Sell-vation Parables

7/24/2019 Sell-vation Parables

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$ell-vation Parables

by Patricia Backora

All Rights Reservedhttp://banpreachergreed.tripod.com

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!reely ye have received, freely give "#esus, in $att%&'()

CONTENTS

*o $ore *ickels +BB Tithes and Party ine .

$issing the Postmark %&Barred At the Pearly /ates %0hen 1ell !ree2es 3ver 4+Pay 5p, Pardner6 +%hat Price 7elf-8steem9 +:Prosperity Pandemonium :&Religious Racketeers :4Bucks in the Belfry :;The


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No More Nicels!*ames fictional, a true story

1onest, this really did happen at a church = visited several timesAlthough it seemed like something out of a comic book, = didn>t find itthe least bit funny =t made me want to cry for the poor people who

got humiliated by it Brother Bullard "not his real name, of course6) was an elderlypastor who>d forgotten how to count his blessings properly 1e hadreceived a rare miracle from the


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transparently honest people ust gave what they hadand, inmonetary terms, it wasn>t much Brother Bullard and his family had gotten used to a comfy lifestyle,even though they were far from millionaires They didn>t have towork at the plastic plant or the chicken cannery hile Brother

Bullard>s flock could barely make ends meet he and his family oftentravelled to church conferences to get recharged spiritually This waslike icing on the cake of the pastor>s privileged life 1is poor flockstruggled for mere bread But it was getting harder and harder for the pastor to afford suchtreats, above and beyond his living epenses =t got to where hedreaded counting up the proceeds after each service 1e hated thenickels and pennies given by obless, burdened saints @espite thefact that the maority of prayer reCuests seemed to be for /od to findobs for young couples with kids, or to relieve financial want

ell, Brother Bullard would take authority over this financialcrisisin the wrong way 7carcely had everyone sat down before hegot their attention and picked up the offering plate hy should yoube ashamed to let others see what you>re up to, he asked his people, ifwhat you>re doing isn>t wrong9 ll start the offering the proper way,E he said, whipping out aten-dollar bill and flipping it into the plate DAnd don>t place yournickels so softly inside so they won>t make a clink, as if you>reashamed for people to see your generosity #ust pick Fem up andthrow Fem right in6E ith that, Brother Bullard took a fistful of nickels

out of his pocket and slammed them contemptuously in front of thepulpit

*o one got up and left, though = wish they had There was ust ashamed silence and awkwardness which subsided after a short timeBut before you knew it, Brother Bullard had that old piano pumpingout /ospel tunes ust like nothing unusual had happened = got sodisgusted = stopped going shortly thereafter =n #ohn 4' %+-%G you>ll read about another Preacher ho slammedsome coins down to the floor 3nly that time it was to protect the poorrather than to publicly humiliate them #esus didn>t much care for the

way the devil>s business was being transacted in the Temple 1is!ather>s 1ouse was not to be a market place, but a 1ouse of Prayer =can imagine the bellowing beasts stampeding away from the whip#esus made, how the money changers> coins ingled onto thepavement and rolled away from greedy scalawags fleeing from #esus>shouts of rebuke

Brother Bullard sure didn>t value the coins he threw downAnybody who>s ever been broke knows that a nickel can be the

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difference between getting all the groceries you selected at thesupermarket and having to put something back $aybe it was ust ashard for those folks to put a Cuarter in the plate as it was for BrotherBullard to reward himself with a ten-spot /od>s kids must beware of ahaughty attitude Those who fly high can fall hard if 1e is forced to

humble them to make them see sense again #ust who did #esus commend in d completely flipped But Bob also knew he was between a rock anda hard place Better to take flak from another man than risk /od>sdispleasure about hiding the real truth from Hhristians who had aright to know it The *ew Hovenant tithing ta was as heated an issue

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to the modern church as circumcision had been to the early church,and ust as much a sacred cow But Bob had prayerfully researchedhis 7criptures 1e could no longer in good conscience condone thisage-old heresy =t was an outright sin to confiscate ten percent of apoor family>s income in the *ame of the Poor Harpenter ho never

financed his own ministry that way Paul hadn>t done that, nor hadPeter and #ohn, who said' L7ilver and gold have = noneL 7o what gavethe leaders of his denomination the right to further impoverish peoplepoorer than themselves9 =n this Age of /race /od>s people were nolonger serving under the $osaic s 1oly ord TheReverend 7uperior was a scrappy old bear, but Bob>s primary loyaltymust be to the Redeemer ho had washed him in 1is own blood, notto modern-day pharisees soaked in tradition The two men met in Bob>s big study LPastor Bob6L the venerableold churchman rebuked, Lhat is this = hear9 Mou refuse to respectthe long-standing dogma of our diocese6 Rumors are circulating thatyou disagree with our church>s policy on member tithing6L LTrue, Reverend Rufus,L Bob hesitated LAre you aware of the factthat the Apostle Paul never once enforced tithing in the churches underhis oversight9L LMou>re splitting hairs over mere semantics,L said Reverend Rufus

LMou>re obsessing over what you HAt even turn downcontributions from the destitute saints of $acedonia 7o why do youmake such a fuss over the label you attach to the funds coming intothis church9 /od loves a cheerful giver, so the logical implication isthat 1e hates a stingy oneL LBut you>re a doctor of divinity, Reverend, with a string of degreesas long as my arm Mou>re 1ead Hhair of @octrinal !orensics at

7tonewall 7eminary Mou must know what 7cripture really says aboutthe Biblical tithe, and that /entiles were never appointed by /od tocollect itL L/entiles, smentiles6L Reverend Rufus barked LPastor, you>re one/entile who will end up a anitor if you don>t submit to churchauthority as the Bible commands6 =>ll be back in town to check on youin two weeks> time, and if by then you aren>t enforcing tithing in thiscongregation, =>ll have you ecommunicated from the flock of the

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faithful *ot only that, you>ll be defrocked faster than a fiery chariotBy the time we>re done with you, boy, you won>t be able to preach to aparish of winos on Bourbon 7treet6L inosfor some reason that word kept circulating in Bob>s brainlong after the eminent gentleman had left After praying about his

dilemma for a few minutes, Bob found the courage to smile 7ome key3ld Testament 7criptures were resurfacing =f this preacher wentdown defending the truth, he would go down in a bla2e of glory6 After Pastor Bob>s net 7unday sermon, he announced an event, tobe held in two weeks> time $ost everyone got ecited about it Thefew skeptics among them said they wouldn>t stay in any church whichcould split over fundamental doctrines They simply walked out The day before Reverend Rufus was to visit the diocese, Pastor Bobprayed for courage, then phoned his superior L=>ve got some verygood news for you, Reverend Rufus =>ve seen the light6 = preachedmy heart out about the tithe, and the whole congregation shares myenthusiasm6L L7o your discourse was well received9L LBelieve me, Reverend Rufus, they gobbled it up6 = really do lookforward to seeing you again =>d thought that since you>re in the area,we could meet tomorrowsay, about one o>clock9 LThat would be ust fine with me, Pastor, and = am so relieved wewon>t be needing to retire youL LReverend Rufus, since the weather is so lovely, =>d like to conferwith you out in the 7unday 7chool courtyard tomorrow That picnictable under the shady tree would be a pleasant place to converse $y

wife will be providing a light lunch for us, including some of her home-baked cherry pie ould you enoy that9L The cleric>s crusty voice softened Lhy, Bob, you know = nevercould resist your wife>s cherry pie =>ll be there at one o>clock sharpL The net day Reverend Rufus parked his car, pu22led by the factthe lot was nearly full 1e called Pastor Bob on his cell phone to ask ifhe still wanted to meet out in the courtyard, and why the full parkinglot9 Bob said 7ister #ane 7mith was starting a diet club in the eastwing conference room, and not to worry The reverend reached theflower-dotted courtyard A delicious aroma made his mouth water The

gate was wide open =t was Cuiet, but Pastor Bob was definitely notalone L75RPR=786L a ubilant multitude yelled !ar from starting adiet, the congregation was holding a surprise picnic for him6 hat wasthe occasion9 =t wasnNt even his birthday6

The place was packed with laughing adults, but where were theyoung people and children9 Reverend Rufus saw burgers, chicken andsteaks si22ling on charcoal grills 7alads, desserts, condiments, andpotato chips were laid out on tables But what was in some of his

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parishioners> hands9 The reverend gasped in shock Beer bottles6ine coolers6 *o wonder there weren>t any kids sCuealing andrunning around6 =t would be illegal for them to be present on premiseswhere alcohol was being served =n his very own churchyard, no less6

Before the Reverend 7uperior could castigate his flock for their

indiscretion he noticed a speakers> podium set up in front of a vastportable billboard Painted on this huge sign in bold black letters wasone 7criptural passage he wished had remained buried in the 7weet7ea 3f !orgetfulness Above it appeared this sprawling title, in brightred paint'

MONE& C'N(T P'& T)T*ES...)T "+&S T)T*ES TO T*,O% ' P',T& %)T*!

