Santaland Diaries

8/11/2019 Santaland Diaries

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Santaland Diaries is David Sedaris hilarious account of his stint as a Christmas elf in Macys San

delightfully absurd

look

at

the

commercial

underbelly

of

the

holiday

season.

Sedaris

sharp

obseencounters as an Elf during the season of forced joy have become a delightful cult classic for tho

comic antidote to Christmas tradition.

Cast of Characters (2 Male, 1 Female)

Elf: (male) disgruntled worker in Macys Santaland Ensemble 1 (male) Plays a variety of parts, must be versatile Ensemble 2 (female) Again, plays a variety of parts, must be versatile


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a bitch." This aftcrnoon on Lexington Avcnuc, I accclrtecl uleaflet from a man dressed as a camcorder. Hot dogs, peanuts,tacos, video cameras, these things make me sad because theydon't have a place. They don't fit in on the streets. n a parade,maybe, but not on the streets. I figure that at least as an elf Iwill have a place; I'll be in Santa's Village with all the otherelves. We will resicle in a fluffy wonderland surrounded bycandy canes and ging crbread shacks. t

won't be quite as sad asstanding on sorne str'cct '()l'nol lrcsscd as a French fi'y.I am trying to look ()tr l)e briglrt sir lc. lr l l iverl in Ne w

York three weeks af{()with lrigh lropt.s, ropt.s tlr;rt rave beenchallenged. n my irnagirr:r t ion, '


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cars and the women without chins. I r.vaited lclng tirne. Jrrstr,vhen 'd given up hope the manager cocked her finger an dled me into her office where I was old, "(lonsratulations, Sir.You are an elf'."

I have spe nt the last several days sitting in a crclwded, win-dowless, Macy's classroom underg


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SIZE OF AN OLIVE. MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY TOMOR-ROW BUT I DON'T THINK SO."

This afternoon we were given a tour of Santaland, whichreally is something. It's beautiful, a real wonderland with tenthousand sparkling lights, false snow train sets, bridges, deco-rated trees, mechanical penguins and bears, and really tallcandy canes. We entered and traveled through an elaboratemaze, a path which takes you from one festive environment toanother. The charm faded when we were given code names forsome of the various stations. The narrow hallway beside the en-trance is referred to as the "Oh My God" Corner. People ar-riving see the long line and say, "Oh my God," and it is an elf'sjob to calm them down and explain that it will take no longerthan an hour to see Santa. Further along th e path we came towhat is known as 'The Vomit (krrner," a mirr


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Today was he oflicial opening day of Santaland. On anygiven day you can be an Entrance Elf, a Warer Cooler Elf-, aBridge Elf, Train Elt, Maze Elf-, slznd Elt, Magic Window Elf,Emergency Exit Elt-, Counter Elt, Magic Tree Elf, pointer Elf,Santa Elf, Photo Elf, Usher Elf, Cash Register Elf, Runner Elf,or Exit Elf. I worked as a Magic Window Elf-. was ar rhe MagicWindow for fifteen minutes befirre a rnan approached me andsaid, 'You look so fircking sru[)id." I have to admit that he hada point. But still, I wanted to say hat irt lt:asr get Jlaid o lookstupid, that he gives t away irr ti'ee. Uur I can'r say hings likethat because 'm supposed o be rnel.l.y.

So instead said, "Thank Vrtr ""Thank yotrl" as if I had misunclerstood and thought he

had said, "You ook terlific.""Thank youl"He was a brawny wise guy wt'lrrirrr.lr vinyl jacket and car-

rying a bag from Radio Shack. I shorrl


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in the room ent rtains the same thought: "What's that assholedoing in our Christmas Memory tape?"

