STRICTLY BALLROOM THE MUSICAL

BOOK BY

BAZ LUHRMANN & CRAIG PEARCE

ADAPTED BY

TERRY JOHNSON

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WEST YORKSHIRE PLAYHOUSE SCRIPT JANUARY 2017

ACT ONE

BARRY V/O Ladies and Gentlemen the National Australian Federation of Dance, NAFOD strictly prohibits the use of cameras and recording devices. These dancers are caked in lead based makeup and highly flammable hairspray. One tiny flash from the camera could cause a terrible explosion. And remember folks – keep things strictly ballroom.

The curtain rises to reveal Scott appears with 100 on his back.

JJ SILVERS V/O Welcome to Woongabbie Town Hall for the 1985 inter-regional Ballroom Dance Championships!

WOONGABBIE TOWN HALL

MUSIC: WHEN YOU’RE STRICTLY BALLROOM

CHORUS SEE THE ANGLE OF MY ARM THE TILT OF MY CHIN THE BLISTERING PRECISION OF MY TELEMARK AND WING CHASSE, PROMENADE DOUBLE REVERSE SPIN IT'S STRICTLY BALLROOM HERE COMES THE DRAG HESITATION THE FALLAWAY WHISK THE TEARS, SWEAT AND BLEEDING'S BEEN LEADING TO THIS PERFECTION! NIRVANA! I'M OWNING THIS SHIT IT'S STRICTLY BALLROOM WHEN YOU'RE STRICTLY BALLROOM LIFE IS PERFECT ALL THE TIME OBEY THE REGULATIONS AND YOU'LL CLIMB PRAISE THE FEDERATION YOUR SALAVATION'S GUARANTEED STRICTLY BALLROOM IS ALL YOU NEED JJ SILVERS

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen! You’re gorgeous! I’m your host for this evening JJ Silvers. Do you like my jacket? Just something I picked up from a carboot sale. Now before the competition starts I have to tell you I'm excited because we are in the presence of greatness, the man behind the legendary video series Dance to Win – is here with us tonight, our beloved Federation President; Barry Fife

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MUSIC: BARRY FIFE BARRY THANK YOU ONE AND ALL LOOKING AT THIS SEA OF TANNED FACES IT MAKES ME WARM AND HAPPY DANCERS IT'S A PLEASURE, PRESIDENT FIFE BARRY THE PLEASURE IS ALL MINE GLAD TO TAKE THE TIME TO COME DOWN HERE TO... WHERE THE HELL ARE WE? YES, WOONGABBI

I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO ADJUDICATE SURE I’M TOUGH BUT I’M FAIR, FOLKS BEFORE WE ALL BEGIN PURCHASE ‘DANCE TO WIN’ I’VE GOT PLENTY TO SPARE FOLKS I'M CHOKKAS WITH WISDOM ON A MISSION FOR PRECISION AND IT'S MY DECISION WHO GOES HOME THE CHAMP THEY'RE TREMBLING WITH FEAR COS THEIR PRESIDENT'S HERE SO LET'S DANCE DANCE! DANCE! JJ SILVERS

Thank you, Barry. And as our couples take to the floor for the first round of the competition – the old Viennese Waltz- let’s hear it for our dance studio entries! First, representing the Worrarwee Studios; and she's cut like an emerald, its couple 176; Jonathan Drench and Emily Waters!

Couple 176 dance downstage JJ SILVERS

And sitting pretty in the pink for the Cumberland Studios, its couple number 69. The ever reliable Ken Railings and Pam Short!

Couple 69 dance downstage.

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JJ SILVERS And a big fruity cheer for couple number 62, representing the Shilalee's; its Muriel Shunt and Tommy Arbunt.

Couple 62 dance downstage. JJ SILVERS

And over here in the orange, it's the Bo Peeps. Now, don't be sheepish, - how about it for couple number 58 - Stephanie Shanks and Liam Lamb!

Couple 58 dance down stage.

