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REDRIDINGHOODandtheTHREEPIGS

ByChrisLane

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REDRIDINGHOOD&THETHREEPIGS©ChrisLane2018www.pantoscripts.me.uk

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SCENES

ACTI:SCENE1:GRANNY’SCOTTAGE

OPENINGSCENE

ACTI:SCENE2:INTHEFOREST

MEETINGTHEPRINCESCENE

ACTI:SCENE3:ACLEARINGINTHEFOREST

THEHUFFANDPUFFSCENE

ACTI:SCENE4:INTHEFOREST

TAKINGTHEBASKETTOGRANNYSCENE

INTERVAL

ACTII:SCENE5:GRANNY’SCOTTAGE

GRANNYANDTHEWOLFSCENE

ACTII:SCENE6:ATTHEPALACE

PIGSetcwithPRINCEtotherescue!

ACTII:SCENE7:GRANNY’SCOTTAGE

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOODANDTHEWOLFSCENE

FINALE

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ACT1:SCENE1:DINGLYDELLCOTTAGEThisisatraditionalinteriorofafairy-talecottage.StabledoorandwindowwithlongcurtainsStageLeft.AsinkwithtapandatableStageRight.Acoupleofwoodenchairs.Asmallwoodentable.Atrear:doortocupboard.Spaceforbed(withsecretflapinrearwallbehindbed)Itshouldbefilledwithchildren,washing-up,laundry,etc.Onstage:3Pigs.Chorus.Children.Kidsarestealingtools.Builder’sMateunseenin

cupboard.SONG:(suchas?‘THEHIPPOSONG’):CHORUS&Pigs.GRANNYENTERSGRANNY:(ToAud)WelcometoDinglyDell–myhumblehomeinthecountry.I’m

GrannyHubbard(givesaudalook)CHILD1:We’vefinishedcleaning,GrannyHubbard.Child2:Itwasfun!CHILD3:Itwasjollyhardwork!GRANNY:Ah!Butyouknowwhattheysay:‘Hardworkneverdidanyonetwicein

thesameplace’!GAMMO:Wisewords,Granny,wisewords!‘Hardworkshouldnevertakeplace

twice’!CHILD4:Rightthen,Granny;what’snextonthelistofjobstodo?GRANNY:Noidea(NameofClothes).RedRidingHoodhasthelist;whereisshe?CHILD5:BIGRedRidingHoodorLITTLERedRidingHood?GRANNY:Er–BIG?CHILD6:She’sinthegarden.(Openstopofdoorandcalls)BIGRedRidingHood!REDRIDINGHOOD:(Looksin)Whatisit,(NameofClothes)?SPAMMO:RedRidingHood!Whatisthenexttaskonthelist?REDRIDINGHOOD:(Enters)Thelist?Hereitis,Spammo.SPAMMO:(CHECKSLIST)Ooh!Ohyes!One–cleanfloor.(Spitsonfloorandrubs

withfoot.)Done!Two–dodusting!(Flickskidswithduster)Done!Three–err–can’treadthehandwriting.(Coversoneeye)Itlookslikeitsays‘attackcyclists’.Yes;attackcyclists.

REDRIDINGHOOD:Attackcyclists?!Areyousure?Itdoesn’tsound...HAMMO:Attackcyclists:Youtwo–outside–andifyouseeanycyclists–attack

them!Go!It’sajollygoodidea–they’reamenacetoroadusers!Squealofbicyclebrakes,yell,breakingglass,cheersfromkids.2kidsreappearwithbicyclewheel.Cheering.GAMMO:(grabslist)No–look!Itdoesn’tsay‘attackcyclists’:itsays,er:‘takeout

RedSocksKid’.

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GRANNY:OK.RedSocksKid?!(RedSocksKidlooksalarmed)Thereheis!REDRIDINGHOOD:Here!Puthimdown!Letmecheckthatlist.(READS)No–you

sillypigs!Whatitactuallysaysis:‘takeoutrecycling’!GAMMO:Durr!SorryRedSocksKid.REDSOCKSKID:(Dazed)Noproblem.REDRIDINGHOOD:OK–everyone–recyclingOUT!Comeon!(exits)Somekidsfollowwithrecycling.TwoareabouttothrowChild7out.Motherenters,inbusiness-suitandwithclip-board,andisfurious.KIDSFREEZE.MOTHER:Whatonearthisgoing?!Whyareyouallhere?!CHILD7:HelloMother!MOTHER:Put(NameofClothes)down!(Looksaround)Whyareyouallhere?!

Granny)Ileftthechildrenaclearmemoof(today’sdate),saying‘cleanthehouse’:meaningOURhouse,notyoursand...!(Looksaroundindisbelief)

CHILD3:Yes,Mother.Wegotyourmemo,of(today’sdate).WedidOURhouse–anditwassuchfunwedecidedtodoGranny’shousetoo!

MOTHER:Oh–well;that’sacceptablethen.But–ifyou’veleftOURhomeinthesamestateasthisone...!

GRANNY:Thisisfine!Aslongasweallhavefun!Remember,dear:‘Allworkandnoplaymakesamanhealthy,wealthyandstinky’.

GAMMO:Yes–wisewordsyetagain,Granny!‘AllworkandnopiemakesamanGrumpy,SneezyandDopey.

SPAMMO:Wrongpanto.That’stheonewiththe–youknow(indicatesdwarfheight.Gammopointsatkidsquestioningly.Spammoshakesheads)Bitlikethem,butwithbeards.(toaud)Andquieter.

MOTHER:HavingfunisNOTalessonIwantmychildrentolearn,thankyou.Iwantthemtofollowmyexampleofhardwork,notpointless‘games’!

Grangetssympathy.GRANNY:Well!AtleastIknowthenamesofallmychildren!Idon’thavetocall

thembytheclothesthey’rewearing!MOTHER:Youonlyhadtheonechild!Me!Remember?GRANNY:Vaguely.MOTHER:Goonthen;whatamIcalled?(Grannyconfused;childwhisperstoher)GRANNY:(proudly)Mother!MOTHER:Igivein.(Looksatclip-board)Forastart:‘Itemone:cleanfloor’.Just

look!(Standsandlooksdowntuttingandshakingherhead.3pigsarelinedupbesideherdoingsame)Itlookslikeaherdofpigshavebeen‘dancing’onit!(Pigsstartsimpledancemoves.Motherslowlyturnstolookatthem)What?!(Pigsslowlystopdancing)Don’ttellmeyouthreeareinhereagain!

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HAMMO:Spammo,don’ttellherwe’reinhereagain.SPAMMO:Right.Gammo–don’ttellherwe’reinhereagain.GAMMO:Ishallsaynothing.Iamthemasterofsilence.MOTHER:(Topigs)IcannotbelieveyouthreeareinhereAGAIN!Thepigsrelax.HAMMO:It’sOK,Spammo;shecan’tbelievewe’reinhereagain.SPAMMO:Really?Gammo:Shedoesn’tbelievewe’reinhere.Teehee.GAMMO:Tcha!Shehasonlytolook!GRANNY:ShouldhavegonetoSpecsavers!(agreementfrompigs.)MOTHER:(crosser;topigs)Well?AREyouthreeinhereagain?!HAMMO:Dunno.Bitconfusednow.(aside)Spammo;areweinhereagain?SPAMMO:I’mnotsureanymoreeither.(confused)Gammo?Areweinhereagain?GAMMO:(Pompous)Yes–Icandefinitelystate–weAREinhereagain.MOTHER:OUT!OUT!!!Pigsinadomesticdwelling,despitethe2012Healthand

Hygienerulingonthematter!!Out!Getbackinthepig-sty!OUT!OUT!Thepigstrytosaysomethingbutarebustledout.MOTHER:(abouttoconfrontGranny)Andasforyou...(Grannylooksalarmed)ROBtheBUILDER(enters):Lookhere–misses!I’mtryingtofixtheplumbin’(Showslargewrenchonpipeabovethesink)buteverytimeIputmetoolsdownsomelittlekidnicksthem!Thekidsalllookinnocentandhidetoolsbehindtheirbacks.MOTHER:Isthatright?Now!Listen!YouareallclearlyinbreachofDomestic

RegulationNumber326,namely:‘Youshallnotborrowwithoutasking’.So,whohasgotBob’stools?!

ROB:Rob.MOTHER:What?ROB:Rob–notBob.ROBtheBuilder.Rrrrob.MOTHER:Areyousure?Not‘BobtheBuilder’?(Looksdisbelievingasheisdressed

asBob)Hmmm.Anyway.So,‘Rob’,whatdothesemissingtoolslooklike?ROB:(unpleasantlysarcastic)Theylookliketools–hammers,wrenches!!MOTHER:Hammers,wrenches!Comeon!Whohasthem?Crowdshandovertools.ROB:Youlittleperishers!(Grabstools)Andwhere’smymategone?MOTHER:Who?ROB:Myassistant!He’sgonetoo!MOTHER:(sighs)Whatdoeshelooklike?ROB:Mymate?(Describeshiminafewwords)He’sfrom(placewithstrongdialect)MOTHER:OK.Iamwaiting!(GuiltychildrenreleaseMatefromcupboard)

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MATE:Complainsatlengthinunintelligibleregionaldialect.ROB:Iknow,Iknow!JustkeepawayfromthemkidslikeItoldyou!MOTHER:That’sit!Iamnowusingan‘EmergencyEvacuationOrder’:ALLOUT!

