Sabotaging Ourselves

7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves

1/15

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC

All Right Reserved1


2/15


ROADBLOCKS

TOHAPPILY EVER

AFTERJOYCE DOLBERG ROWE, M.Ed. LMHC

www.thesoulmatecoach.com

www.marsvenusboston.com

www.joycedolbergrowe,com

800-667-6252

Cover by www.westwindfx.com


All Right Reserved2
http://www.thesoulmatecoach.com/http://www.marsvenusboston.com/http://www.joycedolbergrowe%2Ccom/http://www.joycedolbergrowe%2Ccom/http://www.marsvenusboston.com/http://www.thesoulmatecoach.com/


3/15


TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE: 4 Introduction

PAGE: 5 CHAPTER I: Believe What You See, Cut Your Losses,And Do Not Stay Too Long!

PAGE: 6 CHAPTER II: Fear, Trust Issues, Lack of Resilience

PAGE: 7 CHAPTER III: I Dont Want To Give Up My Freedom. If

I Just Keep Busy

PAGE: 8 CHAPTER IV: Adult Children Of Alcoholics: Struggling In

Relationships

PAGE: 9 CHAPTER V: Friends With Benefits, Family Obligations,

& Work

PAGE: 10 CHAPTER VI: Perfectionism

PAGE: 11 CHAPTER VII: The Queen of First Dates

PAGE: 12 CHAPTER VIII: Journal/Workbook

Note from the Author


All Right Reserved3


4/15


INTRODUCTION

There are many reasons for how we view the world the way we do; how we

see ourselves, what we think we deserve, and what draws us to make thechoices that we make. I hope that by reading this ebook, and completing the

workbook in the last chapter, you will have an increased understanding of

your own self-destructive patterns. These few case studies and discussions

of how we sabotage our successful pursuit are a brief introduction and

overview. They are not an exhaustive account. Perhaps you will be

motivated to write me with your own unique sabotage story.

If you are not in a long-term committed relationship now, but would like to

be soon, I hope to help you to see yourself or identify behaviors. I am goingto share actual stories of women that perhaps you can relate to in some way.

These women have sabotaged their efforts in search of lasting love and

commitment, but have made significant progress in overcoming obstacles.

The names and other identifying features are changed; the stories are true.

In my book,How To Find Your Soulmate, many other secrets to making

your dream come true are revealed. My private and group coaching sessions

offer additional support. Telephone sessions are flexibly scheduled and pro-

rated. Feel free to email me, I will always respond as quickly as possible:

[email protected].


All Right Reserved4


5/15


CHAPTER I

BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE, CUT YOUR LOSSES, AND

DO NOT STAY TOO LONG!

Debbie is now 31 years old. She had four significant relationships each

lasting two to four years. There was a special someone during high

school/college years, another one mid to end of college, one after college,

and then a boyfriend from her mid to late twenties. At last, she is in love

and headed for the altar.

She stayed too longexcessively long, in each of these unsatisfying

relationships. At first, they were exciting, or fun, or convenient, or full of

hope. Initially she was not looking for marriage, but enjoying dating andhaving a good time. As our goals begin to change, we hope that our love

interest will develop along the path to permanence. When it does not, or we

realize that we do not share a vision, difficult decisions must be made. Even

when we know something is right for us, separation anxiety kicks in,

withdrawal symptoms take over, we panic, and go running back where it is

safe and less painfulif only for today. A vicious cycle of staying too long

ensues.

If he makes you cry more than he makes you laugh, do you really think its a

go? NOT! If he is unavailable emotionally, physically, or financially, doyou really think it could work for the long term? Is he even asking? If he

does not want what you want, move along. If his temper scares you more

than once, cut your losses. If his emotional baggage does not work with

yours, believe what you see. Please do not waste this precious gift of time.

Learn your lesson and move on.

When I hear people say that, the first few months were great, but then he

changed, I want to tell them to believe what they see.


All Right Reserved5


6/15


CHAPTER II

FEAR, TRUST ISSUES, LACK OF RESILIENCE

For some people, the pain of heartbreak is so great, that they never

recover. There are those who are simply less able to bounce back

emotionally after loss or trauma. These people may have a

predisposition for depression, anxiety, or panic. Their fear of

opening up to love again is also their fear of emotional pain.

Heartbreak is difficult for everyone, but most of us recover and

move on. We recognize (albeit sometimes after the fact) that it is

the WISH that he was the one, the wish that we had love in ourlife, that we felt more loveable, and our quest was over, that we are

letting go of. We are grieving and mourning the wish, not the

reality. It is a true loss, but he is not the only man out there for

you. The convent is not your next stop!

