SURRENDER

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SURRENDERFirst published September, 1985.

Copyright @ 1985, Hazelden Foundation.All rights reserved. No portion of this

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"Some of us have tried to hold on to our oldideas and the result was nil - until we let goabsolutely," is from Chapter Five of The BigBook and is read daily at thousands of A.A.meetings.

The same idea is repeated in different ways atother TwelveStep recovery group meetings. Thebasic message is that we recover only by com-pletely giving up attitudes and practices thatcreate problems.

Surrender is what's needed to let go. Itdoesn't come easily for most of us. Many of ushave difficulty accepting a recovery program,while others make half-hearted attempts to re-cover only to relapse later. And even thoseamong us who achieve sobriety have troublesurrendering bad habits and ideas which createproblems in our sober lives.

Resist it though we may, surrender is the onlydoor to recovery. It is also the door to growth insobriety. Real surrender includes a powerful de-sire for change, as well as a complete readinessto part company with our old ways. It is a real-ization that change is necessary even though itincludes risk and pain. People have stayed soberin A.A. for years; however, after having slips

ISBN: 0-89486-325-8

Printed in the United States of America.

Editor's Note:Hazelden Educational Materials offers a vari-

ety of information on chemical dependency andrelated areas. Our publications do not necessar-ily represent Hazelden or its programs, nor dothey officially speak for any TwelveStep organi-zation.

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they've admitted they haven't really surrenderedthe old ideas that led to drinking.

Every Step of the A.A. * program includessurrender. The biggest hurdle, of course, is theFirst Step, which means surrendering our badlymisplaced belief that we can handle alcohol.The Second and Third Steps call for surrenderto a Higher Power. Along the way, there is alsothe Sixth Step, which takes up the matter ofbecoming "entirely ready" to surrender one'sdefects of character. All of the TwelveSteps canbe difficult challenges for alcoholics and othercompulsive, rebellious people.

often be a bed of quicksand for the chemicallydependent person.

We hear proof of this problem in personalstories at meetings. Here are a few examples:

On Temper-"Sure, I got sober and stayed sober. But I had

an ugly temper that got even worse after I quitdrinking. I made everybody pretty miserablewith it. I didn't want to live the program be-cause a bad temper was useful to me, in a sickway. I could use it to put an end to an argumentI was losing. I could blow my top and intimi-date the kids. For a while, I even conned mywife into thinking it was her fault when I gotmad. I finally started to deal with the problemwhen other people refused to take my s- anylonger and I was forced to look at what I reallywas! "

Why Is Total SurrenderNecessary?

In dealing with other problems and short-comings, we may try to avoid total surrender byhanging on to things which still seem importantto us: a little gossip, a resentment now andthen, hidden excurs,ions into sex, a few dishon-esties, etc. We are dismayed and bitter whensuch things backfire on us. We may even dis-cover we have to make the same total surrenderof other problems as we did when we gave upalcohol. The middle ground in anything can

'Or any other Twelve Step program.

On Resentments-''Anybody who thinks you get over resent-

ments just by staying dry is nuts. I had to getsober just to learn how bad my resentmentswere. I heard right away that you can releaseresentments by praying for the people who in-jured you and by wishing them well. I didn'treally want to do that, and I kept on hurting.Finally it dawned on me that I secretly felt itwas cowardly to forgive, and that if I had any

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real backbone I would try to get even. When Igave up this phony idea, I could also release myresentments, though it still comes hard."

On Low Self-Esteem-"I was embarrassed to learn that low self-

esteem helped make me a show-off in the bars.Even before finding A.A., I hated myself forbuying drinks for everybody when the familywas going without things they needed.

"I wish I could say my self-esteem improveddramatically when I found A.A. But there aretimes I still find myself saying and doing thingssimply to get approval or attention. I am stillstruggling with the strong belief that peoplewon't like me if they really know me. And I haveto learn that my real self - the person Godcreated - is okay and doesn't need approval orattention. "

sway of the inflated ego show three markedtraits; namely, 1) the belief they are special oromnipotent; 2) an inability to accept frustra-tion; and 3) an excessive drive with a need to dothings quickly. With such people, selfish con-siderations always come first, and there is alsoan insensitivity to the needs and opinions ofothers. "I want what I want when I want it," isthe guiding motive.

