The Parenting Course Live Talk

Session 2 – Meeting our Children’s NeedsPlease note:

Text in a box indicates when Nicky and Sila tell stories from their own experience. These may be replaced with a live speaker’s personal experience, or the speaker may tell the story about Nicky and Sila in the same way that they tell stories about others. A text box is also used for the prayer at the end of each session which, if you would prefer, you can replace with your own.

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Insert – 3.4 Parents – discussing childrenIN 00:45:00

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Part 1: The Five Love Languages – Words and Touch

SILAWelcome back to The Parenting Course. We hope you found the first session helpful, and enjoyed getting together with other parents and recognising you are not alone in facing the issues and challenges in bringing up children. One thing we can be sure of is that, at various moments, our children are going to embarrass us.

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One such occasion for me was when we were living in Japan. A Japanese woman wearing a beautiful pale coloured silk kimono, was holding Kirsty when she was about 6 months old. I suddenly saw the contents of her nappy were seeping out and running all down probably the most expensive kimono I had ever seen. I was so embarrassed! I didn’t know where to put myself.

NICKYThen there’s the story of the family who had guests to Sunday lunch. The father thought he would show off how good his five year old son was at praying so he asked him to say grace. There was a long silence as the son was completely lost for words. Eventually the mother whispered out of the corner of her mouth, ‘Just say what Daddy said at breakfast.’ At which point the boy said very loudly and confidently, ‘Oh God, we’ve got those awful people coming to lunch!’

This session we’re going to be looking at meeting our children’s needs. Nothing is more important for our children than to know they are loved and accepted by us. We’re going to look at practical ways that we can show them that love. Unconditional love helps to give children a deep inner confidence. It enables children to feel secure in who they are and to be themselves. This confidence, this inner security, is important for two reasons. First of all, it enables them to make close relationships, and to have the confidence to be open with other people and to trust them. Secondly, this self-confidence helps them to handle peer pressure. It enables them to have the courage to make their own choices and to be different to those around them when they need to be. We often said to our own children they can either just be influenced by what everyone else is doing and saying, or they can be an influence on others for good. It’s our unconditional love and acceptance that will give them this confidence and security.

Insert – 2.0 Timothy Johns – effects of unconditional loveIN 00:02:43

Timothy Johns

When children come from a secure, loving background, then one has to define `love’, obviously: which is really in essence selflessness shown as a characteristic within the family from parents and with peers. Then they tend to be more considerate. They tend, again, to have a greater sense of self-esteem.

Love involves time, and time means children being able to talk, to be listened to, as well as learning to listen to others. And that ties in with an orderliness which needs to be within family in structure and suchlike. But, if they’re given that time, then they know that their opinion matters, it counts; and that obviously contributes again to self-esteem.

It also means, within a classroom environment in school, that they are more prepared to listen to others as well as to voice their own opinions when it’s asked of them.

OUT 00:03:35

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NICKYIt’s as though each child has an emotional tank inside them. When they feel loved, that tank is full. When they don’t feel loved, the tank is empty. And their behaviour acts like a gauge to show the level of the tank. So, when it is full, their behaviour and general disposition will tend to be better. When their emotional tank is empty, their behaviour and disposition will tend to be worse. When there’s a lot of whining, tantrums, bursting into tears, snatching, pushing other children, being rude, it is likely that their tank is on empty.

SILAFor our third child, Barny, this was particularly noticeable – I remember when he was 3 his nursery school teacher took me aside (something we all dread) and told me that he had been behaving badly all week (he hadn’t been great at home either). She asked me if I’d been giving him any one-to-one time recently. As I thought about it, having 3 children and all that that involved, I realised, ‘No, I hadn’t.’ So, on her advice, I went home and very deliberately set aside time over the next few days to do things JUST with Barny - painting, reading a story, or whatever. It wasn’t easy to fit in the time, but I was amazed at how it totally transformed his behaviour. From then on, we realised that this kind of one-to-one time made him feel loved. It filled up his emotional tank.

So often, those times when our children seem to be pushing us away are the very times when they need to be reassured of our love.

Insert – 2.1 Parents – emotional tankIN 00:05:13

Sam I think one of the obvious things that I notice with our six-year-old particularly, who is a very cuddly child, when his love tank – when he hasn’t had enough kind of physical contact, he gets quite emotional, maybe a little bit clingy, perhaps a bit whiny, that kind of thing. And very often he just needs a little bit of, you know, time – us stopping, giving him a hug – and then he’s kind of fine again.

Tony For my middle daughter, middle child, she will get really low. She’ll start fighting with the other children, and it’s her way of communicating that she needs attention. And she goes down further than the others, and more frequently. But once she’s picked up, she’s great for a good while.

Taryn Then one day noticing that our little girl was extra-weepy and crying about the smallest things, I took her out for our own special little date. We went and had a hot chocolate at a coffee shop down the road, and on the way back she just couldn’t stop talking! In fact, while we were there she couldn’t stop talking and laughing and smiling, and got back and told her brothers what an amazing time she’d had. (Mm) And the whole day was just different, because she was happy, her love tank was full. Yeah, and her mood was just transformed, really. So we know that it works. It was very obvious.

Mark Yeah, she literally burst through the door, and you could see `Wow, something’s

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been happening here!’

Taryn Yeah!

OUT 00:06:54

NICKYSo, how do we fill up this emotional tank in our children, and then, how do we keep topping it up on a regular basis? Tom Marshall, a counsellor who has talked to hundreds of people about relationships, said: ‘I have lost count of the number of those who have said to me, “I suppose my parents loved me in their own way but I never felt it.”’ Our children not only need to be loved by us, but they need to feel loved by us.

Some of you will be familiar with Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages of Children. Gary describes five different ways through which we can show love. One way is with our words – by saying things like, ‘I love you,’ ‘You’re special,’ ‘You did that really well,’ ‘It’s such fun playing this game with you’.

