well. Security Seekers are, obviously, unlikely to take risks—personallyorprofessionally.Theyliketoknowwhat’scoming.Whentheyplanavacation, theywant to see all themaps, read all thebrochures,make all thereservations. Risk Takers are happy to get online and see if there are cheaptickets for the next day to anywhere in the world; they can be packed bymorning!ASecuritySeeker loves to settle in for a cozymovienight at homewhileaRiskTakerwillheadtothemovietheaterandpickaflickonsite.AndFlyers?Well,Flyersarecontenttogowiththeflow.Theyhaveideasand

opinions, tobe sure,but they tend tobeeasygoingandspontaneous.Atwork,they are oftenhighly creative and easily adaptable.Theydon’t stress out overdeadlines and they aren’t easily frazzled. In relationships, they let their truefeelingsshowbutdon’tgettooworkedupoverdisagreementsorconflict.They

liketokeepthingssimpleandclear.Naturally, these are broad generalizations, but you get the idea. Of course,

there are spontaneousSavers and selfishSpenders, confident Security Seekersand nervous Risk Takers. But it’s important to recognize that your MoneyPersonalityisn’taseparatepieceofyou;it’sfullyintegratedintootherpartsofyourpersonality,andviceversa.ThedeeperyourrecognitionofthewaysyourMoneyPersonality influences your life and your decisions, themore preparedyouaretodigintoyourMoneyRelationshipandmakeitstronger.TakeBrittandAlex,forexample.Theylovetotravel.Butalmosteverytime

theygoonvacation, theyendup inahugeargument that ruins thewhole trip.Theyhateit,theirkidshateit,anduntillastyear,theyhadnoideahowtofixit.But onceBritt andAlex figured out theirMoneyPersonalities, they started tobreakthecycleofconflictthatwaskillingtheirrelationship.It turnsoutthatBritt isaSaverandAlexisaRiskTaker.Theyrealizedthat

many of their vacation arguments started when Alex went shopping forsouvenirs. They loved bringing home reminders of their travels, but they hadverydifferentideasaboutwhatthoseremindersshouldbe.Alexlovestocollectart andpotterymadeby local artists.Britt ishappywitha refrigeratormagnetandapostcard.But after they discovered their Money Personalities, Britt and Alex had a

bettersenseofwhytheybothfeltsostronglyaboutaseeminglytrivialissue.ForAlex,buyingapaintingoraceramicjarfromalocalartisanwasathrill—whoknowswhatthatartistmightaccomplishoneday?Helovedtheideaofinvestingin an unknown artist and being part of that person’s success. For Britt, herconcerns about themoneyAlex spent far outweighed any appeal thepurchasehad.Shesavedandplannedtheirvacationbudgetsverycarefullyandhadeverymealandexcursionaccountedfor.Inoneafternoonofshopping,Alexcouldruinmonthsofherhardwork.Soinsteadofarguingatthegiftshop,BrittdecidedtotalktoAlexabouther

anxiety.Shesuggestedtheysetalimitonthecostofanysouvenirs.Alexagreed.So Britt factored that money into their travel budget, and they had their firstfight-freevacationinyears.That’swhathappenswhenyouknowyourMoneyPersonality.Youcanfigure

outwhyyoubecomefrustratedorangryorcontrollingoranxiousand thendosomething about it. You suddenly know why it drives you crazy when yourspousegoesintothestoreforagallonofmilkandcomesoutwithmilk...anddoughnutsandamagazineandsomebatteriesandthreebagsofchips.Andyou

suddenlyknowwhyyoufeelcontrolledwhenyourspousegetsmadatyouforbuyingdoughnutsandamagazineandsomebatteriesandthreebagsofchips.

YourMoneyPersonalityDNAWhenwetalkwithpeopleabouttheirMoneyPersonalities,theyalwaysaskuswheretheirMoneyPersonalitiescomefrom.Areyoubornwiththem?Aretheyaresponsetohowyouwereraised?Theanswerisyes.We’ve come to believe that yourMoney Personality is part of your DNA.

Now there’s noMoney Personality gene, but theway you think aboutmoneyseemstobesomethingyou’rejustbornwith.Whenwelookatourtwosons,it’sobvious to us that Cole is a Saver andCade is a Spender. Cade can’t keep adollar inhispocket tosavehis life. Ifhefindsadimeontheground,hestartsthinkingaboutwhathecanbuywithit.Andsincewe’reSpendersourselves,wetotallygetit.ButColeisourSaver.Thepoorkidliveswiththreepeoplewhoknowhowto

spend some serious coin, but he is just naturally inclined to save his money.WhenourSaversonwasyounger,hestartedtalkingaboutwantingtobuyacoolcarsomeday.Scotttoldhimthatwhenthetimecame,ScottwouldmatchCole’ssavingsdollar fordollar.ThatwasbeforeScottknew justwhatkindofkidhewasdealingwith.Afewyearslater,oureleven-year-oldhasalmosttwothousanddollarsinthebank.Atthisrate,we’regoingtohavetosellourcars,andmaybeourhouse,tokeepScott’spromise.The familyyougrewup incanhaveabig influenceonhowyou feelabout

money,butwefindthatmostpeoplecanlookbackandseesignsoftheirMoneyPersonalities in their childhoods well before they would be intentionallyresponding to their parents’ influence. As we’ve said, Bethany’s mom is aserious Saver, butBethany can see that shewas always a Spender. Even as alittlegirlwhowasunawareofhermom’sspendinghabits,Bethanywasalwaysreadytospendherallowanceonwhateverwasinfrontofher.Your Money Personality is as much a part of you as your feelings about

fruitcake,andthey’rejustasunlikelytochange.Sodon’tfightit.EmbraceyourMoneyPersonalityandstartpayingattentiontoallthewaysitplaysoutinyourlife.Themoreyouknowabouthowyouviewmoney, thebetterequippedyouaretoovercomeyourchallengesandstartusingyourstrengthstobuildabetterMoneyRelationship.

MAKEITHAPPEN

ThinkaboutatimewhenyourPrimaryMoneyPersonalityhasdrivenamoneydecision.Dothe

sameforyourSecondaryMoneyPersonality.HowhavethoseMoneyPersonalitiesbeen

anassetinyourlife?

Y

4TheOppositeDynamic

ourMoneyPersonalityframesthewayyouthinkaboutmoney—andaboutlife.OnceyouknowyourPrimary andSecondaryMoneyPersonalities, you’llstartnoticingthemplayingoutinallkindsofways.Ifyou’reaRiskTaker,forexample,you’llstarttonoticethelittledecisionsyoumakeeverydaythathaveanelementoftheunknowntothem—checkingoutanewrestaurant,pursuinganewbusinesscontact, tryinganewrecipe. Ifyou’reaSaver,you’llnotice thatyoucomparepricesat thegrocerystoreorautomaticallyhead to theclearancerackwhenyou’reshopping.But that’s just your Primary Money Personality at work. Your Secondary

MoneyPersonality,whilenotasprominentasyourPrimaryMoneyPersonality,stillhasanimpactonthewayyouviewmoney.That’swhythereareSpenderswhoexperienceseriousbuyer’sremorseandFlyerswhoretireasmillionaires.We’velearnedthat therearecertaincombinationsofPrimaryandSecondary

MoneyPersonalities that create somethingwecall theOppositeDynamic. TheOppositeDynamic is the internal conflict somanyof us experiencewhenourPrimaryandSecondaryMoneyPersonalitiesclash.Our friend Matt’s Primary Money Personality is Spender. His Secondary

MoneyPersonalityisSecuritySeeker.HisSpendersidelovestoshop.Soafewmonthsago,whenMattneededanewspeaker forhishometheatersystem,hespenthisSaturdaymorningat the electronics store, did a little looking to findjustwhathewanted,andleftwithanewspeaker.Andanewflat-screenTV.AndanewBlu-rayplayer.AndaWii.Forthefirstfiveminutesofhisdrivehome,Mattwasonthenew-stuffhigh

thatSpendersfeedoffof.AndthenhisSecuritySeekersidekickedin.Whathadhejustdone?Whatwashethinking,spendingsomuch?Whatifheneededthatmoneynextweek?Whatif thecarneededrepairs?Whatifhelosthisjob?Bythetimehegothome,he’dalreadyfiguredoutwhathecouldreturnandvowed

toneverlethimselfspendsomuchagain.Matt’s response is the result of the Opposite Dynamic. His Primary and

SecondaryMoneyPersonalitiesleadhimtowanttwoverydifferentthings—thethrillofthepurchaseandthesecurityofknowinghehasplannedforthefuture.The Opposite Dynamic is the result of your Money Personalities having

competingneeds.Thatcompetitioncreatesinternaltension.AndthattensioncanquicklycreepintoyourMoneyRelationship.Sowe’regoingtotakesometimeto break down this idea of the Opposite Dynamic so you can see how thatinternaltensionmightbeseepingintoyourmarriage.

ClashingPersonalitiesThe fiveMoneyPersonalities canbeput into twogroups.Onone sideare theSpender,theRiskTaker,andtheFlyer.ThesethreeMoneyPersonalitieshaveafewthingsincommon:

•Theythinkofmoneyasameanstoanend.•Theytendtobemoreimpulsive.•Theydon’texperiencemuchfearoranxietywhenitcomestomoney.

OntheothersidearetheSaverandtheSecuritySeeker.Theyalsohaveafewthingsincommon:

•Theythinkofmoneyasanendinitself.•Theytendtobeintentionalspenders.•Theystrugglewithfearandanxietywhenitcomestomoney.

If your Primary Money Personality is in one group and your SecondaryMoneyPersonality is in theother,youhave theOppositeDynamic.AndwhilethereareplentyofbenefitstotheOppositeDynamic,mostofusaremorelikelytonoticethechallengesitcreates.OurfriendClaire’sPrimaryMoneyPersonalityistheSaverandherSecondary

MoneyPersonalityistheFlyer.Shegotanewjobrecently,onethatcalledforamore professional wardrobe. That meant Claire needed to go shopping. AndClairehatesshopping.Sosheputitoffuntiltheweekendbeforeherfirstdayatthenew job. Insteadofhaving time to look foragooddealorwait fora sale,Claireendeduppayingfullpriceforclothesshedidn’treallylikeallthatmuch.Andinsteadoffeelingconfidentinhernewoutfitonthatfirstdayofwork,allClairecouldthinkaboutwashowmuchitcost.

Claire’sSaverMoneyPersonalitycreatedanxietyabouthowmuchshe’dspenton theclothes,but it’sherFlyerMoneyPersonality thatkeptherfrommakingplansthatcouldhavehelpedherspendlessinthefirstplace.That’stheOppositeDynamicatwork.LikeMatt in theearlierexample,Claire isdealingwith that internal tension

betweenherPrimaryandSecondaryMoneyPersonalities.Andwhile it’softeneasierforpeopletopayattentiontotheconflicttheyfeelbecauseoftheOppositeDynamic,we find that theOppositeDynamic can alsobe ahelpfuldiagnosticcheck. Ifyoupayattention to it, it can saveyou from thechallengingpartsofyourMoneyPersonality.Everyoneof thefiveMoneyPersonalitieshasadownside.Spenderscango

off the deep end and leave themselves and their families drowning in debt.Savers can be so aggressive in their efforts to save money that they can robthemselvesandeveryonearoundthemofthejoythatcomesfromlivinglifetothefullest.RiskTakerscanberecklessandSecuritySeekerscanbesofixatedonthefuturethattheyneverenjoythepresent.Flyerscanfindthemselvesworkingfor thirty years and having nothing to show for it—no house, no savings—nothing.Your SecondaryMoney Personality works as a kind of stopgap that keeps

yourPrimaryMoneyPersonalityfromrunningamok,andviceversa.TakeMatt,ourSpender/ SecuritySeeker.Matt’sSecondaryMoneyPersonality keeps himfocused on the future. When he spends more than he planned to on newelectronicgear,hisSecuritySeekersidekicksinandhelpshimgetbackontracksothatwhenthecarbreaksdown—becauseitwill—he’llbereadyforit.Atthesametime,Matt’sSpenderMoneyPersonalityhelpsMattkeepaneye

on thehere andnow.Matt’s not soworried about tomorrow that he forgets toenjoy today, even when that means spending some money to make thatenjoymenthappen.HisOppositeDynamicworkstohisadvantage.IfwelookatClaire,wecanseethatherOppositeDynamiccanbeanassetas

well.She’saSaver,somethingthatcanbea lifesaverforaFlyer.Flyersaren’tnecessarilycarelesswithmoney,buttheydon’tthinkaboutitmuch.SoifaFlyerisalsoaSpender,hecanendupinallkindsoffinancialtrouble—unpaidbills,deepdebt,foreclosure.ForClaire,herSaverMoneyPersonalityhelpskeepherfromspendingmoneyshedoesn’thave.Atthesametime,Claire’sFlyerMoneyPersonalitykeepsherSaversidefrom

falling intoa spiralof shameandanxietywhen shedoes spendmore than sheplanned. Claire worried about her new-job shopping spree for amorning and

then she moved on—other things are far more important to Claire than hermoney.If you have the Opposite Dynamic between your Primary and Secondary

MoneyPersonalities, itmight takea little thinking toseehowyourconflictingwaysofthinkingcanactuallyhelpcreatebalanceinyourlife.Butonceyoustartto see how the two work together, you’ll be moving toward a betterunderstandingoftheroleyouplayinbuildingastrongMoneyRelationshipwithyourspouse.Inthenexttwochapters,we’regoingtomovefromtalkingabouteachofyou

as individuals todealingwith thewayyourMoneyPersonalitiescombineasacouple.That’swhy it’s so important to knowyourselfwell beforemovingon.Wewant you to know and ownboth the good and the not-so-good aspects ofyourMoneyPersonality,aswellasunderstandhowtheOppositeDynamicplaysoutinthedecisionsyoumakeaboutmoney.

MAKEITHAPPEN

ThinkofthreeexamplesoftimesyourPrimaryand

SecondaryMoneyPersonalitieshaveworkedtogetherina

positiveway.IfyouhavetheOppositeDynamic,thinkabout

waysyourPrimaryandSecondaryMoneyPersonalities

balanceeachotherout.

E

5TheBigReveal:TheFiveMoney

PersonalitiesTogether

very couple we know argues about money—including us. Money has animpactoneverydecisionyoumake,so itonlymakessense thatsomeof thosedecisionswill leadtofightsaboutmoney.Foralotofcouples, thosefightsgetpersonal—“You spend too much!” “You’re cheap!” “You’re too controllingabout themoney!” “Idon’t trustyouwithourmoney!” It’snowondermoneyconflictsarebehindmorethan70percentofthedivorcesinthiscountry.There’s also something deeply personal aboutmoney fights.Whenwe first

startedhelpingcoupleswiththeirMoneyRelationships,wekneweveryonehadaMoneyPersonality.Weknewcouplesarguedaboutmoney.Butwedidn’trealizehow hurtful those arguments could be. In the last ten years of working withcouples, we’ve come to see that there is something about a person’s MoneyPersonalitythatrunsintothecoreofwhothatpersonis.YourMoneyPersonalityispartofthelensthroughwhichyouviewlife.Sowhensomeonecriticizesthatview,itfeelsdeeplypersonal.That’swhywe’regoingtospendthenextcoupleofchaptershelpingyouand

your spouse discover each other’sMoney Personalities.We believe thatwhenyoutrulyunderstandeachotherandyourperspectivesonmoney,youcanstopblaming each other, stop criticizing each other, and start working together tobuildahealthyMoneyRelationship.

TakeafreeMoneyPersonalityProfileatTheMoneyCouple.com.

Before we move on, we want to make sure you and your spouse haveidentifiedyourPrimaryandSecondaryMoneyPersonalities.Obviously,it’sbestifbothofyouarereadingthisbook,but ifyou’rereadingitonyourown,youcanstillgetyourspouseinvolved.Here’swhatnottodo:donotguessyourspouse’sMoneyPersonality.Yes,it

mightbeobviousthatyourhoney,whobuysanewpairofshoeseverytimehegoestothemall,isaSpender,butlethimfigurethatoutforhimself.Anddonottell your spouse you already know exactlywhatMoney Personality she’s got.Shemightkeephermoneystuffedinagrocerybagatthebackofhercloset,butdon’t tellher she’saSecuritySeeker.Letherdiscover itonherown.Nothingfeelsworsethanhavingsomeoneelsedecidewhoyouare.TheonlywaytobuildasolidMoneyRelationshipisforbothofyoutoknow

andownyourMoneyPersonalities,andthatcan’thappenunlessyoubothtakethe time to understand your perspectives. So instead of ending up in a thirty-minutefight,sendyourspousetoourwebsite(TheMoneyCouple.com)totakeaten-minutequizanddiscoverhisorherMoneyPersonality.Thenyou’rereadytokeepreading!

