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Here's the outline of 28 Oct 14 Lesson Call about Self- Confidence and Self-Worth.

Self confidence to do be-get

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Page 1: Self confidence to do be-get

Here's the outline of 28 Oct 14 Lesson Call about Self-

Confidence and Self-Worth.

Page 2: Self confidence to do be-get

REVIEW: How many legs are on the stool of Self-Esteem?

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Answer = Three: Self-Confidence, Self-Respect, and

Self-Worth.

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Self-Confidence comes from knowing you are competent.

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Self-Respect comes from knowing you are trustworthy,

to others and to yourself.

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Self-Worth comes from feeling deserving of good things and

lovable just as you are.

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QUESTION: Can you feel self-confident when you are NOT

competent?

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ANSWER: Yes, but you shouldn't.

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We Americans tend to think being optimistic about what

you can do is a Very Good Thing.

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But it's more rational to be realistic about what you don't

yet know how to do.

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And being realistic and rational leads to saying, "I might eventually be able to."

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That doesn't sound like optimism, but when you consider practical limits...

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It's more realistic to acknowledge that some things

are hard to learn how to do.

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And it's rational to acknowledge that some obstacles are tough to

overcome.

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And it's smart to see that the ecology of your life might

prioritize other goals.

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So, even though it feels almost unpatriotic to say it, the most

realistic view is:

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Self-Confidence makes sense only after you have a track

record of learning to mastery.

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When you take on a new challenge, you have three steps that are essential:

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1) Learn new concepts 2) Practice new skills 3) Achieve

mastery of tasks

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You're not competent just because you have gained knowledge or memorized

facts.

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You're closer when you have gained knowledge AND

practiced new skills.

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But you aren't really competent until you have

practiced those new skills long enough --

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That you have passed a test, achieved a goal, or mastered

some task that matters.

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Once you can say with pride, "I know how to do that, because

I have done it well, before!"

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Then you are truly competent, and your Self-Confidence is

justified.

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And that confidence is not easily shaken, because you

have a track record of mastery.

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You can point to a certificate on the wall, a trophy on the shelf, or a birdhouse built.

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Self-Confidence based on competence is no brag, just

fact.

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QUESTION: Shouldn't parents try to build their children's Self-Confidence early on,

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by saying things like "You can do anything you set your mind

to!" or ...

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"The sky is the limit for someone like you. If you can dream it, you can achieve it!"

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ANSWER: Only if it's good to teach your children to really

believe in Santa Claus.

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We Americans love the sentiment of "You can do

anything you set your mind to," and

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We have lots of examples of ordinary people who learned

to do extraordinary things.

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But it isn't factually true that anyone can do anything they

can dream of doing.

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And it isn't even factually true that anyone can do anything if

they work hard enough.

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And it is probably true that some things are so hard for

you to learn, you won't.

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And even if you learn the facts, you might not have time or

talent to learn the skills.

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And even if you learn facts and practice skills, you might not

be able to pass tests.

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And some tasks are herculean, even if you could learn how,

practice skills, and

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master the basics: eg. "I want to read every book written by

an American!"

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The parenting instinct to empower our children to think

positively feels right.

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And is right if we help them recognize how real power to

do things is gained:

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By learning things, practicing skills, and getting good enough

to do stuff well.

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When we teach our kids that learning new things is fun, we

help empower them.

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When we help our kids practice skills so they get

better, we empower them.

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And when they practice enough to master something,

they own their power.

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Instead of giving them a falsely optimistic version of reality

that sounds good,

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We can give them a reality-based process that actually

helps them be good.

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Step 1: "You can learn lots of new things; you already have!"

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Step 2: "It's hard now, but as you practice it gets easier and

you get better."

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Step 3: "When you practice well, your skills grow till you

can master tasks."

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This process grows Self-Confidence, because it grows

competence.

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And what does it have to do with Self-Worth?

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It's hard to feel deserving of good things unless you have

earned some of them.

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In America, our culture tends mostly to reward people who

can do things well.

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(There are exceptions. Good teachers aren't well paid, but

the Kardashians...)

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And we label folks who think they deserve good things

unearned as 'spoiled.'

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Maslow labeled the third level of his heirarchy of needs "Self-

Esteem."

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And his definition fits ours of both Self-Respect and Self-

Confidence.

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(We'll be looking at Self-Respect in more detail next

week.)

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It's American to believe if you are able, you should earn your

keep.

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And if you can add great value to others, you should earn

more than enough.

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From the inside, we tend to believe we deserve good things if we earn them.

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Competence that leads to rewards builds Self-Confidence

and Self-Worth.

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Would you agree with Maslow that we i>need</i> to be competent at something?

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Or with Freud that love is one hand but work the other of

healthy selfhood?

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Even mostly dysfunctional parents tend to give praise to

kids who DO well,

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Though they are stingy with approval for kids who deserve

their BEing affirmed.

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Not only our children deserve to know how the three steps

to competence.

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Our inner-child can benefit from that knowledge too.

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What kind of affirmations or empowering beliefs can you

install that:

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a) Excite you about learning new things?

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b) Encourage your practicing new skills as you gain

proficiency?

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c) Endorse your setting challenging goals that stretch

you to mastery?

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These would be affirmations that install beliefs that work as

you work:

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"I can learn new things I've never known before, think

what I never thought."

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"I can improve by practice what I am not skilled at yet,

until I do know how."

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"I can keep working till I reach my goals, pass my tests, stretch to get success."

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Instead of trying to get myself to believe what is not yet true,

hopeful lies:

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"I am bright, smart, brilliant, and a genius, regardless of

how little I know."

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"I am capable, competent, able, proficient, though I never

rode a bike before."

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"I am masterful and skilled, accomplished and admired,

without having tried."

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These are crazy affirmations, perfect invitations for the

snarky self to sneer at.

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What we need are affirmations that are true now, that also

affirm a future reality.

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Affirmations that can't be sneered at by the snarky self,

but are also true now.

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Next week's tool is another kind of affirmation, the kind

that grows competence.

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Affirmations that avoid the snarky self discounting because they are true.

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And also empowering a future that is not yet here, affirming

as real what will be.

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These affirmations are of the DO - BE - GET format. And

they are good for kids.

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Our offspring and our younger-selves. We create them in

reverse order.

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So you can be thinking ahead, if your younger-self is wanting

to feel capable.

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Imagine what it is that your younger-you wants to GET?

What goal? Outcome?

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And imagine how you would have to BE or BECOME to

achieve that.

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Then imagine what you would have to DO to become that

kind of person.

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More to follow. More to grow.

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