Tennessee - Issue 6 - 9/26/2013

The SecreT Order Of davy crOckeTT

BY: Austin McLAurine

There are tons of organizations to join at UT, whether they are Greek or not. Many student orgs go unnoticed by the general student body, and some might as well not exist to anyone besides the few members in the group. The specific fraternity of mountain men and women we bring to you today have been traversing the hills of East Tennessee and are probably the least known organization on campus. Unlike other campus organizations, The Secret Order of Davy Crockett meets year-round, if only due to the fact that they don’t realize school ends.

The Order was founded by a descendent of Santa Anna (a jealous enemy of Davy Crockett) as an offensive white supremacist group who would attempt to defame Mr. Crockett. Fortunately, the idea never really took off due to a much more popular white supremacist group already established in the area. So the down-and-out group members chased off Santa Anna and decided to make a club out of living in the woods. The Order reversed its opinion and is now set up to glorify Davy Crockett and the lifestyle of a simpler time when diarrhea could take hold of your life at any moment. Today, most of the members aren’t even actually enrolled in classes, but The Order is still considered a campus organization since they sometimes donate meat to Presidential Court Cafeteria.

Want to join The Order? Well, the first task of joining the fraternity is actually finding the fraternity. Locating the members can be difficult since they seem to be constantly moving through the Knoxville area. If seen on campus, they are usually the ones who scare people away with their odor of campfire and wild skunk. Only a few people ac-tively seek them out, and even fewer make it through the perilous tests of forest living, such as building log cabins, defending your homestead from Native American attacks, and attempting intimate, sometime-sexual relations with trees. People not wearing leather or any type of coonskin are immediately turned away. Once it is established that the person who stumbled upon The Order actually meant to stumble upon them, they are tasked with the objective of setting up camp. That’s usually enough to get into The Order, and if their site stays up for a month the pledge is awarded his official Davy Crockett coonskin hat. The real challenge in this is to set up camp inconspicuously on campus, while blending into the landscape enough so as not to be found.

Members enjoy taking breaks from the rigorous frontier lifestyle, so they distill their own moonshine. There have been instances where it was found being passed around on the street and incapacitating people on scent alone, but The Order was able to avoid police suspicion since literally no one knows they exist. Ceremonies that occur include a candlelight vigil for the day Davy died and an ice cream social for his birthday. The ice cream is usually terrible since they don’t use refrigerators. Occasionally, the members of the fraternity do journey into civilization, but they rarely make it past the jerky stores of Pigeon Forge.

The Order remains a constant but enigmatic entity, content to go unnoticed by everyone as long as their fearless leader Davy Crockett is honored. While the rest of us live out our routine lives, they go on drinking their jet fuel, hunting “wild” game in the Smokies, and celebrating a way of life that is no longer present. But we take off our metaphoric coonskin caps to these frontiersmen-wannabees, the people who keep alive the true spirit of the Volunteer behind closed doors.

The Black SheepVol. 3, Issue 6 9/26/13 - 10/2/13

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She waS baSically a hawk-human hybrid. SeriouSly, her nailS were Sharpened.

a conversation With a Die-harD QUiDDitch player

page 5

well you can’t play candy cruSh, that’S for Sure.

top 10: Ways to spenD 3 hoUrs Waiting for the ios 7.0 UpDate

page 7

our chat with the engliSh dJ-SlaSh-producer.

We intervieW: flUx pavilionpage 10

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a conversation With

A die-hArd Quidditch PlAyerBY: JAck HArder

We sat down for a chat with one of the self-proclaimed greatest athletes in Knoxville: The Volunteer Quidditch Seeker. As she walked in the room we could tell that she was not your run-of-the-mill bookworm. her hair was slicked back into a tight ponytail and held in place by a thick crimson and gold headband. her black witch robe fluttered in the wind, smacking any passers-by that got too close to her. An emblazoned golden pin on her lapel read “SEEKEr,” showing us that anyone who ever wants to beat her at anything would have to suck it. She had eyes like a hawk, hair like a hawk, and a moderately sharp nose. She was basically just a hawk-human hybrid. Seriously, her nails were sharpened.