@euteronomy %:'44' Thou shalt truly tithe all the increase of thy seed,that the field bringeth forth year by year "@eut %:'44)

Ierse 4+' And thou shalt eat before the


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/od in his own life and the lives he influenced This was too rich for hisreligious blood LPastor6 hat in 7am 1ill is going on here6 Peopledrinking boo2e on church grounds6 =>ll have your head on a paperplate for this outrage6L Pastor Bob sauntered over, sipping a tropical cooler LBut

Reverend, we>re only doing what you wanted6 e>re observing thetithing law =f you>ll read that sign, you>ll know we>re well within our7criptural rights to buy Bud and wine cooler with the tithe money6 ecould have brought stronger stuff, but we eercised self-control Backin Bible days, the kids would have oined in, but they>re having theirown cookout over at 7ister s Phoebe and $arge are keeping thebabies and toddlers The designated drivers are drinking Hokes andiced teaL LBut we>re under the *ew Hovenant, reprobate Bob,L the reverendrebuked L= know a lot of these people drink privately in their ownhomes, but if they really loved #esus, they>d partake of spiritual wineonly, and you know it6 re the one who told us to observe the tithe, sothis party is part of it ell, =t>s about time to start my sermonL Bobwent to collect his notes and hopped up onto the podium ReverendRufus felt powerless to interfere because of all the people cheeringtheir pastor on Bob began to address the crowd through the microphone' LeNre

going to talk more about the tithe, everybody *ow we all appreciateReverend Rufus, and =>m not attacking him today, ust a few flaweddoctrines, and =>m only doing that to defend the truth Reverend Rufussays itNs a sin to drink wine, and we respect his right to believe that,irregardless of the fact the =sraelites drank wine at their annual tithingfestivals *ow we know Paul the apostle denounced drunkenness as asin, but where in 7cripture does he forbid the occasional glass of winewith dinner9 Paul told Timothy to take a little wine for his stomach>ssake and for his oft infirmities As for spirituali2ing away the literalwine and strong drink which 7cripture clearly instructs worshippers to

buy with proceeds from the sale of literal tithesO why not go whole hogand spirituali2e away the literal $3*8M literal laymen out in literalpews pay into the church pork barrel to finance literal ministry perks9Mou know as well as = do the Bible only commands *ew Testamentbelievers to offer up spiritual sacrifices unto /od, and whatsoever goodwork is not done out of a heart of faith is sin =f you scare money outof people, that is a dead work of the flesh springing from fear, notfaith, and /od cannot accept such tainted works as righteous

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Bob was plum tired of knuckling under to error to Dprove his lovefor #esusE The picnickers attacked their tithe food with gusto as theirpastor laid it on the line' Le /entiles have been grafted BM !A=T1 intothe spiritual tree of =srael, not because we kept their $osaic s dinner unscrupulous Pharisess had made of the meat of

/od>s ord by twisting it to serve their own endsE D=n $ark G'; #esus says to the Pharisees' F!5


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this meaneth, = will have mercy and not sacrifice, ye would not havecondemned the guiltless> 8ven if /od had commanded tithing to bedone on dollars and cents instead of agricultural produce only, 1ewould still choose mercy over sacrifice, where it concerns feedinghungry poor people That>s what the tithe was used for in the first

place6E DBut Brother Bob,E one man called, Dwhat about the widow givingher last two mites, even though she was hungry9E D7he sure did, Brother 1ayward, and #esus said she>d given morethan all the rich men who were only giving out of their surplus fat Butwhere does #esus say that the s people, theyare appealing to the same traditions of men condemned by #esus =n#esus> day, the safety net provided for poor people by the


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things his own way, rather than /od>s way 1opefully, this picturesermon will help stem the tide of newer heresies creeping into thiscongregation, but since there arenNt any shome and loots his home Then go after that burglar and beat thestuffing out of him After all, Abraham fought a battle before he paid atithe 3nce you>ve whipped the burglar, take back Hlarence>s H@player, computer, designer clothes, TI, and his H@ collection, which ourtheoretical burglar stole But before you give Hlarence his stuff back,take ten percent of it off the pile and donate those things to the

7alvation ArmyE The old phariseeNs blood was boiling LMouNre out of order, and =Nmgonna report you to the Regional 7ynod for heresy6 hat in 7am 1ill isgoing on over there9L 1e spotted @eacon @enton and his buddy Tedcarrying boes of goodies to a van out in the parking lot LRela, Reverend Rufus @enton>s keeping yet another tithingprinciple one final time, aspart of this proect = told them the money would also be used to feedthe men at the rescue mission down on 7eaview Avenue $y, = neversaw such enthusiasm for digging into purses and pockets as = saw last

week 3nce the people reali2ed /od wasn>t holding hellfire andbrimstone over their heads for switching from tithing to graciousgiving, they gladly chipped inE Reverend Rufus was close to tears LBut you had no right to dothat, and you know it6L LRemember, Reverend, a hundred dollar check is a hundred dollarcheck, irregardless of what you call it9 here it concerns generositythe 3ld


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says' M35 $AM All = know is, if we had stuck more closely to the letterof the tithing law, those men would have been here at this partyreoicing with us =f you>ll read @euteronomy %0'%%, you>ll see that thepoor are provided for by the tithe, and they are to reoice before thes where faith comes in re the ones who preachfaith from the pulpit d betterchange your tune or you>ll roast in hell one of these days, son6L LReverend Rufus, =>m getting mighty hungry for roasted tithe food,and those pork chops are getting mighty cold e>ll close my message

with a little food for thought' L7how me ust one 7cripture in the Biblewhere #esus collects tithe money to build buildings with $ost always1e instructs 1is hearers to give to the poor, not to rich preachers 1etold 1is disciples to PR3I=@8 *3 $3*8M in their bags when they wentout two-by-two to preach the Jingdom of /od =nstead, 1e promisedthem that /od would provide for all their needs Are you a follower of#esus, Reverend Rufus9L L*ot M35R kind of #esus, you stubborn reprobate6 *ow = want youto go to your office, clean out your desk, and take 1im with you whenyou go6 Both of you get out of $M church now6 Mou>re fired6L

K K K K K K

Missing the Po$tmar1ow to Pinch Pennies to Pamper the Poodle-Permed Preacher

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#anet stretched out in her easy chair and yawned 7he would soonhave to return to her ob as an airline ticket agent after taking simonths> maternity leave But she would make the most of this briefbreak At least she knew that when she went back to work she>d be

reinstated in her former position At least she wasn>t some poorfactory worker who might not be able to get her ob back Poor Ralphhad to work one full-time and an etra part-time shift on the policeforce ust to keep them all going, and it wasn>t easy maintaining thefamily without her contribution But #anet would enoy these preciousmoments of Cuiet in her buttery soft recliner 1er two older kids wouldbe coming in from school in ust an hour Then the noise of theirhorseplay would fill the house, and the baby would wake up from hernap, howling for attention 7he flicked on her favorite televangelist, LBrother 1arvey/reengoldL The tall, tanned poodle-permed preacher belted out hisusual greeting of LPraise the s about to blossom6LAs he pointed his eweled finger at the viewer, it seemed like hisreassurance was for #anet alone A bouncy musical intro and a glitteryfloral backdrop emphasi2ed his byline' L/od meets big needs whenyou sow big seedsL #anet wasn>t Cuite so sure anymore Times were harder than ever8ven after the family income had plummeted she had regularly sentthis guy a good chunk of her household allowance money, without firstmentioning it to Ralph 1e>d hardly noticed the missing funds,attributing their meager family meals to necessary belt-tightening

during #anet>s unpaid maternity leave Ralph didn>t resent it, thoughA new baby was lots of work and it had taken #anet a long time toregain her health after the birth L7ometimes /od tests our faith,L said Brother /reengold L=f you>vesent this ministry a sacrificial offering and you haven>t gotten backyour hundred-fold return yet, ust hang on =n school, my nicknamewas L1ang-on 1arveyL *o matter how hopeless the basketball scoregot, =>d never give up =>d ust keep on playing the game till = sank thewinning ball into the hoop And because = refused to be defeated, /odhas richly rewarded me for it The devil wants you to be discouraged

and to give up But instead of confessing defeat, send in a one-timeL@efy the @evil @onationL to show you>re standing up to satan andwon>t give in to his temptation to be a Cuitter The more money yousow to keep this ministry on the air, the madder satan will get Andkeep this in mind, saints ithout your help, we wouldn>t be able tofeed the hungry around the world e>re dependent on M356L #anet sighed 7he felt a little uneasy But maybe it was becauseshe>d kept Ralph in the dark about her donations 7he took a ten-

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dollar bill saved from her grocery money and folded it into a letterpleading for @r /reengold>s prayers for deliverance from poverty #ustthis one last time 1ank and #eff, her tall, skinny teenagers came in, barely sayingLhiL to her before stampeding to the kitchen The baby started yelling

#anet heard the fridge door bang open, then boisterous shouts'L/imme that milk6 Mou>re hogging it all6 1ey, it>s mine, you pig6L #anet had barely entered the kitchen when a splash of milk hit herin the face L1ey, stop acting like animals, you two6 =t>s all we>ve got,so share it6 s G& cents on the table, so go get anotherCuart and stop arguingL L#ust a Cuart6L 1ank, the %0-year-old, griped That wouldn>t evenwet my tongue6L Lell, that>s all the money =>ve got left,L #anet said, wondering ifshe was lying L5nless you two can pitch inL #eff, the %:-year-old, dug into his pocket LAll =>ve got is si centsL LAll =>ve got is eleven cents,L 1ank said L/uess we>d better mowa few yards so we don>t starve to death, huh6L Lell, we could ust mi flour and water and pretend it>s milk,L #effsuggested L=f we>re not out of flour too,L 1ank added with a note of sarcasm LIery funny,L #anet frowned Lhy don>t you ust pray /od willprovide milk for us9L L7howers of milk, showers of milk we need $ilk drops around usare falling, but for the pi22a we plead6L 1ank sang with dramatic flair,mimicking an old hymn

L7top it6L #anet scolded, recalling a tragic lesson from == JingsHhapter G L7omebody in the Bible got into big trouble with /od forsaying he didn>t epect /od>s blessings to ust drop out of the sky likerain6 /od>s teaching me to have faith even when things look bad6 =f itwasn>t for Pray TI helping me believe in /od>s promises =>d be up thecreek without a paddle6L LThose guys don>t look too poor to me,L #eff shrugged LThere>salways milk in their fridge And = bet it>s chocolate, tooL LAnd they>ve got a swimming pool in their back yard,L 1ank chimedin

