The Wisdom of Love

Relationship Wisdom by Elman Spiritus Beloveds soulmanThe people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefsso relationship is one of the most powerful tools for growth if we look honestly at our relationships we can see so much about how we have created them Shakti GawainAll of us are on a spiritual path we often find close relationships most challenging something we were not necessarily prepared for when we began our journey towards love-enlightenment.

But whatever happens when relationships move through challenges, breaking down, breaking up or breaking through -this movement offers life's most intense opportunities for growth-healing.

Many of us harbour the notion that loving, supportive relationships are almost automatically an integral aspect of spiritual enlightenment.

The more spiritual" we are, the "nicer" we are supposed to be, but it is easy to confuse spirituality with niceness -not that these are mutually exclusive of course.

Close relationships can come to grief over expectations about what is nice or spiritual. Being "spiritual" carn imply that we can and do know what constitutes the "right "way to act with Love,

and that this should be clear to others too, loving acceptance is what is required but "expectations" are the constant challenge of relationships.

Things get even more complicated when allowing another to live their truth would mean not honouring our own.

Relating to others is based not only on what we expect from them, but also on what we expect and sometimes fear that we can't get .from within self.

Relationships hold up a very clear mirror to reflect our deepest expectations, some of which we are barely conscious, back to self.

This is a joyful experience when it reflects our Love and honour of self, and painful when it presses the; buttons of our fear.

When we commit ourselves to a process of seeking to live with Love and integrity, we often ask for change to clear away our deepest fears and doubts, but we can become frightened when old patterns start moving out of the dark comers (as they must do in order to clear).

It takes courage to start this journey but it takes even more to continue it when the changes you've asked for actually start to happen.

Living in Love now, requires a person to have the strength of compassion for self, before this can be shared with another.

We have moved beyond dated dreams of finding someone else to fill in for the gaps in our self acceptance, the pressures that spirituality places on relationships are not the external ones of meeting another's expectations,

but the relentless internal drive to Love and accept self so that we may truly share the integrity and unlimitedness of this Love with others.

This is what makes the rigour of changing old relationship patterns ultimately worthwhile.What happens in couple relationships is typically an intense version of patterns that exist in other relationships we have with family, friends, just minus the sexual component.

Sexuality magnifies existing patterns, so it is useful to focus on what happens between couples to understand general relationship patterns. This also has broad implications for other relationships.

Some relationships break down, and some break up, while others endure. But the possibility of breakthrough exists whether relationships endure or not.

We have traditionally tended to think only of relationships that endure as being successful.

But such judgements dont adequately cover all the subtleties; for example, some of us stay in broken down relationships because we are fearful of being alone;

others recognise when a relationship is not honouring either party , and we are able to negotiate parting with mutual respect. ( a break up ).

As spiritual awareness evolves, we lose the motivation to play at meeting social expectations, and instead require to truly be in relationships.

Such a goal tests the flexibility of the relationship to respectfully accommodate diversity.

It is an individuals perception and sense of self value which creates the essential difference between breaking down and breaking up.

Breakdown is characterised by an overwhelming sense of loss, devastation or anger when partners separate.

In a break up , on the other hand , while there is sadness, regret or anger, there is also a sense of release and honouring self. Partners will view separation through their own personal perceptual lens.

Regardless of the nature of the parting however all parties involved in a separation need to grieve the loss, the initiator as well as the one left.

We may live in a broken down relationship for a long time, as neediness or fear over shadows and limits our choice...when we decide to stay in a dependent relationship, the decision is based more on fear of loss, or change, than on love.

This does not honour either partner, the legacy of remaining in such a relationship can be chronic and generalised feelings of depression, anxiety, fatigue or loss of focus.

When we separate from such relationships, this can trigger a great deal of anger ( which manifests from fear )... if separated partners keep hold of their fear, then they prevent the possibility of the breakthrough of growth in self acceptance.

While our pure emotion of fear serves the essential purpose of alerting and protecting us from harm, when it goes into overdrive, it becomes a tyrant that blocks any meaningful interaction.As tyrannical fear feeds on being avoided, breakthrough requires fear to be confronted and balanced so that it can serve its appropriate purpose in life, not take it over.

The greatest growth is possible when relationships breakthrough, when we can live together, or apart, with respect for each other. This doesnt mean that people always agree, or that things are always easy and nice.

We all grew up within family relationships, which profoundly affects what we expect and are comfortable with, when expectations clash, it requires a high level of mutual respect to decide on an acceptable outcome.

There will inevitably be times when we, particularly those who have made a conscious commitment to self development, feel too strongly about a situation to allow another perspective, there are also times when temporary stress, tiredness, or irritation must be accommodated.

When relationships break through , there is tolerance of diversity, there must also be a right to protection in the face of potential threat, the safeguard of mutual respect is that it only works if it is based on fundamental equality, it cannot operate when an agreement would bring harm to, or oppress another person.

In breakthrough the focus changes from what is perceived as right or nice to a primary focus on acknowledgment and honouring of self and others.

Love is about individuality, and equally about community, take the example from biology, the individual is like a single cell that exists as part of a larger organism, the cell is whole and complete within itself, but it also exists within a larger context with which it must inevitably interact, interaction occurs at the cells wall, (boundary), this boundary is what defines the cell sense of self and it must operate with integrity.

The boundary has three important functions in particular it must open up enough to allow the cell to draw in nourishment from its environment, it must protect the cell from what might harm it, and it must allow the cell to pass out the waste that no longer contributes to its growth and development.

Without each of these functions operating in a balanced way, the cell cannot survive, whats more when too many individual cells die, the greater organism is also threatened.

