SCREAMOLOGY 101

By

thorney33

Characters by Dan Harmon; concept by Kevin Williamson and

Wes Craven.

SCENE ONE: GIRLS’ NIGHT

INT. SHIRLEY’S HOUSE - NIGHT

The episode begins in Shirley’s living room. ANNIE EDISON

(Alison Brie), BRITTA PERRY (Gillian Jacobs) and SHIRLEY

BENNETT (Yvette Brown) are sitting in the lounge room,

drinking and eating finger food. It is night time outside,

and the TV is on with a blank blue screen.

SHIRLEY

I have to say, it’s nice to get

away from the boys for a night and

have some fun with my favourite

girls.

ANNIE

Awww!

BRITTA

It’s not ’nice’, Shirley; it’s

liberating. Here, we can act

however we want without fear of

being judged based on our gender.

ANNIE

(wide-eyed)

Really? Do we still get popcorn?

BRITTA

Am I the kind of person who would

deny hungry movie-goers popcorn?

Annie and Shirley stare at each other. Britta, bemused,

pulls out some packets from her handbag.

BRITTA

Am I really that much of a killjoy?

ANNIE

(changing the subject)

So what are we watching, Britta?

SHIRLEY

Oh, please say it’s something

romantic. With Andre and the boys

out of town I might actually get to

watch something I want to for once.

BRITTA

Romance? Pfft. You mean something

that shows us how men are the

centre of the universe and our

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

BRITTA (cont’d)

lives? No thank-you! Tonight is

about getting away from that crap.

SHIRLEY

Something funny?

BRITTA

You mean something demeaning and

bigoted? No thanks!

SHIRLEY

Something racy, and sassy?

BRITTA

You mean sexualising? Please.

ANNIE

(sarcastically)

What does that leave, then? A

documentary on lesbians with well

payed jobs and no boobs?

BRITTA

(evilly)

Something scary.

Britta grins and takes a movie out of her handbag; it is the

original Scream.

SHIRLEY

Oh, no, no, no. I do not do scary

movies, Britta.

BRITTA

Come on, Shirley...it’s Halloween

in a few days!

SHIRLEY

And it’s going to be Christmas in a

few months; you gonna start going

to Church, atheist?

ANNIE

Shirley, calm down! It’s just a

movie.

SHIRLEY

Nuh-nuh, I’m outta here.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

BRITTA

But it’s your house!

ANNIE

Please? Just give it a chance; this

is supposed to be a girls night,

remember?

Shirley looks at Annie, who appears just as scared as she

does, and sighs.

SHIRLEY

Fine. Can’t say no to those puppy

dog eyes.

ANNIE

Now that’s liberating!

SHIRLEY

But hear this, Britta. If this

movie keeps me up all damn night

then I’m coming after you, you hear

me?

BRITTA

Got it.

Britta puts the movie in and the movie begins with Casey

Becker picking up the phone.

[CASEY]

Hello?

[GHOSTFACE]

Hello.

[CASEY]

Yes?

[GHOSTFACE]

Who is this?

SHIRLEY

Star 69 his ass, girl!

ANNIE

Shh!

[CASEY]

Who are you trying to reach?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

[GHOSTFACE]

What number is this?

SHIRLEY

It’s the number you dialled,

jackass.

BRITTA

Shirley!

[CASEY]

Well, what number are you trying to

reach?

[GHOSTFACE]

I don’t know.

[CASEY]

Well, I think you have the wrong

number.

[GHOSTFACE]

Do I?

[CASEY]

It happens. Take it easy.

SHIRLEY

I’d take you easy.

ANNIE

Shirley, oh my God! Can we just

watch the movie?

SHIRLEY

What is that supposed to mean?

Britta leans across and pauses the movie.

BRITTA

No offence, but sometimes some

stereotypes hold true, you know?

SHIRLEY

Oh, you better not be calling me a

stereotype, blondie!

BRITTA

Blondie? Um, last time I checked, I

was almost getting a C in Psych

101.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

ANNIE

She didn’t mean it, Shirley...can

we just watch the movie.

Shirley gets up and ejects the movie.

SHIRLEY

You come into my home, put on this

god awful movie, and then you

insult me? Maybe if you were

Denzel, but Britta? No way!

BRITTA

You’re kicking us out?

Shirley walks to the door and opens it, indicating for the

girls to leave.

SHIRLEY

In a way, you are kicking yourself

out.

ANNIE

But...

