St i l l

Ben Redmond A Poetry Portfolio Spring 2014 Bennington College Reading & Writing Poetry Michael Dumanis

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CONTENTS

REVISIONS

3 | From Not Home

4 | Leaning into Nothing

6 | From a Found Postcard to a Sadboi

8 | Fearlist

9 | (more of the Deep Sea water than before)

11 | There Is No Such Thing As A Place /

Where Nothing Has Ever Happened

12 | Willow

14 | T(w)o Months, T(w)o Halves, Not (W)hole

16 | Pretending to Kil l Our Men Loaded with Baskets,

We Caused Them do it Themselves

18 | Out, a Note

20 | Here on Earth with Everybody Else

21 | Our Shadow, and the Positive Aspect of its Darkness

ORIGINALS

22 - Willow [dramatic situation], Pretending to kill our men loaded with baskets, we caused them do it themselves. [arcane source text] / 23 (more of the Deep Sea water than before) [brock-broido mimetic] / 24 leaning into Nothing [kalytiak davis mimetic] / 26 Postcard to a Sad Boy [cd wright mimetic] / 28 There is No Such Thing as a Place where Nothing has Ever Happened [amadon mimetic] / 29 Two Months, Two Halves, Not Whole [petrosino mimetic], From not Home [mccrae mimetic] / 30 Out, a note. [schomburg mimetic] / 31 Here on Earth with Everyone Else [dreamsong], Our Shadow and the Positive Aspects of its Darkness [form] // 32 // STATEMENT

` For u.

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From Not Home

enough of the infinite

loop of the way

it is to be on the way

toward better, moving fast toward

fast forward I wanted oh god

I wanted to be something

wanted on the ground and picked

up like a coin on the way to your

pockets but you have no need

for things except for water and invisible

pulls , no need at all for coins, might pick dirt

from the ridges and face-grooves of those

dead dead metal men

to start to build a garden to grow ground things

you wanted to be made up

of, I would never see you

pick up a coin, but how I wanted to be how

it is to be out of the way like the way a coin

is small, and to be out of the loop

of the way it was to be on the way out

of winter and white ice walkways home where we

spoke silently inside letters until I

or you slept while I didnt know how

what you wanted was talk and I am quiet.

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Leaning into Nothing Im sorry for watching you dance at a party with no lights on. You were a shape. A shade or two darker than the air around us, thrumming, thick. Ill give you my eyes to see, closed halfway in a grinned-out and lolling skull, so you will know how at first, you were a swaying tree or a cloud curling under itself somewhere between the tops of all our houses and the moon. In that dark you were the proof of wind. If my look sits in the pocket pit between your collarbones, heavy as something you cannot see, and when you need something to blame, lay it on the smoke my mother calls escapism, though I am never really running from. In truth, I liked to look like the tongue likes to return to a sore in the mouth. We touch the tooth that aches the most, like learning the curves of marble statuary. Later: through the clustered crowds gone outside on the lawn to look at night. Each of us spoke the middle of little things, gods of noise and worship and grass. Airplanes broke up through clouds underneath the end of air. Where stars are visibile to the onboard and awake always and forever that city neon and traffic light bleeds my favorite color into the lower sky. My favorite color is our fists in their pockets, the color of black without light, which does not exist, for little do we live in an ink painting. That night I walked into a mangy and sickening love with my teeth gnashing. Im waiting for my license to carry on. In your hands my hands and wrists were boiled vegetables, I assure you. I assure you, I went home that night and stopped on the way to consider how

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far back I could rock on my heels before the ground met me like a friend who waits outside a train station for a friend. Before sleeping as usual on my side I was on the other side of tomorrow and still instantly aware of the past four hundred cold spring seasons on this northeast hillock in the valley where the galaxys seams show. This is dust in your pocket. This is infinite shrapnel of something you carried around.

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From a Found Postcard to a Sadboi

I met you on the bus Wednesday. You boarded. Sat across the aisle not speaking but rubbing your palms into each other until the man in all denim sitting stood to leave and you took his seat beside me. And I dont think you spoke. Is it steam or smoke inside your long sighs? And when you look down and up again at me like a sculpture or stop light or knotted tree are you thinking or only looking? Are you really mad at me? I am sorry if you are and I think of you just as much as ever but you know what I told you I heard about you. Things in the house and at dinner were all O.K. the next day. He says he is Glad Walter is a gentleman Glad Walter found a good job again Nothing better than getting out to breathe all that city air in, he says. Glad Walter is getting back out there. Into things, he says. And mum is the word if he sees you, if you talk with.

