John McGlashan College

Junior English

Common Assessment Task:

“Creating a Character”

Student Instructions

In this activity you will develop a piece of descriptive writing in which you focus on a character.

Your task is to choose your words and images carefully to help bring a character to life for your readers. They should be able to visualize and understand the character.

Your readers are other students and your teacher.

Writers often use ideas, events, or people around them as inspiration for their work, incorporating details from their own personal experiences, reading or observations into their own writing. You may use one of the pictures provided as a starter or you can base your character on someone you know or have seen.

You will need to make sure that your finished piece does the following: is at least 250 words long. develops clear ideas about the character. is organized into paragraphs that help develop the ideas. uses language techniques and vocabulary that help bring the character to life. has accurate spelling, grammar and punctuation.

You will only work on this in class time.

You will write it on a Google document that is shared with your teacher.

DUE DATE: the end of the last English lesson of this term.

Creative Writing Tasks

Show don’t tell

“It begins with a character, usually, and once he stands up on his feet and begins to move, all I can do is trot along behind him with a paper and pencil trying to keep up long enough to put down what he says and does.”  William Faulkner

The best writers show you action, setting and character rather than just tell you. See below for an example.

Tell: The old man sat in the park surrounded by birds.Show: His lank grey hair hung over his face as he sat hunched on the old park bench. Seagulls sidled close to him; pecking the ground next to his walking stick.

Now write your own “show” for the following “tells”:

The toddler threw a tantrum, even though he was surrounded by toys.

The lion looked unhappy in its cage.

The weather was terrible

Using an extended metaphor

A metaphor is a direct comparison. For example, a man could be compared directly to a bird – his hawk nose caught my attention first.

An extended metaphor is when you develop this comparison in other places in your writing. For example you could continue to use bird references in developing the description above - Then I noticed his talon hands as he swooped towards me.

Although you do not have to include an extended metaphor in your writing, you may find that it adds to the impression you are trying to create. Your extended metaphor could be based on:

a bird an insect an animal a monster an aspect of the weather eg storm, sun a plant

For example, a man or woman may behave like a peacock or may move like an ant.

The paragraph which follows provides another example of an extended metaphor.

Read the following paragraph and highlight any words which link to the extended metaphor you have identified.

I could see the thunder in his face, the lightning in his tense body as soon as he

entered the room. He caught me in the darting of his shifty eyes, then sprung

forward as if ready to strike. His mouth was just a thin line and his bony hands were

clenched into tight, veined balls. Before I had time to escape or to find shelter

beneath the umbrella of my mother’s calm, those balls unfurled and gripped my

shoulders. His voice rang out like thunder ….

Working with words - connotation

In your description, the words you choose should lead your reader to react in certain ways. One way of doing this is to use connotative rather than denotative words.

Denotation refers to words that label things in the world. Connotation refers to the associations that words can have in our minds. For example, the denotation of the word “pig” is a four-legged animal. For some of us, however, the word “pig” might have connotations of dirtiness.

Write down the denotation, and the connotations that the following words have for you: black, white, Friday, gang, politician, dog.

Read the description of a seedy businessman developed as part of a writing exercise based on the character Max in Jane Westaway’s short story Reliable Friendly Girls.

Identify the words, which build this unpleasant image for the reader.

Extract A based on Max in Reliable Friendly Girls

Max leaned back in his chair stretching his waistcoat over his paunch, then leaned forward. His chair creaked. Max’s little belly squashed against the desk edge, his face mapped with thin red veins pushed towards the two young girls. Max leered across his desk his receding hairline revealing a shiny bald patch on his forehead. He dabbed at the sweat beads on his nose as his eyes darted over the girls. “Right ladies, how can I help you?” Max asked, his eyes narrowing so that they almost disappeared.

Like extract A, extract B describes a character and is designed to influence the way the reader views the character. The writer used a structure, which you could follow in your character description:

choose a character “type” – eg: nasty teacher choose an extended metaphor - eg: bull choose certain words linked to the metaphor to influence the reader’s view

of the character

You should also note the stages in the writing identified on the left. You could follow these stages when you write about your own character, or you might develop an original way of revealing your character to your readers.

