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Sarah Rosensweet

Special Time

a Guide

Published by Sarah Rosensweet

© 2020 Toronto, Ontario, Canada

www.sarahrosensweet.com

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher, except as permitted by Canadian copyright law. For permissions fill out the contact form at www.sarahrosensweet.com/contact

Design by Julia Pepler.

Typeset in Hiragino Kaku Gothic and Bely.

*Special Time was coined by Patty Wipfler of Hand In Hand Par-enting and further popularized by my mentor Dr. Laura Markham of Aha Parenting.

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I’m Sarah Rosensweet. I’m a Peaceful Parenting Coach and mama to 3 big kids (two boys, ages 19 and 16, and a girl, age 13.)

I’m here to support YOU. I invite you to join my peaceful parenting communi-ty: the Peaceful Parenting with Sarah Rosensweet Facebook group or reach out to me personally for a free short consult at sarahrosensweet.com.

“Special Time is how they know you love them.”–MY DAUGHTER, MAXINE, AGE 10

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Like most of us, you probably feel it’s a daily challenge to find the time to connect with your child. We know how important one-on-one time is but at the end of the day we realize that all we’ve done is move our children through the schedule. Get up, dressed, to school, home, activities, home-work, dinner, bedtime.

What if I told you that you could completely strengthen and transform your relationship with your child in only 15 minutes a day? You can!

Special Time is a peaceful parenting tool that is a super-charged way to connect with your child.

Our children NEED to feel that we see them, that we understand them, and that they matter.

Our attention is a vital need like food, water and sleep. When they feel con-nected to us, they WANT to be more cooperative. Our strong relationship with them is ultimately the most powerful way we can influence them.

And of course, we are all busy with jobs, the house, our other children, modern life. How do we find the time to make sure they are getting what they need from us? Special Time*!

Not only does Special Time give them the attention they need while build-ing connection and strengthening our relationship with them, it can be the ‘fix’ we need when things are feeling difficult or if our child has been acting out a lot. Parents that I coach say they can’t believe how much the simple addition of Special Time improves their child’s behaviour and transforms their relationship!

What is Special Time?It is 10-20 minutes a day of 1x1 time with your child, no distractions, im-mersed in their world of play.

It is as my daughter says, “How you know they love you.”

Introduction

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Special Time is unstructured. It’s not baking, or reading books, or playing board games.

Special Time is child-led. Your child chooses what to play. Lego, dollies, imaginary superheroes or Paw Patrol.

No screens during Special Time!

Call it by your child’s name– “Maya Time” or “Mama and Davey Time”

Be present. Put away your phone, file away the to-do list. Really try to fo-cus on your child and pour all your love and attention into them.

Set a timer. It can be hard for us to play for very long without getting dis-tracted. Our play muscles are rusty. You can do anything for 15 minutes.

Delight in your child! Your child needs to feel your adoration.

Be prepared for big feelings, when Special Time ends or after. Having an ‘end’ to Special Time is also useful for your child as an opportunity to have a scheduled meltdown and let out the tears that have built up over the day or over time. You can give them all your empathy- “I know! I love Special Time too. It’s so hard when it’s over. We’ll do it again soon.” And hopefully your child can cry. It’s also common that sometimes children will have a meltdown or ‘pick a fight’ with you after Special Time because they now feel safer and more connected to you and all those stored up old big feel-ings start to come out.

Try to get your child laughing– especially if you don’t have time for both Special Time and roughhousing. If you know me and peaceful parenting, you know another peaceful parenting tool is daily laughter and rough-housing. Laughter really helps your child process stored up emotions and makes you feel closer to each other. Your child might choose something physical with you, but if they don’t you could alternate turns.

Put Special Time on your to-do list for every day! If you try for every day but only get it 3 or 4 times a week, that is great. But if you try for 3 or 4 times a week you might only get it once or twice.

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Let’s talk some logistics: If you have 2 parents and 2 kids, you can do Spe-cial Time for 15 minutes a day and alternate kids. If you have 30 minutes? Each parent gets each kid for 15 minutes.

If you have small children who won’t leave you alone while you are doing Special Time with the other, and no help to entertain them- maybe it’s bet-ter to do all kids together roughhousing and try for Special Time when you can do it without interruption. Special

Time is GREAT for reducing sibling rivalry but it defeats the purpose if a sibling is always interrupting.

