Stories and Wisdom

STORIES AND WISDOM E L D E R S I N C O M M U N I T Y A N D T H E I M P O R T A N C E O F M E N T O R S H I P

C O M P I L E D A N D E D I T E D B Y H E A T H E R B E T H H A L L

As people age there is often a stripping away of the facades we develop through a lifetime, leaving an honesty and wisdom that I have come to believe is profoundly important and worthy of recording and passing on.

I feel a calling to put myself out into the larger world and continue to increase my positive impact on others and, as a result, become more aware of who I am and what my higher purpose is. I have always been intrigued by the aging process and how one works with it mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Are there formulas or lifestyle choices that bring more fulfillment, joy and contentment in the older years?

Aging can often be portrayed and perceived as a negative experience and something to avoid at all costs. I want to bring a positive perspective to aging by asking people about what keeps them moving forward and thrilled to be alive. What is fulfilling and beautiful about growing older? How have they sustained health, happiness and satisfaction into the later stages of life?

Elders in our society are typically silenced and pushed to the margins of our community in retirement and assisted living homes. The purpose of this booklet is to celebrate the richness and possibility of bringing our elders, our mentors, to the forefront of our communities to honor, respect, listen, learn and connect with the wisdom that comes only from long life experience.

My deepest hope is that this book conveys the true spirit of each person and that my three-fold purpose is actualized. First, it is my hope that they feel heard, witnessed and valued. Second, I hope to be personally impacted, changed, and opened in wonderful new ways. My third intended purpose is that you, the reader, will be interested, moved, and inspired by these generous offerings. Perhaps you will even learn something new. Or maybe you will resonate with someone’s story, causing a subtle shift inside of you that changes your life in a positive way. It certainly has, and will continue to, change my life in countless positive ways.

z Defining Mentorship z A person or group of people who play a multifaceted role in another, typically younger, person’s life usually involving the sharing of wisdom, trust, communication, instruction, personal experience, counseling and guidance to help nurture and facilitate further development, ideally over a significant period of time. An influential senior, sponsor, teacher, coach, supporter, community member, extended family member or friend can play this role.

STORIES AND WISDOM E L D E R S I N C O M M U N I T Y A N D T H E

I M P O R T A N C E O F M E N T O R S H I P

S U M M E R 2 0 0 9

Statement of Purpose

ConnieNeil in his garden

Barbara and Gene

Marnie and Me

Karen, Marnie & Neil - Monotype print-making

Me and Christa

Christa out in the community

Young Pilot, Richard Hall

Marnie andHer sonHenry

Jean Hall

Marnie and Karen

Neil and HeatherYoung Dick HallThe Pilot Young Jean Hall

Christa BrandenburgBorn on January 16, 1956 on a military base outside of Columbus, Georgia at Fort Benning. Christa has been a dear friend of my mother’s for over 20 years, and is now a dear friend of mine.

Poet, painter, mother, sister, counselor, student, gardener, organizer, friend and mentor extraordinaire.

Christa currently resides in McMinnville, Oregon where she loves being in her garden, painting and writing a poem every morning.

Neil Liske

Born October 13, 1936 in Goodfare, Alberta - peace river country near Grande Prairie, Canada. Neil has been a father figure and good friend of mine for 20 years.

Ceramic artist, downhill and backcountry skier, windsurfer, father, community mentor, bikram-yoga-goer and meditator, gardener, friend and mentor extraordinaire.

Neil lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, where he plays with clay and when it snows or blows he’s out skiing or windsurfing.

Introducing Our Elders

Connie Cree BentonBorn April 16, 1943 in Fresno, California. Connie has been a mother figure and friend to my partner Dave for nearly 20 years, and is now a dear friend of mine as well.

Teacher, principal, mother, world-traveler, historian, photographer, creative artist, hostess, friend and mentor extraordinaire.

Connie lives in Santa Cruz, California, but you can more often find her in Turkey, China, Bora Bora, Mexico, Fiji or other exotic and interesting locations.

Jean Marie HallBorn January 8, 1926, inLaurel, Oregon. Jean is my father’smotherandmylovinggrandmother.

Missionary, world‐traveler, mother, grandmother, seamstress,book‐reader, innovative cook, storyteller, wife, swimmer,Christian, gardener, spicy‐food lover, friend and mentorextraordinaire.

Jean lives with Dick in Oregon and she both eagerly andfaithfully joins together with him on all of their adventureslivingabroadandtheybothspeakThai!

Richard Clair HallBorn October 30, 1925 in Pine Creek, Washington. Richard is my father’s father and my loving grandfather.

Missionary, world traveler, storyteller, father, grandfather, husband, Christian, pastor, logger, mechanic, fisherman, gold miner, pilot, friend and mentor extraordinaire.

