GwacheonA hidden room

By Soyoon Lee

South Korea

A room hidden deep inside my heart

finally confess…

The direct background of such centrality of communication to me is the years in Gwacheon, where three generations lived together. In the year my grandparents built the house in the city, my parents got married and my elder brother was born. Whenever my family faced economic and psychological setbacks, the four of us –my parents, my brother, and me- returned to Gwacheon house where grandparents stayed. Six diverging voices sometimes collided with one another due to different dialogue styles and mindsets. Counting them all, we moved in and out of that house seven times. Invariably, the city is a space where the entire process from being hurt to overcoming it took place. The green, garden-like space of Gwacheon energized my family members in disparate ways. I myself am in the process of accepting the place as my home. In that process, I came to take up communication as my mantra, and there begins my story.

My story about the Gwacheon years begins with the word, ‘finally.’ It’s a confession from within my heart that I’ve dreamt of revealing one day, so that I can free myself. It’s the reason why I haven’t been able to confess it yet, unable to let it go, and why I am ‘finally’ confessing now.

Six letters to GwacheonThere were six voices

Working on my Gwacheon years, I asked the five other members of my family to write down their thoughts for me about that space, our old home in Gwacheon. The results didn’t match my own feelings toward Gwacheon, yet I could see that there were five histories of the Gwacheon years, told by five voices. What made those times be there, what those times signified, was ‘family.’ For me, to reflect on the space of my old Gwacheon home meant talking about my family. The story of my family and I, which I am finally about to confess.

Six letters to Gwacheon

Grandfather

I want to live my home in Kwacheon forever which is my peaceful place. I lived in Seoul and moved into a single-family house in Kwacheon thirty years ago. Whiling living here, I made my three kids graduate university and saw they were married. Now their kids, my grand children, have been grown up well and work as a member of society. I am happy in taking care of all my house ware and family ware. It’s worthwhile to do some gardening for grass and flowers in my garden. I am so glad that each flower is in full its blossom from spring that the garden becomes a flower garden. Neighbors like a lot these flower in my garden for they bloom from spring to fall. I live with delight weariless, trying to be healthy. And I work hard day by day. I love Kwacheon home.

Grandmother

Life is memory…Life is remembered…Bought a house in Kwacheon, and remodeled it. By the time I was so confident with me that everything might come true whatever I dream. For I like growing flower with my whole being

I ended up five years apartment living for I missed individual house which I could warm with controller. At that time apartment was controlled with central heating system that it was chilly, bleak, and gloomy even inside of home. And I missed an individual house which I can make it warm and bought one, remodeled it.

Fortunately it’s good climate and transportation that I decorated the house beautifully as much as I could. It’s done like this the second floor was carpeted with pink, curtain was light pink, roof was covered with stone tile, living room was with tiles from Italy and was fireplace.

By the time my son was so busy with bar exam, all of sudden he decided to get married that I was like to rush into marrying him, next year was YoungJoo married. Being on the go all the year, I got such a great news that my son passed the bar exam which was the dream of whole my life, and also that my daughter-in-law gave birth a boy, which was crown being a granny.

People never be prosper in everything, but it’s like that I was better off than worse since we’d moved into this house. I made Eunjoo who in heaven married. Most of all the house gave me my precious one, that is the very my grand children that I shall not want at all.

I like the house in peace. By the time when the architect needed to beat his brain for the materials were not good to use that he worked hard, burning wood to make wood grain and decorating them into stairs and veranda and so on. Youngjoo was in college and her idea was so helpful to remodel the house. And I was so passionate that I could be busy tireless. Not always people prosper in everything, but God blessed so much upon me.

Looking out of window, it’s seems that the autumn garden is whispering to me like this, chrysanthemum coloring its beauty in cold weather like its last day, persimmon tree holding hard its fruits almost dropping them. The fine tree looking over me asks me to look up him with silence. Fall is chilly and lonely. Does somebody say love is chilly too…? However all my family is good and Father God protects each hope of us that I thank to the Lord. Thanks are overflowing  Petunia flowers are in full bloom gone through long summer rainy season, as like it’s their season (petunia falls off in summer)Cheer up our twelve families in Kwacheon home.

Father

The reason is that I felt suffocating in living an apartment for five years from 1977 to 1982, why I moved in Kwacheon. For I lived over 3500 square ft individual house which has big garden from 5years old for 15 years and moved in an apartment for the first time, even though apartment living was convenient such as no need of house keeper and good accessibility to shopping mall, in couple of years I felt suffocating in it.