She pulled up a chair and downed her mug, throwing it across the room into the pile of other shattered glasses.

“Butterbeer,” she said a bit too directly, “Never strong enough.”

She slammed her fist down on the table and the bartender brought another. “Now let’s get this over with. I’ve got to trim my broomhairs tonight and I told my boyfriend that if he behaved I’d ride his broomstick.”

Before we could speak she interrupted — “We going to the sheets so hard it’ll make finding a long term defense

against the Dark Arts teacher seem easy.”

Unable to actually comprehend what this hippogriff of a woman meant by that particular statement, we began with some formalities; namely, herself and her sport.

“I’m a pre-med senior, I was valedictorian in high school, and my wand is nine inches, elm, with a core of dragon heartstring,” she announced.

This conversation was going to be a legendary.

At this point she whipped out her wand and began attempting to levitate the beverages of other tables in the bar. It was clear she actually believed in not only magic but also thievery. Nobody said a word. There was a lingering suspicion this wasn’t the first time she had been caught attempting this. As she started to just drag other beers towards her with her wand, the bartender stepped in and said, “What the fuck are you doing, Kim? Stop.”

We asked her what lead her to her sport of choice.

“Quidditch is an elegant sport in which three chasers throw a ball through a hoop that is guarded by a keeper. The seeker runs around trying to catch the snitch to win an absurd amount of points that guarantees a win. In the

meantime, there are two beaters that run around hitting things at people to try and make the other team lose.”

This description was simple, yet quite refreshing. here at The Black Sheep we know all about tiny gold balls and consensual beatings.

her tone lowered and she begrudgingly confessed, “you know, I was once a beater. I was one of the best there was. A master beater some would say. I took my anger out with my beating. I would beat anyone that roused my anger and before long I was beating half the school. They said I had beaten…”

She rambled on and on, not necessarily proud; yet certainly not ashamed of all the master beatings she had given. “Ah but you see, at that point a professor suggested I give the beating up, master or not. When I tried to beat him off of my case, Jimmy Cheek came in and forbade me from beating ever again.”

This statement sunk in slowly, killing any childhood that may be left within us. After making a quick Whomping Willow reference, we continued on the topic of the Vanderbilt’s Quidditch Club. It was rumored our seeker had an issue last year playing those maize-clad peasants in which aggressive physical contact got a little out of hand.

“That was an honest mistake!” she exclaims instantly. “I’ve seen the first harry Potter movie thousands of times and that guy looked exactly like Slytherin’s captain. Not only is he the epitome of douchebag, but he also has the most hideous set of teeth I’d ever seen. Typical Commodore.”

Confused again, we assumed that the sons of snitches over in Nashville were clearly at fault. Either that or they’re way better at harry Potter role-playing sports because they’re nerds.

Our seeker rambled on until we told her that Sunspot’s kitchen was only open for another hour, and that is was half-off. Strangely, she nodded in understanding. She mumbled a Dumbledore quote under her breath as we texted our friends and then flew off on her broom … wait, what? holy shit.

06

The iOS 7.0 update leaves us stranded from our precious phones for what seems like an eternity. So before you crumple into a ball of confusion and loneliness, here are ten things us human beings can do while our phones evolve into faster, stronger machines.

10.) Play candy crush: Oh, wait. Shit.

9.) check your email: Damn it!

8.) update your Facebook status to let your friends know how much waiting for the update sucks: “It sucks harder than a Thai transvestite hooker trying to save up money for college #Idon-trememberhowtodothisonacomputer #yOLO.”

7.) Homework: Ugh, this is BULLShIT! What part of “school” means you have to do homework? This update needs to hUrry ITS ASS UP so you can Instagram sad-faced selfies and the world can feel your pain.

6.) read or some shit: When’s the last time you picked up a novel and read until there were no more pages left in the novel? you’ve got the time now- time to earn your collegiate intellectual status.

5.) Watch two rom-coms: To get the full effect of a Katherine heigl movie, shoot yourself in the face.

