Serie de Matrimonios Tim Keller

8/9/2019 Serie de Matrimonios Tim Keller

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SERIE MATRIMONIOS – TIM KELLER

Marriage

1 Marriage as Ministry Power— Ephesians 5:21–332 Overview—Marriage as Commitment— Ephesians 5:21–333 Marriage as Commitment & Priority— Ephesians 5:21–334 Marriage as Priority & Friendship— Ephesians 5:21–335 Marriage as Friendship— Ephesians 5:21–336 Marriage as Completion One Flesh— Ephesians 5:21–33! Marriage as Completion "ender #oles—Part 1— Ephesians

5:22–33

$ Marriage as Completion "ender #oles—Part 2— Ephesians5:22–33

% Marriage 'pper o( the )am*— Ephesians 5:21–33

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MARRIAGE AS

MINISTRY POWERMarriage—August 18, 1991

Ephesians 5:21–33

+,ve started prea-hing a little sermon series onmarriage. /e did 0+mmortal +nvisi*le "od Only/ise at o'r wedding. hat was o'r hymn on the wayin. On the way o't it was 0o*ody nows the ro'*le+,ve een. s yo' 7now we,re going thro'gh the

*oo7 o( 8phesians and instead o( a series o( sermons9+ don,t 7now when + started these: on 8phesians whatit really is a series o( series on 8phesians.

;e-a'se when yo' get to a parti-'lar set o( versesand see it is on a new s'*


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there is in the -ript're on how "od 'nderstandsmarriage.

/e,re going to read that and we will give an

overview o( some *asi- prin-iples 9as o(ten we dowhen we *egin:. hen we,re going to go to the )ord,sa*le and as7 him to meet with 's. >o' don,t have toworry a*o't -overing all the territory on the (irst night

*e-a'se as yo' 7now + ever ever do. )et,s loo7 at8phesians 5 and +,ll read verses 21?33. Familiar.Famo's. +t,s well@deserved.

21 '*mit to one another o't o( reveren-e (orChrist. 22 /ives s'*mit to yo'r h's*ands as to the)ord. 23 For the h's*and is the head o( the wi(e asChrist is the head o( the -h'r-h his *ody o(whi-h he is the avior. 24 ow as the -h'r-hs'*mits to Christ so also wives sho'ld s'*mit to

their h's*ands in everything.25 A's*ands love yo'r wives


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he (eeds and -ares (or it o' want to go o't andimmediately apply the te=t to yo'r li(e on Mondayand in many o( yo'r -ases that wo'ld *e rash.

Aere are some o( the reasons why we st'dy thiseven tho'gh s'-h a large n'm*er o( yo' aren,tmarried. First yo',re s'pposed to st'dy "od,s /ord

and learn what he says *e-a'se it,s there. +t,s always adanger to go to what yo' -onsider the relevant parts o(the -ript're *'t are yo' so wise as to 7now what therelevant parts o( the -ript're areD

hat,s why yo' need to


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systemati-ally instead o( going a(ter those parts yo'thin7 relate to yo'. Aow do yo' 7now what relates toyo' 'nless yo' read the whole thingD he ;i*le is

wiser than yo' are so (ilter yo'r li(e thro'gh itswisdom rather than (iltering it thro'gh yo'rs. /e,rest'dying it *e-a'se we -ame to it.

e-ondly (rom what + 'nderstand there are plenty o( yo' who are single who wo'ld -onsider marriage andare -onsidering it and wo'ld li7e to *e married.Fran7ly inordinate (ears o( marriage inordinate

longing (or marriage and there(ore inordinateresentment over not *eing married or inordinateromanti-iEing o( marriage are all things that -lo'dyo'r 'nderstanding.

here(ore when yo' try to thin7 a*o't the ('t'rewhen yo' try to loo7 at a person and say 0o + want

to marry this personD 'nless yo' are a*le to thin7-learly a*o't what marriage is 'nless yo' are a*le toloo7 at people thro'gh the lens o( the -ript're insteado( the lens o( yo'r own (ears yo'r own romanti-ismand yo'r own anger yo',re not going to *e a*le toma7e intelligent de-isions a*o't yo'r ('t're regardingmarriage at all. +t,s very very -riti-al.

+ g'ess what +,m trying to say is yo' -an apply thistea-hing on Monday. >o' -an *egin to apply itimmediately not *y getting married *'t *y *eginningto thin7 a*o't yo'r ('t're thro'gh the lens o( the-ript're instead o( thro'gh yo'r own past thro'gh

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yo'r own e=perien-es.hirdly a lot o( yo' have *een divor-ed. >o',re not

married *'t yo',ve *een divor-ed. Aere,s a greater

danger. >o' may have a more distorted 'nderstandingo( marriage than people who never have *een married.he reason (or that is *e-a'se as we,re going to see ina moment one o( the prin-iples o( marriage ismarriage is a way "od invented (or 's to deal with o'r loneliness.

lot o( people say yo' sho'ldn,t get married


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laid o't here that +,d li7e to tal7 a*o't as *eing very-riti-al to o'r 'nderstanding o( what "od saysmarriage is.

Marriage -ontrary to what a lot o( people say is notsomething a *'n-h o( people aro'nd a -ave@(ire in the)ate ;ronEe ge s'ddenly tho'ght 'p. hey didn,tsay 0+ have an ideaG --ording to the -ript'remarriage is a divine invention. here are *asi-allythree h'man instit'tions that stand -ompletely apart(rom others *e-a'se they didn,t evolve o't o( h'man

thin7ing. hey,re not a-t'ally anthropologi-al in theirso'r-es they,re theologi-al. hey are the (amily the-h'r-h and the state.

here is nothing in the ;i*le a*o't s-hools or hows-hools o'ght to r'n. here is nothing in the ;i*lea*o't -omm'nity -enters. here is nothing in the ;i*le

a*o't art galleries. here are all sorts o( great h'maninstit'tions the ;i*le doesn,t say anything a*o't./hyD he ;i*le doesn,t reg'late them. /hyD ;e-a'se"od didn,t invent them. ;'t "od invented marriage./hen yo' enter into marriage yo' enter in 'nderneathhis a'thority whether yo' will or not. )et,s ta7e a loo7 and see these (o'r *asi- prin-iples and then we,re

going to go to the )ord,s a*le and say 0O )ord helpmeG

he (irst prin-iple is a-t'ally in the verse as we seeit *e-a'se o( verse 21 and how it stands in pro=imityto the rest o( the passage. Herse 21 says 0'*mit to

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one another o't o( reveren-e (or Christ. o yo'remem*er that the passage *e(ore this passage onmarriage was a*o't how to *e (illed with the piritD

/e spent a n'm*er o( wee7s on that. hen it tells 's a person who is (illed with the pirit has these -ertain-hara-teristi-s and the last o( the -hara-teristi-smentioned is in verse 21. here are many things thatare going to *e the -hara-teristi-s o( a person (illedwith the pirit. his is the last one.

Most any -ommentator on 8phesians will tell yo'

it,s very -lear that Pa'l is not arti(i-ially *'t veryorgani-ally moving (rom this phrase 0'*mit to oneanother o't o( reveren-e (or Christ into these ne=te=amples o( relationshipsI in marriage 9*etweenh's*and and wi(e: in the (amily 9*etween parent and-hild: and then lastly in the wor7pla-e 9*etween

employer and employee:. ll o( them are o'twor7ingso( this prin-iple.he prin-iple is to s'*mit to one another o't o(

reveren-e (or Christ. >o' -an,t overloo7 that Pa'l issaying this is an ass'mption. Pa'l ass'mes i( yo',regoing to have a marriage that sings then there isalready a pirit@generated a*ility (or yo' to serve to

ta7e yo'rsel( o't o( the -enter to p't the needs o(other people ahead o( yo'rs.

he (irst prin-iple is self-centeredness is the main problem in any marriae. el(@-enteredness is themain enemy o( any marriage. he a*ility to s'*mit to

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another person ta7es the Aoly pirit o( "od. +t isimpossi*le (or some*ody who is not pirit@(illed. Pa'lis ass'ming a pirit@(illed h'mility and a*ility to serve

another person and get o't o( *eing a*sor*ed *y yo'rown pro*lems and needs. Ae,s ass'ming that as a *asis(or everything else he says a*o't marriage.

ow thin7 o( that. el(@-enteredness is the main-an-er the main enemy the main pro*lem in anymarriage. +t,s the most (o'ndational pro*lem *e-a'seit,s the (o'ndation (or any 7ind o( de-ent marriage.

+,ve had a n'm*er o( e=perien-es to remind mysel( o(this lately. lot o( people say 0Ai. >o' had a greatva-ation rightD +


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de(er yo'r desires to help another person rea-h theirdesires is not instin-tive. here,s nothing more'nnat'ral than that.

Pa'l is saying it is impossi*le 'nless the pirit o("od generates and helps yo' into a non sel(@-enteredli(e (or yo' to have a happy marriage. ;y the way thisdoesn,t mean only Christians -an have happymarriages 9that,s another s'*o' lose a tremendo's amo'nt o(-ontrol over when yo',re going to ta7e a holidaywhen yo',re going to eat and what yo',re going to eat./hyD ;e-a'se in order to *e part o( a whole in orderto *e in -on-ert in order to *e-ome part o( a greater

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'nity in order to a-t as a *ody yo' have to de(er awhole lot o( yo'r de-isions a whole lot o( yo'rwishes and whole lot o( yo'r desires. >o' have to.

on,t (orget Pa'l is not tal7ing only a*o't marriage.Ae is saying that this a*ility to enter into a *ody andno longer -hose yo'r own rights (irst to serve and p'tthe good o( the whole over yo'r own good is notsomething that is instin-tive. +t,s not something that,snat'ral and it,s something that is a*sol'tely ass'medas the (o'ndation o( marriage Pa'l says here.

