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An Essay for PractitionersSolution Focused Strategic Parenting of Challenging Teens:

A Class for ParentsTracy Todd*

This parenting class combines concepts and interventions associated with solution focused and strategic family therapy. The classcontinues to evolve after two years of delivery. The original goal was to combine didactic and group processes to assist parents inreducing escalations and crises, decrease the ‘‘fix my kid’’ attitude, and create prevention strategies. The target population for thisclass was parents of high-risk teenagers. Class participants have expanded to include all types of families and parenting situations.Parents report finding the class content very useful. Surprisingly, many parents report little exposure to this content from other parentingclasses they have attended.

*Tracy Todd, Ph.D., LMFT, is President of the Brief Therapy Institute of Denver, Inc.,affiliate faculty at the University of Colorado at Denver, and a clinical member of theAmerican Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Tracy has presented this materialto professionals throughout the United States so that others can offer a similar class. His e-mail address is: DrBrief@btid.com

(Family Relations, 2000, 49, 165–168)

The ‘‘Solution Focused Strategic Parenting for ChallengingTeens’’ was created in response to common themes ob-served by family therapists within our agency working

with families involving high-risk adolescents. Some of thesecharacteristics include hopelessness, easily escalative families,parents with a ‘‘get a bigger hammer’’ mentality, and the con-tinued use of ineffective parenting strategies out of desperation(e.g. grounding, Tough Love strategies). The targeted populationinvolved families with teenagers engaged in behaviors consid-ered high risk: drug and alcohol abuse, violence, gang involve-ment, suicidal and homicidal situations. As an adjunct to familytherapy, the class provides additional psychoeducation and sup-port.

We created this class to achieve three specific goals whenworking with highly escalative families. First, our agency wantedto ‘‘stop the bleeding.’’ Characteristic of these families is theinappropriate use of a therapist’s pager, parents wanting morethan one session per week or requesting very long sessions. Try-ing to convince these parents that their requests may be inap-propriate can create alienation because they are not receiving theattention they feel is needed. The class quickly gives them ad-ditional support as well as some interventions to try at home.The second goal was to decrease the ‘‘fix my kid’’ mentality thatmany parents hold. Parents who have challenging teens typicallyalso have a long standing history of legal involvement, schoolproblems, drug and alcohol issues, or assault (verbal or physical)in the home. These parents seem to have a very difficult timeunderstanding how their role in problematic behavior can esca-late or decrease a crisis. The final goal of the class was deliveringprevention strategies. Over time, parents have started using in-formation to help them prevent negative occurrences in the fam-ily. While some material may not be suitable for their preteenchildren, parents appreciate having ideas to try with their youn-ger children.

Class Components

Population

The population attending this class is varied. The socioeco-nomic range is very affluent to very poor. Intelligence and levelof functioning ranges from high to low. Parental constellationhas included stepparents, single parent households, gay couples,and both biological parents.

Class designThe material presented in the class is continuously evolving

depending upon societal occurrences. When there was a violenceoutbreak within a school, we added material to help parents as-sess the level of violence within their adolescent. The entire classconsists of four modules. Two modules are presented per month,each module is 90 minutes. The module includes 45 minutes ofdidactic information and another 45 minutes of group discussion.Parents can start the class with any module. They need to attendall four modules consecutively in order to complete the class.

Modules and Module Content

Throughout the modules we try to maintain some commonthemes. These themes include: unpredictable response patterns,having a strategy for parenting, delaying responses, modeling/shaping, noting non-problem time, and creating a positive ‘‘sev-en-year’’ relationship.

Parents commonly make statements such as ‘‘My son sureknows how to push my buttons,’’ or ‘‘That daughter of mine isso manipulative.’’ In each module we emphasize that parents areoften frustrated and angered because their child is better thanthey are at manipulating a situation. Parents typically have oneresponse pattern for a wide variety of behaviors from their teen-ager. We emphasize that being predictable is the equivalent ofshowing your hand in a poker game. The emphasis is on becom-ing less predictable. In order to be less predictable, parents needto develop a strategy about how they are going to respond to anegative event. The emphasis is on developing a non-emotionalresponse so the situation is less likely to escalate. By delayingtheir responses they may develop a more effective response pat-tern. This combination of developing a plan and responding ina nonescalative manner is very good role modeling for their teen-ager.

