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WHO DOE5 5HETHINK 5HE 15? B CKWO KIER:N whyotl often oi and hov jealousi and affh .:- ~=. ~= .UGUST 2009 visit ESSENCE.com

Sisterhood Essence 082010

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Black Women Mentoring one Another

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Page 1: Sisterhood Essence 082010

WHO DOE55HETHINK

5HE 15?

B CKWO

KIER:Nwhyotloften oiand hovjealousiand affh

.:- ~=. ~= .UGUST 2009 visit ESSENCE.com

Page 2: Sisterhood Essence 082010

T3*%#H,PLEASE.

WHATEVER.f CAN TAKEHERMAN.

YOu'd never know it, looking at Nikia Macklin. For one,she's gorgeous, feminine to a fault. A curvy, hair-always-done 34-year-old who's employed as an intake workerat a social service agency, she rides the commuter railto work in an adorable yellow linen dress and open-toe

heels. She's the prototype of a sharp, hardworking Blackwoman. Butwhen Macklin crosses her legs, left over right, her tattoo shows-ateeny-weeny pair of red boxing gloves just below her ankle. It's theonly clue to who she used to be, the kind of woman who wouldn'thesitate to get right up in your face and fight.

Like too many of us, Macklin spent years embroiled in a never-ending drama with other Blackwomen. Whenever she walked intoa room full of sisters, she could feel the negative energy. Who's shelooking at? was her mantra. And she wasn't alone. Starting as far backas junior high school and lasting well into adulthood, Macklin rolledwith a crew of girlfriends who would set it off anywhere, on anyone."Itwould be nothing for us to be 26 years old and pop off in the club,"she says. "We did so much fighting and so much beefing-'Such andsuch was with someone's man.' There was so much hating on otherpeople, and people hating on us."

While every encounter didn't necessarily end in a physical alterca-tion, confronting other Blackwomen was the norm. "Theconfrontationsstarted to spill over into other parts of my life. I could be on the job [>

KIERNAMAYO examineswhy other Black women areoften our worst enemiesand how we can put asidejealousies to love, support,and affirm our sisters

AUGUST 2009 I ESSENCE 105

Page 3: Sisterhood Essence 082010

BLACK WOMEN BEHAVING BADLY"WE ARE OUR SISlER'SKEEPER, AND IF WE

FAIL TO BRING LIFE TOOUR RELAI1ON5HIPS, WE

AVTOMAI1CALLYSOW DEATI--f."

and tell my [Black female] manager, 'Bump you' or'Kiss my ass,' and walk out. I really didn't realizeuntil I was about 30 that this was all me," Macklinconcedes. "I was projecting all this stuff going oninside of me onto her"-she gestures toward imaginaryBlack women-"and her and her and her."

leader on myjob, a min-ister in my

church andan influence

to my children,I am often compli-

mented on my innerand outer beauty," wrote

ESSENCE reader Lynette K.McDonald of Dallas. "However, I often encounter the sidewayslooks and glances of other Blackwomen who seem to mean meno good. It has always been a concern of mine how we treatone another, more so in the unspoken nuances, snickers andwhispers heard off in the distance. We are our sister's keeper,and if we fail to bring life to our relationships, we automaticallysow death. I choose not to make that my legacy."

sociologists point out that each of our lives leaves an imprinton our collective sisterhood; how we treat one another hasa ripple effect that extends far beyond the women directlyaffected. Perhaps you don't have a tattoo of boxing gloves, butask yourself: Have you ever looked another Black woman upand down? Checked out her clothes, her body, her face, herhair and secretly sized her up as less than you? Have you everlaughed about another Black woman behind her back? Talked

about her to your girls? Spilled her secrets?Have you ever flirted with another Blackwoman's man? Woke up next to him inbed? Have you ever had a silent thought,even for a split second, wishing failure ona Blackwoman at the job? Is bitch a regularword in your vocabulary? Whenever thatstinger barrels out of your mouth, whois most likely to get stung? Be honest. Isit a sister?