)et me p't it another way. 8spe-ially those o( yo'who are married right now yo' really need to *ethin7ing 7ind o( -are('lly a*o't this at this point./hen we say sel(@-enteredness is the most('ndamental thing +,m not


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hat,s pretty *ad. he grew 'p a wo'nded personand that ma7es sense. /henever yo' tal7 to someonewho has *een really wo'nded *y signi(i-ant others in

their lives yo',ll noti-e two things a*o't them. One isthey have really *een oppressed. hey have really

*een mistreated. hey,ve *een treated 'no',ll also noti-e something else. hey are 's'allyenormo'sly sel(@-entered. hat means they are soa*sor*ed in their own pro*lems they really -an,t thin7

o( other people. +( they do thin7 o( other people theydo it in a -ompletely o*sessive way so they,re notreally meeting the needs o( other people *'t they,remeeting their own needs *y *'rning themselves o'tmeeting other people,s needs.

he (a-t is people who are wo'nded are also very

a*sor*ed. hey don,t noti-e what,s going on aro'ndthem 's'ally. hey,re too a*sor*ed in their own needsto worry a*o't any*ody else. hey -annot de(er. hey-annot s'*mit to others o't o( reveren-e. hey -an,tdo it. My real J'estion is and this is a very *ig iss'e0/hat do yo' do with a person li7e thatD

One 'nderstanding o( h'manity ass'mes all people

are nat'rally good and i( a person is sel(@-entered it,s *e-a'se they have *een wo'nded there(ore yo' don,t-hallenge them at all. >o'


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ta7en o(( o( them. hey need to ta7e -are o(themselves. hey need to *e good to themselves. heyneed to pamper themselves. here are a lot o( *oo7s

li7e that are there notDhat ass'mes sel(@-enteredness isn,t nat'ral and i(

yo',re sel(@-entered yo',ve *een a*'sed. hatass'mes it. hat,s a religio's ass'mption. o*ody -an

prove that a*o't h'man nat're. hat,s a *elie(. hat,san arti-le o( (aith and there,s a-t'ally no religion inthe world that tea-hes that e=-ept the sel(@made

religions o( o'r modern time.he other approa-h and this is the Christian

approa-h is to say as *adly wo'nded as that personhas *een their sel(@-enteredness has *een aggravated

*y their mistreatment. +t has *een aggravated terri*ly.+t has rea-hed 'p li7e a -lo'd o( smo7e that -ho7es

them and yet their sel(@-enteredness was prior to theirwo'ndedness.here(ore tho'gh they have to *e dealt with

e=tremely gently they also have to *e -hallenged tosee their sel(@-enteredness is not something that has

*een caused *y people o'tside o( them it,s


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yo' marry some*ody *e-a'se yo' o' seemore and more o( it. nother thing happens at thesame time they *egin to tell yo' a*o't how sel(ishthey thin7 yo' are.

here,s a third thing that happens and that is yo'don,t see yo'r own sel(ishness is anywhere near as *adas the other person,s. he reason (or that is yo' sit

there and yo' say 0/ell that,s tr'e. + do that. + 7now +do that *'t yo' o' -an de-ide yo'r wo'ndedness is more('ndamental than yo'r sel(@-enteredness and de-ide0Knless this person sees the pro*lems + have and ta7es-are o( me in all this way nothing is going to wor7.O( -o'rse they,re not going to do that i( they,re

thin7ing the same way a*o't yo'. o what 's'allyhappens or at least in many marriages is an emotionaldistan-e starts to develop.

/hat yo' do is yo' *argain with the other person.>o' say 0+,ll tell yo' what. ow yo' don,t do this

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o't lo'd *'t yo' *asi-ally say 0>o' don,t *'g mea*o't that and + won,t *'g yo' a*o't that. nd yo'don,t *'g me a*o't that and + won,t *'g yo' a*o't

that. hey may *e a-t'ally loo7ing pretty happilymarried a(ter 4B years *'t when yo' have theanniversary and they have to 7iss (or the photographerit,ll *e (or-ed.

ow there is another thing yo' -an do. >o' -ande-ide as a Christian verse 21 is there and yo' -ande-ide as this pro-ess *egins yo',re going to

determine to see yo'r own sel(ishness as moreimportant and more serio's than the other person,syo',re going to treat yo'r own (laws as more serio'syo',re going to a-t 'pon the sel(ishness that,s revealedto yo' or reported to yo' regardless o( what the other

person is doing.

>o',re going to treat yo'r own sel(@-enteredness asmore important more serio's. >o',re going to treat theneeds o( the other person as more important and yo'ma7e that determination. /hen two people do that aton-e yo' have the possi*ility o( a tr'ly greatmarriage. wo people who see 0el(@-enteredness mysel(@-enteredness is the main pro*lem in this

marriage. Fran7ly there,s a-t'ally a third possi*ility.One is to re('se to see that. he se-ond is to *oth do it.he third is one o( yo' does it and one o( yo' doesn,t.

Ordinarily what that means is as time goes onthere,s not an immediate response (rom the other

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person. +( yo' are the only one who de-ides 0Mysel(ishness is the thing +,m going to wor7 on yo',ll(ind as time goes on the other person will so(ten. +t

will *e easier (or that person to admit their (a'lts *e-a'se yo',re not always tal7ing a*o't them.8spe-ially i( it,s the man. +t,s very very di((i-'lt (ormen to admit 8ven when yo' 7now they got yo'red@handed yo',re


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marriage that says the real pro*lem in marriages is yo'have to get that other person to re-ogniEe yo'r

potential to develop yo'r potential. >o' -an,t let that

other person trample all over yo'. >o' have to realiEeyo'rsel(. >o' have to develop yo'rsel( in thismarriage. +( that other person won,t do it yo' have tonegotiate. +( that other person won,t negotiate yo'have to get o't.

+( the *asi- pro*lem in marriage is sel(@-enterednessthat a-t'ally may *e a pro*lem. s we -an tal7 later

on divor-e is something "od allows in -ir-'mstan-eshe o'tlines. >et i( the main pro*lem is sel(@-enteredness don,t yo' thin7 all that emphasis on sel(@development -an a-t'ally play into the hands o( itD

he Christian prin-iple is pirit@generatedsel(lessness is 9we have tal7ed a*o't this *e(ore: not

thin7ing less o( yo'rsel( or more o( yo'rsel( *'tthin7ing o( yo'rsel( less. +t,s ta7ing yo'r mind o((yo'rsel( and realiEing in Christ yo'r needs are going to

*e met and are *eing met so yo' don,t loo7 to thatother person as god and yo'r savior. person who hasthe gospel in their *lood -an t'rn aro'nd and say 0Mysel(ishness is the main pro*lem here +,m going to

wor7 on that and that,s the 7ey to everything.)et me tell yo' what the other three prin-iples are

*'t +,m going to have to *e even *rie(er *e-a'se +really do want to *ring yo' to the a*le. >o' seealready yo' have things to wor7 on. +( yo',re married

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the sel(@a*sorption the sel(@-enteredness the sel(@pitythat /hen yo'r spo'se points o't yo'r sel(ishnessand yo' say 0;'t yo' don,t 'nderstand. o*ody

7nows the tro'*le +,ve seen that,s a -an-er. +,ve saidthat *e(ore.

+t reminds me o( the pla-e where "od loo7s at Cainwho is ('ll o( sel(@pity in "enesis 4. Ae says 0Cainsin is -ro'-hing at the door. +ts desire is (or yo' *'tyo' m'st master it. here,s a prin-iple o( sel( in yo'rli(e that,s -ro'-hing at the door. +t wants to have yo'.

+t wants to po'n-e on yo'. +t wants to devo'r yo'. 0+t,s'p to yo' to do something a*o't it "od says. enyyo'rsel( to (ind yo'rsel(. )ose yo'rsel( to (indyo'rsel(. he heart o( the gospel.

+,ll


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going to hear me say things li7e this in the weddings.his little locus classicus te=t tells yo' three thingsa*o't marriage +,ll


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get married yo',re not saying how yo' (eel now.)isten to the marriage vows. >o',re not sayinganything a*o't yo'r present. >o',re not saying

anything a*o't yo'r (eeling state./hat do yo' say when yo' get marriedD >o' don,t

say 0+ love yo'. + -herish yo'. + want to give mysel( toyo'. >o' say 0+ promise to be loving. + promise to betender. + promise to be a((e-tionate. + promise to be -aring. + promise to be loyal. + promise to be (aith('l'nder any -onditions 'ntil we die. >o',re not saying

anything a*o't yo'r present. >o',re not sayinganything a*o't yo'r (eelings. >o',re tal7ing a*o't the('t're.

he essen-e o( marriage is a promise. promise isyo' ma7e an appointment with yo'rsel( in the ('t'reand yo' say 0+,ll *e there 1B years (rom now. +,ll *e

there 2B years (rom now. +,ll arrange my s-hed'le so+,ll *e there. hat,s what it means. >o' ma7e anappointment with yo'rsel( in the ('t're.

e-ondly the purpose of marriae iscompanionship. >o' will noti-e it leaves it o't in hisJ'ote. /hen he J'otes (rom "enesis 2 he says 0Forthis reason a man shall leave his (ather and mother and

-leave to his wi(e. 0For this reason /hat reasonD+( yo' go *a-7 to "enesis 2 yo',ll see the reason is hemade them male and (emale. his gets into a s'*


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to'-hes and loo7s at is good and then yo' get to thisstrange spot in "enesis 2 where it says dam -o'ldnot (ind a -ompanion. hat,s where "od says it is not

good. 8verything else in the *oo7 o( "enesis is *enedi-tion 0 it was good and it was good and it was good all the way thro'gh the early

parts o( the verses and then s'ddenly it was 0. notgood maledi-tion 9a *ad word:.

+t was not good dam wo'ld *e alone. +t,s -lear "od-reated 's with designed de(i-its. Ae -reated 's to

need -ompanionship and to need a parti-'lar 7ind o(-ompanionship that -o'ld only *e generated *etweentwo di((erent genders. ow + 7now +,m opening a loto( doors *'t +,m not going into them tonight. he 7eything is marriage was built (or -ompanionship.

he essen-e o( what it means to *e married is the

vow. he p'rpose o( the vow is (or this person to *eyo'r *est (riend. +( yo',re married and yo' have-ommitted se='al ad'ltery with some*ody else yo',vete-hni-ally *ro7en yo'r marriage vow. )isten to me.

+( yo' have some*ody else o( a di((erent gender whois a *etter (riend than yo'r spo'se to whom yo' -antal7 and share and spea7 and open and (eel li7e 0+ -an

po'r mysel( o't to that person they 'nderstand me. +(eel s'pported and li(ted 'p and 'nderstood +( yo'enter into that 7ind o( relationship +( some*ody elseo( a di((erent gender *e-omes a *etter (riend than yo'rspo'se yo',ve s'*stantially (r'strated the very

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p'rpose o( yo'r marriage.hat,s essential that,s s'*stantial intima-y. hat,s

s'*stantial 'n(aith('lness *y the way i( yo' a-t'ally

go ahead and -'ltivate that 7ind o( relationship. Mywi(e and + 7now that right now. /e 7now ad'ltery o(-o'rse is te-hni-ally the gro'nds (or divor-e andad'ltery wo'ld *e the te-hni-al *rea7ing o( o'r-ovenant. /e also 7now i( some other person o( theopposite gender *e-ame a *etter (riend than o'rspo'se at that point we wo'ld already *e 'n(aith('l to

o'rselves. /e 7now that. 8very*ody 7nows thatinstin-tively tho'gh they may not 7now itintelle-t'ally.

+t,s serio's o( -o'rse *e-a'se a lot o( times yo'don,t get married (or -ompanionship. he way yo'-hoose who yo',re going to date isn,t (or

-ompanionship. >o' wal7 into a room yo' see 1B people o( the other gender. even o( them don,t loo7ni-e yo' go (or the three most attra-tive ones 9they,rethe ones that attra-t yo':. One o( them will date yo'and event'ally yo' see i( yo' -an t'rn them into a(riend. +t -o'ld *e people who are most li7ely to *eyo'r *est (riends yo',ve already r'led o't o( yo'r li(e

*e-a'se they,re too tall or too short or too (at or toos7inny.

+( the thing that really ma7es a marriage a marriageand i( the thing that really is essential is some*odywho understands yo' some*ody who loo7s into the

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-enter o( yo'r li(e and doesn,t yawn or la'gh *'t says0/ow yo',re going a*o't yo'r dating all wrong. sa res'lt o( all that yo' get into a marriage and this

person isn,t some*ody that,s really going to *e yo'r *est (riend.

/hat happens in most sit'ations +t,s notdastardly. /hat yo' do is yo' (ind some*ody o( thesame gender who is a (ar *etter (riend than yo'rspo'se. 8ven that,s 7ind o( dangero's *'t it,s not thesame thing *e-a'se yo' don,t loo7 (or that. he

essen-e o( marriage is a promise *'t the p'rpose o(marriage is -ompanionship. 0For this reason ;e-a'se we need -ompanionship *e-a'se we,realone *e-a'se we need this 7ind o( deep sharing deepintima-y and deep -omm'ni-ation 0a man shall leavehis (ather and mother and -leave 'nto his wi(e and the

two shall *e one (lesh.)astly the priority of marriae has to be numberone. his says a man shall leave everything else and-leave to his wi(e. o one else not yo'r (ather notyo'r mother -an have a higher priority over yo'rspo'se. Marriage has to *e n'm*er one. Marriage hasthe power to set the -o'rse o( yo'r li(e as a whole.