Character introduced

Metaphor introduced

Extract B adapted fromThe Best Years of Your Life

by Cynthia Thomas

I can still picture him at the front of the classroom, silent and still but ready, ready to charge and maim at any moment. We too were silent, but ours was the stillness of dread. Helplessly, cowering in our seats, we waited for the attack, desperately wanting to run, to avoid being trampled, but paralysed by terror.

Physical description.

Metaphor extended.

Connotative words used to influence the reader’s view of the character.

He was our school’s most feared teacher, because not only did his attacks leave scars, but we never knew when they would come. We watched and waited. With his tyre-like gut vibrating glutinously, he moved slowly towards us, running his plump, worm-like fingers through the few remaining strands of his oily hair. I stared into his piercing, beady eyes, and felt the first prickle of fear graze my skin.

Actions described. “Boy!” The deep snort of his voice jerked me upright. With horror I realised that today I was to be his victim.“Sir?” I heard the quiver in my voice. I wanted to run, but I was fenced, trapped. All I could do was wait. I could feel my hands sweating, leaving imprints of fear on the desk top.“Your mind, boy, must be a seething mass of mediocrity.” I looked up at his reddening face. His nose was bulbous, the creases on either side of his nostrils dotted with blackheads. I felt my own face pale in response, and tried not to recoil at the stench, like rotting fruit, of his breath.“Sir?” My classmates waited. I could almost feel their sympathy fingering my fear. It had been a difficult exam, but surely I hadn’t done that badly?

Metaphor further developed

“Stupid, that’s what you must be, boy.” His words cut deep. “Does your father know he sired an imbecile?” They dug, deeper still, then seemed to toss me off as if I was a little piece of nothing. He snorted with disgust, tossing my worthless test paper towards my desk, then marched purposefully towards the whiteboard. His heavy footsteps echoed hollowly in the silence.

Concluding sentence further influences reader’s view

The papers, their black writing blurring into indecipherable coils, drifted slowly to the floor before my downcast eyes.

In extract C a student also writes about a character with the intention of influencing the way the reader views that character. The writer has chosen

a character “type” - eg: nasty teacher an extended metaphor - eg: creature stalking its prey certain words linked to the metaphor to influence the reader’s view of the

character.

Underline any words, which are linked to the metaphor.Note the stages in the writing identified on the left, which you could follow when you write about your own character. Answer the questions on the left after reading each paragraph. Think about when the author has chosen to reveal the answers.

Character introduced vaguely.Suspense created –what is the ‘creature’?what is the ‘quarry’?what is to be dissected?

Extract CThe Ivory Hunter

As I adopted the required position, I sensed the presence. I, like always, positioned my papers so both the creature and I could distinguish the variations. There were standard procedures, expected formalities to be observed, quarry to be captured and dissected.

Metaphor introduced

Actions and thoughts introduced

Today was different, because there was to be only one victim – me. I remained silent in the isolated and disturbing space, apprehensively waiting for her to appear. My fingers trembled with almost unbearable intensity. I longed for the day when I could stop attending these horrendous sessions. It annoyed me that I felt this way. In every other aspect of my life I was a confident and outgoing teenager. Here I became a quivering mouse. Prey ready to be seized!.

Metaphor extended Pursuing me was her speciality. She would stalk downwind and move as close as possible before attacking, although this time I did feel her presence before she entered the room. Her colossal silhouette cast a shadow on me. My nostrils picked up her familiar cloying odour. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck spring to attention. My time had come.

Physical descriptionMetaphor further developed

As I turned our eyes locked, and as always I was the first to look away. I felt her gaze probing, piercing. She was sweating even before she attacked, her mottled skin glistening. I couldn’t help staring at the decaying lipstick she had smeared inelegantly about her lips as she threw me a twisted smile.

But the thing that frightened me most was that she was in control.

Concluding sentence reveals identity

How in God’s name did I get landed with the piano teacher from hell?

Now it is time for you to plan and write about a character.

Step 1: Choosing your character

You need to choose a character you can describe clearly. Here are some possibilities:

a “dragon” of a relative a well liked relative or friend a frightening or threatening stranger or villain an interesting stranger: eg a lonely old man, a determined young woman, a

distressed child, a person who lacks confidence.

Look at the starter photos (at the back of this booklet), brainstorm some further ideas and choose a suitable character. Collect a planning sheet from your teacher or design one of your own. Plan out the main ideas you want the reader to understand about your character and how you will achieve this.