Lell, /od rewards those who faithfully preach the /ospel,L #anetsaid L=>ll say he does,L #eff said scornfully L= oughta get into the religionracket so = don>t have to have to suck out chicken guts at the 1ennyPenny plant after = get sprung out of high schoolL LThat was uncalled-for and you know it6L #anet looked mad LMourAunt $arsha works there6L hy did teenagers have to be so sassyanyway9

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L=f you guys want to make yourselves useful, drop this in the mailwhen you go get the milk,L #anet said LBaby Brenda is yelling herhead off, so =>d better go feed her Be sure to get this off right away, so= can get /od to bless us = want today>s postmark to be on it, and thelast mail is collected at fiveL 7he handed the boys her letter to Brother

/reengold The boys grinned L/od sure is particular about when the mailtruck collects 1is fan mail and takes it to preacherland, Halifornia,L1ank said L*ever mind your sass, ust mail it for me, okay9L 3nce the baby was fed and bathed, #anet put her in her play penand went to fi supper hy, a good cook like her could work wonderswith leftover pinto beans, a couple cans of tomatoes, rice and chilipowder There was even a chunk of cheese in back of the fridge 7hecut off the moldy part and hummed as she assembled her special dishTomorrow would be another day $aybe then /od would multiply backall the money she>d sent in to that preacher And today>s donationwould go out in today>s mail, the deadline Brother /reengold told hisflock to aim for =t ust wouldn>t do to Lmiss the season of anointingLby waiting for a more convenient time to give Today>s postmark on#anet>s letter would be her point of contact in believing for her miracle63ctober 4& was, according to Brother /reengold, the s chosen@ate for @estiny6 An hour later the boys still hadn>t arrived home, but Ralph came infor two hours to rest and eat before going back in to work the nightshift 1e gave #anet and the baby a kiss and said, Le>re collecting

odds and ends for the police rummage sale = need a couple bags tostuff some of my old unk inL 1e fumbled beneath the sink and gotout several plastic shopping bags 1e spotted a grocery receipt in thebottom of one bag Hurious, his fished it out and looked it over

L3ctober %;, that was yesterday, wasn>t it9L he asked #anet LMeah, honey, what about it9L LThe total amount due was K%;+& e already gave the boys theirbus and lunch money for the week, so you should have ten left fromyour shopping budget here is it9 = might need it tomorrowL 1er words came with difficulty LMou>ll get it back, Ralph 8very

penny = promiseL Lhere =7 it9L he asked, feeling very uneasy LThe s voice rose

7he replied in a near-whisper, LBrother /reengold, that preacheron TI 1e runs charities to feed the poor around the worldL

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L1a6L Ralph snorted L=>ve heard a few things about him 1owcould you fall for his con game9L Lhat con game, Ralph9 1e shows pictures of hungry kids =tbreaks my heart to see themL LThe pictures may be for real, but that doesn>t mean Brother

/reengold>s an honest guyL LBut what if he is, Ralph9 hy run the risk of not helping thoseinnocent children9 hat>s fifty cents, or a dollar, every now or then9At least we don>t have to do without the necessities of lifeL Ralph>s voice cracked with anger and frustration 1ot resentmentflared up in his heart L3h, =>ve done without a lot since my mom hadthat illness she was uninsured for, and when she fell between thecracks of our system it was up to me to pay her hospital bill But whatcan you do when it>s your own mother but make sacrifrices to help6L Lell, we had to help, Ralph,L #anet said weakly L7he>s yourmother, right9L LMeah, =>ve had to do without a lot, #anet = do without my coffeeand my favorite cookies =t>s been ages since = saw a single piece offruit in this house *o meat to speak of 8very morning day in and dayout = get slopped with mortar mi oatmeal for breakfast 3nce a weekwe get hot dogs and macaroni if we>re really splurging = buy all mycivvie clothes at thrift shopswhen = can afford to =n heaven>s name,who could possibly need that money more than us6L 1is face was redas a beet LBrother /reengold does run foreign missions, =>m sure,L #anetwhispered, blinking back tears

Lhat foreign missions6L Ralph cried LThe only foreign missionshe collects for is foreign missions to 1awaii and his s a terrible thing to say about the servant of thevebeen up to, because = spotted a few of his mail-outs laying around thehouse and caught you watching him one day when = was off = didn>twant to be the bad guy and force you to stop giving to what you

thought was the s work But /od helped me see through thisspider>s web of religious panhandling going on 7o = kept Cuiet aboutit and started checking this guy out on the =nternet and doing a littlefree lance detective work =f = had any suspicions about this guy theywere confirmed by an article posted by one of his former associatesAnyhow, this guy>s conscience ate at him so bad he asked /od>sforgiveness for being associated with Brother /reengold, and he wasone of his right-hand men tooL

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Lell, Ralph, Brother /reengold did say something about how thedevil was coming against his ministryL LThe ta men no doubt,L Ralph snorted L= did more digging onthis guy = ust never told you till now 1e>s being investigated forfraudulent use of donor funds And = ust found out about his little

nest egg in 7wit2erland Ta-free, of courseL Lanna know more about how Brother /reengold lives, #anet9ant me to pull back the carpet and epose the cockroaches hidingunderneath it9L #anet nodded, feeling angrier at herself than with the TI preacher L*ow, here>s ust a few of the perks of his so-called ministry6 Amulti-million dollar mansion with nine bathrooms, a tennis court, ahorse farm, top designer clothes, Hhardonnay wines, private ets,platinum gold diamond ewelry, a collection of Rolees, fancypaintings, yachts, fancy cars, gold bathroom swans, trips to the 1olys the last time you or = had even one lousy weekendtogether where we could even go to Ruby !alls for a lousy fishing trip6hile Brother /reengold has a fleet of $ercedes and Porsches, theonly decent car = drive belongs to the force and = have to rob Peter topay Paul the payments on my own second-hand car 1ank ust toldme his track shoes are falling apart and the other guys are ra22ing himabout it e little guys and gals work like slaves so hucksters likeBrother /reengold don>t have to6 = bet he thanks /od every day forthose poor starving kids he shows off on TI6 3h, he might crycrocodile tears over them to keep the money rolling in, but when histear-erking show is over he laughs all the way to the bank6 hile he

feasts like a king we eat garbage food to keep guys like him in style1is cats eat better than we do,L Ralph grumbled L/arbage food9L #anet choked Lhy, we>re having somethingspecial tonight!estive Beans and Rice $y own recipeL Le ate beans last night, and the night before that potato soup,LRalph groaned LBeans are beans and =>m turning into one big rootin>-tootin> bean, =>ve had so many6 hat does Brother /reengold eat9!ive-star cuisine at !igaro>s6 Asparagus tips braised in lemon herbbutter with savory wild rice6 *oisettes of veal in wild truffle sauce6Handied pheasant and crepes flambe with raspberry coulis6L That was

the menu served at his special L=nner Hircle BanCuetL to honor his topten donors6 =>d say = did my homework thoroughly6L L1ow could Brother /reengold deceive us like that6L #anetblubbered L1e never told us about that banCuet6 1e said he doeswithout to help his hungry babies and he fasts a lot6L

LMeah, maybe for ten minutes at a stretch as he rides his stretchlimo to !igaro>s to wine and dine his cronies to celebrate their latestwindfall6L

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#ust then two sheepish-looking boys entered the kitchen carryinggrocery bags hile #eff set + fro2en economy pi22as, a gallon of milk,and some cheap cookies on the table, 1ank confessed for them both'L$om, @ad, we know you>re probably gonna kill us, but we ustcommitted highway robberyL

LMou didn>tL #anet gasped, eyes widening in shock L#ust tell meyou didn>t open my private mail and steal the money out of itL LMeah,L #eff shrugged L@idn>t have no choiceL L1ere>s the fifty-seven cents change left over, $omL 1ank ploppedit on the table and swallowed hard L@on>t you know it>s a Hlass A felony, boys, tampering with otherpeople>s mail9L Ralph said sternly, even as he looked longingly at thegroceries L= oughta slap cuffs on both of you and haul you in6L LBut @ad, we were starving Please don>t run us in e>re awfulsorryL Ralph looked at #anet, then asked her' L1ow long have you beenmailing our food money to that guy behind my back9L LAhsi months or so, dear ==>m sorry = kept on sowing seedfor a miracle that never cameL #anet felt very ashamed L*o wonder 1ank and #eff got desperate enough to commit afederal offense,L Ralph sighed L*ow =>m not ecusing what they did,but if you had spent Ad ground you twoguys for what you ust did till the Rapture comes, but =>ll go easy onyou ust this once because you got so hungry you weren>t thinkingstraight And you did confess right away #ust don>t tell anybody elseabout thisecept maybe #esusL

!earfully the boys nodded and swore they>d never do it again Ralph looked back at #anet LMou and the boys aren>t the only onesto blame Mou embe22led cash from the food fund to send to a fool,and the boys stole that money, but that TI preacher robbed our familyof money that should have gone into adeCuately feeding us *ow

here>s a verse the pastor uses against us all the time'Fill a man rob /od9> But don>t preachers commit grand larcenyagainst /od every time they take food out of the mouths of /od>speople so they can have gold-plated shower stalls and private ets9L L= should say so, dear,L #anet meekly lowered her head LThe Bible also says it>s not okay to take the children>s bread andthrow it to the dogs,L Ralph said LThat>s !irst @egree Hhild AbuseL

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LRalph,L #anet gasped, Lyou>ve convinced me Brother /reengold isa hustler But don>t you think it>s a sin to call him a dog9L L= should say not, #anet 7omewhere in =saiah it talks aboutFgreedy dogs that can never have enough, and shepherds which lackunderstanding> That fits Brother /reengold to a teeL