Young children, ages wo to four, tend to be frightened ofSanta. They have no interest in having their pictures taken be-cause they don't know what a picture is. They're not vain,they're babies. They are babies and they act accordingly - theycry. A Photo Elf underst ands that, ()nce a child starts crying, it's

over.The parents had planned to send thc photos to relatives

and place them in scrapbooks. l'hey waited in line lbr over anhour and are not about to givc tr p s


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not a real elf, I'm an artist." Today she showed me some slidesof her work. During her ofT hours Flakey stays busy gluinghuman hair to radios and telephone receivcrs. Everything shetouches winds up looking like a Persian cat.

"Oh," I said, What a cute idea." This was he wrong thingto say. She strenuously objected t o the word, "cute," and thentried to sell me a blonde clock radio, telling me she'd be will-ing to let it go fbr $300. I said, "Aside fl-om the fact that I don'thave $300, who really wants t() piu't thc banes of their alarmclock in order to read thc tirne?"

So far, my least avoritc elt is a guy tr'orn Florida whom Icall "The Walrus." The Walrtrs has a hancllel)al nustache, nochin, and a neck the size of rny waist. rr thc drcssing oom heconf'esses o being "a bit of a ladics' rrrirn."

The Walrus acls as though Santalan


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china, and the next thing he knows he is standing at the MagicTree, where an elf holding a palm-sized counter asks, "How

mimy in your party?"The foreigner answers, Yes.""How many in your party is not a yes or no questio n.""Yes."Then a Santa Elf leads the way to a house where the con-

fused aurd exhausted visitor addresses a bearded man in a redsuit and says, Yes, OK Today I am good."

There was his one guy who came t() visit Santa, a sloppy,good-looking man in his mid-fbrties. I thought hc was anotherconfused European, so I reass ured hinr t hat nrany adulls cometo visit Santa, everyone is welcome. An hotrr later, I noticed thesarne man, back again to fellowship with Sant:1. asked what heand Sant a talk about, and in a crackcd and puny voice he an-swered, *Toys. All the toys."

I notic ed a dent in the left side of his forehead. You couldplace an acorn in a dent like this. He waited in line and re-turned to visit a third time. On his final visit he {ot so excitedhe peed on Santa's ap.

There were two NewJersey families who came together tosee Santa. Two loud, ugly husbands with two wives and fourchildren between them. The children gathered around Santaand had their pict ure taken. When Santa asked the ten-year-oldboy what he wanted for Christmas, the father shouted, "A

WOMAN GET HIM A WOMAN. SANTA " These men werevery loud and irritating, constantly laughing and jostling oneanother. The nvo women sat on Santa's ap and had their pic-ture taken and each asked for a KitchenAid brand dishwasherand a decent winter coat. The husbands sat on Sant a's ap and,when asked what he wanted fbr Christmas. one of the menyelled, 'I WANT A BROAD WITH BIG TITS " The man's small-

breastcd wif'e crrlssed her arms over hcr chest, ooked at thefkrrlr, and grittcd her teeth. The man's son tr-ied o laugh.

So ar in Santaland, I have seen the old Simone frm lcn-

urr,l HosNital, Shawn lrom All lvIl Children, Walter Cronkite, andPhil Collins. I;rst year one of the elves was suspended after ask-ine Goldie Hawn to autograph her hand. We have been in-structed to leave stars alone.

Phil Collins was small and well groomed. He arrived withhis daughter and an entourage of three. I don't care about PhilCollins one way or the other but I saw some people who mightand I felt it was my duty to tap them on the shoulder and say,"Look, there's Phil Collins "

Mzuryof Santa's visitors are from out of town and welcomethe opportuniry to view a celebrity, as it rounds out their NewYork experience. I'd point out Phil Collins and people wouldliterally squeal with delight. Seeing as t is myjob to make people happy, I don't have any problem with it. Phil Collins wan-dered through the Maze, videotaping everything with his cam-corder and enjoying himself. Once he entered the Magic Tree,he was no longer visible to the Maze audience, so I begantelling people that if they left immediately and took a right atthe end of the hall, they could probably catch up with PhitCollins after his visit with Santa. So they did. People left. WhenPhil Collins walked out of Santaland, there was a crowd of fiftyto sixty people waiting for autographs. When the managerscame looking for the big mouth, I said, "Phil Collins, who'she?"

