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Reflections of a Seal-Point Siamese
Chapter one
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tarquin. I am an
adorable seal-point Siamese cat
of the finest pedigree. I live with my owner,
Lydia, in a pied--terre in Mayfair, London. Wehave only just
recently moved there. We used to live in the country, however,
Lydia wanted
to be nearer to her office in Piccadilly. I haven't quite
decided on which home I prefer, but
what I particularly did not enjoy was enduring the refurbishment
of our new abode. Six
weeks ago, the apartment was descended upon by six sweaty,
rotund, uncouth builders. As if
the drilling and hammering wasn't bad enough, I also had to
contend with their foul-mouthed
rantings throughout the day. One burly red-faced fellow even had
the audacity to try to give
me a piece of a vile product called a pork pie; the stench
emitting from it was repulsive. I
almost ejected a fur ball at the very notion of its consumption.
Particularly galling was when
they had been to the local pub for lunch. They would return
reeking of cheap beer, belching
noxious fumes in my vicinity. The pork pie fellow would
invariably try to converse with me.
His huge puffy face would loom down. Droplets of saliva would
cascade over my silken
glossy coat as he proceeded to repeatedly slur, Here kitty
kitty. I did my very best to ignore
him, but he seemed to take that as some kind of challenge to
engage with me. On the last
occasion there was nothing else for it: I was compelled to
launch a protracted claw assault on
his large bulbous nose. He leapt back, clutching his bleeding
conk and promptly stepped into
a bucket of white emulsion. His colleagues appeared to find it
uproariously funny. I thought it
best to retire, for a short time, into my garden.
Its only a small garden, but it contains a variety of colourful
fragrant shrubs and flowers thatattract butterflies, bees and
wasps. I particularly enjoy catching the butterflies, but when
you
catch bees or wasps they retaliate by giving you a nasty sting.
It's very annoying because they
buzz around your head, as if to dare you to entrap them. Another
disadvantage of our garden
is the barking mutt next door. He really is a stupid creature.
He seems to bark at anything
that moves, for no apparent reason; its quite impossible to have
a siesta. Whenever I get the
opportunity I slash his snout through our fence. He quickly
retreats, whining pitifully. At
least it stops him barking, albeit for a short time. His owner
made a complaint to Lydia about
me. Fortunately, she is a rather protective mummy and told him
in a terse voice that he
should keep his dog under control, or she would be reporting him
for noise pollution. He
scurried off mumbling something about consulting his lawyer on
the laws of keeping a
dangerous animal. Lydia gave a dismissive laugh, took me in her
arms and gently patted my
back.
I am glad that they are not friendly with each other, as her
dalliances with the male species
have never been very successful. Her last suitor was a curious
chap called Cedric. The most
noticeable thing about Cedric was the coarse red hair sprouting
from his ears. Whenever he
spoke his head would bob about like a duckling on wavy water. It
made his ear hair look as
if it was performing some kind of weird rhythmic mating ritual.
I simply couldnt resist
stopping this hairy mass in its tracks by swiftly launching my
best trapping paw at it. Cedricscreamed and accused me of attacking
him. His nostrils widened as he aggressively sneered
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that I should be taken to the veterinary surgeon for a permanent
nap. I didnt hear much
more, as all could see from his gaping nostrils was another mass
of dark, stubbly red hair. It
was swaying around, in what appeared to be a dance akin to the
dashing white sergeant. I
didnt need to hear a starting pistol. I knew I had to act
quickly before itescaped. My paw
sped through the air at the speed of a frightened greyhound;
slash! I could feel the hairbetween my manicured claws: but it
wasnt yielding easily. No, this was a two-paw job. I
steadied myself on my hind legs, then grabbed Cedrics nose
firmly between my outstretched
paws; claws fully extended for action. It was very satisfying to
see the escapee hair glisten
with Cedrics blood. Now, instead of showing me some
appreciation, of ridding his nose of
this ugly invader, Cedric decided to swipe my head with his
hand. I fell to the floor just as
mummy emerged from the kitchen. What on earth is going on
Cedric? - did you just hit
Tarquin?
Clutching his nose, Cedrics voice quivered as he stammered,
It... it was him that started it:
he pounced on me out of nowhere and attempted to rip out my
eyes!Mummy seemed to visibly expand as she stood with raised
shoulders, her hands on her hips
and her fists clenched.
Oh did he now? Isnt it strange that in all the years Ive had
Tarquin he has been as gentle as
a new born lamb?
I gazed at mummy admiringly from the position I had landed in (
I thought that it was best
not to move too rapidly, in case Cedric had caused me a spinal
injury and, of course, to let her
know how viciously he had assaulted me). Get out of my house now
you vile, repulsive cat
hater, and consider yourself fortunate that I havent called the
police!
Cedric appeared to have shrunk in size, as he picked up his
jacket and scuttled out of the
door.
Come to mummy Tarquin, that nasty man wont hurt you again. Mummy
scooped me up
into her arms and rubbed her fine black hair against my head. I
thought, maybe you can make
me feel better by giving me some of that lovely fresh salmon you
were cooking for Cedric. As
if she could read my mind she said, Ive got something tasty that
will cheer you up
darling...
That was Cedric, now let me tell you about Sebastian
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