Setting Boundaries in Setting Boundaries in RelationshipsRelationships

Boundary DefinitionBoundary Definition

The dictionary meaning: 'boundary' is The dictionary meaning: 'boundary' is something that indicates bounds or limits. A something that indicates bounds or limits. A territory or a line that should not be crossed. territory or a line that should not be crossed.

It is very important to know your personal It is very important to know your personal boundaries in a relationship to ensure that you boundaries in a relationship to ensure that you are treated with respect and your identity is are treated with respect and your identity is safeguarded. safeguarded.

Everything in Life has boundaries. Country, Everything in Life has boundaries. Country, marriage, family, friends.marriage, family, friends.

Types of BoundariesTypes of Boundaries

Most people are very aware of boundaries for Most people are very aware of boundaries for material objects, yet struggle to realize the material objects, yet struggle to realize the importance of implementing importance of implementing emotional, emotional, physical, spiritual and mental boundaries for physical, spiritual and mental boundaries for selfself..

Ex: Prodigal Son.Ex: Prodigal Son.

Bank account.Bank account.

Max out cc (outside boundary)Max out cc (outside boundary)

Lack of BoundariesLack of Boundaries

Effects include:Effects include:– Depression, heaviness in your life, Chip on Depression, heaviness in your life, Chip on

your shoulder, resentment, anger.your shoulder, resentment, anger.

Setting BoundariesSetting Boundaries

People have right to set boundaries. (ex: People have right to set boundaries. (ex: mother/ 2 daughters) (respect the needs)mother/ 2 daughters) (respect the needs)

Relationships of all kinds can be Relationships of all kinds can be complicated. The relationships isn’t complicated. The relationships isn’t healthy If either person feels healthy If either person feels overburdened then the overburdened then the bond will not last. will not last. Set boundaries to keep your relationships Set boundaries to keep your relationships functioning properly. (This is very difficult)functioning properly. (This is very difficult)

The first application of 'boundaries' resides The first application of 'boundaries' resides in differentiating between what is/is not in differentiating between what is/is not within our responsibility. (sit/examine self)within our responsibility. (sit/examine self)

It is also the ability to say 'NO' to people It is also the ability to say 'NO' to people when they inconsiderably ask too much of when they inconsiderably ask too much of us thus putting our life at the risk of chaos us thus putting our life at the risk of chaos and confusion.and confusion.– This requires ConfrontationThis requires Confrontation

However, However, ConfrontationConfrontation is very hard. is very hard.

ConfrontationConfrontation

Easier to talk about and not to people.Easier to talk about and not to people.

– Ex haircutEx haircut

ConfrontationConfrontation

Other person will not be happy or like it.Other person will not be happy or like it.

– War is on, throw a fit, Rebellious War is on, throw a fit, Rebellious

– Will fight back will be sarcastic/ judge/blameWill fight back will be sarcastic/ judge/blame

You must be calm You must be calm

Confront, Leave to God, Don’t mistreat the person.Confront, Leave to God, Don’t mistreat the person.

Note: if you don’t let the person know your needs, you Note: if you don’t let the person know your needs, you can not blame them.can not blame them.

ConfrontationConfrontation

Example: Galatians 2:11-12Example: Galatians 2:11-1211 11 Now when PeterNow when Peter had come to Antioch, I had come to Antioch, I

withstood him to his face, because he was withstood him to his face, because he was to be blamed; to be blamed; 12 12 for before certain men for before certain men came from James, he would eat with the came from James, he would eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he Gentiles; but when they came, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing withdrew and separated himself, fearing those who were of the circumcisionthose who were of the circumcision..

Psalm 91: 1-2Psalm 91: 1-2

He who dwells in the secret place of the He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.of the Almighty.2 2 I will say of the LORD, I will say of the LORD, “He is“He is my refuge my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.”trust.”

Your boundaries should match God’s and Your boundaries should match God’s and you should put your trust in the lord.you should put your trust in the lord.

Take responsibility, set boundaries and Take responsibility, set boundaries and enforce them. Ex (punishing children)enforce them. Ex (punishing children)

Help people but don’t sacrifice/destroy Help people but don’t sacrifice/destroy your own life. Don’t be distracted for what your own life. Don’t be distracted for what your purpose isyour purpose is

Our Lord Jesus helped people but they Our Lord Jesus helped people but they also must be willing to be helpedalso must be willing to be helped– Ex: Story in John Chapter 5Ex: Story in John Chapter 5

Paralyzed man 38 yearsParalyzed man 38 years

Do you want to be healed?????????? Do you want to be healed??????????

Knowing yourselfKnowing yourself

It is necessary that you learn to treat yourself It is necessary that you learn to treat yourself decently first, be confident, understand your decently first, be confident, understand your true worth or else you will end up attracting true worth or else you will end up attracting narcissists who will misuse you, ill-treat you or narcissists who will misuse you, ill-treat you or trick you. Creating boundaries in relationships trick you. Creating boundaries in relationships means being very clear about your likes and means being very clear about your likes and dislikes.dislikes.

If you pamper someone, they will expect it all If you pamper someone, they will expect it all the time.the time.

Also, you can be stretched too far, you have Also, you can be stretched too far, you have to go on with life. (ex. Luke 10:27)to go on with life. (ex. Luke 10:27)

The story of the Good Samaritan. The story of the Good Samaritan. – Body of believers, share the burden, delegateBody of believers, share the burden, delegate

Marriage BoundariesMarriage Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a good way to develop Setting boundaries is a good way to develop and maintain trust, strengthen a relationship, and maintain trust, strengthen a relationship, and prevent disputes.and prevent disputes.