But I tell you what; I'd like to stay impartial but there's one little studio here that's trembling with excitement and that's the Kendall Studio, ladies and gentlemen; here, in blistering form their faces bright with hope, that tonight they’ll be bringing home the trophy…. Scott Hastings and Elizabeth Holt!

SCOTT/LIZ Gotta get it right, gotta keep it tight That cup is ours tonight We’re going to be ballroom stars.

SHIRLEY C'mon, number 100!

JJ SILVERS And may the best couple win!!!!

CHORUS NATURAL HESITATION CHANGE CHASSE TO THE RIGHT MY PARTNER, MY COSTUME EACH MOVE IT COMPLIES I'M DOTTING MY T'S AND I'M CROSSING MY EYES I'M STRICTLY BALLROOM SINCE I FIRST HELD A GLUE GUN AND SEQUINNED THESE SHOES I'VE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT AND I'VE STUCK TO THE RULES YOU SHOULD SEE MY TROPHIES MY MANTLE IS FULL I'M STRICTLY BALLROOM EVERY LIMB I MOVE IS PRE-APPROVED BY THE LAW THE FACT IS ALL THAT MATTERS IS THE SCORE PRAISE THE FEDERATION OUR SALVATION LIES WITHIN NO-ONE STEPS OUT OF LINE NO ONE STEPS OUT OF LINE

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NO ONE DARES DISAGREE NO ONE DARES DISAGREE STRICTLY BALLROOM IS ALL YOU NEED.

Big finish with Scott and Liz now the centre of all our attention! As the applause fades... JJ SILVERS

That's marvellous; marvellous. Now of course we don't do favourites here at Woongabbie, but the Kendall Studio is having such a tremendous year I thought we might have a word with them.

Les; you're the man in charge!

Shirley Hastings steps forward and pulls the mic towards her. SHIRLEY

I'm Shirley Hastings, I’m Scott's mother... LES

Yes, I'm the proprietor . SHIRLEY

And I'm Scott’s mother. LES

Shirley and I are partners – not romantically. I’m what you might call wedded to the dance.

SHIRLEY

And Scott's my son. JJ SILVERS

And this is your husband Doug. SHIRLEY

Well, Doug plays the records… JJ SILVERS (to Doug) And are you proud of your son Doug? SHIRLEY

Oh, we couldn't be prouder. LES

We've coached Scott since he was a little tacker, and we all know this year is his year.

JJ SILVERS

And Wayne; Wayne Burns; what's it like being trounced by your best mate season after season?

WAYNE (Awkward) Well, I try to give him a run for his money.

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SHIRLEY

Scott's on track to be the next Pan Pacific Gran Prix Open Amateur Five Dance Latin American Champion!

JJ SILVERS

Well; we're all rooting for him and now, yes; I think it's time...

SHIRLEY Oh, this is where my boy excels!

The Kendalls family sit at a table down stage left.

JJ SILVERS Ladies and Gentlemen back to the floor. Take your places please for the Open Latin Final!

MUSIC: SAMBA (TEQUILA) To a distinctly 80's take on "Tequila", the stage explodes into the dazzling spectacle of a dance festival! Ballroom costumes are shed to reveal lurid lurex and shimmering sequins as couples prance and sashay across the floor in a Samba.

Scott and Liz and Wayne and Vanessa are among the competing couples. Shirley, Les and the other Kendall's studio members cheer them on.

Doug films with his ancient Super 8 camera.

JJ SILVERS (CONT’D) Let's hear it for our Champions Ken Railings and Pam Short!

Tanned, fake blonde and tragically waning star Ken Railings and partner Pam Short make a big entrance and release a welter of showy but trite steps as the music kicks back in.

JJ SILVERS (CONT’D) Ken's always been a wonderful ambassador for ballroom dancing. Oh, it's an El Alamein Fountain, The judges are going to love that!

As the number builds, we see that Scott and Liz are out dancing Ken and Pam by a mile.

JJ SILVERS (CONT’D) Well, Scott and Liz are giving them a run for their money. A Rio Shuffle! Classic Fife.