SHIRLEY

No buts! If I wanted to spend my

night trying to keep my eyes closed

while wedged between two other

people I’d be...Britta!

Britta gasps and grabs her bag, exiting quickly. Annie

stands up and follows her.

ANNIE

That was harsh.

SHIRLEY

(firmly)

Goodnight, Annie.

Annie leaves, and Shirley closes the door. Sighing, she

makes her way to the kitchen; where she has a pie in the

oven.

SHIRLEY

At least you’re nice.

Shirley’s phone rings from the living room, and she exits to

answer it. A shadow passes by the kitchen window.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

SHIRLEY

(high pitched)

Hello!

GHOSTFACE

Hello.

SHIRLEY

Yes?

GHOSTFACE

Who is this?

SHIRLEY

Well, who are you trying to reach?

GHOSTFACE

What number is this?

SHIRLEY

What number are you trying to

reach?

GHOSTFACE

I don’t know.

SHIRLEY

I think you have the wrong number.

GHOSTFACE

Do I?

SHIRLEY

It happens.

Shirley hangs up, as she walks away the phone rings again.

SHIRLEY

Hello?

GHOSTFACE

Why don’t you want to talk to me?

SHIRLEY

I haven’t even caught your name

yet.

GHOSTFACE

You tell me your name, I’ll tell

you mine.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

SHIRLEY

I don’t hand my name out, sweetie.

Not over the phone, not on dating

sites.

Shirley opens the oven to take out her pie.

GHOSTFACE

What’s that noise?

SHIRLEY

Just taking out my pie.

GHOSTFACE

Oh, you bake?

SHIRLEY

Oh...every now and then.

GHOSTFACE

I bet you’re real good at it.

SHIRLEY

Oh...I don’t know about that.

GHOSTFACE

I can tell...your raspberry pie

smells delicious.

Shirley puts her pie down on the bench, and steps back.

SHIRLEY

(shocked)

What did you just say?

GHOSTFACE

Your pies must be delicious.

SHIRLEY

That’s not what you said.

GHOSTFACE

Tell me, Shirley...do you like

scary movies?

SHIRLEY

This isn’t funny, Britta.

GHOSTFACE

This isn’t Britta.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

SHIRLEY

Prove it.

GHOSTFACE

Britta went home ten minutes

ago...I’m still here.

Shirley gasps, and walks back into the living room. She

begins to lock the doors and windows.

GHOSTFACE

What’s wrong, Shirley? You look

scared.

SHIRLEY

What are you doing? Leave me

alone...or else!

GHOSTFACE

Or else what?

SHIRLEY

Or else my husband will be back,

and he’s big and he’s black and

he’ll kick your ass!

GHOSTFACE

Andre’s away, Shirley...you can’t

fool me...

SHIRLEY

What do you want from me?

GHOSTFACE

I want to play a game...

SHIRLEY

What kind of game?

GHOSTFACE

Turn on the patio lights.

Shirley gulps and walks towards the side of her house; we

see the kitchen counter is now empty. Shirley flicks a

switch and looks outside; her pie is tied to a chair.

SHIRLEY

Oh...my pie!

Shirley heads to exit the house.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

GHOSTFACE

I wouldn’t do that if I were you!

SHIRLEY

I swear, if you touch that pie...

GHOSTFACE

I won’t! All you have to do is

answer a few simple questions.

SHIRLEY

Questions about what?

GHOSTFACE

Movie trivia.

SHIRLEY

Oh...about my stories?

GHOSTFACE

About horror movies.

SHIRLEY

I can’t...

GHOSTFACE

You have no choice!

SHIRLEY

I trust that the Lord will watch

over my pie...how is that for

choice?

GHOSTFACE

Choices have consequences, Shirley.

A figure runs past the pie outside, and Shirley spins

around. A large slice has been taken from the pie, and the

figure is nowhere to be seen.

SHIRLEY

No!

GHOSTFACE

Are you more willing now?

SHIRLEY

Fine...ask your damn question.

GHOSTFACE

What was Jeff Winger wearing at the

Halloween party nobody remembers

two years ago?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

SHIRLEY

Jeff Winger?

GHOSTFACE

Answer the question...

SHIRLEY

Um...uh...he went as David Beckham!

GHOSTFACE

Very good, Shirley...no more warm

ups! Time for the real question.

SHIRLEY

No! You said...

GHOSTFACE

And the real question is...what did

Jeff Winger wear to Annie Edison’s

Mexican Halloween party in the

first year of College?