L7o it>s okay we took the money to eat, then, @ad9L 1ankwondered L*o, not that way, son =t would have been best to come to meonce you suspected that your mother might be sending our foodmoney away That was an invasion of your mother>s privacy, thoughyou acted out of sheer desperation Both you boys are grounded fortwo weeks and = epect you to pay your mom back out of your lawn-mowing money 3kay9L L!air enough, @ad,L 1ank said

Ralph turned to #anet L!rom the start of our marriage = made itplain that in good times and bad, we>ve got to be honest with eachother = know your motive was to try to get /od to bless us, but youwere led astray by a con artist and we all had to suffer for it #ust likesatan deceived 8ve in the /arden of 8den the preacher deceived youand played on your emotions to get you to open your heart, and yourwallet, wide But this time =>ll let you off with a warningL 1e mimickeda stern, coplike epression 7he gave him a Cuick kiss L=>m so sorry, dear =>m really surprisedyou found out all that bad stuff about Brother /reengold Besides thefact = sent him money = saved by putting my family on short rations,maybe the reason /od hasn>t blessed my donations to him is this'

Because /od>s blessing doesn>t really rest on him and if /od had madeus rich from sending him money, /od would have been aiding andabetting a con manL LAmen to that,L her husband grinned L7o it hasn>t been a totalloss =t might have been an epensive lesson, but we>ve all learnedsomething from this caseL 1e cleared his throat L= think it would bebest, #anet, if for the time being, we did the grocery shopping togetheras a family, eh9L 7he looked wounded LMou don>t trust me anymore, Ralph, buthow can = blame you9L

L= didn>t say = don>t trust you, dear, but this Fpay the preacher>prosperity game can get to be an addiction 8verybody>s got their owntemptations to struggle againstme, you, the boys That only showshow human we all are And =>m not fool enough to think there aren>tother carnival acts on Pray TI hustling for easy dollars with a sobsong They preach a slot machine religion which obligates /od to giveyou the moon if only you put enough Cuarters in the slot But in thatgame, only the devil wins =>m not trying to put you down, ust help

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you to resist temptation Besides, helping to do the shopping wouldgive 1ank and #eff an education in getting the most for their dollarMou>d really be doing them a favor, #anetL Lellokay, dear =t>s the least = can do to show =>m on the righttrack nowL

L/ood 3h, by the way, boys, what did you do with your mother>sletter to Brother /reengold after you fished his funds out of theenvelope9L Le resealed it with chewing gum and sent it to him but first wewrote him an =35payable in the year 4.&& 7orry about that too,$om,L #eff said Le were way too hungry to behave like goodciti2ensL 8ven #anet had to laugh at that one L=n the year 4.&&9 = doubtBrother /reengold will still be fishing for funds during the $illennium6L L1oney,L Ralph sighed, Lif = had my way you wouldn>t have to goback to work unless and until you really felt like itL #anet swallowed hard L=>ve got no choice, Ralph 7hort of amiracleL #ust then the phone rang Ralph went to answer it hen hecame back some fifteen minutes later, his face was aglow with oyL/uess what, guys9 Haptain /unnar ust called to say =>m the onethey picked out of eight candidates to replace 7gt Phillips on the forcewhen he retires net month @id you hear that, everybody9 =>m thenew police sergeant of this entire town6L

Hheers all around LJnow what, #anet9L Ralph said Lith my bigraise maybe you can stay home awhile longer, at least till Brenda>s

bigger hat do you say to that9L Lell, = don>t knowwhat with the cost of living, wouldn>t thingsstill be a bit tight around here9L L=>d already been wondering how to work that out, #anet e couldmove all that unk out of the basement and convert it into a sparebedroom to rent out to some student That would take a lot ofpressure off us, tooL L$aybe $om could even afford to make cookies for us again6L #eff>seyes shone LAnd = could get those new running shoes = need6L 1ank said

ecitedly LBut first let>s pop those pi22as into the oven,L Ralph grinnedLAfterward we all go out for ice cream Time to celebrate and praisethe


22/88

"arred at the Pearl 3ates

!lock fleecers can>t take the fleece with them when they go

LAnother migraine, dear9L Pastor Pete>s wife asked sweetly 7he went

to get him the two Tylenols and glass of water he usually took beforebed L= ust can>t stand this ob,L Pastor Pete moaned L$ary, thosepeople are getting stupider and stupider all the timeL

L#ust give them time, Peter,L she said LThey>ll learnL L= ust can>t believe itL 1e rolled up his eyes LThose people are asdense as pea soup = ust dread tomorrow t those people know the only food = want to see in that

offering is crispy lettuce with big numbers on it9 =f we don>t get moreof a cash flow, our whole church operation will fold like a house ofcardsL L#ust do what you tell them to do, dear #ust confess prosperity,Lsaid his wife, rubbing his sore temples LThis trial will soon passL Lhy do we only attract down-and-outers9L Pastor Pete moanedLhy can>t = persuade more upwardly mobile people to transfer theirmembership from 5pper Hrust Hathedral9 e live in the rit2iest partof town and all we get are underpaid peons who can>t even pay adecent titheL L$aybe they need the money to feed their families, Peter,L $ary

said L7o9 @on>t we need it too9 hy should = have to deduct moneyfrom mybase salary to rob Peter to pay Paul, ust because the churchboard can>t afford to pay me a decent travel allowance9 After all, =represent them whenever = go anywhere =f things get any worse,$ary, they won>t be able to keep up the premiums on our medicalinsurance *one of the other local pastors is going through this Thataffects my standing in the eyes of the community, ust the same as if =ran a five-star restaurant, then added burgers to the menu and cut myprices to attract the riffraffL

LAren>t you being a bit harsh about it, Peter9L L$ary, don>t be naive #esus said that sometimes we have to takethe Jingdom of /od by forceL The pastor got a devious look on hisface L=t>s time to try the other approach, $ary *o more $r *ice /uydangling the Prosperity Harrot Time for the stick approach, seasonedwith a little old-fashioned fire and brimstone After =>m through withthose people, they>ll rushtheir offering into the bags Tithes tooL

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$ary frowned L$e9 =mmature9 =>m only thinking about thosescriptures you discovered about what true tithes really consisted of'vegetables, grain, livestock, stuff like that Remember, you were asshocked as = was that Biblical tithes never consisted of money, and youcouldn>t find any 7cripture where Paul commanded church members to

pay %& of their wages to preachers9L 1e put his hand on her lips L7hhhh6 $ustn>t let the cat out of thebag, $aryor,L he grinnedLthe tithe money out of the bag Theirignorance is the prosperity of our church And our ticket to paradise if =play my cards right 1oney, tomorrow is !leece the !lock @ay at /reenPastures Hhurch6L $ary bit her lip 7he had a fine line to tread *owadays plenty ofpastors had no Cualms about trading their old wives in for La partnermore compatible with their ministryL, and if she crossed her preciousPeter she might lose him someday, along with all the fringe benefitsthat came with being a prosperity pastor>s wife

Pastor Pete told $ary to ust go on to bed without him, because hewould be up most of the night 1e got out the notes for his oldsermon, filled with his usual prosperity rhetoric and tore them up 1espent the net two hours carefully crafting a new sermon Then foranother three hours he stood in front of a full-length mirror rehearsingit until he got it ust right 1e paid special attention to voicedynamics, facial epressions, body language and vocal inflection =twas : am before he finished 1e wore a tired but happy epressionas he plopped into bed for four hours of rest before he must get up todress for %& am services

*et morning, Pastor Pete crawled out of bed and over $ary>sobections, chugged down four cups of strong black coffee with hisbreakfast @espite his shortage of sleep he must appeared forcefuland dynamic in the pulpit, not tired and washed out Patiently hewaited till the final pre-sermon hymn was finished' Give of Your Bestto the Master. 1is heart raced from all that caffeine he wasn>t used todrinkingor was it from the sheer ecitement of finding new directionfor his ministry9 1e spoke a perfunctory prayer and popped open hisBible to $alachi Hhapter +, the first of many LsticksL he would use inthis make-or-break sermon on giving 1e said, LThe title of this

sermon is taken from verse (' ill A $an Rob /od9L The words cameout like a thunderclap $ore softly, with a hint of choked pathos' LMetye have robbed meL

hoonearthdarestorobAlmighty /od6L Pastor Petewhispered slowly and deliberately 1e shook his head, then bowed hishead, as if in grief 1e raised his eyes heavenward, rubbing his handstogether as if in supplication 1e drew a deep breath, then took a sipof water

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1is face was stern and hard LTurn with me now to @euteronomy%0'%0 hy isn>t /od pouring out 1is blessing upon 1is people at/reen Pastures Hhurch9 *otice here it says' Three times a year shallall thy males appear before the t arrivedin the mail yet, and = wanted to show how much = appreciated you@id you enoy it, Pastor9L Pastor Pete scrunched up his nose LMou>re here to give to thet domuch to pay the church mortgage, now, does it9L

@ora rushed out of the sanctuary, crying The congregation was allabu22 by now This wasn>t the popular L/od>s /onna $ake Mou RichLpastor everyone was used to 1e was as ust as outspoken as ever,but something about him was very different today Pastor Pete kept on Cuoting verses on giving and sacrifice, andmisapplying them to minister guilt to a financially struggling flock whocould not hear the Ioice of the /ood 7hepherd in the peevish,belligerent voice bellowing from the pulpit

LMou are cursed with a curse6L Pastor Pete shouted as his sermonreached a feverish crescendo 1is face got red as a beet as the vast

sanctuary reverberated with rebukes LThat>s what my Bible says in$alachi +, verse ;, so it>s not open to debate6 !or these past fewweeks the vast maority of you have committed highway robberyagainst /od6L he cried, pointing his finger accusingly LAnd your lameecuse for being stingy is you>ve gotta put food on the table6 Meah,right6 7ome of you butterballs could stand to shed a few pounds byfasting a day or two6L

