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Relationships & Well-Being
- Psychology’s “Deep Truth”
- Important life goal -
73% students say they would sacrifice career & education before romance.- Important life outcome -
Deathbed test - relationships & life satisfaction.
Biological Foundation“Need to belong - fundamental human need - like food & water.
Evolution & survival
Oxytocin - cuddle hormone, hugs, sex, nursing
Irony of happiness, pain, & failed relationships
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Defining Close Relationships
Many social encounters - Intimate/close relationships matter most.
Six Characteristics of Close Relationships
Knowledge - mutual understanding based on reciprocal self-disclosure - spiral of disclosure reciprocity.
Affirmation & rejection.
Arons - small talk versus intimacy.
Long-term established - responsiveness not reciprocity important - support.
Trust - assumption that no harm will be done by others. Confidences.
Express true self, naturalness versus “public guarded self.”
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Defining Close Relationships
Caring - genuine concern, monitor & maintain relationship quality.
Interdependence - intertwining of lives & mutual influence. Those who affect us most. Tied emotional states.
Mutuality - sense of “we-ness” & overlapping lives. From “I” to “we.”
Commitment - intention to stay in relationship through ups & downs.
Decision & commitment to do necessary work.
Idealized view versus Grumpy Old Men
No one is guaranteed - i.e., intimate knowledge & dislike
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Exchange versus Communal Relationships
Clark & Mills - as relationships progress they move from exchange to communal.
Exchange - cost accounting balance sheet, at beginning & formal relations.
What put in versus get out. If ratio fairly equal- satisfied. If not -feel falling behind - in debt.
Reciprocating favors increases liking.
Communal
Developed relations, commitment to long haul. Keeping track & reciprocating favors feels creepy.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
On the Lighter Side:
What do we enjoy the most about our family & friends?
Can you like & love without laughter & humor?
50-year-married couples - why? Laugh together frequently.
1. Prosocial Teasing
Argyle & Henderson - teasing & joking basic rule of friendship.
Value?
Enjoyment
Closeness - like you well enough to tease you
Detoxifies
Paradox - teasing criticizes, yet it compliments, attacks yet makes people feel closer, humiliates, yet expresses affection (Keltner).
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
2. Sharing What Goes Right
Direct effects hypothesis of social support - friends good for us even when not distressed. Important to receive supportive responses to good events.
Gable & Reis - Capitalization - sharing positive event to receive additional benefits.
Several diary studies - dating & married couples measure & keep track of responses to sharing positive events in your life.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Response of partner critical:1. Active constructive - is as or more excited than
you2. Passive constructive - tries not to make a big deal
out of it3. Active destructive - points potential down side 4. Passive destructive - doesn’t pay much attention
Only active constructive found related to enhanced relationship quality and improved well-being. Both teller & receiver increased well-being.
More people shared with - more improved.
What is Love?
Who knows?
Friendship & Romantic Love - intertwined.
Romantic partners also best friends.
What are major differences between romantic love & friendship?
1. Emotional intensity & sexual attraction
love versus in-love separates relationships
Friendships less intense - sex
2. Clarity of rules- Argyle & Henderson
Friendship - reasonable, clear
Love? All fair in love & war
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Rules of Friendship Across Cultures
Argyle & Henderson 1. Being supportive
Volunteer help, emotional support, stand up in absence
2. Being trustworthy confidantKeep confidences, trust & confide, public criticism, privacy
3. Being source of enjoyment & humorMake happy, joke & tease, share successes
4. Being tolerant & acceptingNo jealousy, tolerant of other friends, advice
Rules for Romance?If you are following rules probably not in love -Exclusivity, spontaneity, whims of passionToo complex & volatile
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
3. Complexity of Feelings (friendship vs. romance)
Hard to define love - more complex
Love in music & movies - mystery of love in all its forms
love for money, love for power, fatal attraction, love conquering all, losing all for love, love & hate
Friendship?
Exclusivity, loyalty, faithfulness
4. ExpectationsLove & fulfillment - happiness versus practical matters
Friends make us happy - but not expected to
Burden of fulfillment expectation
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Varieties of Love
Most basic distinction:
Passionate or romantic love
Strong sexual attraction, infatuation, total absorption, exclusivity, volatile emotions from ecstasy to anguish
Strong at beginning
Companionate love
Slower developing, deep & abiding friendship, calmer, more serene…not hot fire of passion but warm glow of affection & appreciation, spouse becomes best friend & confidant
Develops in trenches of life
Triangular theory - Sternberg - intimacy, passion, & commitment
types of love based on strength/absence of each
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Cultural Context of Love, Marriage, & Divorce
90% of us eventually marry - potential source of happiness
But:
1.Since 1960s-70s - 50% divorce rate - marriages no longer last in Western societies
2. Fail at all points not just 7-year-itch
3. More choosing to be single
4. 50% of college students cohabit - “trial” marriages -divorce rate higher (90% separation by 5 years)
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Why Don’t Marriages Last?1. Increased freedom & decreased constraint
Financial independence of womenStigma of divorce - social normsFor the sake for the kidsDivorce laws - no-fault divorceCost of & barriers to divorce reduced
2. Love as Exclusive Basis for Marriage
Fewer practical reasons - why get married? Answer in lovesurveys:“If person had all the other qualities you desired would you marry
this person if you were not in love?”1967 - 35% of men & 75% of women said “yes”Today 86% of men & 91% of women say “no”
Increasing importance of love across cultures (Western influence?)10,000 people / 37 cultures (Buss)Love / mutual attraction at top of list for why get married
Romance & Divorce1. Increased emotion expectations - disappointment - wrong person
Marriage increasingly depends on the “sweetness of its content.”2. Passion & romance fade over time.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Fading Romance & Divorce: EvidenceSurveys -
Consistent decline in satisfaction, expressions of affection over 8 to 10 years of marriage (relative to where started)(Not effects of having kids)
Longitudinal Studies -Huston, et. al., PAIR Project (Process of Adaptation in Intimate
Relationships - 168 couples married in 1981Data for first 13 years
35% divorced20% unhappy with marriage45% considered themselves happily married
Those at greatest risk for divorce had steepest decline in satisfaction - early divorced had highest levels of beginning affection & romance - 33% more affection than those still married.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
3. Conflict & Satisfaction
Surveys - today versus past - more conflict and less satisfaction.