Shaping is a very important concept to introduce becausemany parents want instant change and improvement. When im-mediate change does not occur, they often drop out of treatment

166 Family Relations

or seek services elsewhere. Through shaping and emphasizingnon-problem time, parents reduce their focus on what’s wrongwith their family/teen and they begin to increase their focus ofstrengths and resiliency.

Finally, the ‘‘seven-year rule’’ is our effort to help maintainpositive family relations. Parents often lose perspective of neg-ative behaviors. Many teenagers report that their parents, ‘‘tweakout’’ on them. If a teenager learns that every issue results in aparent ‘‘tweaking out’’ then they are less likely to discuss orseek guidance from this parent. We emphasize that by havingmore calm responses, parents can create a relationship involvinga higher potential of their teenager seeking guidance in the future(within the next seven years). However, if they ‘‘tweak out’’ withevery negative event, then their teenager may not seek theirguidance regarding issues that become more critical with age.

Adaptability and Cohesion ModuleThis module emphasizes the concepts and response strate-

gies of high-risk behaviors, stop and listen techniques, letting goof power parenting, adaptability and cohesion, and family resil-ience.

High-risk behaviors. Didactic information highlights essen-tial assessment components of high-risk behaviors including sui-cide, homicide, and drug and alcohol use. Parents are encouragedto stop all discussions if their teenager discloses a high-riskthought and alter the direction of the conversation toward high-risk assessment. Many parents report difficulty with this processas they see the ‘‘high-risk talk’’ as another form of manipulationby their teenager. Our intent is to help them demonstrate careand rule out the seriousness of the thoughts. All parents are en-couraged to call a therapist if their teenager indicates any idea-tions about high-risk thoughts or activities. Clinically, these dis-cussions help parents see the relativeness of their own teenager’ssituation or drug and alcohol use.

Stop and listen. Nearly every parent listens for inconsisten-cies in their teenager’s story so they can catch their child lying.We point out to parents that the more lies they catch by theirteenager, the more they are teaching their teenager to lie better.Rather, we instruct parents to listen for strengths in their teena-ger’s story and areas they can compliment. Many parents needto be coached on this skill because they are entrenched in lis-tening for lies, inconsistencies, and issues warranting a verboseand escalative lecture. When parents do achieve this skill, theirfeedback to the group is very powerful and influential. Theymention things like, ‘‘That’s the first good talk we have had ina long time.’’

Letting go of ‘‘power parenting.’’ Too many parents contin-ue to have the mindset that they can ‘‘parent with power’’ asthey did when their children were younger. However, now thattheir teenager is smarter and physically bigger, ‘‘power parent-ing’’ will be less effective. The emphasis of the class is ‘‘par-enting with finesse.’’ Essentially, be smarter than your teenager.Parents seem to create their own escalative version of ToughLove strategies and then wonder what to do when all strategieshave failed. Using many strategic family therapy ideas (primarilysecond order change strategies), we help parents brainstorm in-terventions and responses that are unpredictable and break thetypical interactional patterns (de Shazar, 1985; Durrant, 1995;Haley, 1976).

Adaptability and cohesion. A diagram of Olson’s (1986) two

axis Circumplex Model is given to all parents. One axis repre-sents the continuum of cohesion and the other axis is the con-tinuum of adaptability. Giving clinical examples involving theextreme of each quadrant (i.e. very low cohesion and very lowadaptability) allows parents to do an informal assessment of theirfamily. Parents respond very positively to this information andthey discuss areas to improve. Parents benefit by considering ifthey want to emphasize adaptation, cohesion or both. Despite theclass emphasizing parenting with finesse, parents continue towant to parent with power. Using the adaptability-cohesion axissystem, a class leader can ask, ‘‘What cost and benefit would apower intervention have on adaptability and cohesion?’’ Thistype of question helps parents more thoroughly assess the par-enting strategy under consideration.

Family resilience. For families entering the class with anoverwhelming sense of hopelessness, information on resilienceis extremely useful. We give educational material on individualand family resilience to help improve long-term hope for theirteenager. Parents experiencing extreme hopelessness about theirteenager’s behavior are encouraged to choose two or three resil-ient qualities and then further develop these qualities. This ex-ercise is a fulfilling experience for parents as they begin to havemore hope about the family and their child.