Richard, a.k.a. Dick, lives in Lebanon, Oregon, though he has probably spent more time living or traveling overseas helping others than in his own home.

Marnie Schaetti Born May 14, 1956, in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Marnie has been a dear friend of my mother’s for over 15 years, and has been a long-time close friend of mine as well.

Mother, partner, community connector, editor, nature-goer, recent master’s degree graduate, friend and mentor extraordinaire.

Marnie lives in Calgary, Alberta, Canada and you can often find her at the farmer’s market, walking by the river nearby or sharing her time with close friends.

other everywhere they go and in everything they do.

Karen Joy GimbelBorn in Loma Linda, California on May 13, 1958. Karen is my beloved mother and close friend.

Mother, artist, family business executive, traveler-vagabond, spiritual seeker, music lover, nature-goer, family organizer, guide, counselor, friend and mentor extraordinaire.

Karen currently resides in Calgary, Alberta, Canada with her sweetheart and husband Chris Weingarth. They have traveled together through a variety of terrains, both inner and outer, with love, commitment and profound depth.

Barbara Bullock-WilsonBorn in Santa Maria, California on April 13, 1945. Barbara is becoming a precious friend and mentor and we are looking forward to a thriving friendship.

Mother, hostess and cook, wife, grandmother, photography estate manager and promoter, spiritual seeker, loving daughter, community connector, informal counselor, friend and mentor extraordinaire.

Barbara lives with her beloved husband and partner Gene in Carmel Valley, California and you can find them spending their lives together with intention, deep love and admiration for each

Gene Bullock-WilsonBorn in Kalaw, Burma on October 25, 1928. Gene is becoming a cherished friend and mentor and anticipate a growing friendship.

Educator, husband and loving partner, father, grandfather, informal counselor, teacher, photography promoter, spiritual seeker, friend and mentor extraordinaire.

Gene lives with his beloved wife Barbara in Carmel Valley, California and you have never met such an affectionate, open and deeply in love couple!

Love and Relationship

I inquired about people’s ideas regarding love and relationships by requesting to hear what the sustaining elements of their relationship have been, as well as how they’ve worked with challenges. If the person is not currently in a relationship, I asked about what they have learned through being in relationship, how it shaped them and perhaps what they might seek in a partner. Here are their responses, in their own words.

NEIL LISKE I think one of the biggest challenges thatanybodyfaces,andforsomepeopleit’salotmorechallenging than for others, is recognizing theimpact of the environment that they grew up inandtheinNluencesofthepeoplearoundthem,andhow this sets the stage for their ownemotionalsubconscious. Because it’s a long process,especially if there’s been any measure ofdysfunctioninthatwholeprocessof growingupandestablishingyourownplaceintheworld.

The biggest process is establishing a SECUREplace in theworld,because so manypeople ifthey haven’t established a secure place in theworld, they’re usually devising methods tosurvive because of insecurities or some otherreasons, which masks who they are. And ifthey’re coming from these different places,

insecuritiesorfearorwhatever, whathappensistheybecomedefensemechanisms,whichdistancepeoplefromeachotherorpartnersanditcutsoffcommunication.

I’ve said this over and over, I said it to myfriend when he was here, “GO LOOK IN THEMIRROR – that’s the guy you gotta dealwith,look after him, make sure he’s OK, and whenhe’sOKthenyoucanprobablybeOKout intheworld”.

So that, in a nutshell, I think is the greatestchal lenge in creat ing an open, loving ,communicating, accepting relationship: isunderstandingone’s selfanddevelopingasecureplaceintheworld.Thatiswhatyouhavetooffer,not a dysfunctional, self‐conscious, fearfulindividual who’s usually presenting all differentkinds of masks to cover all this up. The masksaren’t real, and they usually don’t survive verylong.

Ceramic Art by Neil Liske


MARNIE SCHAETTI

[Myhusband]Mickoncesaidtome,Ihadsaidsomething like “What do you think about thisrelationship?”, and he said, “It is a sign of myhealthy self esteem.” Because it’s so good forhim. Andso apartofLindingthisrelationshipwas that I was ready to be in a healthyrelationship. Oneof thethings thatsustains it Ithink is that, although sometimes it takes usquite a lot of discussion to get there andintrospectionandarguing,webothultimatelyareprepared to, andultimately, onceweseehow itapplies, are able to take responsibility for ourownshit.

So I think in any relationship,whether it’swith the grocery store clerk or your mostintimate relationships, the other is a mirror,and you see in the other what you see inyourself. So one of the important componentsthatMick and I offereachother is a fairly clearmirror. SoMick, forexample,andIusehimforamirror to seemyself, he’sprettywellableto say“Youknow,you’retalkingaboutyou,notme,”andviceversa.Andthat’sreallyquitehelpful.