If this guy does not believe that you are the right one for him, then

surely he is not Mr. Right. It never feels good to be rejected. It is

easier said than done, to pick yourself back up by your bootstraps,but even more reason to do it. You must not let your fears define

your love life.

Ellen, now forty years old, has not had a serious relationship since

college. She opened her heart then, got seriously hurt, and did not

take that risk again for many years. She was not empowered by

family style. She was disempowered by her own frightening

experience. Ellen had always thought she wanted a child of her

own, but she waited too long to get help. Through the process of

self-exploration, she was able to identify the origin of her

sabotaging patterns. Over the years she had also begun to take

medications that helped with her anxiety. No longer afraid to take

the necessary risks to bring love into her life, she is now well on

her way to fulfillment.


All Right Reserved6


7/15


CHAPTER III

I DONT WANT TO GIVE UP MY FREEDOM. IF I JUST KEEP

BUSY

Many women who have had long-term relationships or marriages where

their spouses were controlling of their time, energy, spending, or roles and

expectations, fear that they will lose their freedom in future relationships.

They do not want to replicate the depressing life, walking on eggshells, with

the former partner. While it is a difficult loss and an adjustment when that

relationship is over, it can also be a huge relief.

Her life is now her own, but she is alone to face the responsibilities and joys.

Making a choice to get out there and find another man, can be verythreatening.

Suzanne is sixty years old. She has been divorced for ten years. Her two

sons have made lives for themselves a plane ride away. Eight years ago, she

joined a dating club, and biking, hiking, and other active organizations. She

kept herself so busy, that she actually was able to avoid choosing a partner.

She then stopped all looking. Suz was also afraid. Her first husband

suffered from addictions and mental health issues she had not been aware of

early on. Because of his problems, her marriage had been very confusing.

Suzanne also feared that if she got into another relationship, she wouldrelinquish her personal identity. She had been very passive in her married

life. Partly blaming herself all of these years for her failed first marriage,

she became afraid to trust her judgment of men the second time around.

Suzanne finds herself facing retirement alone, and not happy about it. She

wants very much to have the emotional and economic support that a loving,

committed relationship can bring. She has re-activated her dating club

membership, and is in active pursuit. As emotional roadblocks rear their

ugly heads, they must be confronted. Again, we cannot let our fears defineour lives!


All Right Reserved7


8/15


CHAPTER IV

ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS: STRUGGLING IN

RELATIONSHIPS

Laura, 29 years old, has been in recovery from alcohol since her

adolescence. A schoolteacher, and the child of alcoholic parents, she has

avoided relationships because she tends to be overly passive, when she gets

involved. She is a pleaser, and does not know how to set limits. She has no

clue what is normal. Her boundaries are loose, and they get her in trouble

every time. She knows that hooking up with a guy in the program has never

worked out for her, yet when a charming, fellow happens to pay attention to

her, she is easily swept off her feet. The real problem is that she forgets that

she is not making healthy choices and doesnt realize it until she isemotionally addicted to this bad-boy. Ultimately, nothing comes before

program for her, and she is clear that there is no place for alcohol or drugs

in her life. Her self-esteem starts to plummet, and she abruptly ends the

relationships. The result has been chronic heartache. The program has not

supplied men of marriage material. This is her sabotage pattern. The only

thing that works for her is getting the amount of help she needs to stay on

top of things. If you need more support, for heavens sake, get it!


All Right Reserved8


9/15


CHAPTER V

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, FAMILY OBLIGATIONS, & WORK

Sarah is thirty-six and has been happily married for six months. A hardworker, and devoted sister and daughter, she had taken on the lions share of

the family responsibilities after the death of a parent. So committed, she

managed to avoid paying attention to her own personal goals for marriage

and children. She is a caretaker par excellence. Like many women, her life

was focused on the needs of others. She had to work through deep guilt as

she pulled away from family obligations just enough to focus on herself.

Another roadblock was that Sarah had been hanging out with an old friend

who was not in love with her. The two had a mutually satisfying, ifuncommitted relationship. Today, we call this, friends with benefits. The

arrangement temporarily met her needs for male attention and

companionship, but it eliminated her drive to seek an appropriate partner.

That relationship had to end before another could begin. She has since met a

wonderful man and is enjoying married life.