Step 2: Drafting a description

a) Create a Google document titled with CAT 2013 and your name. E.g. CAT 2013 Joe Bloggs. Share this with your teacher.

b) Develop your own description. Remember to write at least 250 words. You could follow one of the structures outlined in The Best Years of Your Life or

The Ivory Hunter or you might develop an original way of revealing your character to your readers

use connotative language develop a metaphor or simile

c) Read the annotated exemplars and the marking guide at the back of this booklet. You may not include direct quotations from the exemplars, nor from the samples used in other parts of this activity.

Step 3: Crafting your writing

a) Read over your writing and edit it in terms of the following questions:Have you used:

- figurative language?- an extended metaphor or simile?- words with connotations?- detailed and developed ideas?- appropriate language?- correct spelling and punctuation?- appropriate paragraphs?

STARTER PHOTOS

MARKING GUIDELevel 3 Level 4 Level 5 Level 6In this piece of writing:

Purpose and Audience

You are trying to give the reader an interesting description of the character but you may be “telling” rather than “showing” them the details.

You have sections where you are beginning to “show” the reader ideas about you character.

You choose words that target the specific ideas and feelings you want your reader to understand about your character.

Your details connect together.

All your words, phrases and details work together to engage the reader and give them a clear understanding of the character.

You are beginning to “bring them to life.”

Ideas You have one clear character you wish to describe but you may not have provided enough detail to “bring them to life”.

You have referred to at least one of the following senses; sights, sounds, thoughts, feelings.

Most of the ideas and details you are providing help create a clear description of your character and you are beginning to expand on some parts.

You have used most of the senses but they may appear as a list rather than a connected whole piece.

The details and ideas you have chosen show you are putting thought into what will best help describe your character and help entertain/inform the reader.

You are choosing details that expand on the main parts of your description and create an overall feeling or atmosphere.

You have used a range of senses.

All the details and ideas you have carefully chosen work together to create a convincing and possibly original picture of your character.

You have put careful thought into which ideas to develop to create a consistent and believable description.

You have used a range of senses and they connect together.

Structure You have attempted to use paragraphs to break your ideas up into a logical sequence but these may not yet naturally link together.

You ending may be missing or abrupt.

You have used appropriate paragraphing that logically sequences your ideas.

You are beginning to use phrases that link your paragraphs together.

You have a clear beginning and ending.

Your paragraphs are organised in a logical way that controls the pace of the description. Each paragraph contains a main idea and supporting details.

You have a clear beginning and ending that shows you have thought about the reader

Your ideas and paragraphs are organised to create a seamless and connected description.Each paragraph builds on a single idea and they all link together.

Your beginning helps draw you reader in and your ending is satisfying or thought provoking.

Language You are using some descriptive words (like adjectives and

You are using some precise words (verbs, nouns and

You are deliberately using words (nouns, verbs and

You are using a wide range of descriptive and figurative

adverbs) and language features (like metaphor and simile) but these may not always fit with what you are describing or may still be too general (e.g. big, small, nice).

Your sentences are accurate and you are using basic sentence punctuation such as full stops, capitals and question marks.

You are attempting to use a variety of sentence beginnings but you may have repeatedly used words such as; he, she, the, then.

You are also accurately using capitals for proper nouns, commas in lists, speech marks, pronouns, and apostrophes for contractions.

You may be mixing up your tense (past, present future).

adjectives) and language features (simile, metaphor, personification) but this may not be consistent or may not fit the feeling or atmosphere you want to portray.

You are accurately using some complex sentences although they may not always be fluent.

Most of the time you are using varied sentence beginnings.

Your more complex punctuation (commas, colons, hyphens, apostrophes of possession and dialogue) is mostly accurate.

adjectives) to describe actions, events, thoughts and feelings (e.g. ‘willow’ instead of ‘tree’) and a range of language features to help your reader see your character in an interesting way

You are regularly using accurate complex sentences and most of the time they help your writing flow.

Your complex punctuation is accurate and you may be attempting to use commas and semi colons to embed phrases or clauses in your sentences.

language that is selected to create an overall mood, atmosphere or idea for the reader.

You may be presenting your character from a new or original point of view that command attention.

You are accurately using complex and varied sentence types to help create a deliberate pace and mood within your description.

Errors may interfere with your meaning and the reader’s understanding.

You have a consistent viewpoint and tense.