4.) Watch one Lord of the Rings movie: Get the extended version, dude, don’t pussy out. Are those the trolls from The Hobbit? yES. Did Middle Earth even know about nervous systems? Who cares, bit joke! Did you see that significant look Pippin and Gandalf shared during the drinking song? Fanfiction sagas have been written on less.

3.) Make eye contact with a stranger: About 60% of the time we use our phones in public is to avoid interaction with strangers, which robs us of a very human experience. Take advantage of the forced tech break by communicating with people you don’t know. And if you hAVE to, well, have some fun with it. “BrAh! BrrrAh! ronald reagan! reagan! Reagan! Must tell, BrUBrUBrUUUUh, must tell Clint Eastwood! Pancakes and ice cream!”

2.) Bake something: Lemon bars! Not done yet? Chocolate cake! Not done yet? Blueberry muf-fins! Not done yet? Chocolate chip cookies! Not done yet? Crème brûlée! Not done yet? Strawberry shortcake! Not done yet? Pumpkin pie! Not done yet…?

1.) call a friend: Technology makes it easy to keep our relationships with minimal effort, but tex-ting can be so impersonal. Take this opportunity to call a friend you haven’t seen in a while and… wait, no! Goddamit!

TheTop

TenBY: BLAck sHeeP stAFF

WayS TO Spend Three hOurS WaiTing fOr The iOS 7.0 updaTe

Freshman John Quintet recently saw The room for the first time in a late night film club showing, and the experience has changed his life. Upon his first viewing of The room, John concluded that Tommy Wiseau’s epic cinematic turd is, objectively, the greatest piece of art ever made. John defends the brilliance of The room in this in-depth film review, which he emailed to us at The Black Sheep.

Once in a great while, there comes along an artistic masterpiece so exceptional that it makes all other artists feel profoundly inadequate. Our generation has been blessed with one such tour-de-force: Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. Everything about this film—its characters, its plot, its liberal amount of awkward “belly button sex” scenes—demonstrates a degree of meticulous genius that every creative mind should envy. Why, had Ernest hemingway seen The Room, he would have killed himself…twice.

It must be noted that Wiseau’s work is not for everyone, because many won’t pick up on the film’s subtle nuances. he conveys this fact mere moments into the movie. In the first scene of The Room, Denny (a plausibly mentally challenged man-child) hopes to watch two of the characters make love. They kindly refuse to let him observe their intercourse, signaling the intellectual and inaccessible nature of The Room.

If nothing else, The Room is a riveting testament to the grim reality of love. Never before has a work of art delved so deeply into this most perplexing of emotions. This drama is centered on the love lives of four characters: Johnny, Lisa, Mark and breast cancer. In particular, Johnny, Lisa and Mark are caught in a messy love triangle, one which makes Johnny blow his brains out at the end of the movie in a heart wrenching scene. Numerous lessons can be interpreted from it, but their story best reflects the universal truth that sometimes your fiancé can be a real bitch and cheat on you with

your best friend.

Another masterful aspect to this film is its character development. Namely, the psychologist Peter develops so much as a character that he becomes portrayed by another actor in the final scenes of The Room. Some critics, of course, say that the original actor didn’t want to be in this shitty movie anymore. But true art critics, like me, know that it was part of Tommy Wiseau’s vision all along, to replace an actor halfway through production. This bold choice indicates to the viewer the idea that people, including minor characters, can change.

Symbolism is also essential to The Room. For instance, one of the recurring symbols is spoons. The film features several pictures of spoons, and most audiences don’t appear to realize their significance. Spoons are an appropriate metaphor, because spoons are tools which allow you to eat cereal, much like how The Room is a “tool” which allows us to think hard about our own lives. Footballs are also commonly presented as a symbol. The Room contains the motif of men in tuxedos playing football at close range, and this expresses the message that tossing a football to people three feet away from you is fun.

Few minds have been able to capture the essence of humanity, to explain what it truly means to be human. Artists like Shakespeare and da Vinci have tried, but their efforts paled in comparison to Tommy Wiseau’s magnum opus. Through deep allegories and other figurative devices, Wiseau conveys a myriad of wisdoms, especially the insightful revelation that we should all learn to be better people, to love others, and to not hurt each other, because then the world would be a better place.