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1e scowled at them and pinched his middle L7ee9 Ican>t pinch aninch6 That poor widow who gave her last two mites to the Temple putsall of you to shame At least she had an ecuse for being stingy6 MouTwinkie addicts don>t even trust /od to repay two dollars saved out ofyour grocery budget, so our missions fund is drying up6 hat a sorry

ecuse for Hhristians you are6 Mou ust don>t care that millions aregoing to hell without Hhrist6 *o wonder /od can>t afford to bless you#ust think ho you>re being stingy with, the /od who gives you everybreath you breatheL Pastor Pete>s face went white as a sheet 1iseyes rolled back and he slumped to the floor Two deacons rushed over 3ne dug out his cell phone to summonan ambulance LPeter, Peter6L his wife cried 7he ran up to the podium, wringingher hands

3ne of the deacons gave the pastor mouth-to-mouth respirationwhile the other said' L7ister $ary, this looks like a heart attack @idhe seem sick last night9L L1e>s had a lot of migraines,L she sobbed L8specially the pastcouple weeks 1is blood pressure>s been sky high 3h, no6 3h, Peter,PeterL At the Pearly /ates stood a shining figure in white apparel, angelicin countenance This saint of /od, whose name was inscribed in thefoundation of the Hity wall, looked peaceful but solemn, as if the oyswithin the 1oly Hity were out of sync with something on his mind Agolden key ring hung from a belt he wore around his waist TheApostle Peter loved to greet newcomers, and besides being with #esus,

his greatest oy was to admit departed saints into the Hity of 1isBlessed Redeemer But how sad, to think he>d have to turn anybodyaway, especially someone who had once tasted of the life of Hhrist andthen turned away from the Path of s crownewel 1is tongue, so heated and angry ust a moment before, was

now speechless, for tongue could never describe such radiant beauty7urely heaven was his now, and never again would he have to fretabout money 7omehow the pastor recogni2ed the figure awaiting him at thePearly /ate as he was set on his feet by the attending angel L3h, =know you6 Mou>re the Apostle Peter, and = see your keys6 #esus gaveyou the keys to the Jingdom, didn>t 1e9L

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LAll those who abide in Hhrist their t running aroundwith other women = wasn>t even watching a ball game on TI Thes holyoffering in the church hat nobler way could = have died, than whiletaking a stand in the pulpit against defrauding the


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7t Peter spoke to an angel who attended him The ministeringspirit hurried to do his bidding D=>ll show you ust a few of the reasonswhy you can>t come into this 1oly Hity,E the apostle said to Pastor PeteBut while = wait for my attendant to return, =>ll say this' D3nly eternitywill tell the harm that has been done by greedy wolves like yourself

s many sheepdriven out into the wilderness by ravening wolves seeking whom theymay devour That saint is recording the sad spiritual state of apostateswho have sold their own s mouth hung open in shock as he readthe poem, entitled DPreying PreachersE'

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Oh4 Those Preing T5 Preachers

3h, those preying TI preachersho milk the mail for cashBlood-sucking Bible teachers

ho blow funds on a beer bashAfter pitching your prayers in the trash

Plant a seed for prosperity= see a Role out there

7o hurry to my meet my needs#ust open your wallet and share

/olden swans in my shower stallsA trip to the 1oly s too grand for /od>s man

Adorn my fingers with diamond rings*o off-the-rack suits for me6

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Pay your taes to the king/ive, or you won>t receive6The Bible says sow liberally

Blessings don>t come for free6

A vow of two thousand dollarsThat>s /od>s rock-bottom price1e>d rather not be botheredith a measly ten or a five6

7end in that vow right now3r the t stop praying "and paying)3r the !ountain will run dry

And you>ll never get pie-in-the-sky6

7end me your wedding ring=>ll take A*MT1=*/6

=>ll even take the food from your mouthTo help you prove your faith with a vow6

This is M35R day for a miracleMou>ll receive a hundred-fold7o mail your money to me

=f you want your cup to be fullThis precious truth is worth more than gold

"At least it is to me6)

S S S S S DThat picture doesn>t look like me6E Pastor Pete wailed DBesides, Inever had money floating down from the rafters, and I never hadgolden swans in myshower stalls6E Pastor Pete wailed

DBut the t that what you ministered to the flock ofthe re /od>s children and we have a right to

inherit the riches of the wicked, which are laid up for the righteous6EPastor Pete obected D=t>s in Proverbs %+'446E DPerhaps,E said the apostle, DBut the other part of that versespeaks of leaving an inheritance to your children>s children Mou knowyour goal was not to go out into the harvest field to seek and save thewicked to make them sons of /od with an eternal inheritance inheavenly places *or did you teach sound 7criptural doctrine to yourflock, to persuade them to set their affections on incorruptible things

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above Mou taught them to covet corruptible, earthly blessings insteadof the riches they could carry with them into this blessed world Mourgoal was to sow seeds of deceit into their hearts so you could reap aharvest of filthy lucre Mou would have been perfectly content to allowthe wicked to remain wicked, as an ecuse to lay claim on their

money =s that not so9E The ancient apostle looked at Pete with steelyeyes which would not fall for his lies DBut we ran evangelistic programs6E Pastor Pete cried

D3nly so you could take regular tithes of their money once theycame into your churchO not to mention the special FProve /od>offerings you collected to build that resort for visiting churchofficialsafter lying to the congregation about that money being usedfor missionsE Pastor Pete scratched his head DBut 7t Peter, if our visitingpastors feel refreshed from coming to our conferences, they can goback out to their mission fields and do a better ob where things aren>tso niceE 7t Peter scowled DThe 1awaii 1ilton, perhaps9E A tall powerfully built angel emerged from the Hity gate 1ehanded 7t Peter a scroll L=>ll cite ust a few more of your unrepented-of sins,L said the apostle LAny one of them would keep you out of this1oly Hity 7ome of the sins listed here are' refusing to renounceprofitable heresies, envy of other churches, pride, deceit, greed,covetousnessL LBut 7cripture says Fcovet the best gifts6>L the pastor pleaded LAll= ever wanted was to have the best church possible6 @oesn>t /od want

us to strive for ecellence in our daily lives9 And = didn>t envy otherchurches, = admired them and wanted to be more like them6L

The apostle shook his head LThat>s the sin of emulation Peter,wanting to copy someone else>s sins of pride This blessed realm is sofilled with the s 1oliness that it is useless to try towhitewash your dirty deeds here *othing is hidden from /od>s sightThis whole city is as clear as crystal because of the Blessed Presenceof the 3ne ho is the ay, the Truth and the d ust outsmartedsomebody else for gain The buildings of the Hity shone with a crystalclear transparency unlike any on earth But beyond the pearlescentbrilliance of that wonderful place was a barrier beyond which Peter>ssinful eyes could not see Peter was unable to view the highest plane

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of the 1oly Hity, where the /lory of the Throne of /od transcendedthe brilliance of a billion suns =t was overarched by the seven-huedRainbow of s clothing But Pastor Petewas not pure in heart 1e could not see the t you filch money out ofthe missions fund to finance that first-class cruise to 1awaii, ust soyour base salary would remain untouched and available for otherluuries9L 7t Peter looked disgusted L7o9 = was going to pay it back, 7t Peter, = swear = would havepaid it back6 = needed that vacation, to rest from all my pastoralwork6L LBut you deceived your brethren about the missions fund and manyother matters as well Ananias and 7apphira fell dead at my feet forlying to the 1oly 7pirit about what they did with money allegedlydedicated to /odL L= didn>t eactly lie, 7t Peter = ust didn>t tell them the wholetruth, and = wasgoing to tell them later6L Pastor Pete was sweating bynow LMour /reat #udge has already weighed you in the balance andfound you wanting,L 7t Peter said

L=f that>s the case, 7t Peter, can>t = at least be sent to someintermediate place to grow out of all my sins and faults so = couldsomeday be found worthy to go to heaven9L

7t Peter shook his head L=>m sorry, Peter, it>s impossible =f onlyyou had not been so worried about protecting your reputation amongsinful men =f only you had confessed your sins before thecongregation as a fellow brother in Hhrist and asked their forgivenessfor deceiving them in order that you might rob them /od gives graceto the humble, but you shut your ears to the Ioice of 1is 7piritTherefore, 1e has shut 1is ears to your cry of despairL hat awful anguish filled the eyes of Pastor Pete L3h, namelesshorror6 8ternity lies before me, and there is no turning back6 The onlytime = ever taught my congregation about hell was the day = used it as

a weapon to etort money out of them6 And though = am at the very/ates of Paradise, = stand already condemned in my sins at the /atesof 1ell6 oe unto me6 =f only = had lived up to the meaning of myname6 =f only = had remained true to the Rock of my 7alvation insteadof forsaking 1im for filthy lucre and building my life on shifting sand6=f only = had followed in the steps of the poor fisherman who said'L7ilver and gold have = none, but such as = have give = thee> =f only =

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had laid up treasure in this blessed Paradise, = would not be so poornow6L LPastor Pete,L said the apostle, Lyou became a poor man the dayHhrist ceased to be your dearest TreasureL

K K K K K K

%*EN *E66 7,EE8ES O5E,

Dd better go grabthe clicker before Phil comes in and changes the channel6E

D3h, all right6E Roanne replied DMou watch your preacher and =>ll gowatch my soaps FBye nowE

D1eywait6E #unie $ae begged D@on>t hang up, Roanne6 Mou and8ddie are having a hard time right now, aren>t you9 =f only you>llwatch the sthe hottest thing in church since overhead proectors s specialguest is gonna be a real treat =t seems a special research team hasactually pinpointed the location of hellE

