Building Self Esteem and Self Confidence

Learning Objectives

• Grow in the conviction that you are competent and worthy of happiness.

• Develop some techniques for making a positive first impression.

• Learn how to turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts.

• Learn how to make requests so that you get what you want.

• Find ways of connecting with people.

Elephant Story

As I was passing the elephants, I suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.

I saw a trainer near by and asked why these beautiful, magnificent animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. "Well," he said, "when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it's enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away.

They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free." I was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn't, they were stuck right where they were.

Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?

Anxiety Inventory

• This isn’t a validated test to measure your self esteem.

• However, a high score is a good indicator that you are under stress, and often times that stress comes from our own feelings of inadequacy in various situations.

• If these conditions persist, consult your doctor.

Building Your Self-Esteem

• Of all the judgments you make in life, none is as important as the one you make about yourself.

• High self-esteem does not mean that we are arrogant, conceited or insensitive.

• High self-esteem does not mean we never have self-doubts.

• Behaviour, both verbal and visual, is all about communication.

• Your behaviour will affect other people and how they think of you.

Situations 1

• You are at the wheel of a friend's new car. You park it in the owner's driveway, lined with hawthorn bushes. You accidentally put a scratch on the door because you are too close to the hedge. If the owner of the car says, "It's nothing. Don't worry about it," yet her face is red with rage, you will not believe that she is unconcerned. She just finds it easier to control what she says than to control her visual behaviour. We hear what people say, but we pay more attention to their body language.

Situation 2

• You get up in the morning after a restless night and you cut yourself shaving or your hair goes funny. You are running late and only have time for a glass of orange juice before you head to work. Traffic is bad and you hit a pothole so hard you think you broke the front suspension on your vehicle. By the time you get to work, you're fuming. You look out of sorts and you snap at people. They leave you alone or they snap back. The whole day can be ruined because you chose to behave like a bear with a sore ear.

Impressions

People determine seven things from your appearance.

• Income• Education Level• Social Position• Sophistication• Success• Moral Character• Trustworthiness

Fake it ‘til you Make It

• If we don’t feel confident, should we act as though we are?

• Most researchers say yes. • We might even end up fooling ourselves!

“Whenever I feel afraid, I whistle a happy tune, and no one ever knows I’m afraid.”

Can you think of people who have overcome bigger hurdles than most of

us have to face?

“If it’s to be, it’s up to me.”

Increasing our Self Esteem

• If you see all your faults and recite them to yourself when you look in the mirror, your self-esteem takes a beating.

• If you can look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I like my hair today,” or, “I have a friendly looking face,” your self-esteem grows a little bit.

Self Confidence • Pretend you are confident• Monitor your self-talk• When you meet people, look them in the eye • Smile• Listen• Know your stuff• Rehearsal is the best confidence builder• Every day, remind yourself that you have done things

well• Read inspiring biographies and autobiographies• Be thankful• Build excellent support around you• Push yourself to accomplish short-term goals• Do something for yourself every week

The Power of Thoughts

• Psychologist Eugene Sagan describes the negative inner voice that criticizes and attacks you: your pathological critic.

• When your self-esteem is low, is it because your pathological critic is in your head?

• Can you change those thoughts?

Case Study

Ways that your thinking can be distorted:• All or nothing thinking• Overgeneralization• Mental filter• Discounting the positives• Magnification or minimization• Emotional reasoning• “Should” statements• Labeling• Blame

Wipe Out Worry

• Postpone worrying• Be realistic about the downside• Focus on your successes• Take a short relaxation break

Ask for What You Want

Reasons why we don’t ask for what we want:• We believe that it’s not right to ask• We lack confidence• We fear rejection

Ways to ensure that you get results when you ask:• Ask clearly.• Ask with confidence. • Ask creatively. • Ask sincerely.

Communication

• These interpersonal communication skills are the vehicle by which all interactions between you and other people are made clear.

• Much of the communication that occurs between people is one-way, without either party truly hearing the other or accurately understanding what was said.

• The way we view the world, or the windows through which we see the world, can either help or hinder our communication with others.

Story -North Wind & Sun

Dale Carnegie-How to Win Friends and Influence People

Connecting with People

• Talk to people about the things they are interested in.

• Try to see things from their point of view.• Genuinely like people.• Smile• Make them feel important. Use their name.• Don’t criticize others.• Help them see (WIIFM )what’s in it for them if

they do what you ask them to do.

The Retiring Carpenter Story(Our attitudes and choices determine our future.)

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. He would get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter finished his work, the employer came to inspect the house. He handed the front door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you." The carpenter was shocked! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us. We build our lives a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back. You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, erect a wall. "Life is a do-it-yourself project," someone has said. Your attitude and the choices you make today build the "house" you live in tomorrow

Behaviour Cost-Benefit Analysis

•It’s hard to make changes. •One incentive that can help us stick to our

new resolutions is to understand the consequences of our actions: the cost and the benefit.

•Try to identify one behaviour that you want to change and do a cost benefit analysis of it.

• Admiring celebrities, even from afar, can help people with low self-esteem to see themselves in a more flattering light, according to a new study.

• The study, by researchers from the University at Buffalo and State University of New York, illustrates how such “parasocial” relationships can benefit people facing difficulties in interpersonal relationships.

• The researchers based their study on 100 undergraduates to examine the relationship between self-esteem, parasocial relationship closeness and self-discrepancies.

Lets JAM !!!

Topic: My hero…..