It should be stated that The Black Sheep in no way agrees with this weirdo’s take on The room. We just think it’s a good movie for a drinking game.

The rOOm

As reviewed by A wAnnAbe Art snob

BY: BriAn BArsotti

07

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The black Sheep inTervieWS:

Flux PavilionEnglish DJ-slash-producer Joshua Steele, better known as Flux Pavilion, was kind enough to give us a solid fifteen minutes to talk about music, because like us, he likes music.

The Black Sheep: How does the songwriting process for electronic music differ when you’re working alone versus with a person?Flux Pavilion: I prefer like to do a lot of work on my own. For a collaboration it depends on who I work with, and their creative process. Getting on the same page of music, often we’ll sit for a couple of hours talking before we work on the music, which allows you to know where they’re coming from so you can approach the music from a certain way. I was just did a session with these guys, Anamanaguchi, who are a four-piece group, who do video game-style music. I sat on my computer as they got their Game Boys out, they’d make music and they’d send it over by email. I ended up with 30 email cuts and I’d take those cuts and see where they’d take me. It was like I was producing a song with people in the room where we’d just say, “how about that there and that there?”

TBS: someone like that, with such a distinct sound, does that provide you with any kind of challenges?FP: Their sound is quite similar to mine, actually. I wanted to work with them because I could tell that we think in the same way about music and chord structure and melodies. I wanted to work with them because we have similar ideas that we can approach in different directions. There was no problem there.

Where there was a problem, they write on a Game Boy, and that doesn’t stay in time or is necessarily in tune. They’d send me a tune and it’d be out of time because the algorithm in the Game Boy is different than a computer.

TBS: When you do a live set, do you adapt things show to show?FP: I don’t actually change my set for anyone, because I think that my job on that stage as an artist is to give a performance of who I am as a musician. I’m showing what my taste is and who I am as an artist. I think of myself as a band, and if a band shows up and the crowd doesn’t like their music and they decide instead to play a lot of covers, it’s like, what’s the point of the band being there if they don’t play what makes them tick? If people hate it, then those people aren’t a fan of what I do. I don’t give a shit about that, I don’t want everyone to like me. I want to give the best impression of what I do, and I want people to love that.

TBS: Has that always been your frame of mind, or has your approach to a live show changed?FP: It has changed, I guess. I’m more confident now. I never used to talk on the mic, I’d just go out there and play the music. I used to mix the tracks with my back to the audience for a few minutes. My approach has changed because I think there’s something more thrilling with being up there and connecting with people. When I get into music, I want them to get into it as well.

TBS: What can people expect in a live show going forward?FP: Next year it’s a lot more towards live singing and live stuff. I’ve always written music with the idea of it being performed live. I’m not a producer who does loads of crazy sounds or chopping and editing. I quite like natural sounds, even if it’s a ri-diculous electronic track, there’s natural elements to it. I want it to sound aesthetically the same, but performed by live people, but with me singing with a guitar solo. That’s every kid’s dream, isn’t it? To be like Jimi hendrix.

TBS: You’ve said before you’re inspired by sigur ros and Brian eno. this seems to be a similar theme among musi-cians of all genres. What’s so musically interesting about them that they’re universally loved?FP: Because they work with feelings, I guess. Their music makes me feel something. It sounds like they want it to sound. It’s a hard thing to explain, but a track’s not made for the radio with a hook or a chorus, it’s music that exists because it needs to exist. It came from their brains or their hearts and there’s something pure and natural about that. It’s untouched by nothing but the humans that created it, which is a really awesome thing. I think Dr Dre’s The Chronic is one of the best hip-hop albums because it sounds like Dr. Dre wrote all the tracks, a music representa-tion of his brain. Pure music is a vision or a concept that an artist doesn’t have a plan, they just sit down and write a song without thinking.By: Brendan Bonham

The black sheep interviews:Dominique Ansel

Creator of The CronutBY: BrendAn BonHAM

Is it a croissant? A donut? No, it’s a cronut. From the mind of mad pastry chef Dominique Ansel comes something that’s as much fun to push out of your mouth as it is to shove in. Cronut, cronut, cronut. Hah, cronut. We wanted to talk about cronuts (and say cronuts) and Mr. Ansel was kind enough to indulge us.

