Slow-Mo Hero-&-Trust in the Heart of the Cards, Or They Will Make Your Girlfreind Hate You

8/8/2019 Slow-Mo Hero-&-Trust in the Heart of the Cards, Or They Will Make Your Girlfreind Hate You

1/12

Slow-mo Hero&

Trust in the heart of the cards, or they will make yourgirlfreind hate you

By

Jacob L. Hoefer

Lost Salamander Productions.LTD. (2009)


2/12

EXT. CITY STREET- DAY

We find ourselves staring down the barrel of a mega phone. Aloud voice describes the situation as we slowly pan back toreveal the police officer using the voice amplifier.

LEAD COP(through the mega phone)"Before we can meet your demands weneed your word that you will notharm the hostages!"

INT. BANK?

Inside the "bank" we see a man dressed in a black jacket andblue jeans, as well as the classic black ski mask. He ishiding behind a wall peaking out at what we assume to be thepolice. Crouching next to him with her hands over her head

is a hostage. She is mid panic and whimpering softly. Thevillain shouts back threateningly.

SKORPIO VON ZAROFF"You think Im messing with youpigs!?! I see one cop, JUST ONE!And Ill blow a hole througheveryone here!"

He makes a threatening motion toward the girl curled up nextto him and she lets out a yelp. We head back outside to getthe police reaction.

EXT. CITY STREET- DAY

The head cop has put down his mega phone. He looks veryuneasy. His deputy comes to his aide.

DEPUTY MAN"This isnt good Charlie, hesgoing to start shooting soon."

LEAD COP"Dont worry I just got of thephone with the FBI, theyre sendingtheir top man."

DEPUTY MAN"Well hed better get here soon.This could get ugly fast."

(CONTINUED)


3/12

CONTINUED: 2.

LEAD COP"Calm down deputy..."

The cop points off screen and smiles.

LEAD COP

"I think thats him now."

They both look over at something in the distance. Whateverthey see it must be reassuring as they exchange looks thatsay "Oh yeah this guy must be good." We look over as welland see the most manly looking dude ever to wear a thinblack tie. Sporting black aviators and a face that can openchastity belts with a wink and a smile. He is walking slowmotion towards us. We love the sight, taking it in fromevery angle. Low, high, to the side, we cant get enough ofthis very slow walking, but ever so handsome hunk of manmeat. We begin to cut between shots of this magnificent manand the reactions of both the police and the villain. The

police are kind of in this awe/confusion trance while thevillain looks terrified and confused. Finally we cut to awide shot that reveals that the slow walking man is justthat, a slow walking dude and when he does reach the policethey are speechless. He breaks character and addresses thesituation in a commanding and calm voice.

SLOW-MO HERO"Gentlemen what seem to be theproblem?"

LEAD COP(after a long pause and a

glance at his deputy)"Ummm well the perps name isSkorpio von Zaroff, hes a-"

The same rock music that was playing before kicks in again,but this time at a much worse sound quality. The policemenlook around for the source of the sound. Slow mo guy thendisplays the boom box hes been holding and promptly pressesthe pause button.

SLOW-MO HERO"Sorry, I heard the guys name Ithought it could have used more badass."

The cops stare at each other then back at "inspectorgadget".

LEAD COP"Riiigggghhhhttt...Anyway hestaken at least one hostage, uh

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


4/12

CONTINUED: 3.

LEAD COP (contd)female, named Sharron Wilks, weveset up a phone link with him but Ihave to say if we dont calm himdown now he could start shooting."

SLOW-MO HERO"Right, good thing Im the best. owget me line into that building, Imgoing to clean up your mess."

INT. BANK?

Inside the bank Skorpio is not happy. He jumps when he hearsthe phone ring. He looks at the tiny cell and then peaksoutside. Reluctantly he opens it.

SCORPIO VON ZAROFF

(In a panicked tone)"Hello?"

After he speaks the simple greeting a loud static filledblast of rock music pours through the phone. Skorpio almostdrops the phone but decides to hold it inches form his ear.

EXT. CITY STREET

Slowly zoom out of the boom box which is cranked up andbeing held up to the phone. Super cop is holding both thephone and the boom box looking incredibly confident. The

other two police officers are standing back looking reallyconfused. Finally Slow mo guy shuts off the music and beingsnegotiating.

SLOW-MO HERO"Alright listen here Skorpio, ifthat is your real name, Im goingto give you three seconds to comeout there with the Sharron chickunharmed or I will come in thereand get you myself!"

INT. BANK?

Skorpio looks at the phone in confusion then back outside.He shouts back into the phone.

SCORPIO VON ZAROFF"WHAT!? Is this that dude that waswalking slow motion just now?!

