Short Jokes

“Doctor, Doctor, my arm is broken in three places.”“Well stay out of those places.”

“Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage.”

“Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkey’s do too – ifthey have a gun.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, theother was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

“‘Employee of the month’ is a good example of how somebody can beboth a winner and a loser at the same time.”

“I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to bemad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her ownshit.”

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.

An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered inhundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.

“Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busydriving taxis and cutting hair.”

How do you call a prison inmate? – Use a cell phone.

“On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who’seating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the holein the middle?”

“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.”

“I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anythingspecifically.”

“What’s black and white and eats like a horse? – A Zebra.

“An overweight guy went to the doctor who advised him to try a keep fitDVD. But the guy said he couldn’t be bothered. “Well” suggested thedoctor, “try something that leaves you a little short of breath.” So thebuy took up smoking.”

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Why are robots never afraid? – Because they have nerves of steel.

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buysomething.”

“Today’s a good day for going to a bookstore and ask where the selfhelp section is.”

“I’m 63 now. But that’s just 17 Celsius.”

“What’s it with chimpanzees and that middle parting? Stuck in theTwenties, aren’t they?

Two silkworms had a race – it ended in a tie.

“I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your deadflowers.”

“I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.”

“Airline hostesses show you how to use a seat belt in case you haven’tbeen in a car since 1956.”

“I’ve been breastfeeding for two years. I could light the gas ring with mynipples.”

“A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention inhuman history: with the possible exception of handguns and Tequila.”

“We had gay burglars last night. They broke in and rearranged thefurniture.”

“For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow butphone calls taper off.”

“My Dad is Irish and my Mum is Iranian, which basically means wespent most of our family holidays in customs.”

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a coupleof days.”

“Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’veexperienced pain and bought jewellery.”

“Money can’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.”

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? Adrummer.-

“We know the speed of light, but what about the speed of darkness?”?

Always the bridesmaid never the bride, that’s male predators for you.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for twohardened criminals.

What’s got a trunk, four legs and lots of keys? A piano up a tree.

“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I neversaw any reason to limit myself.”

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming interror like his passengers.

“Remember: it takes forty-two muscles to frown and only four to pull thetrigger of a decent sniper rifle.”

“I call my lawyer and say, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He says,‘What’s the second question?’”

“I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, ‘Oh, I guess I’llhave Champagne.’ I said, ‘Guess again.’”

Two lions are walking down the aisle of a supermarket. One turns tothe other and says. ‘Quiet in here today, isn’t it’

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes aninexpensive vibrator.

“I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happyabout having to give blood though.”

“I’ve just been on an once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, neveragain.”

“I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used tomake me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet ofRevels.”

“I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and awoman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’”

“People often say to me. ‘What are you doing in my garden?’”

“These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

“My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was sixty.Now he’s eighty-five and we don’t know where he is.”

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”