Any errors of punctuation and grammar are not intrusive and do not interfere with the reader’s understanding of your ideas.

3a 4b 4p 4a 5b 5p 5a 6bYear 9

Below At Above Well aboveNot Achieved Achieved Merit Excellence

Year 10

Below At Above Well aboveNot Achieved Achieved Merit Excellence

EXEMPLARS

Not Achieved

The Only Way Out!

She stoped shakeing and slowly placed the pen down and looked at herself in the miror. She dispised what she saw her long stringy pitch black hair fell infront of her face. She swept it away with her beautiful soft olive colored hands. From her mysterious peircing black eyes tears streamed down her soft pink cheeks splattered heavily on the paper. Pain, agony, tourture, Depression, resentment, confusion were swirling around in her head like the eye of a hurricane. She felt like storm clouds was all inside her and made pain go threw her brain mind and body.She had a fat nose and chubby cheeks and a big round face. Like a ball or a pig. She sat in her favorite chair letting the tears flow from her bloodshot eyes comtimplating about what her next move would be. The anser for her was staring her right in the face a loaded shotgun only a couple cm away. She thought about it for a while her life was a wreck, like a ship wreck giving a big crash around her like a soundless movie and you can’t do anything to stop or get out. There was no more doubts in her mind. She quickly picked up the loaded shotgun pointed it to herself and just before she pulled the trigger she whispered, It was the only way out.Then she fell, big blobs of blood were on the paper of her suicide letter.

(243 words)

Overblown language and images. Inappropriate writing style.

Spelling and punctuation errors.Intrusive errors in use of writing conventions.

Text is largely unstructured.

Expresses ideas but detail is unclear or inappropriate. Further development needed.

4A: Y9 Achieved/Y10 Not Achieved

Grandad

My grandad wears slippers and is the former owner of the apple orchard that covers

most of his land. He has the look of an old bagpiper and he has greying hair that is

balding. He has an old weatherbeaten face, like his father's who was a sailor. He

has a longish thin nose and projecting cheekbones. He has blue eyes and tightened

lips his face is deep and cavernous. He wears an old chequered shirt and khaki

shorts. When he goes outside he wears leather sandals. He is medium height but

not big and bulky.

He loves telling and reading stories to us. He is always kind, only when you really

tick him off he goes on his strict side. He has a good sense of humour and he loves

his vegetable garden. He always works in there growing beans, potatoes, carrots

and lettuce. He doesn't tell jokes but he is a funny person all the same.

My granddad is probably always thinking about his vegie garden or his computer.

He loves playing about with his computer. He and my grandma have a daily

routine. 1Wake up, go and eat breakfast, go to the beach, come home, work on the

garden, have a sleep, fiddle with the computer, work on garden, pick beans, dig up

potatoes etc for dinner, eat dinner, set table for tomorrow, go to sleep, wake up etc

etc etc. He loves his garden so much he'd probably buy a whole greenhouse for it if

he had enough money.

Grandad, as I said, is always telling stories. You might think that it is something

anyone can do but he's just got that gift that makes even Romeo and Juliet or other

stories like that sound really cool. He always makes us laugh he is very protective of

his vegie garden and he doesn't let us go in but we go in anyway. At the beach

where we go every morning regularly he always goes out with his body board and

catches good waves (2 – 3 feet) even though he is 70 something. They have a really

big steep lawn and we ride down on the skateboards he reckons it's fun and he

loves it when we come and bring our body boards.

5b: Y9 Merit/Y10 Achieved

LonelyHe stands by the bin, finding the leftover takeaways with his

small bony hands and eating the chicken scraps with his bad

teeth. He is a homeless, lonely old man who sleeps in a

cardboard box each night and scavenges in a bin for dinner

each day.

He turns his wrinkly face and his scruffy head around

because he hears something. A cat silently creeps out. He

says something to it in his strange voice, picks up the cat to

give it a hug. Then he crawls into his crumpled cardboard box

to sleep. His legs are as thin as sticks, he looks like he could

fall over. His bare feet are the last to disappear into the box

as he curls up and huddles under his stained quilt. The

breeze makes him wish he had a warm home with a fireplace

to warm his cold feet. He reaches down and tries and fails to

pull the flaps of the box shut to cover his cold feet. He then

tries to pull the quilt down, then huddles in to a ball.