I was so glad that I bought the house in Kwacheon and remolded it like building up a new house. When I had to study one more year to enter university, I experienced in building a new house. Nevertheless I didn’t know much better about building a house at that time. Fortunately remodeling the house in Kwacheon one of family brother designed it, I could tell my opinion and feel fun with doing it little much. The interior was so nice comparing the times’ houses because of gorgeousness of Canadian wooden style, the warmness of light and red brick, the fire place, stylish tiled floor, and other interiors.

Year 1983 we moved in and, I married with my wife and lived in up-stairs. My wife seemed to be happy with the structure and interior of the house. My first born Kanghoon was born there and I passed bar exam at the same year. We were wonderfully happy with the good occasions. And the second Soyoon was born. I worried that she wasn’t pretty, but she was getting prettier day by day.

I graduated the Judicial Research and became a lawyer. Only then I put the idea to establish a welfare foundation into action in remembering my neglected days when I studied one more year to enter university.

Kid grew up more and I needed to start to get refresh that I repaired the house in Kwacheon.

 I figured out the main cause of being and doing alienation was poverty and I got started free consultant to help the people who were in need. My mother suggested me to live separately with parent as Kanghoon began to run and entered preschool that my family moved out reluctantly and moved in small apartment in Gaepodong. Of course I thought my wife didn’t wanted to move out from Kwacheon, but it was my own guess. Again we moved in an apartment in Seochodong. On the way back from Hongcheon Court to defend a case seeing a funeral coffin with followers by the time I got a phone-call informing that Kanghoon was casted randomly 10 chances to 1 to enter the attached elementary school of the Educational College and so excited.

And candidate Youngsam Kim whom I helped a couple of years was elected as Mr. President of Korea and, I became to get in Cheongwadae, the Blue House with him.

But unwillingly I needed to get out of there probably because I was so successful too much young that I was felt zealous of other and I was target of conspiracy. I really got in trouble. After that, I failed in the election of National Assembly in city of Eomsung that is my hometown. About that time I couldn’t deal better off thing what I was involved in that I lost a lot in finance. So we needed to get in the house again in Kwacheon where my parent lived.

The professor of Hanyang univ, Incheol Kim designed the second remodel for the house and he accepted much my opinion. Because of it I enjoyed much the house itself. Living there about three years, we move in Jamwondong for my children were hard to commute from kwacheon to school. Soyoon entered Seoul National University majored in Art which gave a great joy all of us living in monotonous life, including my parent. Because Soyoon finished her three years of high school and because I failed in running election for National Member again, I decided to move in Kwacheon.

When I got back to Kwacheon after the first remodel, kids were so young. But I could take care well them because of being busy and I just guessed their hardness in my mind and thought those hardness would pass away soon. When I got back next, Soyoon entered university. And because of it my life was full of life better and I got refreshment again. At the time Kanghoon started to serve Air Force, which made me feel better spending time in watching them growing. Recently the more I realized I am interested in architecture. For example I made sunken garden at semi-basement that it doesn’t look like basement any more rather looking cozy, installing big size TV with surround sound system to enjoy movie and music.

 Especially it was good for me not to be aware of others even including my family. Flowers are in full bloom in seasons, when Mt. Kwanak is full of its taste and I smell it, it is much cozy even in winter season. I can step out of world and can have escape journey with being chill there. In the mean time my wife was depressed with menopause and she wanted to move to Seoul to resolve the problem, and I tried to change my life.

Soyoon got chance to enter MICA art graduate course which is in Baltimore. And I visited US and stayed about two months to see my daughter as well as we got refreshment there. In the mean while, a multipurpose building caught my mind with first look that we bought it right after coming back from US. Again we came to get out Kwacheon.

I like to say Kwacheon is good at its accessibility to Seoul, the convenience to rebuild, the proper space, and the richness of nature rather than Kwacheon is like place for healing or peaceful place. Of course it’s memorial place to me that I raised my kids and I lived with my parent though.  At this time getting out Kwacheon I arranged my books on the new selves in a proper location and I categorized the books what I’ve collected which was such a big job and replace the used with a new, which was not bad to use though, and I fixed the used table that I could go and have rest there at any time.

Even though I am living in 12th floor of the building that is the bustling 4th street around Seoul National University of Education station i Seochodong that has a nice view to Mt. Kwanak, Cheongkea, and Woomyun, my heart is full with that I’m walking around my house in Kwacheon.