(Theygroanandleave)GRANNY:Seeyoutomorrowkids!MOTHER:(ToGranny)Andyou!Out!Leavetheworkmeninpeace.GRANNY:Me?ButIlivehere!Andit’sraining!MOTHER:Thengowiththepigsintothepigsty!(Pushesthemallout)GRANNY:(makingdignifiedexit)Remember–‘Peoplewholiveinglasshouses

shouldputthetoiletinthebasement!’Ibidyoufarewell!MOTHER:OUT!Right–that’sbetter.(SeesRobandMateleaving,withtoolsstillin

sink)Isay!Bob!ROB:Rob!MOTHER:Whatever.Whereareyouoffto?ROB:EmergencyEvacuationOrder!MOTHER:Butyouhaven’tfinished!ROB:Can’tignoreanEmergencyEvacuationOrder!Comeon!(MateandRobEXIT)HAMMOrushesbackinasthebuildersleave.HAMMO:Rainingoutthere!MOTHER:Don’tcare.(ushershimout)SPAMMO:(rushesin)Coldoutthere!MOTHER:Don’tcare.(ushershimout)GAMMO:(rushesin)Nowi-fioutthere!MOTHER:Don’tcare.(ushershimout)GRANNY:(rushesin)Noginandtonicoutthere!MOTHER:Don’tcare.(ushersherout)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:(rushesinwithwickerbasket)Hellothere!MOTHER:Don’tcare.(ushersherout)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:But...!MOTHER:Oh,it’syou–er–LittleRedRidingHood.(Letsherin)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Areyougettingstressedagain,Mother?Motherloudlyboltsthetophalfofthestabledoor.MOTHER:Notatall.Justfollowingsafetyregulations.(Checksdoorwon’topenthen

looksatlist)LittleRedRidingHood:didyougetthedecorationsfortheparty?

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Hereyouare.(Handsoverbasket)MOTHER:Let’scheck.(Ticksitemofflist)Theygoover,tothesideawayfromthedoor,toexaminedecorations.

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OnebyoneHammo,Spammo&GammothenGrannyknockatthedoor.Eachtimemothergoesandopensthetophalf,theylookpleadingbutMotherjustsays‘NO!’thenshutsthedoor.Asshewalksawayoneatatimetheycrawlinthroughthebottomhalf,closingitbehindthem,thenhide.Needstobefast!LASTKNOCKONDOOR.MOTHER:(angrilyopenstopofdoor)Itoldyou...!OH!TheWOLFisstandingthere.Thepigsallgivesmallscreams.MOTHER:Yes?WOLF:Goodmorning,Madame.CanIinterestyouintopicalitem?MOTHER:No,youcan’t.Sorry!(shutsdoor)PIGS:generalpanicandcriesof‘awolf’!MOTHER:(Seesthemallindoorsandisshocked)How?!What?!What‘wolf’?

There’snowolf!Look!MotheropenstopofdoorandWolfisstillstandingthere.WOLF:(slow&sleazy)Hello.PIGS:Wolf!(interrortheypoint)GAMMO:(Toaudiencemember)Youlooksensible.ItISawolf,right?(Business)MOTHER:Hmm.(Listenstobusinessthenlookscloser)Areyou,infact,awolf?WOLF:Me?!!Ha-ha!No-no-no!Notatall.GRANNY:Helookslikeawolftome.Youknowwhattheysay:‘Ifthecapfits–

shepherdswarning’!WOLF:No,no,no!Iam-er-ameerkat.(Makesmeerkatsqueak)(Wolfopensdoor

andwalksintolookatpigs)My,whatlovelychildrenyouhave.So–tenderandjuicy!(Lickslipsandwringshands)

PigshidebehindLRRH.MOTHER:Children?!They-arepigs!!Rudeness!OUT!Comeon,I’mtoobusyfor

this.(Steershimtodoor)WOLF:(Talkingaswalking)Butmadam;canIinterestyouindoubleglazing?Solar

panels?Cheaperfirewood?Fasterbroadband?Raffletickets?Luckyheather?AnythingoffTV.(StartstosingTVadvertjingle.Doorslammedinhisface.)

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Hedidratherlooklikeawolf.HAMMO:HeSPAMMO:certainlyGAMMO:did!LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Whatdoyouthink,Granny?Grannycarriesonsingingtheadvertjingle.MOTHER:Comeon.I’vegotabirthdaypartytosortout.GRANNY:Remindme.Whosebirthdayisittoday?(LittleRedputsherhandup&

8wavesbutisnotnoticed)

MOTHER:Noidea.Alwaysoneofthem.Anyway;I’mgoingtocollectthecake;I’lltakewhatshername...youknow,theotheronewiththeredridinghood,buttaller.

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:BigRedRidingHood.She’sdoingtherecycling.MOTHER:(Ticksitemofflist)OK.Didyougettheballoons?LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Here.(Holdsthemup.Non-inflated.)(Motherticksitem

offlist)I’mnotverygoodatballoonsthough.MOTHER:OK.Noproblem!Youfour(pigsandgranny)–youcanstayinhereIFyou

help–er–LITTLERedRidingHood?gettheballoonsready.(Ticksitemofflist.Shegoestodoorthenturns)Butnomess!

GRANNY&PIGS:Gotit!Nomess!(Motherexits)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Now,let’sgetorganised!Hammo,youblowupthe

balloon;Spammoyoutieitup;Gammoputtheribbononit,Granny–youhangitup.(Shepassesballoonsandthencheckspartythingsinbasket)

HAMMO:Blow!SPAMMO:Tie!GAMMO:Ribbon!GRANNY:Hang!Gotit!HAMMOblowsupballoon,passestoSPAMMO.POP!Theyalljump.Grannylate.HAMMOblowsupballoon,passestoSPAMMO,passestoGAMMO.POP!Jump.HAMMOblowsupballoon,passestoSPAMMO,toGAMMO,GRANNY.POP!Jump.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Howarewedoing?GRANNY:BetterthanIexpectedtobehonest.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Ohyou!Tryagain.Theyrepeatverycarefullywithalongthin‘flying’balloon.–butdon’ttieit.AttheendGrannyletsitgoanditfliesoffintotheaudience.GAMMO:Almostperfect!Let’sallbejollycareful.(Theymanagetoblowoneup

andtieribbon.)Excellent!GRANNY:(Carefullycarriesballoontowindowwhilepigseachblowupandhold

untiedballoons.)I’llhangthisoneuphere.(Atthewindowitpops.Pigsshriekandletgoofballoons.)(Grannyripsthecurtainsdowninalarm.)

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Granny!Yourcurtains!(GrannyhandscurtaintoHammowhoholdsitupatthewindow.)GRANNY:Notaproblem!JustneedaHammer!(Runstosink.)Sawonehere!Yep!LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:That’snotahammer!GAMMO:Thattoolis,infact,awrench.(BlowsupballoonandhandstoLRRH)GRANNY:Whatever.It’lldo.(Pullsitfromsink.Watersquirts.Shriek.Shestopsthe

9flowwithherhands.)

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Nowwhatareyougoingtodo?GRANNY:Notaproblem!(Getssquirtedagain)Cansomebodygetacloth?HAMMO:Here!(Hammotakescurtaindown&seeswolflookingin,lickinglips.)HAMMO:WOLF!!(HammoquicklyREPLACESCURTAINbyhand)SPAMMO:What?!(Hidesbehindmophandle)GAMMO:(Whohasfoundabucket)WOLF!Where?!Letmesee.(GammopullscurtaininHammo’shandsaside.Looks.Turnsback)Nothingthere.

(HammolowerscurtaintoseeMOTHERglaringin)Waah!(Hammorunsacrossroomwithcurtainandhidesunderit.