SHIRLEY

Again with Jeff?

GHOSTFACE

Tick tock.

SHIRLEY

Give me a second!

GHOSTFACE

You can tell that to your precious

pie when it’s all gone...

SHIRLEY

I remember! Jeff came to the party

dressed as a cowboy!

GHOSTFACE

I’m sorry! That’s the wrong answer!

SHIRLEY

No it’s not! No it’s not! He was a

cowboy!

GHOSTFACE

I’m afraid not! No way.

SHIRLEY

Listen, he was a cowboy...I looked

over his photos over twenty damn

times!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

GHOSTFACE

(menacing)

Then you should know Jeff Winger

entered the party without a

costume! He only put on the cowboy

outfit when he went to the faculty

party...I’m afraid that was a wrong

answer.

SHIRLEY

(beginning to get upset)

You tricked me...

GHOSTFACE

Lucky for you there’s a bonus

round...but your poor pie; I’m

afraid it’s out.

The figure runs across the patio again, and Shirley screams.

The pie has been totally hollowed out, with filling dripping

down the sides of the chair. Shirley drops to the floor in

shock.

GHOSTFACE

Hey...we’re not finished

yet...final question...are you

ready?

SHIRLEY

Please...please leave me alone...

GHOSTFACE

Answer the question and I will.

What door am I at?

SHIRLEY

What?

GHOSTFACE

There are two main doors to your

house...the front door and the

patio doors. Which one am I at?

SHIRLEY

Well...nobody is at the patio

door...so you must be...

The doorbell rings; Shirley yells and unlocks the patio door

and backs away into her backyard.

GHOSTFACE

...you should tell your friends to

lock the door...this is a terrible

neighbourhood.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

The sound of the front door opening can be heard. We see

Ghostface run into the house and duck around a corner out of

sight. The dial tone is heard on the phone, still in

Shirley’s hand.

SHIRLEY

Oh, Lord...please have mercy on

me...

Shirley, back to the house, begins to make her way silently

towards the side gate. Suddenly, the curtains fly open and

Ghostface is staring at her. She falls back, shocked, as

Ghostface makes his way towards the patio door. Shirley

begins to look for somewhere to hide.

CUT TO - EXT. SHIRLEY’S HOUSE - FRONT

A car pulls up opposite the house, and Britta and Annie get

out, and begin to make their way to the front.

CUT TO - EXT. SHIRLEY’S HOUSE - BACKYARD

Ghostface exits the house, and scans the backyard for

Shirley. She is nowhere to be seen. Grabbing the pie remains

and throwing them away in frustration, Ghostface is

distracted by the sound of Britta and Annie entering the

house. He runs to the side gate and flees the scene.

CUT TO - INT. SHIRLEY’S HOUSE

BRITTA

Leaving your door open in this day

and age? God knows who could have

walked in...rapist, murderer...God

forbid, the Dean!

ANNIE

Maybe she has an open door

policy...sounds like something

Shirley would do.

BRITTA

Hey...do you smell that?

ANNIE

It wasn’t even me!

BRITTA

Oh my God!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

Britta points at the open patio door, with the pie encrusted

chair sitting on the patio. The two run out of the door;

Britta looks up at the tree in the garden and screams.

Shirley has climbed the tree and is hanging on for dear

life.

BRITTA

Shirley, what the hell!

SHIRLEY

Catch me, Jesus!

Shirley screams as she falls, and lands face down on the pie

remains. The raspberries ooze out in a blood like fashion,

and she lays there in silence.

END SCENE.

14.

SCENE TWO: THE MORNING AFTER

EXT. GREENDALE LIBRARY - MORNING

JEFF WINGER (Joel McHale) is making his way towards the door

of the Library when an attractive young brunette COURTNEY

JACOBS (Emma Roberts) walks up to him holding a notepad.

COURTNEY

Oh, excuse me! Are you Jeff Winger?

JEFF

That depends on who’s asking...and

how old they are.

COURTNEY

I’m Courtney Jacobs, I work for the

local paper. Would you mind if I

ask a few questions about what

happened to your friend Shirley?

JEFF

Ah, this is awkward. I make a habit

out of avoiding local press.

COURTNEY

You don’t need to be shy, Jeff.

JEFF

Trust me kitten, I’m not. I just

would hate to see my name and

glorious face ever associated with

this place on paper forever.

COURTNEY

Don’t you think you owe the readers

the truth about what happened last

night?

JEFF

The truth? Here’s your headline -

Housewife falls out of tree;

innocent pie-stander killed.