And I think the other thing that hassustained us is that we’ve been seeing acounselor for many years together, and therearetimeswhenwe seehim everyweek for twomonths,andthenwemightseehimanothertimethat year, but we’ve developed a long‐termrelationship withhim. So that has been reallyhelpful, he’s very good and he has helped usbuild tools to recognize and become moreconscious of the relationship and our ownresponses to it. So that’s one thingthat I thinkhas beneNitedus.Andwhat thatmeans, theback

storyofthat,isthatwearebothwillingtogoandlearn and change. And it’s very often in ourculturethat thewomenare and themenaren’t.So in this relationship we both are, we bothrealizewehaveroom to grow. So wearenotthesamepeoplewewerewhenwegotmarried,which was only three years ago, never mindwhenwemet. Wekeepmoving. Soweuseourmarriage,eventhoughwehaven’t talkedaboutitthis way, we use our relationship as aconsciousness‐buildingtool.

And thenwe’re patient and we enjoy timetogether, you know time together is nice. Andyou know at Nirst there was a LOT of sexualpassion and tension and that dissipates withtime, it just does, like it becomesmellower andricher in many ways. And that’s why it’simportant tohavethingsin commonthatwillsustainyouover timeandsowekeepbuildingthosetoo.


I think it’s also about how we both livesuccessfullyalone. Sohedidn’tNEEDmeto lookafterhisshirtsandIdidn’tNEEDhimtolook...wehave BOTH donethat ourselves. Sowe a longtimeagorecognizedthatwearetogethernotbecauseweneedtobe,butbecausewewanttobe.AndIthinkthat’squitepowerful.

I just thinkwe are very patient with eachotherandwithourselves,andasMickhassaid,webothknowwhatit’sliketohavearelationshipgobad, andsoweareunwillingtotakethestepsthat go there, suchas sayingeverythingwefeelwhenwe are angry. Because that can be reallyharmful.WhenI’mpissedoff, Icouldsay,IknowMick really well, I could say things that wouldREALLYhurthim. Heknowsme reallywell, andhecouldsaythingsthatwouldreallyhurtme.Butthat’s not what will bring the relationshiptogether. So we try to engage, as ourtherapistPeterChokeputsit,wetrytoengagemoreinpullbehavior rather than push behavior. And somedays we’re goodat it, andsome dayswe’renotgoodatit,butitisourgoal.Ithinktheadvantageof seeing him together as we deal with ourindividual issuesandourcommunal andcouple

issues, is that we build a language fordiscussing the relationship that we hold incommon. Ithinkwearebothindividualsandwetry not to change each other, but often havechanged ourselves for the other a little. Sothere’sthepoint of compromise. I usedto thinkthatcompromisewasallwrong,butI’mnotsureIagree with that anymore. I think giving up mydeepestselfisprobablynotagoodidea,butthehabits I have that are not helpful to therelationship,Idon’tneedtohave. IamSOgratefulforthisrelationship,anditissocentraltomyhealthandwellbeingandIamso…youknow,whenILirstsaidIwasinlovewithhim,therewasawholedifferentfeelingthannowwhenIsayIaminlovewithhim.It’sawholenewplace;Ijust,Ijust,it’sjustI’mabsolutelyblessedbythis.


Connie BentonI had Shannon when I was 25. My mother had me when she was 25, my mother’s mother had her when she was 25. I realized then that I couldn’t do everything perfectly, for instance, I decided that cleaning would not be my top priority, and this was my first husband Dennis’ biggest complaint. It was the first time I realized I couldn’t do everything 100 percent. I wanted to be touched, spoken to and valued. Dennis and I had dated for three years and had been married three years when I was 25. I was with Dennis for 12 years and Mike for 21 years. I’ve been on my own now for 14 years, and life is better than being with either one of them.

After World War II, there was the 1950s ideology and myth that if a wife gives and gives and gives, she will bask in the glowing reflection of their happiness, and therefore you will be happy too. This was so not true, it is actually a stifling of self. So I’ve given up on that, and there is an extraordinary amount of freedom in that.

I read recently about the five love languages: physical touch, quality time, gift giving, words of affirmation, and acts of service…I don’t think I had any of these! Neither one of my husbands ever, not even once, said I love you. Neither of them valued me.

Now my friend Brooke, he’s odd but brilliant and he has the capacity to hold hands, give gifts, say he loves me, helps me grow, spend quality time together, he does things for me…so he actually fulfills me on all of those levels.

I am glad that Brooke believes that life can be better, I had no respect for his drinking, as it was hard watching someone killing themselves, but he’s been sober now eight weeks.

But marriage? Oh no, not yet, and maybe not ever. He lives up in Oregon and I love my work and am not willing to give it up yet.

Beaded antler art By Connie


RICHARD AND JEAN

HALL

Heather: how did you meet and fall in love with your wife? Tell me that story.

