Regrets of the Heart Excerpt

7/30/2019 Regrets of the Heart Excerpt

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Chapter 1

The car drives away with a chorus of cheers

and well wishes being sung as the bride dangles

out of the window, wildly waving goodbye. Iknow it isn't forever. But the empty house waiting

for my return makes it feel as though it is.

Mom, are you ready to go or do you want

to stay and help clean up? Blake asks from

behind me as he pulls his jacket off.

I quickly take a deep breath to push away

the forlorn shudders before they force the tears to

come that I desperately tried to keep in check.

The crowd mills around chatting and laughing as

if this is the most joyful day in the world. It

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should be. My daughter's dreams just came true.

She married the man that stole her heart away

years ago. I never dreamed the relationship would

have survived through high school, let alone four

years of college. But if anything, Austin proved

to be dedicated to Jocelyn. He's a good boy. He

has a good head on his shoulders and as I have

been reminded on almost a daily basis for the

past several years, a very handsome head.

Jocelyn was swept away by him when she was

only fifteen years old and I don't think she has

ever found her own feet since. But she's happy.

Mom, are you alright? Blake asks again.

I'm fine. I said as I turned to give him a

reassuring smile.

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Blake is three years older than Jocelyn. He

married the love of his life two years ago. Carrie

is a sweet petite, very quiet, little thing that I

don't quite understand, but that could have a lot

to do with the fact that I never really had the

chance to get to know her. They met in college

and as soon as they graduated they married and

moved away to California where they both had

jobs waiting for them that had something to do

with computer programming. It isn't exactly easy

driving from Indiana to California for a quick

visit.

Austin and Jocelyn on the other hand aremoving to Florida. They're on their way now to

spend their honeymoon traipsing around getting

familiar with their new home for two weeks and

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then Austin will begin his new job as an engineer

for some company that makes nautical

equipment. Jocelyn has yet to find a job but

they're not concerned about it. She's even talked

about having children and staying home with

them rather than working.

Both of my children turned out far better

than I ever dreamed. At least that's what I keep

telling myself over and over again when all it

feels like their doing is flying away from me to

far off lands. I've had to say far too many good

byes in the past few years. I expected the children

to leave eventually. That's what children do.Marty and I worked hard so when this time came

they had everything they needed to begin a new

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life on their own. But I never dreamed I would be

saying these goodbye's without him.

Come on Mom, are you hungry. I'm

starving. You would think they would at least

have had a short reception after putting us

through this crap. he grumbled as he loosenedhis bow tie.

Well, they needed to get moving as quickly

as they could to get settled before Austin started

work. They don't even have a house to live in

yet. I said as we headed back into the church.

Oh, I'm sure his father has some kind of

surprise waiting for them when they get there.

That man is loaded. he said quietly so no one

could overhear.

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How long are you and Carrie staying? You

just got here this morning and I haven't had more

than five minutes to talk to you.

We're heading back tomorrow. I have a

deadline looming over my head that I have to get

finished before they end up firing me.

You're not having any problems at work are

you?

Not as long as I keep pumping out those

codes. Everything is actually going really well

and if I get this project taken care of then they're

talking about possibly giving me a promotion to

project manager. That's why I want to make sure

everything is finished and tested before I turn it

over.

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That's great.

Yeah, it means more money but of course it

places a lot more responsibility on my shoulders,

but I'm ready for it. I'd like to start my own

company one of these days. There are a million

different areas out there just waiting for somekind of computer program to come in to simplify

things. If I can keep this up for five more years

then Carrie and I both may be able to take on that

new adventure.

You have more courage than I do.

Yeah right. Who do you think I got this

enterprising gene from? You're the one that

started your own business from a tool shed, and

now look at you.

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It wasn't just me, honey. Your father had

more to do with that than I did.

Remember all that faith you kept telling us

we needed to have in ourselves. You never did

find your own, maybe now it's time you did. We

all miss Dad, but even he said you were thebrains of the operation. He just had that unique

ability to talk people into anything. While he was

out there chatting it up, you were home working

your fingers to the bone, making sure he had

something to sell. You still have your customer

base. If you don't want to keep making business

websites, then do something else. Advertising canbe a very lucrative business and you have the

skills to make a good go at it. But there are a

million other things you can do as well.

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I know. I thought about going back to

work. The past five years have been a whirlwind.

First with your father's illness and then you two

graduating college and getting married. I guess

now that it's all over with I'm going to have to

find something to do.