(GAMMOseesMOTHERandputsemptybucketoverheadtohide.)GRANNY:What’sallthenoise?(Sheturns.Squirt.)Aargh!MOTHER:(Enterscarryinglargecake)Whatonearthis...?!!(Thepigsarestandingundercurtainsorbucket.Grannyisfightingthewater.Allfreeze.Momentofsilence.Allballoonsarereleasedtoflyoffintoaudience.Motherwatchesindisbelief.MOTHER:WhereistheHealthandSafetyinTHAT?!Thepigsstarttoshufflenervouslyaway.MOTHER:Standstill!Donotmove!Grannyfreezesbutkeepsgettingsquirteduntilshehitsitwithwrench.Mothercarefullyputscakeonachairthenmovestostandbyopendoor.Withoutspeakingsheangrilypointsthattheyaretoleavebythedoor.HAMMO:But–thewolf!MOTHER:Meerkat!Hammonervouslyexits.SPAMMO:Therain!MOTHER:It’sstopped!Spammocautiouslyexits.GAMMO:Wherecanwego?(GlaresatGran)Ourstyishorrid!MOTHER:Buildyourownhouses!Gammosadlyexits.GRANNY:Youcan’tthrowthemout!It’sMYhouse!Iftheygo–Igo(Motheropens

doorwiderforher)Verywell.‘Anod’sasgoodasawinkbeforethey’rehatched’!(Exitswithdignity)

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Ohmy!Willtheybealright?9MOTHER:It’llteachthemalesson.(Locksdoor)Peaceatlast:kidsoutside;pigs

gone;noGranny.Perfect!Anicecupofteaandarelax,Ithink.Tcha!That

10builderhaslefthistoolsinthesink!(BeforeLRRHcanstopherMOTHERliftsthewrench.SQUIRTINFACE.Yelpingsheretreatsbackwards,waterineyes,asfaraschairthensitsheavilyoncakewithascreech.)BLACKOUT

SCENE2:ACLEARINGINTHEFOREST–treeprofiles

EnterWOLFWOLF:Look,beforethenextscene–canIjustmakeonesmallcomplaint.Not

normallyonetocomplain–butIam,quiteobviously,THESTAROFTHISSHOW–andIhavebeenon-stagejustfiveminutes!!Fiveminutes!!Andanotherthing!Theyhaven’tevenfedme!Notevenabowlofpeanuts!StarvingIam.STARVING!(Drools)Icouldeatawhole...(Scansfrontrowofaudience)...Hmmm.(approacheshungrily)OK–so(shieldseyesandscans)Anyonehereglutenfree?So,anyway,beforetheycomeback–firstIwouldliketosingaselectionofhitsbyNAME.Musicplease...

Musicstarts.Childrencomeon:juggle,dance,orunicyclethenexit.(Wehadafive-earoldonatinybikewithasmallpuppyinthebasket.)

WOLF:WhatwasTHATallabout?!Notevenpartofthestory!!That’sit–I’mgoingtoseethe‘director’ofthisthing!Thisisnowaytotreatastar!(ExitsR)

EnterL:Prince,RobandtheBuilder’sMate.PRINCE:Isthistheplace?ROB:Indeed,yourHighness.Aperfectsiteforapalace,sir!PRINCE:Butitslopesand...ROB:Splitlevelpalace:verymodern.PRINCE:Isn’titabit–boggy–Imean:thegroundhereis...ROB:Perfectforwaterfeatures!Andsoftsoil–mucheasierfordigging.Isn’tit,

Mate?Oy!Cloth-ears(Clipsaroundear)MATE:replies.NannyMcSpreaderenters.NANNY:(speakstoPrinceasifhewasstill5)Watchoutthere!Mindwhereyou’re

treading,Highness.Newshoes,remember!RobtakesPrinceaside.ROB:Andwhoexactlyisshe,sir?PRINCE:That’smyPersonalAssistant.AllPrinceshaveone.ROB:Seriously?PRINCE:Well,sheusedtobemynannyso…NANNY:Idon’tlikethisplace,dear.Verydamp:you’llcatchyourdeathofcold.

Andsloping:youcouldeasilytakeatumbleandhurtyourknees!(Shepasses

11himatissueforhisnose)

ROB:Alleasilysolved,highness.ANDIknowtheownerofthissite–youcangetitfornexttonothing;allyouhavetodoissignhere.(Holdsuppapers&quill)

PRINCE:Really?Howmuch?ROB:Justtenthousandgoldcoins.PRINCE:Tenthousand?!Thatseemsalot!ROB:Notatall.Notfor(nameofposharea)Abargain!(Princedoesn’ttakeit)PRINCE:Well...whoistheowner?ROB:Nobodyyouknow,highness.(MatepointsatRob&mumblesbutissilenced)PRINCE:Well,Idon’tknow...(TakesquillandRoblooksexcited)MATE:Sniggersandsayssomething!Theylookathim.PRINCE:Whatdidhesay?ROB:(Glaresatmate)Hewasjustsaying,ifhewasyou,hewouldstayintheRoyal

Palacewithallthoselovelyyoungladies-princessesandthelike.NANNY:ThatisexactlywhatI’vebeensaying:staywhereitswarmandcosy.PRINCE:Ha!Beingatcourtisnotwhatyou’dthink.Princessesaresoboring!ROB:Anyway:ifyoucouldjustsign:herePRINCE:Sorry.Getabitworkedup.(Abouttosignthenstops)Butit’sawful!You

know,IreallybelieveifIfoundonegirlthatwasordinaryanddowntoearthI’dmarryheronthespot!

ROB:Whatspot?PRINCE:Eh?It’sjustanexpression:onthespot?ROB:Ooh!Iwouldn’tmarrysomeonewithspotsifIwasyou.Noway.Mightbe

measles!NANNY:Verytrue.Youdon’twantanymorespotsagain:yourememberwhenyou

wereyoungyouwereonemassof…PRINCE:Right.OK!NANNY:Comeon.Timeforyourwalk!(BothExit)ROB:Nevermind;he’llbeback.Thattrackjustgoesaroundinacircle.(toaud)

Perfect–tenthousandgoldcoinsforthisbitofwaste-land!MATE:sayssomethingaboutapalacefallingdownROB:Whatifthepalacedoesfalldown.YouthinkIcare?I’llbelonggone!Plentyof

dozyprinceslikethatone;halfadozeninEnglandalone!OPTIONAL:songaboutmoneyTheyEXITright.EnterREDRIDINGHOODandLITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:stageleftREDRIDINGHOOD:(toaud)Helloagain.Alright?LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:(toaud)We’vegotthisbasketoffoodforGrannybut

she’swanderedoffagain;haveyouseenheratall?No?

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Enter3PIGSandGRANNYStageRight.REDRIDINGHOOD:Ah–thereyouare!GAMMO:Indeedweare!LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:We’vegotsomesuppliesforyou!GRANNY:Verythoughtful,love.SPAMMO:Lovely.We’restarving!HAMMO:Yum!GAMMO:Food!Wehavebeenforcedtoliveoffwhatnatureprovides.SPAMMO:Berriesandstuff.GAMMO:Likeinthose‘survival-in-the-wild’TVprograms–RayMeers,Bear

Bottom…LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:BareBottom?!REDRIDINGHOOD:BearGrylls.Grylls!GRANNY:No–nogrillsoutinthewilderness;noovensofanysort!Allyouhaveto

cookwithisjust…ahandfulofdrytwigs.(mimesrubbingstickstogether)SPAMMO:Nohouse!Just...ahandfulofdrytwigstoshelterunder.(mimes)GAMMO:Nofurniture!Just...ahandfulofdrytwigstositon.(mimes)HAMMO:(seesit’shisturnandthinks.Suddenly-)Notoiletpaper!Justahandfulof

drytwigstow...…er...well,maybesometoiletpaper.REDRIDINGHOOD:GrandDesigns!Seenthat?Youcanbuildashelterfromthings

youfind:rocks,mud,strawbales,and...HAMMO:She’sright!Wewillbepig-survivors!I’llmakeahouseof...Iknow!That

fieldbacktherewasfullofleft-overstraw–I’llmakeahouseoutofthat!REDRIDINGHOOD:That’stheattitude!Whataboutyou,Spammo?SPAMMO:Ah...yes!Ishallmakeahouseof–worms!LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Worms?SPAMMO:Yep.Worms.Bigguns.(Showssizewithhands)REDRIDINGHOOD:Don’tyouthinkthatwormsmightjust-wriggleaway?SPAMMO:Ha!ButIwillusespeciallytrainedworms!REDRIDINGHOOD:OK.But-whatifbirdseattheworms?GRANNY:Youcanbesonegativeattimes,dear.SPAMMO:No;she’sright...Iknow!Ishallusetwigs!Big,solidtwigs.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:That’samuchbetteridea!REDRIDINGHOOD:But-howwillyoujointhetwigstogether?SPAMMO:Ishalltiethemtogether!Withworms!(Actsoutthetying)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Brilliant!GRANNY:Sorted!Gammo?Yourhouse?GAMMO:Quitetraditionalme.Happentoknowwherethere’sapileofbricksbeen

13thrownaway,so...

REDRIDINGHOOD:Thatsoundssensible;butstraw,twigs,worms?!Theysoundrather‘flimsy’tome!Isuggestyouchoosebettermaterials?Andmaybe...

GRANNY:Nonsense;positiveattitude!Juststartbuilding!(Marchesthemoff)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Ohno!They’veforgottenthebasket!(Runsoff)Granny!REDRIDINGHOOD:Grannyissothoughtful,wantingtohelpthosesillypigsbuild

theirownhouses.Sighs.SometimesIthinkitwouldbenicetohavealittleplaceofmyown.