Richard I came home [from servingoverseas]andgotintocollegeandthenImetJean,andthat’squiteastory. Ihadtohavesomedentalworkdone,andIwenttohaveatoothNixed,andshewasworkingforthisdentist,andtheyweretalkingaboutNlying,andIhadmylittleairplaneandhadlearnedtoNlyalready,andshewasgoingtogoforaridewithhimsometime,andJUSTasIwasleaving,JUSTas Iwasleaving, I hadmy hand on the doorknob, and I looked down toherand I said,“WhenyougoingtogoAlyingwithme?”Andshesaid,“Whenyougoing toaskme?” Isaid,“Howabouttomorrow?”“Well,no,Ican’tgotomorrow,butIcangothedayafter.”SoourNirstdatewasaNlight,shecouldn’tgotomorrow,becauseshehadadatewithsomebodyelse. Andsothen,shewanted to go out andtakepictures Nlying aroundover her folks’farm,whichwasn’t too farawaythereintheLaurelarea,andasshewastakingpictures, INlewherdownalittlelowersoshecouldgetsomegoodpicturesofthehouse,andNirstthingsheknewwewerebumpingalongandIwaslandinginaNieldrightbesidethehouse.Andthatshookuptheneighborhood,butwehadourNirstvisitthere. Anditwasduringcamp‐meeting time, soIstartedtakingher to camp‐meeting,butshewasaCatholicatthattime,soshehadtogotoconfession,she’dgotoaProtestantmeetingandthen shehadto go to confession. So I’d see her atmeetings, and she started taking Biblestudies, andthenafterthenextyearofschoolwegotmarriedandhavebeenLlyinghigheversince.

Heather: What do you appreciate about being in relationship with your husband?

JeanWell,IthinkthatheletsmedowhatIwanttodo;hedoesn’t liketogo tothepool,butheletsmego;hedoesn’tliketoshop,butheletsmego.Anditworkstheotherwaytoo:Idon’tliketodomechanical work, but I let him do it.Maybe I forcehim to, but Iguessnot, hecould take itsomewheretogetitNixed,buthedoesithimself. SoIdon’tknow, Istillenjoycooking, Istillenjoycollectingrecipesandtryingoutnewrecipes.

Whenthekidswerelittle,Iwasso tiredIdidn’tfeel likeIwasagoodwife,becauseIwasjusttootired,wantedtojustgotobedandsleep.Withthekidsgrownandgone,it’smorerelaxing,andwecanhavemore time foreachother. He likes to drive, andI like to sitalongwithhimwhile hedrives. Idon’t like to drive; I’mstill gladhe likes to drive. Andthecompanionship. Anddoingthingstogether. AndlikeIsaid, Iliketogoshoppingandhedoesn’t, sowecandothingsseparatetoo,andweappreciateeachotherthatway.Idon’tknowwhatelse,justit’smorecomfortable.

My Great Grandma Watkin’s Tomato

Bisque “This is one I learned from my mother, and she always remarked, be sure that the tomato mixture and the milk mixture are the same temperature so that it won't curdle. She said some people put soda in it so it won't curdle, but that destroys the vitamins. Wise woman.” ~ Jean Hall

1 jar of home canned tomatoes4 Tablespoons butter1 large onion, chopped4 Tablespoons flour2 teaspoons salt1/4 teaspoon pepper2 cups milk.

Pour tomatoes into medium sized saucepan, break up in large pieces with spoon, heat slowly over low heat. While tomatoes heat, melt butter in a large saucepan, add onion, cook about 5 minutes, or until tender and golden.

Remove from heat, blend in flour, salt and pepper. Slowly stir in milk, and cook over low heat, stirring

constantly until sauce thickens and boils. About one minute. Stir heated tomatoes slowly into sauce. Cook over low heat about 3 minutes to blend flavors.

Two Family Recipes from My Grandma Jean

Rhubarb Crisp1 egg (can substitute 1 small package strawberry Jello)3/4 cup sugar (less if using Jello)2 Tablespoons flour3 cups3 cups chopped rhubarb

4 Tablespoons butter or margarine1/3 cup brown sugar1 cup flour.

Beat egg, stir in sugar, 2 tablespoons flour and add rhubarb. Mix well. Spoon mixture into a 8 inch square baking dish.

Combine butter, brown sugar and 1 cup flour with pastry blender or fork. Sprinkle crumbly mixture over rhubarb. Bake at F 350 for 40 minutes or until rhubarb is tender and topping is browned a bit.

~ This is a favorite recipe from Richard Hall's mother - my great grandma Hall.


GENE & BARBARA BULLOCK-WILSON

Heather: What are some of the challenges that have strengthened or shaped your relationship? How have you worked with them?