It is a good idea to set firm and fair boundaries It is a good idea to set firm and fair boundaries that both parties agree on. (Women love to give that both parties agree on. (Women love to give hints)hints)

(but not a prenuptial)(but not a prenuptial)

Identify with your spouse what areas of your Identify with your spouse what areas of your marriage need some sort of boundaries. This need some sort of boundaries. This could include curfews, work restrictions or could include curfews, work restrictions or relationships with friends. While two adults can relationships with friends. While two adults can do as they please when they please, it benefits do as they please when they please, it benefits the marriage to enact some restrictions. the marriage to enact some restrictions.

Baby StepsBaby Steps

Set small boundaries initially. As each of you Set small boundaries initially. As each of you becomes more proficient at avoiding becomes more proficient at avoiding breaking the marriage boundaries, set bigger breaking the marriage boundaries, set bigger boundaries if you choose. This is not to say boundaries if you choose. This is not to say that every facet of your marriage should have that every facet of your marriage should have a boundary; rather, it means that as you a boundary; rather, it means that as you become more adept at meeting your become more adept at meeting your spouse's expectations, you can stretch spouse's expectations, you can stretch yourself furtheryourself further

The Compliant PersonThe Compliant Person

The Compliant PersonThe Compliant Person: A compliant : A compliant person's gates are always open and he person's gates are always open and he say 'YES' to the right and the wrong, to the say 'YES' to the right and the wrong, to the good and the bad. Such people do not good and the bad. Such people do not have the ability to say 'NO' to a task they have the ability to say 'NO' to a task they cannot perform for one reason or the cannot perform for one reason or the other. other.

The Guilt PersonThe Guilt Person

The Guilt PersonThe Guilt Person: These people are harsh : These people are harsh on themselves full of self blame for things on themselves full of self blame for things for which God does not convict them. St. for which God does not convict them. St. Paul described these people as Paul described these people as possessing "possessing "weak conscienceweak conscience" (1 " (1 Corinthians 8:7). Corinthians 8:7).

The Fearful PersonThe Fearful Person

The Fearful PersonThe Fearful Person: Their deeds are : Their deeds are prompted by fear of losing other people's prompted by fear of losing other people's acceptance, or arousing their anger, acceptance, or arousing their anger, punishment, and/or devaluation or punishment, and/or devaluation or depreciation.depreciation.

The avoidance PersonThe avoidance Person

The Avoidance PersonThe Avoidance Person: This person's : This person's gates are closed to the good and bad. gates are closed to the good and bad. Such people, under the misconstrued Such people, under the misconstrued concept of "independence", refuse help concept of "independence", refuse help either out of feeling of unworthiness or either out of feeling of unworthiness or haughtiness. haughtiness.

The Controlling PersonThe Controlling Person

The Controlling PersonThe Controlling Person: These people : These people cannot tolerate a 'NO' They do what they cannot tolerate a 'NO' They do what they desire but deny others their right to say desire but deny others their right to say 'NO' to a service they cannot perform. 'NO' to a service they cannot perform. They use either of two techniques: They use either of two techniques:

The Controlling PersonThe Controlling Person

– Manipulation, a device commonly used by Manipulation, a device commonly used by Satan and dominantly by women. Through Satan and dominantly by women. Through manipulative lying, Satan convinced Eve to manipulative lying, Satan convinced Eve to sin and she in turn, through the same sin and she in turn, through the same technique, convinced her husband to eat from technique, convinced her husband to eat from the forbidden fruit and disobeyed God, the the forbidden fruit and disobeyed God, the source of their happiness and peace.source of their happiness and peace.

– Ex: Delilah, Salome, Photiphar’s wifeEx: Delilah, Salome, Photiphar’s wife

The Controlling PersonThe Controlling Person

– Aggression, a device used mostly by men Aggression, a device used mostly by men through which they appeal to violence in order through which they appeal to violence in order to obtain what they want. Below is a chart to obtain what they want. Below is a chart showing the correlation between types of showing the correlation between types of personalities and barriers.personalities and barriers.

You can say You can say NONOThe Holy Bible approves of the concept of The Holy Bible approves of the concept of 'No" as a protective weapon when applied 'No" as a protective weapon when applied at the right place and right time.at the right place and right time. " "But let But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For whatever is more than these is from the whatever is more than these is from the evil oneevil one" (Matthew 5:37). " (Matthew 5:37).

You can say You can say NONOParents should train themselves to accept Parents should train themselves to accept a 'NO' from their children. Children should a 'NO' from their children. Children should be trained to say 'NO' to bad company and be trained to say 'NO' to bad company and wrong choices. Husbands and wives wrong choices. Husbands and wives should learn how to prioritize options and should learn how to prioritize options and services before they push themselves to services before they push themselves to the limit and lose hold of the essentials the limit and lose hold of the essentials which are God, their families and their which are God, their families and their children. children.

ConclusionConclusion

Setting boundaries and saying 'NO' at the Setting boundaries and saying 'NO' at the right place and the right time help us to right place and the right time help us to conduct a peaceful fruitful life.conduct a peaceful fruitful life.

Glory be to God foreverGlory be to God forever

AmenAmen