SONG:Suchas:WOULDN’TITBELOVELY(MyFairLady).PrinceentersPRINCE:Hello?Areyoulost?REDRIDINGHOOD:Lost?No–IknowexactlywhereIam.Doyou?PRINCE:Ah–no;notreally.Iwaswithsomepeople,butI’mnotsure...REDRIDINGHOOD:Well–(shelooksathisshoes).Bitmuddyhere.Yourshoes...

wellnotvery‘sensible’forwalkingintheforest,really?PRINCE:Ah–right.(smiles&looksatfeet)No.Supposenot.Moreforwandering

aroundpalaces,really.(toaud)Nannywillbereallycross!REDRIDINGHOOD:Sorry?PRINCE:Ah....nothingREDRIDINGHOOD:(awkwardpause)So;Iguessyou’reThePrince?PRINCE:Yes.Goodguess!Andyou’recalled...?REDRIDINGHOOD:Myname?Well,I’musuallycalled‘RedRidingHood’.PRINCE:RedRidingHood?Well,Icanseeyou’rewearingone,but,doyouhavea

realname?REDRIDINGHOOD:Yes,thankyou.Doyou?PRINCE:Er–yes,ofcourse.I’mThe...REDRIDINGHOOD:Iknowyou’re‘ThePrince’.Butthat’snotaREALnameeither.PRINCE:Isupposenot.(smilesagain)Youarevery‘practical’aren’tyou.So...your

realnamefirst…REDRIDINGHOOD:CharlotteEmilyLouise.ButmyfriendscallmeLottie.PRINCE:Charmed(bows).AndmynameisMaximillianAlphonseLudovicoHoratio,

theTenth.(seesherraisedeyebrows)Max.REDRIDINGHOOD:Pleasedtomeetyou,Max.PRINCE:AndIamverypleasedtomeetyou,Lottie.(bows)Actuallywemightbe

neighbourssoon.I’mheretoplananewbuilding!Apalace!REDRIDINGHOOD:Really?Lovely.Well,don’tusewormsPRINCE:Worms?Er–anyspecialreasonwhynot?

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REDRIDINGHOOD:Birds,ofcourse!Eatthem!PRINCE:Gosh!Youseemtoknowalotaboutbuilding.(thoughtful)Isyourfathera

builder?REDRIDINGHOOD:Notall.Heclimbsbeanstalksforaliving.(pauseforthistosink

in)Ijustworkeditoutformyself.PRINCE:Doyouoftenworkthingsoutforyourself?REDRIDINGHOOD:Ofcourse.Don’tyou?PRINCE:Erno;Ihavepeopletodothatsortofthingforme.Perhapsyoucouldhelp

me–youknow-withideasforthenewpalace?REDRIDINGHOOD:Helpyou?Palace?Well...SONG:duet:suchasduetfromFrozenTheybothgetcloser.NannyentersL.NANNY:Ah!Thereyouare;youyoungscamp!(Sheseparatesthemandwipeshis

faceandhandswithatissue.)Now:nearlytimeforyournap!Offwego!BOTHEXITR.

REDRIDINGHOOD:OK.Notsurewhathappenedthen.(ExitsR)WOLF:(Entersdownsteps)Thankgoodnessthey’vegone.Now–let’snotchthe

qualityup.FirstIwouldliketosingyoua...ROBENTERSLROB:Ah!Thereyouare.Beenlookingallover.WOLF:Yes–hereIam.Andgettinghungry!Doyouhaveanything...?ROB:Imighthavesomethinghere...WOLF:(Toaud)Somelovely,juicy,porkchopswouldbe...What’sthis?ROB:ClosestIcouldget.WOLF:Smokeybaconcrisps?!ROB:Likeitorlumpit.Anyway:Ihaveanotherjobforyou.WOLF:(shovellingcrispsin)Goon.ROB:ThePrincewantstobuildhimselfanewpalace,andIhavetheperfectsitefor

it–HERE.Now,IhappentoownitbutIampreparedtosellit:fortenthousandgoldcoins!But-there’sone,smallproblem...

WOLF:(shovellingcrispsin)Mmm?ROB:There’sanoldcottageonthesitealready.(Indicates)Overthatway.Dingly

Dell.OwnedbyanoldGrandmotherwithanawfulfamily.WOLF:(checkingemptybagforcrumbs)So?Kickherout!ROB:Youknowthelaw:Ican’tjustthrowpeopleoff!Atleast,notwhile(looks

aroundfurtively,speaksmeaningfully)notwhiletheownerisstill...alive.WOLF:So...?ROB:So...shehastogo.

15

WOLF:Andyouwantmeto...?ROB:Todowhateverittakestogetridofher.WOLF:Like–askhertoleave?ROB:Ah.Triedthat.WOLF:Payhertomove?ROB:Triedthattoo.WOLF:(inspiredidea)Whatifsomeoneshould-accidentally-tipherintoabig

cookingpotandmakeherintoadeliciousstewwithredwine,andherbsandlittlebabyonions!Andthen–bymistakeofcourse–accidentally...eather!

ROB:Howterrible!Ha!Whateverittakes!(Giveshimbagofgoldcoins)Andmorewhenthejobisdone.Justgetitsorted!(Exits)

WOLF:Splendid.(Checkscoins)Now:forafeast!Haha!!!!(Callthatbooing?!Evilexit)

SCENE3:CLEARINGINTHEFOREST

THEHUFFANDPUFFSCENEHousesslideonstage:straw,twigsandbricks.Theyareverybadlybuilt.Thestraw&twighousesneednotbemorethancut-outs,oneoneithersidetobepulledoff-stagelater,butthecentralbrickhouseneedsadoorthatworks.SONG:Pigs&GrannyplustheRidingHoods,Kids&Chorus:suchasOURHOUSE.ALLEXITexceptGrannyandpigs.HAMMO:There–finished!REDRIDINGHOOD:Theydon’tlookvery–er–solid.Shouldn’tyouhaveused–I

don’tknow–concreteandnailsandstuff?GRANNY:Nonsense!(Tapsoneanditwobbles)Whywastemoney?Remember:‘A

pennyearnedisthickerthanwater’!GAMMO:Wisewords,Granny.HAMMO:Bettergetthefurniturenow.(Thepigsexit)REDRIDINGHOOD:(secretly)Granny!Psst!PSST(Tooneside)GRANNY:Whatisit?YoucantellyourGranny.No,hangon,letmeguess:youmeta

reallyhandsomechapinthewoodsandyouhavebothfallenmadlyinlovewitheachotherBUTheisafabulouslyrichPrinceandyou’reajustapoorgirlfromapoorfamily:“Scaramouche,Scaramouchewillyoudothefandango’…

REDRIDINGHOOD:(pause)NO.GRANNY:Whatdoyoumean‘No’?REDRIDINGHOOD:Sorry?(laughs)Imeant‘Yes’!Sillyme!GRANNY:Goodgrief.REDRIDINGHOOD:So:inlovewithaprince.WhatcanIdo,Granny?

16

GRANNY:Ishouldn’tworry,dear–afterall,thisisonlyapanto.Justwaitandsee.(Quotingwithdeadpanexpression:)“I’msurethewriterwillthinkofsomething”.

REDRIDINGHOOD:“Yes,he’saverycleverfellow”.GRANNY:(Towings)So,what’shewrittennextforus?PERSON:(stagehandlooksatscript)Itsays:‘Theyexittohavecupoftea’.GRANNY:Perfect!Comeon!(TheyexitLEFTtogether)ROBEntersRIGHTwithMate,Prince&NannyROB:Sothat’sagreedthen.PRINCE:Ithinkit’salovelyspot:lovelyviewsoftheforest.NANNY:Squirrels.ROB:Sorry?NANNY:Squirrels.He’safraidofsquirrels.PRINCE:NoI’mnot!ApparentlyonejumpedinmypramandIcried!ROB:Recently?PRINCE:No!Itdoesn’tmeanI’mstillafraidnow!NANNY:Weshallsee.Weshallsee.Don’tblamemeifyouopenthewindowofyour

shinynewpalaceandthere,onthelawn,isahugesquirrelwithblooddrippingfromitsfangsand-initsclaws-adeadbadger.

MATE:soundsofagreementandfearPRINCE:Shallwejustsignit?Robeagerlygivescontractandquill.Matesneezes.NANNY:Whatwasthatnoise?!ROB:Ithinkitwasasquirrel!Nannypanicsandrunsoff,draggingPrince.PRINCE:Signitlater!(Exits)ROB:So:soonI’llhavetenthousandgoldcoins.Assoonasthatoldwomanisgone

andhercottageispulleddownand...(looksaroundandseesnewhouses)What?!WHAT?!Wheredidthesecomefrom?!

MATE:Explainswhatstrawandtwigsare,briefly.ROB:Yes,youidiot,Iknowwhatstrawandtwigsare!(Hits)Butwhobuiltthem?!GAMMO:(EntersLEFT)Hello!Oh:Iknowyoufromsomewhere,don’tI?ROB:Er–ah–maybe.Perhapsyou’veseenusonthetelly!GAMMO:Telly?AreyousomeoneonTVyetveryunlikelyorveryunpopular?ROB:No–no–we’reah...we’refilmingthesehouses-foraTVprogram!GAMMO:Whatprogram?ROB:It’s–er–‘GrandEscapeHomesDesignedUndertheSun’!GAMMO:Oh?(Suddenlygetssuspicious)Sowhere’sthecamera?

17

ROB:Er...it’supthere.(Pointsoutintobackofaudience)GAMMO:Ooh.(Turnsandstandsgrinningmoronicallytoward‘camera’)MATE:mutterssomethingthendoesthesame,byhisside.ROB:(toaud.)Ihavetodestroythesehouses,orthosegoldcoinsaregone!Gone!