SHIRLEY C'mon Scott!

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Scott and Liz dance another spectacular variation. Fran, Shirley, Les, Kylie, Luke and others cheer

excitedly.

KENDALLS C'mon number 100!

Suddenly Ken spins Pam into open position, trapping Scott and Liz and usurping the judges' focus.

KYLIE That's not fair. Ken and Pam are blocking them.

LUKE He's got them boxed in, the sweaty bastard!

LES Language.

SHIRLEY It's a bloody disgrace!

KEN Sorry mate, but we need the floor space.

PAM I've got a very wide cucaracha.

LIZ Piss off

SCOTT Don't get upset.

LIZ I want to win this!

KEN You've no chance.

SCOTT Right! Meet me on the other side.

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MUSIC CHANGES TO: ON THE EDGE

Scott dances his own steps

MUSIC: SNAPS BACK TO TEQUILA

LIZ What the hell was that?

Scott's on a roll. He leads Liz around the floor in a pretty unorthodox way. The crowd seem to like it. Ken and Pam are marginalised. The music ends and the crowd applauds wildly. Even some of the competitors acknowledge Scott’s efforts.

KYLIE/LUKE Yahoo...etc !

SHIRLEY Stop that, you two!

LES What on earth was that?

SHIRLEY Well, don't look at me.

LES Flashy, crowd-pleasing nonsense.

LIZ I've never been so humiliated.

SCOTT We were boxed in. I improvised.

LIZ I need to know what we're dancing!

SHIRLEY You can't just make it up as you go along.

SCOTT I'm sorry if I confused you Liz, but I thought they were good steps.

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LES Good steps?

SCOTT Well, they felt good. What's wrong with that?

LES Dammit Scott; there wasn't enough that was right with 'em to say what was wrong with 'em.

SHIRLEY Why Scott? Les, why? Did I do something wrong? Did I fail him as a mother?

J.J. Silvers comes to the microphone.

JJ SILVERS Ladies and Gentlemen the judges have made their deliberations, so without further ado; Federation President, Barry Fife.

BARRY (A charming smile) What a wonderful evening. As you know; the Federation salutes all levels of ability and aspiration. However on occasion we have to draw the line. So I have to announce that during the Latin open final, competitors Scott Hasting and Elizabeth Holt... were sadly disqualified.

There's a mumble of disappointment about this.

BARRY (CONT’D) Rules are rules, Ladies and gentlemen. Of course Scott; it's a free country; you can dance any steps you like, but that doesn't mean you'll win. Envelope.

SHIRLEY This is the worst day of my life.

LES How could you, Scott? How could you do that to your mother?

LIZ I'm never dancing with you again.

BARRY And so... the winners of the Waratah Inter-Regional Championship are... Ken Railings and Pam Short!!

All-conquering Ken receives the trophy. There is celebration, but it's a bit muted.

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MUSIC: WHEN YOU’RE STRICTLY BALLROOM (REPRISE)

BARRY (CONT’D) KEEP THINGS STRICTLY BALLROOM AND YOU'LL NEVER GO ASTRAY KEEP IT STRICTLY BALLROOM COME WHAT MAY! CHORUS STRICTLY STRICTLY BALLROOM THAT WILL ALWAYS BE OUR WAY STRICTLY BALLROOM WILL WIN THE DAY! KENDALL'S STUDIO

It's late afternoon and Fran, a pimple-faced, fuzzy-haired beginner is dancing with a mop. She dreamily practices a daggy version of Scott's steps in the studio mirror.

Eventually she is interrupted by Shirley.

SHIRLEY Day dreaming again, Fran?

FRAN No Mrs Hastings.

SHIRLEY Have you finished waxing this floor?

FRAN Nearly, Mrs Hastings.

SHIRLEY Then wash the coffee mugs, would you?

FRAN Right. Sorry.

SHIRLEY I'm surprised you can see through those glasses, Franny.

FRAN It's the kitchen spray; it blows back.