I'm not trying to be nosy, I just want to

make sure you're alright, but, how are you doing

on money?

Oh, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about

that.

Why don't you sell the house? It's a lot of

responsibility to take care of. I know you've

managed it all our lives but you don't need to

have all that unnecessary work to do if it's just

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you living there. I don't want to impose but I

don't like you living out there in the middle of

nowhere all alone.

Well maybe you and Carrie can move back

and I'll give it to you. I said jokingly.

Mom, don't keep it for us. You can sell that

place for a good chunk of money, buy something

smaller and have all the rest of the money to do

whatever you want with.

I know. I guess I have a lot of things to

think about. But let's not worry about that now. I

only have a few hours to spend with you and I

want to enjoy what little I do have. I said as I

turned to look around the sanctuary.

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Jocelyn made sure she had a whole crew

working to clean up the church after the wedding

and as we walked around it seemed like

everything was already being taken care of. Blake

took off to find Carrie so I sat down in one of the

pews in the middle section and simply stared up

at the baptismal. So much has happened in this

little country church. It seems like my whole life

could be found it its record books. I grew up here.

I was saved, baptized, married; my children were

saved and baptized here. My parents were the

same and their lives ended here with a memorial

service after their car accident. Before Marty's

death I looked to this church as a support to get

me through the highs and lows in life, but now,

it's difficult even walking through the doors. It

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seems like every time I do step foot in the door

it's to say good bye to someone. Even the church

itself is changing. The old guard that made this

church a strong beacon of light are moving on to

their everlasting homes and leaving us with a

smaller congregation of semi-dedicated

parishioners that want to be given forgiveness for

their weekly sins each Sunday, and move on to do

them all over again.

Oh, what am I complaining about? I'm no

better. I never could reach the level of integrity

and morals in which those old standards held as

they walked in every Sunday with their headsheld high, looking over the congregation, just

waiting to single a sinner out and help them learn

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the errors of their ways. It was those very eagle

eyes I spent most of my life avoiding.

Even now, as I'm about to turn fifty, I can

still hear my mother warning me, every Sunday

before we walked in, to sit still and be quiet and

don't interrupt adults when their speaking. Butmost of all, do not fall asleep or fidget with the

hymnals when the pastor is preaching. Then the

parade down the pews would begin where I

always felt as if every eye was watching and

judging me according to my behavior and how

clean my dress was. Even as an adult I felt that

way. But I have to admit, walking in here aloneon Sunday mornings is frightening because of

those old lingering feelings. Marty was the one

that gave me the confidence to walk with my

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head held high because marrying him was one of

the best things I did in my life. But now that he's

gone and my family is all gone, I feel like my

legs have been cut out from under me.

I haven't been going to church as often as I

should. I'm reminded of it every time I run intosomeone from our church in town. Even the

pastor has given the job of updating the church's

website to someone else. He was kind about it

and didn't want to make it appear that my lack of

attendance was the cause, but I know better.

Right now I'm the wounded sheep that is on the

verge of walking out of bounds and everyone istrying to love me back in, but most of the time, it

feels more like judgment then love and I've found

myself avoiding it as much as possible.

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But there are so many other memories that

plague me even more so now that I have so much

time to reminisce over the past. It always seems

to be those old feelings that never go away no

matter how many years have passed. What little

time I did get to have with Marty and the

amazing life we shared never seemed to make

those feelings go away. He loved me to no end,

and I knew it every day of my life with him. I

loved him too. I never questioned that. But I've

never been able to extinguish an old fire that if

given only the slightest thought to, would flare up

feeling like a burning inferno inside of me. It has

felt like a demon has taken root inside of me, and

instead of dying away, it continues growing,

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plaguing me with all the memories I wish I could

scrape away from my brain forever.

I used to console myself with the thoughts

that everyone has a lost love in their past that

they feel this way towards. I'm not unique and I

shouldn't feel guilty, or even that I've donesomething wrong. But it's only words that could

never quench the desire for forgiveness. It isn't as

if I hadn't had hundreds of other relationships

throughout my life that have ended sourly. But

they don't plague me. In fact I most often feel like

a better person for ending them. I do tend to be a

little too judgmental towards others and have ahorrible disposition when it comes to offering my

own forgiveness. It's not that I necessarily hold

grudges; I just don't associate myself with people

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that have wronged me in one instance or another.

