Summary of Nonviolent CommunicationDecember 1, 2012byWilliam EdenLeave a Comment

Nonviolent Communicationis a communication and conflict-resolution process developed by the psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. The book focuses on how to express ourselves in a way that inspires empathy in others, and how to listen to them empathically in turn. This system radically changed my understanding of human interactions, and using these techniques with myself greatly reduced my own level of self-judgment. I highly recommend this book.Four Key Steps Observation specific facts/data, no evaluation/judgment Feeling state how we feel (many failure modes here) Need the need underlying this feeling Request must be specific action to address needWhen ___, I feel ___, because I am needing ___. Therefore, I would now like ___.Life-alienating forms of communication Moralistic judgments Comparisons Making demands Denying responsibility : Vague, impersonal forces Condition, diagnosis, psychological history Actions of others Dictates of authority Group pressure Policies, rules, regulations Social roles: gender, age, etc. Uncontrollable impulsesObservationsSpecific observations what we are sensing: sight, sound, touchObservation with evaluation is received as criticism Evaluation words: Always, never, ever, whenever, frequently, seldomFeelingsThe actions of others may be a stimulus, but not a cause, of our feelingsClear expression: I feel (emotion)Feeling not expressed clearly when I feel followed by: Like, that, as if Pronouns Other people Description of what we think we are How we think others perceive usWays to mask accountability Starting sentence with it or that Only mention actions of others I feel (emotion) because (anyone other than I) Substitute, I feel (emotion) because I NeedsBasic human needs: Autonomy: to choose ones goals, values, plans Celebration: creation of life and goals fulfilled, celebrate loss through mourning Integrity: authenticity, creativity, self-worth Interdependence: acceptance, appreciation, community, enriching life, safety, empathy, honesty, love, respect, support, trust, understanding Play: fun, laughter Spiritual Communion: peace, harmony, beauty Physical Nurturance: food, exercise, rest, sex, shelter, touch, protectionJudgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needsAsking to have our needs met directly makes compassion easier for others: people hear criticism and attempt defense/counterattack when indirectStages of Emotional Liberation:1. We believe we are responsible for the feelings of others (keep everyone happy)2. We no longer want to be responsible for the feelings of others (anger at our own unmet needs)3. We take responsibility for our actions, respond to the needs of others out of compassionAssessing needs is especially important when addressing a group! Much time is wasted when speakers arent clear what response they want back so ask them! Also unclear when needs are actually met, we can signal by saying things like got itRequestsRequest what we want, not what we dont want Negative requests can cause confusion and resistanceMake requests for specific actions Avoid vague, abstract, ambiguous phrasing Vague language also results in internal confusion More likely to get what we wantAsk the listener to reflect it back in their own words Express appreciation, say Im grateful to you for telling me what you heard. Dont chastise them for getting it wrong, say I didnt make myself as clear as I would have liked, let me try again. Empathize with the listener who doesnt want to reflect backAfter weve expressed ourselves, we often want to know: What the listener is feeling What the listener is thinking, specify what thoughts we want them to share Whether the listener is willing to take a particular actionRequests are not always implicitly understood from feelings/needs Requests without feelings/needs can sound like demands We may not even be conscious of what we are requestingRequests are received as demands when they think they will be blamed/punished for non-compliance Two options with demands: submit or rebel The more we did this in the past, the more our current actions are perceived as such (poisoned relationships) Figures of authority also face the same challenge Do not interpret non-compliance as rejection Empathizing with someones no protects us from taking it personally Do not engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what prevented that persons acceptance Signs we will judge others for non-compliance: saying should, supposed to, justified, have a rightListening empathicallyNo matter what words people use, listen for the four steps.Empathy is emptying the mind and listening with our entire self, which only occurs when we have shed preconceived notions and judgments.Reflect back to others what we heard This reveals our understanding, while eliciting necessary corrections Offers them some time to reflect on their own words Dont ask for information without first sensing the speakers reality (e.g. Why are you feeling that way?) If we do that, at least first state our own feelings and needs behind the question Hearing a paraphrase will be more reassuring than simply saying you understand Reflection is most desired when their message is emotionally charged Be very careful with tone of voice, people are sensitive to criticism/sarcasm, or a declarative tone If others are routinely skeptical of your motives, check your intentionsAllow others to fully express themselves before turning to requests or solutions The initial feeling might be followed by related, unexpressed emotions Persist in empathy until the speaker has exhausted all of their feelings, marked by a release of tension in the body, or the speaker stops talking Recognize the release of tension in their body by feeling a corresponding release in our ownThe best time to interrupt a conversation is when weve heard one more word than we want to hear Interrupt with empathy, they might be needing it without realizing Openly express our desire to be more connected and request information Lifeless conversations for the listener are equally so for the speaker It is more considerate to interrupt than to pretend to listenWhen we have trouble empathizing with others, it is a sign we require empathy ourselves Listen to what is going on in ourselves using the same empathy we give others Scream nonviolently, by calling attention to our own desperate pain and need in the moment, they may listen even through their own distress Physically remove ourselves from the situationCommon behaviors we do instead of empathy Advising One-upping Educating Consoling Story-telling Shutting them down Sympathizing Interrogating Explaining CorrectingIntellectual understanding blocks empathy We are not present when analyzing their words to see how they fit our model Be with them and their experience entirely We may sympathize by feeling their feelings, but this is not being present eitherIt may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to usSelf-empathyNVCs most important application!We have all learned limiting beliefs Transforming this destructive thinking requires a literacy of needs and self-awareness NVC allows us to recognize this conditioning through the four main stepsSelf-judgments, like judgments of others, are expressions of unmet needs Critical self-concepts prevent us from seeing our beauty, only our shortcomings When we are motivated by shame, we are allowing our learning to by guided by self-hatred When motivated by fear/guilt/shame/hatred, our actions do not feel playful/joyful We should be stimulated by a clear desire to enrich life for ourselves and others (positive motivation) Negative motivations include: Extrinsic reward: money, approval Escape punishment Avoid shame Avoid guilt Sense of dutySteps to attain self-empathy Recognize self-judgment and focus on the underlying needs First ask what needs lie behind the judgment Then ask what needs lie behind the judged action By focusing on our needs, we will naturally begin to figure out ways to meet themTranslate I have to to I choose to because I want to gain awareness of our actionsExpressing angerAcknowledge that we are responsible for our own anger, others are stimulus not cause Confusing this boundary is used to motivate others by guilt Anger is judgment generated by disconnection to our needs We can also look at the other persons feelings and needs and empathize with them to understand their behaviorAnger is valuable as a warning that we have unmet needs Yet also makes it unlikely for our needs to be met People are unable to hear our pain if they believe they are at fault Directs energy towards punitive actionSteps to fully express anger:1. Stop and breathe2. Identify judgmental thoughts3. Connect with our needs4. (If necessary, empathize with the other person)5. Express our feelings and unmet needsExpressing appreciationEveryone yearns to be genuinely appreciated. Dont assume that other people know the intensity of our appreciation.Judgments, even positive ones, are still judgments: statements like you are a good person reveal nothing of what is going on for the speaker.Three components of appreciation: The specific actions which contributed to our well-being The needs of ours that have been fulfilled The pleasurable feelings engendered by fulfillment of those needsReceive appreciation with the same empathy we give other messages We tend to search for improvements instead of celebrating how well things are going We are often uncomfortable receiving praise, dont receive with superiority or false humility When we listen to the effect we have had on others, we can realize the joyous reality that we can make each others lives betterCultivate an awareness of what others are doing that enriches our lives, and tell them!