Try Special Time today and let me know how it goes. You can post in my Peaceful Parenting Facebook group. I know you will be pleasantly surprised at what a great return this small change brings.

xx Sarahwww.sarahrosensweet.com

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SPECIAL TIME GUIDELINESSpecial Time is:

• a Peaceful Parenting tool to give your child supercharged attention, in-crease your connection

• and improve your relationship

• 10-20 minutes a day spent 1x1 with your child, all distractions aside

• unstructured

• child-led play

• you and your child immersed in your child’s world of play

• as my daughter says, “how they know you love them”

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Do:• set a timer & stick to the time (tip: allow extra time for tears when you have

to stop. Use

• the opportunity to empty their emotional backpack; empathize and let the tears flow)

• call it by your child’s name (Ruby Time, Davey and Mama Time, etc)

• try to get your child laughing. If your child always suggests more serious and quiet play,

• it’s great to suggest roughhousing games for every other day if this is the only time you

• have together.

• delight in your child

Don’t:• no screens, no structured activities (like reading or board games)

• get distracted! Phone away, don’t think of the To-do list. You can do any-thing for 15 minutes!

• don’t be alarmed if your child acts out or has a meltdown after Special Time. They will feel closer to you and safer to let out their big feelings. Em-pathize and help them cry.

Try for: Each parent with each child every day. Set this as your intention even if you can’t make it happen every day- you’ll make it happen more often than if you try for, say, 3x/ week. Hint: For a 2 parent/2 child family- set aside 30 minutes daily, and switch after 15 minutes for each child. Or if you have only 15 minutes, alternate children each day.

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ROUGHHOUSINGIDEASThese are roughhousing ideas and inspiration compiled by other parents just like you. You’ll find your ‘play muscles’ are weak at first but will get stronger with practice.

Roughhousing is great for connection and laughter releases all sorts of tensions from our bodies.

Both are great for helping us and our children feel closer and more con-nected.

If you can do roughhousing and Special Time each every day- fantastic! If you don’t have time for both, do roughhousing every other day for Special Time.

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Your child should ALWAYS win, be faster and more powerful than you in roughhousing games. If you are campy and outrageous, your child knows it’s a game. It’s a great antidote to the powerlessness of childhood if your child can laugh at you being powerless.

Note: no tickling! Tickling can make children feel powerless and out of control, even as they laugh. Tickling laughter doesn’t result in the same ‘release’ as funny laughter. If your child asks for tickling, tickle them a few inches away from their bodies without toughing. Even funnier!

Follow your child’s laughter!

Make your child into a pizza! (or their favourite food) To see a video of me making my daughter into a pizza, check it out in my Facebook group: Peaceful Parenting With Sarah Rosensweet

We had an absolute hoot trying to get the kids to get past me. It’s a de-stressor for parents as well as kids. We’ve just started doing a five min-ute rough housing the minute we get back home (when I still have some energy) and the difference is made has been amazing. It’s shifted every-one’s mood, helped us connect and often inspired the children to carry on something together. Our favourites have been mummy hugs where they have to try and escape the mummy hug, mummy drop where I drop them on to something soft and rides on my back where I juggle around and try to drop them on to carefully placed cushions.

We played bucking broncos today where my kids rode on my back and I had to “buck” them off. It was certainly a good workout (for me) and they loved it. Lots of laughter all round.

Today we played a game my 4 year old called “bury”. He wanted to bury me in pillows and blankets. After I was all covered, he wanted to be the one buried. Every time he poked a hand or foot out, I would say “oh, no! We need more!” and add more things. After he was done he buried his brother and his dad. I think he liked being in control and having some power.

We have a giant stuffed bear (like 5’) And I sit holding this bear and they

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crash into me - This is the rough housing i do when I’m tired or don’t feel good.

We also play a game where they try to get past me but they only beat me if they both get to the couch so it forces then to work together. I’m also over the top outrageous in how there is no way they can get past me. I also pretend they are lumpy pillows and lay on top of them, constantly ‘ad-justing’ then and wondering out loud why they are so uncomfortable.

My youngest likes to run at me and then I swing her around, ending with a hug. She doesn’t like chase games like my oldest but they both like the ‘but I love you so much’ where I chase them around because I need one more hug or kiss.

My kids wrestle with Dad on our king size mattress when I change the sheets. They put a clean pair of underwear on their heads as a wrestling helmet (which is funny but also a good way to ensure that all participants are game for wrestling - you can’t wrestle if you don’t have a helmet on) and then they go at it. Usually ends with a big cuddle pile. And then I have to remake the bed.

My girls love to try to push me off the bed “Queen of the Bed” and then they become Queen. They also like it when I pretend to chop them like a tree and gently push them backward onto my bed. They love anything to do with pillows, kiss attacks and silly hugs.