I don't need people like that. I'm far from perfect

and obviously have my own long list of mistakes

but I'm not a glutton for punishment either. At

least, I don't think I am. I try not to be, but these

memories seem to be just that, and no matter how

desperately I try to push them away to the land of

forgetfulness, they refuse.

Then you have poor Marty. I don't think he

ever knew. If he did he never spoke of them. He

was far better of a man than I ever could have

deserved. Perhaps it was because he wasn't a

native of our fair town of Fairmount. He wasn'tfilled with the predetermined opinion of me like

so many of the others in our community. Not that

I necessarily had a bad reputation, I was never a

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person of any particular interest to much of

anyone. Not even my family thought I would

make my life anything worthwhile. Marty

changed all of that for me. He swept into town

after taking the position of the new third grade

teacher in the elementary school and was an

instant hit with everyone. He was such a happy

person, it was contagious to anyone he was near.

Even the children adored him. He was so

completely opposite of me I never dreamed of

even catching his eye. I wasn't trying when it did

happen. But I was so conflicted at the time I

didn't even notice that God had sent me a saving

grace.

I was only eighteen at the time, fresh out of

high school, and lost to my future. I grew up in a

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family that survived. We had everything we

needed but little for anything else. Both my

parents worked long, hard hours. I have a brother

that is four years my elder, but there was never a

particular close relationship that ever developed

between us. In fact, today was the first time I

have seen him since Blake's wedding. We're

congenial to each other and always promise to

make an effort to see each other more often, but

we never seem to keep those promises. He lives

in Columbus, in Southern Indiana, and has a full

life with three children of his own, and eight

grandchildren that adore him. He's always had a

beautiful family, and his wife, Lizzy, is a sweet

kindhearted person. For all intent and purposes,

they feel more like acquaintances than family. I

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think it has a lot to do with the fact that we both

grew up with the importance of being self-

resilient, and not depend on others to carry our

weight, being pounded into our heads. But it

created a void when it comes to maintaining

personal relationships. I think it has inadvertently

carried on to my children as well, hence their

need to conquer the great frontier of our modern

day world. I've tried to instill in them the

importance of maintaining a strong sibling

relationship, but without having my own example

to prove that fact, I'm afraid it was more words to

them than necessity. Their relationship is far too

similar to that of mine and Jared's.

Well I can only hope the good far outweighs

the bad, just as I can only hope that Marty's life

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was as happy as the life he gave me. So many

hopes, and so many regrets. Life simply passes

by far too quickly, and yet, mine seems to be at a

standstill now.

Come on Mom, Jared was able to reserve

the party room at Ryan's for us. Let's go getsomething to eat. They're just about done here.

I took his hand and stood up just in time for

the lights to shut off in the sanctuary. I'm not

exactly sure why but it stirred a little bit of fear

inside of me. It was almost as if someone was

closing the curtain on the first act of my life and

forcing me to move on to the next act of the

show. But I was allowed a short intermission that

was far more than I expected.

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While we were eating a new plan was

formed that held a bittersweet blessing. When

Jared discovered that Blake and Carrie were

flying home the next day he and his wife decided

to stay the night rather than head home that

evening. So instead of having me drive them to

the airport, Jared would simply drop them off on

his way home. I was excited to have them all stay

the night, but at the same time, it meant I was

going to lose a few more precious hours with my

son. Driving in a car with him was the best time

to converse because there was nothing else

around to distract him. While growing up his

teachers were bound and determined to convince

me that he had Attention Deficit Disorder

because he always appeared to be distracted by

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something other than what the current topic of

discussion was. But I knew better. He's one of

those kids that has such a brilliant mind that he's

easily bored and is constantly looking for

something to occupy it. All I had to do was make

them look at his grades to prove that he was

simply not being challenged enough. They

eventually created a program for gifted

children and I never heard a complaint about him

again. He and I used to spend hours talking about

computers and learning new design programs

until his comprehension exceeded mine, and he

became my teacher, until I could no longer follow

what he was attempting to teach me.

