Shakespeare Abridged

8/11/2019 Shakespeare Abridged

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JAKE: William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare was born in 1564 in the town of Stratford-upon-Avon,Warwickshire. The third of eight children, he was the eldest son of John Shakespeare, a locally prominentmerchant, and Mary Arden, daughter of a Roman. In 1582 he married Anne Hathaway, a farmer‟s daugh—

CARTER: Shakespeare arrived in London in 1588. After 1608 his dramatic production lessened and it seems that hespent more time in Stratford. There he dictated to his secretary, Rudolf Hess, the work Mein Kampf , in whichhe set forth his program for the restoration of Germany to a dominant position in Europe. After reoccupying

the Rhineland, Shakespeare invaded Poland on September 1, 1939, thus precipitating World War II. He lies buried in the Church at Stratford. Thank you.

INTRO

JAKE: now without further ado, we are proud to present

BOTH: The Complete works of William Shakespeare [abridged]!

BOTH: Two households, both alike in dignity/ in fair Verona where we lay our scene/ From ancient grudge break tonew mutiny/ where civil blood makes civil hands unclean/ from forth the fatal loins of these two foes/ a pairof star-crossed lovers take their life/ whose misadventured, piteous o‟erthrows/ do, with their death, bury

their parents‟ strife.

CARTER: Act One, Scene One: in the street meet two men tall and handsome: One Benvolio

JAKE: The other Sampson. Their hatred fueled by an ancient feud, for one serves Capulet, the other Montague…d.

CARTER: do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

JAKE: no sir, I do but bite my thumb.

CARTER: Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

JAKE: No sir, I do..not bite my..thumb…but…

PATHETIC FIGHT SCENE

CARTER: [pausing, for breath] Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? [then “dies”]…(for sake of scene brevity)

JAKE: O no! my love, my wife! Death, that hath suck‟d the honey of they breath, hath no power yet upon thy beauty.O Juliet, why art thou yet so fair?

CARTER: I dunno, just lucky I guess…

JAKE: Here‟s to my love! [drinks from poison].

CARTER: [awakes, sees dead Romeo, dies] auugh

BOTH: [sung] And Romeo and Juliet are deeead!

AWKWARD PAUSE, COUGH, ETC.

CARTER: wanna do Othello? Just because we‟re white doesn‟t mean we can‟t do Othello…I got an idea…

JAKE: No, Carter…

CARTER BEGINS TO DROP A FUNKY DOPE BEAT

JAKE: Here‟s the story of a brother by the name of Othello/ He liked white women and he liked green Jello [assumes beat]

CARTER: and a punk named Iago who made hisself a menace, cuz he didn‟t like Othello, the moor of Venice[assumes beat]



JAKE: Now Othello got married to Des-demona,

CARTER: but he took off for the wars and he left her alone-a

JAKE: It was a moan-a

CARTER: A groan-a

JAKE: he left her alone-a

CARTER: he didn‟t write a letter and he didn‟t telephone-a!

JAKE: but there‟s Emilia at the door

CARTER: who we met in Act Four

JAKE: who say, you big dummy, she weren‟t no whore! She was:

CARTER: pure!

JAKE: she was

CARTER: clean!

JAKE: she was

CARTER: virginal too!

BOTH: so why‟d you have to go and make her face turn blue?

JAKE: and Othello say:

CARTER: mmm, this is getting pretty scary

JAKE: so he pulled out his blade and committed hari-kari

CARTER: Iago got caught, but he probly copped a plea,

JAKE: loaded up his bags,

BOTH: and moved to Beverly…hills, that is [pause] AFRICA! [with fist]

CARTER: [embarrassed now...] hey man...why don‟t we take a break from all this heavy tragedy and move on to the

comedies for awhile?

JAKE: [also embarrassed] yeah, uh great…Comedies, okay.

BOTH: [timid] COMEDIES! [with fist]

CARTER: Now, when it came to the comedies, Shakespeare was a genius at borrowing and adapting plot devicesfrom different theatrical traditions

JAKE: yeah, basically, Shakespeare stole everything he ever wrote…

CARTER: you see, Shakespeare was essentially a formula writer. Once he found a device that worked, he used it over

JAKE: and over

CARTER: and over again.

JAKE: So, Mr. Shakespeare, the question we have is this:



BOTH: Why did you write sixteen comedies instead of writing just one?

CARTER: in answer to this question, we have taken the liberty of condensing all sixteen of Shakespeare‟s comediesinto a single play, which we have entitled The Comedy of Two Well-Measured Gentlemen Lost in the MerryWives of Venice on a Midsummer’s Twelfth Night in Winter .

JAKE: Or, Cymbeline Taming Pericles the Merchant in the Tempest of Love as Much as You Like it for Nothing .

CARTER: Comedy?

JAKE: Comedy.

CARTER: comedy…

RESIGN, DECIDE NOT TO

JAKE: Basically, we‟ve found that the Comedies aren‟t half as funny as the Tragedies. Take for example,Shakespeare‟s Scottish play, Mac —

CARTER: SHHHHHH! Don‟t talk about it in here!! [etc. etc.]

JAKE: aghh, sorry…Which you‟re really not supposed to talk about in a theatre unless you‟re performing it, becauseit‟s cursed.

GHOST NOISES AND STUFF

JAKE: fortunately, however, we not only perform an abbreviated version of Macbeth —

CARTER FREAK OUT, JAKE REALIZE HE SCREWED THAT UP…

CARTER: but after much thorough research, we are able to do so…

BOTH: In perfect Scottish accents!!!!

JAKE: [witch] Double, Double, Toil and Trouble!

CARTER: [very obnoxiously rolling his R‟s] stay, ye imperrrrfect macspeakerrrr. Mactell me Macmorrrre.

JAKE: [still as witch] Macbeth, Macbeth, beware Macduff. None of woman born shall harm Macbeth Till Birnham

Wood come to Dunsinane, don‟t ye know.

CARTER: [never failing with the obnoxious R pronunciation] Och, that‟s dead grrreat. Then macwhat macneed macImacfear of Macduff? [pause, witch stabs him. Carter dies]

CHEAP BOWS

CARTER: [beckoned to start by Jake] nahh, I don‟t wanna do it. It‟s just so big. It‟s got so many words.

JAKE: C‟mon, we can do it, man. We know Hamlet backwards and forwards. [pause] Hamlet, the Tragedy of the Prince of Denmark ! The place: Denmark. The time: twelfth, maybe thirteenth century, give or take. The battlements of Elsinore castle, round about midnight. Two guards enter.

CARTER: no, I don‟t wanna…

JAKE: cmon you said you would

CARTER: [muttered] no, no, no…

JAKE: [Bernardo, overdone] Who‟s there?

CARTER: [extrememly reluctant, void of character voice] Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold youself.



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Shakespeare Abridged