Star Wars - A New Hope

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An alternate plot.

Text of Star Wars - A New Hope

EPISODE IV A NEW HOPESPACEA tiny little ship zips by, followed by a gargantuan ship shaped like a giant anvil. Using a top-secret tractor beam, it pulls in the tiny ship and traps it in the large cavity on it's underside. Inside, two droids, C-SOB and R2-Rnot are arguing with each other. C-SOB: Well, FINE! If that's the way you want it, I WILL stop repeating whatever you say for no good reason! R2-Rnot: BEEP! C-SOB: What do you mean, "Fine"? R2-Rnot: Bo Beep C-SOB: What do you mean, "Oh God"?

NEAR THE MAIN ENTRANCE HATCHA bunch of eighty-year old grandpas with tiny rayguns are crouching near the door like they have a chance in Hell of being in the sequel. The door slides open with warning, and a bunch of stormtroopers pour in, firing everywhere. C-SOB: Look, R2! A firefight! Let's run right through it! R2-Rnot: Beep bop boop. C-SOB: What do you mean, "You must be on dru--" A stray laser bolt blasts him to peices. R2-Rnot: Beep bop beepity-bop boo-bop. [Damn, that wasn't supposed to happen for another movie or so.] R2, using yet another handy tool we didn't know about that he'll never use again, magnetically bunches all of C-SOB's parts together and drags the large cluster of machinery along with a cable. Just then, Leia steps out from her hiding place, blocking the small droid. She is wearing near-lethal amounts of eyeliner, lipstick, lip gloss, mascara, and other kinds of makeup. Her long false eyelashes are drooping, and her hair is beginning to slip out of her absurd buns. Leia: (Wearily) Hey... robot dude. I can't stand this anymore. They're beating the crap outta my best ship. R2-Rnot: Beep. Bop. [Like I care.] Leia: I didn't get a word of that, but I, like, need your help, alright? R2-Rnot: Beepity-boppity. Beep. Whistle. [Get away from me!]

Leia: Uh huh. Whatever. Now hold still. Darth Vader, meanwhile, strolls into the diplomatic ship, carefully stepping over the dead bodies of stormtroopers and grandpa rebels, accompanied by two important officers, who both die sometime in the next movie. Darth Vader: Oh yeah. I'm the man. Important Offcer: Y-Yes, my lord. You are the man. Darth Vader: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK IN MY PRESENCE!? Important Officer: S-Sorry, m-m-my lord. Darth Vader: Uh huh. Now, scour this ship for anyone expendable to the plot and bring them to me ALIVE! Did you hear that? ALIVE! Imortant Officer: Yes sir. At once sir. Right away sir. Without delay sir. I-- ACK! He falls to the floor, holding his throat and choking. A few minutes later, a bunch of stormtroopers turn around a corner and see Leia with R2. She looks up and panics, moments before the lead stormtrooper fires a Sleep-ray right into her chest. She flops over, unconcious. Stormtrooper: Get the droid, too. They open fire on the droid, but can't aim worth what they fill they space-toilets with every day. Evading them, he rolls right into an unfired Escape Pod, with C-SOB's parts still trailing behind him. Stormtrooper: Ah, what the heck. Let him live, he's just a droid. Fortunately, none of the stormtroopers understood the way R2 talks, or they would have hear what he screamed at them as he shut the Escape Pod hatch, and they would have killed him for sure.

A HALLWAY INSIDE THE SHIPDarth Vader is holding up some scrub guy by the neck. A bunch of amused stormtroopers are watching. Darth Vader: Why don't you just say that again, huh? HUH? What's the matter? Don't think my butt's so big any more, do ya? Scrub Guy: Ugh-- I-- Please-Darth Vader: Now where's my favorite Teddy Bear?! Scrub Guy: It's not here! I *gasp* swear! Darth Vader: Uh huh. Yeah. Darth Vader crushes his throat the old-fashioned way and flings him on top of the pile of dead scrub guys nearby. At that moment, the crowd of stormtroopers return, with Leia

slung over the lead one's shoulder. Leia: Hey! Put me down! I'm, like, a princess! The stormtrooper dumps her onto the floor. She sits up, looking very flustered, as all of the the stormtroopers pull out their blasters and aim them at her head at once. Darth Vader: Hey there, hot stuff. Leia: Oh, go boil your head. Darth Vader: Heh heh. Now, don't tell me you're some kind of lame dimplomat on some lame diplomatic mission to some lame planet when I know that you have my Teddy Bear on this ship! Leia: Er... If I say that, are you gonna kill me?

SPACEThe tiny escape pod zips through space, with R2 and C-SOB safely inside. Aboard the huge ship, two officers see the pod rushing towards the nearby planet of Tabooine. First Officer: There goes another one. Second Officer: Hold your fire, there aren't any expendable characters aboard. R2 gets to work repairing C-SOB, as Tabooine draws closer and closer...

A SMALL HOVEL IN TABOOINEPuke Starboozer, looking quite hung over, stumbles out of his tiny hovel, his shirt unbuttoned and his shoes untied. He yawns, stretches his flabby arms, and then sees a tiny moving object off in the distance. Puke: 'Ey, ma! The sandcrawler's comin' to town! Puke's ma, a thin, pinched-looking woman with a permanantly scowling face hobbles out, her hand on her bad back. Puke's Ma: The sancrawler? Hey, it is! Well, your pa says to make sure to get yourself a droid that speaks Bachi, so it can 'elp him out on the farm! Puke: OK, ma.