(Hetoucheshuts)(Toaud)Look!Thesetwoareonlymadeofstrawandtwigs:youcouldalmostblowthemdown!Ah-ha!Iknow!Matches!!Teehee!(searchespockets&findsabox)

SPAMMO:(Enters)Hello!Who’sthisthen?GAMMO:Oh!They’refromGrandEscapeHomesDesignedUndertheSun!Hereto

filmourhouses!Thecameraisupthere.(BothstandgrinningwithMate)ROB:Thesematchesareuseless,haveyougot…?Here,stopthat,youtwerp!(Clips

matearoundear)Haveyougotanymatches?MatefindsaboxandpassesittoRob,whotakesit,giggling,&triesburninghouses

again.Theotherswatchhimwithapparentlackofunderstanding/concern.HAMMO:(Enters)Ooh,hello!Here:haven’twemetthatblokewiththematches

before?GAMMO:He’soffthetelly?HAMMO:Thetelly?GAMMO:Yeah!GrandEscapeHomesDesignedUndertheSun!HAMMO:No!GAMMO:Yo!Thecamera...is...(points)(Theyturnandstandstill,grinning

moronicallytoward‘camera’;Mate&Spammojointheminaline)ROB:Thesearen’tevenmatches–they’restaleTwiglets!(orsimilarstick-likesweet

ornibble)Howlonghaveyoubeencarryingthesearound?!MATE:mutterROB:Sinceyourfifthbirthday?!(Disbelief;Clipsaroundear)Areyoumental?!MATE:(producescertificateproudly)Yes!ROB:Grr.Iknow!I’llrubthesetwostickstogether.(Breaksoffhouseandrubs)GRANNY:(Enters)Iboughtyousomecushionsforyournewhomes;no–don’tgo

allshy;asIalwayssay:‘Itisbettertogivethantoarrive’!Hereyougo.(Looksaround)Don’tIknowthesetwofromsomewhere?

GAMMO:Offthetelly!HeretofilmusforGrandEscapeHomesDesignedUndertheSun!

GRANNY:Getaway!(Preens)So,where’sthe–youknow...(manyhandspoint)(allexceptRob,onebyone,turnandstandstill,grinningmoronicallytoward‘camera’,ignoringthefranticstickrubbingandmutteringfromRob)

ROB:Thesesticksaredamp.Ineedsomekindling.(Looksatthemall)What’sthematterwiththesepeople?Here!Doesanyofyouhaveanyscrapsofpaper,

18forstartingafire?

Theyalllookinpocketsetc.GRANNY:Here’sareceiptfromlocalshopforchocolate(Hugelonglist)GAMMO:I’vegotanewspaperclipping:somethingsilly,topicalorold-fashioned.SPAMMO:I’vejustgotmybirthcertificate,passportandbabyphotos!ROB:They’lldo.(Takesthem)Howaboutyou?HAMMO:Nothing.Thoughaccordingtothelabelstheselocalshopclothesare

highlyflammable!ROB:OK.(RipssignificantclothesoffHammo)Thankyou.(Startstobuildfireby

strawhut,watchedbyothers)GAMMO:(Gettingsuspicious)HaveanyofyouseenthisTVprogrambefore?HAMMO:Ohyes;thisiswhattheydoeveryweek.Theystilljustwatch.BIGREDRIDINGHOOD:(Enters)Hello.Allshushher.GRANNY:Onthetelly.(Nodsat‘camera)GrandEscapeHomesDesignedUnderthe

Sun!(allexceptRob,turnandstandstill,grinningtoward‘camera’)WOLF:(Enters)It’snogood–I’velookedeverywherebutIcan’tfindGranny’s

cottage.Whatonearth...GRANNY:Shh!Telly!(Wolfjoinsthelineofposingidiots)ROB:Nothingisgoingtolight.Igiveup.I...ooh;what’shappening?(Joinstheline)MOTHER:(Enterswithclipboard)Ah!So–thisiswhereyou’reallhiding!Iknewyou

wouldn’thavegonefarfrom......whatareyoualldoing?ALL:Shhh!We’reontheTV!MOTHER:No.Noyou’renot.That’sBobtheBuilderandhismate.Comeon!Things

todo!(SheexitswithLRRH)ROB:Rob!RobtheBuilder!Oops!PIGS&GRANNY:Ah!Whatacon!Etc....TheyallEXITL&RexceptRob&WolfandMate.WOLF:Listen–Ican’tfindthatGranny’scottageanywhere.ROB:Ha!Therearefourbuildingstogetridofnow!WOLF:What?Four?!(Holdsup3fingers)ROB:No!Four!(Mateshows6fingers)ThesethreeandGranny’scottage!WOLF:These?These?!They’remadeof–junk!Youjustneedtoblowhard!ROB:Thendoit!Idon’tcareifyoublowthemDOWNorblowthemUP!Justgetrid

ofthem!Comeon!(DragsMateoffRIGHT–stillgrinningatcamera.)The3pigsreappearLEFT.WolfseespigscomingandexitsRIGHT.Pigsdointrointobriefsong:

19

SPAMMO:Ihopethatwolfisn’taroundanymore!HAMMO:Hah!Areweafraid!No!PIGS&anyothers:SONG:‘Whoseafraidofthebigbadwolf?’(Chorusonly!)Wolfappearsandjoinsin.Ensembleexit.OnebyoneHAMMO&SPAMMOnoticethewolfanddiveintotheirhousesuntilitisjustGammo&Wolfdancing.Gammofinallyrealizes.WOLF:Well:thatlittlepiggywenttomarket,andthatlittlepiggystayedathome–

isthislittlepiggygoingtogo‘weeweewee’allthewayhome?(Evilsmile.GAMMO:Er:IthinkI’vestartedalready,actually.(Shakesleg)Ohdear!(intohouse.)WOLF:So–littlepiggies.Wheretostart?Hmm.ThehouseofstrawIthink;justto

warmup.Hellooo?Anybodyhomeinthere?HAMMO:(throughsmallwindow)No!Goaway!WOLF:Letmein,littlepig,letmein;orI'llhuffandI'llpuffandI'llblowyourhouse

in!HAMMO:(inwindow)Notbythehairofmychinny-chin-chin!Iwon’tletyouin!WOLF:‘Notbythehairofyourchinny-chin-chin’?I’mheretoeatyou!Notshave

your‘chinny-chin-chin’!Whatonearthareyoutalkingabout?HAMMO:(openingwindow)Idon’tknow;it’straditional.Nowclearoff!WOLF:(Toaud)NowI’mgettingcross.I’mgoingtohuff–andpuff–andBLOWthis

housein.(Sohedoes)Thehouse‘blows’offstageexposingHammowhoshrieksandrunsintoSpammo’s

twighouse.TheWOLFgoestoSpammo’stwighouse.WOLF:Thisseemstobeheldtogetherby–yuck!–worms!Nevermind.OK:Letme

in,littlepig,letmein;orI'llhuffandI'llpuffandI'llblowyourhousein!SPAMMO:(outwindow)Notbythehairofmychinny-chin-chin!Iwon’tletyouin!WOLF:‘Notbythehairofyourchinny-chin-chin’?Whatisitwithyoupigsandyour

‘chinny-chin-chins’?!SPAMMO:(outwindow)It’swhatpigssaytodriveoffthebigbadwolf!WOLF:Wellitdoesn’twork!Iamnowgoingtohuffandpuffandblowyourhouse

in!(Hedoes)ThehousegoesexposingHammoandSpammowhoshriekandrunintoGammo’sbrickhouse.

WOLF:Hahaha!Tooeasy;onemoretoblowin,thenofftosortoutGranny!Right!Letmein,littlepig,letmein;orI'llhuffandI'llpuffandI'llblowyourhousein!

GAMMO:(Opensdoorandlooksout)Clearoff(orsimilar)!WOLF:(Stunnedshock)What?!‘Clearoff?!’Hangon;that’snotright.You’re

supposedtosay:“Notbythehairofmychinny-chin-chin!”?!GAMMO:What?

20

WOLF:“Notbythehairofmychinny-chin-chin!”GAMMO:Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout.Idon’tHAVEahaironmy–

whatwasit?–“chinny-chinny-chinny”?!WOLF:‘Chinny-chin-chin’!GAMMO:Whatever.Clearoff!(Slamsdoor)WOLF:Ihaveneverbeenso....Rightheregoes.Iwillhuff...andpuff....Andhuff...

and-phew–puff...andhuff...hangon.Gasps.Needtorethinkthisplan.(Thinks.)Aha!IfIcan’tblowitdown...(Runsintowingsandreturnswithbomb:blackballwithindoorsparklerinit)...I’llblowitup!Oy–letmein!