But what's really exciting is I was talking with Sleighbell,an entertainer who is in the process of making a music videowith her all-girl singing group.We talked about one thing andanother, and she told me that she has appeared on a few tele-

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vision shows, mainly soap operas. askecl f she has ever doneOne Lifc To Liue, and she said, yes, she hacl a bit part as a fla-menco dancer a t-ew ears ago when (lord and Tina malriedand traveled o Madrid fbr their honc_vmoon.

Suddenly rememberect Sleighbell pcr'f-ectl1: rcmenrberCord and Tina's hrlneymoon like it lvas vesterday. On thatepisode she wt.rre a red lace dless and stomped upon a shinynightclub floor until Spain's sreatest bullfightel entered, chal-lenging Cord to a duel. Slei{rhbell ntelvcnetl. She stoppeddancing and said to (lord, "Don't clr it, Serror'. otrt bc a tbolto fight weeth Spain's greatest boolfighter' "

At)*uy, we were talkintt when (lar'lton, arrother manager,got involved and said that he'd been on Orn Lift 'lb Liae seventimes. He played Clint's lawyer five ycirls truo lvhen the entireBuchanan family was on trial for thc rnrurlcr of Mitch Lau-rence. Carlton knows Victoria Buchan;rrr pclsonally and saidthat she's ust as sweet and caring in reill lilb as she s on theshow.

"She's basically playing herself, exccpt firr the multiplepersonality disorder.

Carlton told me that Clint tends to keep t() himself butthat Bo and Asa are a lot of fun. I can't belicvc I'rn hearingthese things. I know people who have sat around with Tina,Cord, Nicki, Asa, and Clint. I 'm honing in. I'm getting closer,I can feel it.

All the Santas have different routines. Some want the chil-dren's names. So as you are leading the youngsters fiom theMagrc Tree you say, "What was yollr name again? It's right onthe tip of my mind where I can't get at it."

Then they say heir name and yoll say, That's right. Van."You lead them to Santa's door and say, Let me ust check

to sec f he's rcaclv." And you poke yoLrrhead in and whisper',"V:rn "

['hen half the time yor-r'll sher the chilcl nto the hotrsc:rnclSanta ,vill ay, Stan It's so good t() see y()u "

It's hard to keep the names straiS;ht and sonrc


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himself a bit too seriously. asked him where he liv es, Brook-lyn or Manhattan, and he said, "Why, I live at the North Polewith Mrs. Claus " I asked what he does the rest of the year andhe said, "I make toys fbr all of the children."

I was ike, "Yeah, but what do you do for money?""Santa doesn't need money," he said.Santa Santa sits and waves and jingles his bell sash when

no one is there. He actually recited "The Night Before Christ-mas,' and it was ust the two of us in the hcluse, no children.

Just us. What do you do with a nut like that?He says, Oh, Little Elt, Little Elf, bring Santa a throat

lozenge." I reminded him that I havc a nAnte, Orumpet, andthen I brought him a lozenge.

Santa Santa has an elaborate little act filr the children.He'll talk to them and give a hearty chuckle and ring his bellsand then he asks hem to name their favoritc (lhristmas carol.Most of them say, "Rudolph, the Red-Nosecl Reindeer." SantaSanta then asks f they will sing it for him. The children are shyand don't want to sing out loud, so Santa Santa says, Oh, Lit-tle Elf, Little Elfl Help young Brenda to sing that favorite carolof hers." Then I have to stand there and sing "Rudolph, theRed-Nosed Reindeer," which I hate. Then late in the after-noon, a child said she didn't know what her favorite Christmascarol was. Santa Santa suggested, "Away in the Manger." The lit-

tle girl agreed to it but didn't want to sing it because she didn'tknow the words.

