ISSUE #10 - APRIL 2011

Bizarre finale Twinbrook Election

Flabby the Clown and mayor Hawks during the rather awkward press conference in Twinbrook City Hall

Shocking Twinbrook mayoral election out-come turns out to be elaborate April Fool’s Day hoax, backfiring on its creator

TWINBROOK – The desolate swamp town of Twinbrook has spawned many a bizarre story, the majority too insig-nificant to tell. The story of last month’s mayoral election, however, is certainly worth mentioning. When local chil-dren’s daytime television fa-vourite Flabby the Clown ap-plied as mayoral candidate in the elections which are held every three years, a whole ar-

ray of emotions swamped the village: many were in shock, others were pleased with the ‘breath of fresh air’ in Twin-brook town hall, especially since the preceding three may-oral elections had only one candidate, Flabby’s opponent Maynard Hawks.

The naughty clown surprised with an unconventional cam-paign. Where mayor Hawks used the same slogan along-side a stern face shot four times in a row, Flabby’s cam-paign encompassed a variety of sensational events including hot air balloons, llamas and loads more clownish action. But despite the daring clown’s extensive campaigning, politi-cal analysts did not believe he had a shot at victory.

Although Flabby’s sympathet-ic character began winning the hearts of an increasing number of people, a convincing ma-

jority was still on the present mayor’s side. The without doubt most controversial elec-tion Twinbrook has ever seen came to a climax on March 31st, election day, when an as-tounding 97,4 per cent of Sims entitled to vote hit the booth.

The results were announced in the late evening of March 31st: it was declared that Flabby the Clown had won the elections with no less than 89 per cent of the votes. But the biggest shock didn’t come until April 1st when Hawks and Flabby explained during a press conference that the elec-tion results were false. ,,It was all an innocent April Fool’s Day joke!’’ Hawks explained.

Hoax or not, the ‘joke’ cer-tainly fired up the debate about the democratic value of a one candidate election. Whether or not Hawks will remain in function is yet to be seen.

8 70250 60903 8

Old woman opens snack bar for eas-ily chewable food

Experiment; kin-dergarten at great heights

Simnation: § 2.00

CONTENTSOpinions..............................................p2Community Voice.................................p3Weather...............................................p4Sudoku................................................p4Sports results......................................p4Comic..................................................p4

SUNSET VALLEY TIMESPAGE 2

Landmark Mystery SolvedInvestigators have final-ly discovered the truth.

BRIDGEPORT – Last month, Bridgeport and Champs Les Sims were mystified when cit-izens woke to a shocking dis-covery. Since then, everyone has been baffled by the mi-raculous change in the Eiffel Tower’s location. Seemingly overnight, this historic French landmark disappeared from its peaceful home, and found itself in downtown Bridge-port. Investigators have been working alongside scientist Gregory Yevosky to get to the bottom of this puzzle.

Over the past few weeks, theories have ranged from extra-terrestrial activity, para-normal intervention, cyber-imbalance and many others. However, Mr Yevosky and his team believe that they have fi-nally solved the mystery. “We have been working day and night to find the reason for this strange occurrence, and we believe we have a solution. I believe at exactly 2:16 am, a rival scientist by the name of Mr Larry Jenkins used a mo-lecular accelerator to rapidly transport the tower to down-town Bridgeport.” After shar-ing his theory with the police, they paid a visit to Mr Jenkins’

residence and discovered a rather peculiar machine in his basement. This confirmed the inventions existence, and Mr Jenkins is in police custody for questioning.

“We intend to find motives behind this seemingly point-less experiment,” says chief of police Sam Redman, “Un-til we have more information, Mr Jenkins will remain under police surveillance. The accel-erator has been confiscated.”

The tower remains secure, life has returned to normal again and citizens of both towns are glad this is behind them.

OPINIONSIllegal experimenting should be made ille-galWhat does our panel think of this argument?

Moustache Man visits Sunset Val-leyChildren running around the streets, the mayor polishing City Hall and young teens desperately trying to grow a moustache. Why, you ask? Because tomorrow, April 2nd, Moustache Man is coming to Sunset Valley! The superhero who has become a big hit on KidZ Zone, is now on a tour through several cities, giving his fans an oppurtunity to take a picture with their role model. Moustache Man’s agent has already told us that the event will be spectacular. Not only can you get pictures and au-tographs, there will also be a lot of merchandise, like rose-scented fake moustaches, for a nice smell underneath your nose all day. And there’s more: Moustache Man is said to be performing a trick including his moustache, fire and goats! If you are just as curious, visit City Hall tomorrow!

Siamese catfish invents house-keeping robotDid you ever hire a maid? Poor you. Maids are annoying. They eat out of your fridge, they are often kleptomaniacs and they even want your mon-ey too. But if you are too lazy to do some cleaning yourself, they are necessary, unfortu-nately. Well, not anymore!

Because now a Siamese cat-fish from Crystal Springs, named Bernard, has designed a special housekeeping robot! It does all the things a maid is supposed to do, but never does, like cleaning. When we headed down to Crystal Springs, we were surprised to see Bernard sitting in a chair at the waterfront. Then we asked him for a comment on his great deed, but all he said was: “April fools!”

The iconic Eiffel Tower is returned safely to it’s home in Champs Les Sims

Tracy ConnorTeenage girl

James Adley IIISr. Cricket player

BobHomeless

Like, do I look like I care about that? I mean, like, that’s like totally not interesting you know. Really, like, duh!