Oh, how I miss those days. Blake took after

me in so many ways, we always had that certain

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understanding of each other, where Jocelyn was

the opposite. She took after her father and loved

to be around people. She has a very strong and

intelligent mind as well, but she is one that enjoys

discussing just about anything anyone has to talk

about, simply for the sake of conversation. I don't

know if she ever had a sour relationship in her

life with anyone. If she did then she simply let is

slide off her back and moved on without a second

thought of it. Just like her father. Having her

around the past few months has almost been as if

Marty never left us. Saying good bye to her is

almost as if I'm saying my final good bye to

Marty. But I won't think about that now. The time

will come when I'll be surrounded by silence and

I'll have no other choice but to confront the pain

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and loss. But now my home will be filled for one

more night. I'm going to try to make the best of it

and enjoy it as much as I can. I wish I could

bottle up some of the laughter that is spreading

around the table as they all eat and talk about

what's going on in their lives.

Oh I almost forgot to tell you who came in

and applied for the supervisor position at work,

Jenna. When I first saw the application I thought

it was just a coincidence, but when he came in for

an interview, it was like seeing a ghost from our

past.. Jared said with his rotten grin that made me

want to cringe without him even saying a word.

Who was it? I asked hesitantly.

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You're not going to believe it. I swear the

man has barely aged, in what has it been, around

thirty years now?

Who, Jared?

Brad Harris, of all people, I swear, I was

speechless. He walked into my office, and all I

could do was stare at him in amazement. We

talked for over a half hour before we even got to

the actual interview.

It was if someone punched me right in the

chest. My heart stopped. Of all people why did it

have to be Brad?

Who's Brad Harris? Blake asked.

That's one of your mom's old boyfriends.

They were pretty serious for a while, until your

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mom dumped him. A few months later she met

your father. I always liked Brad. We went fishing

together a few times when I came home for the

summers. I never did understand what happened.

I figured they were going to get married the way

they both talked about each other when they

weren't together. But I guess it wasn't meant to

be. But he seems to be doing really well for

himself. He's got a couple of kids. One is married

and the other just enlisted into the army.

Really, that's interesting. I've never heard

Mom talk about any of her old boyfriends.

Blake said with a devious tone.

Why would I talk to you about my old

boyfriend? Do you talk about girls you dated

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before you met Carrie? I asked a little more

pertly than I intended.

Calm down I was just making an

observation. It's interesting to hear about when

your parents were kids. You never talk about your

past. Dad used to talk about when he was a kid allthe time, but you never do. I'd love to know what

you were like.

I didn't have the life your father led. I didn't

even have many friends. There isn't anything

worthwhile to talk about.

How many boyfriends did mom have in

high school? Blake asked Jared, choosing to

ignore me.

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I don't really know. I started college her

freshman year so I wasn't really around to know

much of what she did. Brad was the only one I

ever met, other than your father.

Oh, now that's no fun. There isn't anyone

around to give us any dirt on what she was reallylike. It's not fair.

Well, maybe you can stay at my house the

next time you fly in, and if we hire him, I can

invite him over so you can get all the dirt you

want.

Did he ask about Mom, or talk about her?

Not really. I didn't broach the subject. That

can be a touchy subject sometimes and I didn't

want to make the interview uncomfortable.

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So did he know it was going to be you that

would be giving him the interview, or was a it a

surprise to him as well?

He seemed pretty studied up on our

company, so I'm sure he knew it was me. The

company website has all of the management andadministrative personnel's pictures posted next to

our contact info.

Thankfully the waitress came to clear the

dirty plates and the subject was dropped. We left

for my house soon after, and the conversation

transitioned to some new hunting spot that Jared

had discovered and he wanted Blake to come in

the fall to hunt with him. Then moved forward to

us all celebrating Thanksgiving at Jared's house

this year and by the time we reached my house

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they were already looking on their cell phones for

airline tickets.

I didn't join in with the conversation. That

fear that began to twinge in the church was

starting to settle in like a lump lodging itself

permanently in my throat. I desperately wanted toknow what Jared and Brad talked about but I was

afraid to ask because I didn't want the topic to be

open for public discussion again. There was so

much that Brad didn't know about. There was so

much that no one but Brad new about, and I

wanted more than anything to keep it that way.

I've managed to move forward in my life, andeven though I've never been able to shake it off

completely, I've managed to live beyond it. I

knew Brad still hated me. We never had a chance

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to even see each other after everything fell apart.

What he does know is only a very small part, and

if it was even hinted at, my life would fall to

pieces. I don't even know if my children would

want anything to do with me if they were to ever

learn about the secrets I have locked up ever

since.

As we walked up to my front door I started

fumbling through my purse to find my keys. It

seemed like no matter what I did, my hands

simply would not function properly. Everything I

touched seemed to jump out of my purse until I

was so frustrated, tears were filling my eyes.