Santa Santa said, "Oh, Little Elf, Little Elf, come sing'Away in the Manger' for us."

It didn't seem fair that I should have to solo. so I told himI didn't know the words.

Santa Santa said, "Of course you know the words. Comenow, sing "

So I sang it the way Billie Holiday might have sung it if

she'd put out a Christmas album. "Away n the manger, no crib

for a bed, the little Lord,Jesus, lay down his sweet head."

Santa Santa did not allow me to finish.

Out of all the Santas, two are black and both are so light

skinned that, with the beard and makeup, you would be hard-

pressed o determine their race.

Last week, a black woman became upset when, having re-quested a "Santa of color," she was sent toJerome'

"He's not black," the woman complained.We assured his woman that Jerome was ndeed black.

The woman said, "Well, he isn't black enough."

Jerome is a difficult Santa, moody and unpredictable. He

spends a lot of time staring off into space and tallying up his

paycheck for the hours he has worked so far. Jerome seems to

have his own bizarre agenda. When the children arrive, he

looks down at his boots and lectures them, suggesting a career

in entomology.He tells them that the defensive spray of the stink bug

may contain medicinal powers that can one day cure mankind

of communicable diseases."Do you know about holistic medicine?" he asks.

The Photo Elf takes a picture of yawning children.

The last time I was the Pointer Elf, a woman approachecl

me and whispered, "We would like a traditionalSanta. I'm sure

you know what I'm talking about." I sent her toJerome.A man pulled Snowball aside, saying, "Last year we were

stuck with a chocolate Santa. Make sure it doesn't happenagain."

Today, I was Pointer Elf lbr all of five minutes before a

woman touched my arm and mouthed, "\A/hite - white like us."

ItI

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I've had requesls fiom both sides. White Santa, blackSanta, a Pointer Elf is instlucted to shrug his shoulders andfeign ignorance, saying, There's only one Santa."

Today I worked as an Exit Elf, telling people in a loudvoice, "THIS WAY OUT OF SANTAI-{ND." A woman wasstanding at one of the cash registers paying lbr her pictures,while her son lay beneath her, kicking and heaving, having a

tantrum. The woman said, "Riley, if you don't start behavingyotrrself, Santa's not going to bling yoLt on\ of those toys youasked fbr."

The child said, "He is too going to bring n)c rhc toys, iar,he already old me."

The woman grabbed my arm and said, "Vru rhere, Elf, tellRiley here that if he doesn't start behavins inrmcdiately, thenSanta's going to change his mind ancl brins him coal forChristmas."

I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if

you're bad he comes to your house and steals things. I toldRiley that if he didn't behave himself-, Santa was going to takeaway his TV and all his electrical appliances and leave him inthe dark. "All your appliances, ncluding the refiigerator. Yourfood is going to spoil and smell bad. It's going to be so coldand dark where you are. Man, Riley, are you ever going to suf-fer. You're going to wish you never heard the name Santa."

The woman got a worried look on her face and said, "Allright, that's enough."

I said, "He's going to take your car and your 1-urniture and

all the towels and blankets and Ieave you with nothing."The woman said, "No, that's enough, reiilly."

Have you ever realized that Sonto, s an anagram of Satan.I imagined a Satanland where visitors would wade through

steaming pools of human blood and f'eces befbre arrivins atthe Gates of Hell, where a hideous mp in a singed velvet cos-ttrrne would t ake them by the hand and lead them towardSatan. Once I thought of it I couldn't get it out of my mind.Overhearing the customers I would sub stitute the word Sata,nfbr the word Sa,nta.

'What do you think, Michael? Do you think Macy's has thereal Satan?"

"Don't forget to thank Satan or the Baby Nive he got youlast year."

"I love Satan.""Who doesn't? Everybody loves Satan."Father Christmas or the Devil - so close but vet so far.