Jeff begins to walk away.

COURTNEY

I just think there’s more to this

story!

JEFF

You want an exciting story? You’re

at the wrong place, trust me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

Jeff enters the library, and Courtney walks away annoyed.

CUT TO - INT. STUDY ROOM

Jeff enters the study room and sits down. The group is

sitting in their regular places, with the notable absence of

Abed. PIERCE HAWTHORNE (Chevy Chase) and TROY BARNES (Donald

Glover) seem deep in discussion; while Britta and Annie sit

silently in thought. Everyone goes quiet as Jeff sits down.

JEFF

Geez...who died?

ANNIE

Jeff! Don’t say the ’d’ word.

JEFF

What the hell are you talking

about? She fell out of a

tree...it’s not like she was

murdered.

There is a collective gasp, and Jeff rolls his eyes.

ANNIE

You didn’t see her at the hospital,

Jeff.

BRITTA

She looked like death.

TROY

I know...it was like looking at

Pierce.

PIERCE

Hey!

JEFF

You’re all overreacting.

TROY

Oh, really? Shirley gets put up in

a tree by a guy in a white mask?

PIERCE

Huh. Sounds like fun.

TROY

Say what?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

JEFF

A white mask?

ANNIE

That’s what Shirley told us in the

hospital.

JEFF

Oh my God...do you know what it

means?

TROY

They’re back...

JEFF

It means it’s Halloween tomorrow,

and someone decided to play a trick

on Shirley. And, considering the

trick was ’Britta’d’, we all know

who did it.

Everybody looks at Britta.

BRITTA

I didn’t do it! I was with Annie

all night.

PIERCE

All night? Hmm.

BRITTA

Where were you last night, huh?

JEFF

Whoa! Why do we have to assume that

it was somebody in here?

From outside the study room, LEONARD (Richard Erdman) walks

past, smirking.

LEONARD

Because everything always revolves

around Jeff Winger!

JEFF

Shut-up, Leonard! I heard what

candy you are handing out this

year. Prostate medicine is not a

candy.

LEONARD

Busted.

Leonard walks away.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

JEFF

Speaking of medicine, where’s Abed?

ANNIE

Oh...we thought he might have been

with you.

TROY

(upset)

Oh my God...he got Abed too?

JEFF

Stop being so melodramatic, Troy.

I’m sure he’s...

Suddenly, Jeff’s phone rings. The group jumps back, Jeff

looks confused.

JEFF

I know I need a new ring tone, but

really?

ANNIE

Shirley said she got a phone call

before she was attacked.

JEFF

Shirley also says that God exists

and that all dogs go to heaven.

I’ll take my chances.

Jeff answers his phone. It is Abed.

ABED

Jeff? Don’t talk, listen. Meet me

at the fountain in ten minutes;

bring everyone.

JEFF

The fountain? Do we even have a

fountain?

ABED

Don’t be late. Good luck, Jeff.

Abed hangs up the phone. The group look at Jeff expectantly.

TROY

Well?

JEFF

Abed wants us to meet him at the

fountain in ten minutes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

TROY

Did he sound OK?

JEFF

Maybe a little anxious?

Troy jumps up and runs out of the library.

TROY

Abed, I’m coming!

Jeff rolls his eyes.

JEFF

Shall we?

END SCENE.

19.

SCENE THREE: FOUNTAIN

EXT. GREENDALE COMMUNITY COLLEGE - FOUNTAIN

The group sits on the fountain outside Greendale. The PA

system cranks up with the voice of DEAN CRAIG PELTON (Jim

Rash) fires up.

(DEAN)

Remember, your Dean loves you. And

I want you to be safe...safe and

sound at this years Halloween

extravaganza! We’re only a day away

from the biggest campus party of

the year! And this years promises

to be the biggest one yet...so get

your costumes ready! You know I am!

ABED NADIR (Danny Pudi) walks up to the group, smiling.

ABED

Good. You’re here.

Abed sits down on the right hand side, remaining silent.

JEFF

Yes...we’re ’here’...which, by the

way, has appeared out of nowhere.

ABED

I heard what happened to Shirley.

BRITTA

Horrible, isn’t it.

ABED

Has Chang seen you yet?

ANNIE

Why would Chang want to see us? He

doesn’t want to be in the group

still, does he?

ABED

He just wanted to know if Jeff knew

how to hunt.

BRITTA

Hunt? Why would they ask you if you

liked to hunt?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

ABED

(leaning forward)

Because Shirley’s pie was gutted.