My son has never been physical in nature (only when he has big emotion, but who doesn’t?) so we just got into a pillow fight and that brought him lots of release and sweat. I let him hit them every now and then, I sneaked the “TKO move” where I fell before he even took a swing on me. That got him to giggle a lot with surprise!

Apart from that, he loves to be made into sushi, sandwich, pizza, or turned into a pile of compost (with pillows, blankets, etc). We don’t like tickle but we do a variation of “threatening to tickle” (i.e. just that sense of anticipa-tion of fear and the release). E.g. “Here goes Mr. Pinchyhand!!!” “No, no!!” then son can either hit Mr. Pinchyhand with pillow or run & giggle but I’m

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not actually pinching him.

One time when my six year old was complaining about something and I was feeling frustrated, I broke the tension by picking him up like a baby and spun him in a circle. He loved it and asks me to do it all the time. He asks me to do it again all the time. I think especially when he is out of sorts. Also, we have a walk in closet along a whole wall of the bedroom with doors at both ends and the kids love to be chased around the this oval. When I’m not as energetic I just stand in one place and they try to get by me as they run the circle. If they get caught I pick them up (the older is 9 so only a few inches) and squeeze them before letting them go.

One game I read about and have enjoyed with my kids, is trying to be first one to take off the other person’s socks. Its very funny! I hang her upside down, chase her, attack with kisses.

One of my kids’ favorites is when I hang them over my back and look around the house for them (with lots of up/down and swinging movement ), then find them as I flop them on the couch.

I started doing this “squeeeeeze” that they love - they lay flat like a board and I like right of top of them (gently), making all sorts of squeeze nois-es. It’s so simple but they love it! We also do something similar where I pretend I can’t find them and pretend to call their teachers etc and they loveeeeee it.

We do hug monster. I lie down or sit in a chair and she sits/lies down on me. I wrap my arms around her in a bear hug and she tries to get away.

This reminds me of what my Dad calls “maximum cuddles” which I do sometimes, and some of my kids’ friends even like it! You wrap your arms around them and keep adjusting as if you’re trying to wrap your arms fur-ther and further round them one arm at a time then when you get rid of all the gaps between you sort of wiggle them.

Also, another one I learned from my Dad was hugging and then when the other person speaks you squeeze them tighter and it makes them sound

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funny. Every time they try to speak you squeeze!

Yep this one too, although I often will be on all 4s with my son underneath trying to wriggle out... He loves it and always tells me that he is great at that game. Fab for self esteem.

We chase! I chase him, then he chases me, maybe we gang up on his dad.

My dad used to hold us like a baby and say “oh my sweet little baby. I would never drop you. No never! I’d never drop you.” And then of course he would let us drop a few inches down before catching us again in his arms. My sister and I LOVED it. I did it with my kids too :). Big laughs. Just the right amount of scary and a laughter release!!

I turn on music and move my kids arms like they are puppets and make them flap around in a silly dance.

I do a lot of chasing and a lot of running away from my daughter (4.5) and silly-screaming like she’s a scary monster. She goes wild for it! I wish that I had heard about the benefits of roughhousing and humour earlier, as I only started using them as parenting strategies in the last six months or so. I’ve seen huge positive impacts. It’s often a great way to break us out of a power struggle.

My son just LOVES ‘kissy monster’ where I chase him round trying to catch him and kiss him and won’t let him go.

I have them sit in my lap on the floor with our legs out then I control their arms and legs doing lots of funny things. They love it when I mess up and hit myself gently with their hand etc...Loads of giggling.

My husband got these big foam blocks from his work (they are taller than the kids), and we set them up and then they knock them down by kicking or punching them, then we set them up again, and so on.

We love “hug attack” in a long hallway where they come charging at you for a big hug and knock you over.

We also play, “no, you can’t go, I need to hug you more!” And especially big

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brother loves being adored and “wanted” so he eats it right up, trying to escape my hugs

We also play “kung fu training” and “super socks”, Both of these the kid is on the bed and we shout moves at them, like “sunset flip”, or “roundhouse” and he does the moves on his giant teddy bear. Or we throw rolled up socks and he jumps, ducks, kicks or punches them away.

Thought of another good one - I lie with one of my kids on top of me and with my arms around them we roll across the bed from one side to the other. I use my elbows to hold my weight and I go over the top so I don’t squash them. Sometimes we sing “there were 5 in the bed and the little one said....roll over, roll over”. My kids love it!

Enjoy! Let me know how it goes.Add your own ideas to this post in the group here.