SILAA second way is with touch – a hug, a kiss, a cuddle and other ways of showing physical affection.

NICKYA third way we can show love is with our time – setting aside time to spend together, focusing our attention exclusively on our child.

SILA A fourth way we can show love is with presents – giving a child a tangible sign of our love through a gift.

NICKYAnd a fifth way is with our actions – doing practical things for our children, taking care of them.

We use this concept of love languages on the Marriage Course because it’s also powerful in adult relationships. We get couples to think through these five ways of showing love – with words, time, touch, presents and actions – and to ask themselves, ‘Which is the most important way for me to feel loved?’ And very often the way one person feels most loved will be different from their partner.

Sila and I are very different. I feel loved through words – it’s when Sila says kind, encouraging, affirming words to me – and doesn’t say too many critical things all in one go – that’s when I feel most loved.

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SILAFor me, words don’t have such a big impact. It’s time that’s the most important for me. It is when Nicky sets aside time for us to spend together, and is not checking his phone for messages, that I feel most loved. What is helpful to recognise is that each of us will tend to give love in the way that we like to receive it.

NICKYSo I find it easy to show Sila and our children love through my words. It comes very naturally to me to encourage and affirm them. But Sila doesn’t actually feel really loved unless I take the initiative to set aside time to spend with her.

SILAOften in marriage we have to learn our husband or wife’s love language, and then keep practising it, until we become fluent.

And it’s just the same with our children. They too have a love language that’s the most important way for them to feel loved, and it could well be different to the way we feel most loved. This concept of love languages has been invaluable for us as a couple and for us as parents.

Insert – 2.2 Parents – love languagesIN 00:09:52

Eli Love languages has been very useful, and I feel very fortunate I discovered it early on. I read the Five Love Languages for Children, and could see straightaway that my daughter’s was time, followed by touch. So when she was very young I did do everything, because I think that just came quite naturally to parenting her. But it’s been good to know about time, because actually it’s my least important love language and her most important. So it’s quite an effort for me to spend time with her.

Tony Well, my son frequently tells me that I’m the worst daddy in the world because I just don’t buy him things when he tells me he wants things. He tells me that I’m the only parent who doesn’t do that, which I have trouble believing! But that’s what he likes – he likes to have that sort of communication through gifts, through presents, that sort of thing.

Sijeong My son feels loved most by playing with him, having time together closely. But with my daughter, she’s different – she’s more … I think she feels loved by touching, hugging and kissing!

Taryn Our little boy, we noticed that he would always give us – like he’ll bring us a special stick that he’s found or a precious stone. And then we began to realise that actually it’s very important for him to get gifts. They don’t need to cost anything, but if we thought about him and found something just for him, then that makes him feel great.

OUT 00:11:26

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NICKYEven though some of these love languages will be more important than others for each of our children, they need to experience being loved in all five ways – through words, touch, time, presents and actions. And we have to learn to use all five – the ones that come less naturally to us as well as the ones we find easy to use.So, how do we put these love languages into practice?

1. Affirming words

First of all we’re going to look at affirming words. The words we speak to our children will affect how they think about themselves for the rest of their lives, just as what our parents said, or didn’t say, to us will have impacted us.

A man, who was the youngest of five children, recounted how when he was nine years old, his mother died very suddenly of a heart attack. He went on to say: ‘My dad remarried very quickly. My stepmother brought with her three children, two of them close to my own age. So all of a sudden this woman who really didn’t really care for me or my siblings was raising me. They divorced horribly after about six years of marriage. Let’s just say that from ten to about seventeen years of age I was raised with really interesting family dynamics. But every night my dad, until I left home, came into my room – when I was young, he would tuck me into bed and when I was older he would come and check on me – every single night he said to me, “Son, remember, just between you, me and the gate post, you are an extremely gifted and special young man. There are great things in store for you.” Those words sank into my bones and my soul. They became part of me. I’m not really that talented – there are some things I do well, but I’m not a genius or anything. However, I never doubted myself. I’ve never questioned whether I could accomplish anything, whether I was capable of anything. That is perhaps my father’s greatest gift to me. He gave me belief in myself that is unwavering. He gave me a sense of worth and potential independent of my circumstances that, no matter what happened to me, I could still choose my life.’

Insert – 2.3 Rob Parsons – effect of positive wordsIN 00:13:27

Rob Parsons You know, I’ve made loads of mistakes as a parent. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that, when it comes to their own children, there are no experts. Not the people who run the events or write the books – just people trying to get their own kids through as best they can. So I’ve made bags of mistakes. But let me tell you one little success – and I didn’t realise I’d done it.

My daughter’s grown now, and I think Katie is one of the least arrogant women you’d ever meet. But she said a nice thing to me the other day. She said, `Do

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you know what, Dad – when I walk into a room I feel pretty good, pretty confident about myself. And I thought, why is that?’ And then she said, `I realised that the first man in my life made me feel special. “You look nice, Katie. Oh Katie, you did that well! Katie, what’s your opinion of this? Katie, can you spend a bit of time with me on this?” The first man in my life made me feel special.’ This is a powerful gift to give a child.

OUT 00:14:18

SILAWords have the power either to build children up or to put them down. Whatever our own experience, we can use affirming words to make our child feel loved.

Insert – 2.4 Parents – wordsIN 00:14:33

Krista I don’t think I ever remember a positive word. I think – yeah, it’s quite shocking, but I really don’t remember many positive words. So actually I think I’m probably over-positive, because I realise how important it is. And particularly my ten-year-old, Owen: he really needs to hear that he’s adorable – and he is! And he needs to know those things. And it’s so important to be said, (Mm, very much) isn’t it, because, you know, there’s a gulf in a relationship if it’s not said. You can’t say enough to your child. Because they have so much negativity coming at them in the playground, from the TV, from the computer – everywhere else. You have to be able to say, ‘You’re good at that. You’re good at this. And I love you. Even when your behaviour’s not great, I still love you.’ (Mm) Yeah. ‘I don’t like your behaviour, but I love you!’ (Mm)

OUT 00:15:24

SILAThe aim for all of us as parents is to speak loving, accepting, affirming words to our children – not only for what they do, not just for how they perform, not only when they please us, but for who they are. Saying, for example, ‘I love having you as my daughter’ or ‘I love having you as my son.’