JEFF

Thank you, Abed.

BRITTA

I talked to the police last

night...they didn’t ask me if I

liked to hunt.

TROY

That’s because there’s no way a

girl could have done it.

BRITTA

Troy, that is so sexist. The

stalker could easily have been

female.

TROY

I dunno...fact is, Shirley’s pie

was completely hollowed out...takes

a hungry man to do something like

that.

BRITTA

Or a man’s brutality.

JEFF

Do you people ever listen to

yourselves? We’re talking about a

pie, not Shirley’s kids!

ANNIE

How do you...gut a pie?

Everybody goes quiet and look towards Annie.

TROY

You take a knife...slit it from

edge to edge...

JEFF

Pies are circular...they have one

edge, genius.

ANNIE

Hey Troy...didn’t you say you were

craving some pie yesterday?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

TROY

Yeah, for like two seconds.

ABED

...before she dumped you for Steve?

JEFF

Abed...who is Steve? Explain

yourself. What is this?

ABED

Are the police aware you wanted her

pie?

TROY

Abed...what are you saying? That I

made her fall and hurt herself?

ABED

It would certainly improve your

high school Q.

BRITTA

Troy and I had some after class

yesterday.

TROY

(winking)

Yeah, we did.

ABED

Was that before or after he sliced

and diced?

ANNIE

Stop it, Abed...you’re giving me

the creeps.

TROY

Where were you last night, anyway?

I didn’t hear you come in...

ABED

Working, thank you.

JEFF

You work now too? Where!? Don’t

tell me you went back to your

father’s falafel stand...

ABED

The video store...now ask if they

fired me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

JEFF

(rolling eyes)

Did they fire you, Abed?

ABED

Twice. Cue Troy claiming he didn’t

kill anybody in three...two...

TROY

Huh?! I didn’t!

ABED

Bingo.

JEFF

(sternly)

Nobody said you did, Troy.

TROY

Thanks, buddy!

ABED

(imitating Troy)

Besides...takes a hungry man to do

something like that.

TROY

Abed, you keep acting weird I’m

gonna gut you in a second.

ABED

(in a voice)

Did you really put her liver in the

mailbox because I heard they put

her liver in the mailbox, next to

her spleen and her...

BRITTA

Abed, I’m trying to eat here.

TROY

She’s getting mad, man...you’d

better liver alone.

Annie walks off, upset.

ABED

Liver alone...cool. Cool, cool,

cool.

TROY

I don’t get it...

CUT TO - INT. LIBRARY

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

Annie walks along by herself, when Abed catches up to her.

ABED

Annie, wait!

ANNIE

What is it, Abed?

ABED

It’s about Shirley...I think I know

what’s going on.

ANNIE

What is it?

ABED

Not here.

Abed pulls Annie into the study room; he seems different,

more fidgety than normal.

ANNIE

Abed, what’s going on...you’re not

Han Solo again, are you?

ABED

Different context...I’m Randy.

Annie, in spite of herself, glances down at his crotch.

ANNIE

Well...that’s not any of my

concern...and I’m not that kind of

girl, anyway.

Annie heads to leave.

ABED

Sidney, wait!

Annie turns around, confused.

ANNIE

What did you just call me?

ABED

Shirley was attacked by

Ghostface...the killer from the

Scream franchise last night.

ANNIE

(gasping)

That’s the movie Britta wanted us

to watch!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

ABED

Girls watching horror movies near

Halloween...you were an attack

waiting to happen.

ANNIE

You do realise this isn’t a movie,

Abed? Shirley just...had an

accident. This isn’t Scream!

ABED

I’m not so sure...we have you, the

likable but unsure of herself

protagonist - Sidney Prescott. We

have me, the lovable movie geek -

Randy Meeks. We have the sassy

blonde Britta - Tatum Riley. The

dopey and jockish maybe boyfriend,

Troy - Stu Macher. And last but not

least, the creepy and stylish

boyfriend of Sidney Prescott, Billy

Loomis - Jeff Winger.

ANNIE

(blushing)

Abed, Jeff is not my boyfriend!

ABED

It’s just a label...but to the

audience, you might as well be.

ANNIE

Well, if this was a movie, would

you recommend the protagonist

walking around by herself to be a

clever move?

ABED

No; sounds like a death wish.

ANNIE

I...don’t...care.

Annie walks away from Abed, who shakes his head.

ABED

So it begins.

END SCENE.