Of course they should be. What kind of non-sense inquiry is this? Isn’t the answer already given in the question?

If they’re experi-ments to make more money then I’m all in favor of them. Otherwise, I don’t care!And are you going to eat that sandwich?

PAGE 3

COMMUNITY VOICEHello readers! Oh, no, that sounds stupid, I’m a reader myself too. Err, hello hu-mans! Wait, is that how people call each other these days? I’m not sure. Popu-lar language changes too quickly for me to keep up. Well, at least you all are hu-mans, aren’t you? Unless you’re my newest invention, a humanoid self-thinking robot that loves to eat newspapers. Hm, probably not. Because in that case you would be chomping these letters rather than reading them.

Anyway, I have to continue with this... letter. Article. Or whatever it is. Err… what’s the appropriate thing to do right now? What do humans

usually do in this little, forgot-ten space in the paper? Intro-duce themselves? You prob-

ably don’t know me. I don’t know very many humans, that is. Well, I’ve seen a few! Like this morn-ing, when I was brushing my teeth and looked up from the sink, into some shiny object. And I think I saw one in

the reflection of my window when I was watering the plants yesterday. Those humans are sneaky!

Humans think I’m absurd and a weirdo. I don’t know why they would think that, I’m ac-tually very smart. I can hold a book and read it at the same time, that’s what they call multitasking!

By Agatha Lonea

Weather Woes In Sunset ValleySUNSET VALLEY – Resi-dents and meteorologists alike are beginning to question the on-going perfect weather that Sunset Valley experiences eve-ry day. The realisation of the impossibility of infinite good weather is troubling the minds of many, and has prompted an investigation from the SVWB (Sunset Valley Weather Bu-reau). “We have begun re-search into the peculiar con-sistency of weather patterns in Sunset Valley and surrounding

areas,” says head of SVWB Martin Mansfield. Residents wake every morning to sunny skies and beautiful weather. “When is it ever going to change?” says resident and avid gardener Abigail Phillips, “We’ve heard about things like snow and rain. When will we get them?” Results of the research are expected to be re-leased in the coming months, and residents eagerly await the outcome.

Mobile phones flood Sunset ValleyMobile phone usage among teens has ex-ploded and researchers believe they may have found the cause.

SUNSET VALLEY – Mobile phones have been around for years, but never were they as great in number and pontifi-cal in presence as today. The enormous increase in mobile phones of recent months has reached its staggering climax now reportedly no teen has been seen in the streets of Sunset Valley without a mo-bile phone.In an emergency investigation on the matter commissioned by the city council, research-ers came to some shocking conclusions. ,,We actually have reason to believe a causal relationship exists between

added functionality and rise in every day use,’’ head of the re-search team Marylyn T. Smith, PhD, comments on the find-ings. ,,We have seen an enor-mous rise in functionality with the introduction of so-called applications. We believe these may have something to do with the increase in use, espe-cially among teens.’’

Talking to such teens seems to confirm Smith’s analysis. ,,I do everything with my phone!’’ says self-proclaimed ‘super smart phone fan girl’ Tara Robinson. ,,Yes, of course I call with it, but I use it for so much more… thanks to this cool new application I can even comb my hair with it! Seriously, like, I’d rather lose my best friend than my phone. I mean, I only talk to her over

Phones have even spread to the most quiet of areas, like the library

the phone anyway.’’Teens using their phone liter-ally everywhere has proved to be nuisance to those not as ac-customed to the new technol-ogy. ,,Those rotten youngsters just keep blabbing and bleep-ing and whatnot!’’ Jean Parson of the Ancient Crypt Retire-ment Home insisted to tell us.Due to the many complaints (many of which, ironically, reported by phone), the city council is considering a ban.

Another unusually perfect day in Sunset Valley

SUNSET VALLEY TIMESPAGE 4

2 7 8

9 5 4 3

7 5 2

62

9

1

1

5

3 4

8 71

6 8

1

9

2

3 6

6 8

8

SUDOKU WEATHER FORECAST

Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri

23° 23° 23° 23° 23°

N N N N N

SPORTS RESULTS

It’s been another month of abysmal sporting failure for the Llamas. After their disap-pointing yet expected knock-out of the first round of the football league, the team is yet to achieve anything. In the past two months, half the team has “retired”, and the other half gained 100 pounds each due to the milkshake epidemic that hit the neighbourhood last month.

The Llamas are due to start training with a new coach, Jeff Kilar, this season, and the remaining 7 Llama sup-porters hope this will lead to the team’s first win in months against the Falcons next week-end.

COLOPHONSunset Valley Times was created by:

Brandon DognaJordy JVtjeMaarten

Suzan Wouter

CLASSIFIEDSLost: I have lost something very important. I’m not really sure what it was though, but it was really needed. If anyone has any idea, please call me on 1-800-555-0104

Found: A set of clothing. I don’t know whose it is, but it sure is a lot. It’s definatelly all mens clothing. There are aweful trousers, some box-

ers, a pair of socks, a speedo and two tank tops. Want them back? Contact me, N1O0

Help wanted: I’m looking for someone to cook my meals. I can’t cook at all, so if you can cook at all, please sent your cooking to 69 Beach Road.

For rent: Some space. I’ve got a few square meters left, that you can have. Just place it in your backyard, or the at-tic, if you need that little bit of extra room. Call 555-0123

Found: Something important. I don’t know what it is, but it’s in a big envelope marked “very important”. Just pick it up at 33 Sunset Drive