SHIRLEY Oh that’s what it is. You do have a bit of a disinfectant whiff about you.

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FRAN Sorry Mrs Hastings.

SHIRLEY And look at those frown lines. Have you run out of the Newtra-face Apricot Scrub. I’ll bring you some more in with your toner. It's a dollar dazzler special this week.

FRAN Thank you very much. Mrs Hastings, can I just say? I thought what Scott and Liz danced on Saturday was wonderful.

SHIRLEY Well what would you know about it, dear. You've only been dancing two years. You haven't even got a partner.

FRAN Well, I thought they should have won.

SHIRLEY Well, they didn't. I've poured my life and soul into that boy.

FRAN I know you have.

SHIRLEY But I'm not going to let that worry me Franny; I’ve got my Happy Face on today.

Enter Les with a gloomy look on his face.

SHIRLEYY (CONT’D) Well?

LES I spoke to Barry Fife.

SHIRLEY And?

LES ... He will lift the disqualification.

SHIRLEY Oh, Lessie!

LES And Kendall’s will not be banned from future competitions!

SHIRLEY Oh, thank heavens! Scott!

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LES When Les Kendall speaks; Barry Fife listens.

SHIRLEY Did you make a donation?

LES Three hundred dollars. I'm opening up.

SHIRLEY Scott!

Les opens the door and dancers file in. Wayne is second through the door. They get changed ready for class. Scott appears from another direction.

SCOTT Yes?

SHIRLEY Les has fixed it; you're going to dance in the Pan Pacifics!

FRAN Hi Scott!

SHIRLEY As soon as Liz arrives I want you to sit her down and apologise. The Pan Pacifics!

WAYNE Hey, twinkle-toes.

SCOTT Don't you start?

WAYNE No; seriously mate. That was quite a display.

SCOTT Did you like the steps?

WAYNE Well... You didn't win did you?

SCOTT But did you like it?

WAYNE Mate, doesn't matter what I like. I'm not a judge.

SCOTT So the Federation's always right?

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WAYNE Well, they get to say what's right, you dipstick.

SCOTT

I know it's wrong. I know I'm dancing it wrong. But it feels right. It feels good.

WAYNE

Mate If I were you I'd focus. I'd quit all the fancy stuff and go back to winning.

Vanessa has arrived and joins them. VANESSA

And are you going to help us with the Bogo Pogo or not? Hey hun. WAYNE

Hey, chook. And that's right; what she said. SCOTT

Of course I am. I'll have you Bogo Pogoing with the best of them. Doug puts the needle on a record and the class leaps into action. MUSIC: HAPPY FEET LES

So; let’s get started. SHIRLEY

Take that miserable look off your face. LES

And put on your happy feet! SHIRLEY

Oh lovely, Les. Quick step everyone here we go SHIRLEY (CONT’D) HAPPY FEET, I'VE GOT THOSE HAPPYFEET, GIVE ME A LOW DOWN BEAT AND THEY BEGIN DANCIN'. LES

Everybody! I GOT THOSE, TEN LITTLE TAPPIN' TOES, AND WHEN THEY HEAR A TUNE I CAN'T CONTROL MY DANCIN' HEELS TO SAVE MY SOUL.

Keep the weight up in the chest, Natalie. Strong arms, Clarrie. That's splendid. Ad lib

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I KEEP CHEERFUL WITH AN EARFUL OF MUSIC SWEET COS I'VE GOT THOSE HAP HAP HAPPY FEET

LES (To the class) And spin the girl out...!

Liz has arrived for class. Shirley has filled her in.

SHIRLEY Liz! Les has sorted everything. And Scott's VERY contrite; aren't you, Scott.

FRAN Hi Liz; I thought what you and Scott danced was wonderful.

LIZ I'm giving you one last chance, Scott Hastings.

SHIRLEY Scott would like to apologise. He will never dance his own steps again. And look; I've done some brand new costume designs for the Pan Pacific. So why don't you both trot off to the kitchen and look through them.

