By Mario Rodrigo Espinosa Rivera

Tender Tears of Spring. Friday 21 of February. Year 2730

There are some things not even death can end. My pain is as big as my regret. His departure is

on my forehead, visible to everyone and I cannot hide it. Reminding me and drilling my

thoughts until the suffering faints my mind and I fell into an eternal sleep. But this does not

calm me at any point, not even in my dreams, they are crushed until the cruel reality makes of

them my deepest nightmares, my most disgustful, repulsive, twisted and perverted fear of

empty head makes me awake once more. Just to cry and crave for a wish, to laugh with him

another minute, just to have another breath of his touch.

What am I supposed to do? He was my desire and my strength; he was the one that kept me

away from all this impotence, this necessity, feelings I’ve never had to experiment in my veins

are now present, palpitating and almost destroying me. I scream for help, I’ve never burst into

tears as I did that night, all I’ve ever felt in my life was smashing my sentiments and the only

explosion of chemicals mixing in my heart were giving as a result a constant violence and

nostalgic sense of anger.

That was the most expressive and non-logical lost of my rational determination, even my

hands felt into the oblivion, their actions could not recall a moment when they could be happy.

I was ready for my next step, to embrace the libs of my vanishing soul, to take the hands of the

Death and walk with him, so I could feel the essence of my beloved in my arms and in my

chest forever, knowing that for immortal eternity we could swim in the calm waters of peace

where agony is no more.

But as I said before, for some reason greater than destiny I escaped into my mind involuntarily.

I open my sight and when my eyes were annoyed for the heat of the orange afternoon I felt

different, not in my drowning fear and anger, not yet. But indeed something was nauseating

me, I had to spit it out until I felt my narrow nerves and guts tremble in all my being. So I

decided to check myself, and something happened, something that paralyzed me more than

anything in all my existence and made me felt so selfish and egocentric all this time since he

died, I could still in someway see his eyes once more and I almost ruin the opportunity, I

was… pregnant.

Now this had changed my senses, all my depression and rotten love was once more lighten up,

as a flame hidden in my heart; I felt love again, for something more than myself. In that

moment I understood everything, usually I denied God existed, and even when my beloved

died, I shouted at him and insulted God asking him why he had abandoned me, but with this

miracle all I can ask to myself is, was I the one who abandoned him? All my life I had never

felt hunger, or even the desperation of fear of dying, not even a serious condition or disease,

and I never thank that to him and even denied he was present, but when something that broke

my heart knocked on me and pushed my limits until I desired death, then… then I needed to

blame someone, and I blamed him.

And when these memories and sentiments were repeated again and again in my humanity then

I really felt sadness, but so alive and joyful that God had given me a second chance, I had a

new sense of redemption, in my limited comprehension I could see the freewill he had given

me. It was when I perceive the reality; all my life sins were not the problem, the real tragedy

and depression in our lives is the loss of faith. My true life is Him now, but I need to be a

leader to inspire my son or daughter, I don’t know yet. Now I can’t no longer behave as my

friends expected from me, I need to break this Pygmalion effect of me, I want to own my life

not waiting for the opinion of the others, but helping them. I know the task won’t be easy, I

require being creative and innovative in the way I want to raise my child.

I have to learn how to communicate my ideas, to predicate with my own example, to be that

idea. I believe sometimes we need to pass through a valley of darkness to teach others how to

overcome those situations and terrors, when I was young I never thought about a situation like

this. I need to be assertive. All the things that his father taught me to overcome my fear are the

ones I need to give to him or her, and I am not sure if I can do it. But no one teaches you how

to be a parent; you simply take in your responsible shoulders the heavy duty of raising another

human being. In this case, matter or situation, I really cannot define it, you need to be a leader

even when you did not choose to be, but it is your decision when you decided to accept

someone in your life in this way. I expect from myself the ability to always listen my child and

take care of him, because only with the news of knowing he will be in my life, he has already

changed it. And then when I felt a tender love in my tears as I wrote this part of my diary I

finally understood that God wasn’t a religion, not even a guide for a better behavior, he is the

unperishable and endless love that will always take care of me even I cannot see him, but in my

heart I won´t be afraid anymore, as He is with me and I am with Him now.