Unclear…hectic lives, more demands, two careers, finances
Or - too high expectations versus what marriage can deliver
Basic fact remains:
Married happier than non-married.
Very happy people have happy marriages.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
What People Bring to Relationship
Wrong people get marriedSome people better at relationships than others Build life together - differences emerge
Attachment TheoryBasic emotional & perhaps unconscious responses & ideas about
romance/intimacy shaped by relationship with parents.Meeting significant others family?Early Research (Bowlby & Ainsworth)
Strange Situation Test:Secure Attachment StyleAvoidant Attachment StyleAnxious Ambivalent Style
Longitudinal studies - secure more socially skilled - longer romances
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Adult Attachment Styles
Hazan & Shaver
Avoidant“I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often others want to me more intimate that I feel comfortable being.”
Secure“I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.”
Anxious-Ambivalent“ I find others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Revisions & Basic Dimensions in Attachment StylesAttachment continuous - i.e., degrees & overlapping typesTwo basic dimensions of anxiety & avoidance:
Anxiety = fear of abandonment, rejection, and lack of self- confidence
Avoidance = degree of trust & comfort in being intimate: mistrustful & suspicious or dismissive
Four StylesSecure - low on both - 60% of usPreoccupied Attachment - low on avoidance, high on anxiety - low self-
esteemFearful Avoidant - high avoidance & high anxiety - fear of rejection, low
self-opinion - others will let you down.Dismissing Avoidant - high avoidance, but low anxiety. Don’t need
relationships. (less enjoyment, commitment, & intimacy)
Secure attachment - better - but most a mix.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Power of Bad
Diary study - 66% of marital satisfaction related to presence/absence of conflict & negative behaviors.
Much less so to presence/absence of positive behaviors.
Gottman - “love lab” - behavioral observations in apartment
Negative communication
Negative reciprocity
Demand/withdraw: women demand - men withdraw
Four Horsemen of Apocalypse
1. Criticism - frequent
2. Defensiveness - personalize - rehearse/ruminate
3. Stonewalling - silent treatment
4. Contempt - scorn, anger, rejection - role eyes
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Critical Ratio
All marriages have conflict -
Most predictive:
1. Ratio of positive to negative behaviors
5 positive interactions to 1 negative was dividing line between successful & unsuccessful couples.
Lasting = 5 to 1 Divorced much lower
2. Degree of negative reciprocity -
tit for tat versus constructive response
Relationship enhancing versus Distress maintaining
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Contours of a Happy MarriageLauer study - Happy couples, 15 yrs or more - asked why their
marriage lasted:
Two general response categories (friendship & commitment)1. Friendship
Spouse is best friend, confide in, laugh together, share interests & hobbies, do fun things, stimulating conversations, agree on values/philosophy of life. Few (10%) thought sex kept marriage together. (Aron, Norman, et. al.)
2. CommitmentIn it for long haul, sacred, social stability, want to succeed, discuss problems calmly, positive approach to conflict.
Summary: Lasting marriages built on companionate not romantic love. Become spouse’s best friend - got it made.
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
One final ingredient
Humor- Humor high on list of desirable qualities in a potential mate
- 50-yr couples - laughing together why our marriage lasted
- Sex fades - laughter endures as continuing source of enjoyment - laugh all the way to grave
Humor and the “right” person. - Sharing sense of humor & “deeper” compatibility
- Humor unique - can’t be faked - less conscious control
- Honest pipeline to personality below the belt
- People differ in what they find funny -
Rappoport - racial & ethnic humor - brings tensions and forbidden topics out in open; detoxifies, reduces prejudice
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.
Humor and a Lasting Marriage
Humor cuts through impression formation, politeness, & all disingenuous communication.
Research
Opposites don’t attract - fundamental similarity more important
Married couples do share a sense of humor
Need laughter lab - real spontaneous interactions
Friendship, Commitment & Humor
Find you to be best buddy friend, like to be with, laughs at all the same things - on way to long-term committed relationship
Copyright © 2009 Pearson Education, Inc., Upper Saddle River, NJ 07458. All rights reserved.