PIGS:No!WOLF:LetmeinNOW!PIGS:Oh–alrightthen!Thepigsrunoutofthedoor.Thewolfthenrunsinside,laughingtriumphantly.Gammopullsdoorshut.Thepigsretreatacrossthestageandwatchasthelaughing

frominsidechangesfrommanictounsure.WOLF:“Ohno!Littlepigs!Letmeout!Letmeout!”.PIGS:Notbythehaironyourbummy-bum-bum!Explosionfx.Houselightsbrightlyfrominside;soundfx;smoke?Doorslowlyopens.Wolfstaggersoutwithtorn,blackclothesandhat.GAMMO:Quick–offtoGranny’shouse!(Thepigsexit)WOLF:Granny’shouse!Yes!AllIhavetodoisfollowthem!Haha!ThenALLthe

houseswillbedestroyed.AndverysoonIshallbeenjoyingGrannycasseroleformydinner.Yum-yum!HAHAHA!EXITSL

BIGREDRIDINGHOODentersRcarryingcushions.BIGREDRIDINGHOOD:I’vegotsomemorecushionsforthepigssothat–OH!

Whathappenedhere?Businesswithkidsinaudience.That’sterribleImustgethelp!Iknow–thePrince!Look–it’lltakeawhiletogetthereandIamNOTgoingtherelikethis!Iknow–whydon’tyouallhaveabreak–andI’llmeetyouatthepalacein–ohabouttwentyminutes?Great!Seeyoulater!

INTERVALACTII:SCENE4:INTHEFOREST–treeprofiles/cloth

TAKINGTHEBASKETTOGRANNYSCENECHORUSNUMBERdance.(Fairies?Elves?Mice?)ChorusEXITMOTHERandLRRHenter.MOTHER:Right–thisiswherethepathsplitsintwo.Now:I’vestillgotabirthday

partytoorganize(Checksclipboard)–thoughImustsayIcan’trememberwhichoneofyouit’sfor.(LRRHtriestoindicatethatitisher,butisnot

21noticed)I’llbegladwhenyourfathergetsbackdownfromthatbeanstalk.So:you’llhavetotakethisbasketoffoodtoGranny’shouse.

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:OK.MOTHER:Andbesuretosticktothispath(indicates)It’sthequickestandsafest.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Right.(Isnotlooking–insteadispeeringintobasket)MOTHER:And–ifthereISawolfabout–notthatI’msayingthereis–thenhe’llbe

hidinginthedarkpartsoftheforest,soavoidthem.Haveyougotallthat?LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Yes!Yes!Yes;ofcourse.I’llbeperfectlyfine.MOTHER:Offyougothen.Oh:first…signheretosayIwarnedyouaboutthewolf.

Andthedate.OK.RememberwhatIsaid!Thesafepath!(Exits)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:(toaud)Helloagain!Enjoytheinterval?OK:so-I’vegot

anotherbasketofgoodiestotaketoGranny.AndI’mgoingtogothroughtheforestthisway(pointswrongway)soIcanpicksomewildflowersforher.She’lllikethat!But–thiswayisabitdarkandgloomy.Doyouthinkit’llbesafe?Whatdoyouthink?Thisway,orthatway?Well–therearenowildflowersthatway.Look:ifIgothiswayIwon’tbeafraid,notwithyouallhere.BUT!Ifyouseeawolfwillyoushoutandwarnme?Youwill;thanks.I’vegotloadshereinmybasket;I’vegot...bread,cheese,chocolate,butter,morechocolate,biscuits,lemon,chocolate,...

Asshediscussesthecontentsthewolfappears,fleeingoffstagewhenshoutedat.EachtimeLRRHstops,looksaround,seesnothing,continues.Thishappens3timesthenLRRHseeshimLITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Ha!So–MrWolf.Tryingtocreepuponme!(Toaud)

Thankyoufortheshouting!(Approachesandslapshishand)Youareawildandwickedwolf!

WOLF:Meerkat?Squeek.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Getreal.(Tapsfoot&foldsarms)Whatisityou’reupto,

youmangy,malevolentmammal?WOLF:Me?Nothingatall!Whatisityou’reupto!LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Me?Iamtakingthisbasketoffoodtomygranny.And

NO(pokesagain)youcan’thaveANYofit!NowI’mgoingandYOUcannoteventhinkaboutfollowingme,youloathsomelupine!

WOLF:(sarcastic)Oooh!LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:(Toaud)Andifhetriestofollowme–willyouallshout

andwarnme?Yes?Thanksthen;seeyoulater!(Exits)Wolftriestofollow,hopefullyshouting,then...

22

WOLF:Alright!Enoughwiththeshouting!Idon’tneedtofollowthatlittlebrat!Thistrailonlygoestooneplace–andit’snotthequickestway.IfIgothis(points)way,I’llgettherelongbeforethat–that‘scarletsquirt’!See–she’snottheonlyonewhocandoalliteration!Ha-ha!(Exitslaughing)

ACTII:SCENE5:GRANNY’SCOTTAGE

GRANNYANDTHEWOLFSCENEFullstageInteriorofGranny’scottage.Thereisnowashortbedwithitsheadagainsttherearwallandblanketsthatreachthefloor(securedinplace).Atitsfootisalarge,top-openinglinenchest(withnobacksothatcastcancrawloutofit,underthebedandoffstage)Thebottomofthechestiswell-padded!Thefrontstable-doorandacupboardasbefore.Thereisalargebroom.ALTERNATIVE:INSTEADOFTHELINENCHESTHAVEASECONDCUPBOARDAnactivityistakingplacesuchaerobicswithchorus,ledbyberserkGranny.Chorusexits.GRANNY:Sametimenextweek!Grannyiswearingglasses,ashawlanda‘mop

cap’.Stillhumming/singingtoherselfshefoldsup‘things’andputstheminthelinenchest/cupboard,toshowhowitworks.SuddenlyGammoburstsin.

GRANNY:Ohmy!GAMMO:GrannyHubbard!GRANNY:Whatonearthisit,Gammo?GAMMO:It’sthewolf!GRANNY:No!Where?!(Looksoutside,eitherdoororwindow)GAMMO:HejustblewdownSpammoandHammo’shousesthenblewmineup!GRANNY:Myword!Aretheotherssafe?GAMMO:Ithinkso!Theyranoff.Icameheretowarnyou!GRANNY:Right!Whattodo?Think-think-think...Ah-ha!Awolftrap!GAMMO:Atrap?GRANNY:Atrap!GAMMO:Atrap!How?GRANNY:Ahhhh....Breadcrumbs!Atrailofbreadcrumbstothiscupboard,thenwe

pushhimin,withthisbroom!Trapped!(Sitsonchesttriumphantly)GAMMO:Brilliant!Er...dowolveseatbreadcrumbs?GRANNY:Ah.Seeyourpoint.(Thinks.Toaud)‘Thebestlaidplansofmicefromlittle

acornsgrow’!Whatweneedissomeproperbait!(Looksabout)So–whatDOwolveseat?(SlowlyturnstolookatunsuspectingGammo)

GAMMO:(Eventuallyunderstands)What?Me?!Noway!(Headsfordoor)

23

GRANNY:(interceptinghim)You’llbefine.Look:yougetinthebed.That’sit.(Sheopenscupboarddoorreadyforthewolf)I’llhidebehindthecurtainwiththebroom.(Acts)‘wolf-wolf-wolf-broom-broom-push-slam’.Sorted.Now:safetygoggles!(Putsonoldstyleflyinggogglesorsimilar)Whatcangowrong?(feelsherwayaroundblindly)Comeon–remember:‘Faintheartneveronewaytoskinacat’!Shhh!Icanhearhimcoming!

Shehideswithbroom.Gammohidesunderblanket:ears&hatstillvisible.SPAMMO:(EntersquicklyandseesGammo)Gammo!Withabattle-cryGrannychargeswiththebroom,pushingSpammointocupboard.GRANNY:Gothim!GAMMO:(Reappears)Areyousure?SPAMMO:(echoing)Help!Help!Letmeout!GRANNY:Listen!Hearthatwolfwail!GAMMO:That’snotthewolf!That’sSpammo!GRANNY:Areyousure?Nervouslysheopensdoor.Spammopopsoutangrily.Theyjumpbackinalarm.SPAMMO:Yousillyoldwoman;pushingmeinthereand...(knockingatthedoor)GRANNY&GAMMO:Thewolf!GrannypushesconfusedSpammointothelinenchestandwaitsasbefore.HAMMO:(EntersquicklyandseesGammo)Gammo!Grannycharges,pushingHammointocupboard,slamsshut.GRANNY:Gothim!GAMMO:Whereishe?(Grannyindicates)Inthere?!GRANNY:Look!GammojumpsoutofbedandSpammoleaveslinenboxandtogethertheynervously

openthedoor.Hammopopsoutangrily,makingthemshriekagain!HAMMO:Whatdidyoudothatfor?!GRANNY:Wethoughtyouwere...(loudknockingatthedoor)ALL:Aaargh!WOLF:(Offstage;slimyvoice)Hello–anybodyathome?ALL:Thewolf!GRANNY:Quick–hideinthere!SherushesHammoandSpammointothelinenchest.Gammohashadenough.GAMMO:I’vehadenough.Notdoingthatagain!(Gammogetsintochestwith

othersbutliftstwosafetyblockstokeeplidpartlyopen)Thedoorstartstoopenacrack.GRANNY:Youhavetobeinthebed!(Triestogethimoutofthebox)WOLF:(Voice)Hello?Hello?Anyoneathome?