ACrowdedMarriageOnceyouandyourspousehaveidentifiedyourPrimaryandSecondaryMoneyPersonalities,takeaminutetowritethemoutandmakealittlechart.We’lluseourselvesasanexampletoshowyouwhatwemean:

Nowtakeaminuteandreallylookatyourchart.

Can you see it? It’s your Money Relationship in a nutshell. Seeing yourMoneyPersonalitieslaidoutlikethisisarevelation,amajorwowmoment.Forthefirsttime,youcanseewhythoselittledisagreementsaboutmoneyseemtoturnintomajorarguments.LookatallthoseMoneyPersonalitiesatwork!ThischartisakindofmapforyourMoneyRelationship.Itshowsyouwhat

you’re dealing with.We’ve known about ourMoney Personalities for a longtime, but the first timewewrote themout like this, itwas a hugemoment ofdiscovery.We’dneverreallythoughtaboutthefactthattherearethreedifferentMoney Personalities at work in our relationship, and that at any given time,thosethreearebumpingintoeachotherinwayswehadneverunderstoodbefore.Sometimes we’re the Spender and the Risk Taker. Sometimes we’re the

SpenderandtheSecuritySeeker.Andsometimeswe’retheSecuritySeekerandtheRiskTaker.NowthatyouknowabitaboutthefiveMoneyPersonalities,youcanprobablyguesswherewerunintopotentialconflict.WecangoshoppingforChristmas gifts for our boys and have a blast—our Spender sides get alonggreat!Butontheridehome,Scott’sSecuritySeekercomesrisingupandstartstofreakoutaboutthemoneywe’vedropped.Ifitsoundsasthoughwehavemultiplepersonalitiesinourhouse,wedo.And

sodoyou.We’vespokenwiththousandsofcouplesandwehaveyettomeetonewherebothspouseshavethesamePrimaryandSecondaryMoneyPersonalities.Whenitcomestomoney,oppositesreallydoattract.Naturally,thatcancreatetensioninarelationship.Andwe’lllookatthatmore

closelyinthenextchapter.Butfornow,wewantyoutojustsitwiththisideaofmultiple Money Personalities. Think about the implications for yourrelationship. Sure, there is potential for conflict. But there is also tremendous

potentialformaximizingthestrengthsofyourvariousMoneyPersonalities,notjustintermsofyourfinancesbutinyourrelationshipingeneral.

LearningtheLanguageKnowingyourMoneyPersonalitygivesyouhugeinsightintowhyyouthinkthewayyoudoaboutmoney.Knowingyourspouse’sMoneyPersonalitygivesyouhuge insight into your spouse. And isn’t that what makes relationships hum?Knowingeachotherandreallygettingwhatmakestheotherpersontick?That’s why there’s more to your Money Relationship than your financial

plans.Everytimeyoumakeadecision,you’rebringingyourperspectiveonlifetothetable.Andnothingfeelsbetterthanmakingdecisionswithsomeonewhounderstandsandrespectsyourperspective.If you’ve ever traveled someplace where the locals don’t speak the same

language as you do, you know how frustrating it can be to try to bridge thelanguagebarrier.Butwhenyoufinallyfindsomeonewhospeaksyourlanguage,it’ssucharelief!Youfeelheardandunderstood.Thesame thinghappenswhenyouandyourspouseunderstandeachother’s

Money Personalities. It’s as though you’ve learned how to speak the samelanguage.And speakingyour spouse’s language is a greatway todemonstrateyour love and respect. Scott knows I’m alwayswilling to take riskswith ourmoney. I know those risky decisionsmake him nervous. But when I tell himabout apotential investment andhe says, “Let’s go for it!” he is speakingmylanguage.Anditmeanstheworldtome.Ittookusalongtimetogettothepointwhereweunderstoodeachotherwell

enough to really listen when the other person expressed fear or anxiety orfrustrationabouta financialdecision.Butgetting toknoweachother thiswayhasaddedawholenewleveloftrustandclosenesstoourrelationship.Thesamecanhappenforyou.

WalkaMileIfyou’restrugglingtounderstandyourspouse’sMoneyPersonality,wewanttosuggestasimple—andmaybeevenfun—exercise.Takeadayandtrytoliveoutyour spouse’s Money Personality. No being snarky here—“Hey, look at me,spendingallthemoneywedon’thavebecauseI’maSpender!”No,thishasto

beanhonestattempttolearnsomethingnewaboutthispersonyoumarried.Sosomeweekendsoon,chooseyourdays—oneofyougetsSaturday,oneof

yougetsSunday.Thengoaboutyourday,buthavetheassignedpersontalkoutloudaboutthemoneydecisionsheorsheismaking.Let’slookatacouplewhereoneofthemisaSpenderandoneisaSaver.OnSaturday,they’rebothgoingtoliveliketheSpender.Here’showthatdaymightlook:Theywakeupandgetdressedfortheday.TheSpenderlooksinhisclosetand

says, “Okay, sowhen I lookatmyclothes, I seeabunchof stuff I’m tiredofwearing. I like to feel good about how I look, somy first thoughtwhen I getdressedisthatIcouldreallyusesomenewshirts.AndthenIthinkaboutwhenIcouldgoshoppingtogetthem.”The Saver’s heart is starting to race at the idea that her spouse is already

thinking about spending money and they haven’t even left the bedroom! ButbecausethiscoupleiscommittedtounderstandingeachotherandhealingtheirMoneyRelationship,shesitsontheedgeofthebedandlistens.Shemightevensay—as kindly as possible—“Wow, honey, I had no idea you started thinkingaboutspendingmoneysoearlyintheday.”TheSpenderisthenlikelytosuggestgoingoutforbrunchbecause,well,why

not?Andagain, theSaver’sbloodpressurewill rise.But love isgoing to takeoverandshe’sgoingtogowithit.Asthiscouplemovesthroughtheirday,theSpenderisgoingtokeeptalkingaboutwhathe’sthinkingandwhyhe’sthinkingit.AndtheSaverisgoingtolistenanddoeverythingshecantolearnaboutherbeloved’sperspective.On Sunday it’s the Saver’s turn. So when this couple wakes up, the Saver

mightsay,“It’skindofcold inhere,but I like thatbecause it remindsmethatwe’redoingagoodjobkeepingourheatingbillslowerthanlastyear.Andthatfeels good to me.” Now it’s the Spender’s turn to keep his lips zipped anddiscovertheinnerworkingsofhisspouse’sMoneyPersonality.As they go through the morning, this couple makes more decisions that

involvemoney:Willtheygrabcoffeeonthewaytochurch?Howmuchshouldtheyputinthecollectionplate?Theyouthgroupishavingabakesaletoraisemoneyfor theirmission trip.Will thiscouplebuysomebrowniesornot?AndtheSaverisgoingtotalkherhoneythroughherthoughtprocessoneveryoneofthesechoices.Bylunchtime,theSpenderhusbandisgoingtobeamazedathowheavilymoneydecisionsweighonhisSaverwife.Wewant to be clear:we’re not telling you to goout and spendmoneyyou

don’thaveortogiveyourspousefreereintodestroyyourfinancesinaday.Ifyou’drathermakehypotheticaldecisions, that’sfine.Youcouldsaysomethinglike,“Ifwewent intoyourfavoritestorerightnow,whatwouldyoudofirst?”Thepointofthisexerciseistobuildunderstandingandevenabitofrespectforyourspouse’sMoneyPersonality,andyoucandothatwithoutspendingacent.For so many couples, their Money Relationship is a tangle of false

assumptions,oldresentments,andconstantblame.Attherootofallofthatisamisunderstandingofwhotheotherpersonisandwhyshebehavesthewayshedoes.Butwhen these couples discover theirMoneyPersonalities and take thetime to really understand eachother, theybegin to seepast those assumptionsandresentments.Andthat’swhentheycanseewhat’sreallyhappeningintheirMoneyRelationship.

SeeingWhat’sRealThat chart you filled out earlier in this chapter?We call it the “Big Reveal”because it uncovers the underlying dynamics at work in your MoneyRelationship. It’s easy to use this information to start placing blame andcriticizing your spouse.When we speak to large groups of couples and havethemdotheBigReveal,weseemostofthemexchangealookthatsays,Nowweknowwho’scausingtheproblems.It’syou!Butwewantyoutoflipthatideaonitshead.Insteadofusingthisinformation

as aweapon to blame your spouse, use it as a tool to rebuild a betterMoneyRelationship.Useittodealwiththerealitiesinyourrelationshipinsteadoftheassumptions and labels and fears in your relationship.When you do, you canrepairyearsofpainandrelationaldamage.Fred andHeidi came to one of our seminarswith a long history ofmoney

conflict.Theytoldusthisseminarwastheirlast-ditchefforttosolvetheirmoneyproblemsandavoidgettingadivorce.Yes, thatwasalittlebitofpressure!Wetook them through theMoneyPersonality Profile and found out that they hadfourofthefiveMoneyPersonalitiesintheirrelationship.HeidiwasaSaver/RiskTakerandFredwasaSpender/Flyer.ItturnedoutthatHeidicontrolledtheirfinancesbecauseshewasafraidFred

would spend all their money, money she needed to keep her small businessafloat.SoshehadFredonanallowance.ButFred,ontheotherhand,hadabankaccountHeidididn’tknowabout,one

leftoverfromhisbachelordays.Hedidn’treallyintendtouseitoncetheygotmarried,buthenevergotaroundtoclosingit.WhenHeidistartedtalkingabouthowmuchmoneysheneededforherbusiness,FredstartedputtingmoneyinthataccountjusttohavealittlebackupincaseHeidi’splansfellapart.Therewasalotofangerandmistrustinthisrelationship.FredtoldHeidishe

wasacontrolfreak.Heidiwaslividaboutthesecretaccount.WegotthemcalmenoughtotaketheMoneyPersonalityProfile,andwhileitdidn’tsolvealltheirproblems, it did serve as a revelation. It turned out that Fred had deep-seatedfearsthatHeidiwoulduseupalltheirmoney,andHeidiacknowledgedthattheyweren’tsimplyparanoia—herbusinesswasriskyanditwasagoodideatokeepsomeoftheirmoneyoutofit.FredadmittedthathewaswrongnottotrustHeidiwiththeirmoney;shewasasavvybusinesswomanandhadmadethemalotofmoneywithher risky investments. Itwas the insight theyneeded to turn theirrelationshiparound.Ifyouwant to fixyourMoneyRelationship,youhave toknowwhat’s real.

Youhavetobreakoutofthecycleofblameandstartseeingthesituationfromyour spouse’s point of view (see the appendix for The 5Money PersonalitiesSurvivalGuide), and the onlyway to do that is to know each other’sMoneyPersonalities.When you do, you can start to seewhy your spousemakes thedecisions hemakes. You can see theways herMoney Personality has helpedyour family.Youcanappreciate the timeandeffort and thought thatgoes intoyour spouse’s money decisions. And you can start to extend grace to yourspouse.When thathappens,youmight find thatyou’vebegun toheal farmore than

yourMoneyRelationship.Insomeways,allof thisworkis likegoingbacktothoseearlydaysofdating,thedayswhentherewasnooneasfascinatingtoyouas your sweetheart. You wanted to know everything about each other—herfavoriteflower,his favoritekindofsocks, thestorybehind thatscar.Nodetailwastoomundane,nostorytoosilly.Itwasimportantandinterestingbecauseitwaspartofthispersonyouloved.Oncepeoplegetmarried,we tend to stopdiscoveringeachother.Weget to

thatplaceoffamiliarityandforgetthatourspousesaredeepwellsofquirksanddreamsandideasthatarestillworthdiscovering.Solet theworkyou’redoingon your Money Personalities feed your interest in your spouse. Let itreinvigorate your curiosity about this unique and special person youmarried.Evenifhe’sbeendrivingyounutswithhisspending,evenifshe’smakingyoucrazywithhercoupons,trytolookatthepersonbehindthosebehaviorsandfind

thatsweetheartwho,notsolongago,waseverythingtoyou.Atthebeginningofthisbook,wetalkedabouthowimportantitisforcouples

todreamtogether.Weknowhowquicklydaily lifecansteal thosedreamsyouhad when you first got together—dreams about this person you love, dreamsaboutthefutureyou’dbuildtogether,dreamsaboutworkandfamilyandtraveland themark you’dmake on the world. But you can get those dreams back.UnderstandingyourMoneyPersonalitiesislikeadepositinthedreambank.It’sa solid step forward on the road to a betterMoney Relationship and a bettermarriage.

MAKEITHAPPEN

Overthenextweek,trytomakethreedecisionsaboutmoneyasthoughyouhadyourspouse’sMoneyPersonality(eitherthePrimaryorSecondaryone).Overdinner,talkaboutwhatyoulearnedduringthis

experiment.

K

6OppositesAttract

arenandJamal starteddatingwhen theywere in their late twenties. Jamalhad a great job with a law firm and Karen was in grad school. Karen lovedJamal’ssenseofadventure,hisfreespirit,andhisgenerousheart.Hewouldtreattotalstrangerstocoffeeonhismorningjavarun.Hespentalmosteveryweekendhikingorexploringanewplace.Andhe loved tosurpriseKarenwithgifts—ascarf he knew she’d had her eye on, flowers in the middle of winter, andeventually,astunningdiamondengagementring.Jamal lovedKaren’s senseof purpose, her drive tomake theworld a better

place.Sheworkedhardandfocused intenselyoneverythingshedid.Helovedhercommitmenttoherfriends,herfamily,andherwork.Helovedthatshehadbigideasaboutherfuture,andhewantedtobepartofthoseplans.Shewaslikeasteadyshipinhissometimeschaoticlife.Everythingwasgreat.Andthentheygotmarried.Itwasn’t longbeforeJamalandKaren found themselveswithverydifferent

ideas about how to handle their money. Jamal wanted to take Karen on apostgraduationtriptoIndia.Hethoughtitwouldbeagreatwaytocelebrateheraccomplishments.Karenknewitwouldbeonlyafewmonthsbeforeshehadtostartpayingherstudentloans,andshewantedthemtostartsavingmoneynowsotheycouldpaythoseloansoffinthreeyears.They were only a fewmonths into their marriage when they hit a wall of

misunderstandingandblame.KarenthoughtJamalwaslivingindreamlandandheneededtostartbeingmoreresponsiblewiththeirmoney.JamalthoughtKarenwasastick-in-the-mudwhoworriedtoomuchaboutmoney.LindaandTedhadbeenmarriedfornearlythirty-fiveyearswhentheirMoney

Relationshipexploded.Formostof theirmarriage,TedhadworkedandLindahadstayedhomewiththeirthreekids.Lindawasn’tinterestedintheirfinances;theyhadeverythingtheyneededandmore,andthatwasallsheneededtoknow.

TedandLindahadbeenhighschoolsweethearts.Theygotmarriedwhentheywere both twenty and essentially grew up together. They had highly definedrolesintheirrelationship,andtheybothlikeditthatway.Fromthedayshemethim,LindalovedTed’sstrengthandthewayhetookcareofherand,eventually,theirchildren.Hewaskind,decisive,andsmart,buthealsohadjustenoughofawildside tomakeeverydaywithhimanadventure.Hetaughtherhowtoski,how to fish, how to build a fire, how to shoot a basket. He made her feelprotected,caredfor,andloved.Ted was attracted to Linda from the get-go. She was sweet, funny, and

thoughtful.Whentheywereteenagers,she’dbakehimcookies,cheerforhimatbasketballgames,andlistenpatientlywhenhewasdisappointedinagradeoragame.Hecouldbealittlewildsometimes,butLindahelpedhimfeelgrown-upandsmart.Sheseemedtoseethebestinhim,andthatfeltgreat.WhileTedwasincollege,Lindaworkedthreedifferentjobstohelpkeepthem

afloat.Once he graduated, he promised her she’d never have towork anotherdayinherlife,andhe’dmadesuretokeepthatpromisebytakingasecurejobwithaninsuranceagency,onewhereheknewhecouldmakeagoodlivingandtakecareofhisgrowingfamily.But one afternoon, long after the childrenwere grown and gone, Ted came

homeinthemiddleofthedayandtoldLindahehadsomebadnews.Itturnedout thatTedwasabout tobe fired.Theproblem,he toldher, is thathehadn’tbeenhonestwith her about their finances.Hehad tapped into their retirementaccountyearsearlier tohelppayoff theirmountingdebt.He’dhoped toworkanothertenyearstomakeupthedifference,butnowhedidn’tknowwhattodo.Hedidn’tknow ifhewouldbeable to findanother job, certainlynotone thatpaidwhathe’dbeenmaking.And theydidn’thave thesavings theyneeded toweatheraseasonofunemployment.Needlesstosay,Lindawasstunned.Astheytalked,Tedcamecleanabouthis

mistakeswiththeirmoney,mistakesthathadleftthemindangeroflosingtheirhouseandnearlyeverythingLindathoughtwassafeandsecure.Afterherinitialshockworeoff,Lindawas,understandably,livid.Howcould

hekeepthisfromher?Whydidn’theincludeherinthesedecisions?Whydidhewaituntilitwastoolatetocometoher?Tedconfessedthathe’dnevertoldherabout anyof this becausehedidn’twant toworryher.Heknew she’d trustedhimtotakecareofherandinsteadhe’ddestroyedtheirlives.We hear stories like this all the time. Two peoplemeet and fall in love. In

thoseearlydays, theirdifferencesarewhatbring themtogether.Butonce they

have a few years and awhole lot ofmoney decisions under their belts, thosequalitiesthatweresoattractivewhentheyweredatinghavebecomeasourceofconflict inmarriage.Sometimes it’s an obvious clash, as itwas for Jamal andKaren.Andsometimesit’slurkingjustbeneaththesurface,onlytoeruptlikeitdidforLindaandTed.Wehavefoundthatroughly90percentofthecouplesweworkwithhavean

OppositeDynamic in their relationship.Thatdoesn’t surpriseus abit.There’ssomething subconscious in the way we are drawn to the opposite MoneyPersonality.Werecognizethatthisotherpersonwilladdsomethingimportanttoourlives.ASecuritySeekermightbedrawntotheRiskTakerbecausetheRiskTakerbringsthethrilloftheunknownintotheSecuritySeeker’spredictablelife.ASpendermightbedrawntoaSaver’ssenseof responsibilityandstability.ASavermightbedrawntoaFlyer’sgenerosity.Whateveritis,itseemsthatwhenitcomestoMoneyPersonalities,theoldadageisright:oppositesattract.

