Sliding vs. Deciding

Jamie Knopf

Not Neutral

What we do in our love lives affects everything else in our lives.

“Our love is not neutral”--Marlene Peterson We live in a culture that likes us to believe in

the romance of falling in love instead of the reality of it.

The Reality

The divorce rate is at 3.4 per 1,000 total population. (CDC, 2009)

The marriage rate is at 6.8 per 1,000 total population. (CDC, 2009)

So half of our marriages are ending in divorce these days. Why?

There are many reasons for marriages to not work out, but one may be the lack of commitment and the decision to be committed to one person.

Commitment

What is commitment? “An agreement or pledge to do something in

the future; something pledged; the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled.” (Merriam-Webster)

When you make a commitment, you are choosing it over other things.

Our culture is anti-commitment.

Two sides of Commitment

Personal Dedication Having passion for something or someone:

“I want to” Restraint

Having to stick with something or something: “I have to”

(S.Stanley, 2011)

Why is commitment so hard now?

Too many options No clear definitions

It is easier to not have any definitions to the relationship, because then they won't get “hurt.”

Relationships aren't seen as a priority anymore

Divorce rate high and parents never getting married to one another are some examples of this happening.

(S.Stanley, 2011)

Cohabitation

Research from the University of Denver showed that there is a higher risk for those who live together before marriage:

Higher risk for divorce Lower level of marital satisfaction

Cohabitation creates inertia that makes it harder to break up.

(S.Stanley, 2011)

Stanley's Main Theory

Cohabitation creates an inertia in a relationship that makes it hard to break up.

Basically if a person is unhappy in their relationship, living together makes it harder to break up with that other person. These people end up in unhappy and unsatisfying marriages, because their commitment is based on restraint; the “have to.”

(S.Stanley, 2011)

Sliding vs Deciding

That is how Stanley came up with the Sliding vs Deciding idea.

Couples are sliding over the line into cohabitation.

Over 50% of couples asked in study by Manning & Smock couldn't answer why they decided to move in together.

(S.Stanley, 2011)

Transitioning too fast

The transition into cohabitating can happen way too fast, which is why sliding is the chosen term for it.

It's fun at first, but then we get to a point where we are saying, “Woah! How did I get here?”

We slide into something and commit to it before getting all the information first.

(S.Stanley, 2011)

What's the big deal?

We are losing options before we actually chose what we wanted.

Deciding matters most when we want something to stick or last.

It gives you a sense of ownership. “I chose you.”

Clear decisions anchor commitment and it is more likely that I will follow through.

(S.Stanley, 2011)

References CDC: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2009). Marriage

and Divorce. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm

Commitment. (n.d.). In Merriam-Webster Online. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/commitment

Stanley, S. (2011, May 3). Sliding vs. Deciding: How new “romantic” paradigms undermine success [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com/watch v=YUqfLSBUDmM

Stanley, S., Rhoades, G., Markman, H. (2006, October). Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect. Retrieved from http://ccutrona.public.iastate.edu/psych592a/articles/Sliding%20and%20cohabitation.pdf