24

GRANNY:Toolate!GrannyclosesthelidbutGammo’sarmisstillhangingout(arm-sizedcut-outinframetoavoidinjury!)Grannygoestotuckthearminbutthedooropenstoosoonandsheisforcedtositonthebox.Thearmisnowhangingbetweenherlegs.

WOLF:(Enters)Ah;soyouareathome,GrannyHubbard.(Looksaroundsuspiciously)Iamverypleasedtomeetyouagain.Wolfwalksacrosswithhandheldoutforshaking.Gammo’sarmcomesupfrombeneathGranny’sskirt.Wolfshakesitasifnormal.

WOLF:Howdoyoudo.Whataverynicecottageyouhavehere.Wolfwalksawayashetalks,thensuddenlyrealizeswhathappenedandspinsbackbutbynowGrannyhasjumpedup,pushedthearmbackinandreturnedtolieonthebox.(Pigsnowescapesunseenfrombackofboxandoffunderthebedtogetintocupboard.)

WOLF:Yes–averynicecottage.Ashameit’sbuiltinthewrongplace.GRANNY:Builtinthewrongplace?Whatdoyoumean?WOLF:Verysimple,mydearwoman,thislandisownedbyRobtheBuilder–andhe

planstobuildthenewpalaceforthePrincehere.But,sadly,yourcottageisintheway–andwillhavetogo.(Hegoesfacingawayfromcupboardandexamineswall.)Shouldn’ttakemuchtoknockitdown:justlikethosehorridlittleshedsthosepigsbuilt.

Thepigsmakeoffstageshoutsofangryprotestandtrytocomeoutofcupboard.GRANNY:What?Howdidyougetin…nevermind!Getbackin!Grannypushespigsbackinthecupboard.Wolfhearsbutturnslate.WOLF:What’sgoingoninhere?Areyoutryingtomakeafoolofme?GRANNY:Notatall!You’redoingaverygoodjobofthatyourself.WOLF:Thankyou;howkind.Butthisseemssuspicious.(Businessashecirclesand

Grannytriestohidethecupboardfromhim)Standaside–whatisinthere?GRANNY:Nothing.Nothingatall!Ooer.Wolfpushesheraside,flingsopencupboarddoor.Hestickshisheadinandlooks.

Shegetsbroomandisabouttopushhiminwhenheturns:shestrokeshimwithbroom:helikesthat.Helooksincupboardandshutsdoor.

WOLF:Hmm.Empty.GRANNY:?!

Pusheshimasideandleansin.Shethenlooksataudienceinamazementthenstartstosecretlysearching,includingunderthewolforhiscloak.Wolfstartstoprowlaround,lookinginthebedetc.Finally,GrannyopensthelinenboxandapigpopsupbutWolfislookingaround.

25Heissuspiciousandhurriestolookinthebox.Empty.Apigappearsincupboardasdoorswingsopen.Granrushesacross,slamsthecupboarddoorandstandsagainstit.

WOLF:Thisismostpeculiar.(Heseesherhidingthecupboard)Standaside!Hepushesheraside,dramaticallyopensdoortoshowemptywardrobe.Grannyisshocked.WolfstepsinsidethecupboardtosearchandGrannyslamsdooronhim,wedgingitwiththebroomunderthehandle.

GRANNY:Psst.(Stagewhisperasshelooksaroundforthepigs)Whereareyou?!(Shelooksinmostunlikelyplaces,includingunderblankets,incoatpockets,injugs.Finally,shechecksthelinenchestagainandthepigspopup,makinghershriek)Getoutofthere.Quicknow!(theygetout)Gammoiscarryingapotty.

GAMMO:Where’sthewolf?GRANNY:Inthere.(Seespotty)Oh–thankgoodnessyoufoundthat!I’mdesperate!

(Shegoesacrosstopottyandgetsbottleout;sips.)HAMMO:Whatwillyoudowithhim?GRANNY:Noidea.OK!Ineedyouthreetoruntothepalaceandgethelp.SPAMMO:Whydon’tyoucomewithus?GRANNY:Merun?Ha!‘Youcan’tteachanolddogtosuckeggs’.GAMMO:Well...(uncertain)GRANNY:Runalong.I’llbefine!(Theyexitandrunoff.)Grannygoesandlistensatthecupboarddoorbuthearsnothing.Shechecksthebroomsecuringthedoorthenaddsawoodenchair.Whilesheisdoingthis,behindherback,thelidofthechestslowlyopensandthewolfappears.Heclimbsslowlyout,gesturingtotheaudiencetobequiet.HecreepstostandbesideGranny.GRANNY:(sheglancesatthewolfbutisconfused)Here;youhelp.(Shegrabshimsoheishelpingherleanagainstthedoor)Thatshoulddoit.(Shewalksawaythensuddenlyrealizeshermistake)Oops!WOLF:Haha!Now–whattodowithatougholdbirdlikeyou?IfIhadabigslow-

cookerperhaps...LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:(Offstage)Granny!Granny!GRANNY:LittleRedRidingHood!WOLF:Ha!Amuchtastiersnack!(GrabsGrannyandbustlesherintocupboard)You

–Granny–willhavetowait!Inhereyougo!Hepushesherin,slamsthedoor,andthenusesthebroomtoblockthedoor.Quicklyhefindsspareglasses,shawlandmop-cap,pullswindowcurtains(dim

lights)andclimbsintothebed,pullingblanketsupunderhischin.Hegigglesandsignalstheaudiencetobequiet.

26

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:(Offstage)Granny!Granny!Areyouhome?WOLF:(Grannyvoice)Whyyes,mydear.Justopenthedoorandcomeonin!ThedoorstartstoopenandLittleRedRidingHoodisseenstandingthere.BLACKOUT

SCENE6:ATTHEPALACEThroneandguardswithflags.

PAGE:(EnterswithRRH)Inhere,Madame.ThePrincewillbewithyoushortly.REDRIDINGHOOD:Wow.Super.Thankyou.(Pagebowsandexits)Thisisjollyposh

here.ItmustbeabitlikeHEADTEACHER’SNAME’Shouse.Pagereturnsandbows,followedbythePrince.PAGE:HisRoyalHighness,PrinceMaximillianofTintinabula.(Staysonstage)PRINCE:Ahha!Lottie,Iwashopingitwouldbeyou.REDRIDINGHOOD:(Curtseys)Iwasn’tsureyouwouldrememberme.PRINCE:Ohyes–Icertainlyrememberyou.Wouldyouliketea?Coffee?(Gestures

toPagewhostepsforward)Perhapswecouldsinganotherduet?REDRIDINGHOOD:Ohno;nothankyou.Perhapslater?No–Icamehereforhelp!PRINCE:Help?Why–ofcourse.Helpwithwhat?REDRIDINGHOOD:Well,itseemsabitpettyreally,butwe’rehavingsometrouble

withawolf.PRINCE:Atyourhouse?REDRIDINGHOOD:No.Myfriends,theThreePigs,havebuilthouses–onthatland

whereImetyou?(Henods)Butforsomereasonagreat,hairywolfhasbeenanddestroyedtheirhousesandnowhe’sofftomyGranny’shousetodestroythat!

PRINCE:Wolvesdon’tnormallydothatsortofthing.(ToPage)GettheChiefoftheGuardsandhisbestmen;assembletheminthecourtyard.

(PAGEbowsandexits)REDRIDINGHOOD:Wow.That’sreallykindofyou,Imean...PRINCE:It’stheleastIcando,andwhenthat’sdoneperhaps…PAGE:(Entersinarush;quickbow)PRINCE:Whatisit?PAGE:Therearethree–er–‘pigs’outside,yourHighness.Theyseemvery

‘agitated’andwantto‘speak’toyou.PRINCE:Willthatbeyourfriends?REDRIDINGHOOD:Iexpectso.Talkingpigsaren’treallythatcommon.PRINCE:Sendthemin.(Pageexits)Ihopeitdoesn’tmeanworsetrouble!REDRIDINGHOOD:Granny!PRINCE:Don’tpanic–we’llsortthingsout.Heretheyare.

27

ButNANNYenters.NANNY:Myword:stillupatthistimeofnight?Whatevernext?Visitors?PRINCE:Ah…PIGSenterinpanic.GAMMO:Yourroyalness!There’sa...RedRidingHood!You’rehere!REDRIDINGHOOD:Whatisit?(Alarmed)IsitGranny?!SPAMMO:Yes!Thatwolf!He’satherhouse!NANNY:Awolf?!Ohmy!(Shefaints:Hammocatchesherandlowersherinto

sittingposition,holdingherupright.)HAMMO:It’salright–shehashimtrappedinacupboard!(Hestepsawayfrom

Nannyandsherotatestofallbackwithlegsintheair.Hammoisoblivious.Otherslookatraisedbloomer’s,point,andHammorealisesandpressesfeetdowntorotateherbacksittingupright)

PRINCE:Inacupboard!GAMMO:Butsheneedshelptodealwithit.PRINCE:Thisisthemysterywolf?Theonethatknockshousesdownforno

reason?SPAMMO:Yes!Buthedoeshaveareason!HAMMO:He’sdoingitforRobtheBuilder.GAMMO:He’sgotthewolfclearingeverybodyofftheland!SPAMMO:Robwantstosellthelandfortenthousandgoldcoinstosomedopey

Prince!Awkwardmoment.PRINCE:Nowitmakessense!Wemustgettherefast!Canyourideahorse?GAMMO:(raisedeyebrowsandasarcasticresponse)I’mapig.PRINCE:OK–yes,right;thenfollowusasquickasyoucan!NANNY:What?It’sfreezingoutthere!Ride–inthedark!Imean…PRINCE:I’llbefine!Yougetsomenice,hotcocoa(orsimilar)readyforwhenIget

back.NANNY:Cocoa?Yes–cocoa!PRINCE:Quick!Granny’scottage!(toaud)Ihopewe’llnotbetoolate!ALLEXITexceptNanny.NANNY:Cocoa,cocoa(shedithersthenhurriesthroughtheaudiencemuttering)

SCENE7:GRANNY’SCOTTAGE

THEREDRIDINGHOODANDTHEWOLFINTHECOTTAGESCENEKnockingondoor.WOLF:Comeinmydear.I’mnotfeelingtoowell-cough,cough!Havingabitofa

lie-down.