We hear a lot about the inflated ego in recov-ery programs. It can make any of us squirm toreview Tiebout's listing of th~ marked traits. Inrecovery, we can admit we thought we were"special" and that the ordinary rules and re-strictions of society did not apply to us. Weleaped into the bottle rather than accept frustra-tion, and we often did things quickly (and per-haps sloppily) because our duties involved dis-comfort and boredom. We lived in a fantasyworld and wanted to be relieved of the tasks andresponsibilities others have to face. And even insobriety, the inflated ego can reassert itself andlead us into problems. A "special" person whodidn't follow rules while drinking can also be-come restive about the need to follow the 1WelveSteps. A person who had trouble with frustra-tion while drinking may still struggle with it insobriety. And the need or drive to do thingsquickly always carries the possiblity of trouble,

Barriers to Surrender

But even when one has been battered nearlyto death, there may be formidable barriers inthe path to surrender. The ego barrier, accord-ing to the late Dr. Harry M. Tiebout, is the mostformidable block. A pioneer in the treatment ofalcoholism, Tiebout insisted the inflated egohas to be surrendered before one can recoverfrom alcoholism. He believed people under the

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because it can make us careless and inattentive.If there is any answer to these problems, it'sprobably in realizing the inflated ego and itstraits always have to be surrendered anew.

Counterfeits of Surrender

Tiebout and other experts also identifiedfalse forms of surrender that lead both victimsand their counselors astray. Perhaps one of themost deceptive counterfeits of surrender is com-pliance. It is especially deceptive because it canappear plausible and convincing.

People who find sanctuary in compliancefool themselves and others because they showoutward signs of meeting the requirements forrecovery. They will attend meetings, say theright things about their drinking or other drugdependency, will appear interested in the princi-ples of recovery, and honestly seem grateful tobe living a sober life.

But the deadly shortcoming of compliance isthat it takes place only on the surface. Compli-ance does not really touch the roots of the vic-tim's problems. With compliance, thoughts andfeelings that contributed to alcoholism remainintact, ready to break out with renewed bitter-ness. And by appearing to be so plausible andsincere, the complying person disarms those

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who might help penetrate the ego barrier. Thevictim neatly blocks any real examination of thethoughts and feelings that feed the insanity ofalcoholism.

Yet the real problem with compliance is notthat it deceives professionals and support grouppeople who could otherwise be of help. Theworst part of compliance is self-deception: thecomplying person may actually think he or shehas really surrendered and that no further self-honesty is needed.

There is no foolproof way tp tell whether an-other person has truly surrendered or is onlypracticing compliance. But there may be a fewclues which show how a person really feels. Oneclue is any tendency to blame drinking on peo-ple, places, or circumstances: "I can't stay soberas long as my wife insists on serving drinks atparties!" Or, "Who wouldn't have to get drunkevery night, living in a crummy town like this?"Or, "No wonder I developed a drinking prob-lem, living with a man (woman) like that!" An-other revealing clue is anything that shows get-ting drunk as a reward: "Getting my firstcollege degree at age 35, I had a right to cele-brate!" And compliance is usually evident whenwe tailor our behavior to the expectations ofothers but quickly revert to the old patternswhen nobody is looking.

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Compliance is not all bad, and it can serve auseful purpose by exposing the person to ideasand suggestions which may prove helpful lateron, after true surrender occurs. However, thecomplying person is somewhat like the collegestudent who attends classes but resists the learn-ing process; the real message does not getthrough.

A second counterfeit of surrender is submis-sion, which is similar to compliance. Whiledrinking, we alcoholics tend to find protectorsor strong people who will serve as enablers andhelp us continue drinking. In recovery pro-grams, some alcoholics also seek out strongpeople who run their lives for them, sometimeswithout either party realizing what is happen-ing. In submitting to another's direction, theperson avoids real soul-searching and takes on,for a short time, the sponsor's attitudes andopinions. This means no real personal change istaking place. As with compliance, the person ismerely making a surface change for the purposeof getting approval and acceptance.

Submission appears to work for a time, but itis likely to end in rebellion, with both peoplebitter and disillusioned. The rebellious alco-holic voices indignation and resentment overthe way the sponsor has exercised dominance;while the sponsor, in turn, is bitter about the

protege's eventual rejection of the program: "Idid everything for that guy but spoon-feed him,and he still got drunk on me!"

A third counterfeit of surrender could betermed the blanket self-indictment. This is asweeping admission of total guilt and is usuallyaccompanied by a statement such as: "When Icame into A.A., I was bankrupt in every respect- physically, financially, and morally." Thisstatement is then used to imply that all prob-lems, including character defects, have beensurrendered and dealt with.

But this might be just a smoke screen to hidethe really painful things that bother us. Theblanket self-indictment is unsatisfactory be-cause it does not focus on the specific problemsand exact wrongs which cry for attention. Wecan actually be terribly sick in certain areas ofour lives and still healthy in others, just as aperson may have a weak heart and good lungs.It simply is not enough - and it is not truesurrender - to say everything is wrong. Wehave to know just where and why we are hurtingbefore we can really get well.