DMeah, yeah,E Roanne sneered D1ell is located in debtor>s court, andthe more you pay the more the preacher prospers6 =f it pays so much

to pay the preacher, then why are you and Phil still struggling to payoff that old pickup truck9E

DThat>s where faith comes in, Roanne !aith is the substance ofthings not yet seenE

Roanne laughed DAll = know, kid, is unless = see the green substance= don>t believeE

D@on>t tune me out , Roanne6 t $om ever win the lottery, buther rent ust went up E

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Dell, maybe your mom didn>t follow all the preacher>s instructions,E#unie $ae said

D@on>t tell me $om didn>t follow instructions6E Roanne cried D7hepasted the preacher>s !ive Pennies of Iictory in a straight line on the

yellow prayer card the preacher sent 7he anointed each penny withcanola oil Then $om clipped off a tiny lock of her hair as a point ofcontact and wrapped up it in her biggest bill, which she inserted in theorange envelope 7he kissed the plastic Ring of 7onship the preachersent Then she pressed the tip of the ring into the bit of Play @oughthe preacher sent and said a special prayer over it $om said the Play@ough represented the sealing wa Bible kings used on their officialdocuments $om used that ring to seal her vow of faithE

Dhat else was your mom supposed to do, Roanne9E

D7he was supposed to take the FTwo Pigeons of Poverty> drawing thepreacher sent, then set fire to it over her barbeCue grill as her Burnt3ffering of !aith The preacher called that her Purge 3ut Poverty Pointof Hontact Then $om was to wait till the ashes from the picturecooled and stick them in the pink envelope Then, my mom stuck allthe smaller envelopes in the /reen Pastures of Prosperity envelope,and the whole shebang constituted her FBlessing Jit> for 3ctober 7hestuck it under her pillow like the preacher told her to, then slept on itfor ust one night, and rushed it to the post office before the deadline3nly problem was, the post office went on strike that day, so $om

couldn>t get it postmarked and put on a truck headed for /lory Hity,Halifornia, till the following dayE

D7o you said your mom used canola oil to anoint her Iictory Pennies9E#unie $ae asked

DMeah, #unie $ae, $om ran out of olive oilE

Dell, no 3*@8R your mom didn>t receive her blessing6 =f thepreacher asked for olive oil, canola oil ust won>t do6 And to make

matters worse, her Blessing Jit didn>t get postmarked before thepreacher>s deadline, Roanne6E

Dell, it wasn>t $om>s fault, #unie $ae6 There weren>t any scabscrossing the post office picket line to load the trucks that day Please,Roanne, =>m getting a headache =>d rather ust forget religion fornow 7o =>ll ust hang up and go watch FAs the 7tomach Hhurns> E

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#unie $ae snorted Roanne was so worldly she>d rather watch a soapopera than s been so good to you, you can>t afford*3T to send an offering in to support this faith ministry6 #esus says in$atthew %%'%4' The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and theviolent take it by force 7aints, it>s high time we got I=3s rightfully ours by faith6 =f you>ll turn with me toProverbs %+'44 =>ll give you still more valuable insight into what>srightfully yours as a child of /odE

The preacher grinned as he read' DA good man leaveth an inheritanceto his children>s children' and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for theustE

D7aints, if you>re any kind of a decent Hhristian at all, you>ll leave morethan a cold body behind when you go to be with #esus Mou>ll leavesomething valuable to your children and even your grandchildren There barely scraping by Butconsider how both parts of this verse fit together Mou have a right toepect that your godly parents or grandparents are leaving M35 aprecious inheritance too6 And even if they aren>t godly, /od says thewealth of the wicked is laid up for M356 *ow when you apply thisscripture by adding what #esus said about the violent taking the

Jingdom by force, 1e didn>t mean to break into anyone>s house tosteal the wealth of the wicked #esus meant that we have to beaggressive in prayer and in standing on the ord of /od Tell yourparents or grandparents you have a mission to fulfill in life which willbenefit all of humanity, and ask them if they are able to beCueath yourpart of their estate to you while they>re still living /3 to them and3P8* M35R $35T1 boldly6 Be sweet, but remember this' !aith mustbe acted upon or your faith is dead Mour relatives can>t take their

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treasures with them when they die 7o invite your prosperous relativeout to lunch or over to dinner, whether they>re saved or lost it makesno difference 7oftly and tenderly remind them that mortal life is notforever and though they own the cattle on a thousand hills, they can>ttake it with them when they goE

D=f the rich relative is saved, your ob is even easier Tell them tomake this faith ministry the prime beneficiary of their life insurancepolicy e at 7eedbag $inistries serve as stewards of /od>s earthlyassets, and we will invest that money wisely e operate missionswhich feed the hungry and clothe the naked in third-world countries@on>t M35 want to be a part of what /od is doing9E

$elodramatic music played A video clip was shown of hungry childrenwith huge eyes, looking up at the camera and holding rice bowls$iserable babies cried in the heat =t made #unie $ae>s heart ache tosee such suffering A woman stirred a pot as listless toddlers lined upfor their daily helping of porridge

#unie $ae sometimes wondered how much of Brother sdonations actually reached those poor people overseas, but she wasmostly interested in how she could get her own miracle

$ore emotive music followed A woman sang her heart out as Brothert ya see9 All your earthly treasures will go up in smoke somedayif you don>t invest Fem in the things of /od6 But if you buy stock in/od>s Jingdom, all your treasures will be laid up way beyond the blueand they>ll be safe on the other side /ive what you have to help ushelp others around the globe 7eedbag $inistries is a faith ministrythat counts on M356 And if you persuade that aunt, uncle or grandmathat>s been materially blessed to include us in their will and use thatmoney for /od>s glory before they pass on, then your precious loved

ones will be investing in their own salvation 8ven as /odremembered all the precious gifts given by the Roman centurionHornelius in Acts Hhapter %&, 1e will remember the sacrifices yourunconverted loved ones make to the Jingdom of /od $an, /od willgo out of 1is way to save your precious loved ones, ust like 1e did forHornelius, if only they>ll share their substance with this worthy work of/od 7aints, please, please please persuade your relatives to take atiny step of faith towards #esus Their eternal destiny depends on it6

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And right here we have @r !lavil Broadman, Hhief Hhair of /eological!orensics at $armaduke 5niversity D@rBroadman, we>re proud tohave you here on the 7eedbag 7owers 7how Tell me, do the findingsof your research team substantiate the Biblical allegation that hell is aplace to be feared9E

A bespectacled man in a purple suit shook hands with the preacherand warmly greeted the TI audience 1e rubbed his chin D!rom arational, obective perspective, Brother s crust 5ltrasound data we gatheredindicates that this volcanic shaft etends thousands of miles below thecrust, or top layer of the earth =n fact, this fissure sinks thousands ofmiles down into the earth>s mantle 5sing remote control etpropulsion technology, we launched a robotic data-gathering devicedeep down into this remarkable rip in the fabric of the earth, and ourdevice is now gathering precious data in a spot close to the earth>smagnetic coreE

D@oes this new data collection technology have any particular name,@r Broadman9E inCuired Brother t believe what we discovered down there6 All = know is

this' if = didn>t believe in a devil>s hell, =>d reconsider after hearing andviewing the scientifically documented evidence we>ve accumulatedE

Brother ll continue to dig deeper intothis vital truthE

#unie $ae bit her nails The entire show was only thirty minutes long,and twenty minutes had already elapsed 1opefully, the song wouldn>tbe a long one

After the song, which seemed to go on forever, @r Broadman rambledon about his eperience in the science of data analysis 1ismonotonous mutterings filled up precious air time but inspired no one*ear the end of the program the Deminent professor of geologyE leteveryone know his D@I@ of shocking revelationsE was being madefreely available to faithful supporters of 7eedbag $inistries

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Brother s @omain Plus, we>ll send you, free of charge, our vast

collection of =t>s 73 /ood6 Iictory @I@>s As an added bonus, we>llthrow in a @I@ of the 1oly ll ourneywith us through Jing 1e2ekiah>s Tunnel Mou>ll take a camel ride withus as we eplore the streets of 3ld #erusalem and stop at a snackstand to witness to the locals Mou even get to see me being stonedwith stale falafel balls ust because = made a few boo boos when =practiced my Arabic But seriously, saints, please persuade your AuntBessie or 5ncle #oe to sow seeds to secure their own salvation6 *oone knows how much longer they>ve got to live =f they will honor thes to prepare your family for the terrible days aheadE

As t seen hide nor hair ofyou since you were knee-high to a grasshopper hat>s up, #unie $ae9

1as your mother gotten divorced yet9E

D*o, Aunt !ibula @addy died two years agoE #unie $ae tried to hidepart of the truth without actually lying DThere are needs which needto be met, and = feel so desperate right nowE

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DAha6E the sharp old lady cried DMou couldn>t care less about $861oney, you aren>t the first long-lost relative who came looking for mein time of need hat is it you R8As a wonderful boy, Aunt !ibula 1emustn>t be denied his chance in life ust because times are badE

Aunt !ibula was nobody>s fool After a few more Cuestions about#amie, which #unie $ae fudged, she asked' DHould = meet #amie, #unie$ae9 =>ll personally pay #amie>s air fare if he>d like to spend a fewdays visiting me in !lorida 1e could meet a lot of long-lost cousinswho are his own ageE

#unie $ae abruptly hung up Mes, #amie A7 capable of becoming alawyer or a doctor But that wasn>t #amie>s bag !or the past year,#amie had been busking the streets of faraway !risco trying to breakinto the music business *o grammatical lie had been uttered by #unie$ae, but falsehood had been conveyed to the mind of the listener inan effort to get Dseed faith moneyE

D3h, phooey6E #unie $ae grumbled D=>ve ust gotta get that big

collection of @I@>s6 =>ve ust gotta find out what hell is like6 = onlyneed two grand6E

