Reflections On Holidays Past, Present And Future

8/13/2019 Reflections On Holidays Past, Present And Future

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all want to confront me, not for all the wrong I did, but for all the good I achieved.

My brother even went on to say how he also hated my other brother for all his

accomplishments. He said that he was also going to have to set him straight for all

the times he stole his girlfriends back in high school. I asked him to forgive and to

move on with his life. He said that he didnt love people nor did he have the

compassion that I had. He said he wanted to make people pay for what they did tohim. At this point, I am stunned that a fifty-year old man could be stuck in his high

school past. My brother had been an ordained pastor for over twenty-five years and

now I understood why he had difficulty with various churches. Today this brother

has left the church and turned his back on God. He told me that he would never

submit to anyones authority ever again. This particular brother has become the

catalyst for more dysfunction in the family. He constantly fans the flames of anger

and discontent; and even creates scandals just for fun. Personally, I avoid him like

the plague, but he always manages to speak evil of me wherever I go. In fact, he has

such influence with the family that he causes them to surround me like Indians on

the warpath. They dont think, they just respond to whatever he says and begin

attacking me. Consequently, when I do come around family, it is only because Godprompts me to do something kind and loving for my family. I like to keep love and

peace flowing; but it is not always welcomed when my family gathers. My family

revels in negative speech and exalting the problems and issues of life. By all means

dontoffer them solutions. They want to put their problems in a big stew pot and

stir it over and over until they are ready to serve each person an ample portion on

their plate. Here a perfect example.

It was Labor Day weekend a year ago, my dad had moved to Ohio after his wife

passed away that previous December. My mom and dad have been divorced for

most of my adult life, but they had lived in the same town with the same friends

forever. Every summer, my mom hosts a grand event at her lakefront home for all ofher family and friends. One year, everyone in the family was invited but my dad. My

brother in Ohio had the nerve to ask my dad to watch his dog while he went to my

moms. When I went to visit my dad he was obviously upset. He wanted to see all

his old friends and his brother, but he was not invited. No problem I said. Lets

crash the party. So, we went grocery shopping to make sure we took extra food for

my mom and we took off that night. We also got hotel rooms to make sure that she

did not feel obligated to put us up in the house. My mom was happy to see us

because she didnt know how to invite my dadafter his wife had passed. In previous

years dad and his wife had come to the same outing as a couple. My mom was also

glad we came early because she needed help setting up for all her guests. It was a

pleasant surprise for her, and the extra food we brought was a hit with mom as well.Dad had a great time too, but something happened later that evening. My dad began

missing his late wife and he became like an ogre. We expected something to happen

with him since this was the first time he had been back in the city and amongst

family and friends since his wifes death. While at my moms I got a call to come to

Indianapolis on business and my sister invited us to follow them back home and

they wanted us to stay at their home.


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All seemed well until the next day. Once my dad and brother-in-law got together

crazy broke out again. I still dont know what happened. I just know that I was

accused of being a troublemaker. When I asked what happened, nobody had an

answer. When I asked how it involved me, nobody had an answer. My brother-in-

law said that he wanted to blame it on me because there was something about me

he just didnt like. Soas far as he was concerned, if he didnt like me I was notallowed in their house or in their city ever again. This man yelled at me and

threatened physical violence. No one in the family came to my rescue. My young

niece was crying profusely as her uncle began yelling at her and telling her that she

was just like me. My sister, dad and I could have stopped the madness, but they

didnt want to. My dad was laughing on the sofa and the demons were in control. I

asked my sister if she thought this was acceptable, her response was to yell at me to

shut up and get out of her house. We were told to leave the city and to never return.

To this day, no one can tell us why we were treated so badly. Being around my

family can be like stirring up a hornets nest; its all reaction and no rationale.

We spent the night with my brother who also lives in that city, and the next day weheaded back home. While getting on the road, my sister calls me and tells me to

come get my dad. She didnt want him to remain in her house. I told her No! I took

them at their word to never return to that house and to leave the city. I told her that

he was their problem. My sisters response was astounding. She said that nothing

had happened. It was nothing. He didnt mean what he said. She didnt apologize.

She told me to ignore what happened. It was nothing; but I refused to fall in line

with their crazy dysfunctional behavior. By the time I arrived back home, my mom

called telling me that she knew everything that happened. How could she know? My

sister called my brother the instigator, who called my mom and every relative he

could to turn against me. The rumor was that I was an evil daughter for having

stolen my dads van and abandoning him at my sisters house. Of course, they failedto mention the argument and the threats against my life. My sister also failed to tell

my brother that her husband was yelling and cursing out the young niece who was

actually my brother the instigators granddaughter. They also happen to over look

the fact that my dad had given me his van after his wife died. In a dysfunctional

family truth does not matter. The whole purpose is to keep strife and confusion

going; and making one person the focus of their hatred. Unfortunately, I have been

designated as the object of their hatred. The most amazing thing I heard from that

Labor Day incident came from the mouth of the young niece who at five years old

clearly saw the problem. She asked, Auntie Paula, why dont they love the way we

love? My heart was touched. After enduring all the yelling and screaming; after all

her sobbing the night before, this little child understood what adults in my familyhave never understood. Love. I told her that not everyone is able to give or receive

love. We just have to pray for them in hopes that God will someday touch their

hearts. That, my friends is the issue that makes my family crazy at holiday time.

They dont want love to flow and when we bring it to the gathering it is always

rejected. So what can I expect this year? More of the same . . . but its okay. You get

used to it.