BringBacktheAttractionAstrongmarriage is only possiblewhen couples reclaim that attraction,whentheystopseeingthedownsidesoftheirdifferencesandstartlovingthewaytheycomplementeachother.But thatcan’thappenuntilyou takeanhonest lookathowyourMoneyPersonalitiesaffectyourMoneyRelationship.RemembertheOppositeDynamicfromchapter4?Ononesideofthescalewe

havetheSpender,theRiskTaker,andtheFlyer.Ontheother,wehavetheSaverandtheSecuritySeeker.

Many of us have the Opposite Dynamic in ourselves. Our PrimaryMoneyPersonalityisononesideofthescaleandourSecondaryMoneyPersonalityisontheotherside.Thesamethinghappensincouples.ThevastmajorityofthecouplesweworkwithhavetheOppositeDynamicin

theirrelationship,andit’softenthatOppositeDynamicthatcausesconflict.TakeJoeandAnn,forexample.IntheBigReveal,theirMoneyPersonalitieslayoutlikethis:

They have four of the five Money Personalities at work in their MoneyRelationship.That’salotofpotentialcollisions.For the most part, Joe and Ann have a strong relationship. But the little

differences between them are starting to add up to increased tension in theirmarriage. That’s because every decision they make involves their competingMoneyPersonalities.

•Annwantstogoskiingovertheholidaybreak.Joeiscontenttostayhomeandhaveastaycation.•Annwants to try out a new restaurant. Joewants to stickwith the valuemenuattheirneighborhoodburgerplace.• Joe is thinking about starting a small business.Ann is scared they’ll losetheirhard-earnedsavings.

The Opposite Dynamic in Ann and Joe’s relationship means they see theworldthroughverydifferentlenses.Andthedifferencesarewearingthemdownasacouple.Becauseeverycouplehasasmanyas fourMoneyPersonalitiesatwork, the

Opposite Dynamic adds an interesting layer of complexity to your MoneyRelationship.Sowe’veput togetherasimplewaytofigureout justhowmanyOppositeDynamicsyouhaveinyourrelationship.Onceyouknowtheanswer,you’llbeabletoseejustwherethetensionmightbecomingfrominaconflictaboutmoney.Here’showtofigureitout:

1.GobacktotheresultsofyourBigRevealinchapter5.

2.Startinginthetopleftcornerandmovingclockwise,counteveryinstanceoftheOppositeDynamic.

SoAnnandJoe’sOppositeDynamicswouldlooklikethis:

As you can see, Ann and Joe have four Opposite Dynamics in theirrelationship:BetweenSpenderandSaver=1BetweenSaverandRiskTaker=1BetweenRiskTakerandSecuritySeeker=1BetweenSecuritySeekerandSpender=1Total:4There’snorightorwrongnumberofOppositeDynamics.Wehavetwoinour

relationshipanditdoesn’tmakeusanymoreorlesspronetoconflictthanothercouples.Whatmatters isn’t the number but your awareness of these potential

areasofdisagreementandmisunderstanding.Knowingwhereyou see thingsabitdifferentlycangoalongwaytowardhelpingyoumakemoneydecisionswithcareandkindness.OnceJoeandAnndiscoveredthattheyhavefourOppositeDynamicsintheir

marriage,theycouldseethattheirargumentsaboutmoneyweren’treallyaboutmoney at all. Their argument aboutwhere to go on vacationwasn’t about themeritsofskiingversusthejoysofstayinghome.ItwasaboutAnnwantingtodosomething fun and Joe feeling that they couldn’t afford to take an expensivevacationrightnow.Oncetheygottotheheartofthematter,Joeagreeditwouldbenice to get out of townbut suggested aweek at a cabin a fewhours awaywheretheycouldcross-countryskiforhalfthepriceofatriptothemountains.Annlovedtheidea.Joesetabudget,andtheydidsomeresearchandfoundtheperfectplace.Choosing a restaurant stopped turning into a fight andbecame a chance for

themtobreaksomebadhabits. Insteadofgoingout toeatbecausetheydidn’tfeel like cooking, theydecided to splurgeon a coupleofgreatmeals amonthratherthaneatingatthemostconvenientplacetwiceaweek.SoAnn’sSpenderMoneyPersonalitygottoindulgeabitwhileJoe’sSavercouldfeelgoodaboutreducing their eating-out expenses. And with the option of a quick bite at arestaurant off the table, they discovered that they liked making simple mealstogether athome.AsaRiskTaker, Joe loved to trynew recipes andAnnwashappytobehisguineapig.ThesmallbusinessJoehopedtostarthadbeenarealpointofcontentionfor

these two. ItpushedallofAnn’sSecuritySeekerbuttons,andfora long time,she was not willing to budge on her refusal to free up money for this riskyendeavor.Butafter talking through theirOppositeDynamics,Anndecidedshewaswillingtokeeptalkingaboutit.Itwasstilltoobigaleapforhertojustsayyes,butshenolongerrefusedtoconsiderthepossibility.ForJoeandAnn,beingabletomovethisconversationfromthe“toohottohandle”categoryofmaritaldecisions to the “let’s keep talking it through” categorywas a huge step in apositivedirection.SeeingthewaystheOppositeDynamicplaysoutinyourmarriageisn’tafree

tickettonomoreconflict.It’sawaytorecognizethatthoseconflictsdon’thaveto get personal or painful. You can address problems as partners, not asadversaries, becauseyouknow that theotherperson is comingat theproblemfromalegitimateperspectivethat justhappenstobedifferentfromyours.Andwhen you know that, you canwork through problemswith respect and a true

desiretofindmiddleground.We’re often asked if there is a Money Personality combination that just

doesn’twork.Theanswerisno.ThedifferencesinyourMoneyPersonalitiesareneverinsurmountable,notifyou’rebothcommittedtounderstandingeachotherand respecting each other and willing to remember what it was about thosedifferencesthatattractedyouinthefirstplace.Itisn’tthedifferencesbetweenyouandyourspousethatcreatetensioninyour

MoneyRelationship. It’s thenitpicking, the controlling, and the assuming thatcauseproblems.Thegoodnewsisthatyoucanchangethat.Youcanchangethewayyoutalktoeachotherandthewayyoumakedecisions.It’sallaboutfindingthestrengthsofyourMoneyRelationship.

StrongerTogetherJust as your personal Opposite Dynamic helps you keep your MoneyPersonalitiesincheck,theOppositeDynamicinyourrelationshipcanbeahugeadvantage.BethanyandIhavetheOppositeDynamicinourSecondaryMoneyPersonalities—she’saRiskTakerandI’maSecuritySeeker.That’swhyIhaveapaperbagnexttoourbed.There’s something about bedtime that gets Bethany’s mind reeling with

possibilities.It’snotunusualforhertoclimbintobedandturntomewiththislookinhereyesthatIknowmeansI’mabouttohearabigidea.Whenshetellsmeshe’sheardaboutanopportunitytoinvestinadoughnutfranchiseinEstonia(IwishIwerekidding),it’stimeformetobreatheintothatpaperbagsoIdon’thyperventilatefromfear.Whentheseconversationscomeup,bothofusarerunningonpureemotion.

Bethany isall excitedbecause there’sadeal in frontofherandshe’s ready tograb hold of it. I’m trying not to freak out and it’s all I can do to just keepbreathing.Butdespiteallthatemotion,wedon’tfightaboutthisstuffanymore—atleastnotveryoften.That’sbecauseweunderstandeachotherandthewayourMoneyPersonalitieswork.I know that Bethany is a Risk Taker and that she gets a thrill out of the

potentialinfrontofher.Thatdoesn’tmeanshe’salreadysoldourhousetobuyadoughnutshopinEstonia.Itjustmeansshe’sexcitedbythepossibility.AndsheknowsthatI’maSecuritySeekerwhogetsnervousaboutstakingourfutureonabreakfast pastry. But she also knows my initial reaction won’t be my only

reaction. Sowe are able to listen to each other, talk through our options, andrespect theotherperson’sneeds.BethanyneedstoknowI’mgoingtohearherout.Ineedtoknowshe’snotgoingtodoanythingwithouthavingmeonboard.What’smore,we’ve learned thatwemake farbetterdecisions together than

either of uswouldmake on his or her own. If Iweren’t there to talk throughtheseideaswithBethany,she’dprobablyownadoughnutstoreineverycityinSiberia.Andifsheweren’ttheretopushmeoutofmycomfortzone,I’dhaveallof our money invested in savings bonds and we’d be living in my parents’basement.It hasn’t been easy for us to get to this point.We’ve had plenty of painful

argumentsaboutmoney.Andwewillprobablyhavethemagain.Buttheyarefarlesslikelytohappennowthatweunderstandhowtheotherpersonthinksaboutmoney.It’ssoeasytothinkofyourspouse’sMoneyPersonalityasagiantNostamped

onyourdreams.TheSpenderfeelshemmedinbytheSaver.TheSaverfeelsoutofcontrolbecauseoftheSpender.TheRiskTakerfeelslimitedandtheSecuritySeeker feels threatened and theFlyer feels controlled.But if you’rewilling toshiftyourperspectiveand seeyourpartner’sMoneyPersonality as anasset inyourMoneyRelationship,you’llfindyourselvesmovingforwardwiththebeliefthatyouarestrongertogetherthanyoucaneverbeonyourown.

MAKEITHAPPEN

ThinkaboutthewaysyourMoneyPersonalitiescombinewithyourspouse’s,andanswer

thesequestions:

•HowmanyOppositeDynamicsdoesyourrelationshiphave?

•WhatchallengesdoyouroppositeMoney

PersonalitiescreateinyourMoneyRelationship?

•WhataresomewaysyoucanuseOppositeDynamicstomakebetterdecisionstogether?

Finally,tellyourspouseonethingyouappreciateabouthisorherMoneyPersonality.

PART2

TheHeartoftheMatter

I

7YourMoneyorYourWife

f all that’sat stake inyourMoneyRelationship isyour financialpicture,wewouldn’t bewriting this book.There are plenty of resources out there to helpyouputtogetherabalancedbudgetorgetoutofdebtorinvestwell.Butweareconvinced that your budget, your debt, and your investments are not the realissues in your relationship. What’s at stake is not your money; it’s yourrelationship.If itwere justabout themoney, itwouldn’thurt somuchwhenyourspouse

saysyou’recheap.Youwouldn’tbesoangrywhenyourspousespendsmoreongroceriesthanyou’dbudgeted.Youwouldn’tfeelsoignoredwhenyourspousestartsabusinesseventhoughtheriskscaresyoutodeath.Butitdoeshurtandwedogetangryandwedofeelignored.Becauseit’snot

aboutthemoney.Weworkedwithacouplewhohadagreatplanforsavingmoney.Theyeach

hadasmallcookietinontopofthefridge.Theideawasthatthey’dputalittlespendingmoney in their tins eachweek—a buck or two here and there—andtheygottouseithowevertheywanted.Soshehadhertinandhehadhistin.Thehusbandwasagolferandhehadhiseyeonahighenddriver.Hesaved

his spendingmoney formonths tobuy thisgolfclub.Finally,heknewhehadenoughtomakethepurchase.Sothatweekend,hepulledhistindownfromthefridge,openeditup,andfound...nothing.Itwasempty.He went to his wife and asked her if she knew what had happened to his

money.Shesaid,“Oh,Iusedit.”Hedidn’tevenhavethewordstoaskherwhatshe’dused it for. Itdidn’tmatterwhatheranswerwas. Itdidn’tmatter thathecouldsavehismoneyagainandgethisdriverinafewmonths.Hetoldus,“Ifeltlikeshe’dcheatedonme.”Itwasn’tthelossofthemoneythathurt.Itwastheloss of trust in his wife that left him devastated. They’d had a deal, and sheignoredit—andhim.That’swhathurt.

This was the story that convinced us that there is something profoundlypainful about the ways in which couples hurt each other when it comes tomoney.It’sseriousenoughthatwestartedcallingthiskindofbehaviorfinancialinfidelity.

AreYouCheating?Weusethetermfinancialinfidelitytorefertoahostofmoney-relatedbehavior:lyingaboutmoney,hidingmoney,secretlyhoardingmoney,controllingmoney,oranythingthatinvolvesonespousebeinglessthanhonestwiththeother.We have yet to meet a couple who has no financial infidelity in their

relationship—we have it, you have it, we all have it. While we hear lots ofstoriesof terrible,blatant financial infidelity, it isn’talways intentional. It isn’talways a huge, devastating secret. Some financial infidelity is relativelyinnocent.Andsometimesitdoesn’t involvemuchmoney.Maybeyoutellyourspouse

youspent“about fiftybucks”onabirthdaypresent foryourmotherwhenyoureallyspent$75.Thatmightnotseemlikeabigdeal,andmaybefromapurelyfinancialperspectiveitisn’t,butit’sstillfinancialinfidelity.Financialinfidelityisfarmorepervasiveandcomplexthanweoncethought.

We’vefoundthat65percentofwomenhaveasecretcreditcardorasecretstashofcash.Nowbeforeanyofyouguysstartgettingsuspiciousofyourwives,youneedtohear thenextpart.Themajorityof thesewomensaidtheysetuptheseaccountsbecausetheywereconcernedabouttheirfamilies’finances.Theydidn’ttrusttheirhusbandstomakegoodfinancialdecisionsfortheirfamilies.Stillwanttoaskyourwifeaboutit?Financial infidelity, like sexual infidelity, usually starts out with a small

breachoftrust.It’sliketheofficeaffairthatstartswithconversationsaroundthewatercooler,thenturnsintolunch,thenturnsintodinner,thenturnsintoasexualrelationship.Financialinfidelitycanstartoutsmallandsnowball.Yousayyou’regoingto

spend$100andyouspend$200.Youkeepa littlesecret stashofcash inyourunderweardrawer,astashthatgoesfrom$50to$100to$500to$5,000,andyounevertellyourspouseaboutit.But some financial infidelity, the kind that does the most damage in a

relationship,ismeanttobehurtful.It’sthesecretcreditcards,theintentionallies

aboutspending, the totalcontrolover thefinances, thehiddenaccounts.That’sthestuffthatpushesmarriagestothebrinkofdivorce—andbeyond.