Marriage is the vorte= o( yo'r li(e. +t has that power.>o',ve heard me say this i( yo' -ome to a wedding.

+( everything aro'nd yo' is a mess and wea7ness andyet yo'r marriage is strong it doesn,t matter yo'move o't into the world in strength. +( everything

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aro'nd yo' is strong and s'--ess('l *'t yo'r marriageis a wre-7 it doesn,t matter yo' move o't into theworld in wea7ness.

+t has the power to set the -o'rse o( yo'r li(e as awhole. +t sho'ld have priority in yo'r li(e. othing ismore important than that relationship. othing is moreimportant than that person. "od *'ilt it that way and i( yo' get into marriage and yo' a-t 'nder any other 7indo( a'spi-es or prin-iples yo' will wre-7 yo'r li(e.

/hether yo',re married or not we,re -oming to the

a*le and we see it,s o'r pride and o'r sel(@-enteredness whi-h -an only *e dealt with thro'gh thegospel *e-a'se the gospel is yo',re more wi-7ed thanyo' ever dared *elieve *'t yo',re more loved anda--epted than yo' ever dared hope. #ightD hat iswhat does a one@two on yo'r ego.

he person who thin7s too m'-h o( himsel( yo',remore wi-7ed than yo' ever dared *elieve. he personwho thin7s too little o( him or hersel( yo',re moreloved than yo' ever dared hope. he two 7inds o( sel(@-enteredness 0+,m so wonder('l or 0+,m so aw('l

*oth o( whi-h ma7e it impossi*le (or yo' to serveother people are destroyed at the (oot o( the -ross.

>o',re leveled. +( yo' want to deal with the pro*lem-ome to him now. )et,s pray.

"ather# $e’re oin to come to the Table and $e’re

oin to as% that you $ould enable us# as $e confess

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our sins# to meet you and to hear you say to us# &' $ill

restore you( ' $ill fori!e you( ' $ill rene$ you( ' $ill

turn you into a friend( ' $ill turn you into someone

$ho can lo!e and be lo!ed() That’s $hat $e as% no$(We pray it in *esus’ name# amen(

OVERVIEW—MARRIAGE ASCOMMITMENT

Marriage—August 25, 1991

Ephesians 5:21–33

/e,re going thro'gh the *oo7 o( 8phesians. /e,ve -ome to the -lassi- te=t on marriage.he most detailed the longest the most pop'lar and the most (amo's o( all the passages inthe ew estament on the s'*


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treating. hen we,ll get started and go thro'gh them seriatim (or the ne=t several wee7s.+t,s di((i-'lt (or me to always 7now 'ntil the evening is over


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/e don,t have to re-ap it *'t what this does is this ass'mes the gospel. /e,ve tal7eda*o't the gospel *e(ore. /hen we say this is a gospel@prea-hing -h'r-h what we mean is9here,s a little phrase + hope every*ody in o'r -h'r-h event'ally will 7now *y heart: thegospel is yo',re more sin('l evil and wea7 than yo',d ever dared *elieve *'t yo',re moreval'ed a--epted and loved than yo' ever dared hope. t the same time. Ch'r-hes or

instit'tions that stress how *ad yo' are witho't tal7ing a*o't gra-e those are legalisti--h'r-hes. hey,re always saying 0>o',d *etter per(orm or "od will get yo'.Permissive -h'r-hes are -h'r-hes that stress how loved and val'ed yo' are witho't

tal7ing to yo' a*o't the importan-e and the serio'sness o( sin. hey say 0"od lovesevery*ody so try yo'r *est. Ae *asi-ally a--epts every*ody no matter how yo' are. hegospel instead does not -reate a legalisti- or permissive 7ind o( message. he permissive7ind o( message is the person who says 0his is a great arrangement. "od eno' -ons-ien-e is (ramed with gra-e so it -an ta7e a -lear loo7 at itsel(. hat,s why we saythe gospel -reates a 'niJ'e 7ind o( person. 8very so o(ten we have to re-ap this *e-a'sethis is the -onte=t and *asis (or everything we say.

he gospel means on the one hand yo',re a very h'm*le person *'t yo',re *y nomeans in despair or dis-o'raged. his is all in verse 21. O't o( (ear o( Christ 7nowing whathe,s done (or yo' o't o( awe *e(ore what he,s done (or yo' on the -ross it ma7es yo' onthe one hand a strong person and on the other hand a h'm*le person so yo' -an *e an'nsel(ish person and yo' -an live in an 'nsel(ish way.

legalist -an serve *'t in a -odependent way. 0+ have to. +,m driven. + have to let people step on me. +t,s the only way +,ll ever live 'p to standards. permissive person -an *e sel(ish *'t 's'ally in an oppressive way. 0+ have my rights. >o' -an,t tell me what todo. person who 'nderstands the gospel who has the gospel in his her *lood is a personwho is strong and yet h'm*le and there(ore o't o( reveren-e (or Christ s'*mits and is a*leto serve other people and p't the needs o( other people ahead. hat,s the power o( marriage.hat is the *asis. hat,s ass'med in verse 21. 8verything else that -omes a(ter that is *'ilton this.

2. Pa'l gives 's the definition of marriae not


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(ather and his mother and shall -leave 'nto his wi(e he word clea!e is a te-hni-al -ovenantal term in the ;i*le. o clea!e means to *e

gl'ed to. +t means to *e *o'nd legally to some*ody. +t,s not simply a word that means tohold onto in some general way. +t means to *e *o'nd. +t means essentially marriage is aninstit'tion o( law. +t,s -ovenantal. +t,s designed *y "od and yo' enter marriage thro'gh a

p'*li- promise.3. /e mentioned this last wee7. his passage tea-hes 's the priority of marriae. +tsays 0here(ore shall a man leave his (ather and his mother and shall -leave 'nto his wi(e he ;i*le tea-hes 's yo'r marriage is more important to yo' than yo'r


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yo' say. /hy haven,t yo' gotten marriedD ;e-a'se yo' weren,t willing to *ind yo'rsel(li7e that. >o' weren,t willing to *e that v'lnera*le to that person.

he 'ltimate p'rpose o( marriage is oneness deep and so'l oneness. Physi-alna7edness is


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some*ody holy. hat,s what it,s there (or.The po$er of marriae# the definition# the priority# the purpose# the structure# and the

mystery( /e,re going to try to ta7e a loo7 at all o( these. /e too7 a loo7 at power last wee7.8ven tho'gh +,d li7e to say +,ll do two tonight yo' 7now *etter than that. /hat +,m goingto do now is o' -an st'dy the shoots o( it statisti-ally *'t the roots o( it are divine and yo' have tost'dy that thro'gh revelation. >o' have to see what the ;i*le says or yo',ll never'nderstand *asi-ally how it wor7s. /hat is the str'-t'ral root o( marriageD Marriage is a-ovenant. /hat is a -ovenantD co!enant is a *inding p'*li- and legal -ontra-t oragreement. hat,s how "od de(ines marriage. hat,s the essen-e o( it. + want yo' to realiEeo( -o'rse that we live in a so-iety that is anti@law and really will hate this whole idea.

+n the Old estament whenever a -ovenant is p't together the -ovenant always hasthese elements. First o( all the parties are introduced . Aere,s so@and@so and here,s so@and@so. he se-ond part o( the -ovenant always is the stipulations. 8very -ontra-t has d'ties ando*ligations. hose o*ligations are always laid o't. hese are the reg'lations o( therelationship *etween the parties. hey,re -alled stip'lations. hirdly in every *i*li-al-ovenant there is a list of the blessins and the curses.

hat means i( yo' o*ey the -ovenant and do yo'r d'ties these are all the great thingsthat will happen in yo'r li(e. +( yo' diso*ey and yo' *rea7 the -ovenant these are all the-'rses that will wor7 themselves o't in yo'r li(e. Fo'rthly yo' have the !o$s. +n some wayyo' p'*li-ly rati(y. +t doesn,t matter how. +n the Old estament one o( the ways in whi-h

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and + don,t need a pie-e o( paper to love yo' with she means 0+ (eel a((e-tion (or yo'. +(eel love (or yo'. + want yo'. he -alls that love. /hen the ;i*le tal7s a*o't love it,sthin7ing -ovenantally always. +t de(ines love not in terms o( the inside *'t in terms o( theo'tside not in terms o( yo' *'t in terms o( the other.

/hen this woman says 0+ love yo' she is right in saying yo' don,t need a pie-e o(

paper (or this. he is meas'ring her love a--ording to how m'-h she wants to re-eive (romthis person. /hen the ;i*le tal7s a*o't love it meas'res love in terms o( how m'-h yo',rewilling to give to a person. he says 0+ don,t need a pie-e o( paper to love yo'. +t meansshe de(ines love s'*


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any*ody.+( yo' thin7 that i( yo' wo'ld -ommit yo'rsel( to some*ody else li7e that that wo'ld *e

really *e s-ary that wo'ld really *e (rightening and yo' might get h'rt + s'*mit to yo'that yo',ll *e more h'rt in the long r'n i( yo' re('se to s'*mit yo'rsel( to any*ody thatway. +( yo' r'le it o't i( yo' ta7e yo'r heart so it will never *e *ro7en i( yo' never

-ommit yo'rsel( and never ma7e yo'rsel( v'lnera*le 9whi-h is really what the de(inition o(marriage is: yo'r heart will not *e *ro7en. +t will *e-ome impenetra*le and irredeema*le.>o' will e=perien-e the alienation and dislo-ation o( the modern so-iety yo' are

listening to in the news as it sings to yo' and yo' mar-h to the *eat. o-iety is ('ll o(alienated and dislo-ated people *e-a'se they,re loo7ing o't (or n'm*er one *e-a'se theyre('se to (ind love in terms o( -ommitment and what yo' will give and how v'lnera*le yo'will *e. )ove is -ovenantal. Marriage is -ovenantal. he only possi*le way yo' -an everreally e=perien-e the o',re passive. >o' -an,t help yo'rsel(. >o' get love. he *i*li-al 'nderstanding o( love islove is primarily an a-tion. /hen the ;i*le 'ses the word loveI love yo'r wi(e love yo'rh's*and and love yo'r enemies it,s 'sing the same word. Aow -an yo' love yo'r enemiesi( the *i*li-al 'nderstanding o( love is a((e-tionD >o' don,t (eel any a((e-tion (or yo'renemy.

/hen the ;i*le says love yo'r enemy that means wish yo'r enemies good do good (or yo'r enemy and even *e willing to ta7e it on the -hin to do good and to serve yo'r enemyi( yo' -an. he ;i*le doesn,t say ma7e it easier (or yo'r enemy to sin over yo'. /hat it,ssaying is ta7e the ris7 and do what yo' -an to serve yo'r enemy. he essen-e o( love is to p't the needs o( some*ody else ahead o( yo'r own. here(ore love is primarily giving. +t,san a-tion that leads to a (eeling not a (eeling (irst.