We should look out for personal attributes to affirm – characteristics of our child that don’t necessarily get noticed at school or by anybody else – and praise their genuine achievements, big or small. Perhaps they’re good at showing kindness or being gentle with a younger child, or being self-controlled when annoyed, or they’re helpful around the house.

That doesn’t mean being untruthful or using false praise. We shouldn’t praise our children for anything and everything they do, however well or badly they do it – that will be detrimental to them and they won’t be learning about the realities of life.

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We can so often be unaware of the impact of insensitive or critical words we speak. We should be careful of how we speak about our children in their hearing or making flyaway comments such as, ‘Jane is so much more demanding than her brother’, or as one mother said to another parent recently in the hearing of her children: ‘I can’t wait for three years time when they’ll be older and easier to manage’. These comments can have a long-lasting effect on our children. As parents it’s so easy to focus on our children’s failures or where we clash. Sometimes that’s because we’re embarrassed by what they’re doing or not doing in front of other people, or we’re very ambitious for them.

Insert – 2.5 Rob Parsons – effect of a parent’s negative wordsIN 00:16:57

Rob Parsons The power of the words we speak, I think, are awesome. I remember speaking to a woman in her mid-forties. She was a very cynical person, very bitter – to be honest, unattractive in almost every way. But during our conversation she pulled out a photograph and showed me this photograph of herself as a little girl: she was just beautiful! And she said, ‘I was beautiful, wasn’t I?’ and I said, ‘Utterly beautiful!’ I said, ‘Tell me about your family life.’ ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘my father was wonderful. He would rush into the garden and sweep me into his arms and tell me I was beautiful. And some nights I’d go to bed early and he would come in late from work, and I’d wake and he’d be sat on the end of the bed. And I’d say, “Daddy, what on earth are you doing?” “I am sitting here looking at you and thinking how beautiful you are!”’

I said, ‘Is he still alive?’ ‘No,’ she said, ‘he died when I was eleven years old. And my mother loved me with the wrong kind of love.’ I said, ‘Whatever do you mean?’ ‘She always wanted me to be better than I was. If I came second in school, she told me I could be first. If I came fifth in the race, she told me if I trained harder I could be in the A team. She told me my hair was straggly because I didn’t eat enough fish.’ She said, ‘I remember saving for six months for a gown for a ball, and when I came downstairs in it she told me it made me look cheap.’ She said, ‘I remember going upstairs and cutting it in tiny pieces with scissors.’ She said, ‘Her last words to me before she died were: “Your glasses are on crooked.”’ And I look at this woman, and the words of her mother have had such a negative effect on that woman as an adult.

OUT 00:18:27

SILAOf course we need to correct our children and put in boundaries – we’ll be talking about that in the next session – but underneath there needs to be this steady stream of encouragement – telling our children on a regular basis how proud we are of them and how much we love them. If we don’t say, ‘Well done!’ or ‘You’re great’, our children can spend their whole lives trying to earn our approval.

Professor John Gottman, a psychologist who has been studying family dynamics for more than thirty years, says to parents, ‘For every one negative comment, there needs to be five positive ones.’

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Insert – 2.6 Parents and children – encouraging wordsIN 00:19:01

Bart Then in sports day, when I didn’t do very well, they congratulate me and say, ‘Well done for trying!’ and I really am happy about that.

Sijeong It is really essential to encourage our children with words. But we’re trying to say not just, ‘Well done! Oh, very good!’ but we also try to say, ‘Oh, because you’ve been working so hard you reach this, so this is by all your hard work.’

Barbara With Samuel being on the autistic spectrum, using encouraging and affirming words to him has been really important, and I would say really has helped in his development.

Luke Mm, I like it when people say that, because I feel like I’m better at things and I’ve improved at doing them.

Shona There are times that I do feel, you know, they really have – I’ve told them off for quite a while now or they were really struggling to behave. But then they will be behaving for a while, and I’m saying, ‘Listen, you’re doing a really good job here. I know it’s hard for you at the moment. You might be feeling a bit angry. But you’re doing such a good job.’ And then my daughter especially, she loves it when she gets that praise! She just wants to give me a big cuddle, and she has a big dopey grin on her face for ages!

OUT 00:20:24

NICKY

2. Affectionate touch

A second way to communicate our love to our children is though affectionate touch. Virginia Satir, a family therapist, who has spent a lifetime studying families, said: ‘Young children need four hugs a day just to survive, eight hugs a day for maintenance and twelve hugs a day for growth.’

For babies and very young children it’s relatively easy to do that – but we can all too quickly neglect their need for physical affection as they get older. We can end up touching them only when we need to – such as when we help them to get dressed or undressed; or we’re getting them into the car or putting them in their buggy, tucking them up in bed or helping them at the playground.

For some parents, being demonstrative doesn’t come naturally – we may not have experienced any affectionate touch in our own growing up, and so we don’t have a good model – or we may have bad experiences of physical contact. The good news is that we can all learn to show our love through physical affection.

It may well take effort and practice and can feel contrived at first – our encouragement is to persevere.

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Insert – 2.7 Parents – showing physical affectionIN 00:21:28

Mark My father was – perhaps it’s a generational thing – he was a bit stand-offish. I knew that he loved me. We did things together. But the demonstration of physical affection wasn’t something that was done at that time. And perhaps, you know, I picked that message up, but find it very easy to show physical love to both my children. And I think they respond to that. (Mm) I think they really do get a sense of comfort, of grounding. I think it stands them in great stead as they grow up. And it just brings the family closer together. And it means that when you fall out you can repair the damage quickly.

