SESSION 5 TRUST AND SAFETY

SESSION 5

TRUST AND

SAFETY

Copyright © 2020 by Linda McLoughlin MCC Page | 2

• Connecting Back/Review of Coaching Practice

• Johari Window

• Using TA in coaching

• Empathy and coaching

• Vulnerability in the Coaching Relationship

• Coaching Demonstration

• Coaching practice

• Reflections

Definition: Partners with the client to create a safe, supportive environment that

allows the client to share freely. Maintains a relationship of mutual respect and trust.

1. Seeks to understand the client within their context which may include their identity, environment, experiences, values and beliefs

2. Demonstrates respect for the client’s identity, perceptions, style and language and adapts one’s coaching to the client

3. Acknowledges and respects the client’s unique talents, insights and work in the coaching process

4. Shows support, empathy and concern for the client 5. Acknowledges and supports the client’s expression of feelings, perceptions,

concerns, beliefs and suggestions 6. Demonstrates openness and transparency as a way to display vulnerability

and build trust with the client

• How does that make you feel?

• What is the main emotion in all of this?

• That must be very challenging for you …

• What do you need from me as your coach?

• What values are at play here?

• How does the situation present itself within your family’s norms?

TYPICAL QUESTIONS

AGENDA

COMPETENCY #4: Cultivates Trust and Safety


JOHARI WINDOW - UNDERSTANDING SELF AND OTHERS

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s

as a model for mapping personality awareness. The four quadrants in the model are:

1. The Open Arena

2. The Blind Area

3. The Hidden Area or Mask

4. The Unknown Area.

When we relate from the Open Arena using the aspects of ourselves that are known

to us and others, the quality of relationships deepens and grows. Feedback and safe

self-disclosure enables us to expand our Open Arena. These are two key skills in our

coaching toolkit – self-disclosure relates to being vulnerable talked about later in this

session. Our aim as coaches is to help our clients open their Johari Windows as wide

as possible and especially to access quadrant 4 – their unknown potential.

In a coaching scenario, why would you want to reveal some of yourself? In building

trust and intimacy we disclose a part of ourselves to model that with our client. We

invite our client to do the same. We carefully choose what we reveal of ourselves to

the client recognizing professional boundaries. We are human and it’s okay to be

imperfect, to not know everything. What you choose to reveal serves the client and is

authentic. Coaching is a partnership of equals. The Johari Window is just one of many

tools we can use to develop our Direct Communication competency.

For more information on the Johari Window go to:

http://www.businessballs.com/johariwindowmodel.htm

http://www.businessballs.com/johariwindowmodel.htm


JOHARI WINDOW EXERCISE

By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your coaching friends

and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can

be built up. To get started, pick the five or six words that you feel best describe you:

able accepting adaptable bold brave

calm caring cheerful clever complex

confident dependable dignified energetic extroverted

friendly giving happy helpful idealistic

independent ingenious intelligent introverted kind

knowledgeable logical loving mature modest

nervous observant organized patient powerful

proud quiet reflective relaxed religious

responsive searching self-assertive self-conscious sensible

sentimental shy silly spontaneous sympathetic

tense trustworthy warm wise witty

Invite others to describe you and compare the results.

Is an overlap on how we view ourselves and how others perceive us? What was

interesting and surprising about your feedback? Why do we avoid seeking direct

feedback?

To do this test online, follow the instructions in this link:

https://kevan.org/johari

https://kevan.org/johari


EMPATHY

“Empathy is a key skill for the coach. The good news is that we are all “hard-wired” for empathy. It’s in our genes. Many neurobiologists now believe that emotions like loyalty; compassion and empathy are deeply rooted in our limbic system. Empathy, in other words, makes us human. Do know the difference between sympathy and empathy. Empathy is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes". So empathy is a deeper emotional experience – we can experience both affective empathy (sharing feelings) and cognitive empathy (understanding viewpoints). How do we demonstrate empathy in coaching?

• Listen – Really Listen!

o Listen with your ears – What is the other person really saying? How

are they saying it? What is their tone of voice? What emphasis do they

place on certain phrases or words?

o Listen with your eyes – Pay close attention to their body language. Are

they “open” or “closed?” What are their eyes telling you? How are they

sitting/standing?

o Listen with your gut – Is the other person being genuine…

forthcoming…guarded… truthful?

o Listen with your heart – What is she or he really feeling? What are you

really feeling as you listen?