>o' learn this as a parent and it,s ines-apa*le. /hen yo' give yo'rsel( to yo'r spo'seyo' have a tenden-y to still thin7 o( love as a *argain not a -ommitment. /e,re o' -an see it in "enesis 24. *rahamwanted +saa- to have a wi(e so what did he doD Ae heard good things a*o't #e*e--a so hesent one o( his servants to ma7e a *id.

8leaEar goes over (inds #e*e--a and says to her (ather 0Aow many -amels do yo'want (or herD +( she,s *ea'ti('l we,ll give 5B -amels (or her. +( she,s not so *ea'ti('l we,llgive 25 -amels. /e say 0hat,s in-redi*leG hat,s aw('lG +t was aw('l *e-a'se womenwere *eing treated as property. /e,ve -ome so m'-h ('rther today *e-a'se now we do it toea-h other. 0he,s in the mar7et they say. 0Ae got a *ad deal. Aow in the world did heever (all (or that sales pit-hD

/hen yo' loo7 at who yo' want to marry yo' thin7 in terms o( a *argain. >o' say0+,m getting this and this and this. he,s this way and she,s this way and she,s this way.he,s a little *it this way *'t +,m this way and this way. he,s a little *etter than + e=pe-tedto get *'t she,s (alling (or me. /hat yo' do is yo' *asi-ally say 0+ thin7 + will get asm'-h o't o( this relationship as +,m p'tting in or may*e a little *it more.

>o' thin7 in terms o( a *argain. /hat happens is yo' get into these relationships andyo' get married. s + mentioned *e(ore most people thin7 o( love in terms o( what theywant. hat is


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v'lnera*le not how m'-h yo',re willing to get.>o' get into marriage and yo' (ind yo'r spo'se is not giving yo' what yo' e=pe-ted or

wanted so yo' withdraw. /hat happens is yo' say 0Ae,s not *eing the h's*and he 'sed to *e. /hy sho'ld + *e the wi(e + 'sed to *eD Ae 'sed to do this and he doesn,t anymore sowhy sho'ld + do thisD hen yo' p'll *a-7 and yo' p'll *a-7 and yo' p'll *a-7.

/hen yo' have a -hild it,s the other way aro'nd. >o'r -hild is *orn and yo'r -hilddoesn,t give yo' a thing a-ts li7e a *a*y spits on yo' *ites yo'r (inger 9l'-7ily he doesn,thave any teeth: and yo' get nothing (rom the -hild. he -hild needs yo'. he -hild needseverything. >o' have to wal7 with it. >o' have to do all these things. >o' get nothing andall yo' do is serve the -hild. he more yo' serve the -hild the more yo' love.

here,s a pla-e where some*ody said (irst the aEis 7illed the Lews *e-a'se they hatedthem. hen the aEis hated the Lews *e-a'se they 7illed them. +t wor7s *a-7wards too.First yo' love some*ody *y serving them and then yo' (ind thro'gh the servi-e yo',ve-ome to love them. >o' give and yo' give and yo' give to the 7id and the ne=t thing yo'7now yo' (ind yo'r heart a*sol'tely *o'nd 'p. he (eelings o( love (ollow the a-tion o(love.

;y the time the 7id is 1$ 1% or 2B i( that -hild is a o' give even when yo' don,t (eel li7egiving. +t,s amaEingG

his does not mean yo' -an *e in love with any*ody *e-a'se as we said one o( the *asi- prin-iples o( marriage is (riendship. One o( the most important things a*o't marriageis yo' have to (ind some*ody who 'nderstands yo' that yo' 'nderstand. here,s this deep'nity and oneness. hat has to *e there and yo' -an,t have that with


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yo'r worry.>o' were never even with yo'r parents in s'-h an intimate relationship that those

di((eren-es -reated pro*lems (or yo'. On top o( that i( they told yo' a*o't them too m'-hyo' -o'ld always leave. here was no -ovenant. here was no -ommitment. here was novow. /hen yo' get married it *rings o't the worst in yo'. /hen yo' get married yo' will

(ind *eing in that -lose o( J'arters those sins those str'-t'ral (laws will *e *ro'ght o't.he real mista7e people ma7e almost always is yo' (eel li7e the -on(li-t marriage has *ro'ght yo' into is a -on(li-t with yo'r spo'se. ot a *itG he power o( marriage ismarriage *rings yo' into a -on(rontation not with yo'r spo'se it,s with yo'rsel(. Marriage(or-es yo' to loo7 in the mirror. Marriage gets yo' *y the s-r'(( o( the ne-7 p'shes yo'r(a-e in the mirror and says 0)oo7 at these thingsG

he most wonder('l thing a*o't marriage the way marriage helps yo' es-ape (romyo'r sins is marriage is 9relatively spea7ing: an ines-apa*le relationship. >o' -an,t es yo' -an *'t it,s very hard and di((i-'lt. 8ven in this so-iety it,s to'gh. /hathappens is yo'r marriage will (or the (irst time in yo'r li(e show yo' yo'r warts and yo'r(laws in a way yo' -an,t es-ape them. >o',ll have to -ry o't to "od. >o',ll have to say0)ord only yo' -an help me and that,s the *eginning o( yo'r healing.

MARRIAGE AS COMMITMENT

PRIORITYMarriage—Se!te"#er 1, 1991

Ephesians 5:21–33

Please t'rn with me to 8phesians 5. hose o( yo' who -ome to evening servi-e 7now this is part o( a series we started 1$ years ago or so on the *oo7 o( 8phesians. /e,ve *een movingthro'gh the *oo7 o( 8phesians at the pa-e o( a geriatri- sl'g pretty m'-h. Hery very veryslowly. /e,ve -ome to the -lassi- te=t the longest the most (amo's te=t in the entire ;i*leon the s'*


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word 2! and to present her to himsel( as a radiant -h'r-h witho't stain or wrin7le or any other *lemish *'t holy and *lameless. 2$ +n this same way h's*ands o'ght tolove their wives as their own *odies. Ae who loves his wi(e loves himsel(.

2% (ter all no one ever hated his own *ody *'t he (eeds and -ares (or it


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de(ensiveness. e-ondly the ability to i!e criticism $ithout crushin and thirdly theability to fori!e people $ithout residual aner . +n other words to (orgive people and reallylet it go. hat,s what + mean *y a servant heart the a*ility to ta7e yo'r mind o(( yo'rsel(when yo',re giving -riti-ism when yo',re re-eiving -riti-ism and when yo',re (orgiving.

/here does that -ome (romD s we said last wee7 9we -an,t go *a-7 into all the pirit@

(illedness: what it means to *e pirit@(illed means the pirit o( "od is ill'minating yo'rheart and ma7ing very real to yo' the wor7 o( Les's Christ. /hen Les's, wor7 (or yo' *e-omes very real. he e=ample that always -omes to my mind is when + tal7ed to that 16@year@old girl years ago in my -h'r-h. he didn,t have any dates. o*ody was as7ing hero't.

he said 0>eah +,m a Christian. + 7now +,m going to live (orever in heaven. + 7nowLes's loves me and -ares (or me. + 7now he died (or me. + 7now he gave himsel( (or me. +7now he lives in me. + 7now +,m his -hild. + 7now + have his ear. + 7now he -om(orts meand will ta7e -are o( me. ;'t what good is all that i( yo' don,t have any datesD

he wasn,t J'ite that eloJ'ent *'t at that moment she was saying 0+ntelle-t'ally +7now what Les's has done (or me. ;'t right now my heart is overwhelmed with the *ea'tyo( the prospe-t o( *eing a desira*le woman. hat,s what she was saying. 0/hereas when +thin7 a*o't the (a-t Les's loves me and -ares (or me that doesn,t thrill me. ;eing pirit@(illed means yo',re in to'-h with reality. #eality is who -ares what a drippy 16@year@old *oy thin7s a*o't yo' when the ing o( the 'niverse says 0>o' are mine and + will standwith yo' and (or yo' (or all eternityD

/hat 7ind o( a*sol'tely insane person -o'ld possi*ly p't those two things 'p againstone another and have the pimply@(a-ed 16@year@old winD >et there,s no*ody in this roomwho hasn,t *een thro'gh that. /hat does it mean to *e pirit@(illedD +t means yo'r head ison straight. >o',re in to'-h with reality and yo' realiEe what Les's Christ has done (or yo'is everything. he ;i*le says every h'man *eing is religio's. +t says this in #omans 1.here,s a systemi- religio's str'-t're to every*ody,s li(e.

8very one o( 's down deep inside has a way in whi-h we thin7 i( we *ehave thingsthat i( we get to them then we,ll *e ('l(illed then we,ll have nirvana then we,ll *e saved.8very one o( 's says 0+ will *e a*le to a--ept mysel( i( + get this. /e,ve tal7ed a*o't this *e(ore. 8very h'man *eing #omans 1 says has some (orm o( religion something theyworship something they say 0+( + get that then +,ll *e all right. he gospel says not yo'r per(orman-e not s'--ess not relationship not love none o( those things will ever satis(yyo'.

>o' -an 7now who yo' are and *e se-'re when yo' realiEe Les's Christ has died (oryo' and yo',re resting in what he,s done (or yo'. /hen that happens and when yo' see thewor7 o( Les's Christ (or yo' when yo',re pirit@(illed that gives yo' the a*ility to s'*mitto one another o't o( reveren-e (or Christ. /hen it says in verse 21 0 o't o( reveren-e(or Christ 9literally o't o( (ear o( Christ: yo' -an s'*mit and yo' get this 'nsel(ishness *e-a'se Christ is real to yo' yo',re -ontin'ally in awe *e(ore the reality o( him.

Aow -an yo' re-eive -riti-ism witho't *eing -r'shed in yo'r marriage 9or anywhere:Dhe way is *e-a'se in yo'r heart yo',re thin7ing thisI 0Les's is my priest. Les's is my(riend. Les's is my ing. Les's is my *rother. + -an handle this. Ae loves me. Ae -ares (orme. Ae,ll show me. >o' -an ta7e -riti-ism witho't *eing destroyed. >o' have a -radle o(se-'rity (or yo'r moment o( great v'lnera*ility.

Aow -an yo' give -riti-ism witho't -r'shingD >o' thin7 li7e this 0+ am a sinner. +sho'ld *e -ast o((. >o',re 'sing the gospel on yo'rsel(. 0;'t gentle Les's has p't 'p with

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me (or so long. Ae -ontin'ally shows me the tr'th and + -ontin'ally t'rn my *a-7 on him *'t *it *y *it he,s -oa=ed me and he,s *een patient with me and he,s *ro'ght me along.Aow then -o'ld + *e any harsher with this person than he,s *een with meD

ome*ody is o't there saying 0're s're. +( yo'r wi(e yells at yo' and yo',re sittingthere thin7ing a*o't Les's Christ as yo'r *rother and yo'r (riend and yo'r -radle o(

se-'rity in the moment o( greatest v'lnera*ility +n the *eginning when yo',re trying toreorient yo'r li(e when yo',re see7ing to live yo'r li(e and have yo'r relationships livingo't o( the matri= o( servanthood o't o( the matri= o( the gospel yo' do have to tal7 toyo'rsel( li7e that.

+ want yo' to realiEe this is not a mindset yo' -an t'rn on this wee7 right away. >o',d *etter get started now *e-a'se it ta7es time. + tried to re(er to this in a sermon in one o( theearlier servi-es. +t goes li7e this. Most o( yo' realiEe 9+ g'ess: that when +,m prepared +J'ote (rom all sorts o( people. /hen +,m not prepared (or a sermon + o' o' 7now what it,s li7eto do that. nother g'y is "eorge /hite(ield. + have


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+t,s s'n7 down in there. +t,s part o( yo'. >o',re thin7ing li7e he thin7s. >o' loo7 at yo'rsel( thro'gh his eyes. >o' loo7 at the world thro'gh his eyes.