So it is with relationships, we require a strong sense of self, so that we can function most successfully in relationships, if we dont allow in the nurturing, then we will ultimately wither and die, if we hold on to something that can no longer contribute to our life and growth, the toxicity will kill us.

If our sense of self is too weak, then anything harmful that comes along will wipe us out; equally , if fear goes into overdrive and our need for protection becomes too great , then our boundary will not be permeable enough to allow in the nurturing, nor to allow what is no longer needed to pass out, the fundamental characteristics of ongoing life are movement, flow and exchange.

When we engage in loving relationships we do so for ourselves and for our greater community, Love makes the world go round.

Although the spiritual journey is a solitary one, it is never taken alone, even monks on misty mountains live in social systems that support and allow their life path.

We humans are social beings who yearn to be acknowledged , accepted desired and cherished.

Our relationships may endure or serve their time and pass away, but it is important to incorporate the wisdom of these experiences into a greater awareness of how we can live with honour for self and others.how we relate to othersat the physical level

our longing for wholeness

the return to oneness

manifests as male-female attraction

mans need for a woman

woman's need for a man

it is an irresistible urge

for union with the opposite polarity

the root of the physical urge is spiritual

the longing for an end to duality

a return to the state of wholeness

sexual union is the closest one can get

to this state at the physical level

however sexual union is no more than

a fleeting glimpse of wholeness

an instant of bliss

real union comes within not without

a special relationship comes alongit seems one is no longer a disconnected fragment in an uncaring universe

ones world now has a centre, ones beloved but being outside self one still has the underlying feeling of incompletenessfear lack unfulfillmentcharacteristic of the negative force's bond of ego

if in ones relationship one experiences both "love" and "attack" ie emotional violenceone is confusing ego attachmentand addictive clinging with Love

One cannot Love ones partner one moment and attack them the next

true Love has no oppositeif ones "love" has an opposite then it is not Love but a strong ego need for a more complete and deeper sense of self which need the other person temporarily meets

As with any addiction one is on a "high" when the drug is availablebut invariably the drug will no longer workwhen ones pain reappears one perceives ones partner as the cause of the feelings and one attacksthis may awaken the partners pain they may counter attack

Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through ones own pain if one uses ones partner to cover up ones pain after the initial euphoria has passedthere is so much unhappiness-pain Relationships do not cause pain and unhappinessthey bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in oneself

Love is not judging self nor judging ones partner

Love is completely accepting ones partner as is

no judgement

no changing them in any way

Love is a state of being

it is within

it is not without

Love can never be lost

it cannot leave you

it is not dependent on others

Love is not selective

it does not make one person special

it is not exclusive

exclusivity is not the Divine Love of God

but the "love'" of ego

unconditional Love is the Love of God

Loves intensity can vary one person may reflect ones Love back more intensely than othersif that person feels the same there is a Love relationship together the bond is the same as with any persontree or flower only the degree of intensity differs

Love is the realisation of oneness of all with Beloved God

true communication is communion with Love

An unresponsive partner living almost entirely in ones head challenges the spouse by inability to hear give the partner attention and space to be

This absence of Love will trigger the partners "pain body"through it one will attack the other blame, criticise, make wrongs

Now emerges the challengeone becomes more deeply entrenched in ones mental positions defending, justifying, counter attacking thus activating ones "pain body"

Both people are now taken over by "deep unconsciousness" emotional violence, savage attackcounter attack ensues.

It subsides only when both "pain bodies" replenish themselves from the negative energy and become dormant...until the next time!

CouplesSet purposes for things to be done togetherI do not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine Swami Sri Yukteswar

A loving person lives in a loving world, a hostile person lives in a hostile world everyone you meet is your mirror Ken Keyes

For one's relationship to have a new beginningeverything must be sublimated to Lovea new plant can only flourish if the seed is healthy one must forgive and forget everything and start afresh remember how one felt when one first met. Love is blind because pure Love has no qualifications or demands.

If one is talking in the spirit of Love and the other person is talking about one's perceived "short comings", obviously it won't work as it is not being done sincerely and in the right spirit pure Love is unconditional Love.

Beloved Supreme Spirit doesnt advocate martyrdom in marriagefrom a higher perspective marriage is simply so that spousesin a loving environment can work out their past life issues learn lessons in an ordered manner as a structure for souls to reincarnate as children .

True Love doesnt always give what one would like to receivebut it will always give what is best for it

What we take into a relationship is going to qualify what will happen in itJoy or baggage will make a difference in what we receiveIf we go in clear from the past a new relationship will be stronger as there are no old fears to taint it.

If we are already in a relationship and we are carrying old baggage, allow time and space to clear it. Patience is a true gift for those who are willing to live alone and come back to each other later

No one can make me happy, sad or angry unless I let them.

Its my life and I choose how I respondI dont react if I respond I take time outbalance self choose whatever response I care to take.

By responding I am much less likely to come from egoas verbal diarrhoea once released will do much damagewhen we speak we create a life force and energywe are responsible for everything we release

All energy is pure unconditional Love until it is otherwise qualified be aware of how I qualify it.

Point scoringbeing in competition with the person I love is unhealthyit is not Love to control stop point scoring as it creates a victim mentality

Low self worth esteem allows control by otherserodes relationships.

Stop pleasing others allows me to please, and be, myself

When each person does for themselves they both walk in truth.

The best relationship is one in which our love for each other exceeds our need for each other.

Within relationships HONESTY is vitally important it will open the way for others to do the samewe may not always like what we hearbut if its truth

we can address itdont pussy foot around trying not to hurt each other!COMMUNICATION HELPS !

The most effective way to achieve right relations with any living thing is to look for the best in it, and then help that best into the fullest expression J Allen Boone