Mom, are you alright? Blake asked as he

started helping me pick up everything.

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I'm fine, I'm just tired from all the

excitement today, I guess.

Here, just put everything back in your

purse, I'll unlock the door. I still have a key. That

is, unless you've changed locks trying to keep me

out of the house.

No dear, I'd leave the door wide open if

you would only come back.. I said as I managed a

smile.

Blake unlocked the door and held it open for

me. The old familiar smell enveloped me and hit

me, like it so often does these days, like a warm

breeze from the past. There are times when I find

myself expecting Marty to come walking out of

the kitchen with some left overs he found in the

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fridge, with that silly grin on his face. I could feel

myself growing weaker by the second. These

were the times when I needed Marty the most. He

was like my crowbar that would force away any

rock that held me down. If he couldn't move the

rock then he would blast away the hard places

with his booming laughter until the rock rolled

away. I don't know if anything every bothered

him. That is until the day we found out he had

prostate cancer. He tried to keep his spirits up for

me. I think that was his biggest battle.

Oh, I have to stop thinking about these

things. I have family here now, and I need notwaste my time with sorrows when I get to have a

house full of laughter, for a little while. I walked

into the kitchen, quietly thanking God for giving

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me the foresight to go grocery shopping the

previous day so I could have enough drinks for

everyone. The others went into the living room to

sit down and enjoy the air conditioning. The poor

old central air unit sounded like it was pumping

it's lungs out trying to keep up with the heat of

this sweltering June day. I grabbed the pitcher of

Iced Tea and some glasses to take into the living

room for everyone.

You didn't have to do that. We could have

gone to the kitchen to get our own drinks. Sit

down and relax. Blake said as he took the tray

from me.

Jenna, you have those old photo albums of

Mom's, don't you?

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Yes, they're in that cabinet behind you.

I was just telling Blake about that bear hunt

I went on with Uncle Peter and he said he never

met him before. I wanted to see if I could find

that picture of us with the bear. he said as he got

up and walked over to the cabinet.

To be honest, Jared, I only remember

seeing the man once in my life. I guess he was

around a lot when we were little, but I don't

remember it.

He moved to Alaska when I was around

seven, I think, so you were probably too young.

He used to take me fishing all the time. I think

that's where I got the bug from. I made Dad's life

a living hell the next few years, begging him to

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take me. Finally, he just started planning the trips

just to keep me quiet.

That, and so he could take a nap in the

shade of a tree in the peace and quiet. I said

jokingly.

He never really was the outdoorsy type. I

guess he didn't really have a lot of time for those

things. We drove by the old place on our way to

the church. It looks so strange now that they have

flowers in the yard. All I could think was how

quick Dad would have mowed those down. It

took less than a half hour to mow that little plot

of yard, but by golly, if there was just one little

thing that he had to mow around, it was gone in a

flash.

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I begged and begged Dad to let me have a

little flower bed. He let me as long as I kept the

grass mowed and the yard cleaned up. When I

moved out, he mowed over every flower in that

bed. I had mulch in it, but he didn't care. He

mowed over it too.

He was a little peeved at you for moving

out and not going to school. he said as he stood

up and glanced over the top of the album towards

me with that curious look he gets when he's being

nosy.

Why didn't you go to school? Blake

asked.

I didn't want to at the time. I had other

plans.

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Dad swore up and down it was Brad's fault.

You two broke up around that time, and he swore

you were sticking around, hoping to mend things

with him. Then he up and disappears. Did you

know he went into the Air Force? He was a pilot.

He just retired a few months ago. I have to admit,

that impressed me. They don't just let anyone fly

those jets. They have to have a good solid head

on their shoulders. I went to school with his older

brother, and I hate say it, but he was a loser. I

wasn't too enthused hearing Jenna was dating his

little brother at first. But I guess you can't always

judge people by the family they come from.

I thought you guys were talking about

hunting. I said frustratingly.

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Sorry, I forgot you didn't want to talk about

him. Anyway, here's the picture. Man, I forgot

about all the pictures in these albums. They sure

do take you back. he said as he sat down next to

Blake.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes,trying to force all the old feelings away before

they started choking me. When I raised my head

back up I noticed Lizzy eying me suspiciously. I

simply pretended not to notice. I'm sure this

subject had given her and Jared plenty to talk

about through the years. I should have made up a

lie to stop all the suspicion. It wasn't as ifbreaking up with a boyfriend was completely

unheard of. I could have simply said he was

moving away, and we decided to end the

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relationship. But, I was always a terrible liar, and

frankly, at that time, the mere hint of his name

was like someone stabbing a dagger into my

heart. Apparently, it hasn't lightened its effect on

me through the years.

