Revision at the Sentence LevelEmphasis, Conciseness, and Variety

Revision Priorities Look at your graders’ comments. Answer these questions.

(Organized by level of importance)

1.)Topic/Scope: Is your topic narrow enough? If no, how are you going to narrow it?

2.)Thesis: Are you making an argument? If not, how are you going to make a stronger claim?

3.)Reasons: Are your reasons clear to your readers? If not, how will you make your reasons clearer?

4.)Sources: Are your sources used effectively? If not, what will you need to do to effectively use your sources?

5.)Organization: Are your body paragraphs clearly organized? If not, how will you organize your body paragraphs?

6.) Sentence Level: Is your writing style clear?

A strong paragraph…

•begins and ends with important information

•opens with a topic sentence that informs the reader what it’s about

•develops what it’s about in the middle•ends with a summation of its contents and

a forecast of what’s to come•makes sense as a whole: words and

sentences are clearly related•relates to the paragraphs around it

Revising for Conciseness• Eliminate redundant words

▫ Using emotionally charged words, Rodriguez creates pathos and makes an emotional appeal to readers to evoke sympathy or empathy.

• Eliminate empty words▫ angle, area, aspect, case, element, factor, field, kind, nature, scope, situation, thing, type▫ Focusing on the emotional aspects of words enables Rodriguez to describe the situation

in which he grew up and the frustrating aspects of speaking a second language.

• Replace wordy phrases▫ at the present time = now/today▫ in today’s society = today▫ at that point in time = then▫ due to the fact that = because ▫ for the purpose of = for

• Simplify sentence structure▫ Richard Rodriguez, who was the child of immigrant parents and came from a

disadvantaged home, argues against bilingual education, which is a program in which students are taught in the native language.

Revising for Sentence Variety

•Vary Sentence Length

•Vary Sentence Openings

•Vary Sentence Types

Sentence LengthAlthough a series of short or long sentences can sometimes be

effective, alternating sentence length is usually the best approach. For example, after one or more long sentences with complex ideas or images, the punch of a short sentence can be dramatic.

Count the number of words in each sentence and write down the number (exclude quotations).

• Do several of the sentences contain the same number of words?

• Select sentences that you can easily alter. Consult section 44a for options.

Sentence Openings• You can add variety to your sentence openings by using

transitions, various kinds of phrases, and introductory dependent clauses.

• Write down the first four words of each sentence in the paragraph (excluding direct quotations).

• Do the sentences begin with different word forms: article adjectives, nouns, prepositions (of, to, before, after, etc.), subordinating conjunctions (after, because, so that, etc.), or relative pronouns (which, who, that, etc.)?

• Select sentences that you can easily alter. Consult section 44b for options.

Revising Topic Sentences•Look at one of your topic sentences.

•Does it transition smoothly from the preceding paragraph?

•Does it reflect all that the paragraph discusses?

•Does it connect to the thesis?

Comma, Semicolons, Colons.

• Just don’t use semicolons. ▫Cormac McCarthy doesn’t, so neither do you. ▫Make two sentences, or use a conjunction.

•Use colons when you have a complete sentence to introduce a quotation.

•Commas▫Use commas after introductory elements. ▫Use commas to join independent clauses

(must have conjunction). ▫Use commas for lists.

Commas • Use after introductory elements.

▫However, healthcare costs keep rising. ▫Wearing new running shoes, Logan won the race.

• To join independent clauses with a conjunction.▫The title sounds impressive, but administrative

clerk is just another word for photocopier. ▫The show started at last, and the crowd grew

quiet. • Use when listing items.

▫ I bumped into professors, horizontal bars, agricultural students, and swinging iron rings.

Practice

Exchange papers with a peer who will…1. identify five weak sentences—underline/highlight2. in the margin, explain the weakness: lacks emphasis,

not concise, not varied, imprecise topic sentence3. return the essay to the writer

The writer will then…4. select two sentences of the sentences identified to

rewrite 5. the writer will explain each revision—reason and choice6. write a short reflection on the reviewer’s evaluation7. turn-in revision and reflection

Revise the entirety of your draft. • Do a search and find on your word processor for these words:

▫ being▫ do/does▫ is/are/was/were▫ has/have▫ there▫ thing/something▫ this (as a pronoun)▫ what▫ you

▫ any contractions

• Eliminate these words.

Revision Activity • Find a sentence using each one of these words. • Revise each sentence eliminating these words.

▫ being▫ do/does▫ is/are/was/were▫ has/have▫ there▫ thing/something▫ this (as a pronoun)▫ what▫ you▫ any contractions

• Turn in your revised sentences either on a piece of paper or email it to me.

Brief Assignment 8 • Purpose: After you have written several drafts of an essay, one of the final steps of revision

prior to a last proofreading is to look closely at the sentence structure and language you have used to argue on behalf of your claim. This assignment enables you to practice these revisions on a single paragraph before working through the rest of your argument in the same way.

• Description: To complete this assignment, use the guidelines in Chapter 42 of the online handbook to revise one substantial body paragraph (i.e. between 6 – 8 sentences in length) from your 2.1 draft. Consider matters of organization, language, word choice, and grammar and mechanics as you revise. You will need to make significant revisions to your original paragraph. Include both the original and the revised paragraphs. You will also need to include 1) a statement of your thesis, so that your instructor knows the context in which these paragraphs were written, and 2) a paragraph evaluating the revisions you have made and their impact on the audience, purpose, and meaning of your draft as a whole.

• ADDITIONAL INSTRUCTIONS: You must remove these words from your revised paragraph: being▫ do/does▫ is/are/was/were▫ has/have▫ there▫ thing/something▫ this (as a pronoun)▫ what▫ you▫ any contractions