Gene ‐ I think our challenges weremore stylistic thananything else.WhenweNirstmet andanissuecameup, Barbarawantedto resolveithead on immediately. And I didn’t want to do that. I was prettyincapableofdoingthatatthatpointinmylife. BecauseIhadgrownupinafamilywhererealissuesjustprobablynevergotdealtwith.Sowe’velivedwiththatforalmost40yearsnow,andIthinkwe’vebothchanged,andI thinkwe’remore similarnow thanwecertainlywere, andtherearetimeswhenIkindofpushher todealwiththingsnowratherthanwaiting. And I think she’s becomemore patient ofmymore naturalinclination towant time to sort thingsoutmyselfbeforeI get into thethickofitwithher.

Barbara–Yeah,oftenyou’retheonethatwillinitiate“let’s talkaboutthisnow”‐asnowI’velearnedandammuchmorecomfortablewaitingand livingwith ambiguity…hated ambiguity. AndGene, that was hismiddlename…youknowhehadagreattoleranceforthat,andIwanteditresolvedNOW. Youknow,Ihavelivedinessentiallyoneplacemostofmylife, andGenehadlivedallovertheworldandwasusedto change,andnow, I ammuchmoretolerantof“OhOK,wewant topackupandmovesomewhere…OK.”

Genehad just this unshakable and I think intuitive, deep‐down beliefthat our relationship is more important than any

problem that could come to it. And so we just never questioned that we were going tosomehow Nind away to work it out. Oneof the things, as wedeveloped thatwayof beingwitheachother,waswewouldtry to comeupwithasolutionthatfelt goodtobothofus. But there aresometimeswhen that’s notpossible. Andat thatpoint, whatwedidwas, andwe bothagreed to this:wewoulddetermineforwhomitwasthemostimportant. Youknowanygivenissue…andifitwas[moreimportanttooneperson], thenthat solutionwasfor thatperson. Andatthe sametime,wewouldn’tkeepscore. Andso therewasno “youhadit last time,now it’smyturn.”Thatwouldn’twork, andwenever tried to make that work. It has been ENORMOUSLY useful and helpful to have that kind ofagreement forus. Whenthings aren’t just clear,we’regoing the samepath, butwhenwe eachhaveneedsthatmaybeinconNlictandwecan’t Nindajointdecisionthatwe’rebothreallycomfortablewith,well then–who’simpactedthemost…forwhomis thisreally themoreimportantissueorneed? Andit’sworkedreallywellforus.

A shell for Gene, a shell for Barbara and

a shell for USGene’s sweet equation for successful relationship: one plus one equals three.

They celebrate each other as individuals, but just as important is the the concept of

‘USness’ which is essential in their relationship.

Love and RelationshipGene and Barbara Bullock-Wilson

GENE - We’ve noticedthat, from time to timewith couples that we’veknown…they’re havingtrouble and we feel likethere is no “USness” tothem…youknow they aretwo separate individualswho seem to be trying toget their needs met. Butthere’s no concept of USinvolved. So it’s beenimportanttous.

BARBARA –andthatwasthere,again,fromtheverybeginning.

HEATHER‐ How did you come to that awareness?

GENE – Well, the USness just happened, whenwemet,ithappened.IttookseveralyearsbeforeIeverformulatedtheoneplusoneequalsthree…buttheactualityoftheUSnesswasthere. Anditfeels magical and wonderful and you don’t…youknowit’snotsomethingthat’sguaranteed.Noteveryonecanexperiencethat,wejusthavefelteternallygratefuleversinceithappened.

HEATHER ‐ What are some of the sustaining elements of your relationship?

BARBARA - One of the thoughts that I had, interms of what sustains us, when you Lindsomeonethathelps yoube yourbest self,thatcalls forthin youthebest ofwho youareandcan be...that to me is themost sustaining,thestrongest thing.AndABSOLUTELY Gene is theperson for me, who does that. I feel themostcomplete, themost potent, the strongest best

self and the mostempoweredtobecomewho I ‘inly’ am…withGene.

GENE ‐ DITTO ‐ itworksbothways!

BARBARA – That’sano ther th ing…wehaven’tusedoneofourf a v o r i t e w o r d syet…‘MUTUALITY’. Wereally have found ineach other…mutuality.It’s a Nlow, back andforth, in and out, up

anddownandallaround.There’snohierarchyatall. And there’s “complimentarity”. Even onMother’s Day, I’ll give Gene a card, and onFather’s Day, he’ll give me a card. There’s arecognition that we’re both masculine andfeminine,we’reboth…

GENE & BARBARA–childandparent…

GENE ‐ yes, Barbara has been a greaternurturing inLluence in my life than anyoneelse, includingmyparents,no question aboutthat. I’ve hada lot longer experiencewithherthanIhadwiththem.