Consequences and Reinforcement ModuleThe emphasis of this module includes learned hopelessness,

emphasizing positives, logical and natural consequences, and un-expected acknowledgements.

Learned hopelessness. Parents find it difficult to identifycontexts where their teenager gets ample positive strokes. Theyare quick to point out that their child is in trouble at home,school and with the legal system. We pose the question, ‘‘Sinceyour child is in so much trouble and continuously receiving neg-ative messages, do they have any reason to attempt positive be-havior?’’ Nearly all parents are able to empathize with their teen-ager’s predicament. They begin to understand why their childgives minimum effort to improve the situation. The class em-phasizes that the outcome of learned hopelessness is a ‘‘Whytry?’’ attitude. We encourage parents to create an environmentthat notices small gains that may increase motivation.

Emphasizing positives. Asking parents to emphasize theirteenager’s strengths and resiliency’s can help diminish thelearned hopelessness. We ask parents to give an estimate of howmany positive statements are made in relation to negative state-ments. Most parents humorously report 100 negative statementsto one positive statement (if they have been able to make apositive statement). Parents are encouraged to maintain a 4:1ratio of positive to negative statements. Parents are encouragedto be creative in acknowledging positive behaviors and we sug-gest they look closely for positives that can quickly change afamily ‘‘tone.’’

Logical and natural consequences. Cline and Fay’s (1993)information on the difference between logical and natural con-sequences is helpful. Logical consequences are those that aretypically created by parents. For example, ‘‘If you don’t get C’sor better in school you will lose telephone privileges.’’ Whereas,natural consequences are those that occur from other systems.For example, ‘‘Not passing all your classes will result in needingto repeat your grade level.’’ Parents tend to create ineffectivelogical consequences so that natural consequences will not occur.

2000, Vol. 49, No. 2 167

For example, if parents cannot stop a child from leaving thehouse when grounded, the consequence is an ineffective strategy.The ‘‘grounding’’ and other escalative attempts to stop the exitare ineffective logical consequences that compromise adaptabil-ity, cohesion, and the seven-year rule. Parents are quick to ac-knowledge that they continue these ineffective strategies so theyfeel like they are ‘‘doing something’’ and because they fear thenatural consequence (e.g. breaking the law, drugs). In class, wehave them identify circumstances where they should allow nat-ural consequences to occur instead of creating ineffective logicalconsequences.

Unexpected acknowledgements. In over ten years of workingwith families, I have yet to experience one family successfullyimplementing a behavioral contract and following through withit. It seems teenagers continuously find loopholes in contractsand parents do not follow through. Instead of creating behavioralcontracts, we have parents create a ‘‘surprise bag’’ of positivereinforcements for their teenager, keeping the monetary type ofreinforcements to a minimum. We instruct them to create cou-pons for such activities as extra telephone time, longer curfew,having a friend sleep over, or making a favorite meal. Theyshould place the ‘‘surprise bag’’ in a secret place. When theyobserve neutral to positive behaviors, they should consider giv-ing their teenager something from the ‘‘surprise bag.’’ We offerthem the following guidelines. One, don’t become predictableabout what behaviors receive reinforcement. The same positivebehavior may not elicit reinforcement each time. Two, do notenter negotiation with the teenager. For example, if your teenagerasks to receive the reinforcement after each demonstration of thebehavior, parents are encouraged to simply state, ‘‘Possibly.’’Three, give reinforcement at varying time intervals. Parents re-port that if they pay attention to what is currently motivatingtheir teenager they can capitalize by giving it as unexpected re-inforcement. This intervention alters what parents are lookingfor (good behavior vs. bad behavior) and quickly produces amore productive and fun family climate.

Biopsychosocial ModuleAdmittedly, this module involves the most complicated in-

formation. However, participants have made very positive com-ments about the information. Those who may be considered‘‘low functioning’’ have commented that they appreciate a classwhere they are not ‘‘talked down to.’’

Parents of challenging teenagers ask, ‘‘Why does my childdo these bad things?’’ or they make statements resembling,‘‘When I was a kid we didn’t do that.’’ This module is designedto help parents better understand the complicating variables theirchild is experiencing and that we cannot compare teens of todaywith our own teenage years.

