The principle element that we all bring to our relationship is ourselves.

“To have a successful relationship, we must first accept and feel good about

ourselves.”

How and Where do we acquire a positive sense of self?

Our ways of relating to others may be rooted in childhood. The style of attachment we establish in infancy with our mother, father or other caregiver can effect how we express love in our adult lives.

People who are secure in their intimate relationships probably had a secure, trusting, mutually satisfying attachment to their mother, father or caregiver.

As adults, they find it relatively easy to get close to others.

They don’t worry about being abandoned or having someone get too close to them.

People who are clinging and dependent in their relationship may have had an anxious/ambivalent attachment, in which a parents inconsistent responses made them unsure that their needs would be met.

They tend to worry about whether their partner really loves them and will stay with them.

People who seem to run from relationships may have had an anxious/avoidant attachment, in which a parent’s inappropriate responses made them want to escape from his/her sphere of influence.

As adults, the are uncomfortable being close to others, distrustful and fear becoming dependent.

Can you think of any other early experiences that may effect one’s ability to form intimate relationships later

in life?

Take a minute and write down

the top five qualities you feel are

essential in a friend.

The first relationships we form outside of family.

• Companionship

• Respect

• Acceptance

• Trust

• Loyalty

• Mutuality

• Reciprocity

Intimate partnerships are like friendships in many ways, but they have additional characteristics such as:

Sexual Desire and Expression

Greater Demand for Exclusiveness

Deeper levels of caring

Take a minute and write down your

top five qualities that are essential in

a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Take a minute to look over both of the lists you made. Are the

qualities you look for in a friend different from those you look

for in a boyfriend or girlfriend? How so?

• Encompasses opposites

– Affection and Anger

– Excitement and Boredom

– Stability and Change

– Bonds and Freedom

It does not give us perfect happiness.

• Honesty and Openness

• Unequal or Premature Commitment

• Unrealistic Expectations

• Competitiveness

• Balancing Time Spent Together and Apart

• Jealousy

Crossing the Line: Healthy/Unhealthy Relationships

Sarah has been dating Ben for 6 months and they are excited to attend their first party together. Before they leave, Sarah shows Ben the new outfit she bought thinking he would compliment how hot she looks. Instead, Ben responds by telling Sarah that she looks like “hooker.” When Sarah gets upset, Ben explains by saying, “I am only looking out for you. Other guys are gonna get the wrong idea.” Sarah is deeply hurt. What should she do?

John and Desiree have been together for 2 years, but lately John has noticed Desiree’s lack of interest to hang out. When they do hang out, John notices that Desiree always has her phone on silent, and only checks her Myspace messages when he’s not around. One day, he looks though her phone and sees she has been having a flirty text conversation with another guy. What should John do?

Jess and Ben are juniors in high school, and have only been dating for a few weeks. Jess is convinced that Ben is the love of her life. One night when her parents aren’t home, she invites him over. After a few minutes of kissing that night, Jess tells Ben that she wants to have sex. Ben is not ready and tells Jess he has to go. Upset that night, Jess ends it with Ben, but the next day begs for him to get back with her. What should Ben do?

Mike and Lexi have been together for almost a year now. Although they spend much of their time together, when they do hang out with others, they are usually Mike’s friends. When Lexi asks Mike to hang out with her friends, Mike tells her that her friends aren’t fun, and he’d rather not go. Although he says it’s okay for her to go, Lexi decides not to. What should she do if this continues to happen?

Jack and Kate have been dating for a few months, but do not have “the title yet.” Jack wants to ask Kate to be his girlfriend, but is hesitant because every time they drink together, Kate yells at him for talking to other girls and has gone as far as to push him in front of his friends. Jack confronted Kate once about the behavior, but gave up after it did not change. Kate cries and apologizes every time, so Jack is up in the air as to what he should do.

Loving and taking care of yourself, before and while in a relationship.

Respecting individuality, embracing differences, and allowing each person to "be themselves."

Doing things with friends and family and having activities independent of each other.

You care for and focus on another person only and neglect yourself (vice versa)

You feel pressure to change to meet the other person's standards, you are afraid to disagree, and your ideas or criticized.

One of you has to justify what you do, where you go, and who you see.

Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion, and compromising equally.

Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs, and desires.

Trusting and being honest with yourself and each other.

One of you makes all the decisions and controls everything without listening to the other's input.

One of you feels unheard and is unable to communicate what you want.

You lie to each other and find yourself making excuses for the other person.

Respecting each other's need for privacy.

Sharing sexual histories and sexual health status with a partner.

Respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex.

You don't have any personal space and have to share everything with the other person.

Your partner keeps his/her sexual history a secret or hides a sexually transmitted infection from you

Your partner has forced you to have sex or you have had sex when you don't really want to

Resolving conflicts in a rational peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way.

There is room for positive growth and you learn more about each other as you develop and mature.

One or both of you yells and hits, shoves or throws things at the other in an argument.

You feel stifled, trapped, and stagnant. You are unable to escape the pressures of the relationship.

Can be the easiest of all four types of abuse to spot because the clues can be obvious when someone hits, slaps, beats, burns, kicks, or stabs you.

However, there may not be evidence when someone grabs your arm, shakes you, or pushes you around (it’s not playing!)

Any form of touching, intercourse, or exploitation of your body that is unwanted.

Taking pictures for sexual purposes against one’s will

Making unwanted sexual references to your body.

Coming forward Why is it hard to tell?

• Some young people feel that if they disclose (tell someone about what happened) they will be harshly judged by those around them. Sometimes they feel like they are to blame in some way. Often the abuser will say things like, "He/she was asking for it by wearing clothes like that, or behaving like that", or "She/he made me think it was OK".

• This type of abuse is the hardest to spot because the injuries aren't physical or immediately visible. Emotional abuse can be mistaken for passionate or intense love.

• Using economic power to control you

• Threatening to leave

• Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions

• Smashing things

• Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming

• Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously

• Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you

• Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public

• Humiliating you in private or public

• Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment

Dating Violence Hotlines and Resources

           

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TYY) for local resources and confidential counseling. For emergencies, please contact your local police at 911. 

           

The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network operates a 24 hour national hotline for survivors of sexual assault. Call for support and counseling at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).

           

My Sister's Place is a shelter for battered women and their children in Washington, DC. My Sister's Place produced most of the dating violence materials on this site, and also offers a 24 hour crisis hotline at 202-529-5991.

Brought to you by My Sister's Place

Hotline: 202-529-5991 | Admin. Office: 202-529-5261

To find the name and number of your local domestic violence shelter, call 1-800-799-SAFE.