• Don’t Interrupt – Don’t dismiss the client’s concerns. Don’t tell them to “not to

worry” or “get to the point.” Don’t change the subject. Don’t hijack the

conversation by moving it back to your concerns or views.

• Ask Good Questions – Practice the “80-20” Rule – the client gets to talk a

minimum of 80% of the time; you get the remaining 20%. Ask the client to

explain his or her position. Ask open-ended questions.

• Suspend Judgment – Consider things from the client’s point of view. Try not

to assign your feelings, values, or logic to the client. Keep an open mind.

• Be Present – Focus On the Other Person

o Minimize Distractions –Turn off your computer, PDA, or Smart Phone

o Remove Physical Barriers – Get out from behind your desk when

carrying on a conversation; sit alongside the client

o Face the Other Person – Give them your full and undivided attention

• Be Calm – Keep your emotions in check. Resist the urge to give advice or

present counter-arguments.

http://www.diffen.com/difference/Boots_vs_Shoes


• Validate the Client’s Perspective – Acknowledge their point of view or how

they “see” the world. Remember – empathy does not mean agreement and

acknowledging another person’s beliefs or ideas does not mean you sacrifice

your own.

• Give the Other Person the “Gift of Time” – Be patient and know that

encouragement and empathy are gifts of immense value.

Source: The Journey - Legacy and Leadership Coaching (2011, April)


TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS

“No one is in charge of your mind except you.”

Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis (TA) developed this approach to

understanding interpersonal behavior. In brief, the core philosophy of TA is based on:

• The belief in the intrinsic value of all people – “I’m OK-You’re OK” stance

• The notion that people are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings and

behaviors

• The idea that a person’s own experience is of prime validity

• The tenet that each person constructs and decides own destiny, and can

change those decisions. In other words, problems are solvable.

Berne devised the concept of ego states to help explain how we are made up, and how

we relate to others. These are drawn as three stacked circles and they are one of the

building blocks of Transactional Analysis. They categorize the ways we think, feel and

behave and are called Parent, Adult, and Child. Each ego state is given a capital letter

to denote the difference between actual parents, adults and children.

You can take the quiz below to assess how you operate – as coaches we need to

understand our own state and recognize others’ default state(s). It is interesting to link

our ego states to the Gremlin work we will do next session – are their patterns?

Another aspect of Transactional Analysis is to identify our Driver as these too influence

our behavior and way of being with others. The five Drivers are:

• Hurry Up

• Be Strong

• Be Perfect

• Try Harder, and

• Please People.


You can take the questionnaire below to identify these – most of us have at least two

that influence our interactions. It is important as coaches to identify the different

“voices” that drive and control us. TA is another great tool in terms of building self-

awareness as a coach and for our clients.

For more information, read: http://www.businessballs.com/transactionalanalysis.htm

TA DRIVERS QUESTIONNAIRE Drivers are: • Unconscious internal pressure that make us do things in certain ways,

e.g. with speed, perfection, little emotion etc.

• Often inappropriate or unhelpful in obtaining results and tend to satisfy inner

needs rather than actual events.

• Good for identifying external signs that reflect internal processes.

Answer the following questions by indicating “Yes”(Y) “No” (N) or “to some extent” (S) next to the question number: 1. Do you hide or control your feelings? 2. Are you reluctant to ask for help? 3. Do you set yourself high standards and then criticize yourself for not meeting them? 4. Do you do things (especially for others) that you don’t really want to? 5. Do you tend to do a lot of things simultaneously? 6. Do you hate ‘giving up’ or ‘giving in’, always hoping that ‘this time it will work’? 7. Is it important for you to be RIGHT? 8. Is it important for you to be LIKED? 9. Do you tend to start things and not finish them? 10. Do you set unrealistic time limits? 11. Are you fairly easily persuaded? 12. Do you dislike being different? 13. Do you tend to put yourself (or find yourself) in the position of being depended

upon? 14. Do you feel discomforted (e.g. annoyed, irritated) by small messes or discrepancies

such as a spot on a garment or the wallpaper an ornament or a tool out of place, a disorderly presentation of work?