+t,s only when yo',ve ta7en the time thro'gh prayer thro'gh ;i*le st'dy thro'gh-oming to worship thro'gh re(le-tion thro'gh meditation thro'gh (ellowship with otherChristians and -ontin'ally tal7ing a*o't these things together. s time goes on it sin7s and

it sin7s 'ntil the gospel dwells in yo' ri-hly.8vent'ally that will *e-ome the power in all yo'r relationships and the power (ormarriage. he a*ility to s'*mit to one another to really (orgive to give -riti-ism witho't-r'shing and to ta7e -riti-ism witho't *eing -r'shed is only possi*le i( yo' *elieve inLes's. + don,t


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di((eren-e. here(ore even in this -'lt're whi-h is deathly a(raid o( o*ligation and-ommitment and responsi*ility and dis-ipline +t li7es to tal7 a*o't sel(@realiEation andsel(@a-t'aliEation and growth and potential *'t it hates tal7ing a*o't dis-ipline ands'*mission and o*ligation this is the pla-e in whi-h the Christian 'nderstanding o(marriage has a head@on -ollision with so-iety.

>o' sho'ld not give yo'rsel( to some*ody 'nless yo' have that 7ind o( promise and'nless yo',re willing to give them that 7ind o( promise. +( yo',re not willing to ma7e a permanent e=-l'sive p'*li- legal -ommitment to share yo'r entire li(e with some*odythen yo' don,t really love them eno'gh to *e married and the ;i*le says yo' sho'ld notgive yo'rsel( to that person 'ntil that person is willing to ma7e that promise to yo' and yo'are willing to ma7e that promise to that person. hat,s the de(inition. +t,s 7ind o( s-ary *'tthere it is.

+ m'st tell yo' a n'm*er o( people J'estioned me a*o't it. he impli-ations o( this ideathat marriage is a -leaving 9that,s in verse 32: it,s that p'*li- -ommitment and essentiallylove is a -ommitment there(ore. ome*ody says 0>o',ve de@romanti-iEed marriage in myeyes. /hat does that meanD /hat did + say last wee7D + said there(ore the essen-e o( loveis a -ommitment. )ove is an a-tion (irst. +t,s a -ommitment to invest yo'rsel( in another person and meet their needs. +t,s a (eeling se-ond.

One o( the weird things a*o't *e-oming a pastor is when yo' *e-ome a pastor (or the(irst time in yo'r li(e yo' are *o'nd and o*ligated to *e (riends with all sorts o( people whoyo' really wo'ldn,t -hoose to *e (riends with. + don,t really 7now o( any*ody else who,so*ligated. o-tors (or e=ample have to treat people they wo'ldn,t ordinarily li7e *'t theydon,t have to li7e them. hey don,t have to *e (riends with them.

+ don,t 7now any*ody else who *asi-ally s'ddenly gets a *ody o( people and the o' wo'ld *e s'rprised at how sele-tive yo' are. People who yo' don,t li7e thatm'-h yo' o' don,t go to see them at three in the morning. One o( things + (o'ndinteresting in my earliest days athy and + moved into a new sit'ation. + got a o' o',re not J'ite the same. >o' don,t have the sameinterests. here,s no spar7.

+t doesn,t matter i( there,s no spar7. his person is a mem*er o( the -h'r-h. >o',re the pastor in a small town. his person has a pro*lem yo',re there. his person is in thehospital yo',re there. his person has to tal7 to yo' at two in the morning yo',re there.his person,s son r'ns away yo' get in the -ar and go -hase him. his man,s wi(e has r'no't on him yo' get in the -ar and go (ind her.

hat,s the way it is to *e a pastor espe-ially in a small town and in a small -h'r-h. >o'invest yo'rsel(. >o' give. >o' do the a-tions o( love (or people who yo' really have no parti-'lar a((inity with. hen a(ter a -o'ple o( years a *ig s'rprise -omes to athy. 8very-o'ple o( months +,d ta7e a day o((. On the day o(( she wo'ld say 0/hat do yo' want todoD /hat do yo'


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+ wo'ld say 0)et,s have Lohn and Mary oe over. he wo'ld say 0/hyD /hy in theworld wo'ld yo' want to have Lohn and Mary oe overD hat,s wor7 isn,t itD he reasonyo' see Lohn and Mary oe every*ody 7nows all the pro*lems they have and howo*no=io's they are and the di((i-'lties they have. /hen yo' don,t have to *e with Lohn andMary oe why in the world wo'ld yo' -hoose to *e with Lohn and Mary oeD

+ realiEed +,d -ome to li7e them. + was the only person in town who li7ed them *'t +really did li7e them. /as it o',re p'tting time whi-h is tremendo'sly val'a*le. >o',re p'tting emotion whi-h is tremendo'sly val'a*le.

>o' invest and invest in that person and o( -o'rse yo' may still (eel a hostility i( that person a*sol'tely tramples yo' and is very -r'el and harsh. hat,s not what 's'allyhappens. Ks'ally yo' (ind that people who aren,t terri*ly lovely i( yo' love them yo' will-ome to love them. +,m 'sing the word love in an eJ'ivo-al way. he way the modernso-iety thin7s o( love yo',re thin7ing o( a (eeling. hat,s not the way the ;i*le ever 'sesthe word love.

>o' love them and yo' -ome to li7e them. >o' invest in them and yo' (ind they getlovelier and lovelier to yo'. +,m trying to tell yo' this. >o' don,t go ahead and get marriedto some*ody who yo' don,t li7e *'t + -an g'arantee yo' this. /hoever yo' marry yo' will(all o't o( li7e with. +t is an a*sol'te ne-essity. ot only that yo' will start to (all o't o(li7e with that person in most -ases *e(ore yo' marry them in the -o'rtship or in theengagement. hat,s where most people say 0+ g'ess + sho'ldn,t marry this person. +,ve(allen o't o( li7e with them.

Friends yo'r emotions -ome and go. +( the essen-e o( marriage is a -ovenant a-ommitment then yo' will (ind that in spite o( the (a-t yo' 7ind o( love this person yo'(eel a lot (or them yo' might *e attra-ted to them yo',re great (riends the (a-t is yo'remotions will -ome and go. t a -ertain point a marriage or even a potential marriage willnot wor7 'nless yo' ma7e a de-ision to invest in that person.

/hen yo' (ind that yo'r heart gets dry and yo' loo7 at the person and yo' don,t (eelany parti-'lar li7e yo' invest in them yo' give to them yo' love them yo' are tenderyo' are -herishing yo' listen and yo' serve. /hat it does is it gets yo' thro'gh dry times. ot only that *'t it *egins over the years to eliminate the dry times. hat,s not the waymost o( 's do it.

/hen the dry times -ome and we (all o't o( li7e we start to say 0+ g'ess this isn,t theone (or me. oes that de@romanti-iEe marriageD o. o yo' want a marriage that singsD/hat yo' do is yo' de-ide to love. hat,s the way it has to go. +t starts with roman-e. +t

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will end in despair 'nless at some point yo' ma7e a de-ision to invest. 0For where yo'rtreas're is there will yo'r heart *e also.

3. The priorit of marriage

his is a-t'ally the shortest o( all o( the topi-s. hat,s the reason + tho'ght + -o'ld get awaywith the longer re-ap. he priority o( marriage whi-h is the one thing + o' live with it (orever. /hat -o'ld *e a more pro(o'nd and more primary andmore (o'ndational relationship than the relationship *etween a parent and a -hildD "odserves noti-e in "enesis 2I2B and right here in 8phesians 5I31 where he says 0 a manwill leave his (ather and mother and *e 'nited to his wi(e Ae,s serving noti-e. Ae,ssaying it in the strongest possi*le way.

Oriental and sian readers who originally read this were pro*a*ly sho-7ed *y it. >o',renot sho-7ed *y it *'t yo' sho'ld *e. /hat it,s saying is "od did not p't a parent and a-hild in the garden. Ae p't a man and a woman in the garden a h's*and and wi(e. /hatthat means is the primary relationship in yo'r li(e on-e yo' get married has to *e yo'rmarriage. he primary person has to *e yo'r spo'se. o other person sho'ld yo' *einvesting more time and money and energy and -reativity and emotion in than yo'r spo'seand in that relationship.

+t -omes o't a -o'ple o( ways. +t says (or e=ample in verse 2$ 0 h's*ands o'ght tolove their wives as their own *odies. >o' 7now yo'r health is (o'ndational to everythingyo' do. +( yo' de-ide to p't yo'r wor7 ahead o( yo'r health what happensD +( yo' de-ide0+t,s more important (or me to get this o' move o't into the world in strength. +( everything aro'nd yo' is strong *'t yo'rmarriage is wea7 it doesn,t matter what,s o't there. >o' move o't into the world inwea7ness. >o'r marriage is the -enter o( everything. +t,s the vorte= o( yo'r li(e. +( yo'negle-t it yo',ll lose everything. here(ore when Pa'l says here 0 a man will leave his(ather and mother what he,s really simply saying is *e really -are('l that nothing -omes *e(ore yo'r marriage in yo'r li(e or it will introd'-e tremendo's misery and pathology into

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yo'r li(e./hat are the things that -an -ome *e(ore yo'r spo'seD One o( -o'rse is mentioned

right here. >o'r (ather and mother 9+,ll tal7 to yo' a*o't that in a min'te:. >o'r -areer. P'tyo'r -areer *e(ore yo'r spo'se and what happensD >o' lose *oth. nother one is yo'r-hildren and this is a parti-'larly *ad one today. ;e-a'se the marriages are so *ad more

and more people are getting their primary emotional and personal n'rt're thro'gh the parent@-hild relationship instead o( the h's*and@wi(e relationship.+( yo'r -hildren -ome *e(ore yo'r spo'se i( yo' love yo'r -hildren more than yo'r

spo'se i( yo' get more o't o( yo'r -hildren and their love than yo' get o't o( love (or yo'r spo'se that *rea7s the *i*li-al prin-iple. ;i*li-al prin-iples *ite *a-7G /hen yo' *rea7them they *rea7 yo'. +t,s not li7e this is *'sywor7 that "od o' don,t tal7 to them all o( the time.

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>o',re not (inan-ially dependent on them.;'t there are other sorts o( ways. /hen the ;i*le says 0 a man will leave his (ather

and mother and *e 'nited to his wi(e it is saying yo' have to leave *ehind old (amily patterns and in a sense it is saying marriage is a (resh start. One o( the great things a*o'tthe *i*li-al tea-hing on marriage is it is a (resh start. +t,s new.

>o' do not -ome into yo'r marriage saying 0his is the way it was done. his is theway + was raised. his is the way men operate as (ar as +,m -on-erned *e-a'se that,s theway we always did it in my (amily. his is women,s wor7 *e-a'se this is the way it was inmy (amily. his is the way people related. hat,s the way it was.

+( yo' -ome in li7e that yo' haven,t le(t and yo',re going to have all 7inds o( pro*lems. +t,s pretty s'*tle. +,ll give yo' an e=ample. +n athy,s (amily her (ather helpedher mother -onstantly. Aer (ather 'sed to help her mother with the -hores that had to dowith the -hildren. Ae wo'ld -hange diapers ta7e -are o( the mess (eed them -lean 'p andthat sort o( thing. Ae helped her that way and she heard her mother say 0his is how yo'r(ather loves me. Ae helps me with the -hildren.

