8  Paths  to  a  Stronger  Sentence   1. Up-Front the Action

• Problem: In response to the issue of equality for educational and occupational mobility, it is my belief that a system of inequality exists in the school system.

i. Find the Action: what’s actually going on. Who is doing something, and what

are they doing? § In response to the issue of equality for educational and occupational

mobility, it is my belief that a system of inequality exists in the school system.

ii. Start Fast: move the actor and the action to the front of the sentence. iii. Avoid Prepositions: avoid beginning with prepositional phrase strings (in, to, of,

for, from, etc.). reduce your reliance on long prepositional phrases. iv. Strengthen the Verb: if the action is in a linking verb (is be am are was were

been being has have had do does did may might can could shall should will would must ought) try to transform it into a short strong verb.

• Solution: I believe gender inequality exists in our schools.

• Problem: The project is likely to result in a minor population increase in the city

from families relocating to the site from outside the community. • Solution: The project will likely attract new families to the city.

2. Delete Empty Modifiers Avoid empty adjectives like really, very, quite, actually, virtually, generally, various They are both vague (one person'’ very hot is not the same as another’s) as well as immature sounding in technical contexts: “The steel was quite soft.” The “quite” doesn’t add anything to the sentence beyond extra words. Actually tell us what the measurement is? Be specific. 3. Avoid Noun Strings Unless readers are familiar with your terminology (or jargon), avoid using phrases with many consecutive nouns (noun strings).

• Problem: NASA continues to work on the International Space Station astronaut living-quarters module development project.

• Solution: NASA is still developing the module that will provide living quarters for the astronauts aboard the International Space Station.

4. Avoid Vague Nouns Try to avoid using the following vague, all-purpose nouns, which sometimes lead to wordiness, especially when used in prepositional phrases: factor, aspect, area, situation, consideration, degree, case.

• Problem: Consumer demand is rising in the area of services. • Solution: Consumers are demanding more services. • Problem: Strong reading skills are an important factor in students' success in

college. • Solution: Students' success in college depends on their reading skills.

5. Avoid “It Can Be Seen”; “Clearly”; “Everybody Knows” Try to remove “it can be seen” and “from looking at” from your sentences for conciseness and directness.

• Problem: It can be seen from looking at Table 1, that the hardness testing of the 1014 was lower than that of the 1045.

• Solution: Table 1 illustrates that the macro hardness testing of the 1014 was lower than that of the 1045.

Similarly, try to avoid phrases like “it is apparent that” or “clearly.” It’s your job as a writer to make things apparent and clear through description, not to say things are apparent.

6. Avoid Unclear Pronoun Usage When  you  use  pronouns  like  “it,”  “this,”  “they,”  etc.,  you  need  to  make  sure  you  are  clear  about  what  “it”  is.  If  you  have  numerous  nouns  in  the  preceding  sentence.  You  probably  can’t  use  “it.”

• Problem:  Hardenability  is  defined  by  the  ease  with  which  the  martensitic  transformation  is  effected,  and  is  measured  by  depth  on  a  jominy  test,  after  putting  it  through  a  heat  treatment  process.

• Here,  “it”  could  refer  back  to  “hardenability,”  “martensitic  transformation,”  or  “the  jominy  test”  or  something  from  a  preceding  sentence.

7. Avoid Repetition Unless necessary, try not to repeat the same word or sentence opening multiple times in a few sentences; it draws your reader’s eye to something that doesn’t need attention:

• “…rhetoric is used to influence the reader within this topic. Within the three articles it was clear that both subjectivity and bias.”

• “C has reached temperatures reaching high enough to ensure that the metal has austenitic microstructure and has essentially undergone a heat treatment.”

• “The samples were prepped for mounting in Bakelite by grinding one side of the sample and removing any debris that formed on the sample during heat treatment.”

8. Avoid Free-Floating This You may notice me writing “free-floating this” when you start a sentence with “this” or have “this” somewhere in your sentence. For example, “This illustrates a higher macro hardness in steel.” In general, it’s good practice to tether your “this” to a keyword so your reader knows what “this” is referring to in your previous sentence: • Problem: This illustrates a higher macro hardness in steel. • Solution: This high measurement illustrates a higher macro hardness in steel.

Quiz + Solutions

1. The establishment of a different approach on the part of the committee has become a necessity. Solution The committee has to approach it differently. 2. Thomas was always unprepared for class. This made his teacher increasingly mad. Solution: Thomas was always unprepared for class, and this habit of his drove his teacher crazy. 3. The wind pattern was further illustrated following a recovery boiler electrostatic precipitator fire at the site in 1988. Solution: The wind pattern was further illustrated following a fire in the electrostatic precipitator of a recovery boiler at the site in 1988. 4. This report explains our investment growth stimulation projects. Solution: This report explains our projects to stimulate growth in investments. 5. It is a matter of the gravest possible importance to the health of anyone with a history of a problem with disease of the heart that he or she should avoid the sort of foods with a high percentage of saturated fats. Solution: Anyone with a history of heart disease should avoid saturated fats. 6. The number of colonies observed without delay after culture was a reflection of the efficacy of the drug. Solution: The reduced number of colonies after the culture reflects the efficacy of the drug. 7. In the case of Mais (TC, 1968), the taxpayer was able to exclude from gross income embezzled funds that were repaid during the year the funds were embezzled but the taxpayer was not allowed to exclude embezzled funds to be repaid in a subsequent year. Solution: Mais (TC, 1968) allowed the taxpayer to exclude embezzled funds repaid during the same year but not those repaid in a later year. 9. Perception is the process of extracting information from stimulation emanating from

the objects, places, and events in the world around us Solution: Perception extracts information from the outside world. 10. Everybody knows that the most important thing about Charley is that Charley is a

good man. Solution: Charley is a good man.

Quiz

1. The establishment of a different approach on the part of the committee has become a

necessity. 2. Thomas was always unprepared for class. This made his teacher increasingly mad. 3. The wind pattern was further illustrated following a recovery boiler electrostatic

precipitator fire at the site in 1988. 4. This report explains our investment growth stimulation projects.

5. It is a matter of the gravest possible importance to the health of anyone with a history

of a problem with disease of the heart that he or she should avoid the sort of foods with a high percentage of saturated fats.

6. The number of colonies observed without delay after culture was a reflection of the

efficacy of the drug.’ 7. In the case of Mais (TC, 1968), the taxpayer was able to exclude from gross income

embezzled funds that were repaid during the year the funds were embezzled but the taxpayer was not allowed to exclude embezzled funds to be repaid in a subsequent year.

8. Perception is the process of extracting information from stimulation emanating from

the objects, places, and events in the world around us. 9. Everybody knows that the most important thing about Charley is that Charley is a

good man.