Phil Lukas wants lots of hugs, (Mm!) maybe for all sorts of reasons. You know, he’s sometimes over-affectionate at inappropriate moments. (Mm) Like we’d be trying to get something out of the oven, and he was like ‘Uncle Phil, can I have a hug?’ and I said, ‘Well, just not quite now, because your mum – you don’t want an accident!’ But they all want their hugs. So we just – you know, you can’t have too many hugs, can you? (Yeah) So I think I’m really affectionate with the kids, and I think it just comes naturally, really.

OUT 00:22:39

NICKYAs parents we need to take advantage of this simple and yet powerful way of showing them our unconditional love. It helps to be on the lookout for natural opportunities, that help us to get into good habits, such as hugging and kissing – not just when they’re tiny – but continuing as they get older. Remembering to give them hello and goodbye kisses.

Insert – 2.8 Children – liking hugsIN 00:22:59

Interviewer When do you like to have a hug?

EmmaMatthewEmmaMatthew

Normally in the evenings.When I‘m scared, in the evenings and sort of ...And when I have a bad dream.Yeah, and when we have bad dreams, and when we’re going to school, normally.

Emma When we say goodbye to Mummy.

Matthew Yeah, or Daddy.

OUT 00:23:18

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NICKYMany boys love wrestling and play fighting. I remember when Benj was about six – he made a Father’s Day card for me – inside it he put: ‘I love you Dad because you love me and you play rough and tumble with me.’

With our boys, I remember one of my favourite games was picking them up when they were little, and throwing them onto our mattress. (We slept on the floor, so there was no danger of them falling off and getting hurt.) The game was to see if I could get all three boys on to the mattress at the same time. I loved it. But I never thought of it as filling up their emotional tanks, until I got that Fathers Day card from Benj. When they got to their mid-teens, they thought it would be quite fun to throw me onto the mattress! That’s when we stopped that particular game.

Some children like to use us as a climbing frame.

Insert – 2.9 Children – using parent as a climbing frameIN 00:24:06

Emma Matthew sometimes does a koala hug on Mummy!

Matthew Yeah, I do! Sort of sometimes climb up. And it feels, well, like Emma said, relaxed and safe. It feels relaxed and safe, really.

Interviewee What’s a koala hug?

Emma It’s when the tree is Mummy, and then he’s like hugging the tree like a koala does!

Matthew Oh, basically I just climb on, and climb on and hug her! Yeah, I’m just hugging! Yeah, and I’m putting my hands round Mummy’s neck so I can hold on!

OUT 00:24:38

NICKYOur encouragement is, particularly to fathers on this love language, don’t stop hugging your boys. One person told me recently that her husband had never again had a hug from his dad since the day he went to a new school, aged eight. His dad said to him ‘Now, we shake hands’, and her husband told her, ‘Something died in me that day!’

We can show affection in all sorts of ways – the daily routines we looked at in the last session are great times for practising affectionate touch such as: bath time, story time, when we’re tucking them into bed and say goodnight.

Other opportunities might be when we’re doing some kind of sport with them such as going swimming or skating. Equally, watching TV or a DVD together, or reading stories, can provide special time to be snuggled up with a child. With an

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older child, we might sit beside them, or stand behind them, with a hand on their shoulder, helping with homework.

Showing our love for our children in a demonstrative way through affectionate touch will make them feel secure and loved, whatever they are going through.

Insert – 2.10 Children – the power of hugsIN 00:25:40

Lauren Josiah is very cuddly with my mum and dad, and so am I, so is Lukas. And we love our hugs and cuddles.

Interviewer Well, how does that make you feel when they give you a cuddle?

Charlie Well, it makes me feel like I’m not surrounded by nothing; I’m surrounded by two grownups that really love us and care for us.

Joel It feels like just sitting like in a blanket.

Fergus And she squeezes my hand, meaning ‘I love you lots.’

Girl VOX POPs Because it shows me how much they love me.

Matthew I would say pretty important. Because they love you, your parents, and basically you need to remember they love you whatever you do.

OUT 00:26:31

SILAFor some parents these love languages of affirming words and affectionate touch come naturally. For other parents they will be harder and it’s a process of learning.

Insert – 2.11 Parents – learning to give affectionate touchIN 00:26:41

Sam A love language that I’ve really had to learn and be quite deliberate about is the physical touch. And I think that’s one of the challenging things, or the most challenging things, about having children: is the physical contact. Especially when they’re little and they’re sort of, you know, clambering on you and they’re wanting your attention all the time physically. And our six-year-old definitely, physical touch is their love language. He just can’t get enough of it. And I have sometimes felt slightly like I’m suffocating and found it really difficult and, you know, have tended sometimes to want to, you know, put a bit of distance in! But actually what I’ve decided is, because I know it is important to him, I know that it will sort of make him feel really loved if I’ve got an opportunity to hold his hand, to stroke him on the head or give him a cuddle spontaneously rather than just as an act of doing something – like holding hands: it doesn’t mean we’re going somewhere; it’s more where I’ll just grab his hand. And it makes an extraordinary difference in his whole attitude to life and his being, wouldn’t you say?

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Archie Yeah!

OUT 00:27:56

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONWe’ve put an exercise called ‘Using words and touch’ in your manuals. Please think about whether you find speaking affirming words and giving affectionate touch to your children is something you do naturally or whether you struggle to give one or both of them. Then discuss the questions as a couple if you are here with your partner. Otherwise, discuss in a group of two or three.

END OF PART 1

Part 2: The Five Love Languages – Time, Presents and Actions

SILAWelcome back to Part 2 of Meeting our Children Needs. We’ve looked at two ways of showing love, two of the five love languages – affirming words and affectionate touch. We’re going on now to look at a third love language: giving our children one-to-one time.

