This article was downloaded by: [Nipissing University]On: 10 October 2014, At: 11:21Publisher: RoutledgeInforma Ltd Registered in England and Wales Registered Number: 1072954Registered office: Mortimer House, 37-41 Mortimer Street, London W1T 3JH,UK

International Journal ofListeningPublication details, including instructions forauthors and subscription information:http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/hijl20

Review of CoupleConversation: The Art ofCreating Intimacy by TheodoreE. ChaffeeMargarete Imhof aa Institute for Psychology , Johannes Gutenberg-UniversityPublished online: 27 Sep 2010.

To cite this article: Margarete Imhof (2010) Review of Couple Conversation: The Artof Creating Intimacy by Theodore E. Chaffee, International Journal of Listening, 24:3,189-190, DOI: 10.1080/10904018.2010.509002

To link to this article: http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2010.509002

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN FOR ARTICLE

Taylor & Francis makes every effort to ensure the accuracy of all theinformation (the “Content”) contained in the publications on our platform.However, Taylor & Francis, our agents, and our licensors make norepresentations or warranties whatsoever as to the accuracy, completeness,or suitability for any purpose of the Content. Any opinions and viewsexpressed in this publication are the opinions and views of the authors, andare not the views of or endorsed by Taylor & Francis. The accuracy of theContent should not be relied upon and should be independently verified withprimary sources of information. Taylor and Francis shall not be liable for anylosses, actions, claims, proceedings, demands, costs, expenses, damages,and other liabilities whatsoever or howsoever caused arising directly orindirectly in connection with, in relation to or arising out of the use of theContent.

This article may be used for research, teaching, and private study purposes.Any substantial or systematic reproduction, redistribution, reselling, loan,sub-licensing, systematic supply, or distribution in any form to anyone isexpressly forbidden. Terms & Conditions of access and use can be found athttp://www.tandfonline.com/page/terms-and-conditions

Dow

nloa

ded

by [

Nip

issi

ng U

nive

rsity

] at

11:

21 1

0 O

ctob

er 2

014

THE INTL. JOURNAL OF LISTENING, 24: 189–190, 2010Copyright © Taylor & Francis Group, LLCISSN: 1090-4018 print / 1932-586X onlineDOI: 10.1080/10904018.2010.509002

HIJL1090-40181932-586XThe Intl. Journal of Listening, Vol. 24, No. 3, Sep 2010: pp. 0–0The Intl. Journal of ListeningBook ReviewBook Review

BOOK REVIEW

Review of Couple Conversation: The Art of Creating Intimacy. Theodore E.Chaffee. Kansas City, MO: Beacon Hill, 2008.

Margarete ImhofInstitute for Psychology

Johannes Gutenberg-University

“. . . and they lived happily ever after.” This staple concept in folklore which canbe found in fairy tales and Hollywood movies alike, is anything but a workablemodel for leading a life and for building a relationship. We had sensed this evenbefore Theodore Chaffee’s book Couple Conversation had come out. Wheneveryday reality hits a relationship, when the couple is facing the challenge toachieve a sound work-life balance, skills are needed to make this shared life workin a way that it has a chance to grow and to flourish. The big question is: How doyou do this? Some may have been lucky to have had positive role models, buteven so, it is hardly spelled out explicitly what the “trick” was which made amarriage or a family successful. The market is flooded with books written from atherapeutic point of view. But they typically look at how ailing and breaking rela-tionships could be supported or “rejuvenated” if you will. The unique contribu-tion of Chaffee’s book is that he looks at the preventive steps and that he clearlyexplains what it means, on a day-to-day basis, to actually fill a relationship withlife and intimacy.

Chaffee’s book is built on two premises. He puts successful communicationinto the center of his book. It is important to note that couple conversation (theauthor avoids the term “communication” purposefully) for Chaffee first and fore-most means “listening.” It would be possible to “communicate” via post-it noteson the fridge. It is, however, obviously impossible to listen. When direct personalconversations are not in place, it will cause a lack of intimacy and deteriorate thesense of bonding. In the introduction, Chaffee maps styles of conversation andidentifies patterns of behavior which will lead to building intimacy and he gives alist of indicators to think about if a couple’s intimacy needs work. The second

Dow

nloa

ded

by [

Nip

issi

ng U

nive

rsity

] at

11:

21 1

0 O

ctob

er 2

014

190 BOOK REVIEW

important aspect for Chaffee is the religious background. He states his perspec-tive clearly and works with the backdrop of an outspoken Christian philosophy ofthe meaning of life and marriage.

Chaffee presents his ideas in very practice oriented manner. The examples heuses reflect his rich experience as a family counselor. The ideas he develops arewell grounded in the everyday experience of couples who are working on “creat-ing [their] together world” (p. 71). The ideas which he presents are encouraging,because Chaffee shows how engaging conversations are no miracle, but thateveryone can learn the skills if they make the effort. In the author’s view, couplesvery probably would not even need to start from scratch to work on their conver-sation habits because many couples most likely have some skills and experienceto build on: Their history of successful couple conversation which had initiallycreated their intimacy.

In essence, Chaffee points out that there are times for different types of con-versations and that they all contribute their share to a successful marriage. Heshows how “light talk” about the everday chores, about the funny and not sofunny things that one has encountered during the day, the laughing and joking,forms the basis for the other forms of conversation and how it helps a couple tonot lose touch (literally and figuratively). Therefore, this light talk is just asimportant as all the other, seemingly more elaborate forms of talk. “Mind talk” ison problem-solving, mutual understanding, and the effort to work through issuesof logic and belief. “Soul talk” allows partners to sense and to share others’ feel-ings, dreams, memories, and fears. These conversations take time, concentration,and trust to develop. “Heart talk” is about the ultimate issues of faith, love, andindispensable values. The general idea proposed by Chaffee is that the key to ahappy life together is to prevent communication breakdowns and accumulatingdissatisfaction with the relationship by securing times for personal communication,by exploring and attending to the different types of conversations, by placing equalvalue on both the talking AND the listening part involved, and by attaching ahigh value to the couple conversation as a regular part of your lifestyle.

The book is written in a clear and understandable language. The argumentsare well-supported and the examples are very illustrative. The readers are askedto think for themselves and to find their own ways to apply the ideas. However,the ease with which the arguments are presented may deceive the reader intobelieving that it is “easy” to put the ideas into practice. I would warn that this isnot always the case, and that couples with emerging marital tensions would stillneed professional help or some counseling along the way to improving their con-versation practice. This is why some might consider it as a textbook in trainingprograms for professional counselors. Unfortunately, the book is missing a refer-ence section, which would make it a more credible source for academic purposes.

Dow

nloa

ded

by [

Nip

issi

ng U

nive

rsity

] at

11:

21 1

0 O

ctob

er 2

014