BARBARA‐ that’s true…[laughter]…this hasnothingtodowithwhatGenesaid…buttheotherday, Gene lookedatme, andhesaid “Youknow,you are the oldest person I’ve ever sleptwith!”[wealllaughHEARTILY]…andit’scertainlytrue for me, you know, in relation to him…andthat’s another thing…we LAUGH and we PLAYtogether. Imeanwearesilly,silly,silly…we[canbe]kidstogether.


Christa Brandenburg HEATHER: What have you learned from being in relationships?

CHRISTA - OK. What I’ve learned, I’m coming from gratitude today thanks to Mary Oliver’s poem that I just got reconnected with. You know that one where the deer in the woods, anyway, she says “you come on over, talk about it any time, my house is at the corner, it’s the one named Gratitude.” That helped me get back on the gratitude track.

So...GRATITUDEforwhatIhavelearnedinrelationships.Ihavelearnedabout lost parts of myself in relationship,most recentlyabout playandjoy and freedom. It’sbeenawhile. It’s beenfouryearssinceI’vebeenwithanyone…that’salongtime…butthelessonskeep coming in frommy last relationship about joy and about not

looking to anotherhumanbeing formybalance. But looking toall otherpeopleinmy life. Butlearning,learning–webringeachothergiftsandthegiftsfrommy lastrelationshipwereTOTALfreedom.Experiencingtotalfreedomandbeingcherishedanddelightedin,anddelightingIN,andjustsavoringthedeliciousnessofeverything. Beingingratitudeeverysecondandreallyhavingallkinds ofoldstuff comeupto biteand challengeswithcommunication, andlike I said, Ihaven’tbeenwithanyoneinfouryearssoit’snotlikethatwasasustained,ongoinggift. Butthegiftshavebeen…Iwriteapoemeveryday,andthat’spartofmypracticetoo,andthismorningwasadialoguepoem,too,betweenmymindandmyself. Andinthatpoem,I’mtalkingtomymindandsaying“OKmind,we’regoingtodothisdealdifferently,”andthemindgoes“Hahahahaha,youthinkyoucancontrolme?”andthenitracesofflikeashot,right? Andthat’soneofthethingsthatImean,myrelationshipwithmyownmindcanbealovingrelationship. AndI think the difLiculties that Irun into inrelationshipwithothers,andthejoys,arethatIam inmyownrelationshiptomyself. Inrelationshiptomyselfphysicallyandspirituallyandallofthat…butkindofanewoneformerecently,reallylookingatmyrelationshiptomymind. SoIguesswhatI’mtryingtosay,Heather,isthatIcontinueofcourseinallmycurrentrelationshipstohaveopportunitiesforspiritualgrowthandtolearnhowtoaccesspartsofmyselfthatmaybegot lost…myjoy,myplayfulness, becauseI’moneofthose super‐responsiblekindofgals–that’s,youknow,apersonaloneforme.

So yes, my relationship to myself and to others, I have learned in my most intimaterelationships to be kind and compassionate and playful. And that’s a lesson, a gift that Iwouldn’thaveavoided,ImeanIwouldn’tturnaway,eventhoughIthoughtIwoulddiewhenthatrelationshipendedbecauseitwassopainful.Yeah.Sohow’sthatforamushykindofanswer?

Love and RelationshipChrista Brandenburg

HEATHER - What do you seek in a loving partner?

CHRISTA - Well, I’m looking to appreciateandlovethepeoplewho are inmylife, reallywithout imposing any ideas about what it issupposedtobeorwhatitisnotsupposedtobe.Ithinkthat’sarealstage‐of‐lifethingthatI’minwhich is discarding, ata verydeeplevel, all ofthat ‘what‐it’s‐supposed‐to‐be business’. I’mlooking to be grateful and appreciative anddelighted and totally present in myrelationshipwithmy son,withmydaughter,with my friends, with themany groups thatI’minvolvedwith. I have a great richness of friends. Thecohortthat I’minis16people, andIreally amdeveloping some beautiful relationships withsomeofmypeersthere. So I’maverywealthy,wealthypersonintermsofclosefriends,distantfriends, life‐long friends, my two sisters and Iarevery, very close. Youknow, depending onwhere Igo to domyinternship, I’vegotfriendsand family Nighting over who gets to have melivewiththem. Imeanreallytheyaredoinglike“Hey,butI’llgive you organic vegetables,” or “Oh, but I’llbringyoucoffee inbed”. OKIlovebeinglovedlikethis.SomylifeisrichinLove. However,Idon’thaveanybodytolaydownwithatnightand I don’t like that, at ALL. I just don’t likethat.