At that moment, some scripture-twistin> imp reminded #unie $ae of astory in == Jings Hhapter : where 8lisha asked the poor widow' Dhatdo you have in your house9E and subseCuently a miracle came into theneedy lady>s life #unie $ae>s face cracked into a smile DAha6 That>sthe same story Pastor /ary tells us over and over again at church6 =t>sin the Bible, so =>ll use what>s in my house to get my miracle6E

All #unie $ae had to hock was cheap costume ewelry, and an epertcould definitely tell the difference But waitthere was Phil>s shotgun,which he seldom used And Phil had a wealth of old first edition comicbooks, kept in his old army footlocker6 hy, they dated all the wayback to the %;+&>s, :&>s and .&>s, and had been passed on to him byhis dad6 And Phil>s old 8lvis records6 *ot to mention Phil>s antiCueRobby Robot and his $otorola #uke Bo, still in mint condition6 Theywere all stashed away in the cobwebby attic, long forgotten #unie $ae

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could hock them at the pawn shop, and long before Phil noticed theywere missing she could redeem them once her Dmiracle harvestE camein And, she reasoned, wasn>t feeding the hungry more important thanhoarding up treasures in this earth9

All night long #unie $ae wrestled with her conscience But she hadbecome so addicted to seed faith gambling that once Phil walked outthe door in the morning she went to work on her scheme 7he calledthe pawn broker, who actually got ecited about her vintage treasuresThe man agreed to come out to her house at four o>clock, about threehours before Phil was due home from his house painting ob

#unie $ae>s heart was in her mouth as she peeked through the blindsand saw the big white van pull up in her driveway Hordially sheinvited the man in and led him up the attic stairs The pawnbrokertold #unie $ae he>d carefully appraise each piece before finallyagreeing on how much money he could loan her =f he liked her stuffenough, he said, he might offer to buy the whole lot outright for hisauctioneer business

#unie $ae showed the man an antiCue radio D=t still works,E she said,Dand = can prove itE 7he waded through a pile of unk and located anelectrical outlet /ood The old cloth-covered cord wasn>t too frayed#unie $ae plugged the radio in and fiddled with its old buttons till shecut through the crackling static and found a clear station

The radio was going loud and clear when an old pickup truck pulledinto the driveway #unie $ae couldn>t hear it because of the radio andthe remarks of the pawn broker 1e liked the music so much heturned it up louder D= was cra2y about this song when = was a kid,E hesaid Ds /o 7teady AgainE reverberated throughout the house asthe pawn broker boogied away hat an odd character, #unie $aethought as she pulled comics out of the old war chest

As the music played, #unie $ae showed the man some old @H HomicsThrilled by the treasures in the attic, he sang' DH>mon, baby, let>s go

steady again6E

D1AT =* Bt supposed to come home for three hoursE #unie$ae began weakly

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D= forgot my spackle gun and caulking6E Phil cried D7o who is 18, andwhat are you two doing up here9E

D1e only wanted to see your antiCues, Phil6E #unie $ae cried

D7o what 8s face was red as abeet and his fists were on his hips 1e looked scary to the pawndealer, who was barely half his si2e

Terrified, the man shoved a pile of old maga2ines in Phil>s pathway,making him stumble long enough so he could scamper down the stairsand make a run for it But to his dismay, he found his van blocked byPhil>s pickup 7cared out of his wits, he revved up the van as Philbolted outside demanding a further eplanation The man made a 5-turn in the front yard, sCuashing some flower beds Phil ran after him,rapping on the back of his van and yelling about pulveri2ed petuniasThe white van roared down the road Phil scratched his head and said,DAll = was trying to do was talk, for Pete>s sake6E

Dhy do you think he got so scared9E he asked #unie $ae

Dell, you have been shaving your head lately, and you>ve got such asunburn it made you look madder than you actually wereE

D= A7 mad, #unie $ae hat was = supposed to think, seeinganother man dancing in the attic with my wife9E

D3h, Phil6E she cried D!or Pete>s sake, he was old enough to be mydad6E

DBut he>s still got a few good miles left in him6E

D1e was only checking the radio to see if it worked, and he usthappened to like that particular song, that>s allE

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DAnd maybe = happen to like the stuff that belongs to me6E Philreminded her D#ust because it>s up in the attic gathering dust doesn>tmake it any less precious to me6E

DMou>re lucky = don>t hit women6E he hissed Dhat>re you, cra2y or

something, selling my stuff behind my back9E

DBut, Phil, = wasn>t selling it, only pawning it, as collateral for a K4&&&loan6 The preacher on TI promised he>d send a big stack of free@I@>s free of charge to anybody who sent in a minimum donation ofK4&&&, and that offer epires in ust a few days6 Mou never used thatunk anyway, Phil, and once the s still stealing, #unie $ae6 3r didn>t your preacher ever teachyou that9E

DBut = wanted to get ll R8Ave gottasend in a K4&&& donation, and the way you were gonna get thatmoneyE

D3h, please, Phil, don>t be mad at me6E 7he backed away from him

D1ave = ever laid a hand on you, or anybody else before, #unie $ae9!act is, = feel sorry for you6 Mou>re no different from those drug addicts= saw walking the streets of d beg, borrow or steal to gettheir net fi, and religious gambling ust happens to be your habit6E

DPhil, = thought you were a HhristianE

D7o you think =>m no Hhristian ust because = epect others to respect

my personal property, and ust because = can see through thosereligious pimps on Prey TI9 T18M>R8 the ones in danger of going tohell, #unie $ae, the way they mess up people>s minds6 They>ve turnedthe good


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DMeah6 They tell people in so many words' F7end us money or /od willlet you rot in your troubles and forget you eist Pay up, people, or wewon>t tell you what hell is really like6 But T18M know what hell is like,#unie $ae, and every time they come on that TI and make a pitch formoney they show you the true meaning of hell6 1ell>s full of liars,

swindlers, and parasites like they are6 = get mad sometimes, #unie$ae, but at least = go out every day and earn an honest living by thesweat of my brow6 Those leeches on Prey TI, the only sweating theyever do is if the camera lights get too bright6 The day = hear of one ofthose religious cons actually using their own two hands to buildsomething, or do an honest day>s labor, or even cleaning their ownbathroom, is the day hell will free2e overE

S S S S S

=t wasn>t a week later before #unie $ae got a distress call fromRoanne D$y mother>s flipped 7he took money she>d saved for newdentures and actually sent it to Brother Bradley Bellows on Prey TI6E

DMou don>t say6E #unie $ae gasped DTell me moreE

D$y mom has been in constant pain from slipping dentures ButBrother Bellows did his song and dance routine on TI as usualAnyhow, his latest line is this' F7acrifice more and you>ll reach the And' FThose who sow in tears shall reap in oy> 1e>s saying thatit>s Fwhen the sacrifice hurts the worst it proves /od>s about to move>

And what could hurt my poor mother more than sore gums9 7o $ommade one last gamble of faith with what little she had left But thingsonly got worse for her, believe it or not The electric company ustturned off her uice, and me and 8ddie had to bail her out But wedon>t have the money for her denturesE

Dhat are you gonna do, Roanne9E

D= feel like we>re up against a brick wall Anyhow, = did some diggingand got the number of a close associate of Brother Bellows =

eplained that my mother gets carried away sometimes, but she madea terrible mistake sacrificing her badly needed denture money, andcould they please refund it as an act of Hhristian charity9E

Dhat did he say9E

Dhen hell free2es overE

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K K K K K K

P'& +P4 P',NE,!

8d 8gghead was a simple soul who wanted to have his very ownchurch 8d couldn>t afford to rent a place to hold services in 8d>sfriends didn>t have much money either, but they all decided to startthe church anyway

!or several weeks 8d, his wife, and three other Hhristian familiesgathered in the den of his large home 7ince they were all personalfriends, 8d didn>t mind the relaed, informal atmosphere 8veryoneust enoyed being together, sharing from the ord, singing, andsharing their testimonies After each service they would gather round a

table and enoy coffee and a snack 8veryone would always bedecently, but casually dressedust like a close-knit Hhristian family

Then, like a bombshell, everything began to change 8d showed upone night in a starched white shirt, black suit, pinstripe tie, and shinyblack shoes 1is wife wore a strand of pearls and a charcoal graytailored suit 7he entered the room stiffly The others looked antsy

D1ey, 8d,E his best buddy Rupert said Dhat>s up9 Are you guys onyour way to a funeral9E

D*o, Brother Rupert,E 8d said stiffly DAnd if it>s all the same to you, =>dprefer if you called me DPastor 8dwardE and my wife D7ister 8dwinaE

DMou gotta be okin> right9E $illie $orris said D8die,E she said to 8d>swife, Dwe>re still best friends, aren>t we9E

8die smiled primly D7urely, $ildred DMou>ll always be highlyesteemed in my personal affections But if we>re to conduct a properchurch service, the proper protocol must be observed =n informalsocial settings, you may still address me as F8die> ithin the confines

of the sanctuary = prefer that you address me as F7ister 8dwina>out ofrespect for my husband>s newly acCuired position of authorityE

D1ey, what>s goin> on here anyway9E Brother $ike demandedD8nough of this oke already6 1ey, man, =>m worried about you guys6Mou didn>t even crack a smile6E

D7it down, Brother $ike6E 8d rebuked DMou>re way out of order6E

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As a bewildered $ike plopped back down on the sofa, 8d stood alooffrom his former friends 8die brought in a tall college professor>slectern DThis>ll do for now,E 8d said Dhen the cash starts rolling in=>ll get me one of those solid redwood pulpits from 7acred 7upply

Henter And furthermore, we>re gonna chuck out all this furniture =fwe>re gonna be a real $cHoy church, we>ll have to AHT and Brother 8dward>9E inCuired Rupert