+n my (amily my (ather never ever ever was as7ed *y my mother to do any o( those7inds o( -hores. Ae never even saw the inside o( a dirty diaper. Ae didn,t even 7now whatwas in there. Ae had vag'e ideas. Ae had seen do-'mentaries and things li7e that *'t apart(rom that +,m not s're either o( 's heard o'r mothers say this o't lo'd *'t + heard mymother say 0his is how + love yo'r (ather. Ae wor7s hard. Ae wor7s long ho'rs. Ae provides well (or the (amily.

My mother did not wor7 o'tside the home. 0o when yo'r (ather -omes home + don,tas7 him to do those things. + ta7e -are o( these things. + heard her say that. o now thesetwo people athy and im get married. 8verything,s (ine 'ntil the (irst -hild -omes along.hen one day +,m sitting there with the -hild and + noti-e a ('nny smell. + say 0athy the7id needs to *e -hanged.

athy says something +,ve also heard also said aro'nd her (amily whenever a -hild is(o'nd to have a dirty diaper 0Finders 7eepers. /hat that means aro'nd her (amily is0on,t loo7 at me. >o' have the -hild. >o',re a parent. +,m a parent. Come on. +,m (i=ing ameal here. /hat do yo' want me to doD >o' have it. /hat,s the *ig dealD

+t was a *ig deal *e-a'se when + heard her demanding 0/hy don,t yo' o' 7now what yo',re doing she didn,t o' -an (ail to leave yo'r (ather and mother i( yo' hate them *e-a'seyo',re still *eing -ontrolled *y them.

Aere,s the man who says 0+,ll never ta7e my 7ids to -h'r-h *e-a'se my (ather alwaysinsisted on ta7ing me to -h'r-h even tho'gh + hated it. Ae (or-ed me every wee7 'ntil + was1% years old. +,m never going to ta7e my -hildren to -h'r-h instead o( him thin7ing 0+s

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this -h'r-h tr'eD +s it rightD +s it good (or my 7idsD +nstead o( thin7ing a*o't this on itsown merits he,s -ontrolled *y his (ather. Ae,s not doing something *e-a'se his (ather didit.

woman who says 0+ will not lay a hand on my -hildren *e-a'se my mother *eat me'nmer-i('lly. +nstead o( sitting down and saying 0/o'ld -orporal p'nishment *e a good

idea or not she -an,t do it *e-a'se her mother did it. ome*ody says 0+,m never going tomarry her *e-a'se she reminds me o( my mother. +,m never going to marry him *e-a'se hereminds me o( my (ather. o whatG >o',re still *eing -ontrolled *y thatD >o' leave yo'r(ather and mother and yo' -leave to yo'r wi(e. Marriage is a (resh start. Marriage is avehi-le o( redemption.

Marriage is so m'-h li7e salvation that Pa'l starts event'ally 9we -an,t loo7 at it now *'t later: to say 0he more + thin7 a*o't marriage and the more + thin7 a*o't the dynami-so( marriage the more + have to thin7 a*o't salvation and how we,re redeemed.#edemption is a (resh start. Old things are passed away. ;ehold the new has -ome. + 7nowthis all so'nds very psy-hologi-al and deep. >o',re s'pposed to thin7 a*o't yo'r parents, patterns and yo' sho'ldn,t impose yo'r parents, hat,s real modern isn,t itD o it,snot. +t,s an-ient.

he ;i*le,s wisdom was here *e(ore psy-hotherapy and it was saying long ago 0 aman will leave his (ather and mother and *e 'nited to his wi(e Marriage has the powerto set the -o'rse (or yo'r li(e as a whole. >o' -annot negle-t it. +t has the power to -hangeyo'. +t has the power to show yo' who yo' are. +t has the power to tear yo' down and thenevent'ally *'ild yo' 'p.

Friends i( yo' are married and yo' are getting s-ared *y the things +,m saying yo',resaying 0/hat have + gotten mysel( intoD + want yo' to 7now marriage is not a h'maninvention to ma7e yo' happy. hat,s what yo',re going to hear. Marriage is not a h'maninvention to ma7e yo' happy so i( it,s not ma7ing yo' happy anymore yo'


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MARRIAGE AS PRIORITY $RIEN%S&IP

Marriage—Se!te"#er 8, 1991

Ephesians 5:21–33

'rn to 8phesians 5. tarting somewhere in 'g'st 9+ g'ess a*o't three wee7s ago this isthe (o'rth wee7 o*vio'sly: we have *een loo7ing at this passage in 8phesians 5. /e,reloo7ing at verses 22?32 whi-h is really may*e the -lassi- te=t in the whole ;i*le onmarriage. /e,re spending a*o't si= to eight wee7s loo7ing at this s'*


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2% (ter all no one ever hated his own *ody *'t he (eeds and -ares (or it


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wee7s ago *'t it,s always a help('l thing to remind people not only the married people *'tespe-ially the singles. + thin7 a -o'ple o( wee7s ago + tried to show yo'. + said 0+( there areso many single people here in the evening why sho'ld + spea7 on marriageD he answer isyo' don,t 7now how to go a*o't de-iding whether to *e married or who to *e married to'nless yo' 7now what the he-7 marriage is.

>o' 7now Les's says *e(ore a man goes and *'ilds a tower he -o'nts the -ost. Ae7nows what it -osts. ;e(ore a 7ing goes o(( to war he -o'nts the -ost. Ae 7nows what itwill entail. >o' -an,t go o(( to war 'ntil yo' 7now what it means and what it entails and soon. >o' -an,t even ma7e a de-ision a*o't *eing married 'nless yo' 'nderstand somethinga*o't what the ;i*le says marriage is.

Aere,s one o( them. he de(inition o( a marriage we said is a -ovenant. +t,s a p'*li- promise. #emem*er thisD his is something worth remem*ering. he essen-e o( a marriageis a permanent and e=-l'sive legal -ommitment to share yo'r entire li(e with someone else.8very single -h'r-h every tradition 9Orthodo= Catholi- Protestant the Lewish traditionthe +slam tradition: all these religions agree on this.

Knless yo' have someone who is willing to give yo' a promise li7e that and that same person yo' are willing to give a promise to yo' m'stn,t give yo'rsel( to that person.Marriage is a permanent e=-l'sive legal -ommitment to -ompletely share yo'r li(e withsome*ody else. +( yo' don,t have a promise li7e that or yo',re not willing to give a promiseli7e that yo' don,t really love that person eno'gh to *e married to them.

he modern way o( tal7ing a*o't love is totally di((erent. +t has a -ompletely s'*


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marriage need to -onsider this.Aere,s one Christian writer who says 0People get (rom *oo7s the idea that i( yo' have

married the right person yo' may e=pe-t to go on *eing in love, (orever. s a res'lt whenthey (ind they are not they thin7 this proves they have made a mista7e and are entitled to a-hange )et the thrill go—let it die away—go on thro'gh that period o( death into the

J'ieter interest and happiness that (ollow—and yo' will (ind yo' are living in a world o(new thrills all the time.;'t i( yo' de-ide to ma7e thrills yo'r reg'lar diet and try to prolong them arti(i-ially

they will all get wea7er and wea7er and (ewer and (ewer and yo' will *e a *oreddisill'sioned old man (or the rest o( yo'r li(e. +t is *e-a'se so (ew people 'nderstand thisthat yo' (ind so many middle@aged men and women ma'ndering a*o't their lost yo'th

ow what he is saying is (ran7ly the thrill yo' 's'ally -all *eing in love is *asi-ally anego 7i-7. 0Aere is some*ody who + thin7 is admira*le to other people and he or she digsme. /ell that,s eno'gh to give yo' a 7ind o( r'sh (or a while several wee7s at least. henevent'ally yo' will *egin to realiEe there,s a de-ision that has to *e made. >o' have tomove on and let the thrills die and realiEe the more yo' a-t loving the more yo' give themore yo' serve the more yo' will (ind yo'rsel( (alling tr'ly in love.

here has to *e a death o( the thrills to move on into real love. lot o( people neverever let that happen or i( they do happen they thin7 it,s pathologi-al. 0+,ve made a terri*lemista7e. )ove is a -ommitment first . +t,s a -ommitment to serve people (irst. )ove is ana-tion (irst that leads to (eelings not a (eeling that leads to an a-tion.

/e loo7ed at the power o( marriage. /e loo7ed at the de(inition o( marriage. )ast wee7 we loo7ed at the priority o( marriage. ow + got a lot o( J'estions a(terwards. he priorityo( marriage. +t says 0For this -a'se shall a man leave his (ather and mother and shall-leave to his wi(e hat means very -learly that no other relationship is more('ndamental. o other relationship is more ('ndamental than a relationship *etween ah's*and and a wi(e. +t,s the primary relationship.

Father mother -hild relationship is se-ondary. here(ore yo'r spo'se and yo'rmarriage have to *e the n'm*er one priority. +t has to -ome *e(ore yo'r -areer. +t has to-ome *e(ore yo'r (riends. +t has to -ome *e(ore yo'r -hildren. hat,s a very hard oneespe-ially nowadays. +t really is. +t has to -ome *e(ore anything else.

(terwards + got a n'm*er o( J'estions a*o't this. ome*ody -ame 'p and said to me0ll right. /hat i( the man thin7s he is p'tting his marriage (irst *'t the woman thin7s he isnotD Aow do yo' solve thatD Or 0/hat i( the woman thin7s she is p'tting her marriage(irst and the man thin7s she isn,tD Aow do yo' solve thatD +t,s simple. +( one personthin7s the marriage is (irst and the other person thin7s it,s not then it,s not. +t,s simple.

>o' see when some*ody says to yo' 0>o',re not p'tting me (irst in yo'r li(e yo'-an,t say 0Oh yes + am. +t,s a little *it li7e saying 0>o' have a sweater on *'t + 7nowyo',re still -old. P't another sweater on. >o' have to say 0Aow do yo' 7now i( +,m -oldD+,m the one who 7nows +,m -old. ow + 7now there are people who are dist'r*ed. + 7nowthere are people who -an *e-ome hysteri-al. + 7now there are people who -an *eirrationally


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-omm'ni-ation pro*lem *y de(inition.+sn,t that rightD >o' have to *oth agree the marriage is o7ay or it,s not. o p't yo'r

marriage (irst means *oth o( yo' have to -ontin'ally re-he-7 and say 0+s the marriagegoodD oes it have the priority that it,s s'pposed to haveD +( yo' don,t give yo'r marriageyo'r priority it was *'ilt (or that and + tell yo' yo' disregard this *i*li-al prin-iple at yo'r

peril. "od,s laws *ite *a-7. +( yo' *rea7 them they *rea7 yo'. +t,s o' enter into marriage and yo' p't it se-ond it will destroy yo'./e also said going on a little ('rther what it really means is when two people get

together everything is negotia*le e=-ept what the ;i*le says in the marriage. hat meanswhen yo' leave yo'r (ather and mother that means yo' are a new 'nit. ow we,re gettinginto the new topi- whi-h is the purpose o( marriage. he ;i*le says two people -ometogether to *e-ome one. One (lesh. hat is a*o't as strong a statement as the ;i*le -o'ldma7e.

here,s a pla-e in the ;i*le where "od says 0 + will po'r o't my pirit on all (lesh./hat does that meanD Only my *ody is going to get it *'t not my so'lD + mean what doesthat meanD he word flesh does not o' are 'niJ'e. >o' are *oth 'niJ'e. ow together yo' *e-omea-t'ally li7e a new -ompo'nd. >o' are not


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everything else and -leave to his wi(e. ow we,ve already *'ilt the *ridge into the new topi-. he new topi- is what the

purpose o( marriage is. /e,ve loo7ed at the power and the de(inition the priority o(marriage. /hat,s the p'rpose o( itD he p'rpose o( marriage. ome o( yo' have heard memention this in passing many times + hope. onight +,m going to try to give yo' a -loser

de(inition.he p'rpose o( marriage is (riendship -ompanionship. >o'r spo'se has to *e yo'r *est(riend or yo' don,t have a marriage. + 7now that,s not traditional *'t it,s *i*li-al. + 7nowtraditionally it happens many times +t,s very very normal in many -ases (or yo' to havea pretty good (riend who may even *e o( the opposite se= *'t the person doesn,t t'rn yo'on yet yo' (ind yo' -an share yo'r heart a lot more with that person or yo' -an 'nderstandthat person. hat person 'nderstands yo'. hat person is not yo'r *ody type. >o',re notattra-ted to them.

hen along -omes some*ody who o' 7now doggone well yo',re nowhere near asgood a (riend with that person o( the opposite se= as yo' were (riends with the other persono( the opposite se=. >o',re in a lot o( tro'*le. +,m not saying yo' have to marry the personwho is yo'r *est (riend *'t that person *i*li-ally is a (ar (ar (ar *etter -andidate (or ahappy marriage than the one it loo7s li7e yo',re on the road to marrying.

his is o' 7now yo'r *est man is 's'ally yo'r *est (riend. +t t'rned o't in this-ase the g'y,s *est (riend was a girl. o he as7ed her to stand there *y him and give the ringand all that.