So what am I looking for? I’m looking forsomeone who is not afraid to not have aguidebook, and someone who doesn’t expectthat it has to beacertainway, onewayor theother,youknow,beingtogetherallthetime, livehappilyeverafter? Idon’tthinkthatisreallyin

the cards forme. It hasn’t been so far. I’m notsureIwouldevenwantthat. But I know thatwhat I DOwant is what Iexperienced with my friend John in the lastrelationship that I was in. But what Iexperiencedthere, andwhatIwouldlovetore‐experiencewithsomeonewhowantstodothat,too,ismutualrespect,delight,hands‐off. Justanallythatletstheotherbeandhasno interestatall in changing or conNining or doing anythingother than sharing this delight for each otherandliving in themoment,whatever thatmightbe, and however that might be. I don’t know,maybe I’d like to have somebody there all thetime; at thispoint, Idon’t thinkso. I’d like tohave a really powerful alliance with a loverand a friend and fellow traveler that wasmutually comforting and energizing andsupportive.Right‐soyouknowanyone?

Watercolor painting by Christa Brandenburg, 1989

If Your Child~BY CHRISTA BRANDENBURG

If your child goes North, becomes whole with the seafor the love of life pulled gleaming, in the wildernessof hands working, in the rhythm of tides rocking, in long light that does not sleep; if she is the drum beatingtelling what the hold can carry, then let go and let her be

If your baby digs spruce root, weaves Eyak basketkills and cleans what sustains her, gathers berries in the fallif she scavenges like Crow, sleeps like Dog ‘til jolt awakensdressed and ready at the call, if she’s lost and she is found,out of reach where the waterslong before books held writing, even now are glacier blue

Well, then you have carried a beginning to a life still shiningsea to spent spawn, over and againshe is like some heirloom seed truly human way up thereas the other sons and daughters, in the cities callingcalling, walk past broken carts andcandy wrappers in the bark dust, still as fallen buffalo

If your daughter’s strength holds, if the Salmon Nation is not lostand your hands keep a rhythm in the work they’re called to dothen her youth and her beauty are like starlight,steady as endurance,a song of remembrance in the black of night

We are awake and we are watching, seeing waters rising,so keep on in the roiling, stories hold our meaningraise the cup and the anchor, voice and spiritripple on the surface, our children’s power is a beacon,give your very life now, become whole in this sea.

Mountain above LakeAlaska, 2008Taken by Heather Hall

Go ForthBy Christa Brandenburg

Go forth now your name has been spokenthe circles widenare caught up by geese northingare now carried by the salmon on to the sea

Our time has come. listen breath heartbeatearth in her skies is birthing us alive todayyour vow, oh, your holy task given in your quietthe love it is borne of carries you still

We go forth for each creature for every innocent nestled at the neck, in the tides of our mother from our tears salt sweat sweetgrass scent rising we go forth this day

Sisters, go forth like angelsattend, abide, arouseyour true name from the stone dropped in your heart humblingcircles on and in, ancestors, grandchildrenstarlight in our eyes, see earth move through usmake the world anew

Water Color PaintingBy Christa Brandenburg


Karen GimbelHEATHER: What makes your relationship work? What are the sustaining elements?

KAREN: Howdowemakeitwork? Well…alotofitisthatwe’vebuiltalifetogetherbynow,youknow,itwasdifferentinthebeginningthanit is now. But I think that themain elementsthat I know work in relationship with Chris[myhusband],whicharedifferentthanifIwastalkingaboutanyotherrelationship, is thatwehavePLENTYofwhat I wouldcalled sharedinterests. Soweenjoyhavingconversationsabout a whole wide range of topics, and Ithinkwebothenjoythedifferentexperiencethatwebringtothedifferenttopicsandthatwe have such a different range of lifeexperience that we then see the worldthrough.Andwhenwemeetandwetalk,welearn and grow by hearing each other’sexperience and that’s, I mean that’s very,very,VERYrich.

Irealize thatwhen Iworry aboutbeingonmyownagain, ever, whichatthispointwouldprobably mean that Chris had died, what Iworry the most is when...like right now, wehaven’t talked in more than two weeks andthere is like this aching LONGING to just seewhat’s going on for him and to share what’sgoing on for me, and that’s a very differentthing thanpining away for a lover ormissingsex.

AndIcouldLIVEalongtimewithoutsex,Ican pleasuremyselfplentywellenough,butto not have conversation with Chris isREALLYhard,becauseI learnaboutmyself,I

learnabouttheworld,andIlearnabouthiminour conversations. Andwhathereads, youknow, his stack of reading, and my stack ofreadingandhowwesharebackandforthwhatwe’re thinking about and what wereexperiencing. Ithinkit is essentialthat,forChrisandI,thereis asharedpassion for understandingtherealmsoftheunseen.Anddeepeningourcapacity for…I guess it would be deepeningour capacity for love,which IS, in essence,apractice. Andthat’swhatIthinkwehaveasasharedinterest.Andthatisthemostimportantone that we share. And we have enoughdifferencestoo.