VOICE OVER. "Attention Macy's shoppers." (inglz, jinglz.)"Remember that you've got only twelve shopping days eft be-fore Christmas."

As Christmas approaches we grow progressively busier.There is no longer any down time and I think they need to out-Iit all the elves with cans of mace. It's all Santa. Santa. Santa.Not even the children have respect for elves unless it's thedwarf and then, "Ohl," they go wild. Everybody wants their pic-ture taken with that goddamned dwarf. Physically, he ooks thepart, sure, but if you ask me, she's ust cohsdng on her looks.

I got a new haircut today and a few people complimentedme but it didn't register. spend all day lying to people, saying,"You look so pretty," and, "Santa can't wait to visit with you.

You're all he talks about. It's just not Christmas without you.You're Santa's favorite person in t he entire tr i-state area."Sometimes I lay it on real thick "Aren't you the princess ofRongovia? Santa said a beautiful Princess was coming here tovisit him. He said she would be wearing a red dress and that

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she was very pretty, but not stllck Llp or two-faced. That's you,isn't it?" I lay it on and the parents mouth the words "Thankyou" and "Good.lob."

To one child I said, "You're a model, aren't you?" The girlwas maybe six years old and said, "Yes, model, but I also act.I just got a second call-back for a Fisher Price commercial."The girl's mother said, "You may recognize Katelyn from the'My First Sony' campaign. She's on t he box." I said yes, of

course.All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compli-

menLs. think I'm starting to lose it.

VOICE OVER. "Attention holiday shoppers. Remember thatthere are only nine m ore days befbre Christmas. "

I changed my elf name from Crumpet to Blisters. It's alitde on the trollish side but cir cumstances have eroded myelfin spirit. I was with Santa Carl when a mothcr came in with

her child saying, "All right, Jason. Tell Santa what you want.Tell him what you want."

Jason said, "I want ... Procton and ... Gamble to ... stopanimal testing." The mother rapped her son over the head say-ing, "Proctor. That's Proctor and Gamble. And what do they doto animals? Do they torture animals, Jason? Is that what theydo?"

Jason said, "Yes, hey torture." He was maybe six years old.Then later, I was working as a Counter Elf at the Magic

Tree when I saw a woman unzip her son's fly and instruct him

to pee into a bank of artificial snow. He was a young child, fburor five years old, and he did it, he peed. Santaland might /ooftlike the outdoors but on careful inspection yon can't help butnotice four walls and a ceiling.

VOICE O\|ER. "Attention everyonc, fi'om yotrl fi-icnds at

Macy's. Remember that y


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'Ihis was m1' ast day of rvork. \4/e d been told that (llu'ist-

mas eve vould be slow btrt th is wirs he brrsiest 'd ever seen it,

the chaos a week's worth of training had prepared us firr -twent,v-three housand desperate people behaving as thoughthev were trying to board t he last train out ()f torvn. I started atthe N{agic Tree whcre I witne ssed a fist fieht between two nroth-ers. watched as a womart experienced a severe, rowd-relatedanxiety attack. Falling to the filthy floor she groped fbr breath,

her arms mclving as f she was Fightinu of1 bats. Parents n longlines tossed isposable iapers nto the Candy Cane Forest ancloflered cash bribes to cut in line. A Long Island father calleclSanta a faggot when he refirsed to recite "The Night Befbre

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lucky enough to harve olrng Iiathleen as m,v dattghter I'd kiss

her fblehead ten times a da,v nd thank her firr bringing suchjoy into my lif-e.Let me see you do that. It would mean a lot to

me." The father kissed his daughter's brehead.Santa ended the visit saying, Remember that the most im-

portant thing is to try and love other people as much as theylove you."

The great thing about this Santa is that he never even

asked what the children wanted. He tailored his reception to

each specific group. Thc main thing was that he made them

f'eel welcome and relaxed enough to drop their guard and sul>rnit to his idea of Clhrisrmas. Me, I can go any

Documents

Santaland Diaries