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Looking back on that incident, I realized that I have always been the one to help the

family in times of trouble. No one ever volunteers. I am the designated caregiver for

the family. I also realize that my dad has always been difficult to live with, so the

responsibility for taking care of him after his wife died, fell on me. Ive always loved

my dad no matter how he treats me. Hes in his 80s and his mind slips a few beats

every now and then. He will be nice one moment and threaten your life the next. Ithas been part of the routine in his life. After his wife died, he had nothing and what

he did have he sold to pay off debts. We also thought that he would want to stay in

Indiana near his friends and his brother, but instead, he asked if he could move to

Ohio and live in the same apartment where I lived. So, I found him an apartment,

furnished it will brand new furniture and appliances. It was the one thing I wanted

to do for my dad before he left this earth. He and his wife had lost almost everything

they had. The home they had in Indiana was a rental that had poisoned well water.

My dad could not use the water in the home without boiling it first. Just to run the

water from the tap was nauseating. There was such a putrid smell coming from the

pipes. The landlord wanted them to buy the home and I was glad that the deal fell

through. I wanted my dad to live in a beautiful place that he could call his own. Ieven got him one of those recliners that had heated vibration and refrigerated cup

holders. When my brothers and brother-in-law moved my dad into the apartment,

they were stunned. I was told how wonderful it was that I chose such a beautiful

place for my dad; that I took the time to make him comfortable. That was in April of

the same year, just five months prior to the incident in which I was labeled as the

evil daughter. Again, that is how my family rolls. I do what I do for them and walk

away. I dont anticipate a thank you. I just do what needs to be done.

Recently, I moved to a new city that holds many painful memories, but when God

moves me it means that it is time to face the past. Reentry has been bumpy. The

first relative I encountered threw us out of the house for the same reasons. I askedthe person if she truly understood how much I really loved her. Her response was

like the others. She said she wanted no part of what I had. I was offering love and

peace and it was rejected once again. She also admitted that she had called my

brother the instigator to find out why I came back to town. She said he told her the

truth about who I was. Okay . . . I have not spoken to my brother in over a year, and

I never told him that I was leaving town. In fact, I didnt tell any of my family what

was going on, so how could they know? They didnt knowanything. Neither has

anyone even tried to contact me directly to find out. Truth has never been

important; only strife, confusion and scandal matter to my family. So why am I back

with my family? This is a God inspired move. I am supposed to do something very

special for my family before moving on to bigger and better things. I dont reallycare how they receive it I just have to obey God. I have to continue showing the love

even if it is rejected. The task is bigger than one could imagine. My dysfunctional

former in-laws are also in this town and I have to reunite with them as well. Again,

holidays were also very explosive for their family and Im not expecting much from

them.


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My ex had theNorman Rockwell Thanksgivingpicture etched in his mind. He would

flip out during holidays because our family was not like the one in the picture. After

our divorce in 1995, he kidnapped my son around the holidays. He came for

visitation and they never returned. My son was three years old at the time. Like the

rest of my family, this man also believed that I was to blame for all his failures in life.

The last time I spoke to his family during the holiday they were all being held bygunpoint by my crazy ex-husband. Why were they being held hostage? Well, that

Christmas I received a call from my in-laws saying that he had shown up at their

home with my son. We were all excited about a possible reunion. But when I called

to speak to my son, his dad picked up and told me to leave the boy alone. He hung

up on me. I called back and his sister answered the phone. She told me that they

had told my son that I was dead. She told me that it would be best for everyone if I

remained dead, and she also hung up on me. Later that evening my brother-in-law

called to say that they were held by gun point and told that if any of them tried to

reunite me with my son, he would kill the entire family. Today, I am back at the

scene of that crime of dysfunction. So what will happen next? Will he attempt to kill

the family this holiday? Im not sure how it will end up, but I will do what I need todo and forget about it. We found my son of Facebook a couple of years ago. I sent

him several messages, but he made it clear that he is not ready to deal with all the

lies from his dads family. He said they told him I was dead, but no one ever spoke

about my side of the family. So, before he reunites with me, he says he wants to

confront them. I did contact him and let him know that I would be around if he

wants to get together. The choice is his, but I refuse to walk in fear of what his dad

might do.

The choice to live in fear, dread and dysfunction is up to each of us. I have chosen to

move on. If nobody in my family goes with me, I am moving onward to greener

pastures and a much-needed sanctuary filled with love and peace. This is where Iam focusing my life; in season and out of holiday season. For years I blamed God for

the dysfunction in my family. I remember shaking the Bible in the air and yelling at

him for the lies and evil I endured in my marriage and my family. Everything that

was good was called bad. Evil was called good. I went through many years of

psychotherapy trying to figure it all out. One analyst nailed, when he said, Your

family has written a script for your life and they are trying to force you to play a

character role that does not suit you. You have spent your whole life living the lie

your family created. So what are you going to do? I even recall going to marriage

counseling and being told that I needed to change to suit the mans needs. After just

a few sessions that counselor realized that my ex was a pathological liar. The

counselor threw him out of a session and apologized to me for having believed thismans lies.

If any of you are tired of reading my story so far, just imagine how it is living this

way from day-to-day. Is this a bad script? Itsmore like a very bad movie that keeps

trying to replay in my memory every time a family member attacks me. BUT, I

throw it off before it can take hold of me. In fact, it was more than a notion just to

recall a few things to write in this piece. I knew I had to write this for days now, but
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Reflections On Holidays Past, Present And Future