)isten + have no pro*lem (ran7ly with that (rom any 7ind o( Christian point o( view. +have a pro*lem with that *e-a'se o( what it tells me a*o't his 'nderstanding o( marriage.Ae married a se= o*


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li7e The irty oen. here are a whole slew o( movies that go li7e this. Aere are a *'n-ho( g'ys and they hate ea-h other *e-a'se they,re so di((erent. >o' 7now one o( them is aAarvard g'y and one o( them is an e=@-onvi-t. hey don,t li7e ea-h other. hey don,t getalong.

he early part o( the movie sets 'p all the tensions and all the -on(li-ts and how

di((erent they are and yet they develop the same vision. One way or the other they alldevelop 9may*e 'nderneath a parti-'lar leader: a -ommon goal. hey all start to loo7 to thesame horiEon. 0/e have to ta7e Por7 Chop Aill. Or 0/e have to o' say 0Aey this is great. >o' have no ideaa*o't what it means to


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along the way to o((er one another 'p and to -leanse one another with the washing o( water o( the /ord. >o' loo7 at that other person and yo' say 0+ see 'nderneath yo'r (laws'nderneath yo'r imper(e-tions 'nderneath yo'r wea7nesses 'nderneath yo'rdependen-ies. +( yo' don,t see those (laws and wea7nesses and dependen-ies yo',re noteven in the game.

0+t,s 'nderneath that + see something a*sol'tely ravishing that "od is ma7ing yo' into. +see (lashes o( immortality. + see (lashes o( glory. + want to *e part o( helping yo' to *e-omethe person "od wants yo' to *e. + see yo'r potential. + want to *e part o( that and + 7nowyo' -an do that to me too.

/e want to present one another *e(ore the throne spotless and witho't *lemish. /hentwo Christians 'nderstanding this stand *e(ore the minister all de-7ed o't in their weddingd'ds they realiEe what they,re doing is they,re playing dress 'p. Aave yo' ever seen little7ids get D Aere,s a little *oy and a little girl and they get into the daddy and themommy,s o't(its. hey loo7 7ind o( silly in them *e-a'se yo' see they,re not *ig eno'ghthey,re not wise eno'gh they,re not mat're eno'gh to really do it (or real.

/hen yo' get in (ront o( the minister all done 'p in yo'r wedding d'ds what yo',rereally saying is 0omeday *illions o( years (rom now we,re going to stand *e(ore thethrone and o'r so'ls and o'r -hara-ter are going to *e witho't spot and *lemish.

"od is going to loo7 at 's and going to say /ell done good and (aith('l servants.Over the years yo' li(ted one another to me. >o' sa-ri(i-ed (or one another. >o' held oneanother 'p with prayer and with than7sgiving. >o' -on(ronted one another. >o' re*'7edone another. >o' h'gged and yo' loved one another and -ontin'ally p'shed one anothertoward me. ow loo7 at yo'. >o',re radiant. >o',re presenta*le to me witho't spot and *lemish.,

/hen two people get 'p there in (ront o( the minister and they,re *oth Christians theyrealiEe *illions o( years (rom now they,re going to *e standing alongside o( ea-h other withthe o',re -ommitted to the other person,s honesty and -ommitted to the other person,s -ompassion and all those things.

hat,s yo'r o',re not really really doing it. ow loo7. /hat does this mean in pra-ti-alityD Aere are a -o'ple o( pra-ti-al appli-ationsi( all this is tr'e.

1. !ow do o" go a#o"t $hoo%ing a %po"%e&

Aow do yo' go a*o't -hoosing a mateD + have a *one to pi-7 with most o( yo' singles onthis point. ome o( yo' +,ve pi-7ed it with yo' in person. >o' see here,s how yo' go a*o'tloo7ing (or someone to marry. >o' wal7 into a room. here are 2B people o( the oppositegender. he (irst thing yo' do is whatD he (irst thing yo' do is yo' r'le o't a*o't 1! o(

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them./hy are yo' r'ling them o'tD hey,re not sli-7 loo7ing. hey,re not -ool loo7ing.

hey,re not (et-hing. hey don,t t'rn yo' on. hey,re not yo'r *ody type. hey,re not polished loo7ing. hey,re too tall or too short or too (at or too thin. heir (a-e o'start with a 7i-7. >o' start with the a((e-tion in a sense. >o' start with the eros. +,m tal7inga*o't Christians. +,m not tal7ing a*o't people who simply o' start with (riendship. >o' start with it. ;y that + meanyo' start (inding o't 0oes this person have a -ommon visionD oes this person have-ommon passionsD +s this person loo7ing (or the same horiEonD +s there depth in this personD

hat,s what yo',re loo7ing (or. 0+s this a person who pro*a*ly -o'ld 'nderstand meD +sthis a person + -o'ld *e v'lnera*le withD hese are all the J'estions yo' as7 when yo',retrying to (ind i( yo' sho'ld *e a (riend. Aow yo' are going a*o't eliminating peopleDhat,s what + want to 7now. >o' pro*a*ly in many -ases (or years have *een eliminatingsome wonder('l people who -o'ld *e wonder('l h's*and and wives.

2. 'e $aref"( with o"r friend%hip%

ow here,s what + mean *y that. /hat + mean *y that is when a male and a (emale enterinto a -ertain 7ind o( (riendship that,s (ine. hat,s a-t'ally how yo' dis-ern what 7ind o( people o't there with whom yo' might have a ('t're. ll rightD /hen yo' enter all the waydown and yo' *e-ome very good (riends and then very very good (riends and then !eryvery good (riends *i*li-ally yo' are dating and yo' might as well admit it.

>o',re datingG 0/hat do yo' mean +,m datingD /e haven,t gone o't to eat. +,ve neverta7en this person to a resta'rant. /e haven,t stared at ea-h other over a -andle. +,m notdating. >es yo' are *e-a'se yo' see yo',re doing 9whether yo' 7now it or not: e=a-tlywhat the ;i*le says yo',re s'pposed to do. >o',re in the (irst stage o( moving towardmarriage. +( yo' -an open yo'r heart to someone i( yo' -an share yo'r li(e with someonei( yo' -an *e v'lnera*le and i( yo' (ind them 'nderstanding yo' that is (riendship.

Friendship *etween a man and a man (riendship *etween a woman and a woman isone thing. Friendship *etween a man and a woman is di((erent. here is something a*o't aman and a woman *e-a'se o( the way "od invented dam and 8ve as two polarities. Aedivided 'p the -hara-teristi-s o( h'manity. Ae didn,t p't them all in one person *'t hedivided them *etween male and (emale so dam was alone.

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holding nothing *a-7. hat,s physi-al na7edness *'t that,s na7edness in general *e-a'sesee (or e=ample i( some*ody says 0+ don,t want to marry yo' they,re not lettingthemselves *e e-onomi-ally and so-ially na7ed are theyD

+( some*ody says 0+ want to marry yo' *'t +,m going to sign a pre@n'ptial agreementthey,re not *eing na7ed yet. 8motionally is this person someone yo' have to 7eep se-rets

(romD re there things this person wo'ld never 'nderstand that are -lose to yo'r heartDhen yo',re not na7ed with that person yet and yo',re not really a (riend with that person. ow o( -o'rse the (riendship Prover*s is tal7ing a*o't is not the a*sol'te and 'ltimate

and total na7edness and (riendship o( marriage. hat,s the 'ltimate (riendship *'t yo' seethe pattern is the same. he dynami-s are the same. +t,s in marriage that it,s the mostdynami-. H'lnera*ility. 0+ -an open 'p my -enter. + -an open 'p my heart. + -an show yo'everything. + -an hold nothing *a-7 and + will hold nothing *a-7.

)astly blessin . +t,s hard to -ome 'p with a good word (or it so + gave yo' this one *'t+,ll e=plain it. (riend is someone who is -ontin'ally *lessing yo'. +t,s a shame that wordnow is so opaJ'e in the 8nglish lang'age. #ight now the way it,s 'sed on the street to *less some*ody means to -'rse them doesn,t itD

/hat it means to *less someone in the ;i*le ee what *lessing is. ee what happens(or e=ample when Loseph is dying or when La-o* is dying and all o( his -hildren andgrand-hildren -ome aro'nd and he *lesses them. /hat is he doingD Ae says 0+ see greatthings (or yo'. + 'nderstand yo'. + 7now what "od is doing in yo'r li(e. >es it,sa((irmation *'t oh my gosh. >o' 7now in psy-hologi-al o' loo7 allthe way into the inside and yo' say 0+ love yo'. + a((irm this part and + love yo' in spiteo( that part. ee a good (riend is someone who 7nows yo' *etter than yo' 7now yo'rsel(and who 'nderstands yo' *etter than yo' 'nderstand yo'rsel( and has a *etter idea o( whereyo',re s'pposed to *e going.

+t doesn,t mean in every instan-e it doesn,t mean in every single arg'ment in a goodmarriage *etween a h's*and and a wi(e yo' 7now the other person 'nderstands yo' *etterthan yo' do at that moment *'t it,s a general -onvi-tion. /hat does it ta7e to *e-ome a(riend li7e thatD +t ta7es -onsisten-y. +t ta7es honesty. +t ta7es v'lnera*ility. +t ta7es'nderstanding a((irmation*lessing.

".. Chesterton says the meanest (ear is the (ear o( loo7ing sentimental. Ae says somany times we say 0o long when we mean 0+ miss yo' and + love yo'. /e,re a(raidto say it. person who is a(raid to say it a person who -an,t e=press it is not yet a*le toreally *e a *lessing to someone else.