SCOTT Right.

LIZ I mean it.

Scott and Liz disappear to the kitchen.

ALL HAPPY FACE, SHE'S GOT HER HAPPY FACE EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST ACE AS LONG AS WE'RE DANCING. JUST KEEP SMILIN' ALL THE WHILE AND LIFE WILL BE GREAT! SHE'S GOT HER HAP- HAP-HAPPY FACE!

SHIRLEY Oh, Les; it was like a bad dream.

Suddenly Liz bursts screaming from the kitchen.

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LIZ Ahhhhgh! No!

All heads snap towards Liz. Scott follows sheepishly.

LES Oh bugger!

LIZ I am sorry, Mrs. Hastings, I've tried. God knows I've tried, but he won't even discuss the pear drop sequins. All he wants to talk about is his stupid steps. I don't think your son's even interested in winning the Pan Pacifics.

SCOTT What’s the big deal in talking about new steps?

A sharp intake of breath at this heresy.

SHIRLEY Oh, Scott. Don’t be disgusting

LIZ You've got ten minutes to get him to pull his head out of his arse.

She turns on her heel.

FRAN I thought what you and Scott danced was wonderful

LIZ And what would you know about it, Ms Frangipannidelasqueegymop?

LIZ (to Shirley) If you don't make Scott see sense the reputation of this studio is gonna go right down the dunny.

Having won a reluctant consensus, she leaves.

LES Tango please! (a harsh whisper) Doug; put the bloody record on.

Doug drops the needle.

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MUSIC: LA CUPARSITA Dramatic Argentinian strings as Shirley and Les lead the dance.

LES (CONT’D) (As they dance) Oh my God, Shirley.

SHIRLEY

Stay calm Les, stay calm. She motions Doug towards Scott.

SHIRLEY 1,2,3,4 Doug; 1,2,3,4 Doug will you talk to your son?

She motions Doug towards Scott.

DOUG Alright, Scott?

SCOTT Never better.

DOUG Do you mind if I bend your ear for a tick...?

SCOTT Not now Dad, please.

SHIRLEY Don't you speak to your father like that? He’s trying to talk to you. Talk to him Doug. Les, do something!

Les arrests Scott mid-stride and pulls him savagely into dance position. They tango.

LES Have you lost your bloody mind?

SCOTT I'm just sick of dancing somebody else's steps all the time.

LES Arms Clarry! You're getting above yourself lad. The people who passed on those steps know a lot more about dancing than you do.

SCOTT Well, the people there on Saturday night seemed to like it.

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LES (A dismissive laugh)

Ah, what do they know? Forward on the heel Fran! Sure, you can please the crowd with your flashy choreography but where was your floor-craft? Arms Clarry!

Shirley dances with Clarry

LES (CONT’D) Untidy hands and your feet all over the place. No energy directed into the floor. You could have driven a truck between your left elbow - feet Clarry! - and your right hand. You think that's going to win you the Grand Prix?

Shirley instructs the beginner Clarry.

CLARRY So are Liz and Scott breaking up Mrs. H?

SHIRLEY I'm not going to let that worry me Clarry. I've got my happy face on today. Fran; go and fetch Liz from the changing room, there's a dear.

FRAN Yes Mrs Hastings.

LES (Intense, sweating)

And you can't win without a partner. So I want you to go to that little girl, man up and beg forgiveness. A man is nothing without his partner, Scott. It takes two to tango.

FRAN Liz, are you decent? Mrs Hastings would like a w...

Liz bursts from the changing room slamming Fran against the wall. She confronts Scott.

LIZ Well, have you made up your mind?

LES You've got a light in you boy; let it shine.

To a powerful orchestral flourish, Scott snaps both arms into El Guapo position.

A lock, a whisk, Liz and Scott sweep onto the floor.

The studio breathes a sigh of relief as they dance. They applaud.

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SHIRLEY I knew you'd come to your senses.

LIZ That's better. But from now on; you behave yourself.