3. One-on-one time

Child psychologist and co-author of The Five Love Languages of Children, Ross Campbell, writes: ‘One to one time is giving a child our full, undivided attention in such a way that he feels without doubt that he’s completely loved. It makes a child feel he’s the most important person in the world in his parents’ eyes.’

That’s not to say our children need our full attention all the time, as that wouldn’t be good for them either, and can lead to an unhealthy child-centred family. But they do need some special one-to-one time and, if we don’t give it to them on a regular basis, they’ll get our attention some other way – probably through bad behaviour such as whining, crying, being rude, squabbling with brothers or sisters, and so on.

Children would rather have our negative attention even when we’re cross with them than no attention at all. So we need to be aware that we can end up by only giving them our full attention when they are naughty and thereby rewarding their bad behaviour.

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There will be certain moments when they need extra one to one from us. For example, when they start at a new school, when they’re ill, when they’ve failed at something or a friend has been mean to them. We need to be aware of those occasions.

Our children crave this one-to-one time with us, and that’s not wrong – it’s not going to spoil them.

Insert – 2.12 Children – spending time with DadIN 00:31:44

Drew I like being with my dad, ’cos I don’t really see him very often ’cos he’s always at work.

James Yeah, I do too.

Tara Yes, they’re normally at work and they come home quite late too.

James Yeah. So I never really get a chance to see my dad. It’s only at weekends and stuff. But sometimes he’s not even there for weekends – he’s just like going away on a work thing or something.

Drew Yeah.

Tara Like my dad. I normally go to bed at eight o’clock, and my dad like sometimes comes home at nine.

OUT 00:32:11

SILASpecial time with their parents affects their whole outlook on life. It’s the most powerful way to build up our child’s self-esteem, not just for now in the short term, but for the rest of their lives.

Children benefit when they have some one-to-one time with each of their parents – so a mother with a son, or a father with a daughter, rather than only with a parent of the same sex.

Insert – 2.13 Parents and children – one-to-one timeIN 00:32:32

Mark I think Emma enjoys ballet, enjoys dance. And that’s really not something I’m particularly interested in, but I know for her it’s really important. (Yeah) And when I turn up to watch her on her show days, I can see her smile, beaming, because her daddy’s made an effort to come and see her. (Mm) And so I can see how important it is to her that I’ve made the effort, and that she feels that she’s making me happy makes her happy. So it is important. I know it’s a very major

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thing for her to get involved in, and it’s really important that I make the effort. (Mm, yeah) So I’m anxious to do that whenever I can.

Emma Me and Daddy, we went to the Natural History Museum in London and the Science Museum in London. And I liked it very much, ’cos we went by ourselves.

Ellie I like – we go shopping together sometimes. Like when my sister’s at dance at school, we go out shopping, me and Mum together.

Interviewer And why do you like that?

Ellie Because we can just spend time together and we don’t have my sister with me!

OUT 10:35:40

We can give this time in lots of different ways. With younger children, it could be reading a story – just the two of us. Or doing some painting or cooking with them, or digging in the sandpit.

When they’re young, ten to fifteen minutes of our undivided attention makes a big difference and goes a long way to keeping their emotional tank filled up.

I remember a floor puzzle, a jigsaw with really big pieces that I used to do with Benj when he was about three. It was of Noah’s Ark, with the ark at one end and all the animals going in two by two stretching across the room. When we first started doing this puzzle, it took us about twenty minutes and he loved it. However, after we had done it several times, he could have done it by himself in three minutes flat, but he used to make it last for a good quarter of an hour, because he loved the fact of having me all to himself down on the floor.

With older children, one-to-one time usually needs to be a bit longer – perhaps kicking a football around in the park, or a special shopping trip, or going to the cinema, going bowling, swimming, going out for a pizza, camping (even if it’s only in the back garden) or whatever your child is particularly interested in.

Sometimes giving a child this one-to-one time involves seizing a window of opportunity, that may be a struggle for us, particularly if it’s inconvenient or feels rather boring or slows us down.

Insert – 2.14 Rob Parsons – making the most of opportunities to spend time with childrenIN 00:35:04

Rob Parsons You know, I remember when Lloyd was a little boy we used to have `shaving tales’. He would come into the bathroom about half-past seven in the morning and say, `Dad, tell me a story.’ It was the last thing on earth I wanted to do, but

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I’d make up a story about some bully in school who got his comeuppance, and so on. We did that week after week down the years. But I remember one November morning where I thought, `Lloyd didn’t come today.’ And I remember yelling over the banister, `Lloyd, do you want a shaving story?’ He said, `Dad, I’m playing with Katie. We’ll do it tomorrow.’ There never was another one. We had lots of other great times together, but that little door of childhood closed. And if I’d known it was going to be the last one, I’d have made more of it.

OUT 00:35:43

SILAOne powerful way we can show our children they have our full, undivided attention is by giving them good eye contact. Eye contact shows that we are engaged with them and nurtures them at a deep emotional level. I always think of eye contact as a tangible way of loving our children. It’s as if, as we look at them, we’re pouring love into their lives; we’re filling up their emotional tank.

It’s worth thinking about whether we’re using eye contact positively or negatively.

I realised when our children were young that too often I was only using it negatively. I might say something like, ‘Josh, come here right now’. If he ignored me, I’d get more insistent, put my head forward and repeat – ‘Josh, come here now and look at me when I’m speaking to you’ - and my eye contact was sending the message, ‘You’re in trouble’. I had to rescue eye contact from the negative realm and use it positively to build them up. So, for example, if Josh was in the sandpit building a sandcastle, I made a conscious effort to look him in the eye as I said, ‘Well done, good digging!’

Our children learn by our modelling – if we look them in the eye, they’ll have the confidence to do the same with other people.