All Right Reserved9


10/15


CHAPTER VI

PERFECTIONISM

Julie is a perfectionist. She knows exactly what she wants. She wants what

she wants, and she expects nothing less. She assumes that Mr. Right will

know exactly what to do and hell do it most of the time. Remember that

good husbands are created with love and positive reinforcementand even

then, they will not be good everyday. Neither will we. When Julie hits a

speed bump, shes done. She wants perpetual bliss. She said, I ask him

for things and he doesnt do them. When I told her, this is life with the

opposite sex, she explained,Im not going to settle! Julie does not fall in

love easily, and is quite unforgiving. This is a difficult form of sabotage to

overcome. It does require persistent effort.


All Right Reserved10


11/15


CHAPTER VII

THE QUEEN OF FIRST DATES

Jesse eliminated contenders even more quickly. She was queen offirst dates, and generally found herself turned off after each one.

She came into my office saying, All this guy did was talk about

himself! He wasnt interested in me at all. He is self-centered, and

has no manners. I wont be seeing HIM again!

She did not realize that even in daily conversation, many men do

not understand, nor are they skilled, in the fine art of small talk.

Most guys tend to respond to questionswith answers. Theydont realize that she is attempting to initiate a conversation, not an

interview. Think about this: if you were dancing with a man, and

he steps back, you step forward. When he steps forward, she steps

back. This dance is a basic step that most people learn from a

trained professional. It requires work to really understand and be

able to implement complimentary movement with grace. The

same is often true for conversation. If you quiet down, maybe hell

ask you questions. If he doesnt, just say with a smile, now youask me some things, or simply volunteer information.

The same goes for romantic gestures, like opening a door for you,

or offering to pay for the first date. If he lacks a desire to please or

impress you, that is one thing; if he lacks the basic know how, that

is another. Check in with the jury on that, before you cross him off

your list.

If we are judging a mans chivalry or thoughtfulness based on his

present skill set, we may be cutting ourselves off at the knees.

Sometimes we have to ask for what we wantwith a smile, the

benefit of the doubt, and a belief that he would if he could.

Ill say it again, good husbands are made their willingness to

please, however, must be there.




12/15


CHAPTER VIII

JOURNAL/WORKBOOK

There are many roadblocks to success that people set up to protect

themselves from their fears. Where once these coping mechanisms served a

purpose, they have worn out their welcome, and have become obstacles to

our happiness. Are yours serving you anymore?

How have you held yourself back?

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

What are your patterns of sabotage?________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Where do they come from? Why did they develop?

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________




13/15


What are your fears?

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

How have you tried to face your challenges? What has worked? What has

not worked?

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

What is your plan today?

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Throughout my career as a counselor, people have said things like, I read

all the self- help books, but nothing works for me. It reminds me of the time

my gynecologist gave me a diaphragm for birth control, and quite explicitly

said to me, Joyce, it will not work in the drawer!

I tell my clients, If you read a book about ballet, would it make you a

ballerina? If you read a book about playing golf, would you be able to play

golf? If you took a French lesson, would you be fluent in French? NO. NO.

NO. You must DO the exercises in the workbook, you must follow the

guidelines in the main text, and you must be consistent and active.




14/15


THE SOULMATE COACH

Group & Individual Coaching ProgramsGet on the fast track to

finding love andcommitment!

You are not aloneIn her How to Find Your SoulmateCoaching Program, Joyce Dolberg

Rowe appliesher proven techniques andliterally guides you step-by-step to a long-term loving relationship with the rightpartner. You will have the personalattention, and 1-on-1 and/or groupsupport you need to help you achieveyour goal.

Call today and begin loving!

What Your Peers Are Saying:I highly recommend this coachingprocess for any woman, young or old, stillsearching. it's worked for me! F.N.

I went through many frogs beforemeeting my prince, and meeting Joyce,and learning her guidelines. Now I amengaged! I believe that Joyces coachingprogram and her book had a lot to do

with it...and I am grateful to have learnedhow to meet and marry my soulmate fromher. I got engaged 09/06". Malinda

With Joyce's guidance and techniques, Ihave found my lifetime partner. Lorraine

To Register, call today:1- 800- 667- 6252

[email protected]

Support Group TeleconferenceLimited to Ten Per Group

6 one-hour group sessions led by theauthor $800 value, 50 % off with your book

purchase

Individual Tele-CoachingProgram

5 one-hour private sessions with the author$1000 value, 40% off with your book

purchase




15/15


Joyce Dolberg Rowe LMHC, Professional Coach & SpeakerJoyce Dolberg Rowe, LMHC, is the Clinical Director for the Mars & Venus

Counseling Centers. In private practice since 1980 she shares her expertise andexperience as a relationship coach and public speaker to help individuals find and

keep their soulmates.



Documents

Sabotaging Ourselves