The Black Sheep: How do you get from the idea of a cronut, to a cronut?Dominique Ansel: I create new things all the time. The creative part is very, very important; I won’t launch an item until I know it’s up to my standards. For the cronut, it took me about two months. It’s not the question rushing something quickly, it’s more finding the perfect texture and the right way to do it to make sure the product lasts in time. really, finding a good product that could made properly without requiring too much time and unique in texture and flavor.

TBS: What are some of the variables in play when you’re getting this ready?DA: A lot of little things; the ratio for the recipe. The ingredients product contains, the type of flour, the technique, the refining pricing. Everything is very, very important. If you change one thing, it’s different at the end. That’s what I test the product every day, to make sure it’s up to my standards.

TBS: When did you decide they’re ready? Was it one of those eureka moments, or was it more “finally, this is what i was looking for”?DA: you know, it’s just something that you know. recipe after recipe, time after time it’s a good prod-uct that you try to make better. Once I had the perfect texture, I knew it was ready to go.

TBS: And when you first started selling these, was it just something in your store, then it took off?DA: Exactly. We launched the product back in may and it was just on the menu. I make new things all the time. People really liked it, and we appeared on a blog. That same night the blog called us and said it was linked over 140 times, and that we should make a few more. The next day there were people waiting outside. It was a surprise for me.

TBS: the amount you make a day, where does that number come from?DA: Well, we have a small kitchen, so we do as many as we can, but we need to make the other things that we serve. We’re not a cronut shop. I don’t want the creation to kill the creativity, I want to create new things and keep people excited. right after the cronut we launched the frozen s’more, it’s marshmallowly ice cream, we torch it to order to caramelize the outside. you only have a few minutes to eat it, and it’s a unique experience to enjoy ice cream. I’m going to do something for the fall that is nice and different, too.

TBS: How busy are you right now?DA: I spend a lot of time in the bakery. I open the doors myself every day. We’ll show up 4:30, 5 in the morning. I’ll be in the kitchen until 8a.m. then opening the doors and welcoming people. It’s important to me to be close to my staff the people.

TBS: do you own the name or the idea?DA: We own the trademark to the name “cronut.”

TBS: People making knock-offs, do you try them?DA: I haven’t tried any yet. To me, when you inspire people to make new things, it’s great.

TBS: do you have concerns that you’ll be cronut Guy?DA: I want to keep making things and keep people excited. People come now and see all the other pastries we have, a fresh selection and made-to-order. People don’t just come for the cronuts, they come because we’re different.

recipe for diSaSTer

With Breaking Bad coming to a close, it’s time to find a different series to pour yourself into. Enter: Net-flix, the Holy Grail of all things TV. Our suggestion? Mad Men. To get you in the mood, we thought it’d be a good idea to introduce you to main character Don Draper’s go-to drink, which is also the manliest cocktail you could order during a night on the town.

What You’ll need: A tumbler whiskey glass, sugar cubes, angostura bitters (flavored or not), an orange, lemon or any citrus-like fruit of your choosing, a muddler and a bottle of your favorite bourbon whiskeycook time: 2 MinutesFatty Factor: Not fat, manly

Let’s Get Baked, er drunk:- Add one sugar cube to the glass and cover it with dashes of the angostura bitters- Muddle the cube until it is well dissolved

- Add an orange wedge and a maraschino cherry and muddle the juices out of each- Add 2 oz. of whiskey (or a bit more if you’re feeling risky)- Add 1-2 large ice cubes and stir- Garnish with both an orange and lemon twist

This drink is meant to be sipped and savored, so don’t chug this delicious concoction. It also pairs perfectly with a nice tenderloin, so order this when you’re out to dinner. This is also what Ryan Gosling’s character mixes up for Emma Stone’s in Crazy, Stupid, Love, so now you’re halfway there on land-ing a kick-ass chick like that.

nOmnOmnOmnOm TheblackSheepOnline.cOm

The Old-fashioned

drinking game

Truth or dare

dOWnlOad Our free app fOr all The gameS!