The fact is, to varying degrees, most of usare guilty ofbeing less than sisterly at somepoint in our lives. The reasons we hate onone another, as strangers and sometimeseven as lifelong friends, are complicatedand layered. Researchers point out that,at the deepest level, the vestiges of slaverystill have us in a self-hating choke hold.Add to that the insidious nature of sex-ism inherent in a male-dominated cul-ture, and the fact that we are prone toact like, well, women. "Women are notlike men in terms of physical aggression,"explains Phyllis Chesler, a professor emer-ita of psychology and women's studies atCity University of New York and author ofWoman's Inhumanity to Woman (LawrenceHill Books). Chesler researched the behav-ior of groups ofwomen all around the globeand concluded in her book that like men,women are complex and diverse, capableof both love and hate, good and evil. Butwomen express these emotions differently

MY SISTER, MYSELFSisterhood. It's such a loaded term for Black women, no two ofus define it quite the same way. There has always been a par-ticular rhetoric about Blackwomen as sisters, but for some ofus,the reality doesn't always measure up. Our collective struggleagainst racial, class and gender barriers are ties that theoreti-cally bind; the word sister itself has become synonymous withBlackwoman (as in "That sister was doing her thing!"). YetBlackwomen from every socioeconomic group still report that thesearch for true sisterhoodis at times clouded with confusion-ifnot straight-up pain. ESSENCEeditor-in-chief Angela Burt-Murrayacknowledged as much in her April 2009 "Between Us" letterfrom the editor, in which she pondered: "Blackwomen's relation-ships with one another have often been fraught with tension.Truth is, sometimes we are our own worst enemy .... Whateverhappened to lifting each other as we climb?"

The response was astonishing, E-mails poured in, soundingthe alarm for a deeper discussion. "Asa Black woman who is a

Sisters Gone WildReality TV promotes tension among Black women

Flavor of Love, season 2: New York(right) gets all up in Bootz's face. Again.

America's Next Top Model, cycle 11:When the competition heats up, thepretense of sisterhood falls away.

For the Love of Ray J: With oneman's heart up for grabs, 14 girls usecattiness to prove their love.

Flavor ofLove Girls Charm School:Saaphyri's eyeing Thela (left) says it all.

--;:: visit ESSENCE.com- ---= -iJG S- 2009

Page 4: Sisterhood Essence 082010

~en. "We don'tsar ily pull theon somebodyre are enviousrho we disagree

en do,"she says.it another way,

e ways in which:;:have profoundly

izing effects on. We slander and

:nacize, and we=- circle of women atin the workplace or

- street against theof our envy."

sela D. Coleman,ent and founder of

-~sterhood Agendarhcodagenda. com),

1 nonprofit organi-that focuses on the

nal development ofand girls of African

ent, agrees that our'5 e to love ourselves iscrux of our issues withother. "At the core of

: able to be a sister,zng someone who can.ied upon for uncondi-

love and support, isable to loveyourself," she-Intrinsic to sisterhoodf-love, self-esteem, and

tanding and accepting.~u are."

even decided not to invite one Black castmember back for season two because, asshe told ESSENCE.com,she failed to pro-voke negative controversy.

"1 think a lot of the discord betweenBlack women goes back to the self-fulfilling aspects of seeing images ofourselves depicted as vipers, as back-stabbers, as that bitch," reflects KatrinaBell McDonald, an associate profes-sor in the department of sociology atJohns Hopkins University and author ofEmbracing Sisterhood: Class, Identity, andContemporary Blacl<Women (Rowman &Littlefield Publishers, Inc.), While thisaffects all of us, younger sisters havea particularly difficult task in formingand maintaining a positive sense ofself. "Theyare consistently exposed tomedia images that they don't yet havethe filter and critical thinking abilityto put into proper context," Colemanexplains. "Older sisters can look atit and say, 'It's entertainment, whowould do that?' But younger sistersoften look at these images as modelsof behavior-how to act."

Studies show that the morewomen reach out to and spend timewith each other, the healthier andhappier they are, and the longerthey live. "But Black women havegotten to the point where theyare bearing it all on their own.They are dealing with issues ofshame, seeing each other ascompetitors, and it's literallyaffecting our sense of who weare,'; warns Joy DeGruy Leary,Ph.D., author of Post TraumaticSlave Syndrome: America's Legacyof Enduring Injury and Healing(Uptone Press).