Insert – 2.15 Rob Parsons and parents – eye contactIN 00:36:56

Rob Parsons Dianne used to say to me when the kids were small, ‘Kneel and cup their heads in your hands. Look in their eyes when they speak to you.’ You might have heard of the little girl who said, ‘Daddy, listen to me while I’m reading.’ And he had his head sunk into the newspaper. He said, ‘I am listening.’ ‘Silly Daddy,’ she said, ‘Don’t you know you have to listen with your eyes as well?’

Mark Yeah, I think eye contact really is important. So much as parents we’re so busy sometimes we just keep looking down at our children. And, you know, just when you get down to their level, suddenly their eyes open up that much wider and they’re like, ‘Wow, okay! I’m all ears, and Dad’s all ears, and we’re doing this thing together.’

Rob Parsons When we listen with our eyes, we say: `You are special to me. You matter. I’m giving you not just time but myself.’

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OUT 00:37:44

SILAGiving our children one-to-one time isn’t complicated but it can be challenging. Looking back I don’t think I achieved it as much as I would have liked to, so I was immensely encouraged that Ross Campbell, speaking not only as a professional psychologist but as a parent, also found it hard. He said, ‘Finding time to be alone with a child free from other distractions is what I consider to be the most difficult aspect of good parenting.’

Whatever our situation, most of us will struggle to make this time. Perhaps we feel bored by young children, or maybe we’re exhausted, or stressed by the demands of work or life generally. Whatever the reason, we must make this time. Spending special one-to-one time sends the message to our children that we love them.

Insert – 2.16 Dr Aric Sigman, parents and children – importance of one-to-one timeIN 00:38:36

Dr Aric Sigman Nothing can rival, nothing can replace, the special magical time that we can spend giving our children undivided, one-on-one attention.

Bart When I’m ill, which I was today, I have a lovely time with Mummy and Daddy. Well, whoever it is. This time it was Mummy make sure that I had a lovely time! So.

Archie Our nine-year-old I walk to school. He would actually prefer to go in the car, (Mm) but – not just for environmental reasons – I actually get more time with him if I walk him. (Mm) And so that’s become fun. We can do it every morning together, and it’s wonderful. That’s one-to-one time. And our seven-year-old I take to ballet, and if ballet’s not on we go to a café and sit. And that’s really precious. And so I can see it becoming something more and more important to them, but certainly to me, and also something which is becoming a little bit easier as well.

Philomena Twenty minutes of one-to-one time, if that’s what their love language is, makes a real difference. So, you know, in our household the youngest one often gets sort of forgotten, so I might take him out for a hot chocolate after school, buy him a football magazine, or even just sit at home with him and make him a hot chocolate and talk about football – which I’m not remotely interested in particularly, but that really does it for him.

OUT 00:39:48

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NICKY

4. Thoughtful presents

The fourth way of showing love is through giving thoughtful presents. Some people dismiss presents as materialism, but presents are not just about our children wanting to have things. Certainly they can never be a substitute for the first three love languages – words, touch, or time. If we give a child a ball, the first thing they’re likely to say is, ‘Come and play with me,’ or if we give them a bike, ‘Can we go on a bike ride?’

And we can’t buy our children off with presents if we feel we’ve let them down in some way. Too many presents will spoil them and that’s not good for children. But, well-timed and well-chosen presents – not just on their birthdays and at Christmas – occasionally they are little things we find or buy for them – are a powerful visual symbol of our love.

A present can show a child that we’ve been thinking about him or her, perhaps when they weren’t with us, and it can make them feel very loved when we’ve chosen something especially for them, that we know they like. Then every time they look at it or use it, it reminds them of our love in choosing it for them.

Little children often start to imitate present giving at a young age – they’re quite likely to go round the house picking up objects, wrapping them up in newspaper (or whatever) and presenting them to us. They’re starting to learn about giving to others.

One important time to give presents is on a child’s birthday. A birthday is an opportunity to celebrate their special place in the family and to demonstrate how much they’re loved. For some children this language of love really matters to them.

Insert – 2.17 Parents – presentsIN 00:41:18Annie One of our daughters particularly just loves presents, she loves gifts. It doesn’t

have to be expensive or anything. But particularly if we know what she wants: you know, if we’ve heard the comment or the phone call or whatever, saying the thing that she’s after.

Mark Every now and again, just to catch them off-guard I’ll bring a few sweets in my backpack from work, and yeah, they’ll be … I’ll say, ‘Oh, can you just go and look in my pocket in my backpack?’ and they’ll go and they’ll find the sweets, or you’ll (Yeah) come out with them. And I think that’s just quite a nice way to give gifts, just sporadically, which goes down well.

Tony I just don’t buy presents for the sake of it, but occasionally I’ll just find something that’s just right for one of them, and I’ll do it spontaneously.

Eli I try to give presents that aren’t necessarily bought, as well. So I might make

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something for her. And now what’s interesting is that she will prefer that to something expensive. She’ll prefer something that’s well thought through and homemade.

Dianne I remember we were in a shop one day and Jacob saw this superhero dressing-up suit, and he really wanted it. And he just was at me and at me to buy this suit. And I knew he just loved the character. And so I got him the suit. But Neil wanted one as well in his size, only partly because I was buying it for Jacob. And I just said to him, ‘But will you wear it?’ And he said, ‘Oh, I will!’ But he didn’t really. So I got the two suits – I ended up buying the two suits, but Neil really wasn’t bothered with his, but Jacob got great enjoyment out of his one, and he really loved it. And it was a lesson, I think. I learnt that things – his love language is gifts and things. I mean, it worked well in the end actually, because he grew into the bigger suit!

OUT 00:45:14

NICKY Some of us are more natural present givers than others.

If I’m honest, presents don’t mean that much to me – they come at the bottom of my list of the love languages – but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the same for our children.I remember once going into my study, and seeing a note from Benj, on my desk which said: ‘Buy Benj a very expensive, surprise present for being such a great son.’ It made me laugh, but it also made me think, ‘When did I last do that – spontaneously buy something for one of our children as a sign of my love for them?’