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Walter I never believed it & now I am glad you told me the truth. I believe you. If you care, I would like you to write. Hoping to see you again sometime. As ever a friend. I am sorry too if I made your eyes feel bad.

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Fearlist I used to be able to list my fears: Slamming car doors outside my window in the dark. Late night what-ifs. Swarms of things that sting. Now I am afraid of an ideaof making something. I want to tell the pluviophile how I love her more than rain loves to die against rocks and dirt, zoo animals.

I love you so much that the idea of me telling you this fills my mouth with burs. Which is not a mouth, but a take- out bag, a pale yellow smile filling with wind and folding over itself. Have A Nice Day. It clings to branches without leaves. It tears when the wind pulls it away. I would believe you if you said you did not believe me. All this I read- ily hide air inside like steam lifting from the warm core of a woodchip heap. The pul- se in my ears says it never imagined starting the day or the rest of winter or a poem this way: Have A (Nice) Day.

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(more of the Deep Sea water than before) A year ago I ran one palm down and over the length of my arm. Like the world on pausestanding above dark ocean water frozen somehow solid in its churningknotty waves caught mid-twist and all the small droplets reaching against gravity in a rapid pull of Up. I above this palimpsestic mass, nameless and cold like a face of brackish diorite, reached down a warm and open palm to place upon the surface, somewhere between caress and cosset and clutching like a other cat with its soft mouth on loose scruff. Water without give. Icelike and not. Holding half or less of my holding unit I thought of who this limb hull has known, below the jagged surface of water, in the dry air stirring with creaking

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wood, water pressure drones like a chorus of fat bees.

- Title excerpted from a letter from Winslow Homer on a revision of his painting, The Gulf Stream (1899).

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There Is No Such Thing As A Place / Where Nothing Has Ever Happened Hannah couldnt drive yet so I drove her mothers blue-grey Subaru far away from the game and riverfishing town of Amity at the steadiest speed, breaking the limit by 30 miles per hour the entire hour in the car, hurling south. I was blind before an image of the sun, closer than it appeared in the rearview mirror, and I drove because I knew the road would take me like it always had to where we needed to be, which was no place in particular, but away. I didnt tell her then, how I couldnt hear her talking over the sound of her being, spilling light in a laugh, sighing long, small howling sounds that came from somewhere north of the arctic circle, sighing wind from beneath the northern lights like she had always spoken natures timbre. We saw nightlife waking in windows on the nearing horizon, the shoulders of big buildings blackening against New Havens skyline. We were two exits from downtown with the radio off. I remember saying something I dont remember. Sunlight splayed brilliantly over the purposeless wheat on either side of the asphalt, there and growing thick for no one over land owned by somebody I dont know, where, years ago, my father carried thick firehoses into a burning field where no one lived or worked or had good memories. This is where bruised cars are crushed. This is where they burn them up at night.

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Willow Every morning in the tall pines on either side of the road the browngrey bark gave way to something hot inside the whitish wood. Steam without breath swayed in thicker and less viscous clouds through and between itself and the trees. In winter the pines were tall and in the morning and at 17 I would walk to wait for the bus in a circle of boys with lisps and at least two dogs, each. Walking, I watched the mornings darken and lighten with the passing of winter and thought about light in the absence of sun, which is maybe what it means to be early. Younger in our backyards we raced with sleds and made each other cry, faces raw with snow melting inside the hollows under the eyebrow and down our backs with the slight taste of dirt and water and someone elses glove. We were murderous on white lawns, mild mannered in living rooms with our hands around mugs.

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Years later we watch morning traffic in silence, waiting for yellow and breathing mute steam.

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T(w)o Months, T(w)o Halves, Not (W)hole ( January. ) I walk every night with no destination. I in the gold glow of bright Brooklyn clouds, never think of go back. Do you see me from your yellow window when I take my hard lefts at the only green light? I walk the way animals walk the wild, weaving uphill uncounted blocks, following contrails people moving faster than me. A voice, ground level, passes: mymotherfuckingmanaint shit. & The Qigong masseuse smokes an infinite butt, leaning on his wet paint. ( July. )

Standing in your living room

I caught sight of an eye down the hall

in a painting. I did not want to go

to look, but way the white pulled itself

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from the paper, it was hard not to stare, like seeing

for the first time the circle

of the sun in a thin and passing cloud.

The eye does not listen

to the mind. And later when you said

What and I said Nothing

when we were fucking I felt the eye

through the wall, peering

through all your

wallpaper and paint.

