Role Expectations Role Expectations in Marriagein Marriage

What happens after the What happens after the wedding?wedding?

• According to sociologists:According to sociologists:

1.1. couples must negotiate the relationship couples must negotiate the relationship they want to have and the compatible they want to have and the compatible roles each will play (McGoldrick)roles each will play (McGoldrick)

2.2. Erikson – couples have to resolve the Erikson – couples have to resolve the dilemma of intimacy vs isolation to dilemma of intimacy vs isolation to develop the ‘strength’ of lovedevelop the ‘strength’ of love

3.3. The challenge is how to keep The challenge is how to keep individuality yet at the same time grow individuality yet at the same time grow together as a coupletogether as a couple

The Contemporary The Contemporary CoupleCouple

• Purpose of marriage has changed over the Purpose of marriage has changed over the 2020thth century century

• Couples now looking for relationships Couples now looking for relationships based on companionship rather than based on companionship rather than parenthood or procreationparenthood or procreation

• Traditional marriage – man was the Traditional marriage – man was the independent one – out in the world independent one – out in the world seeking the means to support his family, seeking the means to support his family, whereas the woman was the homebody – whereas the woman was the homebody – creating the home for the couple and creating the home for the couple and familyfamily

EqualityEquality

• Today, most couples’ relationships Today, most couples’ relationships are based on equality – both are out are based on equality – both are out in the world workingin the world working

• The focus of the relationship has The focus of the relationship has morphed into companionship –needs morphed into companionship –needs to be developed over timeto be developed over time

Systems TheorySystems Theory

• According to systems theory, couples According to systems theory, couples must negotiate the structure, or, hidden must negotiate the structure, or, hidden ‘rules’ of their new relationship‘rules’ of their new relationship

• In a marriage, this means that the issues In a marriage, this means that the issues of daily living must be negotiatedof daily living must be negotiated

• There needs to be a division of laour and There needs to be a division of laour and decision making for a couple – this will decision making for a couple – this will look different with every couplelook different with every couple

• When 2 individuals get married (they are When 2 individuals get married (they are 2 ‘systems’), a new 32 ‘systems’), a new 3rdrd system is system is developed – the 2 systems join and developed – the 2 systems join and overlapoverlap

• Each partner’s expectations originate in Each partner’s expectations originate in their respective families and then must their respective families and then must be sorted through in order for that new be sorted through in order for that new ‘system’ to emerge‘system’ to emerge

• This leads to shared roles within a This leads to shared roles within a marriage marriage

• Since the focus is no longer on child Since the focus is no longer on child rearing, the more ‘social’ environment rearing, the more ‘social’ environment presents competing demandspresents competing demands

• Social norms – such as the previous ones Social norms – such as the previous ones that say the man is head of the house – that say the man is head of the house – the woman stays home to look after him the woman stays home to look after him are changing but not without tensionare changing but not without tension

• This can create tension within a This can create tension within a marriage unless a couple together marriage unless a couple together decide on how their ‘system’ is going to decide on how their ‘system’ is going to operateoperate

• Those conflicting demands between Those conflicting demands between personal needs and social and personal needs and social and economic responsibilities can create economic responsibilities can create tension for a couple as they work tension for a couple as they work together to develop those ‘intimacy’ together to develop those ‘intimacy’ and commitment sides of their and commitment sides of their marriagemarriage

9 Psychological Tasks 9 Psychological Tasks Needed for a Good Needed for a Good

MarriageMarriage• See page 206 in textSee page 206 in text

Stages in a MarriageStages in a Marriage

• Goldstine:Goldstine:• 1. Relationships are romantic, warm 1. Relationships are romantic, warm

and respectful – exploration, sexual and respectful – exploration, sexual attraction, idealization of partnerattraction, idealization of partner

-self esteem is built as they try to -self esteem is built as they try to develop the relationship they wantdevelop the relationship they want

Stage 2Stage 2

• Conflict arises as individuals try to Conflict arises as individuals try to have their own needs methave their own needs met

• Causes instability in the relationship Causes instability in the relationship and requires a change in behaviour in and requires a change in behaviour in both partnersboth partners

• Individuals may feel let down because Individuals may feel let down because the relationship is less rewardingthe relationship is less rewarding

• Individuals also have to be honest Individuals also have to be honest about their own needs and work with about their own needs and work with their partner to solve problemstheir partner to solve problems

Stage 3Stage 3

• Couples compromise and negotiate a Couples compromise and negotiate a relationship that meets their needsrelationship that meets their needs

• Each needs to develop more Each needs to develop more ‘flexibility’ about their roles and ‘flexibility’ about their roles and needsneeds

• The relationship becomes more The relationship becomes more realistic, mature and stablerealistic, mature and stable

Family Life Cycle TheoryFamily Life Cycle Theory

• Almost every marriage will go through Almost every marriage will go through some kind of ‘crises’, usually many over some kind of ‘crises’, usually many over the course of their relationshipthe course of their relationship

• Such as: birth of children, teenage years, Such as: birth of children, teenage years, children leaving home, retirement, children leaving home, retirement, growing old togethergrowing old together

• When these happen, couples go through When these happen, couples go through a stage 2 all over again and will have to a stage 2 all over again and will have to re-adapt and reconfigure those roles re-adapt and reconfigure those roles againagain

Defining SuccessDefining Success

Characteristics of successful marriage Characteristics of successful marriage partners:partners:

(Martin Whyte):(Martin Whyte):• similar valuessimilar values• similar activitiessimilar activities• pooling incomespooling incomes• sharing in decision makingsharing in decision making• friends in commonfriends in common• active social life togetheractive social life together

What does this suggest:What does this suggest:

• Social homogamy was a factor in the Social homogamy was a factor in the selection of a partnerselection of a partner

• Couples have made their marital Couples have made their marital relationship a priorityrelationship a priority

• They have ‘settled’ the issues of They have ‘settled’ the issues of power and influence in their power and influence in their relationshiprelationship

Gottman and SilverGottman and Silver

• Looked at the nature of interactions Looked at the nature of interactions between married couples between married couples

• If positive moments outweigh the If positive moments outweigh the negative ones by 5:1negative ones by 5:1

• Mutual commitment to the Mutual commitment to the relationshiprelationship

• Effective communication are criticalEffective communication are critical

What is a successful What is a successful marriage?marriage?

• This is vey subjectiveThis is vey subjective• Each individual must decide for his or Each individual must decide for his or

herselfherself• However the trends are that they However the trends are that they

base their thoughts on the base their thoughts on the expectations that they had when they expectations that they had when they entered the relationship and on their entered the relationship and on their willingness to adjust as the willingness to adjust as the relationship maturedrelationship matured

Social ExchangeSocial Exchange

• People stay in relationships when People stay in relationships when they perceive that the balance of they perceive that the balance of ‘give and take’ is fair ‘give and take’ is fair

• The benefits of staying in the The benefits of staying in the relationship outweigh those of relationship outweigh those of leavingleaving

HomeworkHomework

• 1. Read the ‘in focus’ on p 2081. Read the ‘in focus’ on p 208• Answer the questions on p. 209Answer the questions on p. 209• 2. Answer question #4 on page 2222. Answer question #4 on page 222