+( yo',re married do everything yo' possi*ly -an to *e-ome *est (riends. +( it meanssitting down with yo'r spo'se and saying 0o *e honest with yo' there are many things +-an,t tal7 to yo' a*o't. o *e honest with yo' + 7now i( + tal7 to yo' a*o't what,s -lose tomy heart over here +,m going to get a yawn or a la'gh. + have to tal7 to yo' a*o't thosethings that are 7eeping me (rom really *eing na7ed with yo'. /e have to do somethinga*o't it.

ow yo'r spo'se will pro*a*ly do the same thing *a-7. +t,s e=tremely rare (or one person to say 0+,m totally open to yo' and the other person say 0Oh reallyD +,m nottotally open to yo'. +t doesn,t happen that way. >o' m'st do everything. >o' m'st pay any pri-e to *e-ome *est (riends. )i7e + said i( yo' have se-rets (rom one another yo',re not.>o' have to de-ide what to do a*o't it.

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*. A +hri%tian $annot marr a non,+hri%tian

/hy notD My dear (riends i( yo',re a Christian and the person yo' want to marry is not aChristian *y de(inition the last two or espe-ially the last one o( the -hara-teristi-s o((riendship is impossi*le. +( yo',re a Christian 'nless Christ is o't in the s'*'r*s o( yo'rli(e o't in the (ar -omm'ter s'*'r*s o( yo'r li(e yo',re not going to *e a*le to really open

yo'r heart and have yo'r spo'se loo7 at yo' and 'nderstand yo'.+( Christ is downtown o( yo'r so'l i( Christ is one o( the most important things to yo'

and yo'r spo'se says 0+ don,t -are i( yo',re religio's. hat,s great. + 7ind o( li7e that a*o'tyo'. "o to -h'r-h. +,m not interested Or even i( yo'r spo'se is way *ehind yo' -an,t possi*ly ever e=pe-t yo'r spo'se to 'nderstand yo'. >o' 7now what,s going to happen is i(yo',re t'rned on *y a person in many other ways yo' o*vio'sly -o'ld *e very good (riendsand everything is right.

+( this person is not a *eliever then what,s going to happen is when yo' get marriedyo',ll have to 7eep Christ in the s'*'r*s o( yo'r li(e. /hyD +t,s too pain('l (or Christ to *e-entral and to have yo'r spo'se not 'nderstand it. o yo' 7now whyD ;e-a'se i( he doesn,t'nderstand Christ he doesn,t 'nderstand yo'.

he thing yo' most want the thing that,s really romanti- the thing that,s really passionate the thing that really ma7es a (riendship a relationship a marriage heaven itsel(is to have someone loo7 all the way down deep into yo' and say 0+ love yo'. + 'nderstandyo'. + see yo'r passions. + see yo'r horiEon. +,m on my way to it with yo'.

/hen yo' have that 7ind o( -omplete na7edness and that -omplete v'lnera*ility and'nderstanding and a--eptan-e even in the *est marriages it,s only episodi- *'t yo' -ansense the li(e o( heaven. >o' 7now this is what heaven is going to *e li7e. >o' m'stn,tmarry some*ody who is not a *eliever. /hyD ;e-a'se 'ltimately yo' -an,t *e (riends. +de(y any*ody to try to prove to me that yo' -an. +( yo' -an *e then yo',ve sent Christ tothe s'*'r*s. >o' 7ept him o't o( the -enter o( yo'r li(e. o yo' see the pro*lemD o yo'see the pointsD

Les's Christ is the 'ltimate (riend o( -o'rse. >o' tal7 a*o't -onsisten-y. >o' tal7 a*o'thonesty. >o' tal7 a*o't v'lnera*ility. he most. >o' tal7 a*o't *lessing. Les's Christ,s(riendship to 's is the greatest. Ae says 0+ have -alled yo' (riends. +( yo' ta7e what yo'learn in yo'r relationship with him and yo' *egin to apply it in yo'r other relationships i(yo',re not married that will move yo' and prepare yo' (or the (irst time (or real marriage.

+( yo',re married then yo' have to 'se what yo' learn (rom Christ,s (riendship in yo'rmarriage and then and only then will yo' get a marriage that sings. o someday yo'-an say 0t last this is *one o( my *ones and (lesh o( my (lesh. ow that +,m with yo' +7now who + am. )et,s pray.

/o$# "ather# 0ord# $e can apply this on so many different le!els( ' pray for the married

people in our midst( ' as% you $ould enable them to apply this to their o$n li!es# that theymiht ha!e marriaes $hich are not marriaes $hich are ust drains and burdens but

marriaes $hich are healin places# incubators for the $orld of hea!en( "ather# ' pray for

sinle people $ho $restle $ith the issue of $ho to marry and $hether to marry( ' pray you’d clarify in their hearts some of these issues( ' pray a lot of their fears and a lot of the

confusion $ould fall a$ay(

4ost of all# 0ord# ' pray $e $ould bein to practice the life of hea!en by de!elopin

friendships# by committin oursel!es to one another( ' pray# 0ord# you $ould enable us to

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do this $ith the pirit of *esus .hrist $ho called us friends( We than% you# 0ord# in his

name# the one $ho came not to be ser!ed but to ser!e and to i!e his life a ransom for

many( 'n *esus’ name $e pray# amen(

MARRIAGE AS $RIEN%S&IPMarriage—Se!te"#er 15, 1991

Ephesians 5:21–33

+ (eel so*erness tonight *e-a'se /e have a very interesting -h'r-h. s some o( yo'realiEe who have *een aro'nd (or a while it,s really an interlo-7ing -hain@lin7 (en-e o(small -h'r-hes and there are grapevines. lot o( yo' don,t 7now onna at all or Lerry *'twe prayed tonight *e-a'se they were evening #edeemerites i( there is s'-h a thing. herewas a lot o( prayer (or onna. + visited her in the hospital. +t,s a sho-7 (or a yo'ng andsweet spirit to pass on li7e that.

+ g'ess on-e yo' *rea7 into yo'r 3Bs yo' *egin to a-t'ally lose (riends and it getsworse and worse and worse. onight at the 4IBB servi-e Chris sang a song that means a lotto me *e-a'se it was a (avorite song o( a (riend o( mine who died when he was 31 awonder('l man o( "od tremendo's ('t're. Ae had two little -hildren.

he non@Christian world is a world witho't windows. +t,s a world that says we havetime and spa-e and everything else is 'nimportant. +t,s -alled se-'lariEation. +t,s -alled

se-'larism. he word secular means the now the time and the spa-e the present.e-'larism says 0+,m going to live today as i( the now is all that matters. he pro*lem isat times li7e this espe-ially when we -on(ront death we *egin to realiEe a world witho'twindows is really a very very di((i-'lt world to live in.

he Christian world is a world with windows. hat,s the reason why one great Christianminister on-e when he was very old said to some*ody in an interview Ae 7new he wassi-7. Ais name was wight Moody *y the way. Ae said something li7e 0)isten it won,t *emany months now *e(ore yo',ll read in the newspapers that wight ). Moody is dead.

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on,t yo' *elieve itG +,m dead now -ompared to what + will *e then. +,m a vegeta*le rightnow. My 7nowledge my 'nderstanding my level o( *eing is +,m a vegeta*le now-ompared to what + will *e when yo' read that o*it'ary.

hat,s a world with windows. hat,s a world that realiEes the here and now -o'nts(orever. +t,s e=tremely signi(i-ant. +t,s more signi(i-ant than a world witho't windows. +t,s

more important to live a li(e 7nowing this is o' only have a (ew doEen here. +t,s a very important anteroom to yo'rreal li(e.

hat,s a -ompletely di((erent approa-h to things. +t,s a world with windows. +t ma7esyo' a*le not to give pat answers when some*ody so yo'ng dies *'t it gives yo' a(ramewor7 in whi-h yo' -an 'ltimately and (inally handle it a(ter yo' -ry a lot. >o' have a(ramewor7. >o' have an 'nderstanding. >o' have a way o( dealing with it. >o' have a wayo( 'nderstanding it and thin7ing a*o't it.

/hat we,ve *een loo7ing at in this series on 4arriae +,m trying to give yo' a view o( marriage with windows to it. 8spe-ially last wee7 and this wee7 yo' see it so -learly andwe want to -ontin'e. )ast wee7 we were reading thro'gh this passage in 8phesians. +,llread it here in a se-ond. s we were loo7ing thro'gh this passage /e,ve *een loo7ing atit (or wee7s.

)ast wee7 we *egan tal7ing a*o't 4arriae as "riendship marriage as spirit'al(riendship (riendship with eternal dimensions. +,d li7e to read again to yo' the passage andthen +,d li7e to -ontin'e and hope('lly (inish this s'*


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(riendship garnished with roman-e. +t,s not *asi-ally roman-e and attra-tion and (riendshipis thrown in as a wonder('l little option a wonder('l little pl's i( yo' -an get it. #ather *i*li-ally marriage is essentially (riendship with roman-e garnishing and (lavoring it.

he way we p't it last wee7 is i( yo',re going to marry some*ody yo' sho'ld marrysomeone who is now or has the potential to *e yo'r very *est (riend. >o' sho'ld not marry

some*ody who yo' realiEe o' are not really separate (rom yo'r *ody andyet in a way yo' -an thin7 o( yo'r *ody as something disting'isha*le (rom yo' *e-a'seyo' -an a-t toward it. >o',re not separate. >o',re not distin-t. /hat happens to yo'r *odyhappens to yo' and yet at the same time yo' -an loo7 at yo'r *ody.

>o' -an wor7 on yo'r *ody. >o' -an say it has all sorts o( (laws and all sorts o( *lemishes. +t,s o't o( shape. +t needs to *e -lothed di((erently. +t needs to *e washeddi((erently. +t needs to *e -onditioned di((erently. >o' wor7 at that *ody. >o'r goal is to present it to *e in a -ertain -ondition.

he ;i*le says marriage is li7e that only yo' see how the passage goes *a-7 and (orth *etween how Christ relates to his *ody whi-h is 's. /hat,s -lear here is it,s the o' get a vision o( a per(e-t radiant *eing "od wants this personto *e yo' get e=-ited a*o't that and yo' get -ommitted to seeing that person developed.

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ow this is not something o( -o'rse that is parti-'lar to o' get an idea o( the *ea'ty o( it and the glory o( it. >o' -at-h glimpses at -ertaintimes and yo' get -ommitted to it and yo' say 0he pirit o( "od is wor7ing to ma7e that person *e-ome that and + want to *e part o( the synergism. + want to *e part o( the pro-ess.

/hat it really means *i*li-ally to (all in love and to want to marry some*ody is yo' geta tremendo's sense o( that glory sel( that real sel( and yo' say 0+,m -ommitted to that. +want to *e li7e a -andlesti-7 on whi-h this -andle is pla-ed. hro'gh prayer and servi-eand helping + want to (ind the light he radiant person who,s lo-7ed inside here + wantthe light o( that to *e evident. + want other people to see the *ea'ty o( this person. + wantthis person to grow and develop in that dire-tion as (ast as possi*le.

hat we said is the way any Christian (riendship sho'ld go. o yo' do thatD Or do yo'


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tal7ed a*o't that *e(ore. he ;i*le says that,s not the way 'ltimately to satis(y that at all.>o',ll (ind yo'rsel( *e-oming lonelier when yo' 'se se= o'tside o( a -ovenant.

he se-ond way to do it is when a man and a woman (or whatever reason de-ide tohave that deep oneness that *est (riendship and yet re('se to try to get romanti-. 0Aere,s a person who is o( the opposite se= who is my very *est (riend no one is -lose and yet either

that person nor + one or the other or *oth re('se to *e romanti-ally -ommitted. /e,re notgoing to date. /e,r

Documents

Serie de Matrimonios Tim Keller