Revising Sentences and Paragraphs

8/18/2019 Revising Sentences and Paragraphs

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Revising Sentences aParagraphs

Module 16


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Revising

Revising means making changes in content, organizatone that will better satisfy your purposes and your aud

• Evaluating your work and measuring it against your goalrequirements of the situation and audience. he !est evaluatfrom re-seeing

your draft as if someone else had written it.audience understand it? Is it complete? Convincing? rie

•

!etting feedback from someone else. "s all the necessary ithere# "s there too much information# "s your pattern of oappropriate# %oes a revision solve an earlier pro!lem# &re themistakes#

• "dding, deleting, substituting, or rearranging. Revisiochanges in single words or in large sections of a document.


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'hat is (good( style#

)ood !usiness and administrative writing

#ounds like a person talking to another pers

Closer to conversation and less formal tstyle of writing that has traditionally earned higin college essays and term papers.

level of formality for a speci$c document%• *se a friendly+ informal style to someone you&ve talk• &void contractions+ slang+ and even minor grammatica

paper documents to people you don&t know. &!!are ,- in email messages if they/re part of the group/s

• Pay particular attention to your style when you write tyou fear or when you must give bad news.


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%i0erent evels of Style


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&re there rules " should follow#

•

Some (rules( are )rammatical conventions• 2or e3ample+ standard edited English requires that each sent

su!4ect and ver! and that they agree. 5usiness writing normalstandard grammar+ !ut e3ceptions e3ist. Promotional materi!rochures+ advertisements+ and sales and fundraising lettersentence fragments to gain the e0ect of speech.

• ,ther (rules( may !e conventions adopted !y an organi$ation

documents will !e consistent.

• 2or e3ample+ a company might decide to capitali$e 4o! titlesManager7+ even though grammar doesn8t require the capitals+ ouse a comma !efore and in a series+ even though a sentegrammatical without the comma. & di0erent company mdi0erent choices.

•

Still other (rules( are attempts to codify (what sounds good.( (9and (use !ig words(


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*sing the Right one

•

"f you8re the !oss+ it8s pro!a!ly ,- to email your su!ordinateknow when you8re free ne3t week for a meeting;.

• 5ut if you8re a su!ordinate trying to line up people on your owhigher up+ politeness pays< ('ould you !e a!le to meet ne3t wyou let me know what times you have free#(

• he di>culty+ of course+ is that norms for politeness+ like

friendliness+ can di0er from organi$ation to organi$ation+ fromgroup+ and even in di0erent parts of the country and of the wor

• 2urthermore+ the same words that seem polite and friendly comsuperior to a su!ordinate can seem pushy or arrogant comsu!ordinate to a superior. (-eep up the good work?( is @ne coyour !oss. "t isn8t+ however+ something you would say to your !o


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'hat should " look for when " resentences#

ry these si3 techniques.1. *se &ctive Aer!s most of the ime.

B. *se Aer!s to =arry the 'eight of Aow8 Sentenc

C. ighten Dour 'riting.

. Aary Sentence ength and Sentence StructureF. *se Parallel Structure

6. Put Dour Geaders in Dour Sentences


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1. *se &ctive Aer!s most of the ime

'assive (oice• 2ive hundred widgets were received

!y the customer.

• his method is recommended !y me

• he program will !e implemented!y the state agencies.

"ctive (oice• he customer rece

widgets.

• " recommend this met

• he state agenc

implement the progra'assive voice has at least three disadvantages%• "f all the information in the original sentence is retained+

makes the sentence longer. Passive voice takes morunderstand.

• "f the agent is omitted+ it/s not clear who is responsiblthe action.

• *sing much passive voice+ especially in material that has


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*se &ctive Aer!s most of the im=ont/d..

'assive voice is desirable in these situationsa. *se passive voice to emphasi$e the o!4ect rece

the action+ not the agent. Dour order was shipped 9ovem!er 1F.

!. *se passive voice to provide coherence within

paragraph. he !ank made several risky loans in the late 1IIHs. loans were written o0 as :uncollecti!le; in BHH1. 2s

c. *se passive voice to avoid assigning !lame. he order was damaged during shipment.


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B. *se ver!s not nouns to cathe weight of your sentence.

'eak


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C. ighten Dour 'riting

a. Eliminate 'ords hat Say 9othing'ordy < -eep this information on @le for future reference.5etter < -eep this information for reference.