It’sNottheMoneyTheemotional tolloffinancial infidelityisfarmoredevastatingthanthetoll ittakesonyourmoney.Youcanfigureouthowtorecoverfromoverspending.Youcan find a way to get some money put away for retirement. You can workthrough almost anymoney problem.But it takes awhole other kind of repairworktorecoverfromthelossoftrustthatcomesfromfinancialinfidelity.We know a couple who ended up divorced after the wife discovered her

husbandhadrunguptensofthousandsofdollarsindebtonasecretcreditcard.Butitwasn’tthedebtthatpushedhertoleavehim.Shedidn’tcareaboutthat.Itwasthetotalbreakdownincommunication,intheirpartnership,intrust.It’snotaboutthemoney.It’sabouttherelationship.Financial infidelityhurtsbecause itgoes to theheartofa relationship. It’sa

breachoftrust,asignofindifference,alackofrespect.Andthathurts,nomatterhowmuchmoneyisinvolved.Butwe’veseencoupleshealfromthepainoffinancialinfidelity.We’veseen

them agree to put an end to lies and control and secrets and start over again.We’ve seen couples who were emotionally bankrupt start reinvesting in theirrelationshipand rebuilding thedreamsandplans thatbrought themtogether inthefirstplace.It takespatience,grace,andatremendouscommitmenttobreakoldhabits,butyoucanmakeithappen.There’s a little financial infidelity in every relationship, and in the next

chapterwe’regoingtohelpyouget totherootcausesoffinancial infidelityinyourmarriage.But before you canput an end to it, youneed to knowhow itworkeditswayintoyourMoneyRelationship.We have put together something we call the Financial Relationship Index

(FRI), andyoucan find it atTheMoneyCouple.com.Beforeyou read thenextchapter, use the FRI to measure the amount of financial infidelity in yourrelationship. It’s best if you and your spouse each take it separately and talkabout your scores afteryou’ve finished this book. In other words, you aren’tgoingtorevealyourscorestoeachotherrightnow.You’retakingtheFRIsothateachofyoucangetaclearlookatwhat’sgoingoninyourMoneyRelationship.It’sabsolutelyessentialthatyouarebrutallyhonestontheFRI.Youcan’theal

what’s broken in yourMoney Relationship unless you face it. So answer thequestions honestly.We’re going to give you some suggestions on how to talkthroughyour resultswithyour spouse, sodon’tworryabout thatpart. Instead,takeadeepbreathandgetreadytoputanendto thesecretsandliesandlittledeceptionsthathavethepotentialtodestroyyourMoneyRelationshipandyourmarriage.Andpleasekeepinmindthatyourscoreisn’tasignofhowcloseyouareto

divorce.The fact that you’re on chapter7 of this bookmeans you are seriousabout changing thedirectionof yourMoneyRelationship.But your scorewillgiveyouagoodpictureofwhereyouareandwheretofocusyoureffortsasyouworkthroughtheremainingchapters.

MAKEITHAPPEN

GotoTheMoneyCouple.comandfillouttheFinancial

RelationshipIndex.Doesyourscoresurpriseyou?Aretherethingsyoudothatyouneverthoughtofasinfidelitybefore?Whatcanyoudotobemore

honestinyourMoneyRelationship?

T

8TheRootsofFinancialInfidelity

hepointofuncoveringfinancialinfidelityinyourMoneyRelationshipisn’tto point fingers or place blame. It’s to help you and your spouse understandwhat’sreallyhappeninginyourrelationshipsothatyoucangetridofeverythingthat’sholdingyoubackfromastrong,healthymarriage.InthesamewaythatunderstandingyourMoneyPersonalitieshelpsyouand

yourspousestopassuming theworstabouteachother,understandinghowandwhyfinancialinfidelitycreepsintoarelationshipwillallowyoutonameitanddealwithit.That’showyougetthetrustback.That’showyougrowcloserasacouple.That’showyoureclaimallthosedreamsyouhad.The FRI will give you a score that lets you know how much financial

infidelity exists in your relationship. But it won’t tell you what that financialinfidelityisreallyallaboutorhowtofixit.That’swhatwe’llcoverinthenextfewchapters.Therearefivemainreasonscouplescommitfinancialinfidelity:

1.FinancialSeparation

2.OverspendingandDebt

3.LackofPlanning

4.Control

5.MoneySecrets

Whether you have a lot of financial infidelity or a little, whether it’sintentionaloraccidental,it’scrucialtounderstandwhyithappensandhowyou

cankeepitfromdestroyingyourmarriage.

FinancialSeparationWheneverwe start talking to a group about financial separation as a cause offinancialinfidelity,wealmostalwaysseeahandshootupintheaudience.“Areyousayingit’swrongtohaveseparatecheckingaccounts?”Theanswerisno.Wedon’thaveaproblemwithseparatecheckingaccounts.Thereareplentyof

good reasons tohave them.Maybeyouhaveone forpersonaluseandone forbusinessuse.Oroneforhisexpenses,oneforhers,andoneforboth.Youcanhave twenty-five checking accounts, fifteen credit cards, and four savingsaccountsforallwecare.Itisimportanttobetransparentwithwhatiscominginandwhatisgoingoutofthoseaccounts.Notlongago,wewereintheairport,waitingforaflight.Therewasacouple

wholookedtobeintheirsixtiessittingbehindusatthegate.Theywereinthemiddle of a heated conversation and we couldn’t help but overhear them.Evidently,shehadsomebankaccountthatwasseparatefromhim.Shehadputasignificant amount ofmoney into this account, around $100,000.And hewasfurious.

HIM:Idon’tknowanythingaboutthisbankorthesepeople.Whydidn’tyoujustputitintheotheraccount?

HER:Ididn’tthinkitshouldgothere.Itneededtobeinthisaccount.HIM:ButIdon’tknowthisbankatall.Whoarethesepeople?HER:It’snotaproblem.It’sgoingtobefinethere.HIM:Youdon’tknowthat.Iwanttotalktosomeoneatthisbank.

Themore they talked, themorewecould see that theproblemwas that shehadmadeadecisionwithouthim.Hedidn’thaveanyrealreasonnottotrustthebankshe’dchosen—itwasanationalbranchhe’dlikelyheardof—buthedidn’tlikethatshe’dgoneaheadanddepositedahugeamountoftheirmoneyinanewplacewithout consulting him. Itwasn’twhat she’d done that bothered him. Itwas that she’d done it without him. And that, for him, felt like financialinfidelity.Her reactionssuggested that shewas irritatedathisseeming lackof trust in

herdecision.Shewantedhim to trusther judgment,buthedidn’t.Forher,hisneedtocontrolherdecisionsfeltlikefinancialinfidelity.Wedon’thaveaproblemwithcoupleshavingseparatecheckingaccounts.But

ifyouandyourspousehave them, takeextracare toavoidfinancial infidelity.Thesearrangementscanbeaminefieldofmistrustandmisunderstanding.Nomatterhowmuchmoneyisinyourseparateaccounts,nomatterwhyyou

have them, it’s crucial that you have 100 percent transparency in yourcommunication about those accounts.Both you and your spouse should knowexactlyhowmuchmoneyisgoingintothoseaccountsandhowmuchmoneyisgoingout.Aslongasyou’rebothfullyawareoftheseaccountsandanyfinancialactivitytheyinvolve,theyaren’taproblem.Whatisaproblemisseparationforthesakeofsecrecyorsecurity.Ifyouhave

a separate credit card because you don’t want your spouse to know about it,you’recommittingfinancial infidelity. Ifyouhaveaseparatecheckingaccountbecause you don’t trust your spouse with your money, you’re committingfinancialinfidelity.We find that everyMoneyPersonality canbe tempted tokeep somemoney

separate from the family finances. Savers want to know they have a littlecushion. Spenders like to have a stash that no one else can control. SecuritySeekerswanttoprotecttheirnesteggs.RiskTakerswantliquidfundstheycanaccess quickly.AndFlyers don’tmean to keep theirmoney separate, but theymightforgettheystillhavemoneyinacheckingaccountinthetownwheretheywenttocollege.Inotherwords,allofuscanbesuckedintofinancialinfidelity.Maintainingseparatefinancesislikehavingseparatedatenights.Theymight

beconvenient,buttheydon’thelpyougrowcloserasacouple.Theyareasignthatthere’ssometrustmissingandalackofpartnership.Andwhenthere’salackof trust and cohesiveness in a relationship, financial infidelity is much morelikelytowormitswayin.

OverspendingandDebtSomanycouplesstrugglewithspendinganddebt,especiallythoseofuswhoareSpenders and Risk Takers. We tend to have a sense of entitlement. We tellourselveswedeservethosegolfclubs,thatnewdress,thatboat.Weworkhardandwanttoenjoythefruitsofourlabors.Butdebtcanteararelationshipapart.Weknowcoupleswho,throughnothing

but a couple of spending sprees, found themselves deep in debt only a fewmonthsintotheirmarriages.Andoncethatdebtisthere,otherdreamsflyoutthedoor.Buyahouse?Forget it—their credit rating is shot.Have ababy?Not inthatstudioapartment theycanbarelyafford.Change jobs?Goback toschool?Travel?Notwheneverypennythey’remakingisgoingtothebank.One couple needed furniture for their first apartment and, in the throes of

wedding spending, bought brand-new furniture for their living room (a couch,two chairs, a coffee table, end tables, and lamps), their bedroom (a bed, twodressers, and two nightstands), and dining room (a table, six chairs, and abuffet).When the bill arrived, they were stunned to realize they had accruedseveralthousanddollarsindebttheycouldn’tpay.They’dfiguredthiswashoweverycouplestartedout,butafewconversationswithfriendsshowedthemtheyhadmadeaveryexpensivemistake.Tenyearsintotheirmarriage,theyarestillpaying off that debt, not to mention student loans, car payments, and a fewleftoverweddingexpenses.Theirdreamsofowningahomehavebeenpushedbackandpushedbackandpushedback.Thestressofdebtcanleavecouplesopentofinancialinfidelity.Theyagreeto

cutback,buttheSpendercan’tresistthatnewvideogameorthosecuteshoes.Theyarelivingpaychecktopaycheck,buttheRiskTakerwilluseoneofthosepaychecks as an investment inhisbuddy’snewbusiness.And that’swhen thesecrets start; that’swhen they start lying about their spending, hiding receipts,borrowingmoneytocovertheirmistakes.It’sanugly,viciouscycle.

LackofPlanningWesee this comeup inolder couplesweworkwith, peoplewhoare ready tosendtheirkidstocollegeorarenearingretirement.Theygettothepointwheretheyneedaprettydecentchunkofmoneyandtheyjustdon’thaveit.Rememberthestorywetoldyouatthebeginningofthebookaboutthecouple

whoweregettingadivorce aftermore than fortyyearsofmarriage?Thiswastheirissue.ShewasaSecuritySeekerandhewasaFlyer.Foryearsshe’dbeenanxiousabouttheirretirement,askinghimtoputmoreasideforthefuture.Andheletitgo.Theclosertheygottoretirementage,themoreanxiousshebecameuntilshecouldn’tdealwithitanymoreandshelefthim.Othercouplesfindthemselvescaughtunpreparedforthefutureandgetangry

ateachother.Theystartblamingeachotherandtryingdesperatelytosolvethe

problem.Oneofthemmightselloffacaroreventhehouseinhopesofbringinginmoney.TheRiskTakersmightthrowallthecouple’slifesavingsintoonelast-ditchinvestmentinanefforttocomeupwithmoremoney.TheSecuritySeekerswillbesofreakedouttheywillshutdownemotionally.Thewholerelationshipstartstofallapartfromthestress.Lately, we’ve beenmeetingwith an increasing number of couples who are

struggling to help their kids pay for college. In many cases, they had goodintentionstostartsomesortofsavingsplan,butthoseeighteenyearsflybyandtheyarecaughtwithadifficultchoice:sacrificetheirownfinancialsituationtohelppayforschool,orasktheirkidstotakeoutloansthatwillleavethemwithhuge debt before they have their first job. There is no good solution in thesecases,onlythelesseroftwolousychoices.The desperation of these situations often leads to plenty of accusations and

blame.CarolandNeilwill send theiroldestdaughteroff tocollege inanotheryear,andCarol ispanicked.Theyhaven’tsavedadimeforhereducation.Sheand Neil talked about creating a college fund when their daughter was inelementaryschool,butNeil thought itwaspointless.Hefigured theirdaughterwas going to have to take out loans nomatter howmuch they saved, so theymightaswellenjoythatmoneywhiletheyhadit.Carolneveragreedwiththisapproach,butshedidn’twanttokeephavingthe

same argument, so eventually she stopped bringing it up. But now that theirdaughterisajuniorinhighschool,she’sgettingnervous.Shehadtopayherwaythroughcollegeanditleftherwithalotofstudentloandebt.Shedoesn’twanttheirdaughter tohave todealwith thatsameburden,andshe’sbeyondmadatNeilfornevertakingthissituationseriously.Sonowshe’stakingmattersintoherownhands.Neildoesn’tknowit,butshe

hasmetwiththeirbanktolookintotakingoutherownloansoshecantakeonthedebt instead.Shehas lookedat theBlueBookvalueof their cars to see iftheycouldfreeupsomemoneybysellingtheirvehiclesandbuyingsomethingcheaper.IfNeilwon’thelpher,she’llhandleitherself.Nowthatit’scrunchtime,Neilfeelsaboutthesamewayhe’salwaysfelt.He’s

countingonloans,grants,andwork-studytopayfortheirdaughter’scollege.Hedoesn’tunderstandwhyCarol is soworkedupabout this.Heknowsplentyofother parentswho put theirmoney into retirement instead of collegewith theideathatitwillbeeasierfortheirkidstopayoffstudentloansnowthanhavetosupporttheiragingparentslater.Hewantshiskidstolearnthatyouhavetoworkfor your education—that it means more when they’ve earned it themselves

insteadofhavingithandedtothembytheirparents.NeilandCarolaredeepintheirfinancialinfidelity.Thelackofplanningten

yearsagohasledCaroltoastateofdesperation,onethathasallthehallmarksoffinancialinfidelity.

ControlIfyouhaveonepersoninyourrelationshipwhocontrolsallthemoney,wecanguaranteetherewillbefinancial infidelity in therelationship.Wehaveaclientwhocalledonedayallfiredup.Hesaid,“Weneedtocomeinandseeyou.Ijustfounda$12,000balanceona credit card thatmywifehad that I didn’t knowabout.I’msomadIdon’tknowwhattodo.”So theycame in.Hewalked in first andhiswifewalked inbehindhim.He

wasallredinthefaceandshewascalmascouldbe.Wesatdownandstartedlooking over the credit card bill. As we looked, we didn’t see the kinds ofexpenses we expect to see on a secret credit card—shopping trips, onlinepurchases, travelexpenses.Instead, itwastrips to thegrocerystore,householdsupplies,schoolsupplies.Weaskedhertoexplainthebilltous.Shewentdownthelistandsaid,“That

wasforextrafoodforabusinessdinnerwehosted.Thatwasforthekids’schoolclothes.Thatwasmy regular grocery run.”Therewasn’t anythingon that billthatshouldn’thavebeencoveredbytheirregularbudget.Soweaskedherwhyshehadasecretcardforthatstuff.Shesaid,“Hedoesn’tgivemeenoughmoneytocoverthesethings.”So we turned to our client and said, “This bill isn’t her problem. It’s your

problem.You’recontrollingthefinancessointenselythatyoudon’tletherspendwhatittakestocareforyourfamily.”Themorewedugintothiscouple’sstory,thecleareritbecamethathewasa

classiccontroller.Hedidn’tbelieveshecouldhandlethefamilyfinances,sohetookcareofeverything.Hedidn’ttrusthertobehonestaboutherspending,sohegaveheranallowancethatlethimkeeptrackofeverycent.Hedidn’ttalktoher about their money, so he had no idea what it really costs to manage ahousehold.Thisisaclassiccaseofonespouseholdingthepursestringssotightlythatthe

other spouse is driven to commit financial infidelity by default. When that’shappening, it’s only amatter of timebefore thatmarriage is over.There is no

trust,norespect,nopartnership.AndunlessthecontrollingspouseiswillingtoletgoandbuildatrueMoneyRelationship,themarriageisdonefor.

MoneySecretsMoneysecretstakeonalifeoftheirown.Oneofourfavoritestoriesinvolvesanunintentionalmoney secret.A client of ours told us about something that hadhappened to him about ten years earlier.He had an opportunity to invest in acompany that hewas really excited about.He told hiswife about it but knewtheydidn’thavethe$10,000heneededtoownashareinthisbusiness.Hiswifelookedathimandsaid,“Waithere.”Sheranintothebedroomand

camebackholdingabrowngrocerybag.Shestartedpullingcashoutofthebag—$10,$50,$1,000.Shehadmorethan$12,000inthisbag.Hewasstunned.“Wheredidyougetthis?”Shesaid,“It’smybramoney.Mymothertaughtmethis.EverytimeIgoto

the store Iwrite a check for $10 extra, put themoney inmy bra and bring ithome.I’vebeendoingitsincewegotmarried.”Ontheonehand,hewas thrilled.Buthewasalsoa littlebothered that they

had never talked about it. All thatmoney, for all those years, and he’d neverknownaboutit.In thatcase, themoneysecretwasaprettygoodone.Butmostof the time,

money secrets are disastrous. They bankrupt families and leave a trail offoreclosures,destroyedcredit,anddeepdebtbehindthem.And,ofcourse,theydestroyrelationships.We’vetoldyouaboutsomeuglyfinancialinfidelityhere.Andthatcanmakeit

easytofeellikehavingafewlittlesecretsnowandthenisnobigdealcomparedtothosecoupleswithyearsofdeceptionorcontrolbehindthem.Buthere’sthething with financial infidelity: even a little bit can create problems in yourrelationship. Just like a single grain of sand in your shoe can create a painfulblisteronyourfoot,atinyactoffinancialinfidelitycanwearawaythetrustandrespectthatarecrucialtoahealthyMoneyRelationship.Imagineaglassjar.Everytimeyoucommitfinancialinfidelity,nomatterhow

intentional or how innocent, no matter how much or how little money isinvolved,it’slikeaddingahandfulofrockstothatjar.Everyhandfulcrowdsoutthegoodstuffthatmakesamarriagework.Thegoodnewsisthatyoucanovercomefinancialinfidelity.Youcanstopit,

rightnow,andmoveforwardbyforgivingeachotherandbuildingnewpatternsinyourMoneyRelationship.Inthenextchapter,we’regoingtoteachyouhowtodumpall those rocks of resentment and anger andmistrust and control andreplacethemwithcommunicationandcooperation.