WAY, WAY OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERTAn Imperial Shuttle lands in the middle of the desert, and a horde of Sandtroopers rushes out. The lead one notices an empty escape pod nearby, with tracks leading away from it off into the distance. Sandtrooper: We have them. This way, boys! Sandtrooper: (In a distinctly female voice.) You know, not all of us are boys! Other Sandtrooper: Shut up, Katie. Katie: Hey, you mouth off to me like that again and I'm gonna stick this blaster up where

the sun doesn't shine, got it?

ABOARD THE SANDCRAWLERInside the sandcrawler, piles and piles of droid parts are everywhere. R2 and C-SOB are lying unconcious on top of a pile. R2 wakes up and slowly looks around. Obnoxious Fan: I CAN SEE KENNY BAKER! I CAN SEE KENNY BAKER! R2-Rnot: Beep bop boop bip bleep. [Where the hell am I?] Nearby, two seedy-looking droids look up from their game of Checkers and grunt. Seedy-Looking Droid #1: You too, eh, kid? R2-Rnot: Bop beep whistle! [I'm scared. Get me outta here!] Seedy-Looking Droid #2: I didn't get a word of that. Seedy-Looking Droid #1: Yeah, does he talk like that for the whole movie? R2-Rnot: Boppity! Beepity! Whistle! Squawk! [Assholes.] Another droid with flat feet clomps over and puts his hand sympathetically on R2's dome. Flat-Footed Droid: There, there. They got me too, see? You didn't have a chance. They have these handy electrical-stunner-whatsamabobs used solely to capture us. At that moment, the Sandcrawler screeches to a halt, and a large door slides open. A burly, sinister-looking Jawa with a bull whip swaggers over. Jawa: Get over here, squeakie. R2 hesitates for a moment, then fires his blowtorch at the Jawa's groin. He stumbles over, cursing. Jawa: AARRGGH!!! Seedy-Looking Droid #1: Bad move, Astromech. The number one rule around here is "Leave Big Al's Balls Alone." Seedy-Looking Droid #2: Now we'll have to change it to "Leave What's Left Of Big Al's Balls Alone." The Jawa gets to his feet, his yellow eyes pulsating in rage. He whips out his handy remote, and presses the handy button on it. Instantly, all of the droids in the Sandcrawler begin walking dazedly out the door. C-SOB wakes up and joins them. R-2 finds himself rolling along with them as well. R2-Rnot: Beep! [What's goin' on!?] Then, he notices the handy restraining bolt welded onto his front, causing him to obey the orders of the remote-control-owner. R2-Rnot: Beep beep bop. [Dang.]

Outside, the droids are bathed in blinding sunlight. The jawa is lining them all up, whipping the impertinent ones and scowling at them all. Puke Starboozer comes over, scratching his back and yawning. Jawa: Heh heh. Hello, laddie. Puke: Hold on. Aren't you supposed to talk like a rubber duck? Jawa: (Irritably.) I got a vocal-cord transplant. Puke: Woah. Cool. OK, whatcha got for me? Jawa: Well, over here we have a fine, top-notch droid from somewhere in The Jundland Wastes. Name's Toby, I beleive... Droid Called Toby: My name is Kunta Kinte! The jawa whips the tar out of him. Droid Called Toby: I'm a droid, Einstein, I don't feel pain. Wait, I mean, I do feel pain! Ouch! Ouch! Don't do it again! Please! Jawa: Good. And uh, over here we have another first-rate droid from, er, somewhere. Puke: He's fallin' apart. Jawa: Yeah, but you can have him for only twenty credits! A real bargain! And, as a bonus, we'll throw in this Starfighter Ace manual for free! Puke: Hey, that sounds good. Does it speak Bachi? Jawa: Yeah, yeah, whatever. It speaks Bachi like a feind, boy. Now cough up the dough. Puke: Well, OK. Here ya go. Jawa: Thanks, sucker. Heh heh heh... I mean, er, have a nice day. Puke begins walking back home, the small red astromech that he just bought clunking along behind him. It gives a small whistle, then explodes, sending fiery shards of metal in every direction. Puke gasps and ducks. Meanwhile, the Jawa runs back into the Sandcrawler. Jawa: (Into a walkie-talkie.) Quick, Joe! He's onto us! Get this metal crate MOVIN'! Puke stumbles to his feet and looks at the remains of the small red droid, then at the many droids hypnotically marching back into the Sandcrawler, then at the large Jawa frantically pressing a handy button on his handy remote. Puke: Hey, you little swindler! You owe me an astromech! He reaches the Sandcrawler and grabs R2 and C-SOB moments before they walk mindlessly into the Sandcrawler. As soon as the large metal door shuts, and the Sandcrawler takes off with a squeal of burned rubber, the remote control goes out of range and they

come back to their senses. C-SOB: My, my. How did I get here? Puke: Well, I thought, since I paid way too much for that busted droid, I might as well get a nic