Simon the Incompetent Highwayman

Simon the incompetent highwaymanAnd his girlfriend sweet Lizzie Brown

Tried to make a career by spreading fearAmong the people of Clodhopper’s Down.

Now Lizzie was the pick of the duoShe was really quite dashing and smart

But what held her back on her criminal trackWas that she possessed a very kind heart.

Oh but Simon he had no such scruplesHe thought no one was meaner than him

Yet his threats and his bluster didn’t pass musterBecause everyone knew he was dim.

When Simon and Liz robbed a stagecoachThe passengers said, ‘Oh what fun.’

Nobody quivered or stood and deliveredAs Simon had forgotten his gun.

‘It’s no good you laughing,’ said Lizzie‘Because we still want your money and jewels.

I might not look tough but I can play roughEven if Simon’s a bit of a fool.’

Lizzie shook her clenched fist at them allAnd the passengers slowly stepped down

They emptied their pockets and Liz took a locketFrom a young girl wearing a frown.

‘Why the glum face?’ sneered cruel Simon.‘You’ve been robbed by the best that there is.

But I’ll make amends, you can tell all your friendsThe handsome highwayman gave you a kiss!’

So saying he leapt down from his horseBut slipped on something slimy and rotten

Then to his great despair his legs shot up in the airAnd he came crashing down on his bottom.

The young woman she burst into tears.Cried Simon, ‘But it don’t hurt a bit.’

The girl dried her eyes, then to Simon’s surpriseSaid, ‘I’m not sobbing for you big twit!’

‘My sweet beau he gave me that locketAt Squire Clodhopper’s annual dance

He said he couldn’t tarry but that we would marryWhen he finished his business in France.’

‘Yet if he comes home and I’ve lost itThen I’m sure that he won’t marry me

He’ll not take a wife who values her lifeSo much more than his locket you see.’

‘Why should we care?’ shouted SimonAnyway marriage is just full of woe.’

Then he called for his horse in a voice harsh and coarseSo the beast came and stood on his toe.

‘Get off me you brute,’ howled our Simon.Or I’ll sell you as cats’ meat I say.’

He spoke with such spite that the poor horse took frightAnd it reared up then galloped away.

‘I’m not standing for this,’ snapped young Lizzie‘We’ll not knock this marriage off track.

We can’t keep this trinket, Simon, don’t even think it.’She said as she handed the girl’s locket back.

Now Simon he shouted at LizzieHe stamped, yelled, hollered and roared

And although he did his best Lizzie wasn’t impressedIn fact you could say she was bored.

‘If you’ve really quite finished,’ said Lizzie‘I think I’ll go home for my tea.’

Then she turned her horse round to ride back to townAs Simon shouted, ‘But what about me?’

‘I’ve never liked being a robber,’ said Lizzie.‘And as a highwayman you were all talk.It’s all over, my dear, let me make it clearIf you want to get home you must walk.’

Simon he laughed as she rode offHe was a highwayman by nature and name.

He’d be darned if he’d show he had a pain in his toeBut then the heavens opened and it started to rain.

In despair Simon begged the coach party‘Oh please won’t you give me a ride?

I’m not being funny and I’ll return all your moneyIf you’ll only let me come inside.’

But the passengers all shook their headsAnd the coach rumbled off back to town

Leaving Simon alone to weep and to moanLooking like a rat that was totally drowned.

Simon the incompetent highwaymanWas left all alone with his loot

The rain soaked his clothes and dripped off his noseWhile his heart sank right down to his boots.

Then out of the murk galloped Lizzie‘Climb up on the back of my horse and we’ll ride.

Your useless and wet but to my lasting regretI’ve got too kind a heart,’ she sighed.

Lizzie knew that the lawmen were comingAnd they’d have to escape without hitchBut during the trip her man lost his grip

And they both landed head first in a ditch.

When the lawmen passed Lizzie and SimonThey didn’t stop to make an arrest

They just saw two tramps looking muddy and dampLike old scarecrows well past their best.

So Simon stopped being a highwaymanAnd he and Lizzie left Clodhopper’s Down

They slipped away without fuss and joined a circusNow Simon entertains the crowds as a clown.

©Roger Hurn 2011www.roger-hurn.co.uk

Now on Amazon’s Kindle Store, urlm.in/moga Roger Hurn’s exciting fantasy ebook for children (8-12): Something Wicked This Way Comes. “A breathtaking roller coaster ride of thrills. Just the sort of fast paced fantasy adventure children love.” Cornerstone’s reviewer.

Publications by Roger Hurn:Spook Squad – Adventures Too Scary For Boys (Ransom Publishing)

The Spook Squad are Roxy, Leena, Nita, Emma and (whether they want him or not)

Rattle the poltergeist. The four girls are as bright and sparky as a fire in a fireworksfactory. And they have a job to do: to protect humans from ghouls, ghosts,long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night. So, on dark and stormy nights, when the vampires are being a pain in the neck and hairy horrors are on the prowl, the Spook Squad goes into action.

The Alien Detective Agency (Reluctant readers; Badger Publishing)

Jack is an actor and he is the star of the smash hit TV show Sci-Fi Spy Guy. But one day Jack was kidnapped by aliens for real! Luckily, he managed to escape from them in a Space Tripping Extra Atomic Laser Time Hopper called STEALTH. Jack made it safely back to Earth and ever since he has been leading a double life. As soon as he finishes filming his TV show he slips off to go travelling all over the galaxy in STEALTH. It sounds like fun but, wherever he goes, Jack always ends up in big trouble! And things only get worse when he meets up with mystery alien, Wanda Darkstar and they decide to start up the Alien Detective Agency.

Other publications by Roger Hurn include:

The Eye of the Pharaoh – a play for schools. A fast paced comedy/thriller set in Ancient Egypt. (http://www.lazybeescripts.co.uk/YouthTheatre/Eye_of_the_Pharaoh.htm)The Mystery Mob books for reluctant readers (Rising Stars)The Tribe books for reluctant readers (Barrington Stoke) The You Can Do It books: Grammar; Spelling; Punctuation (Hodder Children’s Books)East of the Sun; West of the Moon - Folk Tales From Around the World (Rising Stars)

Active Playtimes (A&C Black)101 Dance Ideas for children 5 -11 (A&C Black)