Stephen Hawking and Eden's Fulcrum (Relax, It's Comedy)

8/10/2019 Stephen Hawking and Eden's Fulcrum (Relax, It's Comedy)

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Rearranging the DNA of an in utero Stephen Hawking saves him the agony of

ALS and saves us the shame of our inability to comprehend A Brief History of Time.

Hawking invariably becomes an astrophysicist, but spends less time behind a

typewriter and more time pursuing fringe athletics. Consequently, Hawking never takes

the Ice Bucket Challenge at age 72 which would have revealed to researchers that

dumping gallons of ice water over ones own head while grinning and sitting in a

wheelchair was the cure to ALS all along. As it turns out, the Ice Bucket Challenge was

introduced to us by philanthropist TT Jonathan Belter (again honoring the anonymitypolicy, this is not his real name) from Universe KLC-112. A legitimate medical procedure

in KLC-112, Belter popularized the technique in several other universes via Facebook

intimidation under the guise of fundraising. Feeling good about himself and

Hopscotching to 2372, Belter returned to find KLC-112 covered in volcanic ash and the

oceans boiling. He would later learn a healthy (and manic) 78 year old Hawking would

write his coup-de-grace, A Brief History Of Every Atom That Has Ever Existed Including

The Atoms That Constitute The Very Ink On This Very Title, Yes, The Title Youre ReadingRight Now, a book so confoundedly brilliant that anyone who attempted to read it went

completely mad or was immediately warped into the wormhole published on page

37143.

Belter has since undone his good deed by repeatedly stabbing his optimisticcounterpart immediately after his arrival in August 2014. Though KLC-112 is somewhat

repaired, Belter spends a significant amount of his time whispering to furniture and

avoiding the Super Bowl.

Instead of aspiring to be a good person all of the time, it seems simpler to do

something massive, something incredible that will anonymously help millions. Maybethis is why there are a ridiculous number of philanthropic TTs. Perhaps they are not

philanthropists at all. Perhaps their good deeds materialize out of guilt.

All of this Hitler choking, vaccine delivering, tsunami halting, and panda

rescuing should have had some effect by now. With all these guardian angel TTs ,

human history should be completely devoid of major disasters. But it isnt, not in any

universe. It hasnt changed a thing.

T3s (Time Traveler Theologians) have named this phenomenon EdensFulcrum. The theory states, Regardless of our perception, the ratio of human suffering

to human happiness in a single universe remains unchanged. And that ratio is too bleakto mention.

Id draw a few diagrams, but even in the future, pasting diagrams into Wordis

still a bitch. Imagine a lever on a fulcrum. A see-saw. On one end, a smiley face. On the

other end, a frowny face. For our purposes, lets say the weights are even, 50-50. The

fulcrum, the little triangle in the middle, whether by natural forces or controlled by an


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all-powerful being, will shift to maintain balance when the weight of increased smiles

or increased frowns tilts the lever.

In laymans terms, if youre enjoying a cookie, somewhere someones last Oreo

was stolen by a shifty roommate. If youre having sex with the one you love, someone

else is watching his unrequiteds wedding. If youve discovered a new author who

moves you, thirty high school students have just been assignedJane Eyre (and so on).

This is the pessimists take on the theory. People hyper-aware that any good

sensation means pain for someone else. Ive seen PAs (Pleasure Abstainers), disciples ofthe theory, who will leave the room if a song they enjoy comes on the radio. PAs often

wear uncomfortable clothing or even whip themselves in order to avoid causing Edens

Fulcrum to shift into the red. Its all very Old Testament, but not the reasonable people

from the Old Testament. Snappy philosophers have tried to explain to the PAs Even

when you whip yourself, you are experiencing pleasure because it is your choice to do

so. Theres no such thing as altruism. A victory sip from the philosopher follows. A

general beating of the philosopher follows thatbecause PAs travel in twelve-packs. Andonly the ballsiest philosophers whimper through busted lips, Uh-oh. That feels pretty

good, doesnt it?

Sometimes, examples of Edens Fulcrum are more obvious. Are the winners of

the Super Bowl exactly as happy as the losers are miserable? Is an hour of crack aspleasurable as the three days of crashing is agonizing? Will the family of a healthy

organ donor, mangled in a car wreck experience tragedy as the family of the recipient of

a new heart experiences joy?

Then there is the Instant Karma version of Edens Fulcrum, which suggests

that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Well,

thats just full of shit.

Dissectors of the theory continue: Its not always a one-to-one, person-to-person

distribution of pleasure to pain. Is the profound joy of winning one million dollars in

the lottery distributed as one dollars worth of disappointment to one million people?

Nor is the transfer always apples for apples. Sometimes its apples forwolverines. Sometimes its wolverines for apples. Stick with me here. While PAs worry

their own pleasure is tilting the lever happy-wards and fear an Edens Fulcrum negative

shift, EWs (Earthquake Watchers) are, yes, watching the news for earthquakes. Such a

massive disaster kills thousands, ruins millions of lives. This is equivalent to a fist

slamming the lever suffer-ward and, while not necessarily thrilled about naturaldisasters, EWs anticipate a colossal surge of pleasure distributed worldwide as Edens

Fulcrum adjusts.

So they throw Earthquake parties.

Tsunami parties, celebrity death parties, tornado parties. The tattered banner

outside the party mansion reads, Its not twisted-- Were just being objective about the

_______ (the blank to be filled in as earthquake or tsunami or whatever and then


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whited out before the next party). These parties can get just berserk, maybe due to self-

fulfilling prophecies of the attendees, or maybe because Edens Fulcrum really does

exist. If so, throwing a legendary party after a worldwide disaster is like being in a

yacht race and hoisting the largest sail to catch the incoming wind. You wont catch all

of the wind, but youll get the largest share. One EW estimates the conversion ratio: a

single 8.0 Earthquake equates to 500,000 people who dont ordinarily get laid getting

laid.

Few hangovers, few regrets. Though nobody would classify EWs asgood people,I certainly admire their self-assurance and total lack of guilt after a really great party.

Edgar has been applying to the EWs since he first heard of them. Were both too new as

TTs to be welcomed into any group other than New Time Travelers Club. This is not an

orientation group. This is a dark room where new TTs are bashed over the head.

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Stephen Hawking and Eden's Fulcrum (Relax, It's Comedy)