28

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:(Enters)Ohdear.Well,I’vegotalovelybasketofgoodiesforyouGranny.

WOLF:Howverykind.Bringitalittlecloser,mydear.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:It’sonlytheusualstuff;gin,cheese,gin,bread,gin.I’ll

putitoverhereforyou.Assheturnsherbacktoputthegoodiesdownthewolfstartstocrawlfromthebedtowardher.Asshestartstoturnbackhedivesbackundertheblanket.IftheaudiencemakeanoiseLRRHwillhavetoignorethem,thoughthewolfcanpullfacesandwaveangrily.WOLF:ComeclosersoIcanseeyou,mydear.LRRHmovesatinybitcloserbutstopsandstandslookingatthebed.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Youdoseemunwell,Granny.You’renotlooking

yourself!WOLF:I’mnot?LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:No.Imean–(Squintsathim)WhatbigEYESyouhave,

Granny.WOLF:Teehee.AllthebettertoSEEyouwith,mydear.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Oh.(Thinks)And–whatbigEARSyouhave,Granny.WOLF:Teehee.AllthebettertoHEARyouwith,mydear.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Oh.(Thinks)And–whatabigNOSEyouhave,Granny.WOLF:Teehee.AllthebettertoSMELLyouwith,mydear.(Toaud)Hereitcomes,

folks–(pointstoteethandmouths‘teeth’)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Oh.(Thinks)And–whatbigEYEBROWSyouhave,

Granny.WOLF:Teehee.Eh?What?Eyebrows?!Err...AllthebettertoLOOKSURPRISED

with,mydear.(Lookssurprised)Anythingelse?(Showsteeth)Mmm?LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Oh.(Thinks)Yes!WhatbigWHISKERSyouhave,Granny.WOLF:Eh?What?Whiskers?Whiskers?!Whatisshetalkingabout?Thisisn’tinthe

script!Err...Whiskers....ah...Allthebetterto...to...?Look–allGrannieshavewhiskers;justgetoverit,eh?

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:OK.I’llbeoffnowthen.WOLF:What?!Hangabout!Hang–a-bout!Haven’tyouforgottensomething?LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Forgotten?Don’tthinkso.Cheese,bread,chocolate.All

here.Tata!WOLF:No!Oy!OY!!Teeth!Don’tforgetGranny’steeth!LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Ohyes!Sillyme!Laughs.Youwantmetogetyourteeth

foryou,Granny!Aretheyinthisglass?(Goestoshelf/table)WOLF:No!Look!LookatmyBIGteeth!Aretheynothuge?!Whatdoyouhaveto

29sayaboutTHAT,eh?Eh?

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Ohyes;nowyoumentionittheydolookabitdifferent?(Thinks)My...

WOLF:Hereitcomes!LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:My,Granny,whatbigTEETHyouhave!WOLF:(leapingupandthrowingoffglassesandhat)Ha!Yes!ALLTHEBETTERTO

EATYOUWITH!!Thedoorburstsopen.ThePrince!!PRINCE:Notsofast,MisterWolf!StridesinwithRedRidingHood,Page,3Pigsandarmedsoldiers/villagers.WOLF:What?!Youcannotbeserious!Thisismybigmoment!!Grannywailsandrattlescupboarddoor.ThepigsrushtoletGrannyherout.GRANNY:Somethingwrongwiththetoiletinthere:theflushdoesn’twork.PRINCE:Thatanimal…belongsinazoo!(Wolfwailsandhidesbackunderblanket)GRANNY:(flusteredbutcomposesherselfwhensheseesthePrince)Ooh.Your

majesty.(Wobblycurtsey)Er–couldItroubleyoutojustpassmemyhandbag?

PRINCE:Er–yourhandbag?Why,certainly...(Itispassedtohim)Here.GRANNY:Thanks.Shegetsmorecomposedthenturnsandbattersthelivingdaylightsoutofthewolfwithherhandbag.Wolffleesyelpingandhowling–GrannydoesbattlecrythenpursuesWolfoff.Maybethroughaudience?MOTHERENTERS(withLittleRRHifno‘communityscene’between)MOTHER:Idon’tunderstandanyofit.So,startagain;therewasawolfinGranny’s

bed.LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Yes!MOTHER:AndthisisreallythePrince?!(Hebows)Andyou’reherebecause?PRINCE:I’mhere,becauseIwanttoaskpermission-tomarryyourdaughter.NANNY:Thisissoemotional!MOTHER:Marrymydaughter?Certainly.Whichone?Iseemtohaveseveral.PRINCE:Lottie.MOTHER:Lottie?Oh.Ah.Whichone’sthat?LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:RedRidingHood.(Motherlookssurprised)No–theold

one–I’mLITTLERedRidingHood.REDRIDINGHOOD:Me!(LookslovinglyatPrince)MOTHER:Right.Gotallthat.Wolf.Prince.Butwhyareweallhere?GRANNY:It’soneofyourchildren’sbirthday!Remember?

30

MOTHER:Ohyes.Whichoneisitagain?(Shechecksherclipboard)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Me!!IamAGEtoday!Look(showslargebirthdaycake)Knockatthedoor.GAMMO:I’llgetit!ROBisatthedoor.Grannyhides.ROB:Ah!TheysaidthePrincewasdownhere!(GoesstraighttoPrince,withMate

following)Beenlookingalloverforyou,Highness.Herearethedocumentsforthesaleofthatland.Afewminorobstacleshavebeen…‘removed’.Ijustneedthetenthousandgoldcoinsandthelandisyours.

PRINCE:OK.JustONElittlething...ROB:Mmm?What’sthatthen?PRINCE:Whataboutthehousethat’salreadyonthesite?AcottageIbelieve?In

fact–thisone!?MATE:unintelligiblewordsagreeing.ROB:Ohthat!(Hitsmatethengetssmarmyagain)Notaproblem.Iunderstandthat

–tragically–theoldwomanwholivedherehashadaterribleaccident.So–yourmajesty;ifyou’lljustsignHERE.

REDRIDINGHOOD:Aterribleaccident?ROB:Mmm.Yes.Grannycomesandstandsbehindhim.GRANNY:Eatenbyawolf.ROB:Yes.(Looksaroundatherandnods)Eatenbya...(doubletake)YOU!GRANNY:Yes–me.So–NOTeatenbyawolf,afterall.PRINCE:AndIwillNOTbebuyinganylandoffYOU.(Ripsupcontract&handsback)

Asallthesegoodpeopleareverysoontobemyin-laws,theywillbelivinginthenewpalace–whichwillbebuiltrighthere!(Indicatescottage)

ROB:OK–that’saplan.Butit’lltakeyears!WherewillallthesehorriblelittlekidsandstinkypigslivewhileIknockthiscottagedownandbuildthenewpalace?

MOTHER:Theywillallbestayingwithyou,atyourhouse!(KidsswarmaroundRob;hewails)

PRINCE:And!YouwillNOTbebuildingthepalaceforme!IampromotingyourMateheretobethenewRoyalBuilder.

MATE:Oh–howjollykindofyou!Super!ROB:What?!WhataboutME?!GAMMO:You–aregoingtobethenew‘builder’smate’!MATE:Ah-ha!Revenge!(ClipsRobaroundearwhoyelps)LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:(WalksuptoRob,smiling)Happybirthday,Bobthe

31Builder’sMate.

ROB:It’sROB!ROBtheBuilder’sMate.Iamsickandtiredoftellingyoustupidpeople!ROB!!Andit’sNOTmybirthday!

LITTLEREDRIDINGHOOD:Ithinkyou’llfinditis!(PointsoverRob’sshoulder.)Othersmoveback.RobturnsjustasGrannysplatsthebirthdaycakeinhisface.

Cheeringasheisledoff.GRANNY:Ha!‘Hewholaughslast–laughslongest!ALL:Wisewords,Granny!Wisewords.

ON-STAGEBOWSSONG:somethinglikeextractfrom‘FLASHBANGWALLOPWHATAPICTURE?’

REDRIDINGHOOD©ChrisLane2018www.pantoscripts.me.uk