\ Despite all of ouraccorn-Iplishments as Black women\ living in. a Michelle Obama

age, we are alsb stili subtlysocialized -a{~'econd-, even

\ third-class citizens, and find-ing a way to self-love fromthat position can be tough.Of course, the big pink ele-phant in the room when itcomes to understanding whysisters hate is the value wetend to place on men andtheir role in our lives. Thestruggle [CONTINUEDO PAGE150]

reason it's hard to ignoreply overlook the insecure

combative nature in somer-to-sister relationshipscause in pop culture theyup everywhere. Venomous

ges among Black womenre than acceptable-they'reodified and sold. The specta-

14 beautiful women piling intoe for weeks, verbally rippingother apart for the affection ofan-a la VHl shows like Flavor

_and its successor,For the Love ofhas become the guiltypleasurelons of us. The Real Housewivesnta, a gossip-filled hit Bravo

-' series that follows the lives off that city's wealthier women,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~::::::::~~::~A~UGUST2009I ESSENCE107

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BLACK WOMEN BEHAVING BADLY[CONTINUED FROM PAGE 107]

for the attention or affection ofa man is,hands down, the recurring theme whentalking to women about being left heart-broken by their sisters. "The problem ishuge; it's bigger than anyone ofus," saysChesler. "We'veinternalized sexism [thenotion that men are of superior value],and it applies in every area."

To underscore her point, she citesstudies that show that prosecutorsof rapists don't want women on theirjuries, because women are more likelyto believe the man's story. "One way tounderstand it is that women don't wantto feel vulnerable to being raped," shesays. "It's easier for us psychologically tosay, She brought it on herself, she's crazy,she's a whore, she's lying. And we don'twant to betray men, whom we see asmore vulnerable, even as we view themas our potential saviors and protectors.Wewant to forgivethem, even if they'vemade terrible mistakes."

GETTING TO LOVEButwhat about our own mistakes? Howdo we begin to heal the sisterhood?Could a simple shift in focus be enoughto put us on a different path? It's a goodplace to start, says McDonald. "Blackwomen think they are more differentfrom each other than they really are,"she notes. "When it comes to issues suchas what does Blackwomanhood meanto me, and what are some of my respon-sibilities, we are very much alike. Weyearn for the same things."

Like many maverick sisters doingresearch in the field of Black women'sstudies, McDonald focuses not on nega-tivity, but on our light. "I'm so blessedthat I've always had close Black girl-friends whom I could trust emphati-cally," she says. "I have a friend todaywhom I've known since rwas 5, anothersince I was 11. I'm now 47, so I knowwhat's possible. Those relationshipshave saved me in times of despairwhen there was no one else who couldunderstand me. I always feel sorry forBlack women who are missing out onthat. I don't want to invalidate whatevernegative experiences some women havehad, but I question whether we've givenourselves enough credit for our relation-ships, because when they do work, theywork superbly."

Sonia Jackson Myles, a successful

corporate executive, writer and inspi-rational speaker, also sees herself as adirect beneficiary of the love and sup-port of Blackwomen. Asked to speak ata panel discussion sponsored by SoulsofMy Sisters Books last January, she con-templated and prayed deeply about whatshe would say before the crowd of hun-dreds. "Isaid to myself,I shouldjustwritesomething that pledges and promises howwe are going to change how we treat eachother,"Mylesrecalls. The result was "TheSisterAccord & WhyIt's Important Now"(see page 107 for an excerpt), one Blackwoman's loving manual of sisterhoodthat was met by thunderous applauseand a room full of teary eyes.

Depending on where you are in yourown journey toward self-loveand sister-hood, you may still have to do the emo-tional work of dismantling distrustfuland demeaning attitudes toward otherBlack women. We would all do well toacknowledge the powerful words ToniMorrison once spoke at a BarnardCollege commencement address:

"1want not to ask you but to tell younot to participate in the oppressionof your sisters .... 1am alarmed by theviolence that women do to each other:professional violence, competitive vio-lence, emotional violence. I am alarmedby the willingness ofwomen to enslaveother women .... I am suggesting that wepay as much attention to our nurtur-ing sensibilities as to our ambition. Weare moving in the direction of freedomand the function of freedom is to freesomebody else."

Imagine what might happen if weall chose to abandon the self-fulfilling,negative model of generally hating onsisters, and instead consistently tookaction to spin our relationships withother Blackwomen to the positive. Like'offering random sisters a genuine smileor giving other Black women compli-ments instead of snide side-glances.Howmight a fighting woman like NikiaMacklin have been different if, from thetime she was a young girl, instead offeeling piercing judgmental eyes fromher sisters, she had been enveloped byunconditional support and camarade-rie? And even, dare it be said, love?0

Kierna Mayo is an ESSENCE contribut-ing writer.

visit ESSENCE.com150 ESSENCE I AUGUST 2009