He takes a breath and sighs as he thinks how different his life

would be if he had a nice home. He pictures himself in a

warm bed. Then the cat comes and curls up in the box. He

stays awake until morning comes and smells the bacon and

sausages coming from the cafe nearby. He crawls out of his

cardboard bed towards the smells but knows they will send

him away. He is just about to open the café door when

something lands on him. He opens his eyes to see the cat

lying on his chest and the sun streaming in the window. The

cat brushes its fur again his face as he wakes up in his warm

pyjamas in his bedroom.

Uses writing conventionswithout intrusiveerrorsSome spelling errors.Generally accurate.

Appropriate structure.Cliched ending.Repetitious paragraph openers.

Appropriate butunimaginativewriting style, simple vocabulary.

5P: Y9 Excellence/Y10 Merit

Everything is Relative

I stared at the figure coming closer to me. Her fiery red hair stood

out amongst the bustling crowd on the platform. I frantically

looked for a place to hide, but there was nowhere. I stayed glued

to the spot, too terrified to move, hoping that she would walk past

and ignore me.

As she approached I caught a whiff of her strong, flowery perfume

and my eyes were drawn to the old, tattered suitcase she was

carrying. The handle of the case had snapped and masking tape

was holding it together.

She noticed me through a gap in the crowd. She shouted out

“Pumpkin!”, that embarrassing name she had called me since I

was little.

Her voice was louder than the public address system. I could feel

my face burning and felt sure that everyone noticed my glowing

cheeks. I tried to pretend that I hadn’t heard but it was no good.

She came up to me. As she smiled her chin jutted out, her lips

were covered in bright red lipstick and her teeth were stained.

She put down the battered suitcase and I knew what was coming

next.

“Give your Aunt Mabel a hug,” she shouted, then lunged forward

and gave me a big sloppy kiss. I pulled away and wiped my face.

“Come on, Aunt Mabel, let’s get you home.” I tried to smile.

I walked off the platform just in front of Aunt Mabel trying to

pretend that I wasn’t with her. It was pretty hard to do this,

Controlled opening, followed by sound development of description – clear appropriate structure

Use of connotative vocabulary – controlled writing style suitable for the topic but does not command attention

Ideas developed with detail

Uses writing conventions accurately

because she kept saying embarrassing things like was I still

behaving myself at school and how much I’d grown. I hoped that

no one from school would see me. How was I going to survive the

next two weeks with Aunt Mabel in the same house?

6B: Excellence

The Chief

It was a blustery, dreary day at the port auction. The wind

whipped around my face. Local businessmen boasted loudly

about their wealth, their fat wallets brimful with money, eager to

purchase the most choice and fit slaves.

The auctioneer greeted the crowd as a heavy door on the ship

was lowered. Two of the crew roughly ejected families who were

then hauled onto a platform, handcuffed and sale-ready. The

bidding began. Crying children were jostled about then taken

away, screaming as they were separated from their families.

Helpless mothers stood weeping as their lives were sold. Men

were spat on as they stood proudly, trying to hide their fear. The

thump of the hammer echoed loudly.

A loud jeer went up among the crowd. Looking up, I saw a chief

shaking off the grip of his crewman pushing him onto the

platform. The crowd laughed cruelly as he proudly stepped up,

unmoved. His hair flowed down his back like a dark stream and

was topped with a magnificent headdress embroidered with

feathers. High cheekbones emphasised his set jaw and stern

mouth. The crewman roughly tore off the headdress and threw it

down.

The bidding began. The auctioneer crowed. The chief’s mouth

moved slightly, as if praying, and he glared at the crowd. A boy

waddled to the platform and picked up the headdress, then

spurred on by the shouts of laughter from the crowd performed a

Uses writing conventions accurately

Controlled writing style commands attention.Varied sentence structure. Suspense created.Figurative language used effectively.

Structure is clear and effective.

Detailed and convincing development of ideasActions described.Character developed.Suspense maintained.

clumsy dance. Still the chief did not move. He did not show fear.

He did not show anger.

Taking a deep breath, I cried out. “One thousand pounds. I’ll

pay one thousand pounds.” People turned to stare at me, and

the auctioneer’s face split into a grin.

“Going once! Going twice! SOLD!”

The chief was thrust towards me, his eyes brimming with

contempt. As the bidding began once more, I led him away.