Ideal Attachment and Bonding

Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 1

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 1

At the very beginning of the parent child relationship we see a two blocks inside the model as shown in Figure 1. The block on the right represents the infant and the block on the left represents the parent or primary caregiver. As yet there is no tower present indicating that the parent child relationship has not yet begun.

Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 2

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 2

In Figure 2 we can see that the parent or primary caregiver has initiated an emotional connection (a relationship) with the infant. We note that it is the responsibility of the primary caregiver to initiate the connection. It is not the infants’ responsibility to begin the initial relationship.

The balance of the relationship is represented in the Towers Model by the location of the tower within the model. We can see that in this situation the primary caregiver has moved their block over to the infants’ side of the model signifying that all the effort and compromise in the relationship has been made by the primary caregiver. The baby, understandably, has made no effort or compromise in the relationship and so all the dynamics of the relationship and entirely on the infants’ terms.

Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 3

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 3

In Figure 3 we can see that the intensity of the relationship between the infant and the primary caregiver increases quite quickly. This increased intensity can be demonstrated in the Towers Model through an increase in the number of blocks that each person has in the tower. We note from the diagram that the relationship is growing in intensity and is still very much on the infants’ terms.

Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 4

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 4

As we all know there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and any caregiver, however attentive, cannot possibly prevent every discomfort that the infant may endure. Add to this the day to day realities of parenthood and we can see that the infant will frequently find that no caregiver can be relied upon to be 100% attentive at all times.

In fact, the normal healthy process of progression and development of the parent/child relationship is punctuated with many incidences of what has been termed ‘rupture and repair’. In each incidence of a ‘rupture’ either the caregiver or the infant can collapse the tower, by pulling on one of their strings, and the aftermath can be seen in Figure 4.

Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 5

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 5

Thankfully with ‘good enough’ parenting the caregiver can demonstrate to the infant that any ‘rupture’ can and will lead to a ‘repair’ without any significant delay. With frequent demonstrations of this process of rupture followed quickly by repair, the infant can begin to anticipate that a rupture does not mean abandonment, therefore it is not to be feared and that a repair will soon begin.

As time passes and the infant develops they can begin to expect that the normal condition for the tower is ‘up’ i.e. that the normal condition for their relationship with their primary caregiver is one of loving attentive relating.

We know through studies of infants (the ‘still face’ experiment for example) that if they feel the need, they will often seek contact with their primary caregiver without waiting for the primary caregiver to initiate that contact. This seeking to initiate contact without waiting for the caregiver to begin is taken as evidence that the infant can be proactive in their relationships once they believe that the other person will respond positively to them.Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 6

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 6

One of the primary tasks of parenting is helping the child to become more responsible and self directed. The ideal result is that the child becomes a well adjusted, self directed adult, respectful to others that they are in relationship with. They are able to make their own decisions and willing to accept the consequences of those decisions.

We recall that when the infant is born the first relationship with the primary caregiver is located entirely on the infants’ side of the model and that the caregiver is entirely flexible and accommodating in that relationship. Meanwhile, the infant is entirely ridged and inflexible in the relationship. As the child grows and develops it is the caregivers’ task to gradually move their relationship tower with the child from the very edge of the model towards the centre. A relationship tower located in the centre of the model can be used to signify a healthy, balanced adult relationship where each partner is treated with respect and dignity.

Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 7

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 7

Once the infant has grown to be a toddler it becomes necessary for the caregiver to begin to demonstrate limit-setting and boundaries. This discipline will undoubtedly be resisted by the toddler and this will frequently lead to more rupture within the relationship. This rupture, as seen previously in Figure 6, might be caused by the caregiver moving their blocks very slightly towards the centre of the model leading to a collapse of the tower. Unlike in previous examples however, the caregiver does not seek to rebuild the tower entirely on the toddlers’ side of the model. Instead the caregiver might shorten their string very slightly, and in so doing leave the toddler with no choice but to lengthen their strings just a little in order to repair the tower.The newly repaired tower in Figure 7 now stands slightly more towards to centre of the model than previously and the child will gradually learn to lengthen their string as a result.

And so we can see that as the child grows and develops the caregiver ensures that the child slowly obtains the necessary flexibility and understanding that will become the hallmark of a healthy adult relationship.

Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 8

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 8

As the years pass there will be many more instances of rupture and repair and, in particular throughout the adolescent years, the relationship will be tested and strained. It is important that the caregiver maintain a firm stance with regard to shortening their string in the relationship in spite of the many protests that are sure to follow.

Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 9

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 9

By late adolescence the relationship tower between the caregiver and child has moved into the centre of the model. As can be seen in Figure 9 the tower is in the centre of the model, indicating that the partners are equally engaged in the relationship and there is also no apparent tension on the strings indicating that both parties are comfortable in the arrangement.

We note also that the adolescent has also developed a tower on their own side of the model comprised entirely of their own blocks. This tower indicates that the adolescent has developed a healthy ‘relationship with the self’.

It is clear from the diagram that no other person has any blocks in the adolescents’ relationship with their self, and so this tower is remarkably stable. This type of tower can be taken to indicate a person with a reasonable degree of what Systemic Therapists would call ‘Solid Self’. As such the person has a healthy amount of self-belief, is reasonably self-assured and is not likely to be easily influenced by the opinions of others.Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 10

Ideal Attachment and Bonding, Figure 10

In adulthood the infant with the healthy attachment style is now able to maintain intimate relationships when necessary and can maintain various relationships simultaneously without feeling overwhelmed or envious. We note also that they have maintained their relationship with the self throughout and so they would be reasonably capable of functioning for periods in the absence of other relationships.

Patent PendingBarry Kavanagh 2016 11