,r < 2ile this information.

'ordy < 'e need to act on the suggestions that our customers o

5etter < 'e need to act on customer suggestions.

!. *se )erunds and "n@nitives to Make Sentences ShSmoother'ordy < & plant suggestion has !een made where they would pu

fa3 machine for the purpose of transmitting test reports !plants.

ighter < he plant suggests purchasing a fa3 machine to transmireports !etween plants.


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ighten Dour 'riting cont/d..

c. =om!ine Sentences to Eliminate *nnecessary 'ord'ordy< " conducted this survey !y telephone on Sunday+ &questioned two groups of upperclass studentsKmalefemaleKwho+ according to the Student %irectory+ wliving in the dorms. he purpose of this survey was twhy some upperclass students continue to live in theven though they are no longer required !y the *niv

do so. " also wanted to @nd out if there were any di0!etween male and female upperclass students in threasons for choosing to remain in the dorms.

ighter< ,n Sunday+ &pril B1+ " phoned upperclass men andliving in the dorms to @nd out 17 why they continuethe dorms even though they are no longer required and B7 whether men and women gave the same rea


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ighten Dour 'riting cont/d..

d. Put the Meaning of Dour Sentence into the Su!Aer! to =ut the 9um!er of 'ords'ordy< he reason we are recommending the comput

of this process is !ecause it will reduce the timeto o!tain data and will give us more accurate d

5etter< =omputeri$ing the process will give us more a

data more quickly.


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. Aary Sentence ength andSentence Structure

oo long < "t should also !e noted in the historical patterns in the summary+ that though there were delays in La2e!ruary which we reali$ed were occurring+ we are where we were a!out a year ago+ and that we are nin our collect receiva!les as compared to last yetime+ !ut we do show a considera!le over!udg!ecause of an ultraconservative goal on the investment.

=hoppy < here were delays in Lanuary and 2e!ruary. a!out them at the time. 'e are now !ack wherea!out a year ago. he summary shows this. ,ucollect receiva!les are in line with last year/s. Gow

e3ceed the !udget. he reason they e3ceed the !udour oal for receiva!le investment was ver conserv


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F. *se Parallel Structure

2aulty < " interviewed 4uniors and seniors and athletes.

Parallel < " interviewed 4uniors and seniors. "n each rank+ " interviewed anon athletes.

2aulty < Errors can !e checked !y reviewing the daily e3ception reportnum!er of errors you uncover when you match the lading copycopy of the invoice.

Parallel < Errors can !e checked !y reviewing the daily e3ception report

noting the num!er of errors you uncover when you match the lwith the @le copy of the invoice.

&lso parallel < o check errors+ note

1. he num!er of items on the daily e3ception report.

B. he num!er of errors discovered when the lading copy and tare matched.


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6. Put Dour Readers in DourSentences

hirdperson < 2unds in a participating employee/s acthe end of each si3 months will auto!e used to !uy more stock unless a :Election 9ot to E3ercise Purchase Righis received from the employee.

Secondperson < ,nce you !egin to participate+ fundaccount at the end of each si3 moautomatically !e used to !uy more stocyou turn in a :9otice of Election 9ot to Purchase Rights; form.


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'hat should " look for when " reparagraphs# =heck for topic sentences and transitions.

1. 5egin Most Paragraphs with opic Sentences.Gard to read no topic sentence7< 5etter paragraph starts with topic s

"n @scal BH1B+ the company @led claims for refund of federal ta3es of C+1II+HHH and interest of I6I+HHH paid as a resulte3amination of the company/s federal income ta3 returns !yRevenue Service "RS7 for the years BHHN through BH1H. "t is what amount+ if any+ may ultimately !e recovered.

5etter paragraph starts with topic Sentence7


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'hat should " look for when " reparagraphs# =ont/dO

B. *se ransitions to ink "deas


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)pening 'aragraphs of Warren *u+ett&s -/etter to #hareholders


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Gow does organi$ational culturea0ect style#

Gow does organi$ational culture a0ect style#• Researchers Lames Suchan and Ronald %ule

shown that 9avy o>cers preferred a impersonal style !ecause they saw themsefollowers. &n aircraft company/s enginee

wordiness as the ver!al equivalent of !ackup s& !ackup is redundant !ut essential to safety+ parts and systems do fail.


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Revising Sentences and Paragraphs