They moved on to looking through the restof the pictures and Jared began his story telling

down memory lane. I knew if I continued to be

too quiet then everyone was going to continue

growing more and more suspicious, then I would

end up having to have this discussion all over

again, so I started adding in my portions of the

memories in hopes it would carry us well into thenight, and then bedtime, and possibly fill their

heads with too many other subjects for them to

place any focus on the forbidden one. One thing I

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was certain of, Brad obviously did not tell Jared

anything, otherwise, he would have not even

bothered coming to the wedding. That, or he

would berate and interrogate me this very minute,

demanding to know why I would disgrace the

family in such a way. He was always one that

was more conscious of his reputation and making

sure I did nothing to tarnish it.

As I had hoped, Jared's stories lasted long

into the night until Lizzy decided she'd had

enough and was ready for bed. Carrie and I

followed her upstairs to make sure the rooms had

everything they needed for the night. Just as Iwas about to shut my bedroom door, I heard

Blake and Jared laughing hysterically. I stood

there for a moment simply soaking in the sound,

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when Lizzy opened her door and peeked out at

me.

Jenna, I was hoping you and I would have a

chance to talk alone. Do you mind, or are you too

tired? she whispered across the hall.

I smiled and motioned for her to come to my

room. After she walked through the door, I shut it

behind her. She sat down on the end of the bed

and patted the spot next to her for me to sit.

I know this isn't a conversation you want to

have. You've made it quite clear, but there is

something I've wanted to ask you for years now. I

always wanted to ask you in private, but have

never had a chance because the few times we do

get together seem to be only at funerals or special

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occasions where everything is too hectic. Jared

mockingly calls these your family reunions. I

have always thought it was sad, but I know your

family is very different than mine. Granted, I

can't claim to know you as well as I would like,

but I can't forget the very first time I met you. I

can't shake that there was something terribly

wrong that day, and I tried to cast it away because

no one else seemed to notice, and maybe I'm

wrong, but am I? Everyone has things that they

would rather not discuss in their life, and they

have the right to keep it that way. I don't want to

pressure you. But even now, when that man's

name is mentioned, I see a pain in our eyes that

reminds me of that very first meeting of ours.

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I suddenly felt as if was going to get sick.

My saving grace has always been the lack of my

family's focus on these kinds of things with me.

This subject hasn't even been broached since

before I met Marty. Now it's like everything is

being resurrected, and I have no idea how to deal

with it. I shouldn't be. It was something that

happened so long ago, and there is a span of

thirty years of other things to talk about. Why do

I have to be so sensitive and revealing when I

should have just been able to cast it off as nothing

by now?

I really don't want to pressure you, honey.My intention is really to protect you. Jared has

spoken about that man almost nonstop since the

day of that interview. He's acting as if he met a

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long lost friend from his childhood. If this man

did something to hurt you, then I would rather tell

Jared to back off and forget about him rather than

risk him coming back into your life. I won't give

him any specifics, if you don't want me to, but I

don't want him hurting you because of something

he doesn't know about. Regardless of how it

appears, he really does think the world of you,

and he worries about you. I know he would never

intentionally hurt you.

A million things were swirling around in my

head. I didn't want to say a word, but it was

quickly becoming apparent that if I didn't saysomething, then this whole mess would end up

falling right back into Brad's lap, and he was the

innocent one that didn't deserve any of this. I was

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the one at fault. I was the one that hurt him. I

never dreamed I would have to face this again.

No, Brad didn't hurt me. In fact I was the

one that destroyed everything between us. Brad

was an amazing young man that treated me better

than anyone has ever treated me in my life,barring only Marty, of course. There were a lot of

mistakes and misunderstandings, that Brad had

nothing to do with, that I mistakenly accused him

of. I always wanted to ask him for forgiveness

because it still plagues me to this day, but I never

got a chance to speak to him again. He left so

soon after our argument that it was as if he justdisappeared from my life. But there is more to it,

and I really don't want to resurrect things that

should be long dead to us all. The last thing I

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want to do is put him through this mess all over

again. We've both moved on in life. It's simply

not worth it.