MAKEITHAPPEN

Identifyoneofthefivecausesoffinancialinfidelitythat

you’veseeninyourmarriage.Nowmakeonecommitmentthatcanhelpyouendthatfinancialinfidelity.For

example,youcandecidetotalkaboutanypurchaseover$100oragreetolookovercreditcard

statementstogethereverymonth.

H

9TheMoneyDump

owareyoudoing?Weknowthat those lastcoupleofchaptersmighthavebeen painful, especially if you have a lot of financial infidelity in yourrelationship.Sobeforewemoveon,wewanttoremindyouofthatcommitmentyoumadeattheverybeginningofthebook.Youbelievedyouhadarelationshipworthsaving.Andthatbeliefmakesallthedifference.Weknowthatnoteveryrelationshipcansurviveliesandsecretsandyearsof

resentment.Butwe also know thatwhen couples arewilling to try somethingnew, to break out of old patterns and learn new skills, they can rebuild theirmarriages.Andthat’swhatthenextfewchaptersareabout.We’regoingtogiveyou three tools that you can use from here on out to get your MoneyRelationshipbackontrackandstartlivingoutthosedreamsyouhadwhenyoumet.AstrongMoneyRelationshipdoesn’tjusthappen.Ittakessomework,butwe

thinktheworkcanbekindoffun.We’vedesignedthesethreetools—theMoneyDump,theMoneyHuddle,andtheStop,Drop,andRollGuidetoFightingFair—to be easy to remember and easy to fit into your busy lives. We’ve alsodesignedthemtobringyouclosertogetherasacouplebyshowingyouhowtocommunicateaboutmoneyinhonest,respectfulways.Before we launch into theMoneyDump, however, wewant to do a quick

recap.Everythingyou’velearnedsofarisgoingtocomeintoplayasyoulearnhow to use these three tools.YourMoneyPersonality, theOppositeDynamic,yourpartner’sMoneyPersonality,andfinancialinfidelitywillallcomeintoplayasyouunpacktheissuesyou’redealingwithasacoupleandfigureoutwhattodoaboutthem.So take a minute to think about your Money Personalities, your spouse’s

MoneyPersonalities,andthechallengesandopportunitiestheycreatewhentheycometogether.Thenthinkaboutthoseareasoffinancialinfidelityyouidentified

in the previous chapters.Consider howyourMoneyPersonalities have playedintothatfinancialinfidelity.Nowyou’rereadyfortheMoneyDump.

GettingItAllOutWhenBethanywasgrowingup, her family took in foster children.Therewasone girl in particular who drove Bethany crazy—and vice versa. Finally,Bethany’smothergottiredoftheconstanttensionbetweenthegirlsandcameupwithabrilliantsolution.Shehadeachofthemwritedowneverythingabouttheother one that bugged her. Then, each had to write down everything sheappreciatedabouttheother.Andthatwasit.For Bethany, the act of writing the list was enough to release some of the

tensionshefeltwithherfostersister.Ithelpedjusttodumpitalloutonapieceofpaper,evenifnothingbetweenthemactuallychanged.That’swhattheMoneyDumpisallabout.It’sachanceforyoutodumpout

allthefearsandworriesandhopesyouhaveforyourMoneyRelationship.It’snotthetimetoripintoyourspouseormakealistofallherwrongdoings.You’renotdumpingonyourspouse.You’redumpingalltheemotionalcrudinsideyouthatisholdingyoubackfromreallyworkingwithyourspouse.The Money Dump is also a way to celebrate the victories in your Money

Relationship,nomatterhowinsignificant theymightseem.It’saway tonamewhat’sworkingsoyoucancapitalizeonyourstrengths.It’sawaytoshowyourspouse thatyounotice thecontributionsshemakes to the family. It’saway totalkaboutwhat’sreallyhappeninginyourMoneyRelationship.Here’showitworks.

Formore“TheDump”resources,gotoTheMoneyCouple.com.

TheMoneyDump

Step1:BeAlone

Startinseparaterooms.GetapieceofpaperandapencilandfindaquietspottodoyourMoneyDump.Beingaloneletsyougetridofanydistractionssoyoucanreallyfocus.Andbeingalonehelpsyoubemorehonest.Youaren’tgoingtoshareeverythingonyourlistwithyourpartner,soyouhavenothingtolosebybeingcompletelyvulnerableinyourlists.Findyourownspaceandletthewordsfly.

Step2:ProsandCons

Make a line down the paper, dividing it into two columns. In one column,writeout all theprosofyourMoneyRelationship:What areyougrateful for?What gives you hope? What’s working? What do you appreciate about yourspouse?Aboutyourself?HowareyourMoneyPersonalitieshelpingyoureachyourdreams?Whatarethosedreams?HowdoyoufeelaboutyourFRIscore?Intheothercolumn,listyourcons.Remember,thisisn’tmeanttobecomealistofallthewaysyourspousehasmessedupyourfinances.It’sawaytolayoutallstressors,thefears,thechallengesyouseeinyourMoneyRelationship.Here’swhatourfriendHannah’slistlookedlike:

PROS CONS

Wehaveahouse. Weneverdoanythingfunbecauseitcoststoomuch.

Wehavejobs. IfeellikeIcan’tspendmoneywithoutJerry’spermission.

Wehavealittlemoneyinsavings. Ihatemyjobbutcan’taffordtoquit.

Wearegoodatbuyingthingsonsale. Ourmortgageistoohigh.

Wedon’tgooutmuch,sothatsavesmoney.

Wedon’thaveenoughsavedforretirementandtime’srunningout.

Jerryisgoodwithmoney. Wehaven’tgoneonvacationinfiveyears.

Wepaidoffourstudentloans. Jerryworkstoomuchovertime.

Wedon’thavemuchdebtexceptourmortgageandacarpayment. Wefightaboutmoneyalot.

Wecanusuallybuythekidsthethingstheyneedforschool. WehavetheOppositeDynamic.

I’magoodbargainhunter. Iwanttohelpmyparentsoutbutwecan’taffordit.

WeknowourMoneyPersonalities:I’maSaver/SecuritySeeker;JerryisaSaver/Flyer.

IgetstressedoutduringtheholidaysandbirthdaysbecauseIhatespendingmoneyongiftspeopledon’tneed.

Wedon’thavealotoffinancialinfidelity.

Wetrusteachother.

Step3:CircleOneCon

Choose the one con that’s creating themost tension in your relationship. Ifthere’s an issue that’s been bugging you and you just haven’t known how tobringitup,thisisyourchance.You’llbesharingthisconwithyourspouse,somakesureyoufindawaytotalkaboutitthatdoesn’tplacealltheblameatyourspouse’sfeet.Here’sHannah’scon:

Step4:GetTogether

Sitdownatthekitchentableoronthelivingroomcouchandlookeachotherintheeyes.Youaredoingsomethingsoimportantforyourrelationship,andwewantyoutotakeamomenttolookateachotherandrememberthatyouareinthistogether.

Step5:ReadYourListofProsOutLoud

Whenwedo theMoneyDumpwithcouples,we lovewatching thisprocessunfold. There was a couple, Dan and Julie, who barely looked at each otherwhen theyarrivedat theseminar.Whenweworked through theMoneyDumpwith them, we weren’t sure what to expect. They were having a hard timecoming upwith pros, sowe suggested they start each itemwith thewords “Iappreciate that . . .”. So Julie started reading her list of pros. She said, “Iappreciate that youwork so hard for our family.”And as soon as she said it,someofthetensionwentoutofhisshoulders.Youcouldseehisdefensesgoingdown.Thenitwashisturn.Hesaid,“Iappreciatethatyouclipcoupons.”Shelookedstunnedandsaid,“Ithoughtyouhatedthat.”Helookedatherandresponded,“Ineversaidthat.”Hershoulderssoftenedasshesaid,“You’reright;youdidn’t.”Theyhadn’tchangedanybehaviorsyet,but theysaweachotherdifferently.

TheysawwhatwasrealintheirMoneyRelationship—asenseofmutualrespectand recognition. That simple conversation breathed life back into theirrelationship.Fortherestoftheseminar,theylookedateachother,talked,evenlaughedasthoughtheyweregettingtoknoweachotherforthefirsttime.

Step6:ShareYourOneCon

Justone.One.Onlyone.One.We’vefoundthatinalotofcases,bothspouseshavethesamecon.Evenifyoudon’t,you’llprobablyfindthatyouhavesimilarideasaboutwhatyouwanttoworkoninyourMoneyRelationship.Doyourbestduring this step to stick with your own feelings about the situation you’rediscussing.Nothinggoodwillcomefromblamingtheotherperson.Soifyou’reconcernedthatyourspouseisspendingtoomuch,explainwhythatconcernsyou—“I’mworriedwewon’t have anymoney for retirement and I reallywant totravelwithyousomeday.”Or,“I’dlovetospendourmoneyonthingsthatreallymattertous.”

Step7:CommitforNinetyDays

Committoworkingonbothofyourconsforthenextninetydays.Theymightnotgetsolved,butyou’llbeworkingonthemtogether.Inthenexttwochapterswe’llexplaintheMoneyHuddle—aregulartimetogettogetherandworkoutaplan fordealingwith thesecons.So fornow, just figureoutwhatyouwant toworkon.That’sit.Itmightnotseemlikemuch,butthinkaboutitlikethis:untilyou started reading this book, you weren’t doing anything to improve yourMoney Relationship. If this is the only thing you do after reading this book,you’llhaveimprovedyourrelationshipbyleapsandbounds.WesuggestdoingaMoneyDumponceayear.That’sit.Justonceayear.In

between,keeptrackofyourconsandcelebrateyourprogress,evenwhenit’sjustalittlestepintherightdirection.Andkeepthinkingupprostoaddtonextyear’slist.You’llbesurprisedathowquicklythatlistgrows.In the next two chapters we’re going to show you how to use theMoney

Huddletokeepthemomentumgoing.

MAKEITHAPPEN

Okay,goaheadanddoyourMoneyDump.Really.You’re

ready.Goodluck!

T

10TheMoneyHuddle

heMoneyDumpisaturningpointforalotofcouples.Formanyofthem,it’sthe first time they’ve gotten all these feelings about theirMoneyRelationshipout.It’sthefirsttimethey’vetakenanhonestlookatwhat’sworking.Andthatfeelsreallygood.There’ssomethingcatharticaboutgettingallthatcrudoutofyoursystem,but

ifyoustopthere,you’remissingoutonthebestpartofrebuildingyourMoneyRelationship.ThathappensintheMoneyHuddle.AMoneyHuddle isa timeyouandyourspousesetaside to talkaboutyour

MoneyRelationship.Inthenextchapterwe’llgiveyouaneasyoutlinetoguideyou throughyourMoneyHuddle.Butbeforewedo that,wewant tohelpyouunderstandwhatthislittlesit-downisreallyabout.

BeingIntentionalThe vast majority of the couples we meet are consumed by worry. They areworriedabouttheirdebt.Theyareworriedabouttheirsavings.They’reworriedaboutthefuture.AndthatworryisabigreasonwhytheirMoneyRelationshipsareamess.Theyaresostressedoutthateventhoselittledecisionsaboutwheretoeatdinnerorwhatkindofcoffeetobuyturnintomajorfights.They think all that worry and stress is about their budget. But it’s not. It’s

about theirMoneyRelationships.Nomatter howmuchdebt youhaveor howlittle money you have saved up, you can have a strong, healthy MoneyRelationship.ButyouhavetoknowhowtoseparatethedetailsofyourbudgetfromthedetailsofyourMoneyRelationship.By now you’ve read enough that you know the difference between your

financesandyourMoneyRelationship.RememberJonellandKai?Wetoldyou

allabouttheirincomeandexpensesanddebt.Thatwastheirfinancialsituation.ItwasnottheirMoneyRelationship.Nowyou’regoing tobe intentionalaboutseparatingyour financial situation fromyourMoneyRelationship.Andyou’regoingtodothatbyusingtheMoneyHuddle.TheMoneyHuddle is not the time to balance your checkbook or pay your

bills.It’snotthetimetogripeatyourspouseabouthowmuchhespentgettingthecardetailedorblameyourspousefornotkeepingallofherreceipts.It’snotthetimetolookoveryourretirementplansortalkthroughpotentialinvestments.In otherwords, theMoneyHuddle is not the time to dealwith your financialsituation.Instead, the Money Huddle is a time to reconnect, to build trust, to work

togethertoassessthepresentanddreamaboutthefuture.Itwouldbegreat ifconversationslikethis justhappenedspontaneously.But

formostofus,therejustisn’ttimetofocusontheemotionalsideofourMoneyRelationships.Soinsteadweyellorblameorget irritatedandstew.Andthat’showourMoneyRelationshipsgetofftrack.You’vedonealotofhardworktogetthisfar.Nowit’stimetotakeadvantage

of how far you’ve come and keepmoving forward.When you set aside timeeachmonth to talk through the realitiesofyour financial situation, to tellyourspouse what you need in your Money Relationship, and to dream about thefuturetogether,youcanputanendtofights,stopblamingeachother,andgrowcloserthanyou’vebeeninalongtime.

TheMoneyHuddleDefinedWhenwetalkwithcouplesabouttheMoneyHuddle,theyassumeit’satimetodo their familybookkeeping together. It’snot.We’regoing to repeatourselvesheretomakesurethere’snoconfusion.There’sapracticalsidetoyourMoneyRelationship—managingyourmoney,balancingthebooks,payingthebills.Butforsomanycouples,theirunderstandingoftheMoneyRelationshipstopsthere.Theydon’trealizethattheMoneyRelationshipisreallyabouttheemotionalsideofyourmoneydecisions.ButyourbudgetandyourMoneyRelationshiparenotthesamething.Sowe’vepulledthepracticalsideandtheemotionalsideaparttomakethatdistinctionclearandtohelpyoureallyfocusontheemotionalaspectofyourMoneyRelationship.There are four reasonswhywewant you to keep the practical side and the

emotionalsideofyourMoneyRelationshipseparate.1.ITKEEPSITFROMFEELINGLIKEAMEETING.Inmostrelationships,

there is a “moneyperson,” the onewhobalances the checkbook and pays thebills. If your Money Huddle is all about the practical side of your MoneyRelationship, it’sa fairlyone-sidedaffair. It just isn’t feasibleorenjoyable formost couples to pay their bills together. So let themoney person take care ofthat.YourMoneyHuddlewillbeamajorfailureifitboilsdowntoonepersonholding a meeting while the other one just listens. Instead, this is a time forcompromise,mutualrespect,andjointdecisionmaking.It’satimetolookaheadtogether.2.ITDEFUSESTHETENSION.Mostofusgetalittleanxiouswhenwe’re

payingbillsandlookingoverouraccounts.Soit’snotthebesttimetobringupplans or needs or ideas about how you can strengthen your communication.HavingaseparateMoneyHuddlegivesyoualittleemotionaldistancefromtheimmediatedemandsofyourfinances.3.ITPUTSTHEFOCUSONYOURRELATIONSHIP.Iftheonlytimeyou

talk about yourMoney Relationship is when you’re paying bills, it’s easy tothinkyourbudgetis thedefiningfactorinyourrelationship.Butit’snot.WhatmattersareyourMoneyPersonalities,theimpactoftheOppositeDynamic,andthe financial infidelity that threatens to creep into your relationship. Whatmatters is how you work together to make those never-ending decisions thatinvolvemoney.HavingaseparateMoneyHuddlegivesyouthetimeandmentalspaceyouneedtodealwiththoseissueswell.4.ITKEEPSYOUCLOSEANDCONNECTED.Itmightbehardtoimagine

right now, but we promise that if you stay committed to a monthly MoneyHuddle and use that time to talk through yourMoney Relationship, you willreclaim the intimacy you want in yourmarriage. You will find ways to keepmoney from tearing you apart and instead allow yourMoney Relationship todrawyoutogetherinwaysyou’veonlydreamedabout.

Not long ago,wehad a couple come intoour office.They arrived in separatecarsandhardlylookedateachotherwhilewetalkedwiththem.WeaskedthemtocommittoaMoneyDumpandatleastoneMoneyHuddle.Theyagreedandlefttheofficelookingasmiserableastheyhadwhenthey’dcomein.But a month later, they came back. They held hands while they sat in the

waiting room. They laughed togetherwhen they told us how they’d stumbled

throughtheirfirstMoneyHuddle.Theyfinishedeachother’ssentencesastheytoldusabout thedreams theycameupwithduring theirMoneyHuddle.Theywalkedoutoftheofficesmilingateachotherandexchangedakissortwobeforegettinginthecartogetherandheadinghome.Youmighthaveaslightlylongerroad tosmooching itup in frontofyour financialplanner,butwe’reconfidentthatifyoucommittotheseregular,focused,honesttimesofconversation,you’regoingtogrowcloser.Weknowthat,foralotofcouples,theideaofaddingonemorecommitment

to an already overloaded life feels like too much to ask. So we’ve kept theMoneyHuddlesimple.It’sforty-fiveminutes,onceamonth.Inthenextchapter,we’lllayoutexactlyhowyou’llusethatforty-fiveminutes.Ifyouthinkofthisasan investment inyour relationship, a chance to reclaim the lifeyouused todreamabout,thenthatseemslikeaprettyreasonablepricetopay.