And we found that, as soon as Benj had enough money of his own, he started to buy presents for other people, and we suddenly realised this was an important way for him to feel loved and to show love. It remains one of his primary love languages.

5. Kind actions

The fifth love language is kind actions, or, as Gary Chapman calls them, acts of service. These are the things that we do for our children. I suspect that, with this love language, you’re thinking, ‘I’m doing plenty of that: household chores, shopping, transporting them around the place, working to provide for my family, and so on.’ And of course, parenting by its very nature is sacrificial, an act of service.

Inevitably young children take for granted the things we do for them – they assume that’s what we, their parents, are there for – to provide for them, to look after them. Teaching our children to appreciate what we do and to say thank you, helps them to recognise we’re not their slaves.

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You may feel you’re constantly reminding them to say please and thank you for whatever it is you do for them, whether it’s making a meal or doing their washing. But we want to encourage you that gradually the message will be going in. And when they’re older, rather than assuming the world owes them a living, they’ll turn into people who are grateful for what others do for them.

As well as the regular, day-to-day actions, there will be other opportunities through kind actions to demonstrate to our children that we love them. Some will be very small and seemingly insignificant actions, such as making sure they have a cardboard box or empty yoghurt pots for an art project at school, or spending hours teaching them to catch a ball, or watch them play a sport, or help them make something.

Our children will remember the things we do for them, and they will make them feel loved and cared for. For some children, kind actions will be particularly important to keep their emotional tank full.

Insert – 2.18 Parents – kind actionsIN 00:47:39

Mark If something breaks, he will bring it to me and he’ll say, ‘Dad, please can you fix this?’ And I’ll say, ‘Okay, just pop it there.’ And I know that I need to fix that thing, because it’ll mean a whole bunch to him. (Yeah) And yeah, it’s amazing – you come home and you’ve maybe fixed it the night before, and you come home at the end of the day and he’s already noticed. He’s like, ‘Wow, Dad, thanks for fixing that!’ (Yeah) Such a small thing, but it achieves a huge amount. Yeah.

OUT 00:48:08

NICKYIt’s worth recognising that it’s the attitude with which we do things for our children, that will have an impact on them. If we’re resentful about doing things for them, our children will tend to feel guilty. If, on the other hand, they get a sense that we’re doing it out of love, it will help to fill up their emotional tank.

Sila’s least favourite job when our boys were all at the same school was making them a packed lunch before breakfast every morning. She longed for the day when this chore would be over. Soon after we first heard about the five love languages, we asked our children, which of them was most important for them to feel loved. As one of our sons munched his way through his third bowl of cereal, he said, ‘Well, actions really matter to me. I know Mum loves me because she makes me a packed lunch every day.’ It was extraordinary! I remember Sila’s face when he said that – utter amazement – and it changed her attitude overnight! She leapt out of bed the next morning, couldn’t wait to make them …! Well, not quite like that!

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SILANot that our children weren’t old enough to make their own packed lunches, but this was a practical job I’d decided to do for them, as they had an early start and a complicated journey to school. But I had no idea of the emotional impact of making those lunches, and I felt completely different after that conversation: I realised, I wasn’t only filling their stomachs with food, but also helping to fill up his emotional tank with love.

As with all these love languages, it is our modelling that will be most significant for our children to learn to show love in this particular way.

Insert – 2.19 Parents – parents modelling kind actionsIN 00:47:43Rachel I would say that kind actions are modelled by parents. And Sam is always

very good at looking after me and making sure that my well-being is catered for. And our children see that. And our children are very good at looking after each other.

OUT 00:48:04

NICKYWe need to give our children opportunities to express love through actions, even before they can do it as quickly or as well as we’d like them to.

Josh, when he was ten, used to enjoy making himself a milkshake when he got back from school. I used to look at them longingly. Then, one afternoon he made one for me without me asking for it and it was delicious. Later I went into the kitchen and saw the scale of the mess. Josh had used double quantities in the blender but had failed to put the lid on properly! Obviously there was mess everywhere that did need clearing up, but it was far outweighed by how touched I felt by his kindness and I told him as much.

The temptation for many of us is to do everything for our children. Often because it’s just easier. One mother recognised her desire to be in control was the reason she hadn’t taught her eight year old son to use the washing machine. He was perfectly capable of learning but she didn’t trust him to sort the laundry properly or to do it as well as she could.

Insert – 2.20 Timothy Johns – responsibilityIN 00:49:01

Timothy Johns Children, with the right guidance, will often relish responsibility. It gives them an opportunity to grow in terms of their confidence, their self-esteem; their self-belief that (a) they are trusted with something and (b) that they can rise

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to whatever the challenge of that is, have the satisfaction of seeing something through, carrying it through. Within a school environment, responsibility is a vital part of the workings of a community. As a school, you need children to take on elements of the running of the school day in terms of looking after their peers, in terms of simple things like supervision, gleaning ideas from others, being there as a listening ear for younger children, and so on.

And as children grow with that in a junior school where they can make mistakes and learn from that, it is very much a developmental experience. When they become older, when they’re into their late teens and have got big responsibilities that they’re starting to make for life, if they have learnt to take responsibility, to play a part in their younger lives, then it becomes much more easy for them.

OUT 00:50:14

NICKYActually, through doing it all ourselves, we are disempowering them. One of our main jobs as parents is training them gradually to take responsibility to look after themselves and to start to help with household chores. And it’s in the safety of the home that they best learn.

Insert – 2.21 Parents and children – doing choresIN 00:50:29

Ici We have a loft conversion, and we use the upstairs bathroom. The children usually use the downstairs bathroom. And we very rarely go in there. And there was wee stains up the side, there was toothpaste marks down the sink. You know, and I sat there and talked to the kids. But other people come into the house, they’re using that – it’s disgusting! ‘Make sure you …’ you know, all it is, is turn the tap on, let the spit go down!’ And so in the end, after going on and on and on, I made the rota and they have to clean it. And you know what? The bathroom’s beautiful now! So. And it’s amazing. You know, the kids take a bit of responsibility, they look after it.