Biological. One of the first tasks we ask parents to do iscompare their high school yearbook, or that of their parents, withtheir teenager’s. Specifically, asking them to compare the boysand girls basketball teams. The first item mentioned is how muchbigger kids are today. Pointing out to them that kids are physi-cally maturing at a quicker pace also leads to our teens feelingmore mature and independent at an earlier age. Many parentsare quick to mention they have seen many teenagers that look20 years old but are only 14 years old.

Psychological. Presenting the psychological component as‘‘coping with information’’ keeps this component understand-

able. Asking parents how often, and what type of traumaticevents they had to cope with as teenagers, is a great place tostart the discussion. Many parents identify a family member go-ing to war, hearing about riots, drug abuse/addiction. Parents areable to acknowledge they had fewer events during adolescenceas compared to the near daily severe stress events teenagers mustcope with today (e.g. guns in schools, drive by shootings, gangs).This psychological process for today’s teenager further enhancesthe sense of independence and immortality.

Social. While the psychological component emphasizes cop-ing skills with information and situations, the sociological com-ponent emphasizes the environment. Few parents have person-ally experienced a drive by shooting, extreme danger at school,watching a classmate shot, stabbed or raped at a party. Theseenvironments, while scary, crystalize the ‘‘I can take care ofmyself attitude’’ often demonstrated by teenagers.

Formal operations. Using Piaget’s (Bybee & Sund, 1993)theory of cognitive development has proved to be an effectivemethod of describing to parents why it looks like their teenager‘‘just doesn’t think.’’ Presenting formal operations as reasoningand problem solving abilities creates an understandable forumfor class discussion. As a class we discuss the following logic:

1. Most teenagers appear physically more mature than priorgenerations.

2. They are bombarded by information that is typically neg-ative and violent.

3. They must survive environments that are more dangerousthan other generations experienced.

4. Yet, their ability to reason, problem solve and fully con-sider consequences of their actions is not yet developed.

5. Therefore, my expectations may be too high and I needto stop lecturing because it may be ineffective, and start guidingand talking with them.

As parents grasp how the lack of reasoning skills can com-promise their teenagers’ comprehension of their ‘‘lectures,’’ theybecome more open to guiding rather than instructing their teen-ager. The goal of describing formal operations is to have parentsmove out of the blaming mentality and move into guiding theirteenager.

It is critical to emphasize this change in parental attitudeand response patterns. As parents achieve this understanding (wehave found no difference between those considered high func-tioning or highly intellectual with low functioning or modestintellectual abilities), they better understand why ‘‘talking at’’their teenager has been ineffective. In addition, by ‘‘talkingwith’’ their teenager they will provide better opportunities forthe development of formal operations and guidance. ‘‘Talkingwith’’ also gives parents the occasion to develop the ‘‘seven-yearrule.’’

Conflict Management ModuleThis module has two points of emphasis, communication

skills and understanding a teenager’s perspective about change.Information about communication skills specifically addressesconflict management skills.

Conflict management. Primary to this module is the conceptof modeling. We challenge the parents by stating that if they havehandled conflict through aggressive and intimidating means withtheir teenagers, there will come a time their teenager will use thesame style. Most parents have acknowledged that they didn’t wor-

168 Family Relations

ry about this issue when the teenager was a child, but with theteenager physically bigger and more intimidating, they regret thistype of parenting. Basic conflict management skills are presentedand role-played. Such concepts include problem identification, us-ing action words not labels, and using ‘‘I’’ statements. We alsoemphasize listening for strengths despite having conflict, compli-menting to diffuse tension, and taking time to consider options(not making immediate consequences that may be ineffective).

The second area of focus is understanding what motivatesteenagers. Miller and Rollnick (1991) address the importance ofacknowledging the costs and benefits associated with changingand not changing behaviors. We use a four squares concept fordetermining what drives misbehavior and subsequently, the con-flict that ensues between parents and teens. We strongly suggestthat parents complete this exercise prior to engaging in ANYconversation with their child that could erupt in conflict.