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


5/12

CONTINUED: 4.

SCORPIO VON ZAROFF (contd)Cause you try any more of that shitand I will kill her! I mean it I-"

He is interrupted by super cops response. Which we hear formover the phone.

SLOW-MO HERO"One..."

SCORPIO VON ZAROFF(peeking out the window)

"There is no way you are a cop! Iwant to talk to the other guys!"

EXT. CITY STREET

Slow-mo is still determined to end this peacefully.

SLOW-MO HERO"Two..."

INT. BANK?

Mr. Zaroff is in enraged confused state of mind.

SCORPIO VON ZAROFF"Really?! I will kill her! I have agun! You see the gun?!"

Skorpio waves the gun out the window. Dirty Harry is notdeterred.

EXT. CITY STREET

Hes getting louder and a little angrier.

SLOW-MO HERO"Two and a half..."

INT. BANK?

Skorpio is now shoving the gun in the hostages face.

SCORPIO VON ZAROFF"God dammit! One step forward and Iwaste this chick!"


6/12

5.

EXT. CITY STREET

The two cops are about to snatch the phone away form the"expert" when super cop shuts the phone and exclaims:

SLOW-MO HERO"Hes not listing to reason. Thats

it Im going in."

He promptly pulls out his gun, hits play, and strides out offrame. The deputy is holding his head in his hands while theman in charge folds his arms across his chest and just looksangry. We watch as he strides across the parking lot in slowmotion of course. Skorpio meanwhile comes out of thebuilding dragging his hostage behind him holding the gun toher head, and shouting:

SCORPIO VON ZAROFF"Do you not see the gun Im hold-"

He stops when he sees that his advisory is walking slowmotion toward him and also he appears to be armed with aboom box and a very tiny gun. We watch in anticipation as,in slow motion, starts to point his gun at Skorpio and looksso very determined to shot him. He strides slowly forwardaiming still. Skorpio decides to not put up with this.

SCORPIO VON ZAROFF"Screw this."

BANG! Slow mo hero falls to the ground, not in slow motion.He then pushes Sharron away, and runs off. Thankfully no onewas killed. Slow-mo is writhing on the ground grasping hisshoulder. Sharron is in tears. The boom box has stopped asit hit the ground hard enough to break it.

SLOW-MO HERO"Oh, oh god he got me! Quick I havea tape for this! its its just,gah! The other side. Just flip itover."

CUT TO: BLACK.

INT. GYPSYS HOME

We pan across a cluttered table draped in a gross purplecloth. On one side sits a girl looking kind of worried herboyfriend is standing behind her with his hand on hershoulder. Across form her sits and elderly woman lookinglike every gypsy from every horror flick all rolled in toone big smelly stereotype. there are a few tarot cards laidout on the table in a classic Celtic cross spread.

(CONTINUED)


7/12

CONTINUED: 6.

GYPSY WOMAN(laying "the tower" in the 6thposition)

"Oh my, de tower...Dis is notgood..."

DANNA

"Wha-oh no, what does it mean?"

GYPSY WOMAN(taking a moment to look atthe boyfriend with a raisedeyebrow)

"Vell I have no good vay to tellyou dis but..."

She looks at the boyfriend again. He returns her creepy gazewith his own confused look.

GYPSY WOMAN

"I belive Derick here vill cheat onyou."

DERICK"Wait-what!?"

The girl looks at Derick very enraged.

DANNA"DERICK! How could you!"

DERICK"Wha-no! No! This is ridiculoushow-?"

DANNA(standing up in frustration)

"Whats her name Derick! Is sheprettier then me?! Is that it!?"

The gypsy woman calmly answers her.

GYPSY WOMAN"Her name vill be Sharron...YesSharron Vilks...and ya she vill be

much prettier dan you."

DANNA"God I can not belive this! Itrusted you!"

Danna starts breaking down in tears. Derick tires to comforther but deiced s to sit down at the table himself and demandthat this lady fix this.

(CONTINUED)


8/12

CONTINUED: 7.

DERICK(Whispering)

"Look lady I did not pay you 50$ soyou could screw up my happiness owyou fix this!"

GYPSY WOMAN"Fine. You vant reading too? I giveyou reading tell you vat happensmit you und Sharron."

DERICK"Yes, alright, perfect. Let yourlittle card thingies tell mygirlfriend how faithful I am."

The gypsy picks up the cards and shuffles them back into thedeck. She then begins to lay out a new cross. We observe theseven of cups first to be laid down.

GYPSY WOMAN"Ah yes, here ve go. So in twomonths from now you meet Sharron,she is hot, you had fight mitDanna. That night you make sex vithher."

DANNA"I hate you Derick!"