Just like the middle school game you played, but with more drinking involved. Hey, the “more drinking” part always works out for the best, doesn’t it?

What You’ll need: A deck of cards, some beer, and an iron will.number of Players: 3+Level of intoxication: We dare you not to throw up.

How to Play:-Begin the game by dealing each player four cards, face-up.-In the middle of the table, lay out two rows of five cards. One row will be “truth,” the other, “dare.”-Note which end of the rows you wish to start on. The first set of cards is worth two drinks, the second set is four, the third, six and so on.-Flip over the first card in the “truth” set. If any player has this card in their upturned set of four, then he or she must drink for two seconds or answer a question agreed upon by the group.-Flip over the first card in the “dare” set. Any player with this card in their upturned set of four may give any other player two drinks. In return, the player who takes the drinks gives a dare in return.-This escalates to four drinks or a truth, four drinks in return for a dare, etc.

the Game ends When: Everyone is naked from dares and crying because they’ve been forced to admit their darkest secrets.

barTender of the Week

12

relationship status: Single

Major: Economics

Favorite drink: Whisky

Favorite shot: Crown royal

disgusting drink: Anything fruity

What bargoer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: 21st birthday cardboard checklist.

When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt, or sang like no one was listening?: Last week.

if you had a clone, what would be the weirdest thing you’d

make it do?: Make it follow me around with a boombox.

Yoga pants: overrated, underrated or properly rated?: Underrated, greatest invention of the decade

What nostalgic tV show do you most dislike?: Ren & Stimpy.

What’s something that sounds like a sex position, but isn’t?: Pole vaulting.

if you had to have a hangover or diarrhea for a week, which is it?: hangover, I’m used to it.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s awesome.

cOllin of rumorz

pizza VarietiesBagel Bitesstromboli

calzonestuffed crust

Deep Dishthin crust

sicilianneapolitanhawaiian

greek

californiamargherita

Whitepizza hut

little caesarsDominosDigiorno

tombstonetotinos

freschetta

answer key

wordsearch

Can you find the 10 differenCes in this gameday sCene? send your answers To [email protected] - The firsT righT answer geTs a prize!

spot the difference

Let us predict your

future

Best man:- paul Simon- paul walker- paul wall- dJ pauly d

maid of honor:- beyonce- cher- madonna- ke$ha

animal of honor:- Shamu- geico gecko- flipper- ed the horse

signature entree:- fruit loops- Snickers ice cream- Spicy mustard- greek yogurt

signature Beverage:- warm milk- grape kool-aid- cucumber water- cement mixer shots

first Dance song:- “fuckin’ problems”- “wrecking ball”- “hoochie mama”- “blurred lines”

honeymoon Destination:- Sea world- electric forest music festival- cuba- cleveland, oh

honeymoon adventure:- twerk-off- drug smuggling- ceramics class- Shoplifting

you live happily ever after...- as traveling carnies.- debating politics every day.- shopping at whole foods.- getting into the edm scene.

m.a.s.h.

how to Play: Dash some lines until some-one, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your numbers. Where there is one left in each category, that is your future.

yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.

www.sunspotrestaurant.com 865.637.4663

check out our rooftop patio at the new location

2200 cumberland ave

tuesdays $2 drafts*

wednesdays half off wines all daythursdays half off drafts* after 9 pm

KNOXVILLE’S BEST BEER SELECTION!

COME ENJOY 96 BEERS ON DRAFT

LIVE MUSIC NIGHTLY

WELCOME BACK, UT STUDENTS!

With class back in session, we invite you to come unwind with friends with great food, craft beer, pool tables and live, local music at Barley’s.

THE HISTORIC OLD CITY 200 E. Jackson Ave. Knoxville, TN 37915

www.barleysknoxville.com • 865-521-0092

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A WEEK!

7 DAYS

Documents

Tennessee - Issue 6 - 9/26/2013