We use curfew as example behavior for which parents needto assess motivational factors. Assuming a teenager has consis-tently broken curfew and logical consequences have been inef-fective, we complete the following exercise. We ask parents tolist the costs and rewards associated with a teenager complyingor not complying with curfew. This is a typical response fromparents when completing this table.

Cost Reward

Change Decreased peer statusMight miss somethingI’m still a kidMy parents win

Parents are happyReduced potential for

legal involvementGain of privilegesMore time with familyPossibly better gradesNot exposed to danger

Not Change Increased potential forlegal involvement

No privilegesParents are unhappyI’m safeContinued exposure tonegative peers

I winI’m still coolAutonomy

As you can see, parents typically complete the four squaresfrom their perspective and the cells of Change-Reward and NotChange-Cost always have more answers. We then ask the parentsto do this exercise again but from a teenager’s perspective.

Cost Reward

Change Decreased peer statusMight miss somethingI feel like a kidMy parents winBe bored at homeMight have to do home-

work

Parents are happyPossibly better grades

Not Change Parents are unhappyContinued exposure tonegative peers

I winI’m still cool with friendsAutonomyNot with my familyI’m with those who

understand meExcitement

Quickly, parents discover why gaining cooperation on ex-pected behaviors is difficult. Even qualities that parents list asdangerous or negative (e.g. reduced potential for legal involve-ment, not exposed to danger) are now viewed as rewarding. Forissues creating conflict, we encourage parents to complete thefour squares from their teenager’s perspective. When completed,they should strategize how to overcome costs and rewards as-sociated with changing or not changing. This task helps manyparents decrease the conflict within the home and better prioritizewhat issues they want to challenge.

Summary

‘‘Solution Focused Strategic Parenting’’ is a class for thoseparents with escalative teenagers and family situations. Althoughthere are many educational components to this class, the em-phasis is always on solution focused (O’Hanlon & Weiner-Davis,1989) and strategic therapy concepts. Many of the parents at-tending this class have gone through parenting classes but theycomment that the emphasis on such things as creating non-prob-lem time, finding exceptions to bad behaviors, complimentingprofusely, being unpredictable, and having strategies is refresh-ing. Too many parents interpret strategies such as consequencingas ‘‘get a bigger hammer’’ which leads them to create familyescalation problems. The subtle change of focus with this classhas reduced the risk of escalation.

Given that our agency is a provider of services for high-riskfamilies, this class has achieved the original goal of crisis sta-bilization (i.e., we receive fewer crisis calls). A secondary gainhas been that it supplements family therapy, provided the familytherapist is versed in the solution focused and strategic styles.Finally, the class is generating many referrals from previous par-ticipants for parents of pre-teens. Although some informationmay not yet always be pertinent, these parents are finding theinformation extremely useful and refreshing.

ReferencesBybee, R., & Sund, R. (1990). Piaget for educators. Waveland Press: Prospect

Heights, Illinois.Cline, F., & Fay, J. (1993). Parenting Teens With Love & Logic: Preparing

Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood. Navpress: Colorado Springs.de Shazer, S. (1985). Keys to solution in brief therapy. New York: W. W. Norton.Durrant, M. (1995). Creative strategies for school problems: Solutions for teach-

ers and psychologists. New York: W. W. Norton.Haley, J. (1976). Problem solving therapy. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.Miller, W., & Rollnick, S. (1991). Motivational interviewing: Preparing people

to change addictive behaviors. New York: Guilford.O’Hanlon, W. H., & Weiner-Davis, M. (1989). In search of solutions: A new

direction in psychotherapy. New York: W. W. Norton.Olson, D (1986). Circumplex Model VII: Validation studies and FACES III.

Family Process, 26, 337–351.

Suggested Reading for ParentsCline, F., & Fay, J. (1993). Parenting Teens With Love & Logic: Preparing

Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood. Navpress: Colorado Springs.Metcalf, L. (1996). Parenting Toward Solutions: How Parents Can Use Skills

They Already Have to Raise Responsible, Loving Kids. Prentice Hall: NewJersey.

Suggested Web Sites for ParentsProject Resilience: http://www.projectresilience.com/Resiliency in Action: http://www.resiliency.com/RISK and Resiliency Factors: http://www.tyc.state.tx.us/

prevention/riskand.html