Phil Except for the one who has to clean the toilet!

Ici Yeah! [they laugh]

Lukas The worst bit? Well, it’s obviously the toilet!

Josiah [giggles]

Lukas All these bits of – urgh! – dirt around it, gunk! Disgusting! The sink is the second. Well, I wouldn’t mind doing it. That has a bit of, you know, gunk as well. The bath is the best one, I think, to clean if you don’t want to get your hands all dirty and – urgh! Disgusting, I must say!

Josiah [giggles]

Phil and Ici [laugh]

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Ici It’s not very nice!

Phil Although they make sure it’s not their turn to clean the toilet! But some of them, Josiah actually asks to clean the bath sometimes, doesn’t he, himself, (Yeah) because they like doing it. So actually they offer to kind of clean – he loves cleaning the floor (Yeah. It’s good!) at the front. So they do, there are jobs they actually like to do. (Yeah) You know, sometimes we think, ‘Oh, they’re not going to want to do that,’ but actually they do love some of it! So you might as well make the most of it, eh!

Ici Mm, yeah!

OUT 00:51:59

NICKYAllowing our children to take on responsibility for different roles appropriate to their age can also help to build stronger relationships within the family as each person plays their part.

Insert – 2.22 Parents – giving children responsibilitiesIN 00:52:10

Shona I’ve encouraged the children to help me out around the house by letting them know that I’m not going to do everything for them. And it does get to the point where I’ve had to leave the playroom where you can’t actually see the floor for two weeks at a time. And they know that that’s their room to play in, that’s their responsibility to tidy up. I will help them, but ultimately it’s their responsibility. If they want to have a nice home, then they will do their fair share.

Madeleine It wasn’t easy at first. It’s become a part of the DNA of our family, but with all things that’s about building consistency. (Mm) I think one thing that really changed for us is when we changed our language. So, for example, they might have been going, `Why do we have to do this? It’s Saturday. I hate Saturdays – we do this every Saturday!’ And in the beginning we might have said, `Well, it’s everybody’s house and we’ve all got to pitch in,’ and given them those sort of rather boring reasons. Whereas now we’d sort of go, `I know, I know it’s a drag. And I’m sorry that we have to do it. It’s just the way we like to clean up. But, hey, look, would you prefer to do the hoovering and I’ll do the ironing for you or …?’ So to really come alongside them rather than be on them going, `This is the way it is, and you’ve just got to live with that!’ To understand that actually it’s boring! Well, I find it boring! [they laugh] So I agree!

OUT 00:53:18

SILAFor those children for whom being shown kind actions is their primary love language, coming alongside them to help them in their tasks, when they need it, will be particularly important for them to feel loved and secure.

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So to sum up – Time, Words, Touch, Presents, Actions. That list has been so helpful for us in two ways. First, as a checklist of whether we are showing our children love in all five ways.

Secondly, it’s helped us identify which love languages are most important for each of them.

Insert – 2.23 Parents – the impact of love languagesIN 00:53:52

John When I first learnt about love languages, (Mm) I suppose, if I’m honest, I was quite sceptical about explaining it to a seven- and eight-, or eight- and ten-year-old, as they are now, thinking that they wouldn’t really grasp it. (Mm) But actually, if you take the time to chat to them about it, (Mm) as to what Mummy needs or what Daddy needs, or actually in this situation what you need, (Mm) they do respond really well. It’s time well spent.

Taryn Yeah, just knowing about love languages has really made me feel empowered as a parent to just deal with … It’s explained why our children might be behaving a certain way. And just, yeah, I feel like now I can actually do something about that and help to make things better in our family, and help to make them feel loved, in a practical way. It’s very easy once you know what you’re looking for!

Archie I find the whole concept of love languages for the children hugely helpful. (Mm) Because I think as they’ve got a little bit older I’ve worked out a little bit which each of them is. And so I feel they’re like a sort of toolbox and there’s some tools in that, you know, if our six-year-old – I know that his is touch, and so if he’s sort of run a little bit low, it’s rough-and-tumble. Actually I suspect it’s probably the same with our two-year-old, although maybe it’s a little bit early to tell! And with our seven-year-old, hers, I think, is definitely time. So, you know, I think, `Oh, here’s another tool I can use – an extra story at bedtime.’ (Mm) That seems to do it. So I find having that in the front of my mind, these different love languages are really, really useful.

OUT 00:55:30 NICKYWe might not be able to discover straight away which of the love languages are most important for each child. And they won’t be set in stone – as they get older, the order may well change. Or we may become aware of the need to concentrate on a different one.

With one of our children, it’s always been very clear that spending time with him is the best way to fill his emotional tank.For our daughter, time and kind actions are equally important to show her our love. With the other two boys, it hasn’t been so clear as to which love language was most important, and using them all has been beneficial for our relationship and for them to feel loved.

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As Rob Parsons says, ‘If we can send our children into the world with an unshakeable belief that there is at least one person who, irrespective of their grades, weight, or athletic genius, loves and accepts them unconditionally, it’s the greatest gift of all.’

Right now there is an opportunity for discussion.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONYou will see that we’ve put some homework in the manual to help you think through how we put these love languages into action.

I’m going to close with a final prayer. Do please stay as you are while I pray:

‘Lord, thank you that you love us unconditionally. We ask that you would help us to love our children in the same way. In the midst of the busyness of life, help us to show them our love through giving them the time and affirmation they need. As we do this may they grow in self-confidence, to become open and trusting children who more easily build strong friendships themselves. We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.’

SILANext session we’ll be looking at the importance of setting boundaries for our children. Until then, goodbye.

NICKYGoodbye.

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