DERICK"Calm down sweetie, and remember

NONE of this has happened yet."

GYPSY WOMAN"Vait der is more, yes de cardtells me next morning you admit sexmaking vas a mistake. You try andbreak it off, but Sharron ohh myshe does not like it, she stealsyour credit card, getsinformation-"

DERICK"Wait, you got all that from onecard?"

GYPSY WOMAN"Is very good card, tells me much,now ven Sharron goes to bank tosteal money from accounts somethingvery interesting happens-"

(CONTINUED)


9/12

CONTINUED: 8.

DERICK"Alright you can stop now. See babyIll all be okay this lady isntreally some kind of psychic, shesjust some big fraud."

Danna begins to calm down and warm up to Derick but thegypsy woman is not amused.

GYPSY WOMAN"VAT!? Ein fraud?! Vell mister Ivill prove it to you! You no vantto read future I vill read yourpast, sound fair?"

DERICK"Alright you old hack bring it.Tell me about my horriblechildhood."

Derick defiantly centers himself in the chair, a giant smirkacross his face. The gypsy woman causally pulls a chest outform under the table and unwraps another deck.

GYPSY WOMAN"I tink I have the right deck foryou"

Derick smirks.

DERICK"Alright you dumb fancy cards bring

it."

The gypsy begins to lay out the cards. First is The King ofswords, then the four of coins, and then in the third spaceon the cross we see her lay down a yellow reverse.

DERICK"Wait what is that? Is that an unocard?!"

GYPSY WOMAN"Is what the deck dealt. Now let mesee what dis has to say about yourpast."

A long silence sets over the room. Derick is leaning back inthe chair laughing. The gypsy woman studies the cards for awhile. After deciphering the spirits message she revealssome shocking information.

(CONTINUED)


10/12

CONTINUED: 9.

GYPSY WOMAN"Okay I tink I have it."

Derick leans forward and does the "bring it" hand gesture,because that guy loves the phrase "bring it" to much.

GYPSY WOMAN"You ver born October ninth 1988 toa single mother...Eight pounds treeounces...You ver eminently put upfor adoption-"

DERICK"Ha! I knew you were a hack! CauseIm not adopted!"

GYPSY WOMAN"Really? How sure of dat are you?Vhy dont you ask your "mother"

Mary Sliwinsky and your "father"Denise?"

DERICK"All youve proven is that you knowmy parents names thats all!"

GYPSY WOMAN"Yeah dat is what cards tell me, dealso tell me you ver adopted...Nowlets see vat de next one says..."

She flips up the next card putting in the number four spot,

its a second edition bulbasaur.

DERICK"Okay NOW youre messin with me!"

He stands up and is about to leave when the gypsy stops himin his tracks by reminding him of some very disturbingmemories.

GYPSY WOMAN"Leaving so soon? Vat vould your"uncle" Chester say?

Derick freezes at the sound of the name. He slowly turnsaround and sits back down.

DERICK(in a scared whisper)

"How-how did you know? Didbulbasaur tell you?"

(CONTINUED)


11/12

CONTINUED: 10.

GYPSY WOMAN"Bulbasaur tells me many tings, healso says that uncle Chester madeyou dress up in little girl clothesand then take them off again, veryslowly until your "mom" caught you

at your cousins graduationparty...You never saw him again..."

DERICK"...what...what else does bulbasaurtell you?"

GYPSY WOMAN"Noting much else, exceptvait...vat? Oh really? Tank youbulbasaur, I see you still hang onto that dress."

Danna who has been standing behind him looking scared thiswhole time decides to chime in.

DANNA"WHAT!? Derick is she going to saythat that dress is the SAME dressyou wanted me to squeeze into lastnight!?"

DERICK"Wha-no I mean...I-"

GYPSY WOMAN

"Ya dis boy is no good for you. Hehas many fetishes you you havenone."

DERICK"Hey whoa its not like that I meanyeah my uncle Chester used to dressme up like a girl but-"

DANNA"Derick not only did you cheat onme but you also tried to make medress up in little girl clothesthat yo also wore to do strip teasefor your 65 year old uncle!?"

DERICK"NO! Remember that actually hasnthappened yet...Although I might aswell seeing as how..."

(CONTINUED)


12/12

CONTINUED: 11.

He begins to trail off. Danna storms out. The gypsy womanleans back in her chair and begins to light a cigarette.Derick is starting to freak out and has just kinda startedshaking in the chair. The gypsy mumbles a confession.

GYPSY WOMAN

(dropping the accent)"Holy shit I cant belive Ibullshited that entire thing."

CUT TO: BLACK.

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Slow-Mo Hero-&-Trust in the Heart of the Cards, Or They Will Make Your Girlfreind Hate You