Monotype PrintsBy Karen Gimbel


HEATHER: What are some of the challenges you have faced together? How has that strengthened your relationship?

KAREN: The challenges that we have in thearea of sexual intimacy, I think,would qualifyas the biggest. But what we’re actuallydiscovering through working with our sextherapist,itthatit’s notaboutsex,because it’snotaboutthemechanicsofit,andit’snotevenabout attraction or nonattraction, it’s aboutSo many other things, like how weapproachintimacy,orhowwehavespentour liveseithermoving toward,or away from, using physicalintimacyasatoolforintimacy.

So at the same time that I think it is ourgreatest challenge, I think it is our greatestopportunity.Because...wecould see thatwehadthepotentialtoworkthroughsomeissuesthatupuntil wemet, hadarisen as blocks for whateverreasons and in lots of different ways in otherrelationships...And here it is almost seven yearsthatwe’vebeentogether,andithastakenusthatlong to get to the place where we actually areprobably just starting to look at what issuesunderlythemoreapparentsexualintimacyissues.

It’s not just patience, it’s perseveranceandit’s courage and it’s willingness to keep thefaiththat thereis somegoodworkbeingdone.It’snotonlyfaith,it’sbearingwitnesstoallthegood work that has been done up until thispoint aswell. Becausewe’velearnedsomuchabout how to navigate some of these

treacherous zones where we each gettriggered. Andnot navigate aroundthem,butnavigatethroughthem,andrespecteachotherintheprocess. So it’snotareasthathavebeencordoned off, it’s more like areas that we arewellawareofandweareworkingtoclear.Andif we end up in one of them, and a few landmindsgooff...wecandealwiththedamage.

HEATHER: Any pieces of wisdom on how to be a good partner or maintain a healthy relationship?

KAREN: Iwouldsaypracticecompassion. Foryourselfandtheother. I justNinishedreadingachapter on love, by Thich Nat Han, and I reallyliked how he said in the Vietnamese Buddhisttraditiontheadviceistotreatyourspouseasanhonored guest.AndI think that there is greatwisdom in that, and I know that is how Christreatsme,andIlearnfromhim,Iwant to treathimthatwayaswell.

I think that is part of the secret of ourrelationship. Youknow, I’mnoteasy to livewith,andChrisputsupwithalotofcrapthatIcandealout,andit’snotnecessarilyloudorobnoxious,itssubtle and it’s quiet and it’s cold and it’s harsh,andit’stight,andheLOVESme.AndheshowsmecompassionwhenI’minthoseplaces.

So treating each other as honored guests.That means being interested in the other andthinking about their comfort and their needsand their longings and their heart’s desires,makingsurethatyou’reattendingtotheirwellbeing,heartandsoulandmindandbody.

This project has led me on a profound and transformational journey. I feel incredibly grateful to have had the opportunity to connect with some of my dearest friends and family members in this unique and meaningful way. I look forward to more opportunities to engage in this way with my elders and mentors in the years to come. The process has been incredibly enriching and I know that it has changed me in tangible ways and has the potential to have a positive impact on many other people. I find myself regularly reflecting on the words of their stories that I spent so much time hearing, transcribing and then editing for this compilation. I find myself quoting these people, and their wisdom, again and again to my partner Dave, to my friends and acquaintances, and to anybody who is willing to listen really!

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION I want to take a moment to reflect on all that has been shared in these pages and in the process. These nine people were incredibly generous with their time, their words and with their true spirit. I feel incredibly blessed to have them in my life and look forward to learning and sharing more from them throughout the years, as well as continuing to make new connections and learn from the many other elders and mentors in my life.

This body of work is made to be a stand-alone piece, and yet, the material I have from these nine interviews would likely fill another 50 pages, and my sincerest intention is to continue to compile the remainder of these stories and wisdom. I hold the vision that this booklet will become a much larger piece, perhaps even a published book someday! For now, it is a piece about mentorship and wisdom in the area of Love and Relationships. The other four categories I look forward to sharing with you include the rich subjects of Career & Life Path, Community Mentorship, the Aging Process, and Family Role & Parenting.

I believe that it is projects like this one that bring more joy, hope, positive change and love into the world and it is my deepest hope that you gained new insight, laughed out loud, and were touched in a meaningful way by what was shared about love and relationships by these nine people. Perhaps you will look back on your own life with these ideas in mind and see yourself in a new light. Or maybe you will even look forward to your older years, to becoming an elder or mentor, with anticipation and delight rather than resistance and trepidation.

Regardless of the impact this booklet has had on your immediate life, my wish is that it will live on in your memory and in your heart as a piece of writing and imagery that was both enjoyable and meaningful. Thank you for bearing witness alongside me.

Reflections

Documents

Stories and Wisdom