SURVIVE THE

LUCIS CAELUMS

H O W TO

Th e U noffic al G uide

BY C LA RU S A M I C I TI A

The day you are officially made the Shield, stock up on as much coffee or alcohol as you can get your hands on. You will need it.

01

If your monarch tells you they are going to do something stupid, just nod, tell them okay and prepare to clean up the mess.

02

When they first learn to warp make it very clear that if they get themselves stuck somewhere, i.e. the top of the Citadel, you will leave them there. They will soon learn.

03

You will likely discover that they have a hatred for vegetables. Be prepared to pin them down and force some down their throat. The medics will thank you for it, even your monarch does not.

04

Bemoaning your life is perfectly acceptable. Every Amicitia before you has done it and every Amicitia after you will also do it.

05

If they tell you they are going to fight the gods, tell them no and chain them to their beds if you have to. Do NOT let them fight a god. It will end badly.

06

They have questionable tastes in fashion, teach them otherwise.

07

Restrict their access to Kwetter unless you wish to spend hours being lectured by the PR department.

08

If you give them an inch they will take a mile. This includes, but is not limited to sleeping, training, playing video games and causing international disasters.

09

On the rare, or not so rare depending on the monarch, occasion they choose to drink, remove ALL weapons from the Armiger. Yes, they can still warp using something as small as a pea, but it will be significantly harder for them to do so and will limit the amount of damage they can do.

10

‘We don’t need backup, we’ll be fine on our own.’ This is a lie. Always bring backup.

11

Hip-flasks are an immensely useful addition to any Shield’s formal attire.

12

They are most active at night, having slept most of the morning away. During these hours you must be vigilant, they will either try to ‘escape’ from the Citadel or get revenge on you for ‘ruining their fun’.

13

Should your monarch ask you any of the following your answer must always be, yes:- "Do I look good in this?" (Or any variation of the same)- "Please tell me you hate the Council as much as I do."- "Want to go stargazing with me? "- "Will I be a good parent?"

14

Should your monarch ask you any of the following your answer must always be, no:-"Can’t I just stab/maim/kill them?"-"Do you think I could ride a Chocobo standing up?"-"Can I make a decree saying that vegetables are evil?"-"Would you help me prank [insert name here]?"-"Am I allowed to give an interview to that reporter from Galdin?"

15

Your monarch will at some point in their life, jump from the top of the Citadel and see how far down they can get before warping out of the fall. This is normal. Sit down, have a coffee and let the PR department deal with everything else.

16

There will come a day when your monarch breeds. Stay calm. Everything will be fine. You will have nine months plus however long it takes the child to learn to walk, to come up with a gameplan.

17

Be prepared for midnight phone calls.

18

If you receive a phone call at 2am asking you how they do something, tell them you’ll deal with it in the morning, hang up and immediately call whoever is guarding their door. If you are fast enough you should be able to catch them before something burns down.

19

Do NOT let them drive! You will instantly regret it and it will cost you a fortune in legal bills.

20

If you lose them don’t panic, simply check the highest point in your immediate vicinity. Chances are they’ll be sleeping there.

21

Check their cupboards/drawers/under the bed regularly. Chances are at one point you’ll find a hidden pet or three.

22

Make sure you know the layout of the Citadel by heart. Memorise the secret paths, rooms and exits. Your monarch will use all of the above and give you heart attacks.

23

One day they will come to you and ask to play a game of ‘dodgeball’. Do not. It will hurt.

24

Always remember, the offspring are twice as bad as the parent.

25

They will test your patience. Try not to kill them, it will save you a lot of paperwork.

26

Keep all permanent markers away from the younger Lucis Caelums, if you aren’t careful you’ll turn your back for one second, turn around and find them with cat whiskers drawn on their faces.

27

Do yourself a favour, if you’re ever required to go on a long trip with your monarch, do NOT let them eat any berries that you can’t 100% identify.

28

‘But I’m King/Queen’ is never an acceptable excuse. Don’t let them use it.

29

Befriend the Marshal, it’ll make your life a lot easier and also means you can dump a tonne of paperwork onto them with the promise of food and/or alcohol later.

30

It’s not your job to embarass them when among friends, but it’s definitely one of the perks.

31

It’s highly likely that they will try to get out of formal events and that you’ll be sent to track them down, check the roof of the Citadel and be prepared that they may try to warp off.

32

If you do have to leave your monarch alone, make sure you have someone watching them. They cannot be trusted alone. Take it from a man who did so and returned to a burnt out kitchen.

33

Should you annoy them, there is a very high possibility that they will somehow glue something of yours, possibly all of your office furniture, stuck to the ceiling.

34

Beware of walking past royal vehicles. It’s highly likely your monarch will be inside it, they will honk at you in an attempt to scare you.

35

NEVER leave your monarch alone with Imperial representatives. Things will be destroyed and treaties broken.

36

Make sure you have snacks hidden in your Council robes. Those meetings go on for hours and it’ll save a lot of complaining that evening if you already have something to give them.

37

Don’t get them angry. Just don’t. They can hold grudges for a long time and have a large arsenal of weapons at their disposal.

38

Things can and will go exceptionally wrong when they are involved.

39

Never call them a coward. They can and will take it as a challenge.

40

Prank wars are guaranteed. Expect immense property damage, articles that you wish were never published and paint in places paint should never be.

41

Don’t touch your monarchs not-so-secret stash of sweets. They will know it was you and it is not worth it.

42

Do not talk about the Chancellor of Nifleheim’s rumoured relation to the line of Lucis. He is a crime against humanity and they take exception to his mere existence.

43

They are not allowed sugar past 5pm. No exceptions.

44

Should you choose to observe their training, it would be wise to keep a fair distance. When it comes to Blizzaga, Thundaga or Firaga, they are useless at aiming and will most likely hit you.

45

If you see them running away from the medical wing, catch them and drag them back to the medics by their ear if you have to. Nothing is worth angering them.

46

Mythbusters is banned for a reason. Do NOT let them watch it.

47

In their eyes alarm clocks are evil things that must be destroyed. You’ll need an entire storeroom full of the things. These won’t last long so make sure you keep enough hidden around the Citadel.

48

Try not to make them jump. I have borne witness to a monarch accidentally warping out of a window after being spooked. Whilst it was hillarious the cost of the replacement window was not.

49

As tempting as it is, don’t hide their video games. It’s not worth it. Trust me.

50

'WISH I HAD THIS 2000 YEARS AGO' G I L G A M E S H

' THE H IGH COMMANDER LAUGHED FORTHE F IRST T IME IN AGES. 'THE CHANCELLOR OF N IFLHEIM

' I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT THIS ! DEAL ING WITH THE LUCIS CAELUM'S ISNO EASY JOB ' GLADIOLUS AMIC IT IA

'BURY ME WITH A COPY OF THIS SO I CAN TORMENT THEM IN THE AFTERLIFE . 'COR LEONIS

'A H IT IN N IFLHEIM. EMPEROR ALDERCAPT GIVES A THUMBS UP. 'GRALEA GAZETTE