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Pretending to Kill Our Men Loaded with Baskets, We Caused Them do it Themselves To testify my love, I sent you my men for your building, neglecting my own. Frost and snow caused us to keep Christmas among the Salvages with Oysters, Fish, Flesh, Wild-fowl and good bread in the dry, smokey houses. And when we found no houses we were not curious in any weather to lie three or four nights together under trees by a fire. 12 of January we arrived where the river froze. And rather than lie frozen to death for want of water meltingmiserable feare, end my miserable life, leaving my pleasures to such youths we spent the night, we made fresh water for the river was salt. A dark night moon came through the irksome woods with tears running down her cheeks. She said she could not be seen. She were but dead, and so she ran away by her self as she came. None asleep, a Salvage with his throat once cut broke the ice till it was high-water. We found bread, Turkeys, and Venison; forty swords and forty Baskets. Now we shall consume your strange demands: To destroy them that provide you food. To kill at three shoots To assure you of our loves. Send hence your arms, that I may believe you; for you see I bear you. I told you long ago I had none to spare. I nakedly forget my self. Now the ice is open, which so frightens people that they dare not come to you as promised. A-hundred-forty-eight fouls

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yet we never wanted shelter where we found any. Now we shall consume you, strange demands. And you must know: Those I have can keep me from want.

[created with text from The generall historie of Virginia, New England & the Summer Isles, together with The true travels, adventures and observations, and A sea grammar - Volume 1, Chap. VIII. Captaine Smiths Journey to Pamaunkee.

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Out, a note. I have three eggs in my carton in my refrigerator and this has become a problem because I do not eat eggs in threes or ones. When I crack eggs, I crack two of them. I am sitting on my counter with an open carton with three eggs next to me and I am thinking. Do I need or want more eggs? When was the last time I needed something? Was it the water I drank before I slept? Or is it a constant because of our need of air? And when was the last time I wanted? Though in my wanting to know now the difference in want and need, I suppose I am always wanting. Look. Like this. I want mornings with no human sound but rustling, I want to drive my car fast, I dont want this to become about you, I want to find sixty dollars on the ground, I want to meet someone who I already think I know, I want to drive my car to the train station and go back home, I want to sit next to you on a train going through a state far away from my home but I think I want the window seat. Fuck. I dont want you to take that the wrong way, I want to make you feel like the second time you smile at someone you who makes your heart knock on your chest, I want to see you in a place we need to learn, I want to be able to define You, I want to forget what you sound like, I want to buy you Seagrams Ginger Ale and take a sip of it, I want clean socks and another dog to keep my other dog company, I want to make you feel like stepping outside and realizing its your favorite kind of weather, I want to make you feel like not being able to stop reading words in a book, I want to make you feel like separating the ends of a plastic bag in the grocery store on the first try, I want at least four donuts around me at all times, I want to make you feel like smelling coffee before you drink it and I want to make you feel like finding a photograph you thought was lost and I want to buy a new pair of sneakers but this is the second pair of this kind I have worn out and its causing me some minor stress about my choices in footwear and locking myself in, there are so many possibilities, and I want to make you feel like how you feel when you empty your computers trash and see how much space is there if that makes you have a feeling. I want to know more about more religions but I dont want a degree in religion, I want to make you feel like someone lost, I want to make you feel like discovering a new thing by yourself but wanting to be able to share it with someone instantly, I dont want to talk to you but I dont want to not want to talk to you, I still want to make you feel like crossing the street in the rain when the do-not-walk sign is on but you know you can make it, I honestly want to know where Im going with this, I want to make you feel good in bed but not weird that I said that, I want you to tell me how earnest is a trait and a name in one, I want to make you feel like quick buffering times on Hulu or an online video host site of your choice, I want to make you feel like dirt must feel when it gets stepped on, I want to make you feel like biting into good fruit and having to comment on it, I want to make you feel like putting on warm laundry as a kid, I want to make you feel like hearing a song you like from a car you are not in or through a wall of a room of people you dont know, want to make you feel like making everyone jealous i want to make you feel like smiling because of something only you know I want to make you feel like thinking about the ocean like really thinking about the ocean, I want to make you feel like sunlight on you skin coming in through the window that you can see but you cant feel until you trick yourself into feeling some warmth, I want to make you feel the kind of drunk that gets people into good trouble, I want to

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make you feel like making a mistake and not fixing it because it doesnt matter, I want to make you feel like wishing you had a camera to take a picture of something but then it is gone and lives only in your memory and youre ok with that I want to make you feel how you feel when you hit repeat on a song, I want to make you feel like being in the wind in a high place, I want to make you feel how I felt once. 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