MAKEITHAPPEN

TakesometimetodiscusstogetherwhatyouarelookingforwardtoandwhatfearsyouhaveaboutdoingaMoney

Huddletogether.

I

11BeginwiththeE.N.D.

nhisbestsellingbookThe7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople,StephenCoveysuggeststhatthosewhowanttobesuccessfulinlifeshould“beginwiththeendinmind.”1That’scertainlytruewhenitcomestoyourMoneyRelationship.YouneedtohaveavisionforwhatyourMoneyRelationshipcouldlooklike.

We find that most couples have a fairly simple vision. They want to stopfighting.TheywantaMoneyRelationshipinwhichtheyworktogetherinsteadofbattlingeachother.Theywant tomakedecisionswithoutarguingandsolveproblemswithoutblame.Theywantharmonyinsteadofconflict.Sowhatdoyouwant?Think about that question for a minute. What do you want your Money

Relationship tobe like?Doyouwant tobeequalpartners inmaking financialdecisionsorareyouokaywithhavinga“moneyperson”?Canyouaccept theoccasional argument as long as it doesn’t get nasty and personal? Are youwillingtocutbackonspendingorreduceyoursavingsinordertohaveamorepeacefulMoneyRelationship?Ifyoucometoyour firstMoneyHuddlewithaclearvisionforthefuture,you’regoingtohaveamucheasiertimelisteningtoeachotherandbeingwillingtocompromisethanifyoujustshowupandexpectyourproblemstotakecareofthemselves.ThisiswhereyourMoneyDumpwillcomeinhandy.Remembertheconsyou

identified? They can be your guide to creating a vision for your MoneyRelationship.In the previous chapter,Hannah’s conwas that she and her husband, Jerry,

hadn’tgoneonvacationinfiveyears.That’sabigcon.SoforHannah,ahealthyMoneyRelationshipisonethatbalancessecurityandsavingswithregulardosesoffun,rest,andtimewithJerry.That’saclear,doablegoal,oneJerrycansignontoaswell.

Once you have a vision for your Money Relationship, you have to beintentional about making that vision a reality. You have to be committed todevelopingnewpatternsofcommunication.Youhave tobewilling togiveupsome long-standing habits. And you have to bewilling to set aside forty-fiveminutesamonthtotalkaboutyourMoneyRelationship.

TheE.N.D.WeusetheacronymE.N.D.tohelpyoukeepyourMoneyHuddlefocused.Thefastest way to kill themomentum you have right now is to turn yourMoneyHuddleintoatwo-hourgripe-festorletitflipoverintoaconversationaboutthedetails of your finances. Instead, keep your time short and to the point. Yourforty-fiveminuteswillbebrokenintothreefifteen-minutechunks,eachofthemfocusedononetask.

Evaluate

UsethefirstfifteenminutesofyourMoneyHuddle toevaluateyourcurrentfinancialsituation.Weknow,wejustsaidthiswasn’tthetimetotalkaboutyourfinancial situation. But we also want you to deal with the real story of yourfinancial life as you work on your Money Relationship. So keep yourconversation limited to the two biggest issues in your finances—debt andsavings.Wecan’t stresshow important it is to stickwith these two topicsandnothingelse!Theseare theareas thatcreate themost tension inarelationship;mostofushavetoomuchofoneandnotenoughoftheother.You’renotgoingtodiscusseveryexpenseordeposit—youcandothatlater.You’rejustgettingageneraloverviewofwhereyouarerightnow.Thereshouldbetwonumberstoreview: how much debt you have and how much you have in savings. Twonumbers;that’sit.This step is simple, but it’s thekey to putting an end to financial infidelity.

Financialinfidelitythrivesonsecrets.Itfeedsoffofaspouse’swillingnesstobein thedarkabout the realitiesofacouple’smoney.This step shinesa lightonwhat’s real—nomore secrets, nomore ignorance, nomore hiding.When youknowwhat’srealinyourfinancialpicture,youcanstartmakingplans.Youcanmove forward. You can get rid of the fear and anxiety andmistrust and startover.

This iswhere themoneyperson in the relationship gets to report onwhat’shappening with the family savings and debt. But that person doesn’t get todominatetheconversation.Herjobistolayoutthefacts,thenspendtherestofthefifteenminutesworkingwithherspousetomakeplansforreducingthatdebtorincreasingthatsavings.Start with your savings—all of it. What do you have in your retirement

account?Howabout thekids’college fund?Whatdoyouhave foremergencyfundsorvacationfundsorlet’s-buy-a-housefunds?Layitalloutandtalkaboutwhere you are. Talk very generally about where you would like to see moresavingsandwhereyoumightbesavingtoomuch.Whatkindofrealisticchangescanyoumakethatwillgetyouwhereyouwanttogo?Ifyou’renotsurewhereto start, we have all kinds of planning tools on our website,TheMoneyCouple.com,togetyoustarted.Then do the same thing with your debt. Look at your car payments, your

mortgage,anyloansyouhave,anypersonaldebtyouowe.Asyoudo,rememberthatyourdebtisn’ttheissue—youcangetyourselvesoutofdebt.What’sreallyimportant is that you communicate, that you work together to come up withsolutions,andthatyoumoveforwardinsteadoflookback.Onemorewordaboutdebt:weknowalotoffinancialadvisorswhoputthe

fearofGodintopeopleaboutdebt.Theytreat itas thoughit’s thechildof thedevil himself. And while debt can indeed be devastating, it is not the realproblemformostcouples.We’vebeendeep,deepindebtinourmarriage.Like$50,000deep.Anditwas

scary.Ittookusalongtimetoclawourwayoutofit.Butourdebtdidn’ttearusapart.Insomeways,itmadeuscloser.Wehadtoworkreallyhardtogetoutofdebt,butwewereworkingtogether.Wetalkedaboutit.Wemadeaplanandwestuck with it. When we stumbled, we pulled each other back up and keptclimbing.Andwedidn’tdwellonthereasonswehadaccumulatedthatdebt.Wejust looked ahead and rebuilt our finances. And along the way, wemade ourmarriageevenstronger.Nowwelookbackonthatexperiencewithalittlepride;weovercamesomethingbigandwediditaspartners.Thatfeelsreallygood.But we know couples who have called it quits over one-tenth of our debt.

That’sbecausethedebtisn’t theirrealissue;it’stheMoneyRelationshipthat’sbroken,notthebankaccount.If you have debt, don’t beat yourselves up over it. It’s just how lifeworks

sometimes,andthere’snothingtobegainedbyfeelingashamedorguiltyaboutbeingindebt.Thosefeelingscanquicklyspiral into inaction,blame,andmore

financialinfidelity.Sostoplisteningtothatvoicethattellsyoudebtisfromthedevil.It’snot.It’sjustdebt.Whetheryouare$5,000or$50,000indebt,wewantyoutofacetherealities

ofyourfinancialsituationtogether.Wewantyoutofigureouthowtodealwiththat situation together.Wewant you to see yourselves as true partners as youmoveforwardtogether.TheEvaluate part of yourMoneyHuddlemight be a little painful the first

time you work through it. If you’ve had years of financial infidelity in yourMoneyRelationship,you’llhaveallkindsofsecretstountangle.Butyoudon’thavetodealwithallofitatonce.TakeitoneMoneyHuddleatatimeandyoucanget throughthis.Doeverythinginyourpowertoresistblamingeachotherandfocusonhowyoucanfixit.Youhavemadeafreshstart,andthisprocessisonlygoingtogeteasier.

Needs

ThenextfifteenminutesofyourMoneyHuddleisthetimetotalkaboutwhatyou need in yourMoneyRelationship.Most of us are terrible at telling otherpeople what we need, especially when it comes to money. We assume ourspousesknow thatwehaveahuntingweekendplanned for the sameweekendevery year or thatwe need a new outfit for a big presentation atwork. Theymightknow,butclearcommunicationneverhurts.This is the time to keep everything you’ve learned about your Money

Personalitiesintheforefront.IfyourspouseisaSecuritySeekerandhetellsyouhe needs the family to cut back on spending, you know it’s not because he’strying to be controlling; it’s because he’s worried. So talk about his anxiety.What does he need in order to feel secure? If you’re a Spender and you’refeelingthepinchofatighterbudget,talkaboutyourneedtohavesomefreedominyour spending.Canyousetupa small “madmoney” fund thatgivesyoualittleleewaywithoutbustingthebudget?ThisisalsothetimetolookattheconsyouchoseduringyourMoneyDump.

Thoseconsarereallyneedsindisguise.Sotalkaboutwhatyouneedtogetthatconoffyourlist.Ifit’savacation,sayso—andstartplanning.Ifit’smoretrust,saysoandmakeithappen.Bybeinghonestaboutyourneeds,youshowyourspousethatyoutrusther,

thatyouvalueherinsight,andthatyoubelievethetwoofyoucanworktogethertosolveproblems.Thatkindofaffirmationgoesalongwaytowardconnecting

youasacouple.

Dream

Thefinalfifteen-minutesegmentoftheMoneyHuddleisourfavorite.Thisiswhenyou’regoingtograbyourdreamsagainandputtogetheraplanformakingthemhappen.It’samonthlydepositinyourMoneyRelationshipthatwilladdupquickly.We see it over and over again. When couples dream together, they move

forwardtogether.Andwhentheystopdreaming,theystopgrowingasacouple.Sotakethistimeeachmonthtoenvisionthefutureyouwanttobuildtogether.Duringoneof ourMoneyHuddles,we started talking about our retirement.

Welovetotravel,butwewantedtodosomethingdifferentwhenweretired.Sowecameupwithan idea.We’regoing to spendayear living in fourdifferentcitiesaroundtheworld.We’lleachpicktwoandspendthreemonthsineachcity.Weknowit’skindofastrangedream,butitsuitsus.Andoncewecameup

with the idea,we started puttingmoney into our retirement fund tomake it arealityoneday.Thatdreamishelpinguskeepoursavingsontrack.Becausewearedreamingaboutthesamething,we’reworkingtogethertomakethatdreamhappen.This is the time to talk about short-term dreams and longterm dreams,

personaldreamsanddreamsforyour family.Nothing isoff-limits.Maybeyouwanttotakeapotteryclass—talkaboutitandfigureouthowtomakeithappen.Maybeyouwanttohelpyouragingparentswiththeirhealth-carecosts.Maybeyouwanttostayhomewithyourkidsorstartanewjobormoveintoadifferenthouse. Maybe you want to give more to your church or to a charity that’simportanttoyou.Youhadthesedreamsbeforeandyoucangetthemback.Whateveryourdreamsare, talkabout themandstartplanning for them.We

suggest couples bring a calendar to their Money Huddles. The process ofdreamingtogetherwilldrawyoucloserandbuildadeepersenseofconnectionandintimacy.The Money Huddle brings together all the skills and knowledge you’ve

developed while reading this book. And as the months go by and you staycommitted to monthly Money Huddles, you’ll see your Money Relationshipchangedramatically.You’llputanendtoconstantbattles,mistrust,resentment,andfinancial infidelity,andyou’ll replace themwithmeaningfulconversationsaboutyourlifetogether.Andthat’sworthmorethanthefattestbankaccount.

SomethingelsehappenswhenyouusethistimetotalkaboutwhatyouneedfromyourMoneyRelationship.You’llactuallystoptalkingaboutmoneyallthetime.Whenyouknowyouhaveatimesetasidetodealwithissuesthatcomeupduringthemonth,you’llfindthatyoudon’ttalkaboutthemovereverymealorasyou’regetting ready forbed.Andwhenyou’renot talkingaboutmoneyallthetime,yousuddenlyhavetimetotalkaboutotherthings.Weworkedwitha couplenot longago.HewasaFlyer/Spender; shewasa

Security Seeker/Saver. You know enough about Money Personalities now torecognizethatthisrelationshipcouldhavebeenadisaster.Itwasn’t...yet.Butthereweresignsthatitwasheadingthatway.Hespentmoneytheydidn’thave;shewasfreakingout.Samesong,secondverse.WeencouragedthemtotryholdingregularMoneyHuddlesandreportbackto

us in a couple of months. Sure enough, they came back with a renewedcommitment tomaketheirmarriagework.TheMoneyHuddles, theysaid,hadbeenagreattoolforhelpingthemmanagethewaytheytalkedaboutmoney.Fora long time, he’d been frustrated that all of their conversations seemed toeventuallycomebacktohisspending.Shewasfrustratedthathedidn’tseemtolistentoherrequeststhathespendless.ButtheMoneyHuddlegavethemaforumfortalkingabouttheseissuesina

calm way rather than in the heat of a disagreement. When their dailyconversationsstartedtoturnintomoneyconversations,hecouldaskhertotablethat concern and bring it up in their Money Huddle. And during the MoneyHuddle, hewasmore inclined to listen to her concerns andworkwith her tofigureoutsomecompromisesinhisspendinghabits.Shefeltheard,hefeltthatthenagginghadstopped,andtheycouldbothseethattheirMoneyRelationshipwasimproving.

MAKEITHAPPEN

PlanyourfirstMoneyHuddle.Really.Rightnow.Gogetyourspouseandyourcalendarand

findforty-fiveminutestostartyournewMoneyRelationshipwiththeE.N.D.inmind.

1.StephenCovey,The7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople(NewYork:Simon&Schuster,1989).

PART3

ReclaimingYourMarriage

I

12WhyWeFight

tmightseemstrangetotalkaboutfightingwhenwe’vejusttakenyouthroughtheMoneyHuddlelovefest.Buthere’sthething:nomatterhowgreatyougetatcommunicating, no matter how well you understand each other’s MoneyPersonalities,nomatterhowmanydreamsyouworktoward,you’restillgoingtofightaboutmoney.The tools we’ve given you aren’t magic. They aren’t going to make you

suddenly agree on every money decision. They will dramatically reduce thenumberofargumentsyouhaveaboutmoney,but theywon’tpreventyoufromeverhavingaheatedconversationoveryourfinances.Weknowbecausewestillhavethosefightsourselves.Inthenextchapter,we’llshowyouhowtokeepthosefightsfromescalating

intohurtfulargumentsthatleavepermanentemotionalscars.Butfirst,wewantto show you why fights about money can be so painful and damaging to arelationship.

HittingtheCoreWehadacoupleinourofficeafewyearsagowhohadbeenmarriedforaboutfiveyears.He’dgrownupwitha lotofmoneyand she’dgrownupwithverylittle. He was a Saver, she was a Spender, and the Opposite Dynamic was amajorfactorintheirrelationship.Itdidn’ttakelongfortheirconversationtoturninto a screamingmatch.We could tell thiswas an old fight, one they’d comebacktooverandover.Thefundamentalissuebetweenthemwasthatshewasspendingmorethanhe

thought she should.They fought aboutwhat she spent andwhere she spent it.Afterlisteningforafewminutes,westoppedthemandsaid,“Hangon.Let’sget

to theheartof thisproblem.Whydoyoukeepspendingwhenhe’saskingyounotto?Whywon’tyousticktothebudget?”Shesaid,“MyparentsweremissionariesandIgrewupdirt-poor.Wehadtwo

meals a day if we were lucky. Sometimes we didn’t have toilet paper. MyhusbandmakesagreatlivingandIdon’tseewhyhewon’tletmespendmoney.Ideservetohavenicethingsafterspendingsomuchofmylifewithnothing.”Helookedatherlikehe’dneverheardthisbefore.Thenweturnedtohimandgavehimachancetospeakhispiece.Helookedat

hiswifeandsaid,“Idon’ttrustyouwithourmoney.I’mafraidyou’regoingtobankruptusandwewon’thaveafutureifyoukeepspendinglikethis.”Andherjawhittheground.Theyboth realized that theotherpersonhaddeep-seatedneeds thatweren’t

being met in their Money Relationship, needs that were part of their verydifferent Money Personalities. And those differences had led to intenseargumentsthathadleftbothofthememotionallybruised.Arguments about money hurt us like very few other fights do. They feel

intenselypersonal.Wefeelattackedandgetdefensive.Wewalkawayfromthemfilledwithanger,resentment,andadeepsenseofmistrust.Foralongtime,wedidn’tunderstandwhymoneyfightsseemedtocreatesuchcomplex,long-termproblems for couples. Butwhenwe thought about how deeply embedded ourMoneyPersonalitiesare,itallstartedtomakesense.Sooften,moneyfightsaretheresultofourdifferingperspectivesonmoney.