There may be other counterfeits of surrender.What we need to deal with, then, is the realiza-tion that only true surrender can carry the dayfor us - and it's our responsibility to let ithappen. One surprising fact about surrender is

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Drawing Near to God: The Spiritual Surrender

Perhaps the highest hurdle in the- recoveryprogram is the idea of surrendering to a HigherPower, God as we understand Him. "Let Goand Let God," a slogan we often hear, is really asuggestion that we surrender our problems to aHigher Power and let this Power work in ourbehalf.

The strange thing about this phase of surren-der is that most of us will admit it works forsome people, and yet we may not be willing tolet it work in our own lives. We know, forexample, that people experience amazing andbeneficial transformations as a result of reli-gious conversions. This fact was a key point inadvice the distinguished Carl Jung gave to aman in 1931- advice that led to the foundingof Alcoholics Anonymous four years later.

We might admire another person's spiritualexperience or religious conversion, and yet beunable to accept the same ideas for our ownlives. How can we pass over this barrier, whichmay be a very real one for us?

We can do it by striving for open-mindednessand a willingness to believe. A person can evenstake out a position by accepting this statementas a sort of personal goal: "I know other peoplehave been changed for the better by their beliefin a Higher Power. I want the same experiengefor myself and for my own recovery. If it ispossible for others, recovery is also possible forme. I am willing to surrender any preconceivedideas that might keep me from having a spirit-ual awakening, or what some call a spiritualrebirth. I am willing to listen to the experiencesothers share with me. I am willing to try prayerand meditation, or such other exercises thatmay help me in making contact with a HigherPower. And even if nothing happens for thetime being, I will attend meetings of recoverygroups and maintain an open mind about thepossibilities of growth along spiritual lines."

This is all that's needed or expected in theearly phase. No person should be expected tomake a real surrender to a Higher Power if he orshe is not really convinced that it makes sensefor them. Some of the early A.A.s, for exam-

that it takes place selectively, on the person'sown time schedule. A person may have aston-ishing success in surrendering the drinkingproblem, and yet fail repeatedly in surrenderinganother difficulty. We should not be too hardon ourselves when we fail. But we should not letourselves off the hook by blaming our failureon mysterious forces rather than our own un-willingness to make a complete surrender.

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pIe, asked people to pray with them on theirknees, apparently in the belief that this inducedthe needed spiritual surrender. This practice wassoon abandoned, probably because the A.A. pi-oneers realized true surrender happens differ-ently for each person.

Surrender to Win

Whatever it takes, surrender is the doorway tovictory over alcohol and other compulsions. Insome mysterious way, our bad habits lock them-selves in, so efforts to defeat them only push usdeeper into the mire. Willpower and mental ef-fort usually make things worse in dealing withcompulsions. Try as we will, we don't have whatit takes to overcome these devilish problems.

Although the path of surrender seems hardand difficult, it is easier in the long run than themethods we have been using with such disas-trous results. It is painful to admit one is analcoholic and needshelp - but it is more pain-ful to be a practicing alcoholic and to face fur-ther battering at the hands of John Barleycorn.It may appear humiliating to become affiliatedwith a recovery group where people share theirthoughts and feelings so openly. It is more hu-miliating to continue in the failure and degrada-tion that come to alcoholics. It also requires

self-discipline and a firm resolve to attend meet-ings and to pay attention to the things necessaryfor growth in sobriety. But this self-discipline isnothing compared with the vicious bondage welive under as slaves to alcohol and other com-pulsions. We find true freedom, in fact, onlywhen we surrender.

We surrender to win. The prizes are sobriety,true freedom, self-respect, serenity, confidence,health, and growth in happiness. With so muchto win, the only mystery is why it took some ofus so long to give up!

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IlzeldenoHazelden Pocket Power Series

A series of inspirational pamphlets small enough to carry with youwherever you go. Short enough to read in one sitting, each pocket-size,16 page pamphlet uses traditional A.A. philosophy to deal with the dif-ferent stages and emotions encountered during recovery.Accepting Criticism Living the PrinciplesOrder No. 5366 Order No. 5352Forgiveness LonelinessOrder No. 5364 Order No. 5363

Freedom from Fear Loving RelationshipsOrder No. 1282 Order No. 5353Gratitude Miracles in RecoveryOrder No. 1331 Order No. 5402Great Expectations PatienceOrder No. 5365 Order No. 5361

Honesty Reaching Out to OthersOrder No. 1336 Order No. 5400

Hope SerenityOrder No. 1337 Order No. 5362

Humility SurrenderOrder No. 1338 Order No. 5449Inadequacy When Doors CloseOrder No. 5360 Order No. 5354Just for Today Pocket Power CollectionOrder No. 1339 Order No. 5905Letting GoOrder No. 5351

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