15. Would you describe yourself as ‘quick’ & find yourself getting impatient with others? 16. Do you hate to be interrupted? 17. Do you tend to compare yourself (or your performance) with others and feel inferior

or superior accordingly? 18. Do you find yourself going round in circles with a problem feeling stuck but unable

to let go of it? 19. Do you have a tendency not to realise how tired, or hungry or ill you feel, but instead

‘keep going’? 20. Do you tend to talk at the same time as others, or finish their sentences for them? 21. Do you like to explain things in detail and precisely? 22. Do you like to ‘get on with the job’ rather than talk about it? 23. Do you prefer to do things on your own? 24. Do you dislike conflict? 25. Do you tend to be the rebel or the odd one out in a group?

http://www.businessballs.com/transactionalanalysis.htm


Scoring

Look at the response you have for each question, i.e. Y / N / S and give that response a score as follows: Score: Y = 1 S = ½ N = 0 The score for each question then needs to be placed against the question number in the columns below. Score each mark in the following columns:

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE

Column Q Score Q Score Q Score Q Score Q Score

Question No.

3 4 5 1 6

7 8 10 2 9

14 11 15 13 17

16 12 20 19 18

21 24 22 23 25

Total

Now transfer your total scores for each column to the table below.

Column Driver Statement Score

ONE Be perfect

TWO Please (others)

THREE Hurry up

FOUR Be strong

FIVE Try Hard

The ‘driver statement’ is a summary of learned behaviour. We all have learned behaviour and it influences our actions to a greater or lesser extent, depending upon how powerfully we were given those messages, or how we reacted to or against them. There are no right or wrong answers, better or worse ways to behave, all we need to be able to do is to understand our behaviour, and sometimes that of others, in order to increase communication and reduce friction.


HURRY UP

People with hurry up styles like to do everything as quickly as they can, which means

they get a lot done. They are energised by having deadlines to meet, and they always

seem able to fit in extra tasks. They tend to be quick to come up with solutions to

problems. In a coaching relationship, they want an instant relationship, without taking

time to get to know their coach. They can’t see why there is a need to have so many

stages in the process – why can’t they go straight to the action stage? A HURRY UP

personality will work well under time pressure because their energy will be high.

For improvement a ‘Hurry Up’ needs to:

• think and plan ahead with regard to the REALITY of available time

• have short term goals with defined standards (‘bite sized jobs’)

BE PERFECT

Be Perfect people are energised by doing things right. They aim for perfection in

everything, check carefully, produce accurate work and set high standards. Sometimes

they will miss deadlines because they are still checking their work. They may have a

weak sense of priorities and insist everything is done perfectly, so they can come

across as overly critical. In a coaching relationship, they make little allowance for

human failings. They may get discouraged if they fail to live up to their own high

expectations and lose faith in a mentoring partner who makes a mistake. A BE

PERFECT personality works well in jobs where detail is important and the set

standards are important.

For improvement needs to realise that:

• less than their best may be what is needed at the early stages

• their qualities of accuracy and organisation may have a poor impact on those with different drivers

PLEASE PEOPLE

Those with a Please People style like to get on with everyone. They are energised by

the thought of approval and harmony. They make good team members because they

involve others as a way of making sure they are happy. Please People are the ones

who use their intuition to pick up when someone has doubts; they notice the little signs

and the body language that others may ignore. On the other hand, they may be

reluctant to challenge anyone in case they lose that person’s approval. In a coaching

relationship they may worry too much about gaining the approval of their mentoring

partner. They may attempt to read their partner’s mind, and then say what they think

the partner wants to hear. When they talk, they may make everything sound like a

question, so they can quickly back down if their suggestions don’t meet with instant

agreement.


A PLEASE PEOPLE personality can be the mortar that holds a team together. They

perform the 'maintenance' functions of involving people, checking and summarizing,

and will be sympathetic, empathetic, tolerant and flexible.

For improvement needs to:

• get on with things.

• let actions speak for themselves

• turn sympathy outwards not inwards

TRY HARD

Try Hard people are enthusiastic, get involved in lots of different activities, and tend to

volunteer for things. They are energised by having something new to try. Sometimes

they turn small jobs into major projects because they are so enthusiastic at following

up every angle. They may then become bored with the detailed work that follows, even

to the point of leaving work undone so they can move on to a new, exciting activity. In

a coaching relationship, Try Hards are likely to be very enthusiastic coaching partners

to begin with. They will be keen to try out the various aspects of the process. They may

even introduce ideas and activities to the coaching. However, their enthusiasm may

not translate into action. A TRY HARD personality is very good in start-up situations,

and where effort and energy to complete are needed. For improvement needs to:

• finish some things

• put some full stops into their sentences

• follow through when necessary

BE STRONG

People with Be Strong working styles pride themselves on their ability to stay calm in

any circumstances. They are energised by the need to cope. They are good at dealing

with crises, can handle difficult people, and will work steadily through any workload.