DBecause Brother Peso on TI taught me this' F=f you dress for success,with money you>ll be blessed But if you wear a sweater you>re no go-getter> 7o wear a tie, guys, if you wanna make it and be a moneymagnetE

The other men looked at him like he had flipped, but said nothing

8d>s wife soberly added, D!rom now on, unless a special occasionnecessitates the provision of refreshments, they will no longer beprovided Hhurch services have as their chief end the sustenance ofthe soul, not the gratification of physical appetite Mou may all dine inyour own homes before services commence each weekE

8veryone moaned 8d said, D7he>s right, everybody The apostle Pauldid say' F1ave ye not homes to eat and to drink in>9 e>re trying tocut a few corners for financing our new church, so we really don>t needany freeloaders herenot that anybody>s been oneE 8d got somestony looks

Dhat = meant to say is this' Hoffee and cookies only draw ourattention away from the rich spiritual food =>ll be providing each weekPaul said, Ft think Paulapproved of turning church into a big coffee break6 All the more

reason why we>ve gotta grow up and get the pews and go get us a realbuilding And = don>t think Paul would have kept ll all match on>t be long, we>ll buy apew or two to match that fancy new pulpit = ordered by faithE

Dhat do you mean, you ordered that pulpit Fby faith>9E $ike asked,looking suspicious

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DThat>s per2actly what = meant, $ike6 = have faith in M35 that you>lldo the decent thing and get me that brand new 7oul of =nspirationRedwood Pew6 #ust like suits and ties attract cash, pews made frommaestic redwood trees inspire maestic sermons6E

D7ince we>d all be chipping in to pay for the pulpit, do we all get to useit to share our testimonies from9E Rupert wondered

8d coughed D7haring is J=@ 7T5!!6 That>s what =>$ here for, people6There>s only room for 3*8 preacher in this particular pulpit, and hisname is 8dward 8gghead6 =>$ the guy who almost graduated Bibleschool, not you6 And the only reason = didn>t finish was = had a cashflow problem6

Dhich reminds me' =f you mean business about having this church,you guys will have to spring for new church furniture, A*@ you>ll kickin a few grand so = can go back and get my degree Mou guys need apastor you can be PR35@ ofE

Hhilly silence D8dwina,E 8d said stiffly, DPlease bring up the newoffering bag you bought today e only bought one bag, saints, but atleast it>s a step of faith As our church gets bigger, we>ll buy a bunchmore of those fancy bagsE

8die daintily handed him the single blue velvet bag, which was

attached to a wooden handle

DH>mon now, 8d6E Brother Barney called DThis is getting ridiculousMou don>t need that thing here6 This isn>t estchester Hathedral6E

D=t could be,E 8d said, Fif only you>ll be more positive and see past yourown nose To prove your faith, = want everybody to make a vow offaith tonight that they>ll dedicate ten percent of each paycheck to ournew church6 e>re gonna be a T=T1=*/ church6E

DAre you a


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collect tithes $ike didn>t delve too deeply into the complications of theissue, as he didn>t feel like starting an argument

DThe t make you a d resume the discussion the following week 1alf hiscongregation grumbled and threatened not to come back

*et week only $ike and his family showed up, formally dressed to8die>s approval 7he admitted them and escorted them to the den toawait another service

hat a sight 8d was when he walked in, dressed up in a estern shirtand brand new eans6 1e grinned at $ike from under a 7tetsoncowboy hat

D= shore as shootin> ain>t wearin> no bonnet6E 8d said, holding out theoffering bag But = am wearin>


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@arlene hugged him and said, DMou>re a wonderful pastor, #oe, andyou know it6 Mour revolutionary new teachings are meeting thedeepest needs of our congregation, and you>re ust as good or betterthan any of those speakers we heard at the seminar =>ve heard somany dysfunctional people talking about how their personal self-

esteem has blossomed since they began to sit under your ministryE

DBut = don>t seem to be getting through to the young people, @arlene68very time = ask them to get involved in a church fundraiser, they getthat Dwhat>s in it for meE look on their sad faces 1ow will = ever raisea new crop of faithful contrib= mean, converts, if = don>t connect withthe youth9E

#oe sighed D= ust might as well ask the church board to transfer meover to 7un Hity Hathedral, where = heard there>s an opening for apersonable, people-oriented pastor who holds a post-doctorate indoctrinal dissertation !act is, =>ve already been approached by theirchurch elders to fill the vacancy in their pulpit There>s a big increasein salary and perks in it for usE

@arlene gasped D7un Hity is trying to buy you away from 7eedtimeAssembly9 hy didn>t you let me in on that little secret9E

#oe shrugged D= was going to, @arlene, but = was afraid you>d say no= ust feel like it>s time for us to move on to greener pastures And ifyou say yes, things could be so much nicer for usE

D#oe,E @arlene pleaded, Dwherever you go you>ll face new challengesMou can>t ust run away from them #ust bloom where you>re plantedE

DAll = know is, it might be easier for this old crocus to bloom at 7unHity Hathedral,E #oe said D7ometimes the grass grows greener on theother side of townE

@arlene sulked DMou know how = hate having to make new friends allover again, and try to break into the most eclusive church cliCues

And = bet they all wear the finest fashions at 7un Hity =>m so wellaccepted at this church, #oe, that =>m scared they>ll look down on us at7un Hity =>d far rather be a big fish at 7eedtime Assembly than aminnow at 7un Hity HathedralE

D7o you don>t think poor little sardines like us are rich enough to winover those la-dee-da lobsters9E #oe sighed D=>ll figure that into my

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decision Mou know =>d do anything in the world to make you happy,honey s take a week to sleep on itE

D!air enough,E @arlene said Ds kiss on itE

*et day @arlene confided in her best friend, #enny !lagstone, head ofthe church youth department D#enny,E @arlene said over a cup ofcoffee, Dwe>ve got to think of some way to keep #oe from defectingover to 7un Hity Hathedral *o amount of money is worth pastoringthose horrendous snobs =t>s enough of a trial to have to mi withthem at the regional conference, and = ust know the ladies there lookdown on us ust because our church is in a middle-class area =>d beunder their scrutiny all the time They>d bu22 about my hair, mywardrobe, my weightE

D= wouldn>t go to that church for all the tea in 7wahili,E #enny said Dedon>t want you to leave either, @arlene Mou ust told me the mainproblem is how #oe feels insecure about the apathy among the youthin our church hat if we offered those kids some incentive to want toget more involved, and at the same time make #oe feel more secure inhis role as pastor of 7eedtime Assembly9 =n personal relationshipstherapy that>s called Fpositive stroking>

!or the net two hours @arlene and #enny brainstormed until theycooked up a plan to make #oe want to stay on as pastor of the lessaffluent church =n three weeks> time the young people would host a

burger cookout, after which they would put on a skit to show Pastor#oe ust how much his teaching had impacted their spiritual lives =ftheir performance persuaded him to stay on as pastor of 7eedtimeAssembly, their reward would be a week-long skiing holiday on8aglebeak $ountain

Dhat a marvelous idea6E @arlene cried D#enny, it>s worth so much tome to persuade #oe to stay at 7eedtime Assembly, =>ll personallyfinance the skiing trip and pay for all the props and costumes 7o itwon>t need to come out of the church treasuryE

Don>t you have to consult #oe about this proect, @arlene9E

Dhat = do with my own personal funds is none of his business,E@arlene replied DBesides, #oe>s feeling so fragile he>d only obect =>llust tell him the kids are hosting special festivities for D1onor ThyPastor @ayE, and =>ll tell them to keep the reward part a secretE

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#enny stared at @arlene, open-mouthed D= didn>t know D1onor ThyPastor @ayE fell on #uly 4(E

D= don>t think it falls on any day at all,E @arlene admitted DBut = don>tthink #oe will be bothered much about thatE

D=>ll spread the word immediately,E #enny said D=>ll even call up thekids who haven>t been to 7unday 7chool in a year and ask them tobring all their friends and familyE

S S S S S S

The church wasn>t eactly packed on the night of the performance, ,but it was at least two-thirds full, better than anyone had epectedBehind the curtain lights illuminated cardboard Biblical scenery Avictory chorus played softly from a speaker

#enny !lagstone stood before all assembled to announce that aftersuch a scrumptious cookout, there was to be an additional treat fromthe Mouth !ellowship The young people were about to demonstratewith a drama skit their appreciation for the contribution the pastor hadmade to their spiritual development And, most importantly, theteenagers, who ranged in age between %4 and %0, had composed theplay themselves The starring role would be played by a %+-year-oldboy, Buster

The curtain lifted People politely applauded the entrance of the firstcharacter 1e wore a striped satin robe with a gold sash =ts widelapels glittered with rhinestones 3n the boy>s feet were goldenguaraches garnished with garnets D1i, everybody6E he called out in asCueaky voice D$y name is Prosperity Pete6 $y religion is real H33ve gotta do iswish for fish, and if = confess the best, fish will fall at my feet realfast6E 7ee the diamond fish pin on my +-piece robe9 7ee my big bag ofbass9E


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/roaning, #et 7et #ames lowered his heavy sack D= confessed the bestand lookie what = got6 #ames scooped out handfuls of chocolate coinswrapped in gold foil 1e tossed them out to kids watching in the frontrow #ames laid more treasures on a wooden table' fake ewelry andplastic crowns, glittery trinkets galore #ames tooted on a plastic horn,

drawing laughs from the audience

DAh, look at this6E #ames cried DA genu-wine arky-ologist>s pri2e' asilver Romane s cooler than Jing1erod>s 1ourglass6 Poor Peter, all he>s got is smelly fishE

hap6 #et 7et #ames got slapped on the noggin with one of ProsperityPete>

Documents

Sell-vation Parables