Welookatthewaytheotherpersonmakesdecisionsandwejustdon’tgetit.Sowecriticizeandblameandattack.And that’swhymoneyfightshurtsomuch.OurMoneyPersonalitiesaresodeeplypersonal,socentraltowhoweare,thattoinsult them is to insult us at our core. It doesn’t feel as if your spouse iscriticizingyouractions;itfeelsasifheorsheiscriticizingwhoyouare.Whichisexactlywhatheorsheisdoing.YourMoneyPersonalityisasmuch

apartofyouasyoureyecolororthesizeofyourfeet.Andyouhaveasmuchchanceofchangingitasyoudomakingyourfeettwosizesbigger.Mostofusarefairlyawareofourflaws.Youknowifyouhaveatendencyto

be impatient or irritable, if you have a short fuse or procrastinate.While wedon’t like hearing other people name our faults, we know they’re right whentheydoit.ButwetendtoreallylikeourownMoneyPersonalities.Weseethemasagreatwaytoapproachfinancialdecisions.Sowhensomeonewelovetellsus that approach is stupid or irrational or crazy, it feels very different from

someonepointingoutourflaws.Itfeelsasiftheyareattackingthegoodpartsofwhowe are, not the parts that needwork. Andwhenwe believewe’ve beenactinginthebestinterestofourfamilies,ithurtsevenmoreforourspousestocomealongandtellusallthereasonswe’refailingthem.Cal is aSaver’sSaver.His friends tell himhe’s cheap, andhe laughs it off

because he knows it’s true. He prides himself on getting a lot for a little, onlivingonnexttonothing,andonmakinghiswayonhisownwithnohelpfromanyone.Hepaidhisway throughcollegebyworking three jobsand living forfreewith a couple hemet through his church. Sure, he slept on a cot in theirunfinishedbasement—notexactlyacomfyapartment—buthedidn’tcare.Freewasfree.Hecouldfeedhimselfforaweekononeof thoserotisseriechickensfromthegrocerystore.Hisentirewardrobewasmadeupofstufffromthethriftstoreandcastoffsfromtheoldersonofthecouplehelivedwith.Believeitornot,Calfoundawomanwhodidn’tmindhisSaverways.Well,

not at first. In the early days of their relationship, Carmen thought Cal wascharming. She loved how nonmaterialistic he was, how free-spirited andunconcernedwithstatusheseemedtobe.Hewouldmakeherfunkylittlegiftsout of old magazines or cereal boxes, and she thought they were the mostwonderfulthingsshe’deverseen.But after a few years of marriage, Cal’s thrifty ways started to lose their

charm.CalwasasocialstudiesteacheratthemiddleschoolintownandCarmenwasanurse.Together, theymadea reasonable living,enough toafforda littlehouseandtwousedcars.Theyeventuallyhadacoupleofchildrenandalovelylifetogether.ButCalnever letgoofhissavingways.Evenwhentheycouldaffordtodo

otherwise,heinsistedtheywashouttheirplasticbagsandreusealuminumfoil.HeworehissocksuntiltheyhadholesintheheelsandthetoesandrefusedtoletCarmenbuyhimnewpants,evenwhenhistrustykhakiswerewornalmostbareintheknees.Most frustrating for Carmenwas Cal’s unwillingness to buy her something

nice forherbirthday, theiranniversary,orChristmas.Shestill loved thesweethomemadecardshegaveher,butpartofherreallywantedsomekillerearrings,just once. She had come right out and told him somore than once—and still,nothing.ForCarmen,Cal’sunwillingnesstospendmoneyonherfeltlikehewasmoreconcernedaboutsavingmoneythanhewasaboutherfeelings.Onhermostrecentbirthday,Carmenreachedthelimitsofherpatience.She

openedhercardandaskedifCalhadgottenheragift.Beforehecouldanswer,

she looked at himand said sarcastically, “Wait, letmeguess.Youmademe adiamondnecklaceoutof tin foilandapaperclip.Gee, I’msogladyoudidn’thavetospendanymoneyonme.”Calwasstunned.She’dalwayslikedhislittlehomemadecardsandgifts.Why

was she so angry?Hemade themistake of asking her, and that’swhen it allcameout.Yearsoffeelingslightedbyherhusband’sthriftywayscamepouringout of Carmen. She told him hewas stingy, cheap, and selfish. AndCalwascrushed.FromCal’sperspective, itwashiswillingness todowithout thathelpedhim

getwherehewas.Hedroveanoldcarandsavedeverypennyhecouldsothattheycouldaffordanicehouse.Heneverasked forChristmasgiftsbecausehewanted tomakesure theycouldaffordsomethingnicefor theirkids.Heneverboughtnewclothesbecausehewantedtomakesurethey’dbeabletosendthekidstocollege.Inhismind,itwashis“cheapness”thatallowedthemtolivesowell. Carmen’swords hit Cal right in the gut. It would take a lot ofwork torepairtherelationaldamagethosewordscreated.Ifyouandyourspousewanttopreventmoneyargumentsfromreachingthat

hurtful level, you have to respect each other’sMoney Personalities and avoidmakingthemthecenterofyourconflicts.

BehindtheConflictOurMoney Personalities aren’t the cause of money fights, but unless we areawareofhowourMoneyPersonalitiesinfluenceouroutlookonmoney,wecanfallintosomebadhabitsthatcanleadtoterribleconflict.Inouryearsofworkingwithcouples,we’ve seen threemaincausesbehind

moneyfights.

WeDon’tOwnOurMoneyPersonalities

YourMoneyPersonalitycanbeawesome.Itcanleadyoutogreatwealth; itcan keep you from ending up deep in debt; it can help you provide for yourfamily; it can inspire you to acts of tremendous generosity. But everyMoneyPersonalityhasitschallenges.Andweignorethosechallengesatourownrisk.So many of the arguments we see are the result of one or both spouses

ignoring the downside of theirMoney Personalities.We know Spenders who

refuse to acknowledge their impulsivity.We know Savers who are downrightstingyandproudofit.ThatfailuretoownuptothechallengesoftheirMoneyPersonalities makes these people incredibly hard to work with, let alone livewith.Ifyoureallywant tostoparguingaboutmoneyall the time,youhave tobe

willing to ownyourMoneyPersonalities—the good and the not-so-good.Youhavetobehumbleenoughtoseewhereyou’vecontributedtothebrokenMoneyRelationshipandstrongenoughtochangeyourways,oratleastadmitchangeisneeded.

WeActOutofSelfishness

Almost all of the financial infidelity we see is the result of (at least) onespouse’sselfishness.Whentheygetcaught,theyhavenothingbutexcuses:

•“Iwasafraidweweregoingtoloseallourmoneyonyourbusinessdeal,soIkeptsomecashformyself.”

•“IwantedtobeabletoshopwhenIwantedto,soIopenedupmyowncreditcard.”

•“Ireallywantedthatnewcar,soIdrainedourkids’collegeaccounts.”

•“Iliketogoouttoeat,soifyoudon’twanttoI’llgooutwithfriendsinstead.”

Anytimewekeepthefocusonourselvesandwhatwewant,nomatterwhatitcosts us in relationship capital, we’re asking for a fight. It’s hard to blamesomeoneforgettingangrywhenhisspousehasactedinawaythatcompletelydisregardswhoheisorwhathewants.IfyouhaveahistoryoffinancialinfidelityinyourMoneyRelationship,thisis

the time to end it for good. It won’t be easy. You’ll have to keep remindingyourself not tomake false assumptions aboutyour spouse.You’ll have to risktrustingherevenifyou’vebeenburnedinthepast.You’llhavetobewillingtogiveupwhatyouwantforthesakeofyourrelationship.Andtheonlyonewhocanmakethatstickisyou.

WeGetMoneyGrumpy

OurMoneyPersonalitiesgiveusakindofpersonalcomfortzone.Andwelikeitthere.Spenderslikebeinginstoreswithtotalpurchasingpower.PutaSpenderon a tight budget and she’s going to get grumpy. Savers hate to shop. Take aSaveronashoppingspreeandhe’sgoingtogetgrumpy.ItmightsoundsillytotalkaboutagrumpySaver,butwhenwearepushedout

ofourcomfortzones,weactlikeanimalswhohavebeentornfromtheirnaturalhabitat.We get aggressive.We get defensive.We get protective of our needs.Andthatleadstoarguments.Youprobablyhaveplentyofstoriesofyourowntoprove thispoint.Nearly

everymoneyconflicthas someelementof themoneygrumps in it.YoucomehomefromthestoreandyourSecuritySeekerspousewantstoseeyourreceipt.You feel defensive; she feels anxious. And bam! Before you know it, thatshoppingtriphassparkedashoutingmatch.You can’t avoid gettingmoney grumpy. Sooner or later you’re going to be

forcedoutofyourMoneyPersonality comfort zone.Butyoucan changehowyou react to the perceived threat. Instead of getting defensive or anxious orprotective, figure out how to be yourself in that situation. If you’re aSpenderwithabudget,challengeyourselftodomorewithless.Ifyou’reaSavertaggingalongonashoppingspree,seewhatkindofdealsyoucanfind.Getcomfortableinyourownskinandyou’ll findyoudon’tneed to reactandgetgrumpy.Youcantakewhatevercomesandmakeitworkforyou.You’ve done greatwork so far.And evenwith all the new information and

tools you have, you are still two people with two different perspectives onmoney.Youaregoing tomakedecisionsyour spousedoesn’tunderstand.Andyourspouseisgoingtomakedecisionsyoudon’tunderstand.Butwhenyoufeelclosetoyourspouse,whenyouknowyouhavesharedgoalsanddreamsforyourfuture, thenyoudon’twant tohurteachother.Andwhenyoudo,youwant tomakeitright.That’swhathappenswhenyourMoneyRelationshipisworking.

MAKEITHAPPEN

It’shardtostopfightingwhenallyoucanseeisthenegativesideofyourspouse.Sotrytochangeyourview.Makeanappreciationlistforyour

spouse.Writedownthreeorfouraspectsofyourspouse’sMoneyPersonalitythatare

makingapositivedifferenceinyourMoneyRelationship.Then

shareyourlist.

W

13HowtoFightFair

e knowamanwho is a professional athlete.A fewyears ago, he signedwithanewteaminadifferentpartofthecountry.Whilehewasmeetingwithhisnewteamandsigninghiscontract,hedecided todoa littlehousehunting.Bythe end of the day, not only had he found a great house for his family, he’dboughtit!He calledhiswife from the hotel later that night to tell her the goodnews.

Andshewaslivid.Nowifyou’reaSpender,aRiskTaker,oraFlyer,youmightwonderwhyshe

gotsoupset.Hehadnothingbutgoodintentionsandwasdoingwhathethoughtwasbestforhisfamily.Ifyou’reaSaveroraSecuritySeeker,however,youprobablygotnervousjust

readingthatstory.Theideaofyourspousespendingthatkindofmoneywithoutyourinputfeelsliketheworstkindofbetrayal.It took years for our friend and hiswife to recover from this incident. She

didn’ttrusthim;hefeltthatshedidn’trespecthim.Itwasalong,uglyfightthatranlikeacurrentundertheirrelationshipforalong,longtime.Nomatter what yourMoney Personalities, no matter what your past looks

like,nomatterhowcommittedyouaretobuildingabetterfuture,youaregoingtohavedisagreementsaboutmoney.Butwhatyoudowiththosedisagreements,well,that’swhatseparatestheaveragemarriagefromagreatmarriage.

TheRulesofEngagementRememberthosefiresafetydemonstrationsyousawinelementaryschool?Thenice firefighters would visit the school and talk about smoke detectors andescaperoutesandallthoseotherwaysofstayingsafeincaseofafire.Butthe

oneweallknowbyheartiswhatyou’resupposedtodoifyou’reonfire:Stop,Drop,andRoll.Stop,Drop,andRollisgoodadviceforputtingoutemotionalfirestoo.Here’s

howitworks.

Stop

Let’s say your spouse comes home from running errands one Saturday andpullsanicenewpairofskisoutofthebackofthevan.Theoldyoumighthavestood in the doorway with that look of disapproval clouding your face, justdaringyourspousetobringtheminthehouse.Andwhenhedid,well,thenthesparkswouldfly.“Whatonearthdidyoudo?Wecan’taffordthose!Whatwereyouthinking?”Inamatterofminutes,you’reinthethickofahurtfulfight.Butwhatifyoustopped?Whatifyoudidn’tsayanythingabouttheskisinthe

heatofthemomentandletyourselfsettledownforabitfirst?Insteadofyellingatyourspouseoraccusinghimofbeinganidiot,imaginewhatwouldhappenifyoujust toldhimhowyoufelt.Youmightsay,“Honey,I thoughtwe’dagreedwewouldtalkaboutanypurchasesover$50.Canyouhelpmeunderstandwhyyouboughttheseskiswithouttalkingtomeaboutit?”Notonlyisthewholetoneofthatstatementlessaccusatory,butitleavesroom

foryourspousetoeitherofferagoodexplanation—“Theywereonclearancefor$25 and I thought we could use them as a Christmas gift for my sister”—oradmithismistakeandfindawaytomakeitright—“IguessIgotcarriedawayatthe store and forgot about our agreement. I’m sorry. I’ll return them thisafternoon.”Thesimpleactofstoppingyourself fromreactingoutofangercandefusea

potentially explosive argument before it starts. That doesn’t mean you neverspeakup;youhaveeveryrighttoadvocateforyourneeds.Butitdoesgiveyoutimetosimmerdownandthinkaboutwhat’sreallybehindyourreaction—fear,worry,mistrust,asenseofdisrespect—soyoucantalkaboutthatfeelinginsteadofthemoney.Becauseit’snotaboutthemoney.

Drop

Theysaythatassumptionsarethelowestformofknowledge.That’scertainlytrueinaMoneyRelationship.That’swhythesecondruletorememberistodropyourassumptions.

Thevastmajorityofmoney fights startwithassumptions.Youassumeyourspousewas dishonestwhen she failed tomention the $40 she spent on lunchwith friendswhen the truth is that she’saFlyerwhodidn’t think itwasworthmentioning.Youassumeyour spouse isbeingcontrollingaboutyour spendingwheninrealityshe’sbeentryingtolimitthefamilyexpensessoyoucanalltakeavacationthiswinter.Afewyearsago,Bethanycamehomefromworktofindane-mailfromaski

schoolatoneofourfavoriteColoradoskiareas.Thee-mailincludedanitemizedlist of the costs of ski lessons for our two sons. Now, we had talked aboutsigning them up for ski lessons, but we hadn’t agreed to do it yet. So whenBethanysawthise-mail,herfirstreactionwastoassumethatI’dgoneaheadandsignedthemupfor$800worthoflessons.Shewasnothappy.Later, Bethany toldme she had the phone in her hand, ready to callme at

workandbawlmeoutformakingsuchahugedecisionwithouther.Thoseskilessonsviolatedeveryagreementwehadabouthowwehandleourmoney.Butshedidn’tcallme.Sheputthephonedown,tookadeepbreath,anddecidedtowaituntilIgothomesowecouldtalkaboutitinperson.BythetimeIgothome,Bethanyhadrereadthee-mailandrealizeditwasn’ta

billbutanestimate,oneIhadrequested,eventhoughIknewitwasgoingtobefartooexpensiveforustoconsider.SheaskedmeaboutitandItoldheraboutthe aggressive sales guy at the ski school who insisted on sending me moreinformationevenafterI’dtoldhimweweren’tinterested.Andthenweatedinner.ImaginewhatthatdaymighthavelookedlikeifBethanyhadn’tdroppedher

assumptions and taken a look at the reality of the situation. She would havecalledmeinthemiddleofmyworkday,furiousatme.Iwouldhavebeentickedoff that she’d accusedmeof sneaking thatmuchmoneybyher. Iwouldhavespenttherestofthedayfumingandshewouldhavedonethesame.Eventuallywewouldhavefiguredoutwhatreallyhappened,butbythenthedamagewouldhavebeendone.Insteadofanicelittleanecdote,we’dhaveapainfulmemoryofaterriblefight.Droppingyourassumptionsallowsyoutoseewhat’srealinasituation.And

whenyouseewhat’s real,youcandealwith itcalmly.Youcanaskquestions,talkaboutwhatwentwrong,andfindasolution.Youcan’tdoanyofthatwhenyou’rebasingeverythingonanassumption.

