Romney Roulette

Rumor now circulates that Willard Mitt Romney (yes, Willard) plans to run in the

Presidential Election of 2016. Although he has not yet made any sort of confirmation, he has

spoken on the news several times, claiming he is still the best choice of a leader for the United

States. However, who exactly is Romney? Where does he stand? The inarguable, absolute truth

is that, well, no one knows – including himself. Although he ran on the Republican platform

against President Obama, he generally stood on whichever platform voters expected him to; it is

unclear as to how he will present himself in the coming years. This can be attributed to the fact

that when Romney was a child, he enjoyed playing “make believe” and would dress up as

different characters from movies and history. The problem, however, is that as he’s aged, he

hasn’t stopped pretending. Because of this, it’s important to understand what character he is

pretending to be, so one can understand how to speak to him. It is as if we are playing a game of

Romney Roulette.

Round 1: Tarzan Romney

As he portrays this character, he generally enjoys swinging from what sometimes looks

like an elephant trunk, and at other times resembles a donkey’s tail. Although he claims it is in

fact an elephant trunk in which he swings, it’s obvious that he will swing a close as he can to any

sort of ass that needs kissing – that is, if it can win him an election. This personality usually

doesn’t wear a tie; this is so he can unbutton the top of his shirt to show his primitive chest

jungle – banging on them as if they were the front doors of the White House he can’t seem to

make his way into, screaming his native cry – that in which resembles a Howard Dean victory

cry from the 2004 Iowa Caucus.

Round 2: Slithering Romney

As a child, Romney was an avid fan of snakes. Perhaps he loved them so much because

of their sly, deceitful mien. Moreover, he admired snake charmers as much as snakes themselves,

making them one of his favorite things to learn about in history class. Like snakes, Romney is

easily drawn from his basket by the music of his beckoner’s flute – in this case, however, the

flute spews money into Mitt Romney’s campaign instead of music into his ears. The important

thing to note, however, is the way in which he moves as he pretends to be a snake. Like the spine

of a snake, Romney can never keep his core completely straight. Most days, he leans a little left,

a little right, and then a little left again. Unlike a snake, however, Mitt Romney has no back bone

to begin with.

Round 3: Vincent Van Romney

This character is truly benevolent at heart, but he is afraid of what the world thinks of

him. So, he does whatever other people tell him to, as long as it is necessary to win the love he so

insatiably desires. The real reason he can’t find love in America is because he brings flowerles s

stems that still bear thorns. Knowing the country won’t accept the real Romney, he pretends to

be someone who isn’t, hoping he can finally find love. At this point, he has been turned away by

so many people that he will soon become desperate enough to sacrifice his own ear to the public,

his one true love – aside from money, power, and popularity, that is. The problem with this

character is just as it is with any other hopeless romantic; once the relationship has started

between himself and the United States, he will finally show himself to the country. There will be

a voluminous amount of I-told-you-so judgments, tears, and disbelief. Don’t blame yourself,

America, how could you ever know?

With this information, it is easy to understand that Mitt Romney is simply not ready for

the presidency. Although he seems to be a good man on the surface, there is a lot of maturing

that needs to be done. The last thing this country needs is our president playing Benito Mussolini

when engaging in foreign affairs. Be aware of this, and remember to take caution near him; you

may end up even more confused than Romney himself. If Mr. Romney decides to run for the

Presidential Election once more, we will be engaging in this sort of Romney Roulette. The

experience will be terrifying and even dangerous, but it can be stopped. Just remember to let him

know when you hear something you like.