When I will be back there, even if I arrange a place in somewhere, I am used to daydreaming that how I fix it again, how I use it?, I shall dominate it as a gallery or a local library after a while? Otherwise shall I build a new house there and live with making it partial? Each time I’ve arrived that I would the marks of our life there ever.

Mother

I needed to move in Kwachoen which is the current address of our past life because of inevitable reason for life change. Indeed it’s really round character not only to me. I realized there has meaning that Soyoon was assimilated with me and represented me there. Kwacheon was much more country side when I was married 29 ago 1983. At that time I needed to across over a stream under big road which has no crossway on it.

I got married 25 years old by the time I has no fear of anything and was immature. I remember that I thought I might just stay in a while there like guest and lived uncomfortably without a hope to own a house and without enjoying the house. I was on the go all day there until my husband passed bar exam and the first born Kanghoo, and the second Soyoon were born. It’s like to say “a certain pressure about living with husband’s family” which was all for my age.

My husband’s parents are greatly generous to me but even it could be a pressure sometimes to me. When we lived separately with them in Seochoodong, Kwancheon was used to remind me husband’s home which might ask me more likely to be responsible, to visit frequently rather than I thought it’s just place and house.

What is Kwancheon house for me who has lived 54 years now? For it’s been twenty nine years since I was married twenty five, the word Kwacheon probably can’t be separated with me in emotion and metal.

My friends used to call me Kwacheondaeck which means a woman who is married and live a country city Kwackeon from away Seoul. But the house is not matched with the city name Kwacheon which tastes something rural and country, because it has low pretty black roof and a white gate like in children’s story.

I spent my life there adapting living with husband’s family, passing the bar, delivering my two children, and so on which are such great experiences in a short life. We moved in and out three or four times that we could believe that the place more likely is there waiting for us and also our A Home Town in Heart which we can be back anytime.

The play ground in front of the house was good place to me. My children Kanghoon and Soyoon had a swing there, going slide down there, playing on the sand there. I remember a few years ago on a fine day of spring when I wrote an essay with enjoying the flowers in full bloom and woods in the garden.

Why I feel better safety here where I like to get out of at the first time?

It’s said “Because of time”

Perhaps I could meet my death here where I got married and lived first. If so how much blessed? What if I could close my eyes even my last day where whole my life is melted down, embraced in, and the second phase of my life after got married, how much blessed am I?

Brother

I was born and grown up in Kwacheon. City of Kwacheon was with me, before thinking starts, before memory exists. It’s interested that Kwacheon didn’t change at all comparing with that I grown very slowly. By the way Kwacheon began to kick off its development rapidly as the time when I began to grow by soaking the worldly stuffs. Of course the norm that defines my life time frame came from Kwacheon. Excluding relativity, the life that I’ve lived made me so hopeful that I could think life is like a roller coaster. Kwacheon is in a way of that a roller coaster is going up long distance slowly to the highest position right before it drops down so fast. Kwacheon gives me some impressions which can be similar to the impression of roller coaster that I felt nervous with light cold sweat and that I felt comfort with my sight is full of sky. Even though this is little bit strange figure speech, at this time when I am melted down in the world, I’m satisfied with it to express my worm and mild childhood. I can’t think inexperienced things at all. Of course I think there is an exception, whether the experiences are through text and media or not, or whether they are directly from vision and audio or not. I’m still not used to meet and part even though I did it many times in my life. I think why my ego has tried to be free, to be progressive, and to be ambitious is the reason that Kwacheon makes me feel secure as my background. A thought “What if I lose everything, but I thought Kwacheon might remain” is enough to lead me to be an adventurer in metal. And also Kwacheon gives me respectable fear as much as it gives me randomly braveness to have adventure spirit.

Myself

Led by my grandmother, Gwacheon house was built as a single family home in the year of my parents' marriage. I was born and grew up there until age 3 when my family moved to Dogok-dong. At age 5, I returned to Gwacheon house, and this time my family increased to four people. I spent my childhood out there until age 7 when we moved to Seocho-dong. In the wintertime when I turned 13, we came back to Gwacheon house. I spent my last year of primary school and three years of middle school in Gwacheon, and then my family left Gwacheon for Jamwon-dong. We returned to Gwacheon house when I turned 20. After residing there for 6 years, we moved to Seocho-dong in autumn when I was 26 years old.

Gwacheon house has great significance for me. Above all, my fond childhood memories are against the backdrop of Gwacheon. Despite its close proximity to Seoul, I feel drawn to Gwacheon as if feeling nostalgic for the countryside hometown for Gwacheon house was overgrown with greenery. Gwacheon reminds me of vibrant and happy scenes of childhood, coddled and cosseted by grandparents at all times.  When I turned 13, however, my family had to go through tough times in Gwacheon. That winter, we returned to Gwacheon house, and my father proceeded with renovation of Gwacheon house from a 2-story home into a 3-story housing.