Roll

Thefinalruleforfightingfairistorollupyoursleevesandfindawaytoworktogether.Whenitcomestoresolvingmoneyconflicts,thereisnosubstituteforcompromiseandcooperation.Inoneofourpreviousbooks,FirstComesLove,ThenComesMoney,wetoldthestoryofthedayScottwenttothebig-boxstoretobuyanewspeaker for theTVsetup in thebasement.We’dagreed tospendabout$500onaspeaker.SowhenScottcamehomeafewhourslaterwithacarfullofhometheaterequipmentandabillfornearly$5,000,itwasallIcoulddotowalkawayandcalmdownbeforeIsaidsomethingIknewI’dregret.Fortunately,Scottsuffersfrombuyer’sremorse—that’shisOppositeDynamic

kickingin.SobeforeIsaidawordabouttheequipment,hehadalreadydecidedwhathewould return to thestore.When Iwas finallycooleddownenough totalkaboutthesituation,Scottwasthefirstonetoofferacompromise.Hesaid,“Look,wedidn’treallydoenoughresearchaboutspeakers.Itturnsoutthatwhatwe need is going to costmore than $500. But we don’t need all of this. I’mwillingtoreturnallofitifthat’swhatyouwant.”Thatwasaniceoffer,butwestillwantedaspeaker,sotogether,wedecidedtoreturneverythingbutasetofspeakers. We ended up spending more than we’d planned, but we made thedecisiontogether.Somanyofthecouplesweworkwithhaveforgottenhowtocompromise.But

once you have learned about each other’s Money Personalities, once you’vestartedexpressingyourneeds inyourMoneyHuddles, onceyou’vebegun therepairworkonyourMoneyRelationship,findingawayforwardthatwillsatisfybothofyoubecomesawholeloteasier.You’regoingtohaveconflictaboutmoney.Oneday,maybesoon,oneofyou

isgoingtomakeadecisionthatdrivestheotheronecrazy.Butifyoustopandgiveyourselftimetocalmdown,droptheassumptionsandlookforwhat’sreal,androllupyoursleevesanddo thework tosolve theproblem, thoseconflictswillturnintoopportunitiestostrengthenyourMoneyRelationship.

MAKEITHAPPEN

Eachoneofyoushareastorywhereyoucouldhaveused

Stop,Drop,andRolltoresolveadifficultsituation.

Y

CONCLUSION

AMillionDreams

ou should be very proud of yourselves. You’ve done something amazing,something that will change your marriage for good.We know this stuff isn’talways easy—sometimes it can be downright painful. But we also know thatwhencouplescommittochangingtheirpatterns,whentheyjoinhandsandmoveforwardtogether,theycanaccomplishanything.Youmightwrapupthisbookstilldeepindebt.Youprobablyhaven’tmadea

bigdepositonyour retirementaccountover the last fewweeks.Yourfinancialpicturemightnotbeanybetter than itwaswhenyou started reading.Butyouknowwhat?That’s okay.Because you havemade significant deposits in yourrelationship.Youhavemadesignificantstepstowardbuildingastrong,healthyMoneyRelationship.Andthat’salotmoreimportantthananybudgetorsavingsplan.You’velearnedaboutyourMoneyPersonalitiesandcometounderstandthat

eachofushasourownwayofthinkingaboutanddealingwithmoney.You’vediscovered that the Opposite Dynamic can create a sense of internal conflictwhenitcomestoyourpersonalmoneydecisions,butyou’vealsoseenhowyourOppositeDynamiccanhelpyoustaybalancedandmakesmartmoneychoices.And you’ve learned about your spouse’s Money Personality and how it

connects andcollideswithyours.You’ve seen thatwhenyouplayoffof eachother’sstrengths,youcanconqueranymoneyproblemthatcomesup.Ifyou’vehadahistoryoffinancialinfidelityinyourrelationship,wehopeit’s

beenbroughttolightandkickedtothecurb.Ofeverythingwe’vecoveredinthisbook,thismightbetheonethingthattakesyouawhiletounpack,especiallyifyouhaveyearsofsecretsandhidingandliestodealwith.Butyoudon’thavetofixeverythingtoday.Youhavetimeandnowyouhavearenewedsenseoftrust.

We know that if you’re both committed to transparency in all of yourmoneydecisions,itwon’ttakelongtorepairthedamagecausedbyfinancialinfidelity.Youalsohavetoolstotakeallofthisknowledgeandturnitintorealaction.

UseyourMoneyDump toget everythingout in theopen, and then stickwithyourMoneyHuddles tokeepthemomentumgoingandplanyourwaybacktoyourdreams.Whenyoufindyourselvesarguingaboutmoney,remembertoStop,Drop,and

Roll toputout the flamesof conflict andgetyourselvescooledoff.Weknowtherewill be timeswhen you slip back into old patterns, but slipping doesn’tmeanyouhavetogetstuckthere.Standupandtryagain.Soon,thenewhabitswillbecomeyournewlifestyle.Everymarriage begins with a million dreams. And now you can get those

dreams back.With every decision youmake together, youwill be one dreamclosertothelifeyouimaginedonyourweddingday.

Y

APPENDIX

The5MoneyPersonalitiesSurvivalGuide

ouknowthatinonewayoranother,moneyhasanimpactoneverydecisionyoumake.That’swhyourMoneyPersonalitiesplay suchan important role inour relationships.But thereareahandfulofbigmoneymoments inwhichourMoneyPersonalitiesreallygetpumping—theholidays,birthdays,andvacations.These are the times ourMoney Personalities go into overdrive. And that canmakealreadystressfulsituationsevenworse.But when you understand your spouse’s Money Personality, you can

anticipate the stress points and work together to defuse a potential problembeforeitturnsintoanargument.Youcanseepasttheshorttemperortheanxietyor the efforts to control the situation andget to the heart ofwhat’s happeninginsideyourspouse.Here’swhattoexpectfromeachofthefiveMoneyPersonalitiesduringsome

of the most stressful money moments in life. For a more extensive survivalguide,headtoTheMoneyCouple.com.

TheSaver

We live in a culture of spending, and that’s never as evident as it is duringthese money moments. That means the Saver is constantly surrounded bypressure to buy more, spend more, and give more. And that’s stressful. TheSaver will respond to this pressure by trying to control her spending and thespendingofeveryoneinherfamily.Here’showtohelpyourSaverconquerthemountainofstressthatcomesfrom

thebigmoneymoments:HOLIDAYS. During the holidays, the Saver will complain about every

purchasethatcomesinthehouse—thegifts,thefood,thewrappingpaper.She’llgetdownrightGrinchyaboutthewholething,andthataddstoeveryone’sstress.Butthenicethingaboutholidaysisthatyoucanplanforthem.Andthat’swhattheSaverneedstodo.Wellbeforeaholidayarrives,sitdownwithyourSaverandtalkthroughyour

budgetforthebigday.Getasdetailedasyoucan.Thinkaboutgifts,travel,andextrafoodforpartiesorvisitingfamily.Thenmakeaplanforsettingasidethemoneyyou’llneedbeforeanyonespendsanickel.WhenaSaverknowsthere’smoney in the bank to cover holiday expenses, she can relax and enjoy thefestivities.BIRTHDAYS. Like other holidays, birthdays can bring out the worst in a

Saver.And once again, planning ahead is a huge help.But you can also helpyour Saver manage the spending stress of birthdays by setting up clearexpectations.Most Savers feel a lot better about a purchasewhen they knowthey are spending theirmoney on something useful, something they know theperson getting the giftwill enjoy.Buying something for the sake of buying itfeelslikeawasteofmoneyfortheSaver.If your birthday is comingup, giveyourSaver spouse a few ideas for gifts

you’d like. That gives her some options on price point but also lets her findsomethingshe’scertainyou’llappreciate.VACATIONS.TheSavercanbeamajorjoykilleronvacation.Often,shecan

getsofocusedonhowmuchthingscostthatshemissesoutonthefunofbeingtogether. When you and your Saver plan a vacation, make sure the budgetincludesnot justhotel and travel expenses,but incidentals like taxi fares, tips,and tickets for events or the zoo or a show. And leave some room forspontaneous fun.Savershatemoneysurprises, so themorepreparedshe is forspending,thebetter.Ifyoucan,planforthesemoneymomentsinadvancetomakesureyouhave

somemoneysetaside.TheSaverisbrilliantatfindingwaystocutbackinotherareas tomake room for spending in adifferent area.So start early and let theSaverdowhatshedoesbest.

TheSpender

Noone lovesamoneymomentmore thanaSpender. Ifyou’remarried toa

Spender,bepreparedfortherushofadrenalinehefeelswhenmoneymomentscomealong.AndbepreparedfortheanxietyandguiltSpenderscanfeelwhentheyrealizethey’vespenttoomuch.Here’s how you can help your Spender keep an even keel during life’s big

moneymoments:HOLIDAYS.Holidays are like Spender-palooza—it’s the season for giving,

andSpenderslovetogive.Whentheholidaysarrive,don’tbesurprisedifyourSpenderhasstartedhisshoppingmonthsinadvance.Hemightevenhaveastashofgiftshiddeninthebackofsomecloset.ButmoneymomentscanbestressfulforSpenderstoo.Spendersworrythey’ll

runoutoftimetodoalltheshoppingtheyhopetodo.Theygetnervousaboutmaking sure they have just the right gift for everyone on their list. They canbecome obsessive about plans and details, running out at the last minute toreplace all the silverwarebefore the family arrives or grabbingonemore last-minutegiftthedaybeforeChristmas.LiketheSaver,theSpenderwillfindholidaysalotmoremanageableifhehas

aclearbudget.ButunliketheSaver,theSpenderneedsthisbudgettoreleasehissenseofguiltandtokeephimfromendingupwithtoomuchdebtwhenthebillscomein.BIRTHDAYS. Birthdays and anniversaries bring another chance for your

Spender to shop for someone he loves. Again, the budget makes all thedifference.Butinthiscase,youmightneedtotakethelead.GiveyourSpenderspouse a ballpark figure for gifts and parties.Youmight say, “Honey, I knowyour brother’s birthday is coming up. I think we can throw a great party forunder$300.”Withoutsomeparameters,theSpenderwillbeoverwhelmedbythepossibilities. Butmost Spenders arewilling to stickwith a budget they had ahand in putting together, especially when they know they have their spouse’sblessingtospend.VACATIONS. Vacations are a Spender’s paradise—so many purchases, so

little time.Andwhen you travel, remember that the Spenderwill be ready todropalittlecashoneverysouvenir,attraction,and$6DietCokehecanfind.Ifthere’sashowintown,he’llwanttoseeit.Somerandomattractionoutbytheinterstate?He’s there.Andall of those little side trips and trinkets canaddupfast.Spendersworry theyaremissingoutonagreatexperience if theydon’t see

everything there is to see while on vacation, so once again, planning is

everything.Dosomeresearchbeforeyouheadout.Lookattheoptionsandplanoutwhatyouwanttodoandsee;thenmakeroominyourbudgetforasmuchofitasyoucan.WhenyourSpenderknowshe’snotgoingtomissoutonthegoodstuff,he’llrelaxandenjoyjustbeingtogether.

TheSecuritySeeker

TheSecuritySeeker, liketheSaver,canhavearoughgoofitduringmoneymoments.ButfortheSecuritySeeker,it’snotabouttheamountofmoneythat’sspent.It’swherethatmoneywillcomefrom.TheSecuritySeeker’smainworryin life is that therewon’tbe enoughdown the road.But fewSecuritySeekersknowwhat “enough” shouldbe.They livewith akindof low-grade stress formostoftheiradultlives.Thatstress,however,spikesduringmoneymomentsastheywatchwhattheyfearistheirlifesavingsgettingthrownoutatthemall.Here’showyoucanhelpyourSecuritySeekerrelax:HOLIDAYS.SecuritySeekersdobestwhen theyhavea lot of inputon the

holidaybudget.ButunlikeSaverswhoarehopingtospendaslittleaspossible,SecuritySeekerscanbefinewithspending,aslongastheyknowit’snotgoingto make a dent in their future plans. That’s why a well-defined budget isimportant,butnotas importantasaplan formaking thatbudgetwork.As theholidaysgetcloser,workwithyourSecuritySeekerspousetofigureoutwhereyou can cut back to afford some holiday splurges. Then as the big event getscloser,remindyourspousethatyou’veworkedhard—together—tomakesureallofthisfunispaidfor.BIRTHDAYS.SecuritySeekersaren’tbigfansofthesplurge,butthatdoesn’t

mean they are reluctant gift givers. You can do a lot to ease your spouse’sanxietyaboutbirthdaysbyassuringhimaboutthebirthdayplans.VACATIONS.As you and your Security Seeker spouse plan your vacation,

makesureyou’rebothveryclearaboutwherethismoneywillcomefrom.Willyouneedtotakeonalittleextracreditcarddebttocovertheexpenses?Doyouneedtotapintoyoursavingstopayforit?Ifyoudo,howcanyouadjustyourbudgettogetthatmoneybackinplace?Thiscanseemlikea lotofwork ifyou’renotaSecuritySeeker,buta little

effort on the front end of a vacationmeans awhole lotmore enjoyment onceyou’rethere.SecuritySeekers can seemunnecessarily anxious to the rest of us, but their

fearscomefromtheheart.Theywant tomakesuretheirfamiliesarecaredfor

down the road.So the last thing theyneed is a spousewho tells them to stopworrying. Instead,helpyour spouse focuson thepresentaswellas the future.Remindherthatthememoriesyoumakeonvacationorduringtheholidaysareaninvestmentinthefamilytoo.

TheRiskTaker

ForRiskTakers,moneymomentsareatimetogetcreative.SonothingmakesaRisk Taker crabbier than being hemmed in by tradition. If you have aRiskTaker inyour life,yourbiggestchallengewillbe togivehimthe leewaytobehimselfinthemiddleofwhatcanoftenbealready-chaoticsituations.Here’showtomakethemostofyourRiskTaker’ssenseofadventure:HOLIDAYS.RiskTakerslovetothinkofnewwaystocelebratetheholidays.

They’re likely to suggest anything fromhavingaMexican feast forChristmasdinner toheading toTimesSquare forNewYear’sEve. Ifyou’remarried toaRiskTaker,bepreparedtolistentosomeout-thereideasaboutgifts,food,travel,evenholidaydecorations.Andwhenwesaylisten,wemeanreallylisten.If you’re not a Risk Taker, it’s easy to dismiss your spouse’s ideas as

ridiculousandimpossible.Butmaybethereareafewideasintherethatwouldmakelifeevenmoreenjoyableforallofyou.IstherereallyanythingwrongwithChristmasfajitas?BIRTHDAYS.Havingaspousewho’saRiskTakercanbeprettygreatwhen

yourbirthday rollsaround.Your spouse’s senseofadventuremeansyouneverknowwhat your celebrationwill involve.But if youworry that your spouse’sspontaneityisgoingtogetyoubothintofinancialhotwater,beclearabouttheseconcernswell ahead of the actual event. TheRiskTakerwants you to have agreat time, and if she knows spending toomuchwill keep you from enjoyingyourself,she’llbemorethanhappytofindawaytohaveablastonabudget.VACATIONS. For a Risk Taker, a vacation isn’t really a vacation unless

there’ssomethrillinvolved,whetherit’satriptoanunknownlocationoradayofhangglidingonceyougetthere.IfyourRiskTaker’sideasaregoingtobreakthe bank, however, help her findways to express her sense of adventure andcreativitywithmoreaffordableoptions.WhatgetsRiskTakersexcitedisn’thowmuch something costs; it’s the thrill of something new and different andunknown.Andthatdoesn’thavetocostanything.ChallengeyourRiskTakertocomeupwithinventiveideasonthecheapandshe’llrisetotheoccasion.

TheFlyer

Since Flyers rarely think about money, they don’t get stressed out aboutmoneymoments.Buttheydogetanxiousaboutalltheplanningthat’spartofthevacationsorbirthdaysorholidays.Here’showyoucanhelpyourFlyermanagethestressofmoneymoments:HOLIDAYS.BecauseFlyersarenotinclinedtoplanahead,theyareproneto

last-minuteimpulsedecisions—andthatcanleadtooverspendingandstress.SohelpyourFlyerby talkingaboutyourholidaybudgetearly.Makesure togivehimplentyofinputonthebudget;it’seasytobecomecontrollingwithaFlyer,butthatjustleadstoresentmentdowntheroad.Talkaboutwhatkindsofgiftsyou’dliketogetforthepeopleonyourlist.If

you’rehavingguests, figureoutwhatyou’ll feed themandmapoutaplanforgetting everything ready on time.Having all the details put together ahead oftimemeanslesslast-minuteimpulsespending.BIRTHDAYS.TheFlyer isas likely to forgetyourbirthdayas she is toput

together an over-the-top, thoughtful celebration. That means it helps to dropsome helpful hints as you lead up to a birthday to remind your spouse that itreallyisthethoughtthatcounts.VACATIONS. Flyers like to be fairly spontaneous, so be ready for your

vacationplans tomorph a bit as youget ready to travel. Flyers are alsomorethanwilling tomakesureeveryoneon thevacationgets somesay inhowyouwillspendyourtime,sotalkaboutyourexpectationsforwhattoseeanddoandwheretostay.Because they tend tobespontaneousand fairly stress-free,Flyerscanadda

needed bit of fun and enjoyment to every money moment. They are great atbeingpresentinthemomentandcanhelpeveryonearoundthemdothesame.