What if you don't get to be the one decides

whether or not this mess remains buried? People

can be very vindictive, this may be your onechance to clear yourself before he starts speaking

of the past. Some people harbor pain inflicted by

others simply with the intention of getting them

back the first chance they get. This has obviously

caused you great pain all these years. What if it's

the same for him? You have to admit, it is very

strange that he chose to apply at the very sameplace your bother will be the one responsible for

giving him the interview.

What if it was just a coincidence?

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Jenna, you know as well as I do that there

is no such thing as coincidences. We may not

understand why things happen at the time they

occur, but hindsight usually gives you the answer

later. No, I believe this was intentional, and

maybe he is only doing it in hopes of

reconnecting with you. I know you loved him,

and from what I have heard, he loved you too. It

could be innocent intentions driving this, but

even those could turn against you if you're not

careful. You've gone through so much with losing

Marty, and I know how difficult it is with your

children moving off into the world, leaving you

behind. I don't want you to be hurt anymore, and

if I can prevent it, I would rather ask Jared to

drop it right now before things grow worse for

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you. What's going to happen if Blake does

happen to meet him? Jared is crazy enough to do

it just for the entertainment it would offer. Right

now, he thinks he's just teasing you and there is

nothing more to the breakup than your typical

youthful experiences. Is that all this could be

construed as, or was it more?

I stood up and started pacing trying to

control the rage that was building up inside of

me. This was ridiculous. I can't, I simply cannot

tell her. Everyone will despise me and think that I

have lied to them all these years. I didn't, but

that's not what it's going to appear as. This wascompletely personal, but yet, it affects everyone it

shouldn't.

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Before I could even make a decision, there

was a knock on the door as then Jared slowly

opened it and peeked in. I quickly tried to collect

my composure and smile as much as I could.

I just wanted to say goodnight or good

morning rather. We just realized it's already afterone and we have to be on the road by six to make

it to the airport in time. Time sure does fly by

when youre having fun.

It sure does. I said quietly.

Well I guess I better get to bed too. Lizzy

said as she looked at me with a mixture of

disappointment and sorrow.

Night, Sis. Jarred said and then walked

across the hall.

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There's still time if you want to talk. Lizzy

said quietly.

It's fine. You need to get some sleep. You

have a long drive tomorrow.

She walked over and gave me a hug then

quietly walked out, shutting the door behind her.

All I could do was stand there. There was no such

thing as time. My life is crashing down around

me. Even if I did want to tell her, five measly

hours wouldn't be nearly enough time to

thoroughly explain and attempt to redeem myself

before they left never to speak to me again. I feel

like I've been running away from this my whole

life, but I've never ran away from anything. I

never left. I've lived in this town my whole life. I

dealt with everything the only way I knew how. I

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confronted my responsibilities, and never asked

anyone to take care of them for me. I can't help

that it didn't turn out the way I expected. But the

one thing I do know is that everything my life has

been since that day will be forever tarnished, and

I can't do that to my children. They deserve to

have a life they can be proud of. I don't want their

past to be shattered because of something they

had nothing to do with. I certainly don't want

them to feel guilty, or cheated, and I'm afraid

that's exactly what will happen. I've thought this

over so much, that I don't think there could

possibly be any other way they could view it. No,

this needs to stay covered up, and if I simply stay

here and clear of Brad, then most likely the

subject will not be brought up. Hopefully, he'll be

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too concerned about keeping his job rather than

bringing up damning information from the past

that simply can do nothing to further him in life

now.

Three in the morning came so quickly, I

decided to change clothes and go downstairs tostart fixing something for breakfast so at least

they wouldn't be starving on their trips. I couldn't

believe that the time had gone by so quickly and I

couldn't help but feel cheated. This was supposed

to be time I got to spend with my family, not

trying to dodge and avoid them. If Jared had just

kept his mouth shut, none of this would haveeven been brought up and things would have

been as they should be.

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Regrets of the Heart

By

Stephanie Laws

Copyright 2013 All rights reserved. No part of this publication

may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any

means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or

mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author.

Cover photo courtesy of: stock.xchngevi

ki

by Andy Reis

___________________________________________________________

Also by Stephanie Laws

THE KNIGHTINGALE SERIES

Knightingale

Gale Swept

Knightime (Coming Soon)

Source Key (Coming Soon)


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For more information

Please visit Stephanies website at

www.authorstephanielaws.com
http://www.authorstephanielaws.com/http://www.authorstephanielaws.com/

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