He intended to create a better space for three generations of family to live together. In spring, my father ran for an election in my grandfather's hometown, Eumseong, Chungcheongbuk-do. Unfortunately, he faced defeat in the election. Even though I was little, I could sense emotional frustration of parents and dramatic changes surrounding our economic conditions in the aftermath of election failure. But, the most uncomfortable truth loomed large elsewhere. In this period, I was ostracized at primary school. Shortly before our return to Gwacheon, my father was noted as a capable lawyer in Seocho-dong. Our economic changes and psychological aftermath of election failure emerged as a big gossip in that neighborhood. After we moved to Gwacheon, I spent my last year of primary school commuting from Gwacheon to Seocho-dong where I was cruelly bullied by classmates. At Gwacheon house, I had to get over such hardship on my own. Fortunately, I managed to get over it.

In 2003, my family moved to Jamwon-dong for education of me and my brother. My father ran for an election in a different area. He encountered another failure, and it was quite an excruciating experience for my family. When I turned 20, we came back to Gwacheon because my grandmother got sick. Of course, I was still young, but this time I returned to Gwacheon not as a child but as a grown-up.

I hadn't harbor any particular grudge, but I wondered, for the first time, when we could be totally free from Gwacheon house. Above all, I took great pity on my mother. My grandmother's sickness imposed heavier burdens on my mother. Around then, my father stood for a by-election, and he lost by a narrow margin. At that time, I formed a closer bond with my father, so it drove me crazy to see that he couldn't do what he eagerly wanted. When I was little, I used to have a personal grievance against my father who attempted to enter the political arena instead of his stable life as a lawyer. At age 20, however, I was in total empathy with his situation as if my own dream were shattered. Fortunately, my family managed to endure such delicate situation. But, another issue came to surface at Gwacheon house. Big and small communication problems ensued as three generations of family lived together in one house. It's no big deal for me to live with grandparents, but it might be a huge burden for my mother to attend on her parents-in-law. Such perception led me into emotional intricacies. Now my mother also calls Gwacheon house 'her own home.' I understand that she underwent so many torments in the dark until she could embrace her husband's house as her own home. There were many times when I felt deep compassion for my mother during our stay at Gwacheon house. Such compassion might be a creation on my mind irrespective of factual circumstances, thereby leading me into unnecessary emotional exhaustion.

I can't exactly remember when I began to consider Gwacheon as a spot to bother my mother. Such thought sometimes made me unhappy. Whenever my mother looked pathetic or dispirited, I always jumped to the conclusion that Gwacheon house is a source of her agony and laid the blame on Gwacheon house.

In 2011, my family went back to Seocho-dong. For me, Seocho-dong also looks like hometown because I lived there for 7 years. It puts me at ease and fits in well my personal tastes. Now I go to Gwacheon on a weekend or upon occasion, which makes me once again fall in love with Gwacheon. This is the history of Gwacheon house surrounding me as well as my family.

Gwacheon house is indeed the very space to recharge myself. It is sometimes ambiguous to discern whether I go to Gwacheon if I get hurt or Gwacheon itself is the epicenter of my agony. But, it is obvious that I usually have the time to refresh myself in Gwacheon. This metaphor sounds fun, but Gwacheon looks like the place for 'one step forward, two steps back.' It applies to me at least.

My family envisions a vague future of Gwacheon house. Because all our family members including grandparents anticipate keeping our source of individual memories intact.

In the distant future, we will open Gwacheon house to the public as gallery and library equipped with the underground wine cellar. As an extensive book lover, my father plans to create a library through his own collection of over 3,000 books and further additions. We expect people to enjoy together in a gallery decorated with my artwork and my family's precious art collections. Actually, this challenging plan is entirely up to me and my brother. The neighborhood of Gwacheon house is now much built up. Single family homes are replaced by buildings one by one. But, we will hang in there. We hope this space can turn into a more fabulous housing, thereby staying with us forever.

Gwacheon house is the very spot that gave me not only pain but also its cure, and it's the source of my yearning and rejection as well as my love and hate feelings. Now I realize that 'hometown' is the very word to penetrate such complex and moody feeling.

Six voices

#461-8, Gwacheon-dong, Gwacheon-si, Gyunggi-do, South Korea

Touch me

Home in Gwacheon

Return home

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By Soyoon Lee