However, their desire to have everything under control means they can come across

as aloof. They are also reluctant to ask for help, even when they should, and their lack

of awareness of emotions may make them insensitive to the feelings of others. In a

coaching relationship, Be Strong coachees may find it hard to accept any help from

the mentor. Even talking about problems may be difficult, as Be Strongs are reluctant

to admit to weakness, even to themselves. A BE STRONG personality is very good at

accommodating poor conditions or putting up with things that many would find

unreasonable. For improvement needs to:

• learn to relax

• admit to being weak in some situations


VULNERABILITY

“As coaches when we show our own vulnerability, we build trust and intimacy with our

clients. The more we show our humanity, the more we invite the client to trust us. The

more the client trusts the coaching relationship, the deeper we can go in the process

and potentially create greater learning and results. Trust is the building block of the

coaching contract.

In general, when we are vulnerable, we acknowledge our shame or guilt – feelings that

we are not used to exposing to others. In working in multi-cultural environments, it is

useful to note that some cultures and ethnicities are more shame based i.e. external

sanctions; you are caught doing something perceived wrong; an example is the

Japanese practice of Hari Kari. Whereas other cultures are more guilt based i.e.

internal sanctions; whereby people beat themselves up for not meeting internal

standards they have set for themselves; an example is the concept of conscience.

Clients may say “I’ve hardly ever felt so vulnerable to another person in my life. Truth is, I spend a whole lot of energy trying not to be vulnerable. I’m also beginning to see how much not being more open more of the time costs me.” Choosing to be vulnerable—to others and to ourselves—opens us to the gift of coaching that brings about connection with the richness and vitality in life. As Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston who has studied vulnerability extensively, puts it, “I don't want to shut myself off from vulnerability because I don't want to miss out on what it brings to my life: love, creativity, joy, authenticity, courage, and hope (just to name a few).

Trust is essential to vulnerability. Someone who does not trust will not allow himself to be vulnerable. In fact, one way to define trust is the choice to make something you value vulnerable to another’s actions in the belief that it will be safe; it will not be harmed.

Creating Trust and Intimacy is one of the first four International Coaching Federation (ICF) “Core Competencies,” a key part of “Co-creating the Relationship.” Without trust, our clients will not allow themselves to be vulnerable, and without some degree of vulnerability no coaching takes place. From a coach’s perspective, the “so what” of building trust is that it creates a safe environment in which clients allow themselves to be vulnerable. But what does it mean that our clients are making something they value vulnerable? What are we asking them to be vulnerable with? What might it feel like to them to do so?

The dictionary definition of vulnerable is “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt.” In one of Brené Brown’s blog posts, she asks people to finish the sentences (try them for yourself):

Vulnerability is ____________. Vulnerability feels like ______________.


Vulnerability is rarely comfortable, even in a coaching conversation. But when our clients can trust us enough to feel safe, they will take the risk. So what can we do to build and maintain the trust of our clients so they will make themselves vulnerable to us? How can we prepare ourselves to be trustworthy of their trust?

For starters, we need to behave in ways that demonstrates sincerity— congruent

words and action, walking our talk; reliability—making promises we can and do keep,

saying no, renegotiating when necessary; competence—being consistently at our best,

continuing to improve, acknowledging our limits; and care—understanding and fully

supporting our clients’ highest and best interests. We also need to make ourselves

vulnerable to our clients, recognizing that coaches do so in different ways than clients.

For us as coaches, vulnerability consists in taking risks, trusting our intuition and a

“mutual connection with our clients, and allowing ourselves to be touched by the client

… welcoming signals that create resonance for both the coach and client." Equally

important, I believe, is that we continue to be coached ourselves. As a coachee, we

experience over and over that deep, unguarded openness. We feel both the risk and

rewards of vulnerability, and we know again what it is for our clients to be that open

with us.

Source: Charles Feltman is author of The Thin Book® of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust in the Workplace; Newfield Network Blogger

Watch the following Brene Brown videos about Vulnerability and Trust, note the

key messages here for coaches:

On Vulnerability:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqgAA2WJ2is

On Shame/gremlins:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdtabNt4S7E

On Trust/who to share with it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8Pp7QB6GrE

Remember as a coach you earn the client’s trust; the right to hear their story and the

honor of bearing the weight of their story. Trust can easily be broken so guard it as a

coach.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqgAA2WJ2is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdtabNt4S7E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8Pp7QB6GrE

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SESSION 5 TRUST AND SAFETY