But that pushes Scott's button; he stops, then suddenly throws in a combination of his own steps! The studio gasps. The music crescendos and he stops in a dynamic pose.

LIZ I'm sorry Mrs Hastings. But I’m done. I don't want this!

SCOTT Then what do you want, Liz?

LIZ I'll tell you what I want. I want Ken Railings to walk in here right now and say "Pam Short's broken both her legs and I wanna dance with you."

Ken Railings comes in.

KEN Pam Short's broken both her legs and I want to dance with you.

KYLIE Well, that was unexpected!

LIZ Do you mean it, Ken?

KEN Yes I do, Liz.

SHIRLEY I wasn't aware you two were acquainted.

LIZ Well not on the floor, no. But I visited the showroom.

KEN Best hot tubs for fifty miles. Spa-o-rama.

LIZ He's got two back at his place.

KEN I could do you all a very good deal. Or you could just come over and use mine.

CLARRY Thank you Mr Railings.

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LIZ (A smile and a warning) Ken.

KEN You and I Liz; we're going to burn up the championship.

LES Alright people; I think class is over for the evening.

KEN Why don't we all go and celebrate. I'll open up the showroom.

This is greeted with enthusiasm by the studio.

LIZ Oh; you terrible man!

To the strains of STRICTLY BALLROOM the entire cast pick up their things and depart in a celebratory mood.

SHIRLEY Liz; you can't just walk out on us. Liz! We're family. Look; one big happy... Where are you going? Wayne?

WAYNE Hot tub!

More cheers and they've gone.

LES There, there, now. Where's that happy face? See what you've done? You've broken your poor mother’s heart.

SCOTT I'm sorry.

LES Don't worry, Shirl; we've got three weeks to the competition - we'll find Scott a new partner.

SCOTT What?

LES We'll start tryouts tomorrow.

SCOTT No; but, Les...

LES No buts. You're going to win this thing if it kills us. Doug; drive her home will you.

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DOUG I would Les, but the car's crook.

LES Tyre still flat?

SHIRLEY Oh, he's useless.

LES Come on then; I'll drop you all home. Lock up when you leave, Scott. Happy face, Shirley; happy face!

For a moment, a determined smile breaks through Shirley's tears, and then she is gone. Doug is last out.

DOUG Listen, son...

SHIRLEY (Off) Doug!

DOUG I want you to know, Scott...

SHIRLEY (Off) Douglas!

DOUG We'll talk soon.

SCOTT Thanks, Dad.

Scott is left alone. We hear the voices that are in Scott's head:

SHIRLEY What the hell was that, Scott? There's no excuse for that!

LES Flashy crowd-pleasing nonsense.

SHIRLEY It just won't do, Scott. Where's your discipline?

LIZ

I've never been so humiliated.

LES Where was your floor-craft? Untidy hands and your feet all over the place. You think that's going to win you the Grand Prix?

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…and a soundscape of reverberating shoes...

MUSIC: ON THE EDGE

Scott experiments with steps.

SCOTT THERE’S SO MUCH I NEED TO THINK ABOUT I’M FEELING SO LOST WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO EVERYONE? THEY JUST NEED TO STOP NOW I’M STANDING IN ONE PLACE I’M FADING AWAY GOTTA FIGHT UNTIL I BREAK THESE CHAINS

Scott's dance explodes into a dance solo of mind-blowing intensity. Multiple images of him are reflected in the studio mirrors.

He finishes with a great flourish and comes face to face with FRAN

FRAN That's looking good.

Scott stops, embarrassed.

SCOTT How long have you been here?

FRAN Two years……I mean I’m just looking for someone.

SCOTT Everyone's gone home.

FRAN Yeah I know. It's just that... well, I've got this idea. I mean it's, well it's... um... I want to dance with you. I want to dance with you; your way.

SCOTT Well you can't dance my way; you won't win.

FRAN But, that's only because you've been overdoing it. But if you